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YOti Li 





LONDON: 
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, 



Ain> (OLD BT ALL BOOKSBLLKKS. 
1873. 



Digiti 



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!'"'''''**''• Digitized by 



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JoKB 28. 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



in 




(( 



AND now/' said Mb. PunoHi " to pay my respects to the Shah. Yoa havei of course, seated him on my best Divani 
ToBT, which I trust you had caused to be properly dusted." 

So saying, Mb. Punch, with eveik a more fascinating smile than usual, entered the Chamber of Beception at 85« Fleet 
Street. 

** Bigarosh muck warbotUh sdattyn ti pagbliUh blocktlnder,'^ said NASSB-SD-Df N, returning the smile, and saluting. 

" Batman coUothun chenica maskerbath cow/riski, dlgling ahasusrus jonnycrab, halimanthiu y pop grodibungus,'* replied 
Mb. Punch, bowing three times as he alone can bow. ^"^ 

" If you prefer to talk English," said the Shah, " pray do." 

" I prefer it very much indeed, your Majesty. Permit me to obserye that I am immeasurably and inconceivably 
honoured by this condescending visitation, and that the day will be dear to me as the most distinguished and fortunate period 
of my existence." 

''That is humbug, and you know it," said the Shah. 

" It is humbug, and I know it," said Mb. Punch. " But I desire to exhibit my accomplishments to your Majesty." 

** Exhibit your grandmother, and give me a pipe," said the Shah. *' I thought I had come to one place where I 
might talk plain Persian, leastways English, and hear no fiammery-flummery." 

'' To hear is to obey," said Mb. Punch, clapping his hands. Three housemaidens^ of extreme beauty and neatness, 
instantly entered, and various exquisite refreshments were placed before the illustrious pair. 

" Not bad-looking moon-flaces, those," said the Shah, as the maidens, with deep reverence, withdrew. 

'* Beautiful myself," said Mb. Punch, " I love to see myself reflected in all about me. May I offer your Majesty some 
sherbet ? " 

*' Sherbet doesn't go off with a bang, and effervesce like that, at least in Persia," said the Shah. ** Are you sure you 
use the right name ? " 

'* I am like Humpty-Dumpty, Sire, in Through the Looking -Glass (elegantly illustrated by my firiend, John Tbnniel), 
and when I wish a noun to mean anything, I make that noun mean what I wish. This is sherbet, Sire, made by a meri- 
torious French widow, from a recipe found in the writing-desk of Shampagnecharlemagne, heretofore IQng of France." 

" When at Borne we must do as they do in Borne," said the Shah, pensively. 

** No, you mustn't. Sire," returned Mb. Punch, " or you would do without honesty, drainage^ punctuality, and soajir 
and water. But in my office you may do as 1 do. Lackshibboloom tommy warboy,** he added, raising his glass. jvi$ 



^ 



17 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[June 28, 1873. 



'' Bong flippas dindy gudgeon^'* replied the Shah, returning the courtesj. 
widow knows what she is about." 



Bj the beard of the Prophet, that 



'' Most widows do/' said Mb. Punch. '' And how do jou like us English, mj successor of Dabitts ? " 

" Who was he ? *' 

'< How should I know, Sire ? But it is the right thing'to saj. We 11 make it Xerxes, if more agreeable, as it is 
equally idiotic." 

" I am a Eadjar," said the Shah. 

" We have many of your namesakes here, Sire, only their name is spelt with a variation. Your revered father was 
Mohammed, and his illustrious predecessor was Feth Ali, who succeeded to the magnaminous Aoa-Mohammed, founder of 
your imsurpassable dynasty." 

" You know everything, I believe, Berglerbeg." 

" That, I think, is Persian for Governor, Sire. Yes. My eye and Frederick Martih have told me several things 
about Your Majesty, within the last week. But I am not proud, M every one of my oontemporiuries has availed himself of 
the same authority. Is the tobacco to my Lord's liking ? " 

'' Houri's breath," said the Shah, piously. "Now, can 1 do anything for youf Do yoia Irani sny diamonds?" 

" I make them, Sire, and sell them at three pence a piftcket. No,' Your Majesty, PtmcH aiikfl nothing of Kings except 
that they would follow his counsels. Those who do not, have a habit of soon ceasing to be ICitrgs. You are wise. I learn 
that you are going to develope the resources of your country, with the aid of my friend Sib JuUtjs ds Reuteb and his 
capitalists. I wish your Majesty briltiant success. Laelahibhohom. How do you get On wi^ Lobd Qkanville?" 

'' He is a delightful man. He speaks French beautifully. But" — {i^hispers). 

** But your Majesty wants him to apeak English ? " said Mr. Pukoh, winking. 

" I confess that I would rather have six words than six hundred from a friend, when I have told him my need." 

" We '11 square it, Majesty. I have sent for him. He is in the next room. We 'U have it out with him, and your 
Majesty shall return to Teheran with your face whitened before the peoples, and shining like the moon in the firmament. 
Jump up, Sire ! Jump, my bounding Bactrian ! On to the book. Sire ! We will march upon the Foreign Minister in an 
impressive manner. Steady, Lord of the Lion and the Sun." 

And in this wise went the Shah and Mr. Punch to confer with Lord Granville. 

{The result to he revealed at a fitting $ea9on.) 




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December 17, 1872.] 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOK 1873. 




PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1873. 



[DtoeUber 17, m. 




HIGH LIFB IN THE 00T7NTBT. 

Ihcior. " I AX PLEASED TO 8AV, KM. FiTZBROWNC, THAT I SHALL BE ABLE TO VaODIKATE TOUR BABT FROM A VERT HBALTHT CHILO OF YOUR NEIGHBOUR, MRS. JoNBB " 

Mrs. Fittbrovne. *' Oh Dear, Doctor ! I could not FBRvrr that. We do k^t care to nn mixed up with the Joneses in ant way." 



LINES TO MY LADY-LOVE. 
(Btf a Comnum-plaee Ptnon.) 

To tbeo, were I a humble bee, 
I *d hourly wing my honeyed flight ; 

To thee, were I a ship at se^, 
I 'd sail, tho* land were in my sight : 

To thee, were I a pussy cat, 
I 'd spring, as tho' 'twere on a rat.! 

To thee, were I a stickleback. - 
I 'd swim as fast as flns could move ; 

To thee, were I a hunter's hack, 
I 'd gallop on the hoofs of love : 

But as I 'm but a simple man, 
I *11 come by train, love— if I can I 



COMIC CHRONOLOGY. 

A.D. 1001. Invention of the riddle, 
*' When is a door not a door t " 

A.D. 1220. First asking of the ques- 
tion, *' Where was Moses wheu the candle 
went out?" 

A.D. 184P. Discovery of the contm- 
dmm. "Why does a miller wear a white 
hat?" 

A.D. 1508. A tongue is cut at supper, 
and for the first time a Joke is cut upon 
itk 

A.D. 1650. Introduction of the nleasant 
ing, " Who stole the Donkey f" 

A.D. 1703. Jones helps Smith to trifle. 



■*yi 



and has the happiness of making the first 
pun ever made upon it. 



There was a Rich Merchant of Bristol, 
Who shot at a cat with a pistol : 
The cat 's living Ptiu, 
And the merchant by will 
Bariched an Old Cat down at Bristol 



What 's the distinction between Winter 
and Summer? 

One 's the Double Vest time, and the 
other 'fl the Harf-vest time. 



Ornitboloot at School. — Our old 
Eocdlsh ancestors called the Song Thrush 
or Throstle the Mavis. The Mavis eats 
slugs and snails. Here are a slug and a 
snaU. Uti-um horutn^ Mavit^ aecipe. 

For the Gboorapiiical Societt.— Is 
there any connection between the Wisper 
—-"the Sound? 




PRIZE CHARADE. 
(To be asked in January aiid annrer to hi 

looked for in j^ember.) 
Without my first Chance wouldn't stand 

a chance. 
My first can make you jump and look 

askance. 
The House of Commons dearly loves my 

first. 
Without it, too, some folks would bo 

athirpt 
My second is what certain snobs admire, 
And far more useful than a coal for fire. 
Mv whole is what my whole must have 

Of use to Sweeper, Sailor, or M.P. 

I *m from the deep, or trom the richest 

mine, 
Or from the foro^t. On tho railway-Hna 
I'm carried, and the shivering soldier 



Hii> lucky ^tnrs that gave me to the ranks. 
I'm blessed by saints, though often 

cursed by sinueis. 
Whom I have kept away from festive 

dinneis. 
Take me to China and you m find that te* 
Is nothing when a Mandaru sees me. 
So think me over, meditate, and guess. 
And if you're light, depend on't, 111 

say "Yes." *• . *— 



HA, ha: you must leabh 



TO LOVE MBr 

Vm ** T)^ BoUU Imp.'* 



A SUGGESTION. 

" Frozen over is the pon^, love. 
Dearest Kate, 
Let us therefore, my fond lovs^ 
Go and sKate." 
" But the ice is so thin. 
We might both timible in. 
'JraUUla!" 
" Sf^ ^^ ^' ^ ^^ ^^ borrow, 
wnat do you «ay about to-moirow ?" 
«<i^k Mamma.** 



AftvitE TO Sponsors.— >Never name the 
boy tc.Vhem jrou stand godfather, John 
EdwaRd. The diminutive of John it 
Jack ; that of Edward is Neddt. The 
latter diminutive is bad enough by itself, 
but the fonaer, prefixed to it, makes 
it twice as bad. Plain Donkey, an appel- 
lation sufficiently opprobrious, becomes 
doubly objectionable when expended 
into Jackass. 



iT.isn) 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1873. 




«THE LAST (CO-OPERATIVE) FEATHEB." 

* My Lady.* " Juot take a»d Tie up a Couple op those Saoiu behind the Garriaoe, James. There *ll be Room, if one of you Rideb on the Box ! ! * 



ZODIACAL ZANYI8MB. 

A1UB8, the Ram, harboniB need for de- 
fence. 

Taubus, John Bull, will be put to ex- 
pense. 

Gemini, Twins, nuke their Sires doubly 



Cancer, the Crab, is oft bard to digest. 
Leo. the Lion, as Btron hath said. 
Will turn tail and fleo before Virgo the 

Maid. 
LiBBA, the Balance, at Banks is the 

thing. 
Scorpio, the Scorpion, can both pinch 

and sting. 
Oafbioornus, the Billt-Goat, Tafft 

knows well. 
SAorrrARiuB, the Archer, they called 

Wiluam Tell. 
Aquarius, the Waterman, carries two 

pails. 
PisoBB, the Fishes, have true fins and 

gqales, 
My dears, bat you always confound them 

with whales. • 



Thxri was an old "salt" down at 

Barmouth, 
Who married a widow at Yarmouth, 

A second at Goole, 

And another at^oole. 
Yet lived to be ninety at Barmouth. 



THE BIRDS' BBTROTHAL. 
" Mt Snowdrop," the cook blackbird 
quoth 

Unto his Valentine. 
'* My Crocus," said the hen, <' in troth. 

With that yellow beak of Uiine ! " 



HnroRT RsPBATS Itself.— Harold has 
proposed for Constance. She thinks him 
deligbtftiMy eligible in erery point of 
▼lew; but the higher powers are not 
equally enthusiastic. A family meetmg 
is held consisting of Papa, MamrJ^ 
Unde Christopher, and Aunt Emilt. 
Two people anxiously await the decision 
of this Council of Oonbtanob. 

CuTTiNa AND Maimino.— When you see 
% n"^" ni f"g ^fag a goose or a hare at the 
dinner-table, you msy safUy predict of 
him that he will never carve his way to 
distinction. 

The FBEnrx BosiD.— At a PubUo 




CASUALTIES OP THE PAST YEAR. 

A CONORBQATION was CATrlod away. 

A meeting was set by the ears. 

A man was buried in thought 

A great many persons drowned their 
sorrows. 

Others were overwhelmed with thanks. 

Others were smothered with klnes. 

Others cut their own throats. 

Others split their sides. 

Many people lost their heads. 

Others ran them against a stone waU. 

Others fell between two stools. 

Others stuck to their posts. 

Others were riveted to tiie spot 

Others cut off their nose to spite their 
fiuie. 

There was a flood of light literature. 

The RegistFar-Generars Reports show 
about an avera^-e number of cases of 
blind sides, deaf ears, cold shoulders, 
noses put out of Joint, wry faces, turned 
heads, people wiuiout a leg to stand on, 
and po^e falling over head and ear* in 
love. 

FASHIONS FOR MAY. 

" Tn the twenty-ninth of May ; 

Deck with oak-apples your hair." 
** O yes ! Well keep sny day 

When there 's anything to wear." 

There was a Young Lady of Ifield. 

With whom a gay Flirter had trifled, 
Till she snatched up a pen. 
Crying, •' Write the day When, 

Or I 'U strangle you till you are stifled." 



TimritL '* Your Doo appbias to be Deajc, as he pats no AftsNTxoN to me." 
Oapherd. " Na, na, Bia. Sraili a <tarba wise Doo, fob all tat. But she only 
bfbakb Gabuc." 



Notion in Nombnolature.— Our Saxon 
ancestors called the months by names of 
their own. If the members of their 
Wittenagemote, when it had broken up, 
had been accustomed to stump their 
constituents, and there had been learned 
AssodatioDS wont at the same time to 
bold their annual Congresses and palaver, 
they would perhaps have conferred the 
title of Mouth-Monath on September. 

What a host of learned women there 
would be, if all those of the sex who 
sometimes "look blue" had any preten- 
■ions to be considered Uteraiy ohArseters I 

For the Zoological Bocietv.— Is a 
molecule a little mole? 
Old Enoush Fare. —By a stage-cdaoh. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1873. 



IDecember 17, 1872 




A DAT WITH THE HABBIEBS. UTTLE NIMBOD'8 NEW HUNTEB. 

LiUU N. " CARun in splendidly I Plkkty of Powkr, you see ! " 

CharUMihiiftrimid). " Ha !— Quite bo. But what have you done with THE BATHING MACHINE ? " 



PECULIAR PEOPIiE. 

Ms. Btowv begins to li£^t Mb fire 
aooordlng to. the almanack, instead of 
the thermometer. 

Mb. JoNfes dare not praise a plctare 
until he knows who painted it 

Mb. Robinson onoe Journeyed to Jeru- 
salem, and cannot meet you for five 
minutes without saying ho nas done so. 

Mb. Flukkb never pTays a game of bil- 
liaids with a friend without aUeging that 
he has not touched a cue for upwards of 
a twelvemonth. 

Mb. Growleb never misses any chance, 
when the Tories are in power, of pro- 
* ' ' this opinion of the deoadence of 



. ToiuuNs can't enjoy a play of ma- 
rionettes, because he won^t restntin him- 
self fh>m looking at the wires. 

Mrs. Fussie keeps an album, pets a 
pug doa^ and collects old postage^stamps. 

Mb. Gbabb is always roady to borrow 
a cigar of you, but never volunteers to 
lend you one. 

Miss Simpebton can't travel hsif-a- 
dozen miles without a lady's4naid and 
half-a-dosen band-boxes. 

Mb. Hubby hires a Hansom to take 
him to an omnibus. 

Mb. Moneybaoob aspires to be a mem- 
ber of the School Board, although he 
calls intelUgenoo "reUabie,** and pecu- 
liar **peoooUer." 

Miss Damtdletoh can crochet^ knit, 
and tat^ but; except in great emergen- 
cies cannot sew a button on. 

Mb. Hunks prefers, he says, to travel 
seoond-dass, because the firstKdass is 
sostuflV. 

Mb. Dufteb gives to beggars, and 
avoids a poor-box. 



Tbkbb was a Toung Person in Poland, 

Who bought some Maoassar of Rowland : 

Her hair grew so thick. 

It was propped by a stick— 

A. thing which had happened in no land. 



Fob trb Statuooal Society.— >When 
a man is a Cipher osn he take care of 
Number one, and is everybody at liberty 
to set him at nought T 

A CoMPLcn Suit.— Bob wig, Ullyoodk 
hat, didky, Jean coat and waistcoat, Jadc- 
boots, and nankeen trousers. 




MEDITATIONS UPON MATRIMONY. 
(J9y a Married Matu) 

Life is beset with dangerous tempta- 
tions. When you take your wife down 
Regent Street, always leave your purse 
at home. 

In connubial arithmetic, a husband 
must be reckoned as less than half a 
man when his better half is with him. 

Pity the poor gentleman whose wife 
vill have a latch-key ! 

Marriage would in many cases be a 
blissful state, if it were not for cold 
mutton. 

When you detect a wife's unusual aff eo- 
tiou for her husband, you may expeot 
to see her before long in a new bonnet. 

Pleasant is the Derby Day with bache- 
lor acquaintances ; but a trip to a West 
End jeweller's is a costly price to pay 
for it 

If your wife says, "Dear Mamma is 
coming for a week or «o," you may pre- 
pare your mind to receive her for a month 
or tvo. 

Lovers sometimes rave about the sun- 
shine that gUds a married life ; but, when 
they come to bask in it, they find it U 
mere moonshine. 



SONG ON ST. CUTHBERTS DAT. 
" Easy Shaving ! Easy Shavtag ! " 

Legend still above my door : 
In Ihebreexe whilst beards are waving ; 

Men get shaven now no more. 

Cutting and shampooing onlv, 
I wiUi soaps and grease rub en. 

But my little shop is lonely, 
Now the Barber's Trade is gone 1 



NEATLY TUENED. 

(falUmt Paddi^. ''ShubI, thIcy'be iluoant Cbeasbb^ Dablin. But choose yeb own 
BmroBEB. Bomb it 'bm 's like Toubsblf— BerrsB Looking than othess 1 " 



Thebe came a Queer Stranger to Dnwlish, 
High-shouldered, low-spuited, tallish : 
He mooned on the beach, 
And he spouted a speech, 
^^ch sounded quite Exeter-Hallish. 

Astbolooy and Mytholooy.— In the 
beginning of March, according to Zadkibi^ 
"Saturn steals on." Does he, the old 
thief T But we thought the Thlefgod or 
god of Thieves was Mercury. 

Fob thb Booibty of Antiquabies.— 
When was the hist Faliy seen in 
England? 



DMenter 17, IBTl] 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1873. 




A PLEASANT PROSPECT ! 

Englith Touritt. " I say, Look here. How Fab is it to this Olenbtartit ? Twkt told us it was oklt ** Native, 

Twiritt (aghatt). ** All Boo like this!" NaHv«, " Eh— h— this is just Naethut* till't I ! " 



' Aboot Four M iLisa" 



BoouBiAsncAL PirHKnia.->It is needl«as to repeat the 
joke mAde by Pops Oregoby on the English youth, whose 
oountzymen he sent 8t Augustine to oonvert Was a 
similar pun intended by the Pontifl who appointed the 
28th of August for Bt. Augustine's Dsy T 

Haoioloot.— June 6. Festival of St. Bonifkoe. In the 
Army of Msrtyrs a host in himself. St. Boniiiaco is the 
Patron of the Licensed Victuallers. 



. MALAFBOPIANA. 

Mrs. Halapbop has been very much interested in a de- 
scription of the Honeycombs ait Rome. 

IIRS. Ualaprop possesses a Bhakespearo with Kargaret 
notes. 

Mrs. Malaprop reeommends the consecrated miUc 

Mrs. Malaprop hates your chymical people. 

Mrs. Malaprop is looking out for tbe Christmas Novices. 



Note ox Old Bkoush Fare.— Chxistmas plum-pudding 
is quite as indigestible as wedding-cake, but the latter has 
consequences which, happily, do not follow eating the 
former. They are carvea alike— in wedges. Beware the 
thin end of the wedge ; stiil more the thick. 

Bticxiko to Tbbm.— Beards are not so much worn as they 
wore, but the Oysters, always tenacious, have made no 
change. 



SPORTS AND PASTIMES OF 

THE PAST YEAR. 
BBATiiro about the bush. 
Drawing the long bow. 
Fishing in troubled waters. 
Catching Tartars. 
Hooking husbands. 
Flying in the ituse of Society. 
Harping <m one stilng. 
House-hunting. 

Killing two birds with one stone. 
Outrunning the constable. 
Jiin e ^ ner the changes. 
Sailing close to the wind. 
Shooting folly flying. 
Tuft-hunting. 
Walking over the course. 
Going on a wild-goose chase. 

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS. 
The storm-cock on the leafless 
tree-top fifes. 
I've twinffes in the shouldet 
and the knee. 
And my corns shoot, and so do 
my own vdf e's. 
We sihaU have rain before or 
after tea. 



GRBAT BABES IN THE WOOD. 
liiNKKD together, heart and soul, 
In September let us stroll. 
Then the mushrooms we can cuU, 
If we find each other dulL 
Otherwise, our lips we 11 stain 
With the bhuskberries in yon lane. 

Tkkrv was a bold sailor of OardifC 

Wbo said to himself, " It is hard if 

I oan't have a stir made 

About a young mermaid 

I'll bring theMuseum at Cardiff." 



A Beoular Feast , Day. — 
May 20. Restoration of Charles 
— Sbooxd. The rutauraiU, 




THE CHANNEL aXJESTION SOLVED; 

OB, EVEEY ONE HIS OWN BESSEMER 1 



OFFENCES OF THE PAST 
YEAR. 

Knocking people down with a 
feather. 

Throwing dust in their eyes. 

Blowing them up. 

Stealing kisses. 

"Taking silk." 

Murdering tunes. 

Robbing Peter to pay Paul. 

Setting fire to the Thames. 

Roasting friends. 

Cutting up authors. 

Quarrelliug with bread and but- 
ter. 

There was an eccentric at Ches 

ter. 
Who walked about in a sou'- 
wester. 
And stood on his head 
When he got into bod, 
Which was only a secondhand 
tester. 



THE INNOCENT TO HIS 
MATE 
Come where the redbreast war- 
bles ; 
Come whore the booties crawl : 
Thor© win wo play at marbles, 
Under the garden waU. 

AN APRIL FOLLY. 
«* Good morrow, 'tis St. Simple- 
ton's Day. 
All in the morning cool. 
And I 'm not up at your window 
To be your April FooL" 



Impolite Thino.~To ffrumWo 
at the high pi-ice of coals when 
you aredinlng with a colliery 
owner. 

ATHLsno Sports. — Nota A 
Creature of Impulse-Football. 



ir.itTS.] 



PUNCH'S ALMAN 













POLO POSOi 







FTJTURUM. 



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PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1873. 



(PccoBbcrir. len 




ON THE HILLS. 



Jker Stalkir (Old Bandr and fimd o/ U). ** Ibn*T it xxoitiko ! T Kkp Cool ! 
[/(MM! itn*t wtd to U, ona, mot hmving \ 



kt doerni't antwer. 



mofftdfor tkt lad ha^f-kow, kit exeiUmetU Am worn qJT- ^e'« «m< through, and tinting/ attintht Boggy Ground, and tpueklett wih Cold. So 



NATURAL HISTORY OF THE PAST 
TEAR. 

BcrmrLiB were broken on wheels. 

Gate looked at kings. 

Czicketen made ducke* egn 

little birds whispered in the ear. 

A good many mores'-nests were dis- 
coTerad. 

People smelt a rat 

Others were stUl as a mouse. 

Others pluoked crows. 

Others took ** rooks." 

Birds of a feather flocked together. 

Pui^esanddull dogs were asnumeroiis 
as ever. 

Oacumbers maintained their uaual 
coolness. 

Unsuccessful attempts were anin maAe 
to put salt on birds' tails, to caton weasels 
asleep, and to introduce pigeons' mUk. 

The British Lion had a strong doee of 
*' Geneva " administered to htm. 



THE ANGLER'S CATCH. 

Thc fly is on the water, 
The fish are in the creel. 

For caught by whipping trout are, 
But you can't so catch an eeL 



Thkab was a Toung Lady bf Norwood, 
Who chattered just liko a macaw would. 
Her Ma said, " In vain 
Do I try to stop Janb ; 
PYaps a husband who kept her in awe, 
would." 



A BasKTiPio Want.— We have statics 
and hydrostatics, pneumatics and rfaeu- 
matios ; but none of these exacts repre- 
sent the feelings of young ladies, wnen 
they see a new oonnet or a new bnby, or 
hear of another ball or a fresh party— 
thislsEcstoticsl 

Moral Fok thc Momtb.— Midsummer 
is apt to be attended with thunderstonns. 
The highest points are those which most 
attract the electrlo fluid. The bolt which 
strikes the palaoe spsres the pigstya 
Hrumnk! 

RoBi THnro.— To take out jrour watch 
during the sennon. 

RuDCR Thimo.— To take yoonelf ont 
during that discourse. 




WORK OF THE PAST YEAR 



AnuKO French. 
Building castles In the air. 
Chopping logic. 
Cracking Jokes. 
Cleaosli^ Augean st 
Cutting and drying. 
Fencing questions. 
Hedging Detn. 
Imprinting kisses. 
Knitting brows. 
Nursing omnibuses. 
Puttirg shoulders to wheels. 
Scouring the country. 
Skinning flints. 
Sowing wild oats. 
Reaping the consequences. 
8^ittin|r hairs. 
Ventilanng grievances. 
Wading thrcmgh books. 
Wool gathering. 
Spinning 3rams. 
Cneeseporing. 
Tricoiobag, 

GARDENING NOTES. 
A TiDT sort of a Tree Is a Spruce Fir. 
Grans that can't be expected to grow 
straight is evidently Rye-Grass. 



Thebc was a Young Lady called Ethel, 
Who, lisping, to Cecil said, " Thkthil ! 
In rain, hail, or freeae, 
I 'm for Church, if you please. 
But I cannot abide Little Bethel" 



THB AR0HSR7 



Curait {to Fair Sirtm^ftrX 
Fair Stramgor jpromptlg). 



' I PKBOHVB TOU ABE HOT A TOZOPBILITE I " 

* Oh DBAB HO 1 'OsnTBOH of BNOLAMD,' I assure YOU I " 



October S.— Pheasant-eating begins. 

November 2.— St Ceellia's Dav. A 
Monster Concert is given by the Amal- 
gamated Organ-Grinders, Scotch Bag- 
pipers, Street Ballrd Singers, and 
Nioirer Minstrels of London. 

There was a stout Bishop of Venice, 
Who, when he had finished at tennis, 
JnponHfUalUntt 
Ban out to hall a bus- 
Then a new feature at Venice. 

Devotion to Boiekoe.— Our firiend, 
^YLDE Flowebs, is su euthusiastlo natu« 
raUst. His wife has lately presented 
him with twin daughters. He has call 
them Flora and Fauma. 



kccrubtr 17 1872.1 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1873. 




« IT *S AN ILL WIND," &c. 

* Oh, Papa ! what do tou think ? Pour out of our Twklve Boxes abe Missiko." 
' Hurrah I By Gborob I that's thk bbbt Piece of News I've had for a Lono Time." 



EVENTS OF THE PAST YEAR. 

Bdueationdl,^ljarge attendances at the 
Sehool/or Scandal 

Chemical— DmgB In the market. 

BotanieaL -'Tuining over a new leaf. 

If ifttary.— March of intellect 

JITava^— Blowing great girns. 

MdMTological — Showers of circulars. 

Surgical. — An infusion of new blood. 

AffricuUural. — Corney Graix veiy 
amusing. 

OmMMTciaL — Number of fdr-f etched 
Jokes, according to the import returns, 
ali|^tly in excess of the year 1871. 

J^Ai/anMropttf.— Advice freely given. 

Seicnt^. — ^Aquariums going on swim- 
mingly. 

Jarmlntr.— Ploughing in Oxfordshire. 

(7ra2i}i^.— BcrapiDg your shins. 



THE DOUBLE DAY IN NOVEMBER. 
PiKEBUS, with unclouded ray, 

Evermore for London shino 
On November's twice third day ; 

Hoed the number of thy Nine. 

With the Crown that never fails 
Hymn we then the Civic Chair. 

Then was bom the Prikce of Wales : 
Then comes in the New Lord Mayor. 

Phoebe, being not elsewhere 
Absent, shed tli v light serene 

Though in every thoroughfare 
Stars- of gaslight mock thy sheen ; 

WhXie the Peo^ rend tho air 
Shouting, oNbt their groga and ales, 

Glory to thenew Lord MavoR : 
Ditto to the Prince of Wales. 



There was a Young Ltdy called Lily, 
Bay, was she or was she not silly ? 
She rejected a hand t 
Bringing riches and land. 
Because she disliked the name ** Billy." 



Sympathy. — Things wore a serious 
aspect when the Bakers threatened to 
strike. The bread itself looked " sad. " 

Odd Thing.— To encore a song, and to 
be quite satisfied when another is simg 
in its stead. 

Mean Thiko. — To ask for discotmt 
when you buy the wedding-ring. 

Christmas Holiday Task. — Cram, 
without examination. 




<' DISTANCE IiENDS," &o. 

Wiry Keeper. ** That's our Groukd, Sn, Jvn bouhd that furthest Hill." 

[Brovm (from London), uho had underetood hU Moor vae vithin eaey dietanee from the 
Railway Station, and hoe been teaUting for the latt Two Bawn, and haen't " a,Dry 
Thread,'* Cavea In. 



A SONG WITHOUT SENSE 
(Adapted for Slow and Sentimental MueU.) 

who will o'er the moon so free, 
O who will gaily ride 

Upon a rockiii^-horse with me, « 
That carries twelve inside ? 

1 promised her a slice of cake, 
Made by a kangaroo : 

Alas! my brittle neart will break. 
For all in v-in I woo. 

How fondly I recall the time, 

When, sitting on the sUlc, 
We heard the beetle's drowsy chime. 

And saw the cuckoo smile I 
But now no more the beetle sings. 

The birds are silent too. 
For tho' I 've bought four wedding-rings, 

Tis all in vain I woo. 



HONEY AND MATRIMONY. 

For thy meteors, moist November, oft 

I 've watched till late at night. 
that in my little garden there would 

fall an a^roUte, 
Having withinside a diamond which 

would for a million sell ! 
No man now upon less money could 

afford to marry welL 

DOMESTIC PETS. 

Every dog must have his day ; 

And every cat her night. 
This is the sort of thing men say 

When they have gotten tight 



There was a Young Lady called Flor y, 
In goodness she placed all her glory. 

And boxea both her sisters' 

Four ears into blisters. 
Because they had told her a story. 



December Answer to January's Prlze 
Charade.— But-ton. 

The man who is equal to himself Is 
generally a match for others. 

How to Roll in Wealth.— Marry a 
rich carriage-maker's daughter. 

Unbeabonablb Thiko.— To say *' Good 
morning " on a very foggy day. 

A Court Oiboulab.— From a Royal 
Tradesman. 
A «* YouKO Shavsb."— A barijer's baby. 

A Labob Family Party.— AU of us 1 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1873. 



t H «e f*rr If, MM. 




J" 

i: 
S S 



^ 

5 e 

d 



o 



< A 



as 

la 
fin 






Digitized by 



G 






B-0 = 



I 







^^ = O P ^ 4,<H ■ 






I 



n 



III 






If 






Ml 

If 

ili 



Mill 



ll 

111 



Jill 

1^ I- 



n 
■I 



I 



I 



li I 









Vi 



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ll 

it 



Jancabt 4, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 




VEW-YEAE OBEKriHGS 7B0K ALOFT. 

Mb. Pukch, with his aooiutomed fEaakneis and generodiy, freely 
admits that it was a Hai^py Thought which incited the Datfy Tele- 
graph to give US, on Chiutmas moining, a ^tolatoiy message from 
nearly every i^laoe where Englishmen ahide in this Planet. He 
exi>eots that his contemporary, and all hii contemporaries, and the 
Uniyerse generally, will as chiyalronsly recognise the still Happier 
Thought which prompted him to arrange that all the Planets should 
send him messages on New Year's Dav. He has the greatest pleasure 
in laying these upon the face of the Earth, or rather upon its tahles. 

Happy New Year to you ! It must be a bore to you to have only 
one New Year's Day in 365. We have one in 87. This is because 
Mercury is made of quicksilYer. Very hot weather. Our neigh- 
bour, Sol, is poking up his coals liUe fun. Wish we could send you 
some of our grapes, which are about the size of your jpumpnns. 
We are very happy, and our belored Knte 8Ai.AMAin>EB is going to 
bo married to the beautiful Pbdicbss Asbbsios. They spend the 
honeymoon«in the State Volcano. 

We wish you all joy ! Yenus has been looking towards you many 
evenings of late, but vou are all too busy with your noses turned 
down to your mud, to look at her. Our best love to the Astbobombb- 
KoTAL, and to Mb. Locktbb. We are perfectly happy here, so we 
have nothing like what you call news to send you. Chxr fruits and 
flowers are glorious, and all the silver fountains of perfumed water 
are in full play. Ivory Temple* of Ashtoreth being rebuilt. Com- 
pliments to Mb. Swdtbtibbb, the poet. 

Cj^e ittoon. 

We send you the proper greeting, but there is no very ffood. feeUng 
towards you. You nave dragged us with you into horrible atmos- 
^eres, and we have hardly had a glimpse of the Son for a moonth. 
You are always bothering over reforms, can you not affitate for a 
repeal of the union between you and us, and uien we should glide 
away, like one of your balloons, into pleasanter regions ? We 
noticed your gas-stnke, and pitied you. The last scenes in BabUand 

VOL. LXIV, ] 



Bijou are exoeedin(^ly like the scenery in the Moon, bat your^ladies 
have two eyes, wmoh is ridiculous. We have, however* no iuoh 
splen^ being as Amazon-Queen Hblbbt Babbt. 

The Red Planet salutes you. Butvou are a slow lot. Why don't 
you get up a good war or two? We had hopes of you last year. 
When you do get at fighting, however, we allow that you do it 
handsomely, and we are pleased to see that you are making the 
most awful guns ever heard of. Soon may you have occasion to use 
them, and we drink to the early glory of the DevoitaHon, No time 
to say more, as all we heroes have to get uncommonly drunk out of 
The Skulls to-night. 

Sfuptter. 

So your little year has come round ajnin I Well, such happiness 
to you as you are capable of feeling. We pity your barbarous and 
unciviliied condition very much, and would send you missionaries, 
but the smallest dwarf among us would terrify you into fits, as a 
Monster. We could send you mighty news, but vou could not com- 
prehend it, still, perhaps, you may manage to understand that in one 
ot our four little Moons there has been aisaffection^something like 
your Fenianinn—and that we sent over six Mammoths, who stamped 
it out in the twinkling of a star. Well, little Barthmen, creep 
about and be merry, there is plenty of room for you in space, and 
there is some reason for your existence, no doubt, as there is for that 
of our toad-glowworms, which are about your size, but much 
handsomer. 

The " Chilly Orb on the Yerge of Creation" sends a word to the 
invidble speck calling itself The Earth. You must be a curious 
nest of animalculsB, probably noxious to one another, though 
incapable of doing harm to vour superiors. Here we are without 
passums or wi^ies. Exist, ii it amuses you to do so. 

Sltanu0. 

Happy time to you, little folks ! Have you heard from Jupiter or 
Saturn r Don't be humbugged by their preposterous airs. Because 
they are big, they think Uiey are great, it's not an uncommon 
blunder wim you, as Dahtb, Milton, and Shabspbabb told us the 
last time they came here to a f estivaL We know all about you, and 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[January 4, 1873. 



admire you awfully, with dedaotionB. Oar news would not mnoh 
interest yon, or you should haye it ; hut look out for suoh a jolly 
oomet. He 'U he with you in 9765 of your years. You '11 hear 
something to your adyanta^, for he is groiog to hringr you within a 
million miles of us— if he doesn't swallow you en route. Don't have 
any nonsensioal ideas ahout Uranus. We are most delifrhtful people, 
and TOur Babblaib oomes and reads hu hook to us. We are always 
laughing, and what we hear ahout you makes us laugh more than 
anything else. Tou must he awful f ooIb, hut that 's your mkfor- 
tune. Be jolly while you may. 

I hope you are quite' well, as Hiis does not leaye me at preBent. 
Faot is, I am tunder repair. But what a set of little idiots you are ! 
Tou go spladiing ahout into unluoky atmosx>heres, i^t yourselyes as 
wet as you can, and iiken ahvse me, hecause, in drying you, I make 
olouds oome up, and you oan't see me. I 'm all here, my dear little 
Earth, so don't frightton yofurself . Don't belieye a word that ehap 
FiouiKB says ahout your folks coming here some day. I wouldn't 
haye you at any ^oe ; and he 's an idiot. 1 hear tiiat little fool of 
a moon of yours isgiying herself airs. If you were worth a ray, 
some of you would find your way to her, and teaoh her manners. 
Db. CBOLYiMild yofu tiiat it oould he done easily, if you only knew 
how. Batntet's year look-oat. Mind, I intend to dry you tho- 
roughly, «Dd until lliat 's done you '11 see y«ry little of me. How- 
eyer, yeu^mgo on hellowing, if ittasBMs you, hut softer all these 
years y«a mtght-know better. 



my dear Earth, don't speak to me, I used to like you yery 
muoh, but really your conduct— and you get worse and worae. I do 
hear such things I There really can be nothing: between you and me 
until you alter yery much indeed. I would wish you happiness, but 
it can come only with virtue, 

1 cannot do better than quote the words of your own poet, who 
is good OBOugh to yisit me sometimes : — 

** Honour, riches, marriage-bletring. 
Long oontmuanoe and inoreasing ; 
Hourly joys be still upon you, 
Juno nngi her blessings on you." 

I liear iHiat Juno says, and I imitate her i— 

** Earth's increase, foison plenty. 
Bams and gamers never empty. 
Vines with ohistering bunches growiag, 
Plants with goodly burthen bowing. 
Spring oome to you, at the farthest, 
In the Tory end of harvest, 
Scarcihr and want shall shun yea, 
Ceres' bleflBing so is on you." 



INOREDIBLE INTtLLGENCi. 

OF TEE EXOUE- 

(IITER is most 
buiiiyemplnyt^d 
in me.tnnn^" a 
seheme f armak- 
ing'pitbUeplay- 
^tounds of ih^ 
Crown Lands 
lately squabbled 
over on the 
Thames Em- 
bankmeDt. 

At therpqueet 
of Mk^letths 
LoTJiB Blakc, 

JlTLES FaV11£, 

and Q-AiiuErrA, 
M. TutKii» has 
telcRfraphed to 
Chistil hurst, of- 
feriog immedi- 
ately to r<?Higii 
Mb bffioe, <m 
Gondition that 
the Eatphroh I 
will resume his ; 
former power as , 
President, of the 
Hepublic, I 

The Chief 

Coif MTB^tONEH ' 

OF ^ WtiRKs is 
actively enj^ftg^ed in correcting the proof ekeetfl of two most int-f^reat- 
ing and inatructiv© emanations from his pen, the one wberH<tf will 
be intitled Ai/rtim^s Foliie Letter Writer^ while the other will bear , 
*\hie namo of Ayr ton' $ ABC u/Art. \ 

It is a onnoufi faot| bnt one well-known to BkHled geoloshts^ I 
that, Boatter^d in the drift of oerttLin parts of Cambridgeahtre, losail 
aanaagee are found among the friable deposita^ 

Members of Convocation will no doubt rejoii/& to learn that Dr. 
GouLBOcrsN has most thoughtfully invited Mu. SrutiiiEQN^ and 
DfAN Stanley to visit him at Norwich, for the purpose of i>rei>ariug- 
ft scheme for the araGndoient of the Atbanaaian Creed, and for intra- 
duoiiig certain Hberal reforma iuto the rubho. 

At a reoent festive meetmg of the Royal Academy, it was pro- 
posed and oarriad, ti^nune ctmtradicente^ that in future no H. A. 
ahould have the privilege of haugiug any picture *^ ou the iioe,^^ 
unless it were aiijud(^*^d to be dfeservmg of the place by tlie Toic*j of 
& Committ«je yearly chosen by ouUiders, 

It ia not generally known that lUrFAfiLE^ the *'01d Master,*' as 
we preiume to call him^ waa in reality a music- ma*ter, and gained 
hiB fame aa an artiali^ by playing airs up*jQ the banjo in the ears of 
New York railways, where im tunea which he performed are tttill 
known aa Rlffaxle's Car-toons. 




Aooording to a rumonr which is current in the NftVy, the Lords of 
the Admiralty have decided that a yacht shall beeoitstraoted, for 
their use, upon the BMsisaiOE inyention for prtfrtAtiRg marine 
nan.>9ea. 

Mii, PeTEiL Tatloh ha» fiigoiliad hla wish to •Mriit at the next 
prison whipping of garottora. 

It is reported at the Clubs that the Eang^nhtp of Hyde Park will 
be offered, in the middle of next week, to Ma> Odoiou 

Sfj averse is Ma, Gilpijt to the puurshin-^jnt of kangiog, that lie 
will not even let a bit of Chrifetma^ beef bo hnag upon his premises. 

Provincial readecH doubtless will hear with deep i«^ret that the 
Brail ant Corps of Beef ea tern oq duty at the Tower will in f ature be 
(llled only by the strictest Vegetarians^ 

The world will hear with some surprise that the Estimates, next 
year, will be framed upon a plan for abolition of ^e Inoome^tax. 



PERSECUTION ABROAD AN"D AT HOME. 

HEFBRRiifa to BistfAucic and the Oorernmeats of the German 
Empire, the Fgpk, iu hie late Allocution, was plaued to obaorvB : — 

^' Tlier^fl men, heaping oalunmy o& ridicule, Jo not bloah to attribute per- 
ae^utiou to Eomaa CatholtcB/* 

P^raecution, we all ktxow^ is an enormity of whioh Roman Catho- 
lics are, and evt:r were, iiiLiapable, on tboir own principles. The 
[uEinifiitiou perseeuted heretics by burniiM; them no more than 
c-riuiinalB are persecut-od in beiug' hauled* When will the world be 
ms,de by Infallible Roliuess to aee that Roman CathoUos cannot 
^x>84ibly per^eoTi^ie ; oan only ba peraecut4}d F They are manifestly 
persecuted by disability to exterminate heretics by law. M& Daw- 
soN^ BtJHNS appt3ars to ooneidtif himself and his associates persecuted 
beoause they are not empowt^reil to suppress the trade in generous 
liiiuors by a Permissive Prohibitory Act* Doubtless this yiew of 
thi' oasti is also taken by Ok. MANNrrfG, the advocate, likewise, of 
compulsory total abstinence ; and with equal reason the titular 
teetotal Archbishop might oomplaiu of the ill-usage he endures, in 
common with Roman Catholics generally, inasmuch as they are 
denied, cvi n in a district where they constitute a majority of the 
ratepayers, the right to vote for the abolition of tM places of w[orahip 
bnt their own* All thi^ is so dear, and Bismajlcx and his like 
must know it lo well, that, unless lost to all sense of shame whatso- 
ever, they oould not attribute persecution to Roman Catholics with- 
out bluibiing ] yet, as the Pope says, it is too certain that they do* 



One af the Best Compliments of the Season. 

The Zooloifical Society have, with great propriety, awarded a 
Medal to M-iL. UiRTLKtij the able Suporintcnaent of their G-ardens. 
lUmemberiag a reoi^nt interesting event in the Regent's Park, we 
should not h^vo becm surprised to bear that Ma. B^JLXLBTI had been 
made a Cornxjauioa of the (Hippopistamoi's) Bath. 

^)initi7pn hv \^TV J\ 

A DKFDrrrro^ at a Da^ck,— 
a 9f If-oraamental lufltinet. 



by v:rO% 
oman m i ereatore endowed with 



January 4, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

ow, Mr. Editor, for Yotit Re 
presentatiyeMan to go some- 
lohere onBozing-night, was 
an absolate necessi^. But 
"where P I, a« Your Repre- 
sentative, tried Drury 
Lane, and couldn't get in 
—no, not three days before, 
and Goyent Garden was 
equally out of the ques- 
tion. If these two were 
full, where next? The 
Alhambra. The applica- 
tion was satisfactory, and 
what Loye might not haye 
been able to do was effected 
by Money. Crowded in 
eyery i>art : eyen up to the 
Oriental pigeon-holes at 
the yery to^, from which 
eleyated position only the 
heads of the performers 
oouldj by any posaibilityt 
have been yiiihlt^, when 
they approached thefoet- 
light^^ with the bodies 
under them horribly fort- 
shortened, {>r rather ilat^ 
ien^d into m^re lumps* 
Anybody yifitisg the StaUs at the Alhambra TheMrt\ i^^liould 
practise some sort of gymnaetios in order to render bimef^ll E^tifH- 
oiently litheaomefor the position nec^^^&ry to be ai«iiined 011 entering 
any row of these seats. ^ If your Stall ia m the o^ litre of a row (as 
mine was) you must incur the wrath and hatred of mil those on 
whose toes you ar8 compelled to trample, the aogerof all in front 
against wh!ose baok hair you can't Help brushing^ and, iinaUyf the 
loss of your own. temper at being eompUiued of by others, when 
you yourself are suffering torments from the imnaturally anfnilAr 
attitude which you haye to pireB&rye in j^rogrei^Qn* Mewmre 
aradasiB equally unpleasant, unlei^ your ndghkrurs bare quitted 
before you. Your Repiesentatiye^a ad^rifM to intendiog staU^ocou piers 
is, ** Look at the plan, and don't take the m^U at the baok^ opposite 
the entrance,. as there are no doorSf and there iB*ucha drauijkt ! ^' 

The Alhambra wasnnluoky aa a Bojti jt g-n i gbt^cho ice. It anuf^unoed , 
as a •* New Grand Spectacular Opera Bimift^ I^esriti ** (whatever 
that may me^n), T?ie Black Crmk. The moat imjxjxtaat peraon 
in it, howeyer, was a Miss iXTLik Skamaf, who pkyed a tragic 
Indian Princess without the least attempt at fun. She played it 
yery well, and, though at a consideTable diet an oe from iJie stage. I 
hesid eyery word of her part, which is saying a g^Mid deal for the 
Alhambra, specially on Boxiiig*nightM T was not any happier 
when I had heard it: but this wasxi^t the liidj^'e fault. MXX£* 
CoBNiLiE d'Akka did not aDpear, and a oltver lady read her 
spee^es andjsang her sbngs» Thi^ w^h Lmt'oriunate, 

How they manage to produce a Sp^Uele at all on m small a stage 
is a maryel, and one is almost ioiiiined to add wh^t Db. Johnson 
said about the wonderful peiformane^ {>n the yiolot^eello. The piece 
lasted ^om seyen till past eleyen ; and thi^ alter the excieioitB which 
Monday's and Tuesday*s p^urmaneeB bad reDd^^red indispensable. 

In J?a^ anc? ^t/ou, which ha fi set the lanhion. for thi^ ityle of 
entertainment, there is something to la^gh at^I mean Mm. Bbou^k 
and the Turtle, besides the prooeshion ol the Origin of Maup with 
Lord Dundreary and the Ape,— but in TAs Black Croak there is^ 
at i>resent, nothing laughable; though, as there is plenty of room 
for improyemeUt, some witticisms or praotioaL fun may, in course 
of time, be introduced. 

The Biche au Bois^ in Paris, was full ol stBstiiDff' effeets and' 
pantomimic changes. These, probably on account of the limited 
stage ai)pliances, are omitted, and hence one. strong element of its 
popularity is wantine. 
The Costtimes are lor the most paxt brilliant. 
Your Repreeentatiye was pleased to notice the excellent terms 
thsft^some of the gorgeously-clad warriors of the ballet were on 
with their admirers among the audience. There was no pride, I was 
rejoiced to see. amon^ these ladies, although they were dressed so 
finely. They had, I imagine, some capital jokes on the stage, as, 
when one of the performers i^ke, the supers and chorus went into 
conyulsions. I was glad to see them enjoying themaelyes, but 
the humorous jests, wnateyer they were,^did not reach the row of 
stalls where Your Bepresentatiye was seated. Mb. Fjrbdebic Clit 
has written a song for Miss Eatb Santlst, which is likely to be 

Sopular: it was the one cheery thing in the piece, and was 
eseryedly encored ; nay, if I remember aright, it was demanded 



three times. If there are many draughts on that stage, it strikes 
me that the young lady just nained will be a sufferer. 

There were ballets in plenty fairly danced, but with nothing 
grotesque or laughter-moying in them, such as playgoers, in holiday 
time, loye to see from the Yokes's at Drury Xane, the DAirBAKS, 
formerly at the Gaiety, and the Patnbs, till now, at Coyentr Garden. 

In short. The Black Crook^ as a whole, is unccnnmoidy dull ; 
but as anything, howeyer absurd, may be introduced into such an, 
Extrayaganza without injuring the dialo^rue, situations, or^stc^, it 
is not unlikely that the Management will hit upon- something to 
giye that amount of **Go'' to the entertainmeint,rwhicb,.as, now 
represented, it most certainly requires. 

Your Bepresentatiye has nothing, more at present \xk My.rol the 
Theatrical noyelties, but ho^ to make a speedy round, and report 
progress. ISiere are two duties at Christmas time : one is to go to the • 
large West Bnd Theatres, and the other to yisit the Grecian, .and see 
what Mb. Cohuubst is doing. To saye Paterfamilias trpu)>lo, it may 
be as well to state^that there is a Pantomime at the Princess's and 
at Astley's, and morning peiformanees at the. Big. Houses .on 
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. Poor Pantpmimists, tis 
enough to make you all turn tragedians! Wdshins^ eyerybody gene« 
rally, and yon, I&, in particular^ a Happy New Year» 
I am ^^ iv pftfv ^^ 

^ ^ YouB BBPBXflmncaziyB. 



THE WEAEIEST WATD OF ALL- 

{See the Pope's Christnme AUoetUion.) 

TfiBBB's a sound that at still C9irjstmas midnighb 

CouMs £tf ully borne on the galei. 
Of carols* to sleep that forbid nig^t, 

With their ouayering, querulouis wail. 
And their wind and string burden) sonorous, 

As much out of tune as of time-r- « 
Tbok we know the 'yTaits* regular chonu, 

And atop ears against musio and rhyme. 

Mtire and more grow the Waits, whom theseaaon^ 

Into ydce is too certain to call, , 
Wliose rhymes haye their more or less reason, 

With " Giye, giye I " for key-nste of alL 
But through e'en their most dolorcus singing^ 

And crack'dest of music, we know 
A faint far-off echo is ringing 

Of the Bethlehem choir long age 

But there 's one old Wait of this C9iristma«i, 

Whose carol is saddest of chime. 
As he calld on a deaf world to list mass. 

In a tune that is all out of time. 
Through the night, that for him eyer darkens, 

Still droning nis descant of wrong, 
In the ears of a world that but hearkens. 

To gnunhle, ** Hang him and his song I " 

PooBold POTB I-~o'«r the wide waste of waters, 

No more bjr his dykes k^pt in hold. 
He calls on ms stray sons and daughters, ' 

Broke loose from the Vatican fold ; 
But his yoice, through the midnight all moonless,, 

Awakes nor regard nor reply. 
And hollow and empty and tuneless, 

Oomefrbaok, on the night-wind, to die. 

Christmas reVllers, as homeward they royster, 

Old Wait after Wait may pass near. 
Some to tayem addrest, some to cloister. 

And some to whoeyer will hear ; 
But of all the old Waits on their ^ial, 

Whose waiting is hopeless as thine. 
Who wait'st till the hiuids of Time's dial 

Shall backwards for forwards incline P 



AArsnati've Negation. 

Gile8. Did e'er a man eyer zee sitch wet weather in all' his bam 
days afore ? 
Modge, Neahl 

A' HAPPY. THOT70HT JOB CHBIOTMAfl,^^^ J 

It is consolteg to reflect that when a Norfolk turkey fafsi^ol lie 
pip, it is neyer sent to table until it is s-kewered. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



[January 4, 187a. 



A TEETOTAL CONPESSOE. 

Bt Iboth oonsomen of 'generons liquon, «iid total abstainers from 
them^ tlie f oUowing extract from the Mannng Post will be read 
with interest and sympathy :— 

" Ths Fisst Pledobd Tbbiotallbr.— The national penny sabtcription, 
on behalf of John 
KmQ, the ficit man 
who, in 1832, at Mb. 
Joseph Liybsbt's re- 
queit, ligned the total 
abitinenoe pledge in 
England, haB jmt been 
cloaed. Kimo ia nearly 
77 yean of age; his 
sight is very defectiye, 
and neariy gone; his 
wages as a gato-keeper 
on the Southport une 
of railway are yery 
small, and his income 
has not been such as 
to enable him to make 
provision for his old 
age. Hie subscription 
has not much ezoeeded 
JB300." 

By a cnrions oo- 
incidence, the para- 
graph above quoted 
IS followed by a 
recommendation of 
that *' celebrated 
and delicions old 
mellow spirit," 
Einahak's LL. 
Whiskey. To many 
readers this wiU 
suggest the very 
improper surmise, 
that if a man does 
not wish to live to 
be reduced to desti- 
tution in his old age, 
he should abjure 
thin potations and 
addict himself to 

?}irituous liquors, 
bor JoHV Sjno, 
the aged Teetotaller 
in distress, will, to 
the eyes of too 
numerous persons 
of another way of 
thinking than Sis 
Wilfrid Lawson's 
and that of the Rky. 
Dawsok BuBirs, 
present himself as 
an awful example 
of the effects of 
total abstinence. 
Some bibulous pa- 
rents will perhaps 
even be so aban- 
doned as to point 
this abstemious man 
out to their children 
with the same object 
as that with which, 
on the other hand« 
the Sjpartans used 
to exhibit a drunken 
Helot. These con- 
siderations render 
ityery desirable that 
the subsoription-list 
on Mk. Knra's be- 
half , which has been 
dosed, should now 
be immediately re- 
opened* chiefly in order that the lorers of generous liquors may 
exerdae their generosity by reUeying the necessity that has fallen on 
an ezemplaiy person— relief which will be generous the more that, 
under thor MTenmies' banner, he has oome to poyerty. 




PROPHETIC. 

Sifuaan (thrinking qf (hi Weather). "They Sat we shall have moue Water yet!' 
Milkman {thinking of his Milk), *' An 1 That you tt/ll, my Deau I " 



The Naxiov's Nek Pbofet.— That of the British Fisheries. 



A STRIKE IN THE CHUBCH. 

Whibb is the prerailing epidemic amongst the Working Olaases to 
stop P It has now extended to an order of Working Men not accus- 
tomed to work in their shirt-sleeyps, or in flannel jackets, or caps of 
brown paper. The 2VmM, a few days ago, contained the following 

piece of eoclcfliasti- 
cal intelligence :— 

<<Bbicbdial Cala- 
mity. — The London 
Correspondent of the 
Binnmgham OautU 
states thatfoor Curates 
at Bichmond struok 
on Sanday, but the 
Yioar, being a man of 
energy, summoned as- 
sistance by teleeraph, 
and was enabled, not- 
withstanding the de- 
fection, to ge^ throogh 
ten serncea in two 
churches." 

There is, how- 
eyer, to be noted 
this distinction be- 
tween the Working 
Men of the Trades^ 
Unions and the 
Journeymen Par- 
sons; that the lat- 
ter, in the case 
above specified, did 
not strike for higher 
wages, as most 
Curates have more 
reason to than any 
other of the labour- 
ing classes. They 
appear to have 
struok on behalf 
of Ritualism against 
a Yioar who insisted 
on asserting Church 
of England prin- 
ciples. Snoh a strike 
is remarkably dif- 
ferent from that 
whereby the Stokers 
were like to have 

S lunged London in 
arlmess. A^neral 
strike of Ritualist 
Curates would, so 
far from that, haye 
precisely the oppo- 
site effect, in the 
opinion of all men 
exoei»t those whose 
conscientious but 
illogical conyictions 
haye induced them 
to pin their faith on 
a system of pseudo- 
Popery, or whose 
refuly ill-considered 
priestcraft has con- 
tracted the suppo- 
sition that people 
are to be led by the 
nose with it. 

There is an old 
aphorism, of high 
authority, which 
should make Cu- 
rates loth to strike 
for any cause what- 
soeyer. Eyery Cu- 
rate may be said to 
oaity-a Bishop's 

crosier in his portmanteau. A word to the wise is sumdent without 

reoourse to objectionable '* iteration." 



r^r^r^ I iO 



Two SoBis.— There are goody goody books ; there are also baddy 
baddy books, and rather too many of them. 



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January 4, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIII. 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

s we are about to 
leaye the room, 
MicKLETOir stops ns. 
"Look here I" he 
sayi» chiLokling 
again, and more 
than eyer, " I 've 
got another. Only 
tell me if you 'ye 
heard it before." 

We promise him, 
and Btand in at- 
tentiye attitudes. 
(Wonder if he's got 
many of these.) 

**I don't think 
yon baye heard it," 
he^<3«son; "because 
I mcide it myself." 

Happy Thought,— 
Sope he / doesn't 
msjce iiaany things 
himsilf. Wine, for 
instaaoe. I roflMm- 
ber b>>iiie-made wine, 
«mee. 

^^^EUsiait. *Wlwn 
does an Aldermaft go 
on four legs?'" 
** When he rides," suggests EKomross. 
" No, that 's aot it I ''^ chuokleS'JficiuuEToir, delighted it his first 
failtire. 
"I«aii'tgue8s,"Ireply. 
"O.youow*." 

" No, indeed, I ean't. I neyer oould." 

" Ha! Ha! Ha I " he laoffhs heartily. " I asked Iota of fellows 
in ike Gily, «nd tiiey oeilldn't make it out at all. Old Dumptbb 
botiMredr himself oyer it for half an hour or more, and as to MAasNDiB 
I thought he 'd haye gone into fits when he heard the answer. Ha I 
Ha! Hal" 
" What is it P " asks Englbkoss. 

We are both getting hungry, and I 'ye j ust stopped a yawn. 
"I 'U tell you." replies Mickletov, winking rather to nimself than 
at either of us, '* An Alderman goes on f oor legs when he beoomes a 
Mare. EhP GkwdP isn't it P" 

••Ah, I see," says Ewolbmom. ••Lord Mayor." ••Capital." 
••Capital." I eoho. Then both keeping up a laugh, we onoe more 
attempt tiie door, Ekglbmobb obserying that he 's afraid we shall be 
late. 




, - again. bangiQg the door after .him, as if 

he 'd got priyate and important banness to attend to within at which 
he mustn't be disturbed on any aooount He was too quick for me, 
and I hayen't seen him, as yet. 

•• Half -past six," I say, moying towards the door. 

••. Plenty of time," obseryes our host, •* we 're neyer yeiy punctuaL 
By the way," here he stops us onoe more, ••talking of riddres,"^we 
weren't, but that is of no consequeiioe to him—** I made one the 
other day as I was going up in the train." 

We can't help burselyes. Eireiaicoss can only murmur sadly, 
•• Colonel Conundrum," and yield. I neyer saw a man so suddenly 
and completely depressed as EEreuocoBX after these two riddles, and 
in the presence of a third. 

Happy TAoti^A^.— Look at my watoh and slightly yawn. 

No good. MicELBTOK must tell us this. If we 'ye heard it will 
wesaysoP " Why is a Charity-boy ^" 

BrtUiarUly Happy Thought.—Yeii^ we have heard it. Very old 
one. 

•• No^ no, it 's not the one I mean," he says. 

•• Quite the same," returns Englsmou, turning the door-handle. 

MiGKLETON goes OU, — 

•' When is a Charity-boy like a blue-bottle ? " 
S^ •• Giye it up, Massa Bones." says Englkmou, in despair. 

Do JjriyeitupP Certainly. Certainly. What is it? 

•• Well," says liiCKLETON. amazingly delighted at his third suc- 
cess, ••the answer is, when he's huzzy. Ha! ha! hal " He roars 
at it 

We are a bit sulky. Ekglehobe obseryes that it's not so good 
as the others. I agree with him. 

•'No I " Exclaims Micklbtoit. •* Then I'ye got a better. It's a 
first-rate one. I met little Pinksb at Birch's the other day, and 
asked him. He said it was the best thing he 'd eyer heard. Look 
here. ' When is the PBRSiDBirr op thb Uwitbd Statbs •' " 



Here the door is pushed open from the outside. Mbs. Micklbton 
enters in full dress. 

•' What, Jambs I not gone to dress yet? It reaUy is too bad. 
The dinner will be spoilt, and I shall be kept waiting." 

Here a bell rings loudly. 

Happy Thought.—LeeLYe the Riddlemaker to explain. We go to 
our rooms. 

I 'ye come down here to learn about Gardening and Farming, and 
he 's not said a word on tiiose subjects at present. Ekglbmobb calls 
him Prof essor. Of what? Conundrum-making? 

Happy Thought.— JAKmeT, 

We haye a yery pleasant dinner. Mickleton introduces diffinrent 
wines to us of rare excellence. 

Remonbering that I haye come to leam a great deal from him 
about farming. I try to turn the oonyersation in this direction. 

It appears that ii there is a subject which both Micelbtok and 
his wife carefully ay(Hd, it is farming. As for horticulture, Mbs. 
MicELBTON informs me that •* she has become quite tired of flowers." 
Speakiag, I think, at her husband, who, whUe pretending to be 
complete^ absorbed in giying Ekglbmobb the remarkable nistory 
of a dhuier claret, is clearly uncomforta.bld,'iliei;M8 on to say, 

•• The fact is, I haye been so long doWn mre without seeing 
anything except flowers, or anybody eoaaept tfae -gndaier, that I 
haye become utterly weary of tfiem.'' 

With a seeret feeling l^t I «m siding with my hostess against 
my host, but that he, as a man of 'Hie •world.^^nll understaBd this 

SoliteneBS, Ireply, ••Well, yes, I n^poeeiiiat iUmmt be a^MOe 
nil." 

•• Very dull," she returns emphatically. ••It^^mll iv«rrwell for 
you gentlemen who haye got'TOur Clubs <md-ywir 1iuaiiW B inJww n, 
to comedown for a dwr ^ot^ and then,** (sueh a lookvt'lbacCBTOK, 
who smiles feebly mt Ekgixmobb), ••and aay^you enjoy the country 
so much. But it would be a yery diflmnt thing if you were 
obliged to stay hcore, all idone, from one year's end to the other." 

•• 0, well I " exclaims Micklbtok, joyially, •• we 'U take a house 
in town for the season, next year, and you'll enjoy this place all 
the more when you return." 

•*My dear James," replies Mbs. Micklbtok, with a sarcastic 
smile, •• you 'ye said that eyery year as long as I can remember, but 
you 'ye neyer done it." 

MiCKLBTON tries to kuffh itoff,\and I see that by showing myself 
interested in farming ana gardening, I haye eyidently put my foot 
in it. 

Happy Thought.— Take my foot out of it. Change th6 topic at 
once. Ask Micklbton if he's going up to town to-morrow. He 
frowns at me rapidly, and shakes his head. I 'ye put my other foot 
in it It seems that I 'ye got both feet in it, as Mbs. mioelbiov 
takes the reply into her own mouth, 

•• Of course he 'U go up early to-morrow." 

•* Business," I hint, faintly, in order to do Micklxiok a friendly 
turn. 

•* There can't be much hueiness going (m, as my husband is 
always complaining of what 's not bemg done in the City ; but if he 
makes a new Conundrum, or thinks of a good story, he's not happy 
till he has ffone up. to the office and told it to all.the pedple who call 
themselves his friends." 

•• My dear I " interposes Micklbtok, eyidently wishing to restrain 
his wife's remarks before us, and in the presence of the footman. 
Howeyer, as a large stand with an enormous bush occupies the 
centre of the table, ne is hidden from her as completely as I am from 
Ekglbmobb, whose eye I only manage to catch through the leayes, 
or by dodging a little on one side. 

••It's quite true, my dear," she continues. ••And then, Mb. 
Englemobb, just bedsore dinner I often receiye a telegram to say he 
won't be down that eyening, in consequence of fieiying to meet 
somebody who is of the greateist importance to him." 

•* Well," says the uuqrtunate Conundrum-maker, •• I db haye 
to meet people who are of great busing importance to me, at 
dinner." 

We (his Guests) smile. 

I say. ••Of course you haye^" and smile. Ekglbmobb winks 
priyately at Micklbtok, but is detected by Mbs. Micklbtok, 
when he laughs^ and obseryes that •* Boys will be boys," which, 
though meant kindly, does not exercise a soothing influence on our 



•^Boys, indeed?" she says. "I should think so. Prom what 
I 'ye heard, they 're a nice set of boys, too, on the Stock Exchange. 
And when he stops in town, as he 's slways doing— on business--h» 
comes back with a lot of Conundrums, as if his trade was to make 
Christmas crackers, and then he driyes all oyer the country asking 
these. But it 's yery dull for me down here, as you may imagine.'' 

Happy ThouahL—KkBiANk in the Moated Grange. 

Luckily, at this moment, Ekglemobe changes the oonyersation by 
asking Mas. Micklbtok if she '11 assist him at his House Warming, 
whenlie proposes haying Theatricals and a Ball. 

Mabiaka of the Moated Grange jump's at the idea. So does 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARL 



[Januabt 4, 1873^ 




Emily, 



HINT TO FOX-HUNTERS. 

{ShMUd the Flood» cowtvMu.) 
" Isn't thzbe a bio Bank and Rails sokewhere ueri^ Charlks f * 



CfharUa. " Yes, not fae off. Mind you keep his Head stbaioht. I mean, look to youe Steering, and Sit tight ! ' 



BCiCKLXTOK. So do I. Anythini; to get rid of the nnpleaiant lab- 
jeot. We all go in heartily for Ehglbmobb's soheme. 

MiCKLSiON, seeing his wife in so excellent a frame of mind, won't 
hear of her quitting the room, as she is the only lady, and it wonld 
be dull for her in the drawing-room. She stops with us. 

Conseqnenoe of this is that the only topics interesting to me are 
tabooed, and I have come down here for— nothing. 

It*s late in the year. The Gardeners from Gutch*s are, I suppose, 
hard at work at the Nook. I should like to ask Migkletoit, who, I 
Btill belieye doee farm (or why should he have reoeiyed us dressed in 
a shooting-coat, olodh<m^in|( hoots, and gaiters F). what one ought 
to do in the garden at tms tune— yiz., just the end of the year. 

Will catch him in the morning. I decide upon this to myself 
while they are discussing the house-warming. 

MiCKLXTOv asks ten Conundrums— his wife encouraging him now^ 
before we take our candles for bed. 

MicsLBTOir comes up to see that I 'm *' all comfortable." 

Opportunity not to be lost. 

Mappy ITiotiaA^.— Seriously, before going to bed, I ask him. 
'* You know all about gardening. What would you do in a small 
garden at this time of year, with only one gardener and a help F *' 

He pauses to consider. Me looks at the floor. Then he loojks up, 
shakes his head knowingly, and replies, "I know; I Ve heard it 
before. It 's like the ship weighinff anchor, and drawing four feet 
3f water^ and what's the name of the Captain? Smith, eh?" 

He thinks it's a riddle. I am about to disabuse nim of this 
action, when Ekgudcobb looks in, and says. 

'*HidloI Colonel Conundrum out again r " Whereupon he and 
IfiCKLBTOir both kufh heartily, the latter obserying, jocularly, 
fomething about an old bird not being caught so easily ; and then 
thejr both say " Good-night I " and retue. 

Svidently I shan't get much gardening information out of Colonel 
Conundrum. What a habit for a man to get into I 

Accomplished Pbophsct.— " Apree moi le DSlugeJ^^VxnxBXiCR. 



PEASrS OP POND MEMORY. 

There is a sweet sayour 

Sa|:gesting the flayour 
Of what in mine ^outh was a great treat to me. 

I nose it, whilst roaming, 

Sometimes, in the gloaming : 
Sally Lunn at the Are somewhere browning for tea. 

joy I can't utter. 

Hot tea-cake, with butter. 
Or muffin, or crumpet, all gusMng, galore. 

When young lips were squeezing ! 

'Twere now full as pleasing 
As it then was idien these at their corners ran o'er. 

Hot rolls, of a morning, 

To shun I 'ye had warning. 
But now loye as much as I oyer did, quite. 

T|ie middle piece, crummy. 

And oozy, and plummy, , ,. , 

Would still yield me all its remembered delight 

Toast likewise, I dote on. 

Hot buttered, oft gloat on. 
With eggs, in idea, for a morning's blow-out 

But that, for digsprtion. 

Is out of the question. 
So I breakfast on porric^ for fear of the gout 



VOnOK OF HOBILITT. 

AMast of Birth is commonly one whose remote ancestor did some- 
thiuK, and his intermediate predecessors, g>ri|pLan:^cgnt|^n^^ 



jANDAfiY 4, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 




AT THE CHURCH-QATE. 

Bthdinda. "It's Raining! What asALL we Do!*' 

Eddgitha, <• Happy Thought! Let us Wait foe Aitkbnoon Sbeviob I" 



I'HE PHHiOSOPHT OP ADULTEEATION. 

Fbok apile of kUenaddiMied by BetaH Traders to a well-known London firm 
of co ndiment and proTision meronanti, namely, Mbssbs. Cbobsb and Blace- 
wiiLL, dealers who refnse to put copper into their pickles and preserves for the 
purpose of colonring them in order to please the eyes of idiots to whom &)od is 
repnkiTe that does not look pretty, Foodf Air^ and Water extracts the foUowinff 
sample :— 

** We are lorry to inform yoa that oar oaitomer hM retanied the case otpetitspoit on 
aeoonnt of their bad eolour; it ii, oonaeqnentlT, thrown on our hands, and we ahall be 
glad if you will take it back, ai we have no mle for a aeoond quality. If you hare any- 
thing better, we ahall be glad of your quotation, but they must be p^eotly green." 

Like tlrair onstomenu The British Tradesman very commonly incurs a 
gTMt deal more than his dne share of censure and sanre for the rogaery of 
which in too many instances he is guilty of adulterating r — '■ " ~ *« '* 
ought to be fairly divided between him and the British 



The blame 
X "* • _i ' — i""* — • — "'** —"->'->—*-» i*«M. buv ^xAMBu x^ublic. It is a fact, 
for instanw, that anchovies had, for a long time, if they have not somewhat 
generally still, to be dressed with red-ochre for the British market. Without 
the addition ofthat pigment (not fit even for pigs) they would have been less 
marketable. The qualitv of knavery on the part of the seller of sweetmeats 
and condiments coloured with salts of copper and arsenic, and other poisons, 
IS to a.great extent developed by another quality on the side of the customer. 

** Fooli jare the game that knaves pursue." 

The latter class of our Fellow-Men would not so greatiy abound in South 
London, and elsewhere, as they do, if the former were less numesop s. 



Table Talk. 

Vwir^f^^?^^' A^^^ ^^? out lately, was.heard to ask for some Paragon 
mStoV'Pkfe * ® beautiful order in which her friend kept her 

The Safb Side op Spimtuaijsm.— Seeing is not believing. 



SETMOUE, SAT LESS. 

0, DuiDB, had you not spoke so fast. 

But on your tongue clapt hobblers, 
Bemembmng " Each man to his last," 

Holds ^rood of Dukes as cobblers, 
And owning that Dame Nature may 

Befuse e'en Sbtmoubs one sense, 
•At Newton Abbot, fother dav, 

Tou 'd not have talked such noDieDse. 

When Gladstone, wbfaful Arts to mee 

'Ckunst claims ot Science swingein;, 
Onone brain-level claimed a ^ace 

For fiddle and steam-engine — 
'tffhe courage was ndt his woo dai«d 

The bold juxtaposition. 
But Sombbsbt's. who straightidedaze^ 

Gladstone a had logician. 

**Pi(Mkw^'*yoniay, "on aqnmking sbings 

HavoHnraped three hundred ysars, 
Tdt'WhAt good from their fiddliog-l^riligs 

Ob Maes, through their>«Bro T" 
-GoixntBXis sneeringly yotinMMie 

In a bfeath with PAaANiNi, 
•And hint tiiat Genoa, metiaaigihmB 

Tolioth alike, 's a ninny. 

Tou'vfaig in'^Mi^tures. wam^iitr^^ymi, 

She locomotive's glory. 
^Bow its touch changes oM'tomsw, 

•iitod lifts the world a storey : 
^Exm, while its grasp links muf and^ted, 

Hhe lightning's fettered flias, 
anfibiance's strong hniimiHltinlT 

(B«%ttoorideitiiB^wirs8. 



All'true, my lord Duke, anidv 

What idiot e'er denied 
The load that Science lifts for men. 

When to toil's levers tied ? 
Who e'er compared what violin 

And steam-engine can do P 
Unless some Duke of donkey-kin,^ 

(Of oourse I don't hint who,) 

Not len'aaoh perfect work of Art 

From a great master's hand, 
With Soience's best work hath part, 

And claims as high to stand. 
And though a Setmoue, and E.G., 

At Steaduarivs sneer, 
I 'd rather Sisaduaeiitb be 

Than e'en a Setmoue's peer. 



Bconomy in the Noftlu 

'^Thi Ghtfgow Bt Andrew Society will give prises of £21 
and £10 10«. reepeetiyely. for the best two EesayB < on the Jaco- 
bite Episode in SoottiBh History, and its BektiTe literature.' It 
ia desirable that tbe Essays be within such oompais as to be read 
alond within two hours." 

By St. Andrew, these thrifty Scotchmen are detor- 
mined to have their penn'orth ! Ten guineas, or even 
twenty, for an Assay which may take two hours to read 
aloud, cannot be condemned as a reckless expenditure 
of money : especiallv as it is stipulated that the copy- 
right of the successful ^Etsays'CBhalllbe the property of 
the Society. After thinking the matter weU over, we 
have detemined not to compete. 

Pen in your Teeth! 

A New Yoez firm (so a paragraph in the Times in- 
forms us) has this year imported 15,000,000 goose-quill 
tooth-picks. 

Let our American cousins, above all the editors amoug 
them, be gratefuL 

Every feathered goose that furnishes fifteen tooth- 
picks robs fifteen f eatherless geese of as many pens. 

Punch, much sufiTerinsr under a nightn^e of Christmas 
correspondence, calls this ** quill-ariving in the right 
direction"— to honest picking of teeth instead of wicked 
raising the wherewithal to keep them going. 



10 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Jaitoabt 4, 1873. 







''BAFFLED SCIENCE SLOW RETIRES.'' 

Scene — CcnversazioM of the TherebihangscUailogieal Society, 

Dr. Fossil, ** You o^erve» like the Os CALom, there is a Projection rfERE of the ** 

Lady lAst&ner {eager vfitk demonstraUm), '^That sqqws we cannot have been Monkeys/Dr. Fossil; because in Real People 

THAT PART IS THE FUNNT JBONE,*' 

Military Escort {tnih evidently dear View of the Theory). ** Very True. I think it's ap<urd. you know; to ivagine that 
THAT — AW — Fellah could ever have been a Man— arm is much too Long to hold a Gun propkrly ; proves it, beyond a 
Doubt— AW ! " [Exit Dr. Fossil, a sadder if not a wiser man. 



TO PAKEVTS AHD OVABDIAHS. 

Our Younq Friends are home for the hoUdays^ hut should not quite 
waste all thevr time, or forget all that they have learned, A few of 
these Questions ana Answers from MangnaU might surely he enjoined 
as a study ^ even in the mostjniulgent of households* 

Q, What Eingr first affixed a Seal to Jus doonmentB P 
A, Edwabd thb Comiaaoju Henoe oomes the phrase, the Seal 
of Confession. 
Q. What is a barometer ? 
A, A thing yon knock in the hall, and then yoa gmnt 



Q. 
A, 



Are not umbrellas of great antiquity ? 
abb 



Some of them, and shocking shabby, too. 
. Is not RoGEB Bacon said to have made the first map ? 
A, Yes. It was one of Hogs Norton, whmre the pigs play on the 
organ. 
Q, Are not turnips a most nsefnl yegetable P 
A, Yes, for shying at persons yon don*t like. 
Q, What people drink their wine warm P 
A, Chinese, and idiots. 

Q. Has not the Coast of Barbary been infested with pirates P 
A, Yes ; but they haye all gone to America and turned publishers. 
Q, What did men and women wear before hats were inyented P 
A. Heads. 

Q, What are Dutch tiles made of P 
A, Beayer or felt, just like our own hats. 
Q, Why is butter wrapped up in newspapers P 
A, In menuffY of NAiHAinsL Buttxe, who printed the first, in 



1622. 

Q. 
A. 



What is drawing on stone called P 
Usually yery bad. 



Q. What are bricks ? 

A, Jolly, kindhearted, cleyer people, like Mr, Punchy 

Q, How are they formed ? 

A, By reading Punch, and acting up to his precepts. 

Q. What is the peculiar property of diamoQdsP 

A. Causing a lady who wears them to despise one who doesn't. 

Q. What u tortoise-shell P 

A, The skin of the most beautiful kind of ddmestic cat. 

Q, Were the ancients acquidnted with the use of forks ? 

A, Only of pitchforks, which must have been inoonyenient at 
dinner. ♦■ 

Q. How, then, did they, carye without forks P 

A, With kniyes, as is still the custom. 

Q, Where is the Elephant found P 

A. It is difficult to lose him, he isso lai^e. 

Q. What is rhubarb P 

A, An excellent if nasty medicine, and much used in spring tarts. 

Q. What is peppermint P 

A, A thing taken by horrid old women in churches and omnibuses. 

Q, What do you mean by forging iron P 

A, Don't be angry with me. I hayen't been doing anything of 
the sort. 



AK ADDBESS WANTXD. 

The Dxjte 07 Somebsbt has been speaking on the subject of 
Applied Education. Will some one, ducal or otherwise, say a few 
wprds about Misapplied Education P 



a, 



Lf andent times, at this season, the Senrants became Masters' 
modem times, the Senrants are our Masters at all seasons. 



^e i 



ritatod to JoMpk Saitti. of No. M. HoUbrd Squn.lm tba P»rlih of St. Jmm. OtoriLnwoU. in «|w Oo«b^ of MiddlMos. 



at tlM Pnatliif OOOM ot HoMfi. Bndtoory. Afn«w. * Oo., Lo^borA 
FAriah of St. BcMo, Olty of Loadoa.— llAToao4T Jaouiryi 1071 



Jaotabt 11, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVABL 



11 




PEBSECUIION IN GEEMAIfT. 
AoooBsnrG to the PaU Mad Gazette :— * 

" The Pops's Alloentioii, which led to the breaking off of 
diplomatio relatioiu between Berlin and the Vatican, has, it 
aeema, been pubUahed in German by seyeral Pnusian Catholic 
papera, two of them printed in Berlin. The offending joumala 
are to be proaeouted." 

Although an Allooation is not exactly a Bull, yet, in 
grappling with the former, the German Gbyemment re- 
gularly takes the Bnll by the horns. The Popb is to be 
hononred for haying the oonrage of his opinions to a 
degree which is exemplary in these times of truckling to 
the gregarions "wish" and "opinion^' It is really a 
pi^.that his Bnlls are all blunders; but happily they are 
not suffered to toss anybody. BisiCABCxanahisEMFESOB 
bid fair yery soon to reduce papal Bulls to oxen. 



Bitual and Bapping. 
(Or, the Tories Iktmed.) 

No more high spiritual things 

The groyelling Pastor handles. 
He ffloats on censers, crosiers, rings, 
'Albs, chasubles, and candles : 

The Layman, scorning all we see. 
And all this globe inherits. 

Plays idiot tunes in other key. 
And scares himself with spirits. 



Exchange of Butter. 



"HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY." 

Bost (really in agony dbmU his polished iniaid floor). "Hadn't you better 

COMB ON THE CarPET, OlD FeLLOW ? I M SO AFRAID YOU MIGHT SjJF, YOU 
KNOW.'* 

Ouest. "0, it's ALL RIGHT, Old Fellow— Thanks ! There's a Nail at 
THE End, you know 1 " 



Ws rejoice to see, from the Irish amcultnral returns, 
that the Green Isle sent us 116,501 firkins of butter last 
year, against 48,592 the year before. Let us set off the 
butter of her farmers against the bitterness of her 
"National" editors, agitators, and home-rulers. On 
the other hand, alter reading Fboude's EngUsh m 
Ireland, one cannot say that England has this year sent 
Ireland anr extra quantity of butter— in that consign- 
ment,^ at all events. 

LSI HDC ALOJXZ. 

" Why is he Hated P" with a hiss 

Asks enmity, unsated : 
A more befitting gueslion this, 

•• Say, why is CfLADsroKB Baited P" 



OUE PEOSPECTS FOE 1873. 

Mb. Lows will deliyer his annual financial speech, extending over 
seyeral newspaper columns. In six lines towards the end he will 
open his Budget—surplus of three nuUions : destination, America. 

A rich Baronet or two will be raised to the Peerage. 

There wiU be a new Lord of the Admiralty. 

The Law Courts and Law Eef orm will go on, both probably at the 
same rapid rate of progression. 

When Parliament has sat about a month, some exhausted Member 
will ask Mb. Gladstone when the holidays are going to begip. 

The performances of the Ritualists will be continued "tnth new 
tricks and dresses. 

Conyocation will spend most of its time in debates upon the 
Athanasian Greed. 

Some astounding reyelations will be made of the ignorance and 
superstition still existing in this country. 

Ink will be shed oyer Shakspsabe, tiie origin of the Collar of SS. 
and of Man, Woman's rights, SoiritualiBm, Primogeniture, the 
Agricultural Labourer, the British Nayy, Co-qperatiye Associations, 
Domestic Seryants, Arctic Exploration, the Income Tax, and the 
high price of eyerytiiing. 

Hundreds of noyels will be published, of which about fiye per 
cent, will be remembered in twelye months' time. 

Seyeral persons will die at the age of a hundred and upwards, in 
the full possession of their faculties, and^leaying behind them deyen 
ohildren, sixty-eight grandchildren, &c. 

We shall hear of the Medes and Persians, the Moktagues and 
Capitlbts, Mahomet and the Mountain, CAPTADr Macfbath, 
TALLSYBAim, LoBD Bacon, Db. Johnson, Adam and Stditxt 
Smith, Joseph Mill^b, the Chafcellob OxEiiSTiEBiit the Upas 
tree, and many other old established f ayourites. 



Testimonials will be presented whereyer the son neyer sets on the 

British Dominions. , i. j 

We shall read some wonderful anecdotes about dogs. 

New magazines will be started, supported by a powerful array of 
contributors— in the prospectus. . _ ._ . 

We may see and hear the last of the daimant. 

The conjunction of the planets portends trouble in one of our 
Public Schools. 

Premiums will be offered for the best essays on Vegetartantsm^ or 
Etiquette, or Late Hours. ^ v i. -xi. _i. 

Pbofbssob Bubxin will publish most eloquent books with most 
eccentric tides. n, j ^- xv x xi. 

Jacxsoit Smith and Johksok Bboww will a dyertise that they 
wish henceforth to be distinguished as QBAirnLLE Fobtbscue, and 

HaBCOUBT CLAYEBOrG. 

There will be a scandal in high Ufe. ^^,:,.^ ,, ^ « 

The newspapers, about September, will get hold.of a tale of a Sea 
Serpent. 

Sometime in the Autumn, an announcement will be made that the 
Goyemment, to their great regret, are obliged, in consequence of 
the pressure of business, to abandon the idea of introducing a Bill 
for tiie Municipal Goyemment of the Metropolis next Session. 

Begging letters will appear in the newspapers on behalf of Tm- 
falgar and Waterloo yeterans. allowed by this great and grateful 
country to die in poyerty and the workhouse. . , . , . ,. 

Mb. Aybxok wfll distlnguiah (perhaps extinguish) himself. 

The year will not pass oyer without a job or two. 



A BEFLEcnoir. 
Most men wish to stand well with the world, yet in ^ese days of 



heayy assessments, how few of us there aife J!te,,Vi 
rather be under-rated than oyer-rated I ■ ^'^^^ ^Y 




yoL. Lxiy. 



1^ 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVABL 



[Januart 11, 1873, 



WHY IS MR. GLADSTONE HATED?" 

HE Spectator^ haying pro- 
poonded the above agree- 
able queBtioiL, and hayinjgr 
given its own answer, is 

' foUowed hj the PaU MaU 
OaMU with an answer 
of an entirely different 
kind. The former jonmal 
says, inter alia — 

" The same inteiue hatared 
for Mil. Glabstonb crops 
out where you generally look 
foronly lukewurm sentiments 
of any kind. The Saturday 
Sevuffij which has no intel- 
lectual raison d*itre except 
the depreciation of warmth 
of couTiotion of every kind, 
and a mild preference of the 
common-place because it i» 
common-place, seldom men 

tions Mb. GLAD6T0NBf« 

name without a passion that 
seems to amount nearly to 
loathing." 

The PaU Jfa// intimates 
that the reason why Mb. 
Gladstoi^ is hated is to 
be found in^ 

" certain tendendee of eooto* 
siasticism — its dreamy be* 
neyolence, its imjMtieni 
despotic temper, its too ingenious subtleties, its womanish obstinacy, its in- 
tellectual unsorupulousneas, the. facility with which it imposes untruth for 
truth on the mind of him who is given oyer to its influence, and the iwiaftTy^f 
which the domination of such a spirit naturally brings into the daily work and 
the practical life of i nation." 

Kow this cannot be pleasant readinr for the Pbbmibb, or his 
friends, or sodety j:eneraUy, we trust, when it is saturated with all 
the sweet and healing inflaenoes of the Christmas season, and when 
nniyersal philanthropy is disturbed by nothing but incessant indi- 
gestion. Is this the way to be writing while hi^y prompts the jest 
and mistletoe the kiss P Is this the sauce for pudding, the spirit for 
mince-pie P How can amiable journalists sit down to pen such un- 
kindness when very likely they dined with their beloyed aunts 
oyemight, and expect to meet all tiieir affectionate cousins to- 
morrow P Where are the (rantle bands that draw closer as the new 
year is bom P Where are the sweet sentiments that should crop up, 
unshayed— we mean unshamed— as the glad bells proclaim peace 
and goodwill P Truly, truly, and with melandioly tears in our 
manly eyes we write it, if Christmas can do no better for us than 
this, we fear that Christmas must be an eyerlasting humbug. Might 
we ask for the smallest glass of Cognac P 




THE HAREOWING OP THE HELLS. 

(Dj[GE1CBBB 31, 1872.) 

Iir depths of Pandemonium 

Is weeping, woe, and wail, 
Asmodeus and Ashtaroth 

Droop each a doleful toil : 
And Beelzebub, disheartened. 

Can scarce prick up an ear, 
The New Year's ftllocntion 

01 Pot: Kfc^AED to heftr. 
For this day mm the closing 

Of the ^ear, and aomethiug m 
The ahuttiug-np, in Vaterland, 

Of Hell'» long- open door : 
Hie laflt apin of the lit^e ball, 

The last turn of the card, 
The lojt chant of the Croupiers, 

The Devil^B en' de garde— 

** Faiies iHftr^Jgit, 
Mesneurs ! 
MesMsurSt 
Faites votrejeu!^' 

In Hombourg and Wiesbaden, 
m If we had eyes to mark, 

Though All^, Cours, and Knrsaal, 
Salle, and Kedoute, and Park, 



Are hoy'ring baffled squadrons 

Of deyils; blue to-day. 
At the flitting of their patrons. 

The Potentates of Play. 
Ema BsKAZET, like Boabdil, 
His Baden riding through, 
Utters farewell for eyer 

His ancient realm unto : 
Enre Blako on brow ofTaunus 

Would draw his bridle-rein. 
For a long adieu to Hombourg— 
But that he goes by train I 
So *^ Faiiea voire feu. 
Messieurs ! 
Messieurs^ 
Faites fxfirejeu/ " 

From forth the Eursaal portals 

Issnea a funeral band, 
Bladc-coatedf white-crayatted. 

With cards and balls in hand : 
Croupierathat bear the tables— 

Dead taUesI-to th^ tomb. 
Hie doths-with squares and numbers 

Laid o*er lik^ palls of doom. 
With deyils for ^all-bearers. 

That skip on either side, 
Whise noir to coukur changes. 

In effi>rt grief to hide. 
And sad those Croupiers' bearing. 

Those Inspectors-' faces long, 
A)S their Hell-gatea behind them 

Clash, with the mocking song— 
** Faites voire jeu. 
Messieurs / 
Messieurs, 
Faites votrejeu ! " 

European rasoaldom, 

French ooootterie. 
And you, that world-wide order. 

Chevaliers cP Industrie ! 
How is your glory yanished. 

Your richest seed-field shorn, 
Tour fattest, happiest hunting-ground 

How hungry and forlorn I 
But comfort ye, in Monaco, 

By San Sebastian's shores 
The Ghites of Hell, if here shut up, 

WiU open wide once more ! 
Or if not, there are Bourses 

And Money-Markets dight, 
Where more than double zero 

Bewards the adyenturous knight- 
There, '* Faites votre jeu. 
Messieurs ! 
Messieurs, 
Faites votre feu ! " 

While of all Saints, Saint Mammon 

For most of us is head. 
And a purse deyoid of money. 

The deyil we most dread. 
Let prim and pious Emperors 

Shut up the Eursaal HeUs ; 
While roguery keeps the kernels. 

What good to snuuh the shells P 
With Jay Gottlds o'er the Atlantic, 

And their good cousins here, 
Why should Chevaliers d^ Industrie 

Their fate forecast in fear P 
Long will it be ere rascaldom 

Needs table, card, and ball. 
Must droop its head, throw up its hand,- 

In answer to the call— 

*' Faites votrejeu. 
Messieurs ! 
Messieurs, 
Faites votrejeu ! " 



From the French. 

A Radical, but handsome M.P., was obseryed, the other night, 
talking yolubly to an exceedingly obese lady. Remark thereon 
being made to a French Gentleman, he^d, '* C 
tomed to address the masses." Digitlzec 



Remark thereon f 



Januabt 11, 1873. 



PUNCH, OR THE LOM)ON CHAMVARL 



13 




HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

BULT Sic 

Thought^ 
bdag moh peoa- 
Hcrly uiuMMOii' 

Jtook to Method 

th«MirGfl]fd«Mi' 
.we g«ttDnr M-* 
tttoeept flirdus- 
uoiBD^s iatita- 
'tion vto ^itay in 
TownfoPAV^ht 
or tiDo, ma ]m 
mys be pftrtiea- 
larly wttiti to 
oonmilt M6 ^iifii 
the MiaaxTMid) 
on his 90Ctu* 
coming tlM*tri-t 
calB and itttfy 
baU. 

odTod telegTMi^ 
fpMi my galtft-J 
niiod AvBt Be 
h we jay aftei} 
to nenow* On 
party, little TJan 
elee aad Hara^ 
'^,<to()»e^«a»m 
at enee to -"She 
Nook. iu^Pitatfib«epiii^Dofm'tiii3i f«r 'teaie time, more xeaaaii 
to take adTantace of it novr. 

At dinner, a G^tleman. who wias at the Gredan Theatre on the 
first niffht ot the Pantomime, tells ns '* something that will amuse 
118." Thinking oyer it afterwuds, it strikes me as a 
Siappi/ Thought.—To pat it into Terse. 

Englbmobb says. "Do so, Babkins, and come out as Mister 
Beoiter." 

Without ooming ont as Mister Eeoiter, I put forward the loUow* 
ing rhythmioal yenion, which 1 call 

A BALLAD OF BOXINGh-HiaHT. 

Being the Narrative of what happened to an Baetem Youth, who had 
saved up Sixpence in order to go and see the Pantomime on Boocmg- 
nights the Cfreeian, A fact* 

Bill Mnmrs, hero of my rhjrme, 

Heif ht fiye feet, boots and socks in, 
Yowea he would see a Pantomime 

Upon the night called '' BoxinV 

An '* arrand boy " from door to door 

Is honest Bnx. ** And which is 
Better, a arrand boy what 's poor. 

Or arrand knaye what rich is ?" 

He sared his earnings ; andihisway 

He had a goodly store got — 
Fippence three f ardens. Yet a day 

And he 'd one farthing more got. 

These small coins filled his pockets in 

An inoonyenient manner ; 
Says Bill, ** For this 'ere 'cap o* tin 

I '11 get a silyer tanner." 

Tanners are sixpences, and so 

Are '•tizzies," also " benders ; " 
This doth a wealth of language show 

Common to our East-enders. 

Far happier Bnx'on Boxing-Day 

Than any monareh regal. 
He 'd got we wherewithAl to pay 

His entrance to The Eagle I 

At six the doors would open wide, 

Not earlier or later, 
And then he soon would be inside 

The Gre-ci-an Thea^r. 



Joy beaiMd up«i Bixl Mimi's laoe. 
Framed 'twas by two locks curly : 

He cried, •• I '11 haye fust gallery piaee I " 
And so he Went there early. 

*' Fust oome, fust served," he tiius obseryed, 

Alone at half *p«it four there ; 
But in an hour, deepito a shower. 

There were some ninety soore taere. 



How to hM, en Bikl understands ; 

He pushed, hebadced, he tussled ; 
He needed elbows, arms, and hands, 

That he might not be J ' * 



Hb trea^nired ito^>6BCe, in his right, 
'Was in BPOttnflmgteieer ; 

H^saw tkatitMltitiiMM)e might 
'BoceUavedbyiwi' 



fioONtf MMe lMai}Batt,VWott,li«rth,'aud South. 

IBaystBiidL. **«aere 's y«fe I>11 putit." 
BeipMMd'>tMittxpence to his mouth, 

^Lm^la»Asg^gm» so, shut it. 

BachuUm lift«a^lil>ourBOWtn»MMd 

(Deeeffbo' thM^secne can imt pen), 
iBou^siPoey^d, but kept hisitouthtWidl'^flaed 

thktiltiliedomi^i&di 



Tfa^^ opoi a«w ! the first vash W t 
'BRLiMiynrs weuld haye fsQowed, 

Bikttler^ blow upntthe ehki^ 
AwdBOJL the Qia ipm ee ewaUewd ! 

New, oarriod onwanL by^ho'stream. 

Each bait on netting a place. 
He stomped, all dazed, as m a dream, 

Before the dreaded pay-place. 

He had no money. Gone his all I 
They shout, ** Now then ! the man pay I " 

"Get out I " says a Policeman tall : 
*' Let them adwanoe as can pay.'' 

Outside the Grecian Iralls Bill sat, 

In double-deep dejection. 
He thought upon the Six^nce : that 

Was food for his reflection. 

At a bright thought his tears he dried, 

And then upon the flat way 
He stood upon his head, and tried 

To get the Sixpence thatyf^j. 

Then he ** turned wheels," as street-boys do. 

But he made nothing of it ; 
He tried gymnastics all he knew, 

Without return OT pr^t. 

AChemisVsP Should ke-*uo, or yes ? 

He feared an operatioQ. 
Bill wculd be chaiged, too. if success 

Shoidd crown the ■peculation. 

Once more he stood up(»i his head. 

Policemen wished to take him ; 
But he explained, and so, instead. 

They only stopped to snake him. 

They held him like a man that's drowned, 

tJntil he turned quito dizzy. 
Succefcs ut last their eflbrts crowned— 

Gug— gnggle-^'* Here 's the tizzy I " 

When he came in, tiie gallery cheered 

The triumi^ of his long quest ; 
The Grecian youth had perseyered. 

And hisrewatd was ConauBST ! 



The Laot Outrage* 

It appears that we are resolyed upon finally alienating one of our 
noblest tki^onies. In tlie Journals liurt^ week i^peared a notice of tiie 
demise of a gentleman, and there was added, "Canadian papers, 
^ease copy." The gentleman's name which our frienda are asked to 
copy is '^CouirT Mabsoxushewsvoff." American States, please annex 
—alter this it would be childish to^ect to wish to retain Canada. 



u 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[January 11, 1873. 




ANSWERED.'' 

** 0, LOOIC HEEE, Mb. CbISPIN I I BOUGHT THESE BoOTS HEBE ONLY A WeEK AOO, AND THEY *BE BEGINNING TO CrACK ALREADY ! " 

" As, Miss I febhaps you 'ye been Waimisq in them ! Oxjr Boots abe intended fob Cabbiaqs People, you know 1 " 



FEGM THE QEEEN-RGGM. 

<< Thb Dailff Newi layB that goanp ii busy with tho reoonttniotioiL of the 
Qovemmenti and mentiona the retirement of £abl Spbncbb, and the shifting 
of Mb. Brucb to some other position, Mr. Ohildhbs succeeding him. There 
are also speculations as to some place being found for Mr. Ayrton." 

Ik regard to thii laat arrangement, there are some yenomonB 
pereonB who would goote a certain speeon by Lady Anne to Bichard^ 
Duke of Olouceeter, touching the only plaoe for wnich she oonsidered 
him fit. But this wonld be most improper. India, howeyer, is 
not too warm lor Mb. Atbtoit, as he oame thenoe^ and we own 
that, if love of his natal soil shonld prompt him to demand an 
oriental appointment, our compassion for the poor Indians and their 
oyer-tutored minds wonld not conquer the more selfish feeling with 
which we should hear the news. Eabl Spxkceb has long been 
heartilv tired of Ireland, and tlus we cannot understand, as & must 
have plenty of excitement there— Fenian plo1», Belfast riots, and an 
agrarian outrage twice a week ought to be enough for the most blaeS 
offioiaL '* Tipsy last night, and tipsy again this morning ; what 
more would you have P Do you want to be a hangel f " was the 
just remonstrance of a '*flesh-and-blood" husband to Ids grumbUnjg 
8ix>use. ' As for shifting Mb. Bbucb, we haye had our little quarrels 
with him, but he is a Valuable officiaL all the same, and we would 
rather make shift with him than shift him to make room for Mb. 
Chtldibs, for the fact that Mb. Childebs does not show off w^ in 
sudden debate is not absolutely oonyinoing proof that he would 
make a good Home Secretary. On the whole, auieta non movere, 
which was Sib Bobsbt Wai.po£B*s motto, would be an excellent one 
for Mb. Gladsiohb, in this and other matters. He is too good a 
man to play cards, we dare say, but he may take it from those who 
are not so ffoed that a hand is not strengthened by mere shuffling. 
But he understands the theatre. Let him borrow a hint from Jfr. 
Punches Cartoon, and insist that his actws shall be thoroughly " up 
in their parts,'' aid show proper req^ to their generous beneukotors, 

Out op Plagb Aiax)aBiHKE.— A Frog on a ToadstooL 



SENSE AND SOBRIEIT. 

Lr a leader on tlie recent speeches of the two Members for the 
City of Oxford thereat deliyered, the Times made the yery just 
remark that ** Mb. Yeknoit Habooubt seems to haye gained more 
applause than his sober colleague." That which seems to haye been 
the case in this instance was indeed so, and no wonder. Mb. Ybbnon 
Habooubt talked genuine, and not Ministerial, Liberalism.^ He 
insisted on ti^e point that an essential principle of Liberal policy is 
the maintenance of Dcrsonal liberty, and he declared that principle 
to haye bem yiolatea by certain excesses of paternal legislation, fit 
only. for a puerile peopled Mb. Ybbiton Habcoubt condemned the 
yexatious and reslarictiye Parks Rejarulation Act, and the more 
reetrictiye and more yexatious Licensmg Act. He therefore gained, 
as .he was well entitled to, "more applause than his sober col- 
league." The sobriety ascribed in that phrase to a Cabinet Minister 
means reticence on the subject of Liberal complicity with Teetotal 
and Sabbatarian tyranny. The epithet, sober, applied to Mb. 
Cabdwbll, is eulogistic of Mb. Ysbnon Habcoubt, and not the 
contrary. 

A GROWL FROM GRANDPAPA. 

Wish me what P Many happy New Tears P 

When my years at the most must be few I 
If one only proye happy, my dears, 

'TwiU be more than I oyer got through. 
Besides, whether they're happy or not. 

Should my last year of all be this New, 
You 'U come in for whateyer I 'ye got, 

And the sooner the better for you. 



PHILOSOPHr OF THE FUTUBE. f^'^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^ 

MoraUeU Who knows what to-morrow will hring forth P ^X 
PoMlimML The day after. ^^ 



FonUvisU The day after. 



PUNO^ OR THE LONDON OHAJMYABL-Jaotabt 11, 1873. 




A ROW IN THE GREEN-ROOM. 

Mb, A-et-k. "CHANGE THE CAST I ! HANG IT, GOV'NOR! YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO CUT ME OUT OF MY 
FAVOURITE AND HIGHLY POPULAR PART OF THE ' WALKZHG OfflTTLElIAHM^J^^^^V LV^ 



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Jantjaby 11, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



17 



OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

Ht^ as usiuU, addresses the EdUor, and writes some aecovmi of the hoUday 
fsrforfMfMts at Drury Lane, and the Olympic, 

H, Sib,— I am unable to go 
eyerjwhere at onoe: I 
oaooot be in more than 
two plaees at one and the 
aante time. I have even 
tried doing two plaoes at 
OBOe, and have failed. I 




^o^theChrift- 

piMBB into one week's 
noiioe; no, not if yon 
WON to give me two 
OQlttmui each as big as 
NaiflOK'sor the Dukb of 
Yobk'Si tp do it in. 

There are many I oan't 
go to, in time that is to be 
of a]ry''nse to the pnblio, 
and tbera are some i won't 

?i to, I am-speaking as 
ovr Bepresentatiye, t.«.. 
aa the K^ffessAtatiye of 

your known obfti 1 

mean firmnefls and de- 
oision. 

I repremrted yon. Sir 
at Bmxj Lane. Every' 
body said yon were lookinjir 
very welL But that is 
nitiher here nor there. Mb. E. L. Blaitchabp's Twenty-Third 
Gomie Annnal is entitled (for the title is no hmfen a see: 
and I am at liberty to divulM it) The Children m the Wt 
Sir, Yonr BepreeentAtire lauriied moat heartily, and ei^oyed it 
most thoroughly, l^imgr <^f the andieaee^s opmioa that, taken 
altogetiier, it WA^ tbe best thing in Pantomimea he 'd seen for 
some oonsiderabk time. Mk, Fbbbxbiok YoKB^is the Cruel Uncle, 
all legs and mou^t •! >i e . Apart from his inimitably grotesoue dancing, 
his quiet panton^in ictiniJr is something first-rate in uiis peculiar 
line. The performance of the Missbs Yictobia and BosnrA Y okbs, 
as Master William and Miss Mary, is capital throughout. They 
always play as if they thorougnly eigoyed it themaelyes, and 
though me most extravagant steps are performed by them, they 
never onoe overleap the bounds of p ropri e ty, nor even so much as 
suggest vulgarity ; and this fact, in these nothing-to-«70arisome 
days and oan-canistio times, is well worthy of note and very much 
to their credit. 

But, Sir, what a dear old pathetic tale it is. Beroite biff heads, 
despite all the fun of the fair ones, despite rum-tum-tiady-iddy 
tunes, when the poor Babes, faint and weary, lie down on Mb. 
Bsvxsley'b mossy bank to plaintively yield to hun^, and, loving 
boy and girl, to embrace for the last tune on earth in the sweetest 
and pnreet aneotion, and in each other's arms to die, I warrant you 
that Iram the topmost boy in the ffallcry above, to the oldest hdbUuS 
in tiie stalls below, all momentarily experienced a choking sensation 
in the throat, and, feeling just the slightest moistening <» the eye- 
lids, were much relieved when the old mm-tum-tidditv-idaity 
struck up, and the queer squirreLs and oomic birds came nopping 
with their pantomimic leaves to destroy the illusion. I am speak- 
ing, I know, Sir, your distinguished sentiments when 1 say that all 
who visit Old Drury will thauik Mb. Blahchabd for flavouring his 
Christmas bowl of pantomimic and burlesque merriment with just 
this one drop of the essence of the story's poetry. The pathos of the 
familiar situation is charmingly and touchingly rendered by the 
two Yokes Babies aforementioned. 

For the scenery^'* May every blessing wait on my BBVBBLBr,'my 

loved Bbv . . • bat oh t how unlike my Beveblet I "—it is not 

so briffnt as usual. The Dreamland soene» liowever, is pretty enough, 
and the tableaux illustrating old nursery rhymes and fairy stones 
are most effective. 

The oomio scenes of the Harlequinade are carried on with much 
spirit : and the two Clowns. Mxssbs. Evaks and Habvkt, have some 
good fooling. The former had better take a friendly piece of advice 
and omit the pail from his trombone perf ormanee. A nod is as good 
as a wink from Your Bepresentative in his own little stall. 

I have not yet been to the Adelphi. littie Wagg after supper 
gave us a specimen of Mb. Emmxtt, the American actor, and I 
smiled at the Emmettation. I made this joke as Your Bepresenta- 
tive. I also announced that Mb. Batbicav had become an bvingite. 
Some one said he 'd heard this before. I then asked the new Conun- 
drum, ** What part of Grammar is Bem<Hrse P" and somebody an- 
swered, **The Byn-tax;" which is, strange to say, the answer. 
This brilliant conversation decided me upon visiting, next evening, 
the Olympic Theatre. 



Wilhoui Lore li not a Christmas pieoo, thank ^foodnessl and 
thereforef at thii season^ does not cdl lor special notice. Suffice it, 
that such a piece, hoir«Ter wail played, oau never enlist the sympa- 
thies of any andietioe, whether French or EdgUah. There is in it no 
Yfrtue to rob Tice of its reward, and all the characters are morally 
bad— past hope of redemption— with the exception (as far as Your 
R^preaentatiTe oould understand the matter) oi Ffflne and Suzanne 
( wm tin g-Tu aids), and Vn'torine and Ceaile (profesnonal bride's- 
maids)/whoa6 gloves appeared to have grt^wn grey in the service. 
These were the exo^ptionaUy g^d people among the women. 
Among the men I had my donbts about toe^ virtue ox Armand the 
Coi^tfir t but asi in nuoh a state of society, it is a relief to doubt^ I 
am li'liM ! tngtvo him the benefit of it, and pronounce his guilt 
not inroven. The three other Goody-goodies were JIfMmtira Caba- 
netf Jules and Henri, who appeared for a few seconds in the last 
Act, only to be told that they were ruined men. They had been 
asked, poor fellows, to a wedding Break&st. They were the 
"Companv"; and, as the Company, they had to hear about the 
smash of the Commercial Company in which they were deeply in- 
volved. They bore it with exemplary fortitude. One smiled 
slightiy, and appeared a little bashfuL That was the effect of the 
news on him : nothing more. He was the youngest of the party, 
and I pitied him, for it seemed to me that the sudden shock had 
turned Us brain. The wdl-bred. imperturbable servants elioited 
my warmest admiration. Mb. Bionold drinks champagn^ and 
immediately dies. Whose Champaane was it f Here 's a chance 
i&r Advertising Wine Merchants I " (7^ ar/ojnr.— Beware of Inferior 
Wine. THBCHAMPAGNE which exereises nightly so fearful a 
power over Mb. Biovold of the T.B.O.. is not tbm Post-Olass 
Artwlm Sold bt,^^ &o., &c. Here would follow the name of the 
firm, who forthwith diould bring out an entirely new brand, and 
patent it as the " Vive C^uot!/ or, Bignold Beviver." Bat I 
nave said tiiat this is not a Cnristmaa pieoe, and I have to answer 
the question proposed in the bill, naiMv, JJoio I found Crusoe t 
I found him gomg on as well as oould Be expieoted, or indeed 
better. It is certainly one of the prettiest thin^ in London, in the 
way of soenery, costumes, and musio. The idea seems to have 
beoi originally a very good one, but its strength has been 
somehow allowed to evaporate in the boiling. And yet there 
are so many good thu^ in it, that the trifle, which is given at 
an honr to mat late dmers, ought to draw, and do ffood holiday 
bminesa even after holiday time. The quintette, in imitation of the 
Qiriaty style, announced as " Wash me early. Mother dear/* is de- 
servedly encored. The piece would still gain by excision: and 
Yonr Ilepresentative would unhesitatingly excide the " Not Worth 
a Battuel's StmU" refrain, and also the first line of Bobinson 
Crusm^M first son;. To his second song (where he pretends to be 
prompted by the parrot) I sav reform it altogether. In this piece, 
Mii. Crellln's imitations of popular actors— of Wbbsteb, Bttck- 
stovb, of iBViNe as Charles the First, and in I7te Bells, of Tools 
and J. Clabkb (of tiie Adelphi), are very clever, especially those of 
MxssBS. Clabxb and Tools, whidh were immediately reeos[nised, 
and acknowledged with a tribute of genuine applause. Mimicry is 
a dan^rroTiF; poT^ar for an actor to possess, but Gabbick was an 
exquiait^j mimic. 

To say that in this lightest of light pieoes there are about thirty 
or forty charming young ladies, and that among them are Miss 
Bof^E Cirr.LEir, Miss Ekma Chaxbsbs (who used to be " such an 
aiimirei^ " in the St. James's burlesque of Poll and Partner Joe), 
Mi^s BBABJurTi and others of often-photographed beauty, and to 
add to this, that the tiieatre is in every reflect the most elegantiy 
decorated, and one of the most luxuriously comfortable of all our 
smaller theatres, is but to do justice to Mb. Alfbxd Thompsok's 
tsLsU and talent, and to the discernment and liberality of the present 
Manageress, Miss Ada Cavendish, to whom for myself and as Your 
Bepresentative, I offer my best wishes for a happy new year, and 
manv of them. 

I have finished my present weejk's Theatrooinium, or review of 
Theatres ; and so. Sir, being somewhat tired, I, 
"Withayawn 
Of flhfier.fktigue, labfiding to repose," 

lay down my pen, reeline in my arm-ohair, light The Fragrant 
Soother, open my Middlemarch, and cease, pro, tern., to be 

YOUB RBPBXSOffTATIVS. 



Line upon Line. 

Mb. Punch is glad to see that one of the Railways, at least, is 
equal to the wet situation. The Great Northern preserves its fish. 
Can tickets for a day's sport be obtained at King's Cross P Would 
the Manager oblige by stating what kind of fish are to be caught, 
and give any oth^ pisoatorial hints P Here is his advertisement :— 

NOTICE TO FISHERMEN AND TRESPASSERS.— ALL PERSONS 
fiahing or trespaadng on the Gbbat NoaraBBM Railway, after thia 
notice, will he prosaoated. 



18 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Januabt 11, 1873. 




OUR THEATRICALS. 

£roum (rehearnng his pari as the ^* Vicomte de Cherisac "). " Yas, Mabie I I *ve foitdlt Loved ye. {Sobs dramaiioally,) 'Tis well 

—BUT NO MAT-TAK-R ! " 

ffotuemaid (to Cook, outside the Door). " Lauks, 'Liz*beth, ain't Master a givin* it to Missis I " 



HUMBLE PETITION TO HELPS. 

Sjb Abthub Helps is yeiy omeL He has beensaTing tkatif a 
Bnperior being were to aak mm whether he would rid the world of 
Inaccnrao^ or of Lying, he would lay, " Let us get rid of Inaocu- 
racy." liow Snt Abthus goes into and adorns not only high, but 

good society,' and we ask mm, plaintiyelv, what Society, whioo loves 
im, has done to him that he would jrednce it to the dead level of 
aocuraoy in its speech. We don't lie, exaotlv, and when True 
Thomas wanted to decline the tongue that could not lie because it 
would unfit him for ladies* society, he was a rude old Thokas. But 
all the charm of conversation would vaniah if Imagination did not 
wait on Assertion^ and Ignorance on both, and Cheek on all three. 
The most frightful story in our whole literature is that of the 
Accurate CkSd and the Astounded Visitor (Ms. Baslow may know 
it) wherein is truth, and the infant, aged seven, was Ck)LERii)QE*8. 
** My Papa has left the house, seven, or perhaps nine minutes, and 
he stated that he was |[oing to <»11 on our friend^ Mb. Jokes. 
Unless he have varied his intention, you will, by following him, find 
him at Mb. Joites's house. I cannot precisely inform you of the 
number, but as there are only two houses in the tenrace, if you fail 
to detect him on inquiring at one, you will certainly discover him on 
application at the other.^' *' Sm Abthxtb, your slave," as Dean 
Swot says, but please let us talk as inaccurately as we like. It 
will be all the same one hundred, or say for most of .us, forty years 



Heterodox Intelligence. 

Soke French papers have announced the death of M. FiLix 
ABCHDcins PoucHET, describing him as " the celebrated writer on 
spontaneous generation." This, says the PaU MaU Oazette, is not 
so. "His JMm, Georges Poi7chet, now about thirty-five, was the 
author of Heterogenesis,** This statement has greatly puzzled 
** Ignoramus," who writes to say that he should have thought that 
Heterogenesis had been written by Bishop Coleeso. 



NOTE FROM LORD BYRON. 

Deab Mb. Punch, 

Mt line, ** Thou dashest him," &c., seems, like Charles 
Surface^ to give a great many worthy men cause for uneasiness^ 
One of them suggests that it ended, ** There let him Pray." Sir, if 
I had used that word seriously, I should have been a hypocrite, and 
if ironically, it would have been vulgar profanity in presence ox the 
awful Ocean. What I wrote was 

** Thew let him Bray." 

I wonder that this did not, for various reasons, occur to my 
** amender." Tours truly, 

Elysium. The Ghost of Btboit. 

Funny. 

Who will explain this paragraph ?^ 

"HONG KONG, I>KJ.:31. 

" Mb. Wadb has reprimanded the Britiah ConBol at Ningpo, who, with 
hie American colleague, had brought the diaturbance at Hangohow to an end. 
The American Minister has thanked the latter gentleman." 

A British Consul and an American join to put down a disturbance^ 
and put it down. The British Consul gets reprimanded by his 
Minister ; the American Consul gets thanked by nis. 

Which course is likeliest ** Encourager les au^re*,"— and in which 
direction, — to put down oisturbances, or to stand by and let them 
blaze? 

T017J0UBS HATHAK. 

Thebe was a certain King, when, according to the venerable jest, 
the Jews were like old Bdlton (for they grew mitier and mitier in 
the days of Moredecay) and this King waxed very angry at hearing 
so much about one Ha-hait. We sympathise with that King, and 
pray our kind contemporaries to consider our feelings. 



le 



January 11, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



19 




EASILY ACCOUNTED FOR. 

Pal&r. "Ernest, a Word. You were in Turns deplorably Dull and 
vuLOARLT Flippant at Dinner last Night. My dear Boy, you Grieved 

ME* Surely you had not been Taring — no, you could not be so How 

WAS it ? " 

FiM.viA. **Mt dear Father, it shall never happen again. I am heartilt 
Sorry. Drinking ?— No. The Fact is, I had Looked in here, and the 

ONLY Paper disengaged —it always is— was the 5 f Review, I Read 

too much of it. I am quite Ashamed.'* \TKey thnkb hamis^ andexeuni. 



MONEY-MAEKET AND CITY IDYL. 

Thb JamiAiT Divideiida 

Will now be sliortlv paid. 
His money to the State wholIendB 

To lose u nought afraid. 
But 0, how rerj small the rent. 

Though oertain it may be, 
Whereol the Fundholder, Mr eent., 

Beoeiyes no more than three I 

So little were enough to make 

That man. Bank Stook who owns, 
Go sell it out, and, wide-awake, 

Invest in Turkish loans ; 
Of six pef oent. because thereby 

May dividends be had. 
But ah, where interestlis high, 

Security is bad ! 

Suppose that into Joint-Stook Shares 

My capital I cast. 
How stand the Company's affairs? 

How lonir will sunshine last ? 
Ck>ncems of highest name oft fall. 

Then cash is worse than fled. 
Each beinff liable for all. 

Unless tney 're limitea. 

At present Gas is paying well, 

But there 's an awful doubt-— 
How soon may be, ah, who can tell, 

New source of light found out ? 
When I should bray an' 'twere an ass, 

Demented by the moon, 
Beholding all my worth in gas 

Gollapee like burst balloon*. 

Te Banks, ye Railways, and ye Mines, 

Ye SpeoDiations alL 
I watdi your fluctuating signa, 

Your prices' rise and lalL 
0, would that I had dairvoyanoe 

To |)enetrate the veil ; 
See wnich of you defies miiohauce. 

And which of you will f aiL 

Sons ai#, among e'en men on HUhaage, 

7^10 credit Spirits' knocks. 
lie out of their familiars' range 

The secrets of the Stocks P 
Alas, no Medium can be found 

MoBgvt all of the possessed. 
To say whai are and are not sound. 

And gvide m» to invest I 



PUNCH'S NEW YEAR'S PRESENTS. 

On Wednesday last week, being the First of January, Mr. Punch 
distributed a number of New Year's GKfts to meritorious and distin- 
guished Personages. He sent to— 

Me. Gladbtons— a file of the Morning Advertiser, 

The Lord Chancellor— A Portrait of his predeceMor, Loin 
Eldon. 

The Chancellor of the ExcHsauEB— The first half ol a . Bank 
of Elegance Note, conscience-money. 

The Attobkey-Geneilal— Various photographs of Castro, 

Mb. Atbton— a handsomely bound edition of Lord ChesterJMd^i 
Letters to hie Son. 

Mb. Goschxn— a rope's end. 

Mb. Fobsisb (in reoognition of his educational services]— A Cane. 

Mb. Bbucb— a Cushion for his Official Chair. 

Sib Wilfrid Lawson— A Punchbowl and Ladle. * 

The Rev. Mb. Dawson Bubns— A Pewter Pot, and a bottle of 
Pick-me-up, 

Professor Huxley— Xati^'» Serums Call to the Unconverted. 

Mb. Dabwin— a Pocket Paradise Lost. 

Pbofessob Tyndall— JJerr^y'* Meditations. 

Abchbishop Manning— Dean Swift's Tale of a Tvh. 

Mb. Whalley— TAc Garden of the SouL 

Mb. Spubgeon— a Rosary. 



Motto fob the Grecian.— " When Greek meets Greek," then 
they go to the Grecian. 



SOHOOL. 

(To he sung during the remainder of the hoUdai/s.) 

Unless for a spooney, a dimoe, and a fool, 
Howe'er we may grumble, there 's no place like School. 
The games and i& larks that a fellow has there, 
Thiougk all the vacati<m are wanting elsewhere. 
Sonool, School, sweet, sweet School I 
Wheicrver I wander, there 's no place like SchooL 

In study and leanumg I take such delight- 
Could always be at it from morning to night : 
Though holiday tasks to perform 'tu my rule. 
For downright hard ** swotting " there 's no place like School, 

School, School, sweet, sweet School I 

For downright hard '* swotting" there's no place like Sohool. 



Festive Fancies. 



Thx ele^ce and taste conspicuous in the decorations which the 
raw materials of Christmas fare were this year as usual embellished 
withal, must have commanded the admiration of all observers. But 
another time, perhaps, the Cbocers will give their Australian meat 
tins their merit-Himaments of gay rosettes. The turkeys, trimmed 
with bows of pink and azure, looked, as young ladies generally 
remarked, ** sweetly pretty." It is said that an eccentric poulterer 
once, when a public mourning occurred about Christmas time, 
decked out his turkeys with black ribbon. \^3 VJ ^^^ L^ 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVABI. 



[Januabt 11, 1873. 



DAEWIN'S MYSTEEY OP MUSIC. 

Ms. PUKCH, 

Whxv next joa see the fllnstrioiu author of The JBxpressum 
of the JEmotions in Men and AnimaU^ will you, if you pleaae, aik 
that distingiuahed Natnralist if he himaelf has ever, in hia own 
penon, ezperienoed 



a certain senBation 
whieh he offera to 
explain, namely, 
*' the thrill or.Blight 
shiyer which nuu 
down the haokhone 
and limhe of many 
penons when the^ 
are powerfully af- 
feoted hy mniic." 
The persons wont 
to experience that 
sensation, and ao- 
qnainted with the 
I>arwinian hypo- 
thesis of Man's pe- 
digree, are, some of 
thim, enrions to 
learn whether * its 

Sojector is, as to 
s mnsioal sensi- 
bilities, one of 
themselyes. 

Perhaps, Sir, you 
would therefore 
have the kindness 
to ascertain for ns 
if the thrilling 
effect of mnsic, 
which Mb. Dabwdt 
refers to, is a fact of 
his own consdous- 
ness. or one which 
he has only heen 
informed of hy 
others. Few, per- 
haps, if any of those 
others, are folly 
prepared to accept 
thetheorysnggestid 
by him to account 
for this mysterious 
feeling m the 
observation that 
" music has a won- 
derful power of re- 
calling, in a yague 
and indefinite man- 
ner, those strong 
emotions which 
were felt during 
long past ages, 
when, as is proh- 
able, our early iwo- 
genitors courted 
each other hy the 
aid of yocal tones." 

If anv truth is 
embodied in this 
suggestion, would 
not eyery one sus- 
ceptible of musical 
influence haye al- 
ways found themost 
powerfullythrilling 
music to DC that of 
loye-operas like the 
Sonnamhulai and 
the other chief 
works of modem 
Italian composers, 
such as Bellini 
and DoinzBTTi P 
Eh, Mr. Punch f 
Would not the frame of such an one ' be made to thrill, and 
his flesh to creep, by those saccharine strains rather than by the 
choruses of lerael in Egypt, the Dead March in Satd^ the funereal 
moyement in BsBiHoysN's Sinfonia JEraica, the supernatural 
suggestiojis in Mozabt^b Requiem^ and the weird harmonies and 




-'^.^S^tT^ 



TirenM (Brieklayer'.s Lahourer, aeeUmatieed, to Paddy [just] from Cork), «* Sell tee Pig 
an* fournichuke. an' come over wid biddy to this blissed cottntry. i get t ree 
an' T ripence a Day for Carrin' Bricks up a Ladder, an', be Jabers, there s a 

POOR DiVIL UP AT THE TOP DOIN' ALL THE WORK FOR ME ! I " 



discords of Der Freisehutz f Would not La ci darem^ Batti^ hatU^ 
and Vedrai carina in Don Giovanni^ for example, usually thrill the 
sensitiye hearer yery much ratiier than he is thrilled by the 
tremendous opening of the oyerture of that Opera, and the awful 
music announcing the Statue f If the thrill struck by music be 
traceable tb an amatory origin, would not My Pretty Jane be 

a piece of music 
considerably more 
thrilling thia King 
Deathf 

If. on tilie other 
hand, music of the 
grim andunearthly. 
or the holy ana 
heayenlTf scnrt, is 
that which gene- 
rally proyes the 
most thrilling, and 
Mb. Daxwot's spe- 
culation as to the 
origin of the yibra- 
tions imparted by 
music to us issouno, 
th«i must the sub- 
limest effects in 
the compositions of 
BvBkgriiJX Bach, 
Havdbl, Mozabt. 
Besihoybv, ana 
WsBiR, be musical 
deyelopments of the 
Bqueaks,sqna11s,and 
grunts, and growls, 
in which our an- 
cestral apes, or 
other brutes, used 
to woOf instead of 
expressmg them- 
selyes in '* yocal 
tones" of aqutlity 
softer, and **more 
condoling." as Bot' 
torn hath it. 

To the majority 
of persons endowed 
with an ear through 
which it is possible 
for music to touch 
their higher senti- 
ments, do you think. 
Sir, that Mb. Dab- 
win's conjecture aa 
to the cause of its 
operation through 
the human mind on 
the human body, 
will indicate that 
he himself has any 
the least pro^rtien 
of "music in his 
soul"P Don't you 
fancy that, in their 
eyes, it will rather 
betray an entire in- 
ability to diseem 
any difference in 
import, if in tune, 
between Dr. Mar- 
tin Luther's Hymn 
and AUce Orayt 
Should you not, 
yourself, indeed, 
be yery much sur- 
prised to hear that 
our great Genealo- 

fist was capable of 
istinguishmg the 
National Anthem 
from The Detfil 

_^____^— ^— ^^"'^f*^ *^ TaUore t 

———— j^ a matter of fact, 

Mb. DABWcrmaT be an excellent amateur performer on the yiolin, 
and as good a niusician, as w^ as fiddler, as Hebb Joachik. 
In that case, his way of accounting for the mystery of music can 
only be regarded as the crotchet of a musical genius to account for 
a quayer. Your Seryant, Sir, Adagio. 



^'^'S^ 



'A CONTINTED MIND." 



MMMkr'< 



MtMtfte 



:z&'?SS!vSl!?i&SSS&5X'»£sar»SB5ka^?^ 



Janvabt 18, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAWVARL 



21 




''SMALL MERCIES." 

Young Larksper, ** Hullo, Grummles, how arb Yout "What's the mattebI 

I BEAR YOU 'VB HAD A LEGACY LEFT YOU I My DEAR FbLLOW, I CONORAT ^* 

OrumniUs {dismally : he never could look at the bright side of things), " O, but a 
Fellow can't expect more than One in his Lifetime, and this is only 
Ten Pounds, and the Estate 's in Chancery 11*' [TJiey liquor up despondently. 



SCIENCE AND SUPEESTITION. 
(A Duet.) 

ScmrcB said to 8apentitioii« 
** Oat on you and all your fodLi» 

Jiurglery alii impodtioiL, 
Sarging tables, ohain, and stoolB ; 

" Medinma floated to the ceiling, 
Skyward, as ascends the lark ; 

Spirit Yoioee heard, and feeliog 
Spirit-flngers in the dark ! 

" All thii nonsense you, belieTing, 
All this hmnbnff , bosh, and fudge ; 

Gk> along, yon self-deceiying 
Fools, and idiots hoaxed by * Sludge ' I " 

Soperstition answered Science : 
** Ton 're another I Talk of me 

Setting reason at defiance P 
Talk of my credulity ? 

'* If my bright imagination 
People space with airy shapes. 

What of your dull brains* creation. 
Hairier forms ; ancestral apes ? 

'* To the monad every being 
You that trace, including Man, 

More believe in without seeing ; 
Swallow more than all I can. 

" You at my belief 8 a scoffer I . 

Of your own conjectures, you 
Nut one fact in proof can offer : 

Would have millions, were tney true. 

'* 0, but all your speculations 
Rest, assumptions though immsnae, 

On materialist foundations 
Now so dear to common sense t 

** Cease my cackle P Hold your brajiog ! 

You orawL I, at least, aspire. 
If amone the clouds I 'm straying. 

You, Miss, flounder in the mire." 



Av Educatioital IirsiBncBNT. — The Grinding 
Organ. 



" PEESONAL STATISTICS/' 

Ths oldest Beadle is Bbitjamik Bbagoitt, of the parish of St. 
Simeon Skylites, aged eighty-two ; the youngest, Thomas Towdsbbt, 
of the Worshipful Company of Leather Breeohei Makers, aged 
thirty-nine. 

The oldest Town Crier is SiEPHXir Sientsston, of tiie Borough of 
Wraxeter, aged ninety-six ; the youngest, Babebi Shout Lowdeb, 
of the town of Ebbingsfield, aged twenty-four. 

The oldest Crossmff-sweeper is James CniYiirs, at the comer of 
Granville Place, aged seventy-three ; the youngest, Tom Ptbwipe, 
in Throckmorton Square, aged nine. 

The oldest member of tiie Swell Mob is Geoboe Fogle, aUas 
Algebnon Habbinoton Habcoubt Moktgomxby, alias *' Gobobous 
Geobge," aged fifty; the youngest, Charles PBiGGiNSOir, aUas 
*' Kiddy Swipes," aged sixteen. 

The oldest Sheriff's Officer is Mosby Cboole, aged sixty-six ; the 
youngest, Dabbt Whttegboss, aged twenty-three. 

The oldest Charwoman is Mbs. Juglbtt, aged seventy-one ; the 
youngest, Mbs. Piminey, aged twenty-nine. 

The oldest Maid is Miss Babbaba Ani^ Pbimtlower, aged 
ninety-four ; the youngest. Miss Leila Lauba Chitwood, aged two 
minutes and a half. 

The oldest Bore is Snt Windham Yabhley, aged seventy-six ; 
theyounffest, Mb. Solomon Damper, aged thirty-one. 

The oldest Yeterinarv Surgeon is Mr. Matthew Hewbank, aged 
eighty ; the youngest, Mr. Claitebfobth HoBaMOBE, aged twenty- 
two. 

The oldest Huntsman is Tom Bossmobb, of the Runnymead 
Hounds, aged seventy-nine; the youngest Whipper-in, Habry 
YuLPS, of the Reynardson, aced twenty-three. 

The oldest Judge of Port Wine is General Sir Alexander Field 



Marshall, G.C.B., aged eighty-eight; the youngest. Major De 
Crbsgiegcourt, aged thirty-six. 

The oldest Whist-Player is Admiral Lord Norman, aged eighty- 
three; the youngest, Lieutenaht Caveedish D'Hoyly, aged 
twen^-one. 

The oldest Yestryman is Abbaham Jawswobth. Esq., aged 
nine^ ; the youngest^ Gustayus Tiddiman, Esq., acea thirty. 

The oldest Woman is— No ! Politeness forbids I Besides, we have 
so many " old women," that it is almost impossible te settle the 
question of precedence. 



CHEMISTRY AND CRIME. 



Jnsistikg on the propriety of putting ferocious murderers to death 
rather than eoing to the expense of keeping them in prison. *' R.," 
the writer of a letter, on ** The Sacredness of Haman life,'' in the 
Pall Mall Gazette^ offers a suggestion which, if put in practice, 
would combine economy with gentleness : — 

'* If we are too iqueaniish to han^, let pnmio add or chloroform be called 
in aid imtil inch time as we shall disoorer the blessed secret whereby we may 
instantly * yeil ' sooh people out of the world." 

Certainlv, it may be said that in cases, wherein the reformation of 
criminals is hopeless, the cheapest ana best way next to it with 
them would be their chloroformation. For the halter, chloroform, 
as Humanity must aUow, axuL the lower orders of East London 
generally may be conceived to say, would be a good haltemative. 



8UGGB8II0K FOR A PAHTOMDCE. 
Scbnb— ^ Street in Aneitnt Seme, with Inscription over J>oor'-_j 
"M. T. CiciRO's Offichb." Enter ( 

Chum. Hiesumwi, 






VOT., T.XTV. 



22 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Januabt 18, 1873. 



WONDROUS BEER. 




Bimra from Paris, 
the Correspondent 
of a readat^le con* 
temporary states 
that:— 

«<A good deal of 
eontroreny has been 
going on respeoting 
' the water of Lmrdes. 
A oommoQ marc hand 
de liqueurs attempted 
to Bell it in b»ttle« 
with his other wueii, 
^^ whereupon the BiA HOP 
OF Tabbbs interfered, 
and oondemned the 
publican in a pasto- 
ral." 



Foolish Bung I 
Why did he incur 
^ episcopal oansure, 
by the 0{>en sale of 
spiritual in common 
with spirituous 
liquor ? He might 
have sold it under 
a disguise with im- 
piULity» at a great 
profit. He might 
nave used it to 
water his brandy, 
with. Or, if soru 



pulotis, he might haye disiMHMsd of his Lonrdes water in a genuine way, thnngh brewing beer with* it. 
If it containi anything modioinal, it would then perhaps, more or leas, hAve approached to the quality 



of Stogiimber ale. Ko reasonable 
person can doubt that any miraculous 
properties it may possess it would 
haye exerted, with at least undi- 
minished strength, in the form of 
malt liquor. Miraculous water 
would j^erhaps have been found to 
make miraculous beer. Ale made of 
LfOurdes water might haye proved to 
be a beer that nobody ever got the 
worse for by drinking, but everyone 
always the better, and the brewer 
and vendor of it might have made 
his fortune by supplying the public 
with the desideratum of beer which, 
whilst remarkable for its cordial 
effdct, was not an intoxicating fluid. 



A sciKNTiFio Musician* named 
ScDLET Tatlob, A.M., who is quoted 
by our dear aad nisportive old 
friend, the MubukU World, has laid 
down some *^ Acoustical proposi- 
tions." We have no doubt of his 
learning, but we utterly deny lus 
very first allegation. He says i-^ 

** Sound oan pass tiipough solid, liquid, 
and gaseous bodies, but not through a 
yaouum.*' 

We have, unhappily, heard too 
many delightful songs delivered by 
men and women with perfectly 
empty heads, to admit this for one 
moment. 



QUE RBPBESENTATIVE MAN. 

He addresses the Editor otmceming the Renovations in the Spectacle at 
Coveni 04irsUn, the Qreeian Fantotnime^ and that at the Crystal 
Palace, 

Three more ChristmM pieoM. At Covent Garden Babil and B^'ou 
has been renoyated. It soaroely wanted it, aa the main-** Spring 
Chorus " of the piece waa as rood as ever. In this wretched weather 
I am personally obliged to Mb. RrvitEB for having put Spring, 
Spring, Gentle Spring, into the mouths of all the errand-boys, 
walking butchers, pedestrian bakers, tinkers, tailors, whistling 
sailors, and all such as have time for a tune, while trudging through 
the dirty streets, and o'er the flooded gutters. ''Spring, Spring, 
gentle Spring I " that's aU I know of it, and I come to grief in the 
second line. ^ I have met a parrot and a bullfinch that do precisely 
the same thing. My friends stop me when I begin, or exeunt, 
frowning. I nope to have the first eight bars of the air perfect by 
the time I call upon You, Sir, in your study ; but, as Your Biepresen- 
tative, I am not a good hand, or, I should say, ear, at catching 
anything. Yaeoinate me, however, with a taking tune, such as this 
present popolar melody, and I'm a pleasant oompanion. Now 
then, what 's the next article P 

As for the novelties in the ballet department, there is M. 
EspiiroaA, who makes quite a Tee-to-tum of himself as a Dancing 
Dervish, and Madakk Espinosa, with some dancing ladies, as 
**Tartares." Good name for a ballet, by the way, The Teetotum 
and the Fair Tartar* But quite alone comes Hbiteibtie d*Ob, the 
most graoef ul, the most refined danseuse since the days of lengthy 
book-muslin skirts. Even when she is representing a Bacohcuite, 
there is nothing sensoal or gross in her impersonation. Hers is not 
the dance in which wild orgies culminate, but it is that of the 
Piiestess of Bacchus rejoicing in the gift of the Yine to men. Were 
all desoriptiye dancing like this of Hekbiette d*Ob, the Gt>lden Age 
of the ballet would have returned. The special artist, M. GoLLODioif, 
is clever, but he only executes two caricatures, and before he begins 
he writes above them for whom they are intended, which is com- 
plimentary nether to his own talent nor to the intelligence of the 
5uhlic. Mi0s BA.&BY does more than look the Amazonian Frince 
''ortinbrasse : she acts it. Many of the dresses and some of the 
music is new, and, taken altogether, the brilliant spectacle of BabU 
and Bijou is, as yet, naaarpa£»ed by anything of the kind in London, 
or out of it. 

True to my Christmas duties. I represented You, Sir, at the 
Grecian, and wondered much at the Speaking Head of Mr. Nobody, 
which walks and talks (bother CHARLBei the First, he's always 
cropping np now-a-days I) in the second scene of Nix, which is the 
name of the Pantomime* This is the novel feature of the perform- 



ance, as the CoNaxTESTS, pere et file, do as many astounding jumps, 
hops, skips, and tumbles as of old, and in the Incantation Scene a 
LuLU-like bound is repeated every two minutes. The perpetual 
question is, '* Where are they now r " And the answer comes, ** AU 
oyer the place." So the spicialitS of the Grecian is as heretofore, and 
the theatre is so densely crowded that on Saturday nights the people 
walk on one another's heads, until they drop in somewhere, when 
the3r ait how they can, and see aa much as they can with half an eye ; 
for in these compact bodies you may be firmly wedged in sideways, 
and unable to use more than one eye, and that only with a dangerous 
wrench. West-end Managers have sung in their Eastern brother's 
ear, " To the West, to the West ! " but the Bounding Brother of the 
Eastern Boundary does not, very wisely, care to give up the trapezes 
on which he has to fly, for others which he knows not of. 

After all. Sir, the holiday place for the million is Mister Crystal 
Palace.^ Better than the Theatres, because, including a theatrical 
entertainment, it gives you and yours—** and yours^^ being in the 
Christmas holidays the important point— a first-rate Pantomime, 
full of funny business worked into, and got out of, a story that all 
know something about, though for detail they must consult the 
C. P. Pantomime, namely. Jack and Jill, Then there is a trans- 
formation scene, which is probably unequalled in London at the 
present time, which is saying a good deal, but not too much. The 
Arabs, too, have left their tribes and tents in the desert for 
London lodginn and tent bedsteads, in order to show an apprecia- 
tive public at the Crystal Palace what are their habits and n^anners 
when at home on their own native sand. They pile themselves one 
on the top of the other as if the highest up aloft was going to inspect 
the roof of the Crystal Palace, to see if anv repairs might be neces- 
sary. Fingers were made before forks, and lads before ladders ; the 
use of which is entirely superseded hj these Beni Zoug-Zoug Arabs, 
who, without any mechanical appliance, could send one of their 
younff men, or even their ** Yenerable Chief " himself, mounted on 
the shoulders of several other Beni Zouar-Zougs, up to the attic 
window of a Belgravian mansion. Your Representative, Sir, hit at 
once, when he saw the performance of the Zoug-Zougs, on the 
enormous trade which the Oriental Forty Thieves must have driven 
in housebreaking. Nothing more simple. The celebrated troupe of 
Forty (always under the guidance of their ** Venerable Chief") 
enter tine streets of Bagdad, for example : they make their ladder 
of men, the fortieth steps from the thirty-ninth's shoulders on to 
the roof of Caliph Haroitn's palace, and through the trap-door he 
descends into the sumptuous rooms below. The thirty-niiie in the 
street attract the attention of the household bjr their performances 
until Number Forty has finished his little business, when up goes 
the human ladder again, down comes the fortieth thief with his 
pockets full, when, breaking the ladder up into its li^n^ compo- 
nent parts, away they scamper to the trackless desert. They are 



January 18, 1873J 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAMVARL 



23 



manrelloiLB fellows. It would be a bad speoalation on the part of 
the College of Surgeons to pay them so much down to insure the 
possession of their skeletons mfuturo. Why, they haven't got any 
Dones, or, if they have, they must be sopple as whalebone. Then 
siim this nght there 's the Aguarinm. To see the Crabs in solemn 
oonolaye, like a party of old fogies, who know each other^s stories by 
heart, seated round a table on a Club-night, is in itself as refreshing 
as a good scene in a comedy. Then to see £ing Octopus is a panto- 
mime, with Cod for Clown, Shrimps for Sprites, and Mackerel for the 
Silver Fairies ; and there 's Captain Cuttle (ot whom, when found, 
make a note), to serve as a farce to wind up the entertohiment. 

Now, Sir, with the exception of the Polytechnic, where You would 
like to be represented in the Diving Bell, I think I 've given a rq^ort 
of things specially Christmassv, and have direoted the attention of 
Parents and Guardians, and holiday-makers and holiday -takers 
generally, to the spectacles of Covent Garden and the AlhambriL the 
Extravaganzic Tnfle at the Olympic, the Pantomimes at Drory Lane 
and the Grecian ; and last, but not in any sense least, the Crystal 
Palace, with its varied amusements. I am aweary, I own it. I 
would lay down my pen and sleep— if I could. But the brain, acted 
upon by pantomimio fancies, is over-exoked, and will notbe soothed.^ 
Morpheus! unaided by Mk Davibl HoiA, I iovcdte thee! The 
Drowsy God appears before me. He stretehes forth his hand towards 
me, as I recline in my old arm-chair where my forelatiiws sat. H» 
holds out a papet. '^ Tolie ! lege ! " says the Phantom. '* One line 
will induee the smmdest slumber." I take it. It is the Saturday 
Itemew. I read . . . half a sentence ... the charm works • • • 

Good . . . nii^ . . . aU 'swell . • • with 

YouB Bbpbsssntativx. 



WOMAN AT THE WHEEL. 

HE PaU'MaU Oaaette 
points out that Tuesday 
last week, the iQx of 
January, was what used 
to be called " St. DistaTs 
Day," when " our ances- 
tresses were in the habit 
of resuming their spin- 
ning operations after the 
Christmas holidays." Oar 
judicious contemporary, 
having truly remarked 
that '' the distaff, spindle, 
and si^nning-wl]^ have 
low since disappeared, 
and woman is ei^aged in 
far more sublime occupa- 
tions than spinning flax," 
suggests, with manifest 
reason, m so far as the 
strong-minded declaimers 
of the female platform 
are concerned, that the 
practice of spinning 
might be advantai^ously 
resumed. In spinning, 
however. Woman would, 
now-a-days, bcr opposed 
by a competitor that 
would render it un- 
profitable. Steam has 
superseded Woman. The 
spinster would find herself cut out by the spinning-jenny. But what 
then P St. Distaff^s euU%u might very well be revived, mtUaids mu- 
tandis. The Sewinff-MaoMne, among the wiser tort of wemen, has 
replaced the distaffl The 7th of January might^n future, be observed 
as the day of St. Sewing Machine, or St Blias Howe's Day, in honour 
of that engine's inventor and the United States. - Or the day might 
be dedicated to one of its improvements, or iminrovers ; St. Agenoria» 
St. Singer, or St. Wanzer the Less. If starong-minded women wotda 
transfer their feet from the stump to the sewing-machine, they 
would turn them from the error of their ways, and at the same time 
emplojr their hands in occupation exclusive of the misemployment 
which is apt to be found, for hands otherwise unoccupied, by some- 
body mentioned in a poem by Ds. Waitb. 

■ ■ ' - ' - ' ■■ 

l^>6Culalion and Sanakrit. 

Thx new translation of an ancient work which Provbssob Max 
MOllbb is bringing out eomtitutes a theme of interest in commercial 
circles. Gentlemen on the Stock Exohanire, especially, are anxious 
to know whether acquaintance with the JRijLVeda hymns will help 
anybody to rig the market. 




Charles %m gapkim ^^xdt, 

EX-EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH. 



BORN AT TBB TUILERIBS, APRIL SO, 1806. DtfiD AT CHISLBHURST, 
JANUARY 9, Vm. 



** The Ekferor died thirmmliifr-half-past ten." 
So runs the tidings, writ^up, ^wt and nmidy 

On mud-splashed windows of each dusty dan, 
imiere, daily, the dayNs newsftrirai shape^atid sMind. 

And the umMtiag tide of life, that flows 
Through London's avtoiis, 'twistt heart and Imdn, 

Stays to take in, then on^^to^^Mand goes. 
Nor settles, strai^it, to^efsn poise affsio. 

Sews, this, of th»dBip'-9me»^flli(t ipgiiui to-ifllj-^ 
lAghtest of heaft or-gwwHi ■ thwwj' i»Uo earOy 

And know least oftlM'iiwU'ii^dlsewIJi^ &11, 
Or, keenest, baifc'tttBigwiss,*4ar, 



News, wliMe dull Ml ttEemtgh Sfan^daric pool wi& tttffe 

The pulastf of an ^fn^^iNimiiiirnifait, 
That cease ii0t^ tin<lMrtmaLi:ti»itolh«t •verge 

Beach»d>by i M Mi^s i M sswgt oa<<iia liglitning's wbir- 

It was no«eovinan.lifb<1iiiapw«e(nda'ffil 
TheHsomthtcfi'Btmipe: tirao smnttum death. 

Kings, 8«ats«iMii, NatikNtt, wlt^ saA shook to^thvlll. 
As mely greets surcease of exile*»4»eaitii. 

Already scores of ready penmen draft 
Of his life's course to power their burd's-eye yiewv 

Through poTerty, and peijury, aad cmft. 
And redder stains that the blurred track imbrae. 

Let whoso will count of his faults the cost, 

And point a moral in his saddened end ; 
This is the thought in England uppermost— 

He, who has died among us, lited our friend. 

If sinneMi may by suffBring, too, be shriten, 
"What penance those last yettrs had to sustain'! 

The sting of fall and failure deeper driven 
By the dull stroke of slow aad sle^kss pain. 

Who that has judged him hanOilieiit but has lotttid 
Comfort in thinking love was there to tend 

The exile's eve, and cheer home's naitow bound^ 
That wife and son wsMirUh Urn t» iihe end. 

The time to weigh him fairly is not now ; 

Nor are the true weights any France can bring : 
That sprang to fix the crown upon Us brow. 

And her own neck beneath his f est to fling. 

Heayily both have answered for their sin : 

Nor did the Smtbbob heavier faU tindo. 
Than Fraaoe, tiiat backed him still wlrile be eould Win, 

Nor tutmed against him tiH the luck turned too. 



But now 'tb Eogland, and not Fsaaee, thatatands 

Silent beside an exile's dying bed. 
Mindful of kindness rendered by his hands. 

Sorrowing with those that sorrow for the dead 



•oogk 




NOT TO BE BEATEN. 

ifr». Brown (whose Daughter has just heen per forming admirahly on the Piano-Forte), " Do toxtr Daughters Play, Mrs. Jones ? *' 
Mrs. Jones (whose four Daughters have only been listening), ** No," Mrs. Brown. " Sing ? " ' Mrs. Jones. •* No." 

Mrs. Brown. "Paint in Water-Colours P " Mrs. Jones. "No. We go in for BeauttI** 



VBENON HARCOURT AND TERACITT. 

Mb. YmuiOK Habcoubt, in some of Mi late speeelie&, haa placed 
himBelf in striking oontraat with most of the other leadings politi- 
oians, both Liberal and Conservative, by speaking the trutli. For 
example, at the Dnuda* Dinner, the omer day, in diBcuBsin^ the 
impost by which the incomes of a part of the xieople are taxed t^ paf 
the expenses of the whole, instead of attempting to defend canfi^Da- 
ti<m with sophistry, and to stifle complaint with aneerSf he condemned 
the false and dishonest apology, alleged bjr £nanmal s^mdlerB^ 
advocates on behalf of the Income-tax^ that it weighs only on the 
rich who are well able to pay it, and he maintained thatf on the 
ccmtrary, it faUs *' with the greatest Beyerity on tha poorest of all 
the classes of the commnnity— that whiob, upon limited means and 
small profits, has to keep np a state of respectability/' The lie 
which Mb. Yebkoit Habcoxtbt lefated is one of those lies which 
Statesmen are very apt to tell in talking' to Bimpletons i lies eonpled 
with truths, from which the generality of people at publie meetings 
have not sense enough to disentangle them. It is qaito true that 
the rich are well able to pay the Ineome-tax - but to aaj that the 
Inc(mie-tax weighs only on them is telHng a faJseliood which tran- 
scends common lyin^. The rich, ai a rnle, can aflard to live i2p to 
their incomes, and it matters nothing to wealthy people whetrier 
their incomes are taxed, or duties are imposed upon the luxuries on 
which they expend them* The class rightly described by Ma. Hah- 
OOVBT as the poorest of the country, consists of persons nnder the 
necessi^ of living as much within their incomes as possible. They 
need to make all the provision that eyer they can against min con- 
stantly 8tarinc[ them in the face. The Income-tsjc, ^abatituted for 
indirect taxation, wrings from them the savin gi they ought to put 
by« and, by way of oompensation, ofers them the advantage of hay- 
ing cheapened superfluities, which, how cheap soever, are too dear 
for them at any price. Thus are their slender incomes in large 
measure confiscated by the Chakcellob of the ExciiEarfiE, and 
amends are made them with facilities to squuEider the rest. « 



^ WISDOM ON THE WpATHER. 

Oleaelt« certain proverbs should be altered acoordiof to tilie 
weather. This may seem at first a startling propositioni^ l^i^t con- 
sider it a moment and you will see there is some sense in }^ Look, 
for instance, at the proverb, " There is nothing new under the sun.'' 
Surely, in weather like the present, when the sun is never seen, 
nobody would dream of usinff such a proverb. In order to be appli- 
cable to this damp and dismal time, it should be altered to ** There 's 
nothing new under one's umbrella." Or take the common saying 
that ^' Every man should lay bv something for a rainy day." In 
weather like the present, when the days are always rainy, a proverb 
such as this becomes exceedingly perplexing. In fine weather a 
man may liily lay by something ; say, for instance, his umbrella. 
But in days of constuit delu^ he cannot well do this, without the 
certainty, at any rate, of netting a good ducking. The only proverb 
wholly suited to the weather of thu winter is the saying that ** It 
never rains but it i^urs : " the truth whereof, for .the last four 
months, lias been copiously manifest. 



Our OonceMion to Borne. 



" Ms Holmsn has lately delirered sn address in which he compared hioi- 

self td Tono."^i2oman N$ws. 

Dbab Father, we love you. but surely 'twas no bit 
f luck, that suggestion oc likeness to Tobh : 
By miracle Tobet grew blind to the light; 
You claim to possess a miraculous signt. 
But one thins^ we hasten to grant, nothing loth. 
The stories, dear Pere^ are Apocryphal— MA. 



% jbyvn^ 

Bhobt Co]n(oi!r8.--Little M.P.'s. 



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Jamuabt 18, 187a.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



» 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

JMum of my AuiU^The Nook afUr the laU Bains^A Surpri$e^ 
The End in Vi&w. 




HBi I ne Ibe frontjnrden from oyer the gate 
I hardly know The Nook again. It is ai 

[^ much ohanged for the better ai a dorenly 

man who has hadj hia hair out* 

Uj Aunt has arrived. She has been Ganlayised for the Nen- 
ralna, and is qnite weU again ; whioh, however, she says, she has 
no donbt wonld have beoi the resnlt if she'd undergone the treat 
samement at home. She is at first a little annoyed with me abont 
the OLTXPHTire, beoanse she had predetermined a matoh ; and, 
seeondly, she is astonished at my not having met her at the Station. 
These matters are, sabeeguentlf , dnlv explained. 

Little Unoles Jack and Gill are slso here. When we apnear at 
the front gate, they are playing at horses on the gravel-path, 
whieh seems to be, I point out to KHauucoBS,'nioely dry in spite of 
the rain. They are affectionate ohildren. On seeing me, they run 
away, orying. '* They thin^ yon 're * Bogie,' " Snglbmobb remarks. 
Thev ' ve ffone indoors to sommon mv Annt. 

The da woman left in dharge of the house comes to the front 
door. She recognises me, and sni£Bk She prepares for my reception 
by giving her face a mb round with the comer of her apron, and 
then she opens the gate« stands behind it nervously, and ourtseys. 

"Mbb. fiijsooB in?" I ask. It may be remembered, but it pro- 
bably is not, that my Aunt's name is Bascob. 

" les, Sir," says the old woman. *' The lady come as the day 
befare yezzerdy. She ain't been altogether well since oomin', she 
ain'tt^Werry damp it is for tham as am't used to't." 

"DampI'^ 

'* Tour name must be Mister Drainage." says Ekolbmobb, sur- 
veying the lawn. " The ground here 's like a greasy sponge. Not 
nice^lonel Greasy Sponge, eh ? " 

"What's to be doneP" Iask,for I see that the cottage is in a 
similar position to what the Ark must have beoi in after the first 
half-inch of waters had subsided. 

" When I came," says my Aunt, after the first salutations and 
oonmtulations are over, ** you had to walk through one big puddle 
to the front door, and you couldn't put your foot out of the French 

■ liuliw ** 



*' Without putting your foot in it." suggests Evolbmobx. 

My^Aunt nods, and continues**' The revandah was a perfectly 
8W<»eless homp." 

"Sammy Swamn," says Bvolwobb, translating the phrase in his 
own fashion. " Tour Aunt 's right. Look at it now." 

I do look at it. and in another second it occurs to me that the 
Maaons and Builders left here some time since to put everything in 
order, have- achieved a triumph of constructive skill by sloping the 
pavement of the verandah /rom the garden doum to the house ! 7 

" Mister Cellar below, eh P " asks Eitglbmobb. 

" Tes, but nothing in it." 

" Plentyof water by now. Little Tommy Temperature increases ; 
William Water ditto. Steam up. General Damp— everywhere. 
No dry ffoods store." He shakes his head ruefully. My Aunt puts 
her hand to her side, in anticipation of rheumatic effects. 

I turn to him and on him, rather savagely, ** Hang it, Bbolbmobb, 
fou recommended the place. Yon said ' Nook ' — -'' 

"And you Nooked. Good boy. But your Httie Bkolbmobb 



didn't know about Colonel Clay-soil, and he didn't give orders to 
Mister Builder." 

I admit this. I remark .that the garden, considering aU things, 
looks promising. 

He cheers me up on this score. "Very promising. It'll be 
Little All-right if you give it time. Builder must put this square, 
or no £ «. 3. Touch up the cellars. Dry your eyes. Ring up 
again^'and go on with the next performance." 

He IS right. If drained properly, and so forth, I am suio there 
can't be a healthier spot than The Nook. 

" The bloom is on the rye as far as the children go," says 
Ebolbmobb. 

My Aunt replies, '* Yes, I 'm glad to see them with such cheesy 
roki" ^ ^ ^ ^ 

We are recovwing our good-humour. 

Sappy Thought.— Make the best of a ^oo<^ job ; for it is a good 
job done, excepting the builder, who must have .been a perfect looL 
Talking of perfect fools, how 's my new Gardener getting on ? '*Not 
that he 's a perfect fool," I say pleasantly, smiling: ''on the oon- 
trary, he appeared to be a very intelligent ^" 

*' Did he P " my Aunt says, dubiously. " Well, I ean't make him 
out myself. Nor any one else, I should say. Ha 'a got od4 ways of 
going on." 

Happy ThoughL^TeAxpa he has begun hia ***fnioy gardening," 
and my Aunt doesn't understand it. 

" At times,— I don't wish to frighten you, or myself, or any- 
body,'' she says, with great eonsideratian, whereat Ebglbmobb nods 
approvingly,— '* but at timee I think he 'a qnaer." 

^* At oflM times," sogspests Ebolbicobb. 

But aa my Xuni lookB anm-nnnnly i^erioas, Ebolbmobe frowns 
at me, ai if I*d mode &il mupportuae juke, 

"UaeerF^* 1 rep«at, and Look at Eiffa£.BMOB£, who^ imieen by 
my Aanti gf}^& through a paDtt^mioiiti perfcirmance of lilting up 
hid liaod to his mouth, pretend iug to take a draughti and then 
touehinjf his forebead siguifioanllj* 

** You mean that he drinkfif" I say to BirsLBMOBB. 

" Liquor 's Ms name, probably," Ke retorns. 

" He Mght«Qed that old rag-'doU of a woman whom you've put 
to keep house her6," my Aunt oontinties ; ** and, though I don't 
undt^rHtand mueb about g&rdeuijig myself, yet it doesn^t seem to me 
tiiat h& 'a R'oini^ ou right. ' 

The UtM!r-n£>U. meeta us in th@ pasaage, and ^orroborftteft this state- 
ment. *' Nuffiu ain't been ri^ht aince he oom©^ and GutOH's men 
hit, I railly don't think as he *s safe with a pick, or a 'oe^ Uid 
(iiildem about," 

I inqnire as to hia habits. She haa Been him at meaU. 

** No, Sir, he don't drink, least waya not nnffin to apeak on« but 
he ^s atrange. His scroond day here he da&hed in among them salary 
beds quite like a mad peraon." 

*' Good graoioua ! I hope he 's not a luniac ! " my Aunt exdaima. 

*-I ain't not ao sure Q^ that, Mum," says the Eaf^DolL sniffing 
and retirinf^. Erst behind her apron, which ehe belds up to her faoOf 
and am& oyer its oomer at ua ; thetii under that Qoverj ihe haeks 
down the passage, and goes sideways into the kitohen. 

All my Gardener's iiiormation oonoeming the Mikado, Japsnese 
Gardening, and Hie Dukb of Shbtlabd, flashes across me. I do not 
feel comfortable as I enter the Kitchen Ghirden. 

'* Hallo I " exclaims Bbolbmobb ; and we all three stand in utter 
imazement at the scene before us. 

Happy ThoughL-^Vanoj Gardening esrtainly. 

One part of the place looks as if it had been devastated by 
a fearful storm, while another seems to have suffered from some 
eccentric convnldon of nature, which has sent the roots up in 
the air and fixed the tops downwards in Hie earth. This is the 
case with the cabbages. The new eurrant-buBhes are tied on to 
the t<^ of tiie highest trees, looking very like those Dutch brooms 
which a Uwawmmi often notices with wonder at the mast-heads of 
fishing smacks. The celery beds are completely dug up, looking 
like a troubled sea in dirty weather, with the exception of one smaU 
patch in the centre, where we observe a stone jar standin||[, labelled 
legibly Mixed Pickiee, Garden tools, all brand neW| which he has 
bought on his own account, are, we see, planted out in a row,^ like 
young trees, and carefully propped up. An empty milk-pail is by 
the strawberry-beds, which have been filled with ^ouog plants. At 
the end of Hie garden, by the wall, we now catch sight of a smoking 
bon&re, which u just Dcginning to blase. The Fancy Gardener is at 
present invisible. 

*' Mad as a hatter I " Ebolbkobb says, emphatically. 

Evidently. But what an awful state of thuigs. 

We walk down the Kitchen Garden path in some trepidation. ^ A 
mad Gardener might be waiting behind a bush, or a hedge, with 

some instrument, and jump out suddenly Ah I there ^he is. 

Now. 



* Sabbtt Matchbs."— Love Matches. 



fOgh: 



S8 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[jjLNUABt 18, israL 




HOWL OF FRANTIC DELIGHT 

Iin>17LQBD IN BT JfjK. PUNOH ON OnB DaT, LAST WeKE, BEHOLDING HIS SHADOW. 



BIELA BBOUGHT TO BOOK. 

That erratiio Biela Gomei, 

WMoh we thought had gone to imaah, 
Blundering against our planet 

In ooUinon rode and rash. 
And seattering tail and kernel, 

In windjr meteor-flare, 
Had yanished from the ttar-field, 

like a hnist-np millionnaire— 

Like that millionnaire retnrning 

To the world of hoarse and hul. 
In the Eastern hlne is borning 

(See ELnrKEBFUis) still I 
ThBre, a beffgar upon horseback, 

Oyer the Indian tides, 
Beoklees of all he 's gone through, 

Biela the Centaur rides ! 

And like that millionnaire, too. 

Whose one faith 's gain for loss, 
He rides upon a Centaur.* 

Whose hoof is on the Cross. 
Thus one dull Deoember morning, 

In a fleeting break of blue. 
The telescope of PoesoN f 

NaHed Biela-the old do ! 

* The Centaur riaei jnit aboTe the Southern Ctom. 
t The diftioguiBhed Madna GoTemment litronomer. 



He was no easy capture^ 

Two mormngs had cone by, 
That PoesoN*s watchnil weapon 

In Tain had swent the sky ; 
When, on the third^ &e Centanr 

Trotting into the field. 
With BMa " up" upon him. 

His whereabouts rerealed. 

There through the southern star-sphere 

The erratic comet jogs on, 
Nortleems that for four minutes 

He 's within the gaze of Pogson, 
Whose sharp eye thus reports him^ 

'* Looks round and fat and bright^ 
At least about the nucleus^ 

But has no tail in sight" 

I read, and for a moment 

Somejpitj crossed my mind — 
** Poor Biela I been in Q^ueer Street ; 

Had to leave his tail behind ! 
'Twas, p'raps, when last Noyember 

He was missing from our skies, 
And with those meteor-flreworks 

Threw star-dust in our eyes. 

** Tes, for those very meteors 

Poor Biela, I '11 go bail, 
Was forced to raise the needful. 

By pledging his own tail. 
Or on that tail's been living. 

In this ecliptic pause, 
As bears they say, in winter. 

Keep fat on their own paws S" 

So pitiful my f anoy. 

Over poor Biela grew— 
The sinffle tail-lees comet. 

Bare-burning on the blue ! 
Andl thought, «* Will 't be a lesson 

To young comets hot and ra^ 
Not to get across our orbit. 

And, like Biela, come to smash?" 

But lo, the following morning 

From PoosoN tidmgs brought, 
By dearer observation 

With brighter aspect fraught : 
** The nucleus enlarging 

To twice its former scale ; 
And, visible appendage, 

A faint, but growing tfdl I " 

Sly rogue! 'Tis the old story. 

In star-sphere, bourse, or mart, 
Still these erratic blazers 

But smash again to start : 
Whatever means they squander. 

Whatever trains they spill. 
When they turn up, 'tis always 

With a new tail growing still I 



WHO WANTS A DIPLOMA P 

The following notice, with address at top, and name 
at foot, has been sent to Mr. Punch ,~ 

''Dear Sir, — From information I have obtained. I wiah to 
inform you I can now assist you in obtaining the title of 
Doctor ; the LL.D. degree from an American IJmyeni^ can be 
obtained in 'absentia.' Thii degree can be affixed after your 
name in the Medical Directories, while the other Foreign diplo- 
mas are not admitted. Mt fee is Twenty Guineas. I am, Sir, 
yours fidthfully, &c., &c., ko" 

Punch is exceedingly obliged, but when he wants to 
throw away twenty guineas, he gives them to Mrs. 
Punch for a new dross. Nextlv, when he wants a 
degree, he confers it on himself, because that is just as 
honourable a course as buying a diploma, and quite as 
useful. Lastly, he does not mh to see himself in any 
Medical Directory, even though his name would stand 
there with the names of numbers of men whom he is 
proud to call his friends, and who owe none of their 
hard-earned titles to humbug and quackery like that 
suggested in the above note. He withholds Hie name 
only because he does not desire to advertise the person. 



Januabt 18, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHABIVABL 



29 




THROWING THE HANDKERCHIEF. 

Bob (in the Courae of Convenatim), ** * Woman's Mission ! * Pooh t Womak*b 
Mission is to bs BKAurinrL. If kyxe / mekt a Woman with Lots of Tin, 
who's faultlessly Bkautiful, I SHALL Marrt her straight off." 

ffi$ Admiring Frimd. *' I suppose tou 'll just Ask her first, won*t tou, 
Bob!" 



fflGH LIFE BELOW STATES. 

What are oalled our Upper Classes should, we think, 
inolnde our upper aervants, for clearly they are ^ttin^ 
more and more the upper hand of us. As a step in this 
direotion, please to look at this adyertiaement :— 

/^OK (Gk)0D Plain) la a quiet Family— a Tradesman's 
yj not objected to. 

This idain Cook is certainly plain spoken, but she 
might be more explicit. For instance, does she look 
upon a ^arber as a tradesman, or would she ** not 
object " to oook a dinner for a Chimney-sweep P The 
perambulant purveyor of feline proTision may call him- 
self a tradesman, for aught that we can tell, and so too 
may a merchant who traffics in discarded habiliments 
and yenerable hats. Haply one of these fine days (if we 
are ever to haye fine days), we may find a Cook an- 
nouncing that she will ** not object''^ to take her wases 
from a Doctor, or else adding, as a unstastjpt, that '* l7o 
Miatreaa without a Titla naeAi^y/' 



\JlHpya90m JfWUe* BttmHpHMTt^ 

' When that I ww a UtUe tiny boy»" 

And used bad words because ox rain, 
Xy parents, with retverse of joy, 

fieyened me, and— I shared their pilau 
But now I 'ye come to man's estate, 

And'onrae kind rains in language rtah« 
There 's no one who can smite my j 

For tidking ihanUeam idiot < 



<H1 or Wiatarf 



Kmtlbaoh i 



^mi*- 



iOH ii|irepaiiaCiS^^ , 

msm$ Zritwtg, for the Yieima EzmbitMi, a laffsOMsMi of Qie 
Deluge."-— Aih&naum, 

If ^e weather abroad has been like the weat^ier at 
home, t^ great GFerman Painter has certoinly hit upon 
a nuMt seasonable subject. 



QUisnoir avd aivswsb nr hsw esoffiAVHT. 

Q. Whxbb are the Sandwich Islands P 
A. Near to the Enife-and-Falkland lalai. 



BENTLETS AND P0E80NS. 

M&. PuFGH has mudi pkasue in laying before his readers acme 
ooi^eotural eaendaticns, by critics wtaeae ncaoity bespeaka itself, 
of certain paasagea in a sweet little poem, the compoeition of an 
anonymoua oard, adapted to the yoongeat oapamty, and designed to 
awaken the affectionate plajf ulneas ofyery early childhood. These 
splendid exereiaes of the critical faoultgr are contained in the f oUow- 
ing lettara, addresMd 

To the BdUwr </ PuhcK 

Sn^— Allow me to ymtore on the anggeafcion d what I take to be 
tlie oerreet readinpr of two linea in a well-known and fayourite 
nursery riiyme, which, aa contained in the eommon editions of books 
of such poetry, stand thus:— 

Dtnev baby diddy. 

WhatslttUIdowidiy? 

These yeraea, though not abaolutely unintelliirible, are seriooaly 
yitiated by a proportion of abaolute nenaenie which cannot be re- 
^rarded aa wholeaome nutriment for the tender mental faculties of 
infancy. ** Dancy " is a corruptien of a word which haa an obyious 
meaning, and by some minds a signification may be attached to 
'* widdy ; " but '* diddf ' can hardly conyey a definite meaning to 
any ordinary intellect.)iL I propose that the unea aboye dted ahould 
be read aa fdlows:— 

Dsasfs, fasby ,^BiddT. 

^y^batduOlI^wid'eef 

The suppofition that the rhymes whenoe the foregoing couplet is 
gnoted were originally composed in l»oken English by a Amoh 
honne^ and subsequently ysned by an Irish nurffnaid, is quite a 
sufloMiit warrant Tor their reitoratioA aa aboye, confidently proposed 
by yonr constant reader, Dufbtak. 



Snt, — I cannot for a moment entertain a conjeotore which, under 
pretence of amendingagood old Bn^liah nursery rhyme, would giye 
it a semi-foreign origin. To my nund there is no question that the 
yerses whi^ a dunce has proposed to mar with oatlandiah ooimp- 
tions were originally theae :* 

DsDoe, a baby, did ho ? 
WhatihallIdo,Eiddy? 

" Kid" is a synonym for infant or baby notoriously mimh in use 
among the humbler classes, whmice we all know that nurses are 
generally selected. ** Elddy " is its appropriate diminutiye. 

I am. S ir, Ac, Kdwamului. 

Six,—! cannot brisff my mind to adopt any of the p iopeaad new 
readings of " Dancy Baby." On my own mind there is no doubt 
whateyer that the first two Bneaof that celebrated poem, ooneetly 
rendered would be:— 

Danes, my baby, dii 'oo ? 

What ibaii Ma do widow? 

In this yariation from the receiyed text maternal pratUe, you will 
obserye, is beautifully blended with conjugal soUoitade. 

Bespectf uily yours, 



AVBEX. 



JoeoM Drama. 

BoBtm^StrHii mnpioh^re. Tim— OilHMsiat Mn«. 

JBiU$r Buoonrs wmHng Siiuooiirs. Buoenfs %iU§rt a vwy Mj9k$, 

Bmuooinb takit ofhU hat, r $ nr m tiMllp , 

Buggim. Wht do you do that P, 

Smuagins. Because, when I meet an old joke I always treat him 
aa an old friend, and salute him respectfuUy. 

Buggms, Do you Pi.1 don't.] .As you see, when I come across an 
old joke, leidiu lExtwU aeparaUly. 



30 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVAM. 



[jAirUABT 18, 1873, 




CUMULATIVE JURiSDiCTlON. 

Ocmnuuidtng Officer, " I don't Know what to do with you, Smithers— always in TroublA. If I made myself into a 
Rboimental Couet-Maetial, I'd give you Forty-Two Days!" 
SmiUken, '* Can't do that, Sib ; would be Illegal t " 
Oammanding Qffie$r. "Another Word, and I constitute myself 'A District,* and you'll get Eiohty-J'our Days I" 

[Smiih^n i$ awed- 



RATHER HARD UNES. 

This is an advertisemient from an Lriih paper. Please to read, 
neyertheless : — 

WANTED by a Gentleman board and schooling for a Bo^, aged 
thirteen yean, of a bad turn of mind, and giyen to lying : intended 
for the tea: terms from £16 to £18 per annum, payable monthly. 
Address, fto. 

What has the Sea done that so objeotionable a youth should be 
thrown into it P Why insult respectable fishes P And, if he is to 
be drowned, what is the use of wasting money on his board and 
schooling P But if by the Sea ia meant the Seryioe, the British 
Marine is really mnon indebted to the adYortiser. What we find 
and loTS in that Seryioe is, among many other excellent gnalities, 
a good tnm of mind (whatoYer the " gentleman" moans) and an 
absolute hatred of lying. Lastly, we would remark that, however 
desperately and outrageously wiosed a boy of thirteen may be, his 
faults are probably due to those who have brought him up badly, 
and it is dealing a ohUd rather hard measure to prejudice the mind 
of any better tutors against him. Howeyer, 'tis an Irish adyertise- 
ment, and an '' affectionate people " has its own ways. 



Spiritoalism and fiOiakapeare. 

Ivaletter to Prince JJenry, the Diyine Williams makes JFb^t^^ 
sign himself " Jack Falsiaff, with my famiHars." Some oommen- 
talors will henoe, perhaps, infer that Shaxspeabb was a Spiritualist 



A HOMS QiUMnOV. 



Ais Young Men who haye sisters generally foDnd to many? One 
would fancy they must know too mneh* 



PAPAL PREVISION. 

The Roman Correspondent of the Time$ tells us that "the Pope 
still speaks of the Italian Qoyemment as * Sab-Alpine.' " What 
first put this phrase to denote YiCTOE-EmcAinTBL and his Ministers 
into the Holy Father's head P The Chief and the Members of the 
Qoyemment which he oalls Sub- Alpine aro not, in any intelligible 
sense, under the Alps. Certainly they haye not, as yet, the Aim on 
top ox them. Maybe the Pofb imagines that he foresees them lying 
under the Alps, which haye been hurled upon their heads for hating 
dethroned him. There, perhaps, they lie, to his mind's eye, like the 
Titan beneath Etna. Thus we can imagine that, as persoiis deslinea 
to be Cardinals by His Holiness aro Cardinals already, so the Italian 
King and his Counoillors aro already Sub- Alpine to the Pops tn petto. 



Firat Newt of the << GOiaUenger." 

[The IktOff T0UgrtipV9 Oorreipondent on board states that the first dredging 
has resulted in the diseorery here immortalised.] 

News from the CfhaUenaer^ nothing ridiculous ! 

One Ocean Seoret 's aJfeady disclosed. 
The Oonotryx^ 0, the delightful in«ctcti/iM / 
liyes a deal deeper thAu Science supposed. 

Then hey for the Qonotryx, Gonotryx, Gonotryx I 

Jolly young Gonotryxi swimmiog so free ; 
And soon may the Challenger's trawUngs and bonny 
^oks 
Drag nuve jolly news from the jolly old sea. 

==================== 4^^ T/> 

A PROBLnc.— Is it consistent for a man, who proleaMBtoDt a 
Teetotaller, to think no smaU beer of himself P 



Sln% taWP>MiBot of wSAtan, taW Gttf of ItfMoa, aid PaUlfhM fef Sim, S^ 



Komi. BvUbMT. Afaow, * Oow. XMAiM 



IimAm.— SAtvaa4T, 



*JuMfyl<llll. 



Januabt 25, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



31 



POETIO CLASSICS FOR PROSAIC READERS. 




BjcE GEAcioue Me, Ppuch, 

It Aeems to me that tbe bow faTourite 
iorm oi pofiUy might b& mied for the InBtruotion 
of the rmng g«nerAtiaD. I have, therefore, put 
the list of m^ Homan Kings into verse, and, if 
this meets your approyal, I will do all the Consols 
of Boiiie, aiid then all the Lord Mayors of London. 
Yours deferentially, 

O.EBILIUS FlAGBLLATOB. 

I. 

The first King of Rome was called Eohtjlxts. 
His position was slightly anomaloos, 

Him we cannot esteem, as 

He killed brother Ebmtts, 
For reading him cynical homilies. 

u. 

The second was Nvica Pohpilius. 
His sabjects were really so silly as 

To belieYe he waa taught 

By a nymph whom he caught 
In a grot. Let 'a be glad we know msHus^ 

in. 

The third wm named Tullits HosnLnrB. 
It 's uncertain of whom he WMjUtM ; 

But certain his vows 

Brought down fire on kis hooM^ 
For his iaoense made Jupiter biiious. 

IV. 

The fourth he was called Airous Mabtius, 
Who was full of most laudable vartues ; 

His Majesty's a«tion 

€htve much satisfaction, 
And he probably wore fine moustarohios. 

V. 

The fifth WBM TABQT7I1IIU8 and Pitigcufl ; 
He was ppud of M| wife and his w^dskers ; 

Two Princes he 'd ohisellfld 

CWhen AKCTTsliad mi^^^i^, 
Took ana broke his oH head with a disous. 

VI. 

The sixth he was called Bkbvitjb Tullius ; 
On reforms he could talk auite as dully as 

Any Taylob, or Odgeb, 

Or Democrat codger 
Of thai sort, who stands up to ^^ly us. 



VII. 



The Last was^TABQuiNiirs Supsrbtts, 
(His wife o'er her father drove her buss,) 

He turned out such a brute,t^ 

That Rome upped with her foot, 
And— cried, ** There I No more Kings shall disturb us." 



THKESATENED STRIKE OF CUSTOMERS. 

BiTTCHEis, OUT buekfl. GroD^ri, onr good Sirs. Purveyors of food 
in gent?ral, our pretty fellows* Observe that, on the afternoon of 
Tuesday la^t v^tjk, a mimerouBly attended meeting of the Members 
of Club Commilt^efl &nd Meabera nf Clubs was held at Willis's 
Rctoma for a piurpose likely oonfliderahlj to affect your interests. It 
liae no le«i than that of esti^blii^hiDg & Club Co-operative Supply. 
This piirxioieH^ gentlemen of the {i^iire tunic and &e white apron, 
bids very fair indeed to be cajried out. Resolutions were passed to 
t^ko decided tie pi to that end. A Club Co-operative Company has 
h^m eEitablisbed. It means baBineBe. Yo^ wiU say it means mis- 
chief. Tb© ^Jational Club, the East India Club, the Army and 
Navy 01 ub^ ha^e pnt their should era to the wheel ; and very soon 
tbe rest ol the CJubfi will co-operate with them^ shoulder to shoulder. 

For why F Lossee acenie ii Cbihs from paying high retail prices 
lor gooda of low quality. Tbe defiuitj^ in Club baJance-aheefts out of 
the supply of provisions have become of serious consequence. Mem- 
bera ot Ctubi cry out aod oomplaio that the prices at the Clubs are 
hi^hi^r in BOine Tei^teota than ihoee at the restauraniB, where tiie 
pso^rielors have to pav all the expenses out of thehr bosineBS receipts, 
bavmg no annual subicriptions to rely upon for rMLymemt of their 
rent and other outffoings. These facts were stated by the Hon. A. 
B. Hahiltoit to tie Co-operative Clubs Meeting e» cathedrd ; as 
Chairman, you know. He pointed out that they necessitated com- 
bination on the part of CliU)s in order to secure the best articles of 
provisions at modeiate prices, instead of articles always high-priced, 
and not always ox the best. Accordingly it was unanimously re- 
solved by the meeting — **That the aireotors" (of the Companv 
above-named) "be requested to communicate with various Club 
Committees, with the view to secure their support and co-operation." 
Friends, you see these are striking times. Co-operative Stores are 
virtually Customers' Unions. In effect they constitute strikes of 
Customers against Shopkeepers. The Civil Service has generallv 
struck against you. Now the strike is extending to the GlubB. A 
general strike of duhs will be a heavy l)low indeed to you, and no 
joke. Be wise in time. Follow the good example of Colokbl 
Cbookstt's 'Possum. Say to customers on the point of co-operating 
against your extortion—" Don't strike. Gentlemen. We will come 
down." And come down immediately. Then, although, for having 
brought you to honest reason, we may say that Clubs are trumps, 
the remark will not be added, on your loss of husinesa, that you did 
foolishly in playing the knave. 



WANTED. 

« A GoMPAXiON required bv a Manried Lady of jDodtioii. She must be a 
lady by birth. A Young Lady of a kind and a£RMUonate diiposition would 
meet with real kindneu and a pleasant happy home. She most undentand 
anaagiag hair with taste. No ciher dfities.'V 

Is there not some mistake in the wording of this invitation^ whoee 
happiness and hair-dreasing are so beautifully blended? The 
advertisement states that the desired companion must be " a lady " 
by birth, but as it is indispensable that she should understand 
arranging hair, probably it ouf ht to have said ** a lady's maid." 
The arrangement of the nair, with or without taste, has not hitherto 
been included amongst the studies and aocempliahmenta to which 



for •* doing" hair, we sjiui.la ijruculily Boon seethe nainee of the 
moft eminent ooifftwr^^ tiie first artuUs of their time «» chet^&ux^ if 
not 1^ the liead, 4t least high up in those lists of prof stgiorg of every 
imaginable art and science^ witbont which no Laaiea^ Eatabliahm^nt 
Jlss now any ohaoee of snooeas. Perhaps the '' National Umon for 
improving this eduMtion of Women of all classes '^ will turn its 
attention to this negleoted branch of female instmation. and unsns-' 
pectecToouroe of lady-Uke emolnment. 

Ancient apd ^odeni Art. 

Piotubbs by the Old Masters adorn the inner waUs of the National 
Gallery. Hioee of the Young Masters embellish the exteriors of 
other buildings, and also decorate the gates and door-posts. The 
last-named artists are mostiy Members of an Academy composed of 
Cadi. 



VOL. ULIV. 



32 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[January 25, 1873. 




A PLAIN ANSWER. 

Nimrod, «* Have yoxt Seen a Deeb pass this Way, Boy I You know 

WHAT A DbEE is LIKE I " 

Yokd, "NoA, I doan't!" 

Nimrod, "Why, something like a Donkey with Short Ears. Have 
YOU Seen anything answering to that Description ? " 

YoktL " NOA, NOT TILL TEAW COMB BY ! ** 



THE LAY OP A LODGER. 

I 'm an Englishman, Londoner, Lodger, 

There are thouBands and thoutandiB like me ; 
I 'm zealonfl for freedom as Odgxb, 

Claim Moral Self -Qoyemment free : 
Bat I fret nnder petty restrictioni^ 

Deyioes of jpedagogae-rale— 
Enforced under p^ial inflictions, 

As though this great realm were a sohooL 

I liye like a bear in a oavem, 

Whenoef orth for my Tictoalfl I roam : 
I dine every day at a tayem, 

For they oan't cook my dinner at home. 
On work-davB I 'm free, but on Sonday 

The serf 8 oitter portion is mine : 
Between three and six on that one day, 

A Statate forbids me to dine I 

In an hoar who can finish hii dionerP 

I smoke, and repose on my perch^ 
Past seven, when of old this poor sinner 

Was wont to be going to church. 
Sabbatarian Teetotallerr notion 

A splendid succeBs don't you think P 
They '^ve taken a deal by their motion 

To limit my freedom of drink. 

A private house I rent a room in. 

Instead, were mv home an hotel, 
The law me three long hours would doom in 

Solitude every Sunday to dwell. 
As a guest, of a huge fine in dailger, 

By my side any friend would remain. 
A pedant's Act makes him a stranger ; 

Refreshment forbids to obtain. 

Come quickly a blest Dissolution I 

Then, Englishmen, rush to the poll ; 
And force, by your votes, restitution 

Of rational folk's self-control. 
In a state of subnussive prostration 

Will you crouch on. like lnilksop» unmanned, 
A Prig-and-Police-ridden nation 

In what once was Liberty's Land P 



niPLOlCATIC TOAST Aim SBNTIMKlfT. 

Cou5T SoHOUVALOFF \ and may the Court that has ac- 
credited him to the Cabinet of St. James's not design to 
shuffle off its engagements. 



THE MILD SEASON. 

The unusually mild temperature of the present season (by courtesy 
Winter) is begiiming to produce a fine crop of newspaper paragraphs, 
and one reads and hears of nothing but precocious strawberries, 
danng hyacinths, venturesome aspara^[us, and apple-trees prema- 
turely bloomfuL Industrious statisticians are looking up old 
winters, and exploring remote countries and distant centuries for 
ezMt parallels. Thermometers are glad to be in the shade. The 
trade m skates is flat. Furs are entirely changing their nature, and 
becoming a drag in the market, and alarming reports are flying 
about the country that the violets have seriously interfered with the 
huntmg. Should the leniency of the weather continue, we may 
expect to have e?erything before its proper time, and the summer 
months will probably find us weary of salmon, sated with straw- 
bemet, and supremely indifferent to green peas and roses. Tbe 
whitebait hold themselves in readiness to arrive at their usual 
quartm at Greenwich whenever summoned by the head- waiter; 
and the merle and the mavis are prepared to commence nidifica- 
tion at a moment's notice. 

But many of the most remarkable concomitants of the season— we 
are not now referring to Birla's friend— have unaccountably escaped 
being made tiie subject of public comment. The season's influence 
has extended to quarters where meteorological phenomena have 
hitherto been supposed to exercise but Uttle sway; and so striking 
have been the results, that it appears a matter of national import- 
ance to tabulate a few of the more prominent of them for present 
mvesu^tion and future reference. The readings are in aU cases 
given in round numbers, and the iostruments employed were the 
same as those used at the Royal Observatory, Christiansund, Skudes- 
naes, Valentia, &o. 

Mr. Gray Mayob cannot remember Mrs. Gray Mayor's temper 



ever to have been so mild as during the current month. For many 
years past he has kept a daily register of Mrs. G. M.'s variations in 
this respect, and since 1853, when they were on their wedding ex- 
cursion in the Isle of Wight, he has no record of anythingwhich 
approaches the present happy state of things at Boselawn. He sin- 
cerJaly hopes that the mildness both of the temperature and Maria's 
temper will be of long continuance. 

Mr. Digbt MiLDiCAT GozLivo's new volume of poems— (76rm 
and Spray— ]m rapidljr approaching completion. Mb. Mildicat 
Gozldtg's muse is habitually agenUe creature, but those who have 
had the privilcffc of access to the proof -sheeU of his forthcoming 
work, are unanimous in their opinion of the extraordinary mildness 
of ite contente. 

The inhabitante of Sleapingwell-cum-Slumberdown came away 
from the last Penny Beading with an idea in their heads that Mb. 
Toleky's elocutionary efforto and Miss WASSivoTOir's musioal 
performances were a httle mild. 

Those who study the devious course of evente, and are oonstantlv 
on the wateh for the slightest indications of new phases and fresh 
ourrenU in the vortex of life, have of late, day after day and 
morning after morning, been struck — so much so, that they are in 
communication on the subject with the Director of the Meteoro- 
logical Office (as the Clerk of the Weather is now called)— with the 
miTiBiial mUdneia of tlidir breakfast bacon. 

Never Binoe tbe Houflc of Brunswick ascended the throne of these 
realm 9, Beyer sinoo tti^ commerce and manufactures of this sea-girt 
land receiTed a powerful impetus after the Repeal of the Com and 
KaYijra^tion Lo^wa. never in the annals of Burton, Alton, Romford. 
Btcirumber, NoUmgham, and Chiswick, has the consumption of 
mild ale bean greater than at this present hour— 11 p.m., Thursday, 
January 16, 1873. Diaitized by V:jO\^ VIV^ 

Mrs. Tolksr Dottbrkll has jast given to the world anoihir of 



Januabt S5, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



33 




STERN, YET SENSIBLE. 

(hahbed Old Chiard {to Sea-Captain takirig leave of hU Family), <' Come, Sir. Come! Mt Time is up, and I must Lock this Door. 

YOXr SHOULD COME EARLIER IP YOXT CAN'T CONTROL YOUR FeELIN's I I " 



her oliarmiiiff ballad oompodtions, entitled Fond Heart$ are Fondly 
Beating. Tne munc and the worda (the latter by Eustace Silk- 
raoNx) are eqnalljr mild. The song is dedicated to Ladt Masiaf 
HoirsTinrsK, and is intended for a mezzotinto roioe. 

On Wednesday, the 15th inst, the Members for East Wessex ad- 
dressed a large gathering of their oonstitaents at the Annnal Dinner 
of tiie Eillinffley Cow Clnb. Even the Wmmx Watchdog is con- 
strained to admit that the speeches of Sib Wabewobth Gludtxb 
and M&. Chablbs Pbosblxt Pbosxlxt were nndeniably mild. 
Weather again 1 

A nice dish of early spring gossip was gathered at seyeral tea- 
parties last week. 



PIOUS FRAUD. 

The following was telegraphed* on the 16th« from Rome :— 

''The Senate has approyed the tuppretsioii of religiona inftruotioii." 

And this followed in the same telegram :* 

*'The PoPB reoeiyed seyeral ohildreii to-day, and told them that after 
repeated searches the bodies of the Apostles St. Philip and St James had 
been disooyered in the Church of the Holy Apostles." 

Sorely this should haye come first It seems an excellent reason 
for the action of the Senate. Dear good old Pnrs seems to hsTO for- 
gotten what his countryman wrote about maxima reverentia. He 
has wit, and humour, and oould easily hays amused the children 
without telling them such an amazing— one— as this. St Philip, (a 
ninied man, with a family, by the way) was buried at Hieropolis, 
and according to the Roman Breyisry itself, St James was finally 
buried at GompostellA. Now the original Church of SS. Apostou 
(and predous not that Piazza behina the Gorso is sometimes) was 
not bmlt until the time of PELAtnrs thb Fibst^ in the sixth cen- 
tury, more than 500 years after *' Philip and Jacob," had gone ad 
ffujforet • His Holiness must haye taken it for granted that JEtoman 
children are very ill taught— and we dare say that they are. 



A SPLIT IN THE FRENCH CHAMBERS. 

SoifB of the French Constitution-mongers, as we learn from the 
Special Correspondent of the Timee^ are proposing to make a second 
chamber bv cutting the first in half. This reminds one of what 
Captaiit Mabbtat tells us of the Madeira Lizards in his Olla 
Podrida-^ihAt if you caught one, pulled off its tail, and nicked the 
last vertebra of the stumi>. the lizard not only hyed happy oyer 
after, but deyebped two tails instead of one. and went about appa- 
rently proud of his double appendage. Whether he was sny the 
wiser for it, or moyed any the slower or straighter, the Captain 
does not say. One does not yerv well see how an analogous way 
of giying France two legislatiye bodies would be likely to improve 
her Gbyemmental course, if they are to be, like the Madeira Lizard's 
two tails, only bifurcations of one and the same body, after alL 



A Splendid Opportunity. 



A GOOD many people seem to be uneasy in their minds about Lobd 
Btbon's fframmar and meaning in some of his famous lines to the 
Ocean. Cannot the Spiritualists help them P Cannot they commu- 
nicate with the Poet, and ascertain from him what he really did 
write P By so doing, they would dissipate the anxieties of many 
sensitiye and excellent persons, and probably, after gi^g such a 
practical proof of the use of 8i>irituali8m, conyert soeptios and un- 
oelieyers into inquirers and disciples. 



In the Street. 
(Smtday Moming. 10.55.) 

Pert Diseenter. Are you hastening to countenance the institu- 
tional arrangement for obstruction of the propagation of denomi- 
natieuid ideas P 

Elegant Churchman. Mean, am I going to Church P Tes, I am. 
Morning, I 'm late. 



34 



PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Januabt 25, 1873. 



THE FOURTH ''R'' AND ITS FRIENDS. 

^The tfitaton ai the Na- 
tional Bdaoatioti Leair^ie 
are not Shakspearian acton 
indeed, bat they appear to 
be busying thenutfyeB in 
the perTOTt&aDce of much 
ado about nothmgr. To 
what end ib the fuss they 
are making with a view to 
ttibBtiiiit^ fiecakr for deno- 
mi national Schools P If 
this chan^ were acoom- 
pliah^d it would certainly 
nave the cfft^ot of reducing 
reli^ou to thefootinirof an 
eduoatiotial ©xtrui eimilar 
to drawing aad dancing. 
But are the Leafrners quite 
sure that the ooiiBoqut'noe 
of this would bo t^o prev( nt 
the rtflinK fl^eneratiou or the 
lower orders from beiog 
taught religion F An the 
case stands it mav be ques- 
tioned whether all i^e real 
religion that any children 
are imbued witii is not 
imparted to them out of 
schooL There appears very 





rest pretty well assured that they cannot do better, or worse, than 
to leave eziiting arrangements for inculcating it on the minds of 
school-children al<me. 



OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

Me addreues the Editor, as usual, after visiting the QueenU and 
the Qlohe. 

As Your Representative I have not much to say about theatres 
this week, except that I think there are too many of them. But I 
shall have a good deal to say on certain matters deeplv affecting 
theatrical interests when I 've iot no other subject to hand. For the 
present si^ce it to observe, that You went to see Cromwell at the 
Queen s the other evening, and considering what you 'd previously 
heard and. read^ about the play, You were— I mean I was for You— 
agreeably surprised. Seeing that Golonbl RiOH^iiDe' Cromwell— 
Colonel Richaeds wrote it— is no more a play than the Cromwell 
of ViCTOE Hugo, great credit is due to the Stage Manager for the 
dramatic form in which it appears before the public Had it been 
thus represented on its first night, no unfavourable verdict would 
have been pronounced. But if, as 1 have just said, great credit is 
now dne to the Stage Manager for its present success, on whose 
shoulders are we to lay the blame of ite comparative &ilure origin- 
ally P 

This brings all interested in' tbe Dramatic Art back to the 
question of rehearsals. Now the preparation of an effect, like the 
cooking of a chop, may be faulty eitner from under-doing or over- 
doing. This being too serious a subject for this paper, I wul dismiss 
It by observing, that the most perfect effect in Cromwell appears 
to have been the preparation of one of the greatest chops on 
record, fo r th e dream-tebleau representing the decapitation of 
Chables the Fibst (I have had to mention him in every- 
thing lately— bother I) is admirable, and brings down the curtain 
on tne First Act to enthusiastic applause. Ireton is as good in 
Me. Rtsees hands as the character can be. I am £sposed 
to say the same of Me. Rionold as the Great Protector, had 
not all my interest in him been, quite against my will, gradually 
merged into a nervous anxiety about his wigs. As the Ourtain rose 
on each Act, I found myself wondering what wig he 'd appear in this 
time. I noticed OomtTtf// aging rapidly while Ireton and the rest 
stood still at middle life : except, perhaps, Mes. Ceokwell, who 
> with her husband's W ' 



seemed to sympathise ^ 



aair. Is this to be hyper- 



critical P Idon't think so. No, at every fresh entrance CromweWs 
manner seemed to me to say, defiantly, '^Here I am again I what do 
Tou think oithis wigP KiP" As his favourite daughter, EUza- 
heth, Mi88 Wallis had to contend against odds sufBcient to have 
beaten evyn a more experienced actress. To play a i»rt to which 
but little interest is from the first attached, to have to die hard for 
no evident reason except to satisfy historical requirements, and to 
have to relate three dreams, one after the other, trhile writhing 



almost in articulo mortis on a sofa, just at a point when every one is 
wishing the dramatic action to go on quickly if it is going on at all, 
—these are severe teals <tf any artiste^ s nower. Out of the ordeal she 
came triumphantly. The audience weioamed her safe lauding as 
heartily as a crowd at a steeple-chace greet the ^ping winner clear- 
ing the last and niost dangerous lea^. When it was over, I, Sir, as 
Your Kindhearted Representative, r^'oiced that she had not to 
ride tiiat stiff course aj^in. The Republican senMflHents delivered 
in the course of the puty frequently elicited noisy responses from 
some dashing spirits in the audience, but there are some damaging 
hits at tiie mob put even into Iretorts mouth. 

Sir. if You want to be harrowed— and, as Your Repfetantatiive, I 
am 01 opinien that vou object to such an operation as much as would 
the proverbial toad% were any choice given it — go to the Globe 
Theatre, and see Tears, Idle Tears. Emphatically, I will not go 
again. Professionally, or unprof essionally, I do not like being cut 
up. And then— I was so thirsty when I came away t This resulted 
in representing You, Sir, at Evaits's, up to eighteenpence and one 
o'clock i^ the morning. Never again with you, dear mother. 

Tears, Idle Tears! is carefully written, and well played all 
round. The great merit of Me. Montague's acting in it is that ite 
artistic repose never once diitracte you from the pathos of the story. 
To have been demonstrative would have been ruin. Me. Flock- 
ton's Doctor is one of the beet bite of character I 've seen for some 
time. Had not all. as I have said, been so good in it, the sudden 
appearance of the child with such a name as^* Pip " might have set 
the audience laughing. As it is. there is a rustling for pockethand- 
kerohiefii among the ladies, and twitehing of the nose among such 
gentlemen as are not disposed to yield to emotion without a struggle. 
I saw many a stout heart succumb, and I said to myself there are 
little favourites at home— and— and this is not a Christmas piece 
any more than it is a comic song : nor, for the matter of that, was it 
intended to be. . . . But enough. I will not be harrowed. Where 
shall we go, we thirsty ones P " Pip, old fellow, what larks I " as 
Mister Joe Gargery used to say. 

The idea of Marcel {Anghce, Tears, Idle Tears) was probably 
suggested by La Joiefait peur. There is a kinship between the 
two pieces. As Your Representetive I considered the doleful per- 
formance of the orchestra behind the scenes a decided mistake. At 
first it occurred to me that they were the " Waits,*^ and that Me. 
Montague, in spite of all the efforte of doctor, nurse, and devoted 
wife, would be goaded on to madness by these melancholy musicians. 
Twopence from the open window, would have sent them into the 
next street, and it is evident that thej couldn't have come to play 
there by the doctor's orders. This music has a bad effect, because it 
forces the audience to wonder what it is ('*How I wonder what 
you are P "-tDe. Watts), and for what purpose it is there. 

The thing is neither rich nor rare, 
But why the deuce is it put there P 

Adapted QuotatioH. 

And these questions would not occur to them were the musicians in 
their usual place. Whatever draws away the attention of the 
audience from the action heiore their eyes, is, though useful and 
necessary to a conjuring trick on the stage, worse than useless, and 
quite unnecessary, in such a touohingly simple piece as this : and, 
apropos of " waiti" Me. Montague need hardly be reminded of the 
effect in technical language, of all " waite " on an audience how- 
ever tavourably disposed. , „. ^ ^. , , - 

There is nothing theatrical calling for any particular remark from 
me, as your Representetive. By the way, in a foolish book, with 
which You, Sir, who know all foolish books, arepossibly acquainted, 
and need not to be supplied with ite name by Your Representetive, 
I found a burlesque speech on that of Hamlefs, where he quarrels 
with Laertes, delivered by Footb, who, the writer says, was 
'* extravagantly otUrS " in his performance of Hamlet at Bath. It 
runs thus: " But 'tjs no matter— let Hercules himself do what he 



the cat will— tne dog— «C.. «;c."— isnu xnis my jjora uunareary 
down to the ground P The book wherein I found this was published 
eighty-nine yean ago, and though, as I've said before. You, Sir, of 
course will remember it and all that therein is, yet it is not unul 
nearly ninety years have passed away that it has come under the 
notice of . Youe Rbpeesentativb. 

P.S. On d».— The talented oomp<fcer of "Spring I Spring! gentle 
Wpily dedicated (it to Mlle. Lulu. '^Gentle," 



'," has most r*-— ^ »— 

" • • — '— . But no matter. "Flow 

on, thou shining juviiee i " jj or me sace of simple pianofortiste I 
hope he will, in future compositions, avoid accidentals, which lead 
to mishaps: but the advice is perhaps superfluous, as RtviEee 
would naturally run into C. AhemI Good night, and bless yoo. 



Digitize 
A ""Capital Liotenbe.— The Auditor-General. 



>gle 



Jahuabt S5, 187d«] 



PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVARL 



Z5 




OUR DOMESTIO PROSPECTS. 

lEfe we to judge hj tbe 
adTiifti««meiiti, the time 
ii clearly coming whea 
BfiiranU will require to be 
fihowB a written ohoraoter^ 
when they ohoone to (loa- 
desoend to apply for a new 
place. Ladies wishing to 
engage an under- kitmieii 
maid^ for instanoe. yyUl 
be expected to prodcee a 
letter statitig their ifood 
qualities, aud recommeud- 
iug them as kind and hofi- 
pitkble rnktreaseB to ier- 
vanta who may think worth 
their while to enter their 
employ raent* Erery lady 
will, in ihortj find it need- 
ful to provide hertelf with 
duly sifned eredentials, 
eertifyiaf that her ier- 
vanta have had nothing 
to oomplaiE of while they 
hare remained with her, 
and that they can find 
not a word to say againit 
her when they hare gone 
to marry the huteher, or 
the haker, or the candle- 
itiek- maker, of any ttill 
more eli|?ible lorer of 
their ehoice. 
Without pretendingr to muoh power iu the eeience of olairvoyanoe, 
we think we can foresee the days when ladiea wanting aervante will 
find themselTea c/bliged to advertise their own irood charaoter and 
qualitiea, and to state ii they have given iatisfaotion in their 
kitohen, and whether they are competent to fulfil the many dutiea 
now expeoted of a miatreas hj thoBe who otioupy the top and bottom 
of her house. Mes. A. B« will announce that she is liberal, good- 
natured, and indulgent to her aervanta, and allowB them every 
liberty they may feel inclined to take, Mes. R Q. will affirm that 
she ean ahow a ten yean' character, and that Chri&tmaa- boxes are 
ahnndant at her honse* Or Lady X. T. Z. wiH state that the ia 
highly recommended, and that in ofTering herself for a mifltreaB^a 
ntuation she is wOling to be taken uiM>n trial for a month. 

In fact, if things go on aa they have reoentl^ been going, there ia 
no telling what indncements may be offered in the newspapere to 
servants who are willing to ooenpy a plaee, ^* Followers, of course, 
allowed, and f ornuhed with (Jood Suppers^" wUl be a oommon poat- 
soript to be added to advertisements : and even scullery- maids will 
be ptomiBed that a ailk dress will he found them to adorn their 
Sundays out. Plain cooks will he informed that pernuiaites and 

Solicemen will be permitted at discretion, and that a cold dinner on 
nnday is sufficient for the familjr, although a hot one for the 
kitehen wiH be sanctioned, if required* Ladies^- maida will bear 
that their mifltresiea* new bonnets are always at their servioe when 
they want to go a-Tisiting, and that once a fortnight they wilt have 
a carriage foand them for paying morning calls* Moreover^ hmim- 
maids will be told that a Bhqad wood's grand piano is provided in 
their parlour, and that weekly aingLng-leaaoaa will be given them 
"free gratia" if they so deaire : while nearly every advertisement 
will contain a final paragraph to the effect that once a month at 
letflt, or oftener, if requisite, an upper servanta* baU will be given 
in the drawing-room, whieh footmen with tine whiakera aiid^from 
the very higheat famiUea are imyited to ftttend. 



LOOK AT HOME. 

ABUTRATioir.— Bbmiol, Thdbsdat BvmxMO.— a 



ttxnniiJt __ , _ 

Wis hfia here to-^y tot the vnrpote ofpromotinff international 
fat Merthyr l^dvil, pomted 6ut that 



Ooufenim Wis 1 

arhitrmtion. Mr. H. BiOKaiKn,' M.P. , ,- -, ^ 

when diffleulties arose between eonmimities there was no reoogniied means or 
settled tribmud to wtioh those dSifbrenoes ooidd be referred finr paeifio and 
rational settlemeat He urged that the Powers of Europe should oe invited 
to select a Oongress of Jurists to settle international law, and that a tribunal 
should be oraated to admia^ter it, before whieh nations oonld plead, and by 
whoie deeisions they diould be bound. Mr. Biohard oonsiderad tlmt Eng- 
land should take the initiative ; and backed up. as she would be, by America, 
he had no doubt it would have an eflbot througnout the civilised world which 
would do more than anything else that had been done for the establishment 
of permanent and univenaf peace. Ma. 8. Morlet, M.P., exmessed his 
hearty sympathy with the object of tiie OonfBrence, and his intentton to sup- 
port Mr. Biohard in the resolution which he intended to submit to the House 
of Commons.*'— i>(i% iVewf, Friday, Jan. 17. 

Look at home, yon who We the itoh of oosmopolitan refonningj 
Ere yon taokle motes in ofthers* e^ea, nee beams oleared from your 
own: 
While godlees, ragged ontoaats in yonr tlnma and gaolB are 
awarmingi 
Why to white#t8h little Uaoks o'er lea hayo miasion-tnimpetB 
Mown? 

Here's Merthyr's Q^uaker Member- is't in blindness or in mockery P— 
Light of a Bristol Conferenoe, for chaining dogs of war, 

And preventing future smashes of international erockery, 
By congresses of Jurists, jaw to substitutft for jar. 

If there 's a pitvin«[ Power above who knghs at human folly. 
What peals shonld shake the heavehs as this hroad-hrimmed iron 
lord 

Comes hot from internecine strife o* thjB strike to fire his Tolley 
At War's waste'and the sinf nlneis ot settling strengths by sword I 

Wl|^ Capital and Labour kt his door in hnll-dog grapple^ 
Thongh one in tongue and one in creed, in country and in face. 

Spite of talkers and of writers, and the yoioe of Chnroh and Chapel, 
To shew np such warfare's madness, and the rights of either cafte. 

While in Merthyr's misty ihonntafn^ for the ftit^^ busy brattle. 
Is the dead silence, not of peace, but rest between the rounds, 

Comes RiCHAnn, brow and lumds still stained with grime and gore 
of battle. 
To tell the world how battle may he banished from its bounds I 

A simple secret ! Here it is, for a new Poor Richard's preaching. 
To iron-lords and colliers, and others, not a few • . . 

** Be jost, true, and unselfish : dhan ill-gains and over-reaching ; 
Do nnto others as yon would that they should do to you. 

''Live, ui a word, the^life Christ taught— and lived as well as 
taught it ; 
And then, I '11 answer f or^it, that War will be no more : 
For, in Strikes aa well as Stated they '11 have dropped the tools 
that wrought it, 
No Bench of Jurists to be feed, no Bichabdsbs to bore." 



Don't Wo? 

Wk *eic informed that in Happy Japan, 

Folks are free to believe what they can ; 
But if tbev come teaching. 
And preacning» and aoreeehing, 

*-«/ go off to gaol in a van. 

Bon t you wiah ihu was Happy Japan f 



Theri 



I 



A CAI»'GAfCH£R« 

Ajt advertiJiement describes a certain artist performing at the 
A^eultural Hall as *' the hijewest Athlete in the world, hailed every 
night by the Ptibho as the TiOHBounE of the Arena*" Why bo Y 
TbBTiQBMomng ia a little boy ; and the name of the big Athlete u 
Du^Bois, and not Cabtro. 



"BLESS THEE, THOU ART TRANSLATED." 

The Oswestry Advertiser, after describing Mr, Punches last 
Cartoon, quotes the speech of the miner's wife, and adds :^ 

** Or to render it into the langua^ that was spoken In Eden and will be 
epoken in Hsavcn, * He, Misdyr ! Gwedwch chi fynoch chi boiti'r balot 'na 

Kdtk*ohpolticSf tase balet gyda'r strikes ma, i wyddoch chi baa^'n hen wr i 
^ yn y gwaith, yn ceiso ennill tamed o gino i mi a*r erots 'ma. — Hene i 
chi." 



We haye some notion that the last three words mean " There 's 
for yen," which is a phrase of South Wales. Bnt if this is the talk 
" on the side of tlie angels," we are not quite so sure of being in 
concord with Msl, Disraxli. And is there no WeLdiangelic word 
for "Strike"? We must look into Mn/roir, who has reoorded snoh 
an event. 

Meantime it is delightful to see the work that Mr» Punches Car- 
toon has already done. It was pubUihed on the Wednesday, and 
on the Friday 

<*The workmen employed at the Bkina Ironworks, in Monmouthshire, 
held a meetmg, at which a Ballot was taken of the feeUngs of the men. 
Upwards of 700 men, both colliers and ironworkers, voted, and the result was 
that a majority of S68 declared in Aevout of the hnmedkte resumption of 
work." 

When Mr, Ptsneh oomiders whai he does for the nation, he is 
tempted to echo, with a yariatioiL the celebrated speech of the great 
LoBD CLiyi, and to deoliKre that ne is ast(mished at Himself. 



■MUriate^ifaa 



^^ga^riaMjaMfaMBMrw^ rr t ■fifcaMMnaa 



36 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Jahxtabt 25, 1873. 




A HAPPY MAN. 



InquiaUke Lady, " Who, may I ask, abb those Theeb Tall Ladies Singing I *• 

Ctnrim'mieaiivoe Stranger. ** The Miss Bilderbooibs.'* 

InqumHvc Lady, " Thet seem rather Remarkable Persons ! " 

CimmMrwuUive Stranger, ** Quite so. By all who are so Favoured as to Possess' the Privileoe of their Aoqttaintance, 
they are with justice admitted to be Morally, Physically, and Intellectually Pmrfsox/' 

Inquisitive Lady. ''Dear me t And the Lady at the Piano!" 

CommtmicaHve Stranger, "She was also a Miss Bilderboqy, Indeed, she was by far the most transcendenily oipfed of 
them all." 

InquUitvve Lady, "Dear me! Then is she so no Longer T' 

Communicative Stranger, " On the Contrary. Marriage has Improved her ! " 

Inquisitive Lady, ** Good Gracious I And whom did she Marry, pray I" Oommumcative Stranger, " Me." 



> QUI VA LA? 

" You, Sentry, at the ontposte, beeide the line of snows, 

On the ridge where Ozos westward, and Ladns southward flows. 

What see yon, as 'twizt Iran and Turan you look forth. 

Over Kundooz and Toorkistan to Khiva, East and North P " 

The Sentry, to this question, said nothing in reply ; 

But first he cocked his rifle, and then he oockedThis eye. 

I knew the man I gnestioned* Pbiyatk Graitvillb was his name, 

A smart and steady soldier— of soldier's blood he came : 

A pleasant chap in barrack-room, or round the cantecm-fire, 

On duty flrst to stand to arms, and last on march to tire. 

So I thought there was something in it, when, instead of a reply, 

He coolly cocked his rifle, and as coolly cocked his eye. 

Then, when his rifle he had cocked, and his eye had brought to bear 
Where beyond Balch and Bokh&ra loom the Ehiyan pastures fair, 
Like a green ribbon lying 'twizt border-breadths of sand. 
Wide 80 Syr-Daria's stream feeds fat a space of hungry land; 
Thither the Sentry nointed, and with look serene and sly, 
First brought his rifle to half-cook, and then un-cooked ma eye. 



''I see," he laid, " a wmething I 'd rather not have leen, 




my eye. 



He's still a long way off 'tis true: but my lungs I won't spare. 
If he's an ear, to make him hear my challenge, '*Who goes 
ttiereP" 

*' But who can tell if he 's coming our way. or if he 's not P 
I should think he 's out of hearin£[, as much as out of shot. 
And surely 'tis too soon to call, with all this gray and green. 
And all this range of desert, and this mountain-maze between." 
But Sentry Grakyille onlv smiled, and winked, and made reply, 
'** No harm in a timely challenge, cooked rifle, and cocked eye. 

" This Indian ground is English ground-in guard that land we 

hold: 
'Twas bought with Johit Bull's blood, and but for Bull's blood 

irill be Bola: 
If I see suspicious parties at its frontiers appear, 
I like to know what they're about, before they get too near ; 
So if to my * Who goes there P " A friend.* green uniform reply, 
I'll bid Mm •advance, and give the word,*— you know the reason 

why. 




JoHK Bvus some day will find 'em coming up between hialegs, 
And the stand he has in India he f eeLi would have more strength. 
If this boring kind of gent^ are kept well at arm's length. 



Digitized by 



Google 



Januabt 25, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



39 



** 'Tie juit a hundred yean sinoe our friend in ^^reen flnt made 

Upon the trihes of Khiya a well-intentioned raid : 

No doaht he had provooation, aa he had, I don't deny, 

When, heaten hack, he tried it on, some thirty years flfone hy ; 

And 80 when half a year ago he tried it on amin, 

And Mackosoff, withloes of oamp and headv, to holt was fain* 

'* After Ehiya oomes Bokhara, then Enndooz, and then GanhikL 
And tiien yon have John Russiak at oloee qnartera with John Bttll. 
Now, I 'Te no donht his intentions are as rood as ther can hoi 
But the further Bull and he are o£ the hotter they 'U agrree ; 
So I hope yon '11 think it safer, while there is space to spars, 
Fiofli behind a loaded rifle, to dhiikiige ' Who goes there f ' ^ 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

The Last of The Nook^De Jjunatico Inqmrendo^tkitther 
Informathri'^To Let—FinM. 

S see Ihd Ghtftlener 
approaching. Up the 
kitchen garden walk : 
dancing. A flower- 
pot is on his head, 
which drops off. and 
a whip is in his hand. 
His hair anyhow; he 
hasn't got as far as 
straws. 

'*He's a ratting 
inayiac I " exolums 
my Annt, and with 
groat presence of 
mind begins to retreat 
slowly towards the 
honse, keeping her 
thnmb <m die spring 
of her snnshade ; 
having it tagoe idea 
that to put it np snd- 
denly is a staggerer 
for a lunatic. 1 hope 
she won't do it, as it 
might make hitq 
worse. 

"Colonel Cut," says 
Enolxmobs, briefly. 
I beg him to be calm, and pretend not to notice anything extra- 
ordinary in the Ghmlener's manner. 
Happy Thought,— YteUmdi. 

We go to work to pretend. My Annt retreating. I say to the 
man^* How are you getting on ? '* 

/^Well," he replies, briskly. <*The Mikaim) himself couldn't 
wish for more, except glass with care. Here's a treat for His Royal 
Highness! 

He lifts np a flower-pot, and shows ns, planted underneath, an 
upright stick with a red herring fastened to it by a bit of red 
riband. 

*' That's my idea," he says, with pride. *' That's ornamental 
and fancy gardening. I 'm burning Guy Fawkes at the end there." 
Then he adds, myst^iously, '' Not a word to the Duke." 

Pointing to the garden implements all planted in a row, he asks, 
** What do you thuk of that P" 
Enolekobe repliet, nervously, ** Capital I couldn't be better." 
'MTou don't tmnk so," returns the Gardener, suspiciously. 

'"'"'" "" ' * an interest in 

PI ask. 




EvoLBMORE, regaining courage, suggests, '* Japanese Toiorr P" 

''ToxxtI " shouts the mad Gardener (for there is no doubt about 
it any longer). " You ain't a Fortyfold Jersey Blue, are you P " 

EvoLBHOBB nervously twitehes my sleefe, and wants me to come 
away. No, I must keep my eye on him. 

Hanpy Thoughi.-^-DtmR him in eonversatiolL while iom one 
goes for a Pdieeman. Who P BmoacoBi might stay with him, 
while / go and fetch a Constable. How to comanmioate this to 
EkglxkokbP Await opportunity. 

'* These will grow and be frvitfnL HushI Don't you heaf the 
seeds coming up. Why, if you want to know all about gardeoing. 
Ton must stand on your head and listen. Oaa yon stad on your 

**No; butthenyouseel'mnotaGirdnwr." 
" I can. 8o oan celery sauoe*'^ 

Happy 2!%otijR*Here's an opportunity. WhOo he's on his 
head, secure hisiegs. 



He does not, however, alter his position. He continues, cunningly . 

I don'i, and I won't, because of my hair. Turnips, carrots, and 
The Whfte Incomparable can do what they like— I say nothing ; it 's 
not my business, having been His Majesty's faithful servant for 

ysaff Biit"-^rt^ he creeps up to me cautiousljr and whispers 

—** who's the Emerald Ringleader, with ordiids in ms eyes, who's 
hiding in the ivy P " 

Enolekobb says, briskly, "Well have him out I'll go and 
collar him." 

The man stops him, taking Enolbmobv by the arm. Ekolsmobb 
looks at me helplessly* The Gardener holds him ftat. 

** Don't I" he whispers hurriedly. "Don't do it I He's an 
Odontofflossos Pelargomum t If he 's disturbed, he 11 shoot me.'^ 

"No ne won't," says Bkolbvobx. soothingly. 

" He Will ! " cries the unfortunate lunatic, emphatically. " The 
MiBABo has sent him for l^e turnip-juice. He 's eot a pistol ! '' 

" Has he I " says &raLB]COBB, more nervously than over, and ftot 
liking to contradict him again* 

*' Hae Aef" the Gardener etclaims. ironically. " Why you 
knowhehae! Ton 'ire a Gladioli Gkuddavensis. Bat they 've only 
put grapes in it. / 'm got a hulkt in mine ! " 

Good Heavens I 

Happy Thought,—! ask him, as Calmly as I can, to show tte the 
weapon. 

He releases Englekobb (who takes this opportunity of gettiblr 
near the kitdhen-door), and fumbles in a breast pocket of his waist- 
coat. . ^ 

•• With a flowering stock," he murmurs to himself. " I alwavs 
keep V m hj rne. T Ve written a letter about 'em, and I thought 
yoTi *d kindly g-ive it to the Diike tor me." 

Ho ifi wanderLns agaiiif and I begin to think the pistol a myth. 
I assure him that I will take every care of his letter if ne will intrust 
it to me. Or — - 

Hft^py ThfMghL^R^ eon* I suggest, himself take it to the post- 
oflioe m the villaf©. 

Once ontf he sWi^t (iome in again. Only couldn't I be indicted 
for turninp? a fn&dinan out Im^ pn the roadP To look him up 
Would be beat. Eat where F Hii room is in a smaU cottage on the 
preiaisei next the itable. tf he oould only be enticed in there I 

Happy Tho7*^hL--'* Where *e your coat P " I ask him. 

He shgikes hii head and Bmi]e». " I burnt it, so as to put 'em off 
the Boent. Chlukweed and cinders is what Hre must come to at 
laBt.'' He suddenly bestirs himaelf. "Earth up celery I Right 
shouldera forward I Big up vines, top, dibble, and dust-pans I" 
Then he adds, with a wink of inexpressible slyness, " train up your 
Gloxinias in silk stockings, and you'll soon see who 's the ohumpy 
Radish." Then suddenly, " You'll excuse me for a moment, but 
there 's a friend of mine at the bottom of the pond^and I must just 
go and see him. It 's after hours, you know." fie bows with the 
utmost politeness, and walks away hurriedly. 

Now whut am I to do f 

Happy Thought.—Qo in-doors. and keep him out. 

So much is certain to begiii with. And so much I do. The Rag 
Doll housekeeper says, " I didn't like to tell you afore ^" 

This is so odd. Servants ^ever do like to acquaint you With any- 
thing unpleasant— specially in the way of breakages, when after 
being dumb for menus they are quite surprised to find that only one 
out of your two dozen choice pet glasses remains uninjured— the 
fractures having, of course, happened "afore they come to the 
place "'-until you know all about it yourself, when you find that 
they've known it for ever so long, generally, "since they first 
corned." 

She says, " I didn't like to tell you afore,"-sniff, and cotner of 
apron used'^" but the young man as seemed strange, as I said, 
Sir "—sniff, apron, curtsey— '^ but he keeps on a saving as there 's 
some pusson with a long name 'id in the hivy, which he has a loaded 
firearms to go to look slier him with." 

" Have you seen it P " 

" No, not asackly ; "—sniff--" leastways, I *ve heard it as he was 
shootin' them spurrows." 
" A gun P " asks ENeLBMOBB. 

" No,. Sir," answers the Rag Doll : "which it ain't not aisaokly a 
gtm, nor Tct a pistol, nor bntmbletmss, but them new thinn as 
goes round a' round and off ever so many times at once ; im' I think 
as the young man said as it ware a garden name, oonvovolus, or 
suchlike." 

" Revolvcir t " ezdlafans my Aunti irho has a good car for verbal 
mistakes. ^ ... 

"Wmy likely. Mum." Sniff. •• I knowd it were sumfin o^ that. 
Look, Mum, if he ain't at it now." 

From the window we see him. He is hlOf hiddtfi behiiia tit 

apple-ti^, but Ire catch a glimpse ti otae am Irith & ^std in its 

hand, changing its aim every second. ^^ ^ 

We lock all the doors. '^{^oc^lr 

"You see," says EbolbicobI, **it Isn't aale for Kstoi* macbnim 

to be about Colonel Constable ought to be on in this soene." 



40 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Januabt 25, 1873. 




A CHEERFUL WINTER. 

Mr. Rawlinson's deliohtfttl Sugoestion that we should let in as much Cold Air as possible, awd sit in Warm Wraps, is 

LIKELY TO BE ENFORCED BT THE PRICE OF COALS. BeHOLD A ScENE FROM THE *< MeRRY ENGLAND OF THE FUTTTRE." 



y HeayenB I " exclaims my Aunt, " yon tee if one oixuigo out, he 
miffht shoot, thinking it wa9 hiB enemy coming oat of the iyy. I 
wish ire 'd never come down here," 

Bedded. Annt, little Uncles, and None to ffo to town at once, 
Englkmobe to see them from the front gate down to the railway, 
and to call in on his way for police. 

The whole kitchen garden is in utter disorder. The " Lnniac " Is 
now engaged in hreaking a few glass frames with a rake, occasionally 
stopping to draw his pistol, and present it at some imaginary foe. 

Ii the police won't come, if it 's illegal to take up a mad senrant, 
then, what shall we do when the night comea on, and we can't see 
where he is? 

I watch him from the flrst-floor window. 

He has got a ladder. He is coming towards the hoose. 

Happy Thowfht.^(hi hehind a curtain. Mustn't let him see me. 

He stops. He fixes tiie ladder so that the top comes within a foot 
of my window. I see it shaking, and he is coming up. I know that 
his pistol is in his pocket In his left hand he holds a string with 
a Isjge Spanish onion tied to it. 

'* Creepers up here," I hear him saying, ''heoause of the cats." 
He halanoes himself on the ladder, swinging the onion to and fro. 
Presently it comes, like a stone from a sling, against the window, 
smashing a pane to atoms. "Oh m7 coniferous Geranium!" I 
hear him sayine, and am conscious <n the reyolTer heing pointed 
towards the broken glass. 

Suddenly he turns on the ladder, roan with lauf hter. throws the 
pistol at something or somehody helow, and shdes down like a 
sdhoolhoy on hannisters. I Tentore to look out. Two remeot- 
ahle-looking men have got him hy tiie arms; they are taUdng 
amicably, and Efolbmobx, from helow, is maldiig ligns to me not 
to interrupt. Presently the unhappy man and his two keepers dis- 
appear. KveLDCOBi comes up and explains. 

"He is guite offOiis nut. Been little Master Out-of-the-Way 
for three weeks. Met Ck>loneI Keeper in the Yillace. From informa- 
tion receiTed^ he came up here and nohhled him." 

I annoonoe my intention of shutting up The Nook till the spring 
time. Perhaps altogether. 



I say to Englxmobb, ''to keep up a place like 
he ohseryes, parenthetically. 



"You see," 
this " 

"Mister Farm of Four Acres," 
"Yes, Colonel; go ahead." 

"Well— I mean it's yery etpdnsiye, unless it's ready made to 
hand." 

" Yes. Turnips on Tap, Pig in the Pound, Greasv Grass and 
Swan Swum oyer the Swamp. Daniel Drainage, Dicky Dirt, and 
the great Dismal Damp. I know. Eheumatios murder sleep. No 
door-mat to-night." 

" You agree with me that I 'd hotter giye it up for the present P" 
I ask. 

" Yes," replies Enolemoee, with a certain amount of hesitation. 
And then he says, " The fact is, I think your name had hotter be 
Walker. Let it while you can. You may have some difficulty." 

" In letting The Nook P What P-rent too high P " 

" No. But I 've only juat heard, here, that it has the reputa- 
tion of being " He hesitates. 

"Whatr' 

"Haunted. Your own Ghost on the premises. Dibcks and 
Peppbb. How 's your poor Gohlin P " 

" That decides me. We go. My Aunt couldn't live in a ^" 

" In a 'Aunted house," says Englehobb. adding " Mistbb 
Shabspbabb," by way of giying his authority for the pun. 

"I don't helieye in ghosts^" I say, stoutly. 

EireLBMOBB winks. " Giye a ghost a had name, and there you 
are. There wouldn't he the ghost of a chance of letting The Nook 
if it smelt of spirits." 

He is prohably right. And so we decide.^ The Nook is To Let. 

In the spring-time I may he on the look-out for some new Bural 
Betreat, where the ahsence of Mister Drainage is not a drawhack. 
Any more difficulties with Churdeners would turn my hair grey. 
For the present my name is London. Perhaps, one of these flue 
days--I mean on any day when a ray may induce us to heHeve once 
more in the Solar System— I may find ^e Paradise ^kh^i^^ 



all my fancy painted. 
Till then. Farewell. 



L^ 



Januabt 25, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



41 




LEQITIIVIATE CRtTICtSM 



Aged Village Mairm (to Sympathiting ViaUor). ''It's a 'Cookest Book,* as 
Mbs. Psnewisb, our * District Ladt/ giyb he this Christmas, Miss. I *d a 

DEAL SOONER A^ HAD THE InORIDDIMSNTS, HiSS 1 t " 



PMSTINB PEOVERBS PRBPABED POE 

PEECOCIOUS PUPILS. 

(Dedicated to the JBdueatitmal Board.) 

Obsebti yon plnmdd biped fine I 

To effect hii captiYation, 
Depoiit partioleB saline 

Upon nil termination. 

Cryptoganunii oonoretion never grows 
On mineral fragments that decline repose. 

Whilst self -inspeotion it neglects. 

Nor its own liml condition sees, 
The kettle to the pot objects 

Its sordid supemoies. 

Deoortieations of the golden grain 
Are set to allure the agM fowl, in yain. 

Teach not a parent's mother to extract 
The embryo jnioes of an era by suction ; 

That good old lady can uie feat enact 
Quite irrespectlYe of your kind instruction. 

Pecuniary agencies have &>rce 

To stimulate to speed the female horse. 

The earliest winged songster soonest sees, 
And first appropriates, the anneUdes. 

With soap, and brush, and flannel, you tickle 
In Tain, the Ethiopio cuticle. 

Bear not to yon famed city upon Tyne 
The carbonsiceous product of the mine. 

The mendicant once from his indigence freed. 
And mounted aloft on the jrenerous steed, 
Down the precii^ice so<m will infallibly go, 
And conclude his career in the regions below. 

It is permitted to the feline race 

To contemplate eiven a regallwe. , ^' 



MoBBL AuTOHOicT.— Franoe,it is said, desires a more 
stable form of Goyemment. Does she P Then let her 
adopt that of her Jockey Club. 



" 'TWAS EDWIN'S SELF THAT PRESSED." 

Mb. Edwdt Jakes has returned to Ens:land, and fearlessty 
demands that the Benchers shall re-consider nis case, and re-admit 
him to the honours of the English Bar. Mr, Punch CTclaims, in 
tiie humane language of the law, " Heayen send him a good de- 
UTeranoe." But what do the Americans say to his leaving them P 
Tearfully, perhaps, with Beaiub :— 

*< Would Edwin this mtjastio soene resign 
For aught * Britanmxa's ' puny oraft supplies ? " 

One thiog is quite certain. The learned gentleman appeals to 
Judges who are men of the world, and alw impartial men ; and if 
he can make a tabula ra$a^ he will not be hindered by any pr^u- 
dice, and^(BBATZiB again) :— 

*< Edwdt will gtio, at last, the fruit so rare, 
As in lome future Terse AmmA mesnsth to deolsre." 



Amiable Idea. 

EvEBT right-minded person must share the hope expressed by 
the Morning Pa«^ in these words :— 

** The unnustakable regard ehoim to the meaaory of the late Bhperob, and 
the maniiiBst and very marked tokens of respeot and deference paid at the 
ftmeral to the person of the young Empbbob, ought not to be without their 
effect on France." 



And may that effect be a promotion of good feeling towards 
increased 



us ; an increased sentiment of regard, esteem, and distinguished 
consideration. Let us hope that no French journaMst will suggest 
to his countrymen that the love of Englishmen for Napoleok thb 
Thibd was owing to the fact that the third Empire had brought 
France to grief. 

Hawkbb's EysKiKe Potion.— Gin-and- Water. Hie Morning 
ditto: Early PurL 



ONLY A SUGGESTION. 

It is stated that the Basingstoke Bungs availed themselves of a 
recent Ball to revenge themselves on gentlemen who were suppoeed 
to approve the licensing Act Having got the carriages and horses, 
the publicans are said to bave refused to get licence to let them be 
brought out after eleven at nif ht, but intimated that the vehicles could 
be had at six in the nuMRnng. If this is true, the Basingstoke 
Bungs are a lot of ill-comditioned fellows. But Punchy who likes 
to see everything in the sweetest Ufhti inclines to believe that there 
was an understanding between the notel-keepers and the ladies, and 
that the six o'clock in tiie mcrning arrangement was highly pleasing 
to the latter. *' A manHi foes are (sometimes) those of nis own 
household." 



Xormoniem Xade Baay. 

Oiri very notable expedient for putting down Polygamy in Utah 
was deviled by Ghibf Jitbtiob M*Kbav. According to a contem- 
porary :— 

*' On the noond that polygamiits are adulterers, and therefore ruUty of a 
deliberate Yiolation of the law, he laid it down that they were disqualifled 
flrom sitting on juries." 

Could this rule have been maintained it would bave been enough 
to make every man liable to serve on juries a polyi[amist. IT it 
were to be established in this country, the effect of its operati<m 
would, especially in Middlesex, no doubt be an immediate and 
extensive creation of British Mormons. 



' thbbe lbt thbh— lay. 



i> 



OvR excellent young friend, the Echo, quotes a Keltic paper 
which, after duly libeUing England, says, **The Irish have good , 
memories." A rude proverb teUs us that some of them should have,*^ f- 
at all events. 



|43 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[January 25, 1873. 



iTHE WEATHER AND THE CHACE. 

souTHBRLT wind and'^a 
olondy sky" used to 
proolaim a hunting 
morning." The late 
rains, however, have 
proved too much of a 
^ood thing for Yenator, 
in places. They have 
especialiy affeoted thfi 
neighbourhood of Wind- 
sor, laying a large por- 
tion of it under water. 
Eunnymede has been 
running at a rate the 
like of which has seldom 
ii ever occurred since 
toe date of Magna 
Charta, and oertamly 
would not have hap- 

emed then, or else 
unnymede would have 
been a site whereon it 
would have beea quite 
impossible to lay the 
foundations of British 
Liberty. Windsor Castle 
stands on an Ararat 
which.'yet rears its head 
above the deluge; and 
long may it do so ; but 
the following am^ounce- 
ment appeared the other day in the mozning papers :— 

"Her Hajbstt's Staohoumds.— Owing to the extremely wet weather, 
Her Majetty'g Houndi will not hant on f'riday, as adyertued; nor again 
until farther notice." 

The Stags may thank the weather whieh has preserved them tram 
being chased by Her Majesty's Hounds, but, as those royaJ animals 
are not permitted to kill them, it is possible that they would rather 
have been regularly hunted than baited in the way they have been 
now for three months, whilst it has rained cats and dogs. Not oidy 
dogs, observe, but oats ; so that the weather must not only have 
been unpleasant for bucks and does, but equally so for " rats and 
mioe and such smajl deer,'' which are the quarry of the feline species. 




RETAIL TRADERS, BEWARE I 

Mr. Pukoh begs to apprise the Retail Trade that its time has 
oome. Ud with all the Shutters I Announce Sale by Auction at 
any Sacrifice. Listen to the Lancet :— 

** The iMt i% that retail trade is gone mad. There are tu more shop- 
keepers thaa the wants of the jniblic require, and ther think themselyes 
eaUtled |o aU the luxuries and enjovmenta of life. Their wiTOi^ glorious in 
■nalilrin jackets and redundant jewellery, are to be seen ever j whore ; aed the 
pretensiom of the class are becoming a nuisance that it is high time to put 



Put H dowm, tfaoB,— pfeteiifl«i| elase» imlHkia-ja<^Mte^ and all I 
Surae^ oamiftx I The Xotsee^ and the Profeeiion have toe matter 
in their own hands. II every Medical Man will undertake to extern 
minate— of course in a regular way— a single streetful of retaikn 
and their families, tiie bnamees may be done in the twinkling of a 
pestle and mortar. 

*' Charge for the golden guineas. Upon them with the— Xomm^." 



Paaaing Oddities. 

Thb wavfarer doee read some strange announcements. At 
Enightsbriage, a few days ago, ha may have observed a shop- 
iHndow staek full of hilb, wwie offeiiiif, ia large ktten, ''Oas 
Stoveik" and othevi. inftenninglad with them. ''Skater" Season- 
able advertiaementa daring the late weather. Ln the New Turnstile, 
Holboni, an inseription on the wall pfodaims **Ctotlem«n*s Repairs 
Done." Within one would ima«^ a surgery. The reality ia a 
boot-shop. 

^< Bis dat qui oito dat.'^ 

!^I8 means that he who gives ouiokly is usually asked to give 
again. Jkfora/.— Take your time, ana a good deal of somebody else's, 
before you grant a favour. Better moral,— Never grant one. 



AN UNDB8IR1BLV FALL IN GOLK 

'^Ma. H. GoLB. G.B.— On Wednesday erening, ia distributiaf the priset 
to the ittcceBsful students of the Nottingham 9ohool of Art» Ma. H. Cols, 
C.B., announoed his intention of retiring from public seryiBe, of which he 
would next April hare completed iffcy years." 

'*'ABruAdeMrabfefaUuieea).'? Ni^, JTn Pim«A, not wh** 

* There's no sooh thing»^ aa Sb4K9p«a&i m^ by mj ooat-^ bills 

well I know.'' 
" yes— 'tis trc^'-my 4sar Jour Bull; you'll act^airittwtetl 

say. 
When I teUyeu that I refers CoLi, with ttue %' aad withoijii the 

*a,' 

" YHien I teM you that I refer ta Knre Oolx, t» Henat Coli^ G.B., 
The true stean-CoLs that got i^ the i^eam far * th^ kvsi^' that 

used^be: 
And blew, and blew tiU heUew them at lairt aft the way to S^^uial 

Green, 
And blew up ia their plaoe at Soulki Eensingtou the pali^ that's 

now to be seen. 

'* Yes, a cheese-paring admuaiatratiQA all soita ol ' mixed {«el ' may 

try, 
Bat for getting up steam— or «isoke at need— thwo'a mmfi if¥k old 

Gols to vie : 
What, but power of hi^ eai^endering, would have gath^ied South 

Kensington's glories ? 
Who can reckon how many horse-power hie 's hro^^ to hear upon 

Whigs and Tories P 

'' Punch may have laughed, and afilk others to bpig^ aA the it^B of 

oldKnTG Cole, 
But at bottom, he knew, as the old song says, tfeuat be wa« *' a jolly 

old soul ! ' 
That ne'er before did England so well his Fine- Art hohhy ii^tal. 
Even when his fiddlers a thousand not three he bade to the Albert 

Hall! 

'* What courage short of his coujr«CO would have dared to la^ and 

floor 
The sense that an Exhibitioii ea(fk yoar is a yearly bore ? 
What stubbornness, but his stubbornness, would the purse-strings' 

commuid have won. 
From six Chancellors of the Exchequer— one down and another 

come on P 

'* If Art in England is e*er if> take root— some may think that a 

largeish ' if '— 
She may thank Edtg Cole, her friend at heart, in spite of many a 

tin I 
If ScicQce is e'er to bear English fruit, unless in practice's soil. 
Of its grafting and planting in our schools EiKe Cols has borne the 

'* And when, after fifty years' hard work, King Cole takee his reat 

at last. 
Punch will call for a 'three times three for him,' for faithful service 

past: 
ICay whatever King rMgoa after him not make us regret King 

Cole — 
Who has done his King's work right royally, and is a jolly old soull" 



0.9. D. 

The new and Isamed Judge of the Probate Cooit has decided that 
a certain testator was of pmecUy sound mind, although he was in 
the habit of asserting that watering-place l andladies are, mostly, 
extortionate sharks. '* Althous^ " is, probably, not the word which 
Paterfamilias would have useoT 



Help the Kelpleea. 

WxnoBSD itreet-boya are not to be rescued and SMjt to sohool, 
says Me. Fosstee, because that would be interfering with the nghta 
ol the subject. But what about the nghti of the al^eot P 



«« Hands OlFl " 



Fiinch would say, with SHAK8PEAKE,™Hang him, foul Collier I "' 



FlBBUABT ], 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKL 



43 







PBB80HAL EXPBBISVOE BBTTIB THAH BOOK-LEABIIHG. 

(ihvemesi, *• Weli» and so thby kxpoet Wheat and Cotton. Now, tou 've 
Whbat in the Eab, but not CottomV* 

Pvpik *' 0, YES, I HAVEl QrAMD*PA^ YOU KNOW !" 



A PHiGRIM'S PBOGRE8S, 

U DiUyfor Db. MASKnre.) 

Bats UltnunontuiiBm, 
" Ctf Progress I 'm no enemy, 

Bnt the friend: that 's clear as a prism ! 
And io say all troe men o' me* 

*' Gauuo dedared Earth moved. 

His system of solar economy 
I cordially approved ; 

Endorsed his views of Astronomy. 

" In Chemistry nought I see 
That makes against my theology. 

Quite orthodox to me 
Are the teachings of Geology. 

"I allow belief to be free 
In the facts of Paleontology ; 

Should like you to trace the tree 
To the root of Anthropology. 

' I forbid no soul to teach 



>logy. 

" I encourage and urve research, 

Into all the truth of historv. 
There 's hought so good for the Church, 

As the explanation of mystery. 

'' Biblical Criticism 

I laud with all sincerity : 
To Ultramontanism 

'Tis the very test of verity. 

** Of Progress, why, my pace 

Is that of extreme rapidity. 
I have always led the race — 

With a mm ti um ti iddity I " 

Words and Maaaing. 

Thb National Education League are re- 
spectfully invited to consider whether they 
have any objection to allow the Bible to be 
read in district Schools in its original laa- 
gnages. With equal respect, the friends of 
relii^ous education are requested to bethink 
them whether it might not as well be read in 
Hebrew and Greek, as in English without 
explanation. 



PHYSIC FOR THE PEOPLE. 

A LBADiNe artide in the Time$ on ** Hospital Relief ," written by 
somebody who understands his subject, contains the following note- 
worthy passage relative to an important truth in connection with it, 
pomted out by Db. Chaitdlib :— 

*' The worthy Doetor laji that what the people really want ia, not dmgi, 
but good adrioe; that ia,niloa of health, waniiiig agiSnat fooliah neglaoto, 
and common precaation. It ia moit true. Bnt it ia unhappily alao true that 
there ia nothing the poor like ao little aa good adrioe. They conaider 
medicine a myiteiy of a Terypretematural ohaiaeter : the drug a charm, 
which ia to work a miracle. The plainer a thing ia to the unaiaiated leaaon. 
the leaa they will belicTc it They want to be told how they may be cured 
in a day. They would rather take the moat nauaeoua wiftdiflinft than obey the 
aimpleat and eaaieat adyioe." 

The irrational notions of medidne above indicated are, indeed, 
very generally characteristic of the poor, that is to say, the indigent 
classes. But thev characterise also a great many other poor of a 
certain sort, of whom many are rolling in rents and dividends, and 
all are in easy droumstanoes, but who, reepectinff medical knowledge 
and medical reasoning, labour under poverty of ideas and poverty 
of intellect. With regard to this kind of poor a Doctor of Medicine 
may say, in the words of a Doctor of Divinity and a Poet :— 

** Whene'er I take my walka abroad 
How many poor 1 lee ! " 

The affluent, for the most part, equally with the destitute, believe 
in drugs, and do not believe in the natural laws, and the necessity 
of the observance of physiological conditions, notably those of diet 
and exercise, to the cure of any serious disease. Is not this mental 



poverty lamentaUeP Quite the reverse to a very considerable 
numbor of persons ; all the Chendsts and Druggists, whom it profits, 
and all tiie Medical Practitioners who live by relieving mere sym- 
ptoins, and keeping their patients, radically unoured, as long as 
possible on their nands. 

In the article above-quoted occurs also this pertinent and season- 
able question :*«- 

<< Wh^ cannot the Working Claaiea of the Metropolia, and all who will daim 
the prinlegea of that title, form themaelyea into Sick Friendly Claba, under 
any medioal ataff th^ may haye their own reaaon to prefer ? " 

The Working-Men, not only in London, but throughout the king- 
dom, find no difficidty whatsoever in forming themselves into Trades' 
Unions. It would be not at all more difficult for them to form 
themselves likewise into Sick or Invalids' Unions. Possibly oirenm- 
stances will ere long force them into this desirable kind of co-opera- 
tion. It was all very well, in accordance with the tradition of other 
days, for the Clergy to preach up munificence to medical charities, 
upon ** Hospital Sunday." But the classes whom sermons on behalf 
of those institutions are calculated to benefit will soon perhaps find 
themselves left to maintain them by their own efforts ; by combina- 
tion, sudi as the Trades' Unionists practise in their continual Strikes, 
wherebv they keep on raising the ibices of meat and almost everv- 
thing else. Consumers, daily more and more impoverished by the 

general dearth they owe to the combinations of workmen, cannot 
ut fed indined to leave them to combinci and do what tney can 
for themsdves altogether. People whom strikes oblige to economise 
thdr expenditure will naturally begin retrenchment b v withdrawing 
all the subscriptions which they have been accustomed to contribute 
to the assistance of the Striking Classes. 



VOL. Lav. 



44 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Fbbkuabt 1, 1873. 



CLASSICAL INTELLIGENCE. 




00 K here, Mn Funvht don't 1 just wish I Hwd in Fmnce I— 
at least, I don't kn^w that quite, 'caufee th«?y don't pliiy 
oricket, do thej Y But at any rat^a I wUk ihty 'd tetu;h as 
Lfttm here like the ohape are taught in Pans, /nst see what 
that jolly old Julrs Simon has been doin^ for them :-^ 

** He never meant to check the study of the noble dead languagee, whieh taught hiBtory 
and fostered oiyiliiation : but he wai petiuaded they might be learned quicker and better 



than under the old lyttem. He had only luppreiied the useleia 
drudgery of making Ijatin yersea." 



« . Myeyel Ain't old Julbs a jolly 
Fancy what the iDoctor wonld say to any fellow 



UaeleeB drudgery ! 
briok ! Fancy what the DooVot wouia say to any leiiow 
who called making Latin yerses only downright useless 
dmdger;^ I And I 'm oooknive hall our feuows don't 
believe it's any better. Poeta nascUur, you know, and 
you oan't make fellows poets by making them make 
verses. Even nonsense vsnes are a regular beastly 
nuisance. Why, I got mtdy swished, last half, for 
putting this for a pentanster,— 

** mihi g$m%tum ! B$mgaglia dnm J ** 

So I say. Vive Jmas SdionI Let's kick 9ut the 
Ghradus, and so f«tm«Fe1aBe for football. 



Yoar osoitaBt fsidnr and admirer. 

Suns, Minimus. 
Dr, Swiskm^s^ Tuesday. 



OomprolMBiive. 



Wb see iHBwmoad for publteation a Series of English 
Readers^ whieli, it is stated, *' will be found to embrace 
some eatirdy new fe atuf s a ." What other features, 
besides tiiMs w«ll-kB0iiii «iid old-established ones, the 
eyes and month, «an «ny set of reading books eall into 
eelion ? Perhaps tbe publiidMra are not oontented with 
ikese, and have some great i^siological disoovery in 
as ft soiprise for us alL 



FALLACr OF IHB FAOULTT. 

PoTHicnuufS often prescribe Change of Air when the 
change really required for the poor patient's cure is 
Change of Circumstances. 



ABOVE OUR SPHERE. 

^' A oinuouB book is on the point of publication. The author seriouBly 
profeatee to give, from actual ezperienoe, a matter-of-fact account of the laws, 
mannen, and customs of a kiugdom situated in one of the planets of the solar 
system. The tiUe of the book is ' Another V^Torld.' **—Athsn<mm. 

Will the Author of this book— which we observe is now published 
—be geed enough to gratify a pardonable curiosity, and answer a 
few qvestions respecting our fellow planetants P 

Ba^ they « National Debt P 

Emt tkey any '' Old Masters" P 

Afe they forbidden to marry their Deoeased Wives' Sisters ; or is 
it legal to do so in the North-east, ind illegal in the South- west P 

Do thi^ talk about the weather, or have they any weather to talk 
about P 

Do they take a reciprocal interest in us and our proceedings ; and 
have tiiey telescopes of sufficient power to make out the course of the 
Serpentine, the summit of Primrose Hill, the top of the Ditke of 
7o]ic*8 Column, &c. P 

Do they make mariages de convenance t 

Do they wear beards P 

Have they lawyers P 

Isaneh a thing as a job known in the upper ciroles P 

Axe aay of the following articles in request amongst them— rouge, 
false hair, orders for theatres, fiery sherry, morning calls, quack 
medicines, hiffh black hats, after-dinner speeches, burlesques, Gfreat 
RKhibitions, horse-hair wigs, and turtle soupP 

:i>e they make Latin verses P 

De they learn the dead languages of eztinci pknete before they 
a«e ta«ght their ovm ? 

An their railways, er airways, or whatever their means of loco- 
BMtien may be oalled, as well managed as our ownP 

fia^ they street music P 

Ha^e they trouble with ^eir servants P 

Is the manufacture of umbrellas a flourishing bnaeh of their 
trade and oommeroe P 

Have they a Lord Mayor P 

Have they a Punch f 



LOGICAL DEMONSTRATION- 

A DB^ONSTaixiOBr of WorkingMen against the Malt- tax came off 
the other day upon the Thames Embankiaent This demonstration 
was distinguiriied by iSbe unusual merit of being to some extent 
logical :— 

" A Resolution adrooating the total repeal of the Malt-tax as a further 
instalment of the promise made by English Statesmen of a free breakfast, 
dinner, and supper table, was carried foth aoolamation." 

It may be said with truth that breakfast was the only one of 
those thiee meals of which any Statesman, so oalled, ever promised 
the freedom. More, it may be suggested that whoever promised a 
free breakfast table, not also promising a free dinner and supper 
table, was no Statesman. By how much are A.'s tea and sugar more 
entitled to emancipation than B.'s wine, beer, and spirits r In no 
degree whatever. Therefore there was logic in. the Thames Em- 
bankment demonstration against the Malt-tax. The Ch^kcbllos 
OF THB ExcEiQUBB,- certainly; would be unflt for his office if he 
allowed the Malt-tax to survive the next Session whereas he oould 
honestly do without it But our friends in fustian and flannel 
jackets, who have raised the price of meat by oonsuming it at everv 
meal, including, in many cases, a fourth every day. ask too much 
in asking for free meals at the expense of other people, mostlv very 
much worse off than themselves. The Minister who would not 
scruple to comply with their demand would rob the latter to bribe 
the former for their votes. The olasses at present subject to direct 
taxation and indireot too, with a view to curry additional favour 
with thoee touched only by the latter, would be still more grossly 
plundered than they are now by that expedient for effecting the 
freedom of tables. The Ghreat Untaxed would owe the free breakfast 
table, no less than any other free table realised f or.them by^suoh 
means, to the flnanee of a rogue. 



Deoialve. ' 

Mis. Malafrop, who considers herself a good judge from attend- 
ing so many Penny Readings, does not think much of the Pope*s 
Rlocution. 



Taking Oare of the Fence* 

Thb Austrians eeem to be as dose calculators as the Scotch, and 
to have a lofty disdain of round numbers. An official estimate has 
been prepared at Yienna of the cost of the Ghreat Exhibition which 
IB to be held there this summer, and a statement put forth that the 
entire expenses, up to the time of closing the accounts at the end of 
the year, will be '^13,238,396 florins 30 kieuzera." Let us cherish a 
hope that this estimate will not be exoeeded ; and, above all, that 
those odd kreuzers may not expand into an additional florin by the 
end of the year. 



Febecabt 1, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



48 



BORN JANUARY 14, 1782. DIED JANUARY SO, 1878. 



BOBN HAY. 1806. DIED JANUARY 18, 187& 



FuLLXB and fuller gnmn the fnnend roll : 
No day but famoiw Htoi past into f amet : 

We hear Time*i lootiUp in the death-belTs tiill 
Throngh the grey Abb^, walled with deatiilMS 

For whom,' in other sense than for the crowd, 

Bmth is tha portal of a lai^ger life, 
Where radianoe of renown dupels ewth's eiood. 

And Time's elear doom rings o^ar the mo— rs strife. 

La, this week's oonToy to the land aC nat I 
The venerable Jndga, im whose stntehed yean 

Present and past jomed hands: wh» had the heat 
Of two great. generatioBa for hia ] 



Whose boyhood drank the lerinent of hot thoui^t 
That shaped ont age : whoae yonng heart leapt to yiMWS, 

With her new wine of dreams and hopes distrang^ 
Brandishing at Old Wroi&g a haaly laiioe. 

Who watohedthatlaaee'BHght, flsah, flam, ndfaiia 
In blood and brands : who Earth's C ol ssans sapw 

Wax in his stride, till Euvope oroaehod diasMyed 
In the dark shadow, where his lip waalaur* 

Who watched the broadening of onr baaa 9i paww: 
Hailed wider tmst, and freer scope for all ; 

Knew War's long burden : Peace's Uessdd hoar: 
Rise of new states, and anoient orders' fall ; 

Who bore a man's part in the shapingr toil 

Of State and Senate ; in the seat of law 
Holding his robe of ermine pure of soil, 

Wearing his crown of honour free from flaw ; 

Yet cheerful stfll, under his load of years. 

Experience, labours of the judgment-seat, 
With kindness that robbed humble folk of ^aaia, 

And love that gathered children round his ie«L 

• •«««♦ 

But wider stOl the gap this other leaTCS : 

What field of letters but in him may wail 
A leading reaper, f all'n amon^ his sheaTcs, 

A good knight, sleeping kmghtly in his mail. 

What wreath of all set for the yictor's prize 
In the arena where brain strives with brain, 

But he or won it, in fair knightly guise. 
Or, if he lost, so laat, to lose seemed gain. 

If his each triumph could its trophy claim. 

Upon the oofEln in his abbey grave. 
Laurels would leave no room to write a name, 

Known, wide as breezes blow and billows lave* 

Novelist, poet, satirist, and sage^ 

Nor only sovereign of the study crowned 
By willing thralls of his delightful page. 

Lord of the theatre's tumultuous round I 

Then from the Study to the State addivst. 

An orator of marx to claim tSie ear. 
Which England's Senate yields but to the best. 

Whose wisdom wise men may be fain to hear. 

Oradous withal, lor all his clustered orowns. 

To those among his lettered brotherhood. 
Stunned by fate's buffets, saddened by her frown. 

And quick to help them howsoe'er he could. 

He fell in harness, as a soldier ought. 

The ink scarce dry in the unwearied pen. 
Thinking of other batOea to be fought, 

New laurels to be ooUed, new praise of men* 



The last proof rtad^ the last correction majde, 
Suddon the never-refiting brain was still : 

No laurels now, but thoa© that shall be laid 
Upon the marble brow~so deadly chill I 



SABBATARIAN SUGGESTIONS. 




^^^TTinaors Members of the 
WorMnir- Men's _ ^ Lord's 
Day llest Aeeoeiation en- 
tertain the opinicm that 
''gr^at eril'' is *'c«iBed 
by ike ims of j^uWe ye- 
hicles b J pr of^siiag Ghris- 
tianft on the I^ord^s Day." 
BelieTiDf^ this, they are 
rs^ther to be oommended 
fat sen din i^ a deputation 
to the BiHHor OF XoirnoK 
for the piLri>r«s« of calfing 
bis Lord«hirt's attention to 
it, flsd considering *' how 
best to bnnir the subjeet 
iisder the notice of Cmia- 
tis^ people/' ITor ther 
mi^bt Sa^e gone ana 
waited on thv Pmnnsi^ ar 
the HoMz BicHBTABT, and 
inTited the Ou^vemmettt, 
on behalf of the Babha- 
tarians, to pej wsnls 



Exeufsionists. Then wo aid ignorant and stupid higol^ hxn 
Hinisteriftl time* 

Ms. OifiBLBirroirB, as Choiniiaii of the Asiomatiou above named, 
introdnoed its dekg&tea to the Eight E'^t^rened Prel&lewilh an 
addiess^ in the oonrae of which he obserred that : — 

*^ i. rety gT#&t s^ndsl la oonodotloii witJi thit mAttiT wik^ thut the Chareh 
of England pofiietioB went ▼erj Uiievly in tba dir^tian oomptiiasd of. 
DepiilitioiiA formebd for the purpose of Adrocatinf th«ciufleof ChnattWfeBSd 
<M the* Sunday without any apparent oonMivufiitHM ctf thfl evil thty were 
Aomg, and without auy knowledge of tlia hit»d wltli wblcb they treie 
t^eceiTf^ in tmTeUiag od Stuidiy wbik wearis; the wbile omrat whieh 
liadicttted that ttiej were the vsrvuniM of Oijj' Lord," 

Did th^ flpeaker m«an to say that Cler^m^ntrayolliog on Sunday 
to preach sermoni at remote plaees are therefore reoeived wHh 
hatred by the Workioj^-Men'g Lord*fl Day Eeit Aflaocintion P And 
does he suppose that St. Paul, for instanee, wort* a white tieP 

The Bishop wlio heard Ma, GiiiiJLESToyE deliver himBelf as aboye 
preserved his gravity notwithstanding'. H^ heard more besides, 
wMdh miiBt hEiT6 tried it hard. Mr. Oirblesioni: coacluded by 
telling Mm that :— 

'* The deputation wer« snxiotia thst his I>)F^9hip ilionld delifvr a special 
sermriti st St. Faurp on this aubjeot^ and tht^y wors dosirout that, for theeake 
of e:sfta}plef he ibonld aroid driving to the Gatbedral.'* 

In answer to this oonststont but ridiculous suggestion — 

'* The BrsROF of Lowdos said thatjif lie noutrl not do so, he ihovld be 
eomptlkd to walk from his re«id^m^«! of Fulham* 

*^ Mn. GiaDLB^TO?^ replied that His Lordship n)%ht sleep at the OllB|Pter 
Hotifle on Snturdfty night/ ^ 

** And,*' on reflection he would perhaps have added, *' stay tbere 
imtil Monday morning." But the Sabbatarians do not reflecU 

The BiHHoP ov X^NDOir, in his final rt^^iy to M&, Giexm^BTOVS, 
very earef uUtt practised the positiTe ini unotJOD delivered by thelliseat 
of meD and kings iti a oertaio twi)-sid^d proverb. He answered his 
memorialist accarding to that gentleman^d nnderatandiag. ^P^^^~ 
ever, he might have asked him whether walking on foot or ridhif 
all the way from Falbam to 8L Paul'a would be, for a Bishop ox 
m4>rB than mature age, doing the greater amount of work on a 
Sunday F ^ _ 

Verae for Workmeii, 

The release to obtain you would like 

Of imprisoned Que Stokers ; 
In the meanwhile with Strike follow Stnkei 

you praetical jokert ! 



i^itfucf. Heml Probably in BonaoW^i'i 



tih# Spanish Loan?. 



46 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[FiBBUABT 1, lara. 




WHOLESOME HOUSES/' 



Fob DiNinsB Partibs, in WnrrzR, hate a Roabino Fire on one Side of the Room, and an Open Window on the other. 
AOcoRDiiYO to Situation at Table, and have Two Sets of Servants, differently Clad, to Wait. 



Dbess 



"PUNCH'S TRIADS." 

Thukx are three things which eTery wise man detests— new boots, 
an aigoment, and a hurrel-orgaiL. 

All women like fashion, petUs Boins^ and a bit of scandaL 

There are three things which nobody can do without ^money, 
bntto&B. and tlie balc^r. 

We ail like a eompliment, our own way, and a bow from a Lord. 

The three most degirable things to possess are a isoond digestion, 
a balance at the banker's, and tact. 

All Mitiifitera, Whig, Radical, or Gonseryatiye, like a Majority, a 
SiOT>luB, and ** No House," ... 

The three best letters in the Alphabet are L S D ; the tKuree worst 
I U. 

Happy the man who otn count on having, every day of his life, a 
mealy potato, some loose silver, and a good laugh. 

Avoid three things— wet feet, a bore, and a law-suit. 

The Three i>er Cents, three courses, and a good three volume 
novel, all contribute to human happiness. 

There were three Fates, three Fuies, and three Graces ; and there 
are still three Lords of the Treasury, three Yice Chancellors, and 
three Members for Birmingham. 

The Greeks had their tnlogies* the Bomans their triumvirs, and 
we have our threepenny pieces. 

There are three things whieh will always be— jobs, snobs, and 
smoky chimneys. 

Beware of three in the morning, three months' bills, and the 
three golden balls. 

There are three things which everybody is ready to give— their 
advice, their arm, and their blessing. 

Collect information, collect anytninff which in a few years will 
fetch three times as much as you gave for it, and collect yourself. 

Life would be tolerable were it not for three things— getting 
upin the morning, carving, and going to the dentist 

l^hree things happen to everybody sooner or later— to lose their 
train, their temper, and their umbreua. 



The three greatest disooveriei of the age are B^2dgue, Croquet, 
and the Sewing-Machine. • 

If you Wish for happiness, do not eat suppers, do not publish 
emendations of Shakspsasb, and do not take shares. 

We are all glad of a holiday, an unexpected legacy, and a barrel 
of oysters. 

We all dread wet Sundays, stiff people, and a "regular good 
cleaning." 

TWO TO ONE ON TAXATION.' 

The following ingenuous passage occurs in a letter to the Timea^ 
signed ** Righabd AT^ENBOBOueH '/ :— 

'* Allow me to lay that in advooatiog the oontlnuatioii of the Income-tax 
as a permanent aouroe of revenue yon are at yarianoo with Pitt, Psbl, and 
even M&. Lows himtelf. No Chancellor of the Exchequer hai yet dared to 
make thia proporition ; and I have no hesitation in saying that the fate of any 
Ministry whion ventured to adopt such a policy would be at once sealed." 

Mb. AiTEifBOBOTrGH seems to suppose, in his simplici^r, that, in 
declaring their policy. Premiers and Chancellors of the Exchequer 
are accustomed to tell the truth. If the Income-tax had not been 
imposed, and renewed from time to time, on the false pretence that 
it was to be temporary,' its victims would never have stood it. 
Mb. ATTXNBOBOTrGH has apparently been accustomed to deal with 
honest people who redeem their pledges. 



Diplomatio Bevelation. 

A Telbsbax from BerUn, announcing the reception there of 
ConKT SoHOTTVALOFif by Eii!pbeob William, says :— 

'' Aocordtaig to trustworthy informatiim, the Count has repeatedlj expressed 
himself highly satisfied with the result of his mission to England on the sub- 
ject of Centnl Asia." 

So far, then, we have reason to conclude that he considers his 
mission to have resulted in a dead failure. 






i. g 



n 




Digitized by 



Google 



Digitized by 



Google 



FSBBUABT 1, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAMVARL 



49 




OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

He addreu6$ the Editor ^ aftw vmtinq Burlington Houee^ and 
reaching QaUery No. L of the Old Master^ Exhibition. 

HEN I told my 
friend WAGe that 
I WM goiiiff to 
Tepresent You, 
3ir, among the 

jou will p(robH,bl7 
jTueas Wiiat wis 
WAo©*sioooBe»- 
jomder. 

It iTfts a J art of 
■one ttat^pd!lY« 
sod bore teifa- 
iBiiiiytoiroiirBe- 
IprasentatLTQ^t xe- 
patetion aa awrt 
1. J ofi^-GaUwt- 
*^ am. Eni^ndez' 
ffomf BecauwyJI 
yoa don't **tm* 
tond^" I ntn not 
goni^to explam. 
Iheday ErrtTed 
wfam I saw bt- 
lore^ne a. dmded 
ial^, EitlwT tQ 
imuMit Ton, 
fiff, tttthe Bur- 
drinMi'i 

!Die Barb^ for 
your hair I 

— iHuoh you (»ii 
mm to the air of 
'* Void le Sabre "—or to mpp«tr for yoa nmaag theimmiiientiosed 
Old Masters. I decided for the latter, and witiiontlirHitliin^ a word 
on the snbjeot to any one, except Wagg. I wrapped myself in impe- 
netrable mystery, that is a waterproof oyer-cloak, turned up my 
trousers in order to turn up a dirty oye-street or two, tributaries of 
the Great FiooadiUy Biyer j[wh;on really sounds unoo^monlf like 
something grand of the sort .in America), and finaUy appeared as my- 
self (*' afterwards " Foti), at the entrance of tiie Boyal Academy. 

I was a trifle musical uiat morning, and being thereto inspired it 
occurred to me to hum the tune which Mylee na Coppaleeti used to 
sing in the Colleen Baum^ adapting my words to the occasion :— 

Burlington House is a pleasaat place 

In the glorious month of July : 

With its tabbley-aux 

In paint and ehAlks, 

And its liaht all from the sky. 

OchI diyiladoubt 

We'd be nothing without 

The Byal A-ead-e-my ! 

Thus humming, like the busy bee that I am when in my f ayourite 
Bepresentatiye ohi^racter, I walked into the long passage of the 
Academy as boldly as PoBSOir would have walked into the longest 
passage of the Academia. Let us at least be classical as we enter 
within these portals. 

Bead the Dantesque inscription^ 

AU Sticks abandon^ ye who enter here. 

** Sticks " include umbrellas : for you can't, as Wagg says, leave 
your umbrella without the stick. At this Passage of the Styx I saw 
the first signs of the Old Masters. I said this to Wagg, who imme- 
diately replied that *' the Old Masters didn't paint signs." I had, 
however, alluded to the two Old Masters before us, who, standing in 
two docks on each side of the hall, might have been taken for 
either two respectable prisoners awaiting a verdict, or for two Old 
Masters in Chancery) without any prospect of escape, except by 
vaulting over the barrier and running away. One of these Old 
Masters was the Guardian of the TJmhreUas, and the other sold 
Catalogues, and both had the air of havinff undertaken their respec- 
tive offices from a real love of work itself, without hope of wage 
from emplovers, or of gratuities from visitors. I think that the 
elderly genUeman who relieved me of my umbrella had in him the 
Brigand instincts of younger days, when perhaps he had delighted 
in the wild stories of Piex Ixnusm and the gallants of the road. 
There was a twinkle in his old eye when he made me " stand and 
deliver " my umbrella, that caused me almost to wink at him in 



return, as much as to say, " Hallo ! old Slyboots, I 'm up to you ! " 
But I remembered whom I was representing and forbore. On my 
[nitting the Exhibition I fancy a tear trickled down his furrowed 
eek when, on presenting his ticket, he was forced to return my 



oh< 



umbrella. It seemed to me that, even up to the last moment, he 
had entertained a desperate hope either of my haying lost the ticket, 
or, perhaps, of my being so occupied with the i mpr es si ons of the 
si ght witnin as to pass out without remembering my umbrella. Sir, 
in Tour cause personally, I not only remembered my umbrella, but 
I remembered my honest old friend, who tlianked me with a bow 
tiutt would have done honour to as old a Master esOLAuns; Imean, 
in this instcaeey GxiAUBB Du Yal. 

But, 1&, I hBveeoHbS out before I have gone ii. I«tmenotkeep 
you lottgir in tlie dnoight, for you are ^Msd in much the same 
noflitbn in ftm AaadomioiBa passage as is a peain atin pea-iiiooter, 
butwstahmefMSDd the aturease with alltke dstoimmitiim of a 
resolute spiiit, who, awning his progress barred by^ates and wuders, 
prepaas hiniuf to eaeooBber opposition snd io overcome it. So 
Kmidahle did ihiB array atihe head of the atsireBas appear to me, 
thEid; I began to admire ttie ensfty ion/OaangbitwdaBt had derived 
BBS nl my troi^ iZrcalA«r— jneaning my wiiteella. It was like 
iakav i£s svranl and apaarirom Sir Zawmoeht hdan he entered 
the Valtey of linger, it we« send log Bavii) odt affaiBrt Goliath. 
and depriYing htm af bis fllliig and stone (giving hi&& tieioet for it) 
at the oamp g^te* What man dare I dare ; and, as Your Bepre- 
scmtativCf 1 daj-e do oil that m&y become a man, and« pemit me to 
add, he who dares more u sot Your BepiuasutatifO. 
I Four janitote waro at the wicket I tendecad a aovereign to the 
wii^et-keeper in the middle* He would none of it \ but motioned 
ma towards a young muij abeorbed in a volume of light litenature^ 

d M^atedt on my right, behind a smkniBolBr-aDrt axaplit rostrasou 



hich seemed to hare bien made, eeooamfteally, out of an old 
i wmshini^-tub out in h&lf , On a fad baiae dielf befiore him were 
* placed eevcral little wooden bowU saflh'aB are vmd indiseriminately 
for milk, kitchen ^o^p, m drfum&ken^ pins, but wfaa^ Wire filled 
on this oeeasion with T&rious cmtin of the realm in gold, fllver^ and 
€opp@T. To him I offered my sovereign. ^ Be reg^irded me in an 
abstracted manTieT| aa if annoyed at my interruptiiig him in the 
middle of his novel, end then, awakmg to a soiseof aqr reqnire- 
mi^uU, which were aimple, modest, and intelligible, he took my 
lOYtreiin^ core lei bI^t ^^ though 1 'd asked him to do a conjuring 
triek with it of which he wa* a trifle tired, and, having dropped it 
into the bowl (1 really hoped be wouldn't take up his interesting 
bouk at this pointt and forget all about me), and deliberatoly se- 
kcttd a half -aoTereign from another, still as with an e^re to a bit of 
aloight-of-bandv he took the t^qmsito number of shillings from 
a third how], and handing the eum to me, said not' a word, but 
dived into his book flg:aiii, wiping Your Representative, as it were. 
dean off his alate* What I lionght to myself, I shall not record 
here.t.But, ycmng man, if ever in' after-life ... no matter. Let 
mein '^ 

To be let in at Burlin^^ton House is a difficulty. Not but that 
the beat judges of paintmg are taken in here occasionally, when 
they mistake Surras picture of The Pavilion, Brighton, by Moon- 
light, for an undoubted CanalettL But the difficulty Your Bepre- 
senUtive alludes to is to be found at the turnstile itself, which is as 
stifi^ as a Yandyck portrait, and when with some museuiar exertion 

Eushed, gives forth a sound resembling the harsh cry of some strange 
ird—probably called " The Roopy "—in the Zoolonoal Gardens. In 
fact, aa. as representing you, I said to Wagg, " You won't go into 
the Academy without a good deal of pressing." Now this pressure 
can be exerted with comparative f aioility by some, not (lor ana- 
tomical reasons into which this is not the place to enter) by othen. 
Slender stops in where Faktaffiwn to trejad. 

I representod You up to Sixpence more in iiie purchase «f a oata- 
logne, but reused the proffered pencil at another twopence. Two- 
penoe more, and I should have been broke. So, Sir, with a light 
heart, catalogue in hand, and twopence, for an emergenoy, in my 
pocket, I represented you gaily in Gallery Number One, which was 

I wm do this thoroughly, I said to myself, as Your Representa- 
tive^ because I have yet to finish the South Kensington and the 
National Portrait Gfallery^ where I believe they have for weeks been 
expecting me, with practical jokes behind doors and in dark pas- 
sages. When they are least prepared I shall be there. NoWf lam 
wUh the Old Masters. 

I notice, as something most remarkable, what a number of short- 
sighted people there are in the world. At all events, what a number 
01 intelligent myopes come to see these pictures. Not only to see, 
but to examine closely, to sift the method down to the very canvass, 
and I further observed they all went at the Old Masters' pictures 
with their noees, as though they could detoct^enuineness by the 
smell, 
"this 

whisper , , 

we 've got himr' And then I also observed that when these amatour 



50 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Febbuabt I, 1873. 




DETECTED. 

Pint Violin {afUr iU QuarUtU in O Major— uMoHs/aciory oomehow). ''Hullo I—Hark f^THEBB—I knew theilk wab bomkthiho 
Wbono t This confounded T£a-Eeiitlb*s been Sinoino B Flat all the Tuce 1 " 



short-iiij^iled oritiot had honted their Old Matter down* they kept 
lip their eportiiig oharaeter hy polling the painter to pieoea, so that 
there 'd have been aoaroely lo mooh as hii hnuh left as a keepsake 
for his followers. These spectaoledt pince-nez^ and one-gussed 
amateurs talked to be orerheard* and so, while like Pat Jonrnres, in 
JK^aeiM^ ^<idirM0M, I «' in the Gallery sat.'' my ears were tickled ^^ 
the roatling wings of Folly as she flattered round the room. 

Sir, what marYeUoaal]^ -wise things are uttered in a picture 
gallery. Eferybody is a judge of pLotores, of course, aa Everybody 
IS a b«m theologian. 

I seated mvself, calmly suryeying the languidly busy scene ; for, 
going suddenly into a crowded room has upon Tour BepiesentatiTe 
the eflEaot of, as it were, coming up from a first plunge in the sea, 
whan the eyes are unsteady, uid there are cayemous murmurs in 
the ears, and when, if anybody speaks to you, you feel annoved at 
his inopportune remark, whaterer it was, and say, '* Eh— what P" 
rather sharply. Much the same as this sensation, only without any 
of its freshness and inyigoration, is what is usuaUir felt on entering 
any thKmged room by yours trnlr, who sits for the present on the 
first chair in the first Gallery— for "the force of lounging can no 
farther go "—and signs himself now as oyer. Your 

BXPBBSXHTAnYB MaV. 

P.S. Pictures next week. Let the Old Masters look out Bythe 
way I asked Waoo to write me a few notes on the collection, and 
this is what he has sent to me. ** Dear friend and pitdier-in, I 
smiled when I saw a Smirke, but was sorry to find a Morland 
between two Constables. It annoys me that what I had been in- 
formed was a Bi^ picture should prove a littie one. As to Opis I 
have my own Opie-nion of his merits. There are such a lot d Sir 
Joshuas here that the Gallery ought to be called a new Edition of 
RounoW Mi$eeUany. When I was tired of Atm, I looked at Shbjs. 
I luce the landscapes by Both. There are two Boths, and ther are 
both Bote. I found Chambers in a good situation. I couldn't 
discover where the Egg had been laid. I was sure it hadn't been 
poached* In looldng about for the Egg I hit upon Cox, which ben- 
ded the visit (tf yours, W." I shan't ask him to do this for me 
again. 



APPLE-SAUCE FOR ALL« 

Do not weep, men of OnesR. 

Howl ye not, you Fenian lads. 
You, too, who support *' Sn Eogbb,'^ 

Shed not idle tears, sweet Cads. 
Bailit's late affirmed conviction 

In your thousands lets you^ free. 
Meet no more, and flout reetnotion. 

Under the Bef cement Tree. 

Never mind. The Law's decision. 

Which has ATXioir made supreme, 
Levels all, without division, 

'Twixt the social curds and cream. 
Not you only^ but your betters, 

Shorn of Libertv remain. 
Think of that, ana hu^ your fetters. 

For Equality you gain. 



The Ohoroh in Danger. 

BiTUALisic and Rationalism, and Mormonism^ and Ultramon- 
tanism, have each in their turn caused old-fashioned folks neat 
uneasiness and alarm ; but all combined haye not created anything 
like the panic occasioned by ** Buddhism in SL Paul's." Should 
this be foUowed by *' Brahminism in Westminster Abbey," we will 
not answer for the consequences. 



yiBT W£L001CS. 



Wb are fflad to see advertised a new book by M&. Plafch^ It 
is called WUUam with the lUna. We hope the ring fitted well, and 
that the lovely wearer liyed. happy ever afterwards with her 
William. 



Fbbbuabt 1, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVABL 



61 




AN ANTIQUARY'S HINT. 

As SOME £xCUf«E FOR A LiTTLB ^BE HaIR, WOULD NOT AN OLD 

Marlbobouqh Wig be Effectiits ? * 



- PA8HI0NABLE PLAGIAEY. 

Iv any proof were wanted that Luna is a lady, it might be fur- 
nished Dy the fact that she so constantly is changing. The ohan^ 
of the moon are pretty nigh as frequent as the ehang[es of the 
fashions, and, after all, there is no novelty in either yariations. The 
"old Older" (to the milliner]| differs little from the new; and as 
history repeats itself, so likewise do the fashion-books. For instance, 
see this statement by a recent trayeller :— 

*( The Gredsn bend ii an old inititation in Japan ; and to see one of those 
dark-skinned ladies, with her eztensife head-dress, a hump upon her back, 
an extremely narrow skirt, high wooden pattens, her body thrown forward as 
the minoes her steps, you wocud imaginfl that she was ridbuling the brainless 
Totaries of fashion in other lands ; but she is only dressing as her people hare 
dressed, and walking as they hare walked, for centuries.'* 

In Central Africa, we are told, the ladies paint their faces and 
wear chignons on their heads, exactly as their f oremothers for ages 
there haye done, and lost as other ladies have bat lately learnt to 
do, in Goontries which by some people are deemed more highly 
civilised. So, too, the Grecian bend of Bond Street is borrowed 
from Janan, and has there been seen for centuries, alUiongh here 
esteemed a novelty, and therefore made the most of by our rashion- 
able folk. A savage with an eyeglass would afford a novel spec- 
tacle, y^ we haply may discover some wild tribe thus ocularly 
deooraied, and, 'moreover, wearing a camellia in the button-hole, 
and a ohimnev-pot black hat If in this way it be provable that 
novelties of fashion are no better than mere plagiaries, common 
sense would hint a hope that the ladies might he round less eager 
for sueh noveltMs than they seem to be at present. But tiie quee- 
tion may be asked, when, in fashionable matters, will ladiee ever 
listen to the hinte of conunon sense P 



A Knight of the Keyg. 

M. ni BouBOonre, on leaving Rome, received a remarkable honour 
from the Popi. The Holy Father named him *' Grand Officer of the 
Ordine Piano." This appointment would have passed without 
remark if it had been conferred on the Abb^ Lihbi. But is M. bb 
BouBGonra also among the pianists P He is not known to be a per- 
former on any instrument, although, no doubt, the Popb considera 
him to have proved himself instrumental to His Holinees*s purposes* 



THE ECONOMISrS CAROL. 

Mt boots may not again be mended ; 

Reported worth it now no more. 
On a new pair must be expended 

A portion of my measuied store. 
My shirts are likewise all in tatters, 

My Bodts and under-dothiag too ; 
Though their state not so neatly matters» 

Because they are concealed from view. 
But ^ey 'U no longer hold together ; 
Ihey 're worn too Uiin for wintry weather. 

Mine outer garments no repaiiing 

Will make to last another spaa« 
And not attract to me the stazug 

Attention of my feUow-maiL 
There 's nought so hard in being need v, 

SmaH derki and travailleEB at the desk. 
Than that it dooms men to go seedy. 

And makes them otherwise grotosqiie ; 
Unless, indeed, all eve you smother 
Far the deniion of your Brother. 

Mrstook of coals so low has dwindled. 

That I require a fresh supply : 
A oostly fire I must have kmdied. 

To cook high-prieed pfovisiens by* 
All these ezpenaee, down tocedier 

On poor FtLOABLicx, bid him span 
Internal fenee from wintry westhor ; 

Interior lined witn winter's fare. 
Good sheer, the chief alleviatiou, 
Beeidei a pipe, of tribulation. 

Sew sfaig M Rooe, and bum the bdloWB, 

Secure oi affluence, ye blest I 
The rich mscn only, like you f ellowa» 

Can e'or a oonseience keep at rest. 
You om pursue investigationa, 

And minds serene to work devote. 
Nor need to make your ealculations 

Before vou get another coat. 
I to affora one must endeavour. 
Well !— it will be my last, however. 



SPECULATION SPOILED. 



Thb eye of some meteorologist, wearied with continuous rainfall, 
may have been agreeably attected by the heading of a paragraph 
in the Post : — 

^ Fall of Chalk at Dovbil— Another fall of ohalk has taken plaoe 
on the South-Eastem Railway, between Shakspeare's and Abbott's Clira, at 
Dover tunnel, but bo injury to life or property was oecasioaed." 

Reading thus far at least, a philosopher concerned in the study of 
meteoric phenomena might naturally enough imagine the hit of 
ohalk reported to have taken place on the South-Eastem Railwav, 
to have been a shower of a^^htes consistinr of that substance. As 
chalk is a marine formation, oomposed chiefljr of organic rema^ its 
descent in the form of frsigments of asteroids or planetary bodies 
would suggest the most absorbing trains of thought, and afford ma- 
terials for researches of the prof oundest interest. But these pro- 
mising ideas are disaj^intingly dissipated by the statement which, 
in the next sentence, informs the reader that-- 

*' The sans of the Drop Redoubt haye been untimbered for fear of aod- 
dento/' 

Sold I Such IB the exclamation which bursts from the philoso- 
pher's lips on discovering, inferentially, from this additional in- 
formation, that the fall of chalk at Dover, on the South-Eastem 
Railway, was merely another landslip from Dover Cliffs. This, 
perhaps he mournfully observes, had no relation « to meteorology, 
except in having been oansed by the late wet weather. 



A Privileged Pair. 



Thb Lobd Chief JusncB perhaps had one more reason than he 
mentioned for not committing Mbssbs. Whallbt and Guildbobd 
Obslow for contempt of Court. His Lordship very likely considered 
that, in stumping the country, and aspersing persons of honour, on 
behalf of Casibo, they had sufficiently committed themselves. 



— : ; wn^^i^viv^ 

NoTB FOB NAinBALi8is.^The largest Moth ever kno^vC^The 
Behemoth. 



52 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVABL 



[Fbbbuabt 1, 1873. 




GUILE. 

Old Lady, " Tou know the « Royal Oak ' P Wbli^ you tukn to the Right, past the ' Jolly Gasdenebs,' till you oome 
TO the 'Red Lion ' " 

Artful (Jahby, "O, don't tell me the *0(jse8, Mum I Name some o* the Churches, and then I shall Know where 
I AM I r* [Asks and gits an exorbUamt fare vntkoui a murmur. 



BUENraa IN EPFiaT AND PERSON. 

ADDBBSsnie a meeting of Romui Gatholios at the Town-hall, 
Birmingham, the other day, Da. Ullathobns, titular Bi«hop of 
that ilk, defined liberalism. He said that:— 

** To teks other's property, m had been done in Italy, waa Libemliam ; to 
say that there should be no authority, to denoonoe property as theft, and to 
bum national monuments, as the Communists of Fnmce did, that was 
Liberalism." 

It is not, howerer, omel of liberalism to bnm monnments ; it is 
only harbaroiiB. Monnments cannot feel, even if they are statoes 
of Saints. Dogmatism, the opposite to what Dr. Ullathobkx calls 
Liberalism, has burnt other oombnstibles more sensitiye to fire than 
monuments. It may be said that Liberalism would abolish ail 
stakes in the oonntoy. Would not Dogmatism erect stakes if it 
oouldP • • 

<<0n Horror's Head Horrors Accumulate." 

Wb hope we are not getting nervous, but really we can hardly 
read without a shudder such a statement as the following :— 

** Three Skeleton Drills in Uniform will be held at Beaufort House, under 
the Adjutant, on the 15th and 22nd February, and on the Ist Maieh." 

Christmas happily is oyer, and we can therefore eat our dinner 
without the risk of swallowing a lump of indigestible plum-pudding, 
or other nightmare-breeding dainty of the season. Otherwise we 
oertainlv should ^ to bed in fear and trembling lest we should be 
haunted by a vision of three spectral Skeletons in uniform going 
through a ghastly aenes of terrible skeleton drills. 



Poi-Lucx.— Collecting old China. 



POOR PAPA I 

There was a man, and he went mad. 
Whom Cupid so far carried, 

That, though he no sure income had, 
He fell in love and married. 

An heir, before twelve months had fled. 

Was bom to destitution. 
He patted baby on the head. 

And oaUfidit '' Retribution." 



Chan^ of Hair. 

A VIOLENT shock of fear or nief will, it is said, turn the hair sud- 
denlv grey. Uuery. Does the converse ever occur P Suppose a 
man^i hiur has grown grey in oonsequenoe of anxiety occasioned by 
slender and precarious circumstances. If he were unexpectedly to 
oome into the possession of money enough to make him comfortable 
for life, is it possible that excess of joy mi^ht immediately turn his 
hair dark P PerhajNi it would onlv turn his head without affecting 
his hair. But, if in a pesition to be tested on this point, one would 
not object. What Peabodt wiU try the experiment P 



Advice to Young Couples. 



By all means, if you can, keep pigs. Properly managed, th^ 
will make you almost independent of your Butcher. *' Now then,'' 
truly wrote Cobebtt, "this hog is altogether a good thing." So he is. 
You can eat him all up ; 3rou ostn go the whole ho^, from the tip of 
the snout to that of the talL Thus, by substituting pork for beef 
and mutton in their present dearness, you make both ends meat. 



Kltd bf JoMSh SMitk.«f No. M, HolflM^ Sq«ar«.ia ths TuUh of St. itmm, OiwiMawrtl. la the Oemaxr ol Ml d d l twH. at «ho fttattu OS^m a< Mom*. Bndbwy. Af^fw. * Oo., Ml 



FlBBUART 8, I87if.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



53 




DEAR OLD DONKEY I 

Some People abe so Obstinate I Thsbe's this Old Pabty who Dines 
AT the TablB'D'Hots at the " Belo&avia "—he will Insist on Qpenino 
HIS OWN Seltzee Water, and gives us a Shower- Bath all bound ! 



SOUR FRUIT. 

A fairy's form, an angel's face, 
Made Rdtgdoti blest a year ago. 

I should h&Te been in that man's i^aee. 
Had EmLT not answered • • No.'^ 

Behold her seated at the baU I 
A ereatue withoat question fine ; 

But now I smile when X recall 
The wish to make that creature mine. 

The Snbstanoe rests unchanged ; but Light. 

And Grace, to what have they now come ! 
Twelve months have hardly taken flight ; 

And all the blue is off that plum. 



CHILDREN m ARMS. 



People who love peace will doubtless read with interest 
this brief extract from a lecture upon Gunnery :— 

'< Already Snt W. Abmstbong and Sir J. Whitwobth 
engaged to make guns able to pierce 24 inches of plating : but 
Mb. Bbssembb promiied a gun which would fire a ball of five 
torn at the rate of one a minute. lOKe$r9 and a laugh.) Bedde 
thii s:un the Woolwich Infant would become a baby indeed. {A 
laughJ) If that would not be sufficient, he could make one to 
fire a ball of ten tons." 

War will dearly be no child's play when infaDts and 
babies such as these inll be employed in it* Balls of 
ten tons each will be a rather costly kind of infant 
entertainments. A nation surely will think twice before 
it goes to war, when every shot it fires will cost a kundred 
pounds or so. A nrudent people clearly will ask ** Can 
we pay our shot ? '' before they set to igkting with live 
or ten ton cannon-balls. 



UPPLS Aim TENSION. 



DfiUNKXHinsss may be caused otherwise than by 
drinking ** intoxioatiTig Uauors." Witness the usually 
excited behaviour and violent language of the orators 
and audience at meetiD|[s of the United Kingdom 
Alliance. Moreover, an miprecation in common use 
among the People is " Blow me tight I " 



COMRADES IN QUOD. 

At a meeting of the Gas Stokers' Defence Aid Committee, held on 
Saturday last week at a place in Bolt Court, Fleet Street, idtogether 
irrespectively of the memory of Djl Johjtsob) a speech was made 
from the chair by Mb. Gsoboe Fotteb, wherem that gentleman^ 

« Called the attention of the meeting to the fact that the Memorial praying 
for the mitigation of the sentence upon the fire Gas Stokers had been sent to 
Mb. Bbucb as Home Secretary, on the 7th instant, and that not only had no 
reoly been reeelTcd, but the receipt of the Memorial had not been acknow- 
ledged. He considered it very uncourteous." 

If uneourteous is a word considered applicable to the ab§tinence 
of the Homb Segbbtabt from taking any notioe of the ^lemorial 
in favour of the conyicted Gas Stokers, what epithet may be deemed 
appropriate to the crime of which those convicts were guilt j in at- 
tempting to plunge all London in darknesa? Cunaidenng the 
atrocities which, by success in so doing, they would have given the 
dangerous classes occasion to inflict on ike oommimity, wuuld it be 
too much to call that attempt, dictated by a small and eielMi matire, 
diabolical? 

Mb. Pottbb, in concluding his observations, expressed the opinion 
that:— 

** The Ooyemment seemed bent upon doing all in its power to alienate the 
Working Chuies from giving it any support in the future.'* 

By letting Justice take its course with oonspirators against public 
saf e^^ the Government will aUenate from their supporters net the 
Working, but only the Striking Classes, except also the Thieving or 
Predatory Classes. At the same time they may count on attracting 
to their side aU the Thinking and Law-Abiding Classes of the 
country; thus, on the whole, very considerably adding to their 
present majority. 

^-Our friend Mb. Pottbb was followed by a Gas Stoker named 
Davis, who had just been let out of Coldbath-Fields Prison, in 



which House of .Correction he had been f oroed to spend six weeks for 
leaving his employment at Bow Common without notice. Mb. Davis 
had by no means easily '* brooked immisonment." He had found it 
very cold and uncomfortable,— it had not agreed with him at all : 
hard labour had proved to be highly objectionable, and so had 
eompanionship :— 

** He and his fellow- workmen complained bitterly of being put to the same 
sort of hard labour, under the same diKipline, and being kept on the same 
diet, as the oonvioted felons and thievta with whom he was obliged to 



Than eonvicted thieves and felons certainly no companions can be 
more unsuitable, and than the discipline and diet proper for them, 
no keep and no treatment can be imagined more unmeet, for honest 
Gas Stokers. But what of Gas Stokers who would, if they could, 
have put out the Hght and let the thieves and felons loose on the 
PublicP Are the Sooundrels such very unfit associates in punish- 
ment for the Stokers Y 

But come, England is very ffood-natured, and her Ministers are 
Uke unto hcv. The imprisoned Stokers have said that they are very 
sorry for their offenoe (and we have no doubt that they are very 
sorry for its results), and so Mb. Bbugb proposes to remit two-tldrds 
of their piinishment. Let them drink nis health— moderately— in 
Bbett's Brandy, and let them take both the liquor and the lesson to 
heart, as the " poor woman" does in the Beggar's Opera. 



Popular Improvsment* ' 

A LOT of rough diamonds from South Africa was sold on Wednes- 
day last week at the Mart of Mbssbs. Debbnham avd Stobb, in 
Covent Garden. This sale took place at a special auction of those 
gems which is held monthly at that establishment. Hence it 
appears that the number of rough diamonds imported must be very 
great. This is somewhat satisfactory to think upon, when we con- 
sider what multitudes of Boughs there are amozigst our population 
in whose natures the Bough is all in all without any Diamond. 



VOL, LXIV. 



54 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Fbbbuabt 8y 1873. 



EVERY INCH A KING. 




nis is a. thon^lit that 
ooeurred to Mr, 
Punchy laflt week, 
on the anniYiersafy 

of Kmti Cll4RLBi'8 

Martyrdom, Sm. 
Irtuxq plaji the 
anfoitun&te King 
More adtQ irably 
than nn^body olae, 
■are aaie« eouM do 
it. But if that 

ane HowoFer, 

go and see Ms. 
IfiTore At the 
Lfctium* 



Tttg OFFICE* 

Wl observe TfiUi 
sa^f action the ap- 
pointment of isarre- 
ral '' Ci^ Aidat- 
anU'' inth^Ofiaoe 
of Workfl. We 
hope the Chief of 
the Bepartment 
will avaU himself 
largely of their 

BfETviQeB, 



FLOUNCES' FIRE INSUEAKCE. 

Bt aooonnts from Yiexma we learn that 
a lady of high rank and her danghter, at 
Preeburg, preparing to go to a ball, very 
narrowly escaped being burnt to death in 
oonseqaenoe ot the dress of the latter catch- 
ing in from a light on the floor, and 
igniting that of the former when she riished 
t6 her aasistanoe. In the midst of life the 
position of beinr liable at any moment to 
leaTe it oaanot be helped, bnt it is ladies' 
own fault to ge about in the midst of com- 
bustible minifwry. torroanded by a foneral- 
pile, arranged as uiovgh on purpose to be in 
constant readiness ler burning fkem alive. 
It is, moreetrer, a fvaaral-pik ol which the 
materials 'are enommidy expeasiyei so 
much 10 as to make it wocth any man's 
while to insnrs his wife's dressy were that 
poesiUey on eTsry occasion i^ien she goes 
attired im anything like faduon, to an 
eTeninf party or a oalL For the mke of 
those we lofv, howe^Wtit b ratber>> be 
wished that their finery wot9 all. made 
fir^ioaL 



▲n American Bick IJMmq. 

"On Plymentk CSaNh (BreaUya) sale 
day for 1873 several pawi fetdMd a pramiom 
of 360 dollars each, m additkm to tiM rent 
of 90 doliars. The NKtal «f the pews 
amounts to 12,800 deBan a yair, bat the 
premiotDs rualised at the salt reaped 46j580 
ai>Ilar& ; and the sale o< ohafara in the aisles 
will hrini? the total ab«fe 60,090 dollars. 
Mb, Beech bjel was present at the sale, and 
madti ^ few pleasant remarks before it 
bt^gan/^ — and, we should imagine, a 
few atill more pleasant ones after it was 
over. 



PABLIAMENTAEIA. 

'Bkmamuit shooting being over. Parliament asMmbles again this 
week, for the three hundred and thirty-first time since it rose like 
a PlHBnix from the ezptring embers of the Saxon Witteiuigemot. 
Fall details of the meetinff of the first Parliament, and the speech 
from the throne by Sjno A^fjus the Qbmax^ in which he made a 
tooohing reference to his recent sojourn in the Danish camp, will 
be found in Doomsday-Book and other contemporary publications, 
^ese are given partly in Anglo-Saxon, and partly in Uiat Norman 
French, of whidi traces still Ongor in modem parliamentary usage ; 
but dictionaries are kept on the premises, and the officials willbe 
found most obliging in explaininpr the contractions, and fitting a key 
to the cipher in which the rest of the text is written. 

It would oooupy too mueh time and spaoe to enumerate all the 
mere celebrated f arliamenta, but Arch»ologists would never forgive 
ua if we omitted to mention that the first Aelormed Parliament was 
held after the Eeierflmtian. 

The quaHfioations for a Member ef Purliament have been eonsider- 
i^ly modified. All that is now quired ia-that he should be 
^oroughly acquainted with the history and geography of Great 
Britain and its dependencies, the aots and pe&ey of the difTerent 
adnunistrations which have been in power sanoe the fall of Wolssy, 
the lives of the Speakers, the contents of the Journals of the House, 
Hansar^fs Debates^ and the architectural details, pictorial decora- 
tions (including the prooemes of fresco and water-glass painting, 
mosaicry, ftc.}> and lighting and ventilation of the Chamber in 
which he is to ait, speak, hear, and cheer. The Civil Service Com- 
missioners will cheerfully undertake to test the knowledge of Candi- 
dates in these various branches of study, but at pre$ent there is no 
oompulBory examination. 

The privileges of Members consist in exemption from parochial 
officer immunity from all tolls levied at turnpikes and bridges, 
provided the^ make and subscribe, at the time of claiming relief, a 
declaration m writing before a Master in Chancery that they are 
legislators, hereditary or elective ; an adequate supply of stationery 
at the public expense (but not including stamps) ; and the right to 
call a wherry at any point on the Thames, whenever either House is 
sitting between the hours of 4 a.m. and 4 p.m. 

The Spjkakeb speaks for himself. His office is of considerable 



antiquity and dignity, but it is not hereditary; and his wig is 
required to be in stricc accordance with a sealed pattern deposited in 
the Patent Office. Every Member presents the Sfsakes with his 
photograph and address card when he first enters the House, with a 
portion of bride-cake when he marries, and with a copy of valedictory 
verses when he vacates his seat The Spbajcbb is entitled to a pair 
of white kid gloves whenever there is No House, and it is the duty 
of the principal door-keeper to ascertain exactly the size which each 
new Speaker takes. He spends his vacations in a ddightf ul retreat 
in a most romantic spot, in the heart of the Chiltem Hondreds. 

Every other schoolboy knows the intimate oonneetion that exists 
between tiie Mace and the British Constitution, and the serious 
oonseouences which might arise if that emblem of authority were lost 
or mislaid. A majority of the Judges are of opinion that the Habeas 
Corpus Act could not oe legally suspended, or the provisions of the 
Mutiny Act put into force. Nobody, therefore, will be surprised to 
hear that the Sergeant-at-Arms always sleeps with the Mace by his 
bedside, and awakes at least once in the course of the night to 
satisfy himself that it is safe. When the Mace has to be cleaned, 
a jury, composed of Members of the (Mdsmiths' Company, is im- 
panneled. 

The Oentleman Usher of the Black Rod can claim a new Rod with 
every fresh Parliament. It must be cut from a tree standing in one 
of the Royal Forests, and brought by a special mounted messenger 
to the principal entrance to the House of Lords, where the Royal 
Purveyor of Canes and Walking-sticks is bound to be in waiting to 
receive and prepare it for official use within the preoincts. The old 
Rod must be burnt in a wood fire without being broken up, and the 
aidies thrown into the Exchequer. 

The earUest Blue Book of which we have anv certain aocountL 
contained the reports of the detective offioers who were employed 
by the Government on the occasion of the Gunpowder Plot. Aji 
interesting calculation has been made that if all the Blue Books 
which have been issued were heaped up one upon another, they 
would form a pile as high as Mont Blanc ; and it is estimated that 
to read them through would occupy a man ten hours a day (San- 
days excluded) for one hundred and sixteen years, seven months, 
and thirteen days. 

The Two Chambers are thororighly cleaned and dusted before the 
opening of every Session, and if it is the commencement of a new 



<i?- 



Fkbbuabt 8, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL 



55 




BmOLD THB COKCLUDnrO ScfKNE OF THE TlUaXI>T OF THE SbICIHTON AQXTABITJlCt TRX 
DOO-FUH (IH WH08X POSTRAIT IrT HAM GBXATLT IhPSOYZD TlPOir NaTUSX) ATB VT THK 

OoTOFUB. WbtI BscAiTaB Doo-FiaH Aiov Octopus wkrz is Lovx with ths 8Amb Faboi- 

NATINO TOtmO LOBSTXB. ThX YiCTOK, LABBN WITH HIS SPOILS, TWfBEMS HIS HOMAflB TO 
THS FAJB OBJBCT OF HIS PlB€INX AfFXCTION. ShE SmILXS. SHS IB Woif. 



NEW FUEL. 

Coal is roinoiuly dear, and a burning 
shame it is that its prioe should be so ex- 
orbitant, and flaming articles ought to be 
written on the nibject, so long as there is 
snch jnst cause for grumbling at the lump 
snm which snut be naid down when the 
cellar has to be refilled. Any substitnte. 
therefore, that eomld be found for ooal 
would be sure to mM with a grateful re- 
ception; .but who ol ns, except miUioa- 
naires, can look to the *' Diamond Fnel 
Company " (brilliuit as the idea may seem) 
to snpply the want, and make onr hearths 
and homes bri^t and oheerfol at a mode- 
rate cost? "JPut some diamonds on the 
fire" is an (»der which might haTO been 
given aad obeyed in the days of the 
Arabian Nights, and in the Halk and 
lobbies oKllaliphs and Kognle ; bat people 
with'large familiee and small coal-scnttiM, 
who live in eightHroomad houses and fnr- 
niahed apartments, seem much more likely 
to be obliged to say, "Put a little 
on." 



Past and Present* 

" P^ulux," savs Mb. Eldebboy, ^ in my 
yovOi, was mr ahillings a conple, and beef 
sevsnpenee apoond. Ther^ is now cheap eho- 
oolate for w(»nen and chiidreB, and we have 
lii^t wines ; bnt the only otker advantage 
I see at the present day, to eonutensatB tor 
all sorts of jaor o aae d tionbLis and ezpeosss, 
is a grMt vansty of eomfais and oonve- 
aMOioes in mtta peralMi and IndiaF-rabber." 



Parliament, the benohes are re-stnffed and re-covered. In the 
Upper House the Lobd Chakcbllob's Upper Honsemaid super- 
intends the charwomen selected for this duty; in the Lower, a 
superior domestic from the Bpeaxbb's establishment discharffes the 
same office* They are both paid by fees, and have the privilege of 
introducing a friend into the Strangers* Gallerv. Formerly the char- 
women were selected by the Housekeeper, preterence being given to 
the female relatives of non-commissioned officers in the Amy and 
Navy. But now, before they can be appointed, they must 
obtain a oertifioate from the Uvil Service Oomminioners ; and 
are therefore called upon, in the first instanoe, to furnish the most 
minute information as to their age. family connections, places of 
education, previous employments, health, character, private pursuits, 
and freedom from pecuniary embarrassment, and then to undergo a 
competitive examinatioa in Blacestonb's Commentariett Hallau's 
ConstittUianal History of England^ Physical Geography, and one 
modem language. 

The cellars undehieath the Houses of Parliament beinff very 
roomy and commodious, it is understood that &plan is under the 
consideration of the First Commissioner of Works and Public 
Buildings for lessening the annual expenses of the establishment by 
lettinr these vaults to Wine Merchants of established reputation and 
liberal principles, at a remunerative rent. 



CChaap Defmce of Nations. 

Wb are afraid to resist Russian progress in India, are we P No- 
thing will be done by the British Government to that end which 
may necessitate warP That iiwhat you think, Cbrman friends? 
Little do you know the spirit of this great nation. €K>ing to war is, 
for us. a mere afiair of money. Ministers have no reason to fear 
that this consideration will make war, if neoessary, unpopular. 
The People will not have to bear the expense of war. That will all 
of it be* defrayed by means of the Income-tax. It will therefore fall 
only on privileged persons, and in nowise concern the community at 
large. Who'safnud? 

A Paradise of Oontentment. 

Cehtbal Asia, and Khiva, and Turkestan, and " Transoxania," 
and the Jaxartes, we respeotfuUy leave to diplomatists, and politi- 
cians, and special correspondents ; but one can well imagine the 
large number of people there are who would be glad to make a rush 
to such a oomfortable well-to-do country as " Independent " 
Tartary must be. . 



WAKNING AGAINST VAlfDALISM. 

GXNTLEMEV OF THB HOUSB OF COMXOlTSl 

GKNTLEMBir, distinctly such. Not you others. Not you who 
subordinate all other objects to making money. Not you, mere 
representatives of commercial interests; prepared to sacrifice to 
them scenery and every other mortal thing. iHot you. Members for 
Mammon. Gentiemen, properly so called. You wfll shortiy be 
applied to for leave to destroy about a mile of beauty on the bank of 
the lliames opposite to Hampton Court. In place thereof 3rou will 
be invited to sanction the erection of a high, blank, ugly wall. It 
is said that the Chelsea Water Company are going to ask you for 
permission to oonstruct waterworks which will necessitate this 
outrage. It is certain that they could construct other waterworks 
which would render it unnecessary.. At one of the numerous and 
influential meetings lately held by the indignant inhabitants of 
Thames Ditton, Lour Ditton, and Kingston, to protest against, and 
try and prevent it, the fact was (you may read it in the Morning 
PoiC^ ** pointed out that the land proposed to be taken for the 
reservoirs is of great value, both as meadow and for buildinjr pur- 
poses, while dose to the proposed intake there is abundanoe of suit- 
able space that might be approiyriated without loss to any one, 
thouffh it is admitted it would cost more for exoavatien." And, 
Gentlemen, merely that this additional cost may be shirked, you will 
be requested to permit " one of the prettiest bits of river-soenery in 
Bngluid ^ to be ruined. 

I)ear Gentiemen, sweet G^ntiemen, good Gentlemen, honourable, 
really and truly, and not merely nominally honourable Gentiemen ; 
surely you will not suffer tiie barbarity of replacing the prospect 
from the window of the Mitre with a hideous eyesore. Of course 
not if you know it. But mind lest this YandaliEan be managed 
without your knowledge. Watch, be on the look-out, keep your 
eyes open, and see that a Private Bill, under the name of a Chelsea 
Waterworks Bill, but being also a Thames Ditton and Hampton 
Court Abomination Bill, is not smuggled throuj^h your honourable 
House. Eepresentatives of decent constituencies, show an active 
sympathy with people at Hampton Court, the Dittons, and King- 
ston, of the same description. Also with the many thousands of 
similar Londoners represented by the undersigned. Let not a lovely 
landscape fall into the hands of the Philistines. 

I am, Gtotiemen, yours resx>ectfully, an habitual 

ExcuBaoroioffr. 



*• Sbxpwobth's Casb."— Holloway QaoL 



^OgI(^ 



56 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Fjsbbuabt 8, 1873. 




A PHILOLOGICAL WsEft. 

fferr Professor, ** Iss it not a shdrainch Ting, Lattes, dat de Latin Baob qannot aottire de Enklish Bronottnct-ation ! 

I HAP 0HOO8T DIS MoMEND BARDET FROM AN IdALIAW ChENDLEMAN (A ORADH VrENT OP MINE ANT A PERRY OLEFFER MAN) WHO 
HAS LIPPED, IN LONTON ALM^STE AS LONG AS / HAP — DVENDT-VIPE EeSERRS— ANT FOOT YOU PeLIEF ITI He SHBEEGS ENKUSH VIT A 
KVTTB SHDRONG VOREION InDONATION I HoW TO YOU AgOUND YOR A EO EgGSHDRA-ORRTINARY ZeEROOOMSHDANZ AS TAT I" 



BEPOEE THE COMITIA. 

{The Two Arugpiees.) 

Iir Rome, ere the Comitia 

To btumets oonld be let, 
The Aninin and Anupioes 

In solemn oonolaye met ; 
The peokings, pipiitKe, hoppings 

Of the laorea iowIb to 1nry» 
And in tiie Ticthn's entraila 

For mgOB of fate to pry. 

'Twae the Angnr's solemn duty 

To keep the oooks and hens, 
Who^' like an able Editor,* - 

Dropped presaffe £rom their pens ; 
And as by British Parties 

Leading articles are feared. 
So these oracles in hen-coops 

By Rome's statesmen were rerered. 

Onpig's, sheep's, and ox' ''innards," 

aow we have come to look. 
More as a source of sansage-meat 

Than as tiie future's book; 
For Poultry-shows, not Parties, 

Our cooks and hens we feed. 
And the canard's the only fowl 

That Politicians breed. 

8o Augurs and Aruspioes 

19o colleges have now ; 
At least, beneath these titleSt 

No more to them we bow ; 



Bat High-priests of both orders 
Are here, though less in yiew. 

Who, oracular as they are. 
Enow the future as ihey knew. 

But Rome had daring sceptics 

Who of mysteries loul would fall, 
SMe Augurs and Aruspioes 

Sheer humbugs, one and all : 
Swear only geese to poultry 

For orades would go ; 
In entrails owned '* omenta^^^ 

But"omma"— 0, nol 

'Twas Cato who the mouthpiece 

Of these scoffers dared to be^ 
Some HuxLBT of the period. 

Or Dean Stavlkt, p'raps, was he— 
Who said he always wosdbbkd 

Two ABtrspics could bmbracb 
WiTHoiTT BUBsmro oxn a-laughikq 

Eaoh iir i*othkb's bbazen facb: 

0, Anispics of our Parties. 

Who, without their staff and gown, 
Profess to read the future, 

And forecast its smile or frown, 
P'rhaps Caio, were he Hying, 

Would wonder how you came 
Together without laughing. 

For the '* Sestton's '^ little game. 

The presages recalling 

Put forth in days gone by. 
The portentsl signs, and omens 

Interpreted awry : 



The trust in lij[hts misleading. 
Croaks, crowmgs. both misread— 

And the Party's tail, stiU going 
flap-hazard, like its Head : 

The sources sought for guidance, 

Whence guidance ne'er could come ; 
Dumb beasts and blind birds questioned, 

Where manly yoioe was dumb ; 
The sham shrines you haye bowed to. 

The oracles you 'ye sought, 
Knowing the altar godless, 

The inspiration nought 

The plenteouBness of promise. 

And tlie performance small : 
The leagih of the yam-spinning. 

The l^ondyin^ of the bawl : 
The pledging ot the pledges. 

The ahlrkin^ of the same : 
The shnilliug of the old, old cards, 

Pot the fiame old, old game. 

Yes; wondrous is your face-power, 

Ariiipics, who can meet. 
YIII Post Nonas Februanas, 

Abreast of Downing Street— 
Can meet for our Comitia^. 

And yet forbear to chaff, 
Nor wake the official echoes 

Of Whitehall with your laugh. 

There 's Dizzixrs Arili8i>ex 

Wears a Sardonic grin, T 

Though sterner MerbtpsbIi^^bO £^ 

Such laughter holds a sin*: O 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIYABL— Fkbbuabt 8, 1873. 




trntu 



THE TWO AUGURS. 



DwRALius. •• I ALWAYS WONDER, BROTHER, HOW WE CHIEF AUaURS CAN MEET ON THE OPENING 
DAY WITHOUT LAUGHING I " 



AND 



GLADSTOinus. •• I HAVE NEVER FELT ANY TEMPTATION TO THE HILARITY YOU SUGGEST, BROTHER ; 
> THE REMARK SAVOURS OF FLIPPANCY." Digitized by VnVJVJ^LV^ 



Digitized by 



Google 



Fbbbuabt 8, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



59 



But, for all he looks so solemn, 
No less he twigs the fun, 

E'en while his brow on Dizzius 
Appears to frown *' Ha' done ! " 

" Leaders should not be laughers," 

(He holds) ** whate'er their case ; 
If in, 'tis too triumphant ; 

If out, 'tis not in place. 
Or. if a laugh be needful " — 

Which he does not belieye — 
",The Arxispio's lau^h should neyer 

Extend beyond his sleeYe. 



** For screen and stay are giyen 

The crown their brews that hide, 
The staffs they bear to lean on. 

Their gowns that sweep so wide. 
An^pics must be solexnn, 

Or now will Eome giye heed 
To the oracles they utter, 

The omens that they readP 

'* For ArCkspios to be solemn 

Is a duty most of all, 
On the day when to its session 

The Gomitia they calL 



If Augurs and An^pios 
Thus indulge in a guffaw, 

Woe 's me, for the Comitia, 
That meet to make new Law I 

" Dizzius and Mekrtpsbblius,— 

As shining lights we stand, 
To t^ach no laughing matter 

Is that we haye in hand. 
His girds at our Comitia, 

Can Punch be asked to rue. 
If he knew that High Arilkspics 

Dared to laugh at them too P" 




OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

(8t$U anwrtg " Thu OM MasUrs" Bt pttt as far rtw Nufnber Si^sf- 
JSighit ^nd iken addreu^ the Editor o^ uawiL] 

You left me. Bit, seated 
in Gfrnllery No. I. I do 
not, as Y'oor RepreB@nta- 
tive at & theatre^ sit in 
the Gallery, but atiBur- 
Enfitbon House, jon will 
^^uadertt&ad, thli is uq- 
avoidable. You wiU not 
be thought the worsi* of 
because /was in this)Q&l- 
• lery. There «*, of oonrse, 
soma Gallerieiij where I 
would not be Baeiif and 
some where, whether as 
Your EepreieutatiYe or 
not, I would» Am in.- 
stan06B of the iatt^, let 
me name the Gallerf of 
both Honsefi of Farlia^ 
mentf the WhiBpering Gal- 
lery at St. Paiir&, and the 
Gdllery of Hlofttration, 
Regent Street. At thea^ 
treat to be among the 
Olympian^ : deities, with 
J up iter in his shlrt- 
aLeeTes, Juno suoking 
oranges, YaiLiiB (long be- 
fore her hath) , her gandy 
bonnet tied on to the rail m front, indaUing in lij?bt and elei^ant 
hadinajfe with a shining, well-lardedt and carefully^ waxed Mars, 
while Ganymede bands ronnd the pewter &Lled from the oaa supplied 
by a Qeigkbouring Baeobns H<>p-timua, whose hoasef by order of 
Lyotir^us, maat b*i cloaed at midnight— to sit in snch a Gallery of 
Ouda in neither to my taate not to yours : and anyone e atoning 
sight of me so placed, has, I admit, a right to adapt the Frenoh 
queation to my English nnden^tandinj^ by aaJdag m^, ** What the 
deuoe are you doing in that Gallery Y '' 

** From snob dreams of thee I aroie," as the poetwonld, perhaps, 
hR?e said, bad be not written it differently, pattixig the verb in the 
present tense firat, and omitting the adjective ; but there 's ne saying 
what a poet might or might not do. At all eventi, in brief, I *aro&e 
from my seat, and liAvingj oat of eompHment to the artistic Gtnim 
Zoct\ drawn myaelJ up to my fall lengtb— I mean height— I paused 
for one moment to see if I was '* the observed of all obaervers/* Sir, 
I waa not. This was enongh for me, and I at onoe proceeded with 
my taak^ I had det^^rminied to make my vistt rather of the butter- 
fly tonob-and-go kind than to drain the buttercup to the dreg^. If 
you don't UkQ my poetie similes, yon oan piws them on. Your 
neigbbour^s taste may not be yonrs. I own that, as Yoor Repre- 
sentative, 1 d<^ go about droppbij? pearls and diamonds from my lips 
like the enchanted maiden : and the enchanted maidens are down 
on them at once, as though 1 were Btoeb a^u Mqutimeh f^^one luna- 
tio, and giving jeweb away : but, with these exoeptions, 1 know not 
before whose snout they falL I addreas myself to You, Bir, ai a 

model of all that is -^ But no miitter ; modelfl are not pieturos, 

and Bo, as I said before, to my task. 

I was Urst stopped bv Mrs. Drummfmd Smithy No. 14. painted 
by Gkoege IloMrrEY, and lent by the ILittUUi* op KoKTUAMrrosf* 
It repreienta a lady with a bat like a paper fire-baUoon oolUp.^ed in 
its descent upon her bead. The sudden shoek has made her hair 
turn grey, 

** And wbfin Ui»oo*ko saw her looks thtw fray. 
He wDnd'riiig gkLzed, nor had ©oe word to any " — 

^^whiob would have been mf oaae to & ounal's hair had not my eye 



oaught DoB^ir*s Portrait Group just above—eiyidently placed there 
by some one with a keen appreciation of the hnmoroos in the fit- 
ness of thiogs. The Three Gentlemen here portrayed are diieiusing 
the balloon acoident below, and flTplaJTiing now it happened. The 
ar^ment app^ari to haTe been a warm one» as thej an in their 
shiTt^aleeyee, made, however^ of nlk* 

No. 17. Portrait of the Mm. Henry ErMne^ Lord Advocate of 
Scotland^— Rq mtms to he wearf <Kf his own azfomentB in fayonr of 
Sootl&nd, and the Court (myieli) is not with hmi« as I am an adyo- 
oate for England is a reaidenoe. 

No. 21, Portrmt of Mrs* IVederiek ^entrntfi^.^*' Hemming I 
She *9 not eren sewing I ^ said my friend WAee, who had drawn 
my attention to this picture on purpose to let off this joke. I said, 
'* Tuah I " and brr )d the dust off my ooatHdeeye at him. For- 
tunately he obeeitba an acquaintance in a far eom«r, and was off 
immediately to bring him to see 'So. 21^ and bflar his naw conceit. 
Conoeit I Mall should think so. 

No, 35.— O, Miss LmLBT, afterwards Mbs. SHBUDAir, how lovely 
yon are ! 0, Thomas GAnrsBoaouaH, Thoicas GAnrsBOBOireH, 1 
A.nd !f Baeon Lioitbl db Bothsohild, M.P., ever wishes to offer a 
testLmonial to one who knows nothing whatever about him, and for 
no particular objuot, let him send the picture, carriage-paid, to the 
residence of Your Representative, who, as his petitioner. wUl never 
oease to pray, at osnrenicnt times, &o.« &c. iTot much less conhl I 
say of 

No, 49. Mrt. C, S/nithf of Aithemie,Shd is Carmkhael-Sfnyth 
in the Oatalogue. But Smvth will ever be Smith to me, and a Rose 
as R>aae will ameU as sweet ; just as a Thistle, if called a G^aniuooL, 
would stiU be a Tliistle to any donkey, Sootch-wise or otherwise. 

No. 5G» Portrait of Mfldame BaceelU^ Dancer ^ who, with a whole 
box of Jrouge on her cheeks, and painted eyes and forehead, might 
be, in age, the number of her picture ; and this number would dos- 
sibly suggest to the apocryphal— no, I mean tiie Apooalypac— 
Da. CuioiDf&, one with which he has proved himself very familiar. 

57. A Kunti'ftg Scene^ hy Geo. Morland.—lakid a snsiuasd jnono 
note on a wind iastnunent, it is long and low. 

Entering Galkry tlie Second, I foond the piotere of a Japanese 
lady in Kensington Gardens during a London fos% She u dis- 
tiguring the trees, in the absence of the officials. This is labellod 
No. 5d, Tolk^ Uge, Ite Csjie^— which was tnuulated by an 
aspiring olassie, '' Go to Chanel," which he intended as a eorrection 
on the original mistaken reaoing, '* Gb it, ye Cripples ! " 

Hushl not a word. See me, Sir, representing: You, stealing on 
tip-toe up'to Ko* t33, by Smirkb, R.A.. fdelicious Thaokerayan name 
for a pointer I), and watch me as I stand amazed before that eminent 
artisfs pioture of " Ghosts Disturbed at Play," but which is cun- 
ningly catalogued [so as not to frighten the tunid) as The Jfut- 
Gatherers, 

While in this almost reverential mood. I came npon No/(S8, by 
BAUTOLOMi EHTsnAN MuBiLLO, whlch I hold to be a good mouth- 
ful, and altogether better than Bob Smirkb, R.A^ So doubt Bar- 
TOLo^ EsT£B\K MuBiLLO kucw what a good dinncT was as well as 
any one, and tbci specimens in this Gallery (arraiurod evidently by 
the same person or persons whose humorous sense offttness I notioed 
in No« 10 wodd go far to prove it. 

I should say aUi) that he often took his dinner at a Restaurant, 
whither he was compelled in consequence of the trouble caused him 
by his own domestics. Now, while dining at this Restaurant one 
day, it OG (burred to B. E. Murillo, whose servants had. as usual, 
grumbled at having to feed occasioiially on cold meat, *' uke," they 
impudently iaidt ^*cats," to eive them a lesson with his brush. 
These were, ba it rememberea, not only old Times, but good old 
Tioies ; and so the Old Master,;who had left the Old Missui at home 
to have it out with the Cook, at once hit upon a subject from Sacred 
History as paraboUcaUy fitted for conveying the moral he had in 
Tiew. The idea developed into Abraham Entertaining the Angels 
(No, 6^). Hd worked the notion out thoroughly with a cold leg of 
mutton and a !aj-i^e mince-pie, both probably from models in his own 
larder. Orer tht) patriarch's arm he placed the likeness of the 
waiter^s napkin, and thus intimated that the Master of the feast 
was himself obliged to dine at the Restaurants. Such I take to be 



60 



PUNCH, OR TAB LONDON CHARIVARL 



[FlBgUABT 8, W3. 




'WARE WIRE I 

SoENX — OhUd and Pony come to Cfrief, 
Mfi. Punch. "WILL TSI8 makv. YOU MOVE YOUR WIRE, MR. GRUBBINSt" 



the monl of No. 68. It eyidendy reformed the houiehold^ as in 
No. 65 BABiOLOMi EeiSBAir Mtjxillo paid his seryanti a oompK- 
ment which they miut haye highly apjyreoiated after the rebuke 
oonveyed in the former picture. No. 68 u, as I haye said« Abraham 
EnUrtaining the Angeh^ and No. 65 is Xa CuUine des Angos. So 
farewell for the present, Don BABiOLOMi Esixbajt Mijbillo. 
"Farewell* braye Spaniard, and when next"— or, rather, what 
next F No need to harry. FeiUna lente is my motto. Halt I The 
next ifl.No. 80, before wmch picture I shall be found, thai as now, 
Mosttnily, 

YOTTB BxPBJBBNTAHyE. 

P.S.— I'ye just seen an adyertisement wherein the Alhambra 
management announces that there is now " Increased comfort and 
warmth. Draughts entirely stopped." Glad to hear the subject 
has been so soon yentilatea. Your Bepresentatiye wrote to you. 
Sir, iu Christmas week on that current-of-air topic in those Alham- 
bra Stalls. " Nobody knows," perhaps, as Miss Kathertne SiinxEX 
knows, but eyeryone feels as If eel—about draughts. Let our ears 
be stopped by^ Clay (nothing more pleasant) but not by wool, in 
dread of, or iu consequence of, rheumatic neuralgic aches and 
pains. I'll catch a tune with anyone any day of the week, but 
not a cold. On dii. that the trayelling company of Comedians 
under the direction ox Mk. Youvo, is to appear at the Chtting Cross 
Theatre in a modem piece after the withdrawal of 2%«i2»t>alf. This 
is as it should be : the Old Comedy Company making way for the 
Young Comedy Company. Adieu, Lsosoba I 



A Plain dueation. 

<< Mount, dariog warbler ! that loTe-pronpted gtrain 
rXwixtlthee and thine a neyer^faifing bond) 
ThziUs not the leas the bosom of the plain." 

Cast any naturalist or psychologist explain why the song of the 
skylark (according to these lines of Woiidswobih) should produce 
such peculiar emotions iu the breast of persons of unprepossessing 
appearance? 



"IP I WEBE A DONKEY/' 

If I were a Donkey, I wouldn't go 
In deputation to tadde Bob Lowe ; 
For he'd hit me hard, and he 'd cry, '* No go ! 
Go home, Neddy I" 

He'd floor my fallacies with a flout ; 
He 'd knock my facts and figures about ; 
First show me up, and then show me out. 

With a " Go home, Neddy ! *' 

You can't persuade him that black is blue. 
Nor that one and one make three, not two : 
Nor that sauce for goose won't for gander do— 
Nor that I'm not Neddy I 

When Bbigos he talked about " higher laws," 
Bob was down upon him with teeth and daws, 
And pinned poor Bbigos to his *' why " and " because," 
like a poor old Neddy ! 

When " Shops " came to ntter their griefs 'gainst " Stores," 
Bob Logic soon brought them down, all-fours. 
And poured oil of yitriol in their sores^ 

The poor old Neddies I 

And so it is to whoeyer may come. 

Big-wigs from the Bank, or Boughs from the slum. 

He makes himself crusty, to all and some. 

And proyes they 're Neddies. 

For his office water-decanter, I think. 
His bottle for Deputations to drink. 
Is filled from Truth's well, and it makes yon wink. 
You poor old Neddies I 

Well, in these soft times, more smooth than sooth, 
There's a yirtue in diMgreeable truth, T 

And to tell it, sans phrasSf my Bob's the youth, ^ (T I P 
For BritM Neddies I O 



Fbbruabt 8, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



61 




GENUINE ENTHUSIASM. 

PraeUad Penon (wJio fondly imagines that Piddles v>ere made to be played vpofi). 
" "Well, but what Sort op Tons hab rr got t ** 

MetU Connoisseur (wTio kntyws hetior), '* Tons be Hanqxd 1 What's teat 
got to do with it? Look at the Yabnish, Man! Look at the Double 
PuBFLiNo I Look at the exquisite Cubves of the Back and Belly ! Why, 

I 00X7LD GAZE AT THAT ViOLIN FOB HOUBS, AND I WOULDN'T PaBT WITH IT FOB 

A HuNDBED Pounds!" 



PBETTY PUSS. 

Tou 'ye read, if not, you are aware 
That others haYe, at least, 

A fiotion which the name doth bear 
Of *' Beauty and the Beast." 

The Beast and Beauty there are two ; 

Bat, where there 's Reason none, 
We than those twain too often Tiew 

Together joiaed in one. 



^' OompariflOiis wiXk a Long TaQ." 
A Sdois Magnate has just been stating that ** the 
three beoiks/inost pojpiilar in Seodand are the Bible, 
Bumpan, and Burns, aai tikst he does not know three 
better ones." The tea^uag of the two first is found, we 
suppose, an antidote to the teaching of the third, or the 
Scotch police would here hnd work. But (pasnnff OYcr 
the irrcYerenoe of bradcsting the first Yolume with any 
other) we will back l2M^i|sl]sh Tinker against the 
Sooton Exciseman, and we rejoMo that the pious country- 
men of t^e latter find the Interpreters Sermon as 
edifying as Holy Wilk^i Pra§w. 



Wiadota. of Wailflowers. 

"To what goal daily we adYance 
All people know ; iM^ many danoe." 
'* li dancing make you cease to think 
Of ills, then better dance than drink." 
•* Ay, but, though guiltless e'en of Bobur, 
Perpend that ' no man dances sober/ 

Novel Application. 

A Cobbbspofdent, who we fancy has sinoe been adver- 
tised for by his friends & the papers, writes to say that 
it struck him, during the recent Byronio oontroversy, 
that the words "there let him lay," might be not in- 
appropriately applied to Tattebsall's. This idea of hw 
seems to us to be about on a par with many others imioh 
have already appeared in print. 



VUSSBET XHTU FOB &.XJL FBZMGB ALFRIP. 

Hi diddle diddk, 

The Duke and the Fiddle. 



PETnOOATS IN PARLIAMENT. 

Please, dear Mr, Ptmeh, will you use joja ^oteerftd w\fluenee to 
procure for us poov ladies some better seats in Parliament P Of 
course we don't aspire'o^prMan^ to have regular Members' seats, but 
I do think it a peat shame that we should all be huddled up so in 
that nasty homd bird-cage of a Ghillery, where nobody can see us or 
admire our pretty dresses. I'm sure our presence would serve 
vastly to enliven the debates, if we only were made viable : and it 
would be so jolly just to catch the Spbakbb's eye, and make him 
blush, poor man, as he called us all to order I Only see how 
famously the ladies are treated at Yersailles— but thai, of course, 
you know, the French are perfect models of politeness :— 

** As a rale, it ii a seTere trial for one's gallantry to see, especially on a 
field-day, the Chamber Bwamung with ladies in the best seats, many of whom 
oome, not through the slightest degree of intelligent interest in the debates, 
but for the fun of the railway journey backwards and forwards, and as they 
might go to a ohurch or an ordinary theatre to exhibit and compare toilettes. 
I noticed to-day that one lady had brought her bonne, whose plain oap stood 
out with highly picturesque effect from among the bonnets of the front row. 
The ladies, in fact — owinr, let us hope, to French gallantry, not to Frendi 
friyolity — are pretty nearly omnipotent in the Chamber, getting as many of 
the best seats as they like. ' 

There now, fancy that I Imagine what a f ass there would be in 
our Parliament, if we poor ladies all petitioned to be served like our 
French sisters I You men pretend to love us and admire us and all 
that, but when will you ever dream of letting us become " omni- 
potent" in Parliament P As for eiving your best seats to us, of 
course, that 's too much to expect, though I 'm sure that we should 
make the House look vastly prettier. Only think how nice the front 
benches would look, if filled with gay costumes instead of dowdy 
broadcloth I And those odious black chimney-pots which men will 



persist in wearing even in the House, how mooh nieer it wonld be 
were they all bamshed to the back, and if the front rows were re- 
served for elegant new bonnets I ... X 
Of oourse, poor ladies can't expeot just yet to nse.i&eir tongues in 




help us very sensibly to infiuenoe a debate, although we took no wal 
part in it. A man would never venture to make a st&pid spee<m if 
he beheld a formidable row of laughing eyes all ready to make fun 
of him : and not even Ma. Atbtok would dare to speak unmYiUy, 
when tiiere were ladies present, with flashing eyes all levelled to 
shoot out angry glances at him. ^ . t^ i. x j 

Hoping, therefore, soon to have a proper seat in Parliament, ana 
not be cooped up in the bird-cage, as though I were a parrot, I 
reinain,dearJfr.'!?tincA, your weekly reader and (wforer, 

Akt ABAB^r.LA Amrs. 

P.S.— I 'm sure that English ladies are guite capable of taking an 
" intdligent interest" in debates, and would never dream of joing 
thereHtor fun," for Parliament has grown so sternly serious of late 
that now-a-days there 's never any fan in English politics.g 



Oaucasiaix OouxtlinesB. 

Sossn— About Wsttminater, Two DUtinguiahed Personages mating. First 

Person Bajwn R-thsoh-ld. 8teond Person, St. How. B. D-sra-li. 

Baron R-thsch-ld. My dear Ben, you can answer me tiiis. Who 

would you say would be the best representeUve of the 6Me of 

Sooifitv eh P 

Rt. Honourable B, D-sra-li. My dear Baron, no fiattery. but the 
best representetive of the Slite of any Society must be— ahem— an 
lerailite, [Exeunt both, arm-tn-arm. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[F2BBVABT 8, 1873. 







A RANK DECEPTION. 



PriwUe SmUheri, ''Bls88ED if I haven t Lost *alf a Stone in Weight, a Toiun' up the Castle Hill to these 'ere Field - 
Private Leary. " Hould yeb Whisht there, Tim ! If the Offiobes hear te, tuey 'll be Thryin* ye bt Coort-Martial for 

MAKIN*. AWAY WID. GoVER'MBNT PROPERTY ! ! *' 



S.^ALIA8 AND S. ALIBL 

Our respeeted Catholio oontemporary, the Tablet^ is somewhat 
exeroifled beoaiue Mr, Punch Yentared, ia the most good-natured 
maimer to suggest that his Holiness the Pope (of whom 3£r, Punch 
neyer speaks or thinks disrespeotfully) might haye told oertaiu 
Ecunan children a better story thui that of ^e alle^d disooyery of 
the bones of SS. Philip and Jaoob. Now it was precisely because the 
Pops is notoriously gifted with humour, as well as other fine quali- 
ties, that Mr, Punch made the obseryation, and a candid Catholic 
should haye peroeiyed a compliment to the Head of his Church. But 
the Tablet objects to Mr, Punch's mode of speliing a certain name. 
Mr, P, is not greatly troubled on this, as he has referred to D&. 
WiLLiAK Smith (a better authority than the whole Sacred Colle^ 
put together), and finds that in the memoir of S. Philip the name is 
spelt by the learned Smith as Mr, Punch spelt it The great point 
made by the Tablet is, unluckily, its weskest. It asserts that it 
was the Lesser S. James whose remains were brought to £ome. If 
the Saint is the lesser, the miracle is the bigger. For whereas it is 
known where Great S. James was buried. Catholic writers are 
dirided in opinion as to whether the Lesser James was interred in 
the Yalley of Jehoshaphat, or in the Mount of Oliyes. But it equally 
happened fiye hundred years before the foundation of the Church 
where the relics are supposed to be. Jhe Tablet says '* it is be- 
lieyed" that they were translated. Well, it is not belieyed by 
rational persons. But let difference of belief neyer alter friendship ; 
and Mr, Punch blots the Tablet's unkindness from the tablets of 
his memory. 

A Preference Pedigpree. 

I HAD rather be the descendant of Sib Thomas Lucy than Shak- 
SPEASs's. As the former I should boast of a good old English pedi- 
gree ; and there would be no inyidious comparison drawn between 
me and my ancestor. 



THE BEST-ABUSED NATION. 

Why dp the German Smbes take up the tale 
Of Eegland's oowarcuoe, decline, decay, 

Dropt by the French, who likewise used to rail, 
And compliments, by sboffd and slanders, pay f 

But these jost now haye other work on hand 
Than any which they know we should oppose. 

On Belgium no designs by France are planned ; 
So we are not abused as looked-for foes. 

Mere cause for loye to Gtermans we haye giyen. 

What can the meaning of their rancour be P , 

Do they, too. by prophetic fury driyen, 

Detest us for a reason they foresee Y 

Of " woe to those of whom all men speak well,'' 
The oonyerse also could we take for true, 

In what serenity might Britons dwell. 
Maligned, derided, feared, the wide world through ! 

The Nations are assured we ne'er shall fight 
Until we need, and then we shall, they know. 

Hence their effusions of enyenomed spite, 
Which, eke, in part, from sayage enyy flow. 

But, gentle John, let Brothers ne*er proyoke 
Thee, whilst they do but curse, and wish thy fall. 

Spei^ the street words which Nelson, partlt/, spoke. 
Say, " Bless those Foreigners, I loye them all ! " 



Adyige to Critics.— Fling not dirt at new discc^d^ im 
after you may haye to eat it. 



^re- 



MAttdbyJi 



oanh Smith, of No. M. H0U6M 8oiuu«. la the Pani h of tt. Juam, (UrkmiweU, u the Oomatf of MiddlewBX. at the PrlAttnff Ofloee of ICenn. BrMlhvry. Amewj* 0o« l^lMfft 
, Irnlht StSkot of i?li(e£^, S?tlM0lt7 of Umdom, had PahUahwl hj him at No. af.Tlflet Stmt, la the PariBh of St. Bride, aty of Loadoa—SArvMAT. Fcbnuir S, W7I. 



Febbvart 15, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVARI. 



63 




^ 



TatmsDAT, Fishtuttrt/ 6, 1873.— Tha Legisktiye EcgiTie, which fcis 
be«n out of gear for some montliBt was again atX gomg. The 
new I^rd Cnancellorp Loud SfcLHORNE^ olifn Siu RocNDELt 
pAXJlKt, dfeUvfired the Queeu'ii Spt3€eh in wa admirable manaeh 
TH« Katural History of Belb^tma Blioold «Ute that he hA4 4 
highly -oducattd T»ice« 
The Speech hcgaa mih a pie*sant phrajw : 

** I gr^iit yoti cofdialjtr <m Jour re-iusemhling for the discha^ 
of Jotjr momentous dutlea," 

Kbe Majmty wai pl«a««d i^ hdU the Mloiring imiiuU :— 

Friendehip with iill ForoigE Powuri. 

DiapaUh ol Envoy to Biippreis the Slave Trade in EtAi 
Airiua* 

Gfl-rmim Emiieror'B deoisian io favour of Amerioa, m re- 
gards the Ilaro Ohatmah 

W« Bubmitt and ^vnQuat^ BL Jaan. 

0eneva Axbitratlou df cisirtn in favuiir of Amerloa, M Tt* 
gatds the Direct Claims. 

"We lubmit, and you will 1 



iniB. 1 



Yoi. Lxrv. 



64 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[FSBBUABT 15, 1873. 



We are very mnoh obliged to the Qermsa Emperor, and to the 
Tribunal at Qeneva. 

[S<wereiffns shotUd he poUUt !/aur MajMty, hU realfy^-^ 
Extradition Treaty with King of the BiLaLLVS. 
New Gommeroial Tr^ity with Franoe is in hand. 
England and Bossia agree that the northern frontier of Afghan- 
istan should be d^ed. There has been oorrespondenoe on 
the topio. 

[Bf/ the toayy your MaJMiy^ it $eem$ to occur to nobody 
that on the' whole the Afghans themselvee might 
Just he tuked where they think their country ends. 
The Estimates will be as moderate as possible, considering how 

high oertain prices- are. 
Hanrest somewhat deficient, bat trade, reyenne, and deerease of 

pauperism and crime generally satisfactory. 
A measure will be submitted for settling the queetbn of Uni*- 
yersity Education in Ireland. 

[" Heard ye the din of hattk^hrayt 
Lance to lance^ and horse to horse f " 
Many measures which you haye already considered, you will be 
good enough to consider again. Specially, you must create 
a Supreme Court of Judicature. Also, you .will hear of 
proposals 

For making Land Transfer easier. 
For amending Local Taxation. 

[ The only remark on this, your Minfesty, is ** Ah ! " 
For amending the Education Act of 1870. 

[Another exclamation would he pardonable here, 
your Mqfesty, hut Mr, Punch is as polite as 
any Sovereign* 
For amending Railway and Canal Law. 
The Speech ended with a Prayer for the Highest Guidanoe and 
Fayour ; and Mb. DisRiLBLi, at the end of his speech on the Address, 
expressed his opinion that neyer were these more needed than now. 

LofiD Clabsnbon (once the *' little Lord Hrns, with his Ohewtor." 
of one of Thackrrat's Irish Ballads) moyed the Address in the 
Lords. He introduced a graceful reference to the death of the 
Emfibob Napolboit, and, after a brief sketch of the topics of the 
Speech, modestly expressed a fear that with almost unparalleled 
effrontery he had yentured ** to rush in where angels fear to tread." 
We like a young gentleman to quote, but Lobd Clabhtdov is no 
fool, and we are not aware that any angels in particular haye been 
deterred from making remarks on Gfeneya and Trinity College, 
Dublin. 

Lord Moittbagijb seconded with ability and conciseness, and said 
" he should rejoice as an Irishman " if the Education question were 
duly settled. We haye seen Irishmen rejoice in a yery demonstra- 
tiye way, and haye shared their rejoicings ; but he ouffht not to haye 
threatened this in the presence of the Bishops. Stul, he has pre- 
cedent in the case of the Blameless Sing, in Tom Thumbs 

«* To-night 
It ii our royal pleasure to be drunk. 
And this our Qaeen shall be as drunk as we," 

. The Eabl of Debet, haying oomplimented his yoong friends on 
the talent and moderation of their orations, thongnt the description 
of the state of the country rather rose-coloured, oonsidering that the 
battle between Capital and Labour was neyer fiercer. Our income 
had increased, but it was because we imbibed more, in fact '* we 
had drunk ourselyes out of the American difficulty.'' The Irish 
Press was sragged, and a tremendous Coercion Act was ready to the 
Yiceroy*s nana, so we can hardly talk of improyed good feeling 
in Ireland. He hoped the Irish Education question would be 
settled, but anything that would satisfy the Dominant Hierarchy 
would offend the re«t of us, and would certainly not find its way 
up to the Lords. (Will Me Clear It f) He heartuy welcomed Lobd 
Seleioen'b, and hopad, rather tbaii expected, that ne would aooom- 
plisb law^ refcirm. That egs. was atrewn with wrecks. He trusted 
the Ztinzi\id.T butiaeaa was not to ^et us into all sorts of mosses, and 
that the Afi^haniatan buameos did not mean the extension of our 
frontier. He suggested that by a Ooyemment blunder the St. Juan 
decision^ whioh might haye baen in our fayour, was neoessarily 
ad VQ rse. £ m p baH nail ^, there was nothing to be congratulatory about, 
as regarded the Wa.shington Treaty, ^le Americans would neyer 
have urone to war for that moner^ and we certainly haye not made 
tbem better friends by allowing tKem to outwit us. Moreoyer, we 
have enaoted a moit mischieyoua set of new Rules. Howeyer, he 
was (^lad to hear that the 3pe^h menaced nothing of a yiolent or 
reyalutioQary oharaater, 

[On the whiile^ the cnticitm can hardly he called gushing, or 
even affecimnat^i my Lord, 



The Foreign Secretary, Lobd QBiiryiLLB, after warning his 
young friends that the duplay of such talents entitled the House to 
look tor their future exercise, intimated that he considered Lobd 
DsBBr*s speech as a Wet Blanket Mr, Punches Cartoon of 
" Humble Pie " seems to haye occurred to Lobd aBA.irnxLB, and he 
objected to the charge that the dish in question had been consumed. 
He answered Lobd Dbbbt with considerable adroitness, on most 
points, but people want to know what the Foreign Minister had to 
say about Russia and India. WelU it is this, and when you haye 
read it, Mr, Punch will only softly say, with the Silent Woman 
(before she breaks out as a termagant), " Judge you, forsooth," 
which word is the Saxon forsothe^ and is much used by weak 
yessels, who think that it sounds nobly indignant. 

** If a purty says * fonooth,' 
Please knock oat that party's tooth." 

We are not f riyolous^we are keeping away from an unpleasant ifoL 
Howeyer, out it must come. Lobd Qbavtillb stated that the late 
Lobd Cla.bendon declared that the Afghanistan line ought to be 
drawn, and told Russia so. Russia talked and talked, ana nothing 
was done. Lobd GBAiryiLLB took the same yiew, told Russia so, 
and Russia allowed that it was right, but objected to the line being 
drawn as England desired. But the St. Petersburg Goyernment 
assures us that nothing like that ought to be a cause of quarrel, and 
Lobd GBiiryiLLE is so sure of the Czib's good intentions that he 
begs we will belieye all is right But, the fact stands that two 
British Foreign Ministers have demanded the line since 1859, and it 
is not drawn in 1873. 

LoBDS Sausbubt and CiJRirs had hard things to say on the 
American question. The latter highly eulogised Sib Alexavdbb 
CocKBirav*s statement of the case, on which AiB. Lowe had been 
petulant, but it would be remembered when his *' financial eccentri- 
cities '' should be forgotten. 

The Lobd CHAjroBLLoa's maiden speech was then deliyered, but 
it was nearly restricted to an argument that the Arbitrators* Rules 
introduced no new principles of law, and that we were not bound by 
any mere propositions adyanced in discussion at Geneya. 

The Diteb of Richhond then castigated the Goyemment and a 
good many other persons, and when he was tired, we suppose, Hii 
Grace left eff. Anyhow, he left off, and that was the main thing, 
though we did not get to dinner tUl past nine, which is too late. Of 
course, the AddrMs was agreed to. 

In the House of Commons, Mb. GLAJierroKi was loudly applauded, 
and when Mb. Diseabu came in he was markedly cheered from 
both sides, and there is no need to remind any one what that greeting 
signified. The House of Commons is, for the present at alieyents, 
an assembly of Gentlemen, and not ** a habiution for Zim and Jim 
and eyery unclean thing." 

Yery many notices were giyen, and seyeral of our old friends are 
to the front with their accustomed absurdities, whereof, and with 
the moyers theuroof, let us hope to make good sport, literary and 
pictorial, when the blunders blossom. 

'< When the child is man, we bora the rod," 

says Mb. BBOWirnre ; but some children will not grow up, and so 
Mr, Punches rod remains unconsumed, and pickled in pure malt 
yinegar. Perhaps he may try a little Tundin^ on the more heinous 
oflfbnders, and make them '^galled geese of Winchester." 

Mb. Ltttlbiov (Bast Worcestershire) moyed, and Mb. Stonb 
(Portsmouth) seoonded the Address. Both did credit to themselyes, 
the latter gentleman especially distinguishing himself as anything 
but a stone of stumbling. , 

Mb. Disbaeli remarked on the preponderanoe of Foreign Affairs 
in the Speech, and aporoyed this. The House should remember 
that it was not only a Yestry, but a Senate. But he went at once 
to the Irish Education item, and remarking sarcastically on tiie diffi- 
culty of reconciling the adyancement of learning with the rights of 
"conscience," hoped that the promise did not only mean the sacri- 
fice of a famous and learned Uniyersity to substitute for it the 
mechanical mediocrity of an Examining Board. He thought the 
last (secular) paragraph had been drawn up by somebody who had 
studied sll the yagrant rhetoric of the reoess. That was a saf e^- 
yalye; butlreoess talk should be regarded as the autumn foliage. We 
ought to get to business in serious fashion. But he saw small ohanoe 
of this, after ^prommine. We should haye hurry-scurry debates, 
helter-skelter legiuation, and a terrible July. Then, at consider- 
able length he censured things generally, but added that Russia had 
a right to try to ffet at the sea, as this way only could she feed her 
peoplflL and supply raw material for industry. But if she tried more 
than this, she must be resisted. Her idea of seizing Constantinople 
was a frMik of ambition ; her attempt to conquer India a dis- 
tempered dream. 

Mb. Hobsmajt was cleyerly bitter about America, but was as 
deyerly told by Mb. Bebval Osbobit e that his speech should haye 
bcMi made last year. Mb. White said something offensiye about 
the builders of the Alabama, for which Ma. Laibd promptly called 



FlBBUABT Iff, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



65 




i '- ARCADES AMBO. 

Oliver {who Jias come in the same Cab wiih Roland), **You*aM all biqht, old 

MAK» rOR I HSABD TOU RSHBABSING THE TDIOTIO StOKT T0U*RB GOING TO TBLL 

AT Supper!" 

Roland. "And tou^rs all Right I for I heard you Rehearsing the 
IDIOTIC Song you 're going to Sing after ! " 



COMPROMISE WITHOUT CONCESSION. 

Thb orthodox def«nden of the Athanaiian Creed, 
how sealous ■oerer, may yet be said, in holdinflr their 
late meeting at St Jamee*8 Hall and the Hanover Square 
Rooms in two parti nmnltaneonaly, to have been atjing 
things by halves. That, however, is a remark to whioh, 
as it mav seem to savonr of buffoonery, they will perhaps 
not be disposed to pay anv very serious attention. They 
were, in reality, most entliusiastio, their numbers were 
very great, their respeotability was the highest, and, 
as the Postf in commenting on their assembly, truly 
says:— 

'< The inteUigenoe of the vut avdienoe ii to be taken into 
aeoount" 

Yes; and it must have been considerably above the 
average if they^ were capable of understanding the Creed 
of St Athanaaius. Of course they are capable of under- 
standing it who really believe it Equally, of course, 
those who really disbelieve it can understand it too. 
May there not, though, be very many people who believe 
that they believe it^ and alao, perhaps, aa many who 
believe that they disbelieve it and are all of them on 
both sides alike mistaken P Do not they* together, con- 
stitute the vast majority ? Do the EngUsh words of the 
Athanasian Creed, translated, convey to their minds any 
ideaa that would not in truth be as effectually con- 
veyed, even to those the least learned, by the original 
QiUcunque vuU f Now this question seems to suggest a 
way out of a oontroversy which may be thought to afford 
a great deal too much amusement to Papists and Dis- 
senters. Could not Convocation ask Parliament to allow 
the creed of St Athanasiiis, exceptionally, to be recited 
in Latin ? By thia expedient very much would be done 
to prevent the possibility of any contention as to its 
meaning. Those who hold by the Athanasian Creed 
would be assured that they heard its geniiine versitfn, 
and, as for the rest, it would offend the ears of very few, 
whilst then also it would really and truly be read no 
more at all than it is now in ** a tongue notunderstanded 
^of the people." 

Gk>od Old 8tuff. 

On Candlesmas day it was dark, and snew. 
A spell of mild weather has thence been due 
By your doggerel rhymes antique we 're told. 
But the weather has since been bitterly cold. 



him to account, and elicited the deolaratbn that Mr. Whtts had 
not meant to assail that gentleman. 

Mb. Oladsionx, after compliments to the new speakers, and a 
beooming and respectful reference to Mb. Disbaelts bereavement, 
instinctively applied himself to the Irish Education question (" Heard 
ye the dm f " etc.) as that on which battle must come. He declared 
that the advancement of learning in Ireland was not irreooncileable 
with the sanctity of rights of conscience. The task would be diffi- 
cult but he relied on the support of Parliament and favourable 
construction. He thought we ought to regard Russia's expedition 
to Khiva as we should have insisted on our own into Abyssinia being 
regarded. Due care would be taken of our commercial interests in 
dealing with France. He then replied to Mb. Disbakli on the 
American question, and contended that thouffh we had, of course, 
gained no certain^ of perpetual peace, we had brought a very large 
number of irritating matters to a peaceful issue, and he believed 
that on the whole, this nation took the right view of the business, 
unpleasant as it mirht be to hand over money. 

Mb. Habdt and Mb. Ybbvoit Habooubt spoke ; and the Chak- 
OELLOB 07 THB ExoHBQTTBB denied that he had meant to be rude to 
SiB Alexavdbb CooKBUBir. But he (Mb. Lowi) had a sincere 
horror and detestation of war, which arbitratbn prevented, but 
judgment should be given without reasons. 

LoBD BuBT thouffht Canada had been hardly treated, and had at 
least deserved kindly mention in the Speeeh. Sib S. Nobihoote 
■aid that Canada had not been ill-treated at all. He knows. 

The Address was agreed to, and we went away about half-past 
eleven. 

' There, Madam, for whom Mr. Punch, with pride and humility 
(mixed) usually distils this Ess. Pari. Bouquet I He has felt it his 
duty, in recording the opening night, to be slightly instructive, 
because he wishes you to understand the position of Men and Ques- 
tions. But he promises you that in the future, vou shall have less 
of the Parliament talk and more of his own delightful epigrams. 



which are your pride and joy and chief delight— apples of gold in 
pictures of sUver— fire-flies tangled in a silver braid. There will be 
some fuu this Session, Madam, and perhaps wigs on the green. 

Friday. -^^^ Thev have been at a great feast of languages, and have 
stolen tJie scraps,'' says one of Shaxspbabe's characters. To-night 
memb«ra seem to have come in, like good little children, to eat up 
the dessert Numbers of small speeches, on the topics of last night, 
were made. Nothing worth note was said, excent that Mb. Glab- 
STOirx, being questioned as to the course of legislatuTe, wisely said 
that he had learned by experience "to do one thing at a time.". 
So, to adapt Shaxspbabi again, " Go to, now for your one thing 
which you will do." 



REGISTRA^-GENERiLISATION. 

YuLi" has ceased to make "a fat churchyard." 
Weather which is " muggy " and " unseasonable " no longer favours 
the diffusion of zymotic oiseases. These conclusions are drawn by 
the Deputy-Registrar from figures afforded by the experience of tl^s 
one past year. Is that exactly the way to reason, medical gentle- 
men and philosophers F Suppose that in a given district undrained, 
the death-rate during a certain space of time, had, comparatively 
to that of adjoining orained districts, declined. Would jou jump to 
the conclusion that cesspools are salubrious P Are we quite sure that 
we have not just passed tlurough a season exceptional from unascer- 
tained causes, which, in its extraordinary effects on the Public 
Health, have constituted it the exception which proves tiie rule P 



MB«PniroH once 
about to Msrrv." : 
seasonable addition 



HABD TDCBS. 

gave a memorable word of advice *' To Perioni| 
He feels it to be his duty now to repeat it with al | > 
L— «« Don't "—until coals are cheaper. "^ V 



6« 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVABL [Fbbbuabt li, itTl 




8A.BBATARUHB 01^ STETKE. 

At a meetinjr hM tlie other day at Morthyrby WelA 
CoUieri on atrilc© (bleii them 1)» in the eourae of a speeoh 
inftd©, aooording to Ut& T(mi§, by one mLLiDAT :— 

" JL t50pf of the Iltui^traUd News <^f SaturdaF U|t WM wo- 
itlMd. and ail iUuitrfttujTi repfeaetiting a do^-fith^ at the Sunday 
^ooupatioa of Wehh Gollieri* wqa denotinMd inthfreatempbaiit, 
which WM endflreed bf the meBtiiif ,*' 

EeliiHoTiB and ieaBitive WeJih O^lUen oould not bnt 
resent the im|iutfttioa of h&ing mied to divert themawyea 
with doff-fi^htfiif Qu Saudari. T«t there is something 
ta be said for the eontemplation of doif-hffhtinf on any 
day whatfloeTer, if aot on Sanday eipaoially :— 
*• Let ^ogd d&light to burk and hiW." 

Tht h&nt of reaaoiu ii aaeigfled by De, Witw f or 
lettiaf th«!m ; and therefore alao it might be argoadthat 
what dog-a are ooiwtitiited to delitrht in doing men may 
properly deHi^ht to we. But tophistry apart, nndonbt- 
. edly the Welsh CoUieri on strike could spend Sondwr 
, better than in attending doff-ftyhtTf^. Works of neowmty 
are acknowledged e^en by 8abbat:armDS to be lawful on 
Sunday ; and, eonsidarinf tha ooal- famine which uose 
oolliers are wiokedir iiifiioting on the conunnnity, thns 
depriving people of a necesB^y of life^ they might 
pereeive that they would aot lifee Chnatians, and not 
t>th*jrwiie* in choosbf that day whereon to Tetum totiieup 
work. The batter the day the better the deed. There 
oaimot be a better day than Sunday for doing the work 
of rc'pentBinoe. At present fchiso piona fellows are keep- 
ing every day aa a Sabbath* or in other words keepmg a 
Sabbath smt *Jw, Not only m the Ftrat Day of the Week 
are they doing no manner ol worki but they remain 
equally idle on every other. 



ST. VALENTINE STYLITES. 

Mr, PvycH BEo/i to waoEtT to the Powers that Bb, that the Lokd 
Chamberlain, in the Capacity of Cbnsob, should have his Power extend^ 

TO THE gCAMINATION, EXPURGATION, AND, IP NECESSARY, REJECTION OF VALEN- 
TINES, worthy and competent Officers could be stationed at all Post- 
Offwm, Pillar-Boxes, &c., for tub purpos? of making Invbstioations. 



I *VK often lovftd a dear &ftKelle 

(By whiok I mean a maiden fair,) 
for her I 've purchased from RmiCBL 

A Yalentine most g*ay and rare. 
And on iti beauty ahe has smiled, 

it was BO Bweet she could not choose, 
Then said (it made m% 0, m wild), 

** RncMBi/s a dtiek, but you *re a 



I» 



Thx BBioAim'fl Bajtkib.— Ransom. 



WILL HE CLEAR IT ? 

0, Hnnting in Ireland 's the height o' good sport : 
Uu hones the last to leap shy or shert : 
Her ditehas the softest and sweetest for falls : 
Her Isnoes the break-aeekest style of stose walls : 
Her riders the seomfnllest ef a spill : 
Her foxes the 'onieet and hardest to kill : 
Her hounds the ehoteest for nose and wind : 
Her aovers the surest a fox to find : 
Bui unless you'd as soon oome to gwifi as not, 
And out of the saddle don't mind being shot. 
And little reck risking brain or bone, — 
You'd better leaye hunting in Ireland alone. 

W9t ms K.F.H. from the Saxon side, 

Who saf^ through an Irish run could lide ; 

But let nerve and judgment he what they might, 

And mount and seat be nevev so light, 

Beleie the paak had eeme to akiU 

Ho iMiiid it with him a oase of spffl. 

Kthir U f ode too hard al first, 

AnA was pompad out j nst as it oaMO to lia bnnit : 

Or Ua hand «m too Ught, or tee hafd his hold ; 

Or he eraaed at his f oiees, of went too bald : 

Or he fannied the ditches too easy to clear ; 

Or ha tkmg ht the waUs higher than tiiay 

But let him be slow, or let nim be fast. 

He found himself oome to grief at last. 

Tim GLApsToin, who liunts tbc Bt. Stephen's padPt 
A J>lnckier rider ne'er crossed a bact: ; 
And as if at hom^ he hadn't enou^n 
Of yawning raspers and fences tough. 



Aa tha ihre^lart seaaona hava oome roundi 
He has tried his luck over Irish ground ; 
A^ <^ ^t the ohaf&rs chaff their worst, 
Tous f i^ ne baa gone in flight th^ first ; 
Has baa bis mn, and has seen his kilL 
With scarce a shake, and neyer a spill, 
iyod, riding pluckily up to the pack, 
Es brought two Irish brushes back. 
To flank his side-board on either hand,^^ ^ ^ ,, 
One labelled " Church," and the other ** Land." 

And now, elated by what he 's dona, 

S:e 's out again for an Irish run ; 
ut this time oyer harder ground. 
For horse and rider, aa wall as hound. 
He managed to elear without a pitch 
That ugly yawner, Tenant-ria ht DitA ; 
And left the Slows of the field m the lurob, ^^ ^ 
At the rotten old fenoa round the Protestant Ghoroh ; 
But now aomes % harder leap to olear. 
And a mnsh mora serious eroppa? to fear, 
For right in his way. tUek, thieat'nmg, and t»ll, 
la the double-diteM EduoatioA*walL 
If that leap don't giye GhkDwmM a shsk*, 
Hf is a riaer, and fto mistakel 



tea for BimmU' 

^y tbe Claimant applied to, tt^9 authorities 



^JurisJ 
th^m 

repair th^roais when the applicant should mend his ways." 



of 



parish w^^ol^ i* *t prwent honwed W bU residence, regue — ^ 
th?m to repfir their roads. Had Mr, Punch been amoM the paro- 
chial magnates, bis answer would have been "IJiat they would 



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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON « 




44 



WILL HE 



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RIYARL— FsBBUABT Iff, 1873. 




OLEAE IT?" 



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l^n^T 15, 1873.] ^PUNCH,_02^fflL^^^^^^^ 



71 



A MOMENTOUS QUESTION. 




rrH eYery poft» 
Coireapoiidentfl m 
all parti of the 
world hsYeinquir^a 
of 3/r. Ptintf A, both 
l>y letter and tele- 
gram, whether, &» 
the ftrarti^ntli of 
Pehpuary fills this 
year on a FViday, 
the pfoverbially 
uulmeky charaotei 
of th*i day will 
have any distat^otw 
mflaenee on those 
tender miwivea— 
Tatyiuir ia price 
from ace penny to 
ten fuia^as^wbioh 
(ot age* past it has 
b^isn th* praotice in 
thbcotintryto eir- 
OiilatjeDESt,,Vakn- 
tine's Day. 

Mf\ Piinch^ wh<> 
liifi been hron^bl 
up in the old f*ith 
t^aobitu: the feixth 
day ^i th^ weeki 



thftir nortoaiU taken to write tbeir namea ViblyOT the back and 
ReC™!* If 5«r likeness ia not ftattenn^, that is. in your 
^pidon not t^thf ul, write somebodj elee ^s name (an enemy s) on it. 
Kd wonr opiiiion of the Artfat^s in capability on the baokj)f 
tL e^™ thna ** ThU tms intended hu Smvlm, R.A. Mme, 
TomkI^s ImU htm five hundred poHmhforii, ami tt unH mihs 
llTut I^Mhilteriiy to unkentaud that Iwa, a prBcimi 
^t h^r hJ^f than tku! I r^n^n Po^UrityU d.voUd adn^^er, 

iTtop We to make a remark oona^rning^th© Policemen on dnty. 
Twi X T Lnnoae roeoially sekcted for thiB sort of work* 1 know 
?™mUSe y^^Tmy^e^^^^ would say ; ho 'd point them ont 
i^*^iS^ii*of ^^^^ *^^ ebnckle over this for fwe mmutes. 

ary», certainly ; it amuse. yo^^^Vi**?!'.'!!*" 
Only don't »k '" anTtliiinr about It, that Bull. iMmrti 

Iter lU. for aU tlieir insouciance., on the alert, and I Jelt mn 
that toT attempt on my part to walk off with, for ^^*^VhJ^ 
SmrllUThTS^Kwl (39 mohw bf 53 mohe.i. would he deWted 
befoM I should be able to reaoh the front door. I thmk i^^f 
^™»B tfl eM«» the notiee of the Turnatile Men: or, if queatwned, 
fJho^dwlTtlwM the noble leader, the Akl of Jpr.Nwan. 
iudhad oo^o totake it hom« H^wj^er o-i my houoar, aud « 

hoo^ SRMUyows every one of them. , Obwrve eapeovally the 
ho^d that h« hrought the boar to book at la.t. The po' »»'°4\;^J* 
what WiM eallB the Tuwsan race, » nailed by a wtched dirty white 



in t^nanoery, oy <.m> -ttended to— the oommunieation must.be 
Jf S ie«d«;.^t U fo'W^^^ through tie poat^iHoe. loft opea »t 
both end*. , ^ j^ ^ 4 Valentino on Friday, profided it 
i. fo.t oAtd and examined by the father or inotU or other 
?4^UYlatio«onbe Minor to Fhom^t^^tf^^ret.^^^^^^^^^ 

Treaiurk^ {m^^^m th» adi«e» wbich bufdtr th* pagesj, aQu 

Stoma lS be (prS) paid to that Samt and BiaUop on the 
fourteenth of February. 

OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN 

FmUh«l tht OU Miuten, IttHcku wUh hUfrimd W*<}'i, and 
addrtmei tht Editor <u mual, 

•rtiitorcxpeotinif to see the portoaite «* *»<> pl^il^^'Phtr'^H^ 
diaappointed. Thoee who expect only « Lock and « Mi» *^. j*^'' 
at l&ture with aueh mbty fee inga »» '♦"fi'';; Tornere^ue taate. 
and will chooee for themaelvea which i» the Uck and which la the 
MiU.-wMoherei' yon like, my little dear., and » ?«» «n *« _ 
Ko. 71. Portrait of a Gentleman, T7Hknou>n,m n Black Dreit, 

were weartof A.m. and the Gentleman Unknown seem* to be hearing 
it patiently. The portrait of thi.//om. IncomUu, might be termed 
"Iriitoerat worried U a llu^*' The l»'»»,"»"^.,P'Kt1J'*Xw 
wttled him aa a Oentteman, ITnkttown. It oota like » w**™ 
SflbNd Jot his diteoTery. Let tUa be a waminR to all who haTe 



,y of tlie wee«, ijog ^th gpote on.ll, wmon « ""'"f: J' ''";>„„::: n„_,nUn(r 
and new? puts Oft a DwiBh breed, but is only to be ^«oribed as a Currant u^^^ 
new pair of booU. p,^. Now. iv Reader, who are taking Thia K*P«^» f^^« ^^^^^^ 



or mAes a morningr 
call, or iettlei &^ 
aeeonnt, or eatfl 
cold meat, or opefts 
aa official letter, or 
does anything ©■ 



eke 
. the 



UsrobBs with it. Between these two piotnrea, No. 80 and IVo. 1-4, 
there i» thi» mysterious link. 
No. 80. 



And 
No 



Thia U the Dob 
That worries the Hog 
As shown in the picture by Swtbebi. 



124. 



This is the Touth in robes fur-tnmmed 
Whom JACoro Tistoketto limned. 
Who killed the Doe 
That worried the Hog. 
As shown in the picture by SstdbM. 
And now, it you pkaae, pUeed in the corner for being mob a had 
picture, wmwk^^^ 0/ Jtfiirwna «/ Au,tna, 8.^ond Wif» of Philip 

row with MARTAyi, and had i/.t«™r'^^'t« irJ^rtlTM^nR^ 

by a frroat Master m a present. insult ^nd an inmortal re wn«^ ^™ 

Jeat Master had perhaps reoemd pnrato '""f^^X V" "^^ 

slUo!'Ai:ir1dyLFM ./ AV« Spain, by the same Dim 

But do not teU me, for to this I will noi "'^'I'.'/t^ th. „ibiio M 
good specimen of Vbi.ASQTO:. or to be presen ed to the ^ubUo « 

KrA4^.SKf>"'«'5;rftSi-» 

are two VelasqneE, for whioh the owners may thanK neaven, a^u 

"to. m"Thn,TCK'. Ma.ln>n.. A7rA-.-Very. attraeti« to Pr^b^ 
terian Ministers. Sootch EpiscopaUans claim it as a portrait Of 
Mother ChuToh. Dootora disagree. ^,^,^,^^^ ^^ . ^ ^, " "/IT 



n 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARL 



[Febbitabt U, 1S73, 




RELAPSE.'' 

J BY Tin: WxLh 

Put. "Ya^TERHosKo, 1-H Just ,.,«tes,s- to Ti.K« Imw.mtknt Eov. Dr,nk,x„ ,„sn.K ! ■ 



TOTA'S.tr'"'''''"' """"• ^'^" ^""^ ^""^ ^"'"'- '''■•^^•""'•° " Tiu= V\-Au. o. ,,r. T. nucHor.,? r .nura,,,. rou wp.^ a Te«. 



No 137, the pjotare of a dear old lady, hv Rrmbrakot tha 

4^^^ir!'^r^Vi:^l'^}T^^r:i'z <./i>«.«,..w. ,^u the 

8*8 Josnrf daughter of WittiAsr. Earl of Albemarle, by 

.«^ j'j* ^°^h i' «™t haye been very nearly a miracle to haye 
.ttCfleededm making that daofhter .tand .tUl even for ti vo iSnutee 

ll;^- «"^'*' 'v '^''S *'"' """^ '^'. ^J*'"" *«• nothing to iL 
hun^ in to " ReP^s^ntatiTe. I hare no time to lose, ao mn«t 

^^^^^dT"^ There', the HoHoiri.rBLB AooDsTos'in M 
nmtorm atanding on the sea-ihore of aome fayourtte wateriafr-Dlaoo 

.-7>.S^^ . J *t* '' was iroiag to rain, and I'ye oome out with my 
dZb?Vi".f?£'^'*^5?V°'"?H''' Jurtlikeme!" AndlhlyeM 
-S ' int* 'i' portrait waa " ju«t like him." 

ScE Thlit'i^'vL^ ^'''??r^ "-^ ?*t -^•"'' "-^ W^«w.cA. by Vast- 

SSmeni„Al»*''V'li^'',f'"^y «""«''* hw expreeiion at the 
SS •?* Thir Sn^f :{!'Z^^-*j; ^'-^ - - ^ •» -'^^"^ "f 
(EaSS"** ^^'^- ^""^ »/« -R-AW (Sheb) «,d Jfcy wrtA « J2«i4,< 

wi't/hiTat" hl."rr„K""'"A'""' ^AO V"^>*'*t» "Pon »7 lunching 
5Sr ,^r«^Jr***^''*b i^* "Pr«»enting You, Sir, 7 yielded. Bat 
fe^.'^*^ *?' .^{f^J'l'P'^^fl' J- 'hat 1 ^ad'to liaten to, 



e"lf " WhvTllS?'h*° 1"';'' \ ^ *''°"8ht; but he answered him- 
w-Vw iu J'u"l "'^^°- artiBts, became they are nearly all Van*." 
M..*^? ^'i* *"' reoommenoed; '.'Which of the w VaL would be 
the heaTOBt to remove !' ' I gave it up. " Van Leydes ,» «,, he! 
1 let tbe joke paas, and stopped the bottle. Waqq wa* full of It f 
h«».?'^r * ."''il.T*^ rehearBing on me the witticisms whioh 
■j*S*^'"°'f,^ try that evenm? at a dinner-party." "It's odd " 
ZV^,^*T^ "that there should be only one dnfle picture by D^- 
Ihere we works by Ljpi-i under jour very nosey. Gionre 



jjemea h^andy fello^~"rob7eVye', from' the"lioyal AM^^my'^'K^ 
WnrcHssTEa is CbapUin. Didn't Sast, R.A^ 



that the Bishop of ^.„^„„«,.^^ „ v.u.j.,»iu. iJiani bakt. k.a, 

l?^?!^' ^* ?5?tty 'uhjeot. The iMt name/ continued WAog, 
at cheeae time, "in the book u what aU E, A.'., and Awooiates, too 
all,iafact, who do.the beat pictures, must look forward to for im- 
mortakaation. Jt _« Gratks. It is K, Gbaves who en-graves." 
lurtonately^attliia point 1 wa* oaUed out, not by an antagonUt. 

^ end a my visit to the Old Masters, 

The li^pr^a^nUtire Meu-^some of them the Mis-ReprefieDtfltire 
Meii^haye met at Weatmmster, and I hear of the Opera oomm^ticinff 
early (not before eight or half -past, though), where, and eUwhere! 
I BhaU always be happy to appear a. ^,^^ EEPEB.E.-Txnm 



t/Qg^farat Iwnob, Preaently, iayi he, " What krtUte' piotarei 



Great Expeetatiosa. 



SoaraBOBT hTingr^ it would seem, at Wimbledon, not, m mimU 
have been expected, m Utopia, waate **rour Obligii^r Servant." 
I'robably the adv^tiser w jaat oommenoing houaekeepiDg and 
aervant-keoprn^. Oq no oth^r auppodtion does it seem pouaible to 
aoeount for the pubhcatitm of Buoh an extravagant demand, *' Earlr 
nsmg ift stated to be * * indiapensable,'* Let ua hope that aHfour ler' 
rants will oblige t^eir maater and mistrew in thia w»pf ot at lea»L and 
vie with one another in emulating the larks on Wimbledon Cc^mmon. 



Fbbbuabt 15, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



73 




A CHEAP INDEHNITY. 

Too much credit cannot be given to Ms. Gladstonb 
for having ** volunteered to pay the reasonable coets 
incurred by Db. Hsssbl " in his defence, and ** also to 

Srovide the necessary funds for the passage to Brazil of 
IB. and Mba. Hbssel." This graceful act of restitution 
was much better than waiting i^obly to pay an indem- 
nity of serious amount demanded by Prussia. Suppose 
an Englishman in China, by the mismanagement of the 
Police, and the barbarous prison regulations of the 
Chinese, had, whilst in custody under a groundless accu- 
sation, been subjected to the hardships and iadignitief 
inflicted on Db. Hbssbl in England, what ample com- 
pensation would have been exacted by ourselves 1 Per- 
haps some alteration for the better will now be made in 
the accommodation of persons detained during the in- 
vestigation of charges which may prove unfounded. If 
an innocent man has been only so much as imprisoned 
through the necessitv of proceedings requisite for the 
public good, the Public owes him amends. It is for- 
tunate that Db. ELbssbl is satisfied, and does not, with 
all Gwmany at his back, daim heavy damages for false 
imprisonment. 

New Touritts. 

Eyebt class of Society is making: progress* It is 
satisfactory to note that our domestic servants are not 
insensible to the advantages of foreign travel, but have 
begun to avail themselves of the opportunity their annual 
holiday affords them of extending the area of their 
acquaintance with that great world, of which we are all 
citizens. We have been led into these reflections by 
seeing advertised, as in the press, a Tour with Cook 
through Spain. We could have wished it had been 
France, because of the useful hints she might have 
gained from a personal experience of the cookery of that 
country; but we will hope this is a lesson Cook will 
learn in some future Vacation Ramble. 



^ TRUE TACT. 

Mrs, SUvertonffue (who has been cJuxUing moat ogrMobly to Mr, Wilkes for the last 
two ?iours). ** 0, don't Talk to me of uolt Men, Mb. Wilkes ! I make ▲ 
Point of nmymr even Speaking to one/" 

[Mr, WUkeSf who is rather sick of being told by Women that they on the whole 
object to good looks in the male sex, appreciates the remark imme^uely. 



TXir TXAB8 HSHCE. 



Meicbbbs now commonly wear their hats in the House. 
They will not be allowed to do this when Ladies have 
seats. It will be optional for Lady M.P.'s to keep their 
bonnets on or not, as they please. 



HINTS TO MAKE HOUSES WHOLESOME. 
(Bjf a Pupil of the late Dr. Swift.) 

Always keep the windows shut ; for thus you not only prevent 
unwholesome draughts, but stop the smuts from flying in and dirty- 
ing the furniture. 

Never sweep under the beds, or the sofas, or the sideboards, but 
allow the dust to remain there undisturbed^ for otherwise its parti- 
cles miffht float into the air, and injure respiration. 

For the same reason, suner the '* flue " to settle on the tops of 
wardrobes, pictures, bookcases^ and cabinets, and refrain from in- 
juring yomrliealth by attemptmg to remove it. 

When visitors are expecteid, and you are honoured with instruc- 
tions to dear out a bedroom doset, or perhaps a chest of drawers 
for them, do so in as gentle a manner as you can, and spread clean 
paper on the shelves without disturbing Uie dust which there has 
peacefully accumulated. 

Always put away your wine-glaases and decanters without wash- 
ing them ; and when a flower-vase is sent down from the drawing- 
room, let the water remain in it to be ready for next time. You 
thus may save yourself much trouble, and avoid tJie risk of 
breakage. 

When you are directed to light a bedroom flre for an unexpected 
visitor, never look to ascertain if the register be dosed. fiAiomd the 
room be fllled with smoke, reodlect that fumigation is prescribed as 
a means to stop infection. 

Take it for granted that all the honsehdd linen has been wdl 
aired at the waui, and do not disturb your mind by any doubts upon 
the subject. 

If damp sheets are the consequences, and illness should ensue 
from them, you will have the consolation of reflecting that your 
carelessness has been the means of bringing proflt to an honourable 
member of the medical prof essbn, and that your master, and not 
you, will have to pay the charges. 

It is convenient to keep a dirty doth or two underneath the sofa 



cushions, in order to be handy to wipe up anv mess which vou un- 
luckily may make, in case you should upset the milk-jug while you 
are handing round the tea-tray. 

If you are bidden to poke the flre (particularly in the library, 
where you flnd jrour master intensely busy at his writing-desk), do 
so with all the violence and vehemence that you can muster, in order 
that the dust may fly into the room, instead of falling in the ash- 
pan, whence you would have to undergo the labour of removing it. 

When you go to liffht the gas^ always turn it fully on before you 
strike vour match, which you will take care to keep damp and pro- 
bably incombustible. A slight escape of gas not merdy imparts a 
piquant perfume to a room, out serves to turn the observation from 
detecting even more offensive odours. 

Never shake the rugs and doormats, or so much as even stir them, 
if you possibly can help it A goodly quantity of dirt may thus be 
snugly stored beneath them, and need not be dislodged until the 
yeariy cleaning. 

If your mistress be attached to pug-dogs, cats, or parrots, encou- 
rage her to let them have their meals at the same table as herself, 
and refrain from sweeping up the scraps which they may leave, lest 
they afterwards may wish for them. 

If canaries be her pets, do not dean their cages oftener than once 
in every month or so, and flll up their baths aiid drinking fountains 
witiiout previoudy emptying them. 

Above all thin^ bear in mind that sorabbing is a painful and 
degrsding operatMii, and abstain therefore as mneh as possihle from 
practising it. 

MXDIUMI8IIC. 

Thx "Haunted Houses" of Tokenhouse Yard were sold the 
other day. It is said that they were bought by the Spirits as a 
pieddterre. | 

Digitized by Vn^^^^V K 

The Beot VALraiTiifB (this tbib).— A Ton of Coals. O 



n 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Fbbbuabt 15, 1873. 



|||il'i^!|JAiil)ii.|fllH^ 




LEGENDARY LOEE. 

The Record is a paper in which jokes, of the Tolnntaiy 
kind, are rare. Bat here is a story whion may haye madie 
some of its readers smile : — 

*' The Ultra-Ritualiit party are in grett commoUon aboat the 
anticipated marriage of the ion of a nobleman of high rank to the 
daughter of one of the mott eminent Jewish familiei naturalised 
in England. Last Sunday the Bbt. Mb. Wsst strongly censored 
the intended alliance from tftS pulpit, without naming the 
pHrties, and it is rumoured tHat there n a combination among the 
tritra-BituaUfits to present the liMttee from being granted.'^ 

If this oomical tale is true, the Ultra-Bitualiits thereia 
<<lf erred to must "be very miieli ultra indefe<i ; bo muoh lOp 
4s to have pone quite beyond aU botuids* If a daughter 
ci UtAvl ifl about to marry an English nobkman^a asm, it 
il to be prceamcti that the will e^morioe €hri«tittmty. 
What objection can Rituali&t« bave to that ? Or elie it 

fugt h^ Buppoatd that her hnshand frill embrace JuJalsm, 
h& Piieiido Ilotaan Catholic Ritualist* mt»Uy rejfjlee m 
efitir6h«^aadariTod aa ta their walls with illuminated texts 

;Lhd Id^endSi If anv of Ibem are capable of the folly and 
fii pertinence for which the I^^ctwd gives tbom disereditj 
aU'Jtt which used to he common in t-txt-hand copy-booka 
should be ecmspicuouftlf po&t^d in the caered ediiioe the;^ 
fk-B m the habit of frequenting. Among the aoroUs thst 
Uach thirrii U} lite and die let there be insoribed ift im- 
liteBdir*? old EnjfUsh chatacterfl of dirers Colo:a« the 
sitlutary prteept :— 

0iin\i l^ottt ^ton l^ftCnm. 

In ottM tiie Efiy. Mr. Wetr was ^-eaUjr M sapeffAllOas 
is to i^teaeh the serffiOft iatmted to him, HM aboye^ hf the 
Recordf the forejgoing ooimsel oannot too fiJtcMf be 
oemmefided to his attention, and to that of thom Who 
M» IMied to ttt under him. 



PENNY WISE. 

National Sch^lmAsUr {going round with Government Inspcclor], •'AVilkins, how 

Dd YOU BRING SHILLINGS INTO PeNCEP" 

Pupil. '* Please, Sir, 'takes it round to the Public-*Ouse, Sir II" 



TJHM-trOiMtAat Oaii&rd. 

THft l&le severe weatliet has fts tuaH been attended with 
fligrhts of wild dnoks. A bird of that deBcription will be 
disoerned in the following extract from a contemporary :— 

" A New Saint.— Advicea reeeived from Rome by the Vienna 
New JPree JPrett state it to be the Popa's intention to canoniae 

MAaY QUEBN OF SoOTS." 

** No, by St. Bride of fiothwell, no I " Canonise Mabt 
QuEEK OF SooTS P Kot the Pope, not His Holiness. WhT. 
if the Holy Father did that, the next thing he would 
do iironld he to canonise Gxty Fawxes. 



THE STRIKERS STRUCK ! 

A Twelfth-Cake crust of snow we 'Ve seen, o'etst^teadiiiir, ftat and 

wide. 
The hills and dkles, While Catidlemttf itiade up fot ChHstmaltide. 
Fine weather for the Coutitry. but meatiwldle a pf esent bore 
In some decree to each And all ; a torment to the poor. 

The heaH that for anothef ffeels t6 afroftjr it winhg, 

If not by sense, hy sy topathy, with those bt Wintet *ttth|^. 

But trhere ate heatd the toide« Which Wotild onoe have cried ** Peer 

souls! 
With blankets now present we them, prcr^de them HOW With cottb" f 

Coals, that have reslbhed a f aihine price, the richest teed to Mive. 
Blankets, in dearth of fuel, for home nsO all housewives <stk\e. 
Ah, why has Charity grown oold at this inclement fadur P 
BeOatise dis^uit has turned the milk of human kindiiefts sout. 

the horny-handed sons Of toll hoW l?ainful^t6 behold 
Fain at their aching fingers* ends to bloW the horn for oold. 
Ko matter ; striking oh they go ; strike higher still and higher, 
" Excekior I " cfylng With the Batd, And t^islnit coals and fite. 

Kow that your homy hands, most hard in grasping all they oan^ 
For warmth lack blowing. Brothers, thank your Brother Workihg- 

Man. 
High price of Coal, which pinches all, yourselves withal must pinoh. 
But you, dear horny-handed friends, are not the men to flinch. 

friends, whose hands are homy, and your keatts mote herny vlill ! 
To see the Strikers sttuek themsdvOI With ^rinf aU hearU mail 

thriU; 
How sad that your own principle on your own heads should fall I 
Sing, '' Everybody for himself ; the Dickens foriM all ! " 



ILLITERATE LBaiSLATION. 

We are bound to admit the neoessity of modifying an appellation 
which has been applied to the Licensing Act of last. Session. It is 
true that om of the Arst reforms whioh a supremely Refeimed Par- 
Hament is required U edfeet as soen as possible is the releirm of that 
unpopular Statute. Difficulties in Courts of Justioe are daily 
ereikted by what the Zm» Tknes ealls '* the eeeentrioitieB of this 
marvelltfas doooment*" "The Lord Chuf Jvbhob," says our 
learned contemporary, ** went so far as to say that it ou|^t to ba 
enshrined. M&. Jimnea BLaoEBunv seems to be noTer tii«d of de- 
nouneing it as a pieee of bluaderiag and puaaling legi^tioiii 
expressing his belief that a Member of Farlianient Would require to 
be otighter than most of his aeguaintaneei in erder to suooeed in 
eonttriing if' All this ;is undeniable. On the other hand, the 
Licensing Aet, in sa far as it is iateUigiblei is in a great measurd 
tyiaanieal and vexatious. Its SabbBtariaa CSanse eeostitutee • 
monstrous nuisance to lodgers and excursioniits, hy debarring them 
of relreslimeBt at raaeoliable kemrs. By its eoinpuiioiw go*to-bad- 
betimes fend eariy purl prokibiting eUusea it alee etrtaik the Uhmrtj 
el grrowm meft, and diselfynea tMm like sohoelbeyB. Bat it is m4 
thex«fore and altogethar exaetlr.wkatjit has kaeii eaUad**a Ped*- 

Segues' and Pedants' Act. At least it is not such a sort af Act ta 
lie generalitr of Pedatitsaiid PedagogHise wi«kl Icame. A Peda- 
MM k a teaehar wawdiy aempetent a4 leaat to teaoh hays £ng&k« 
Pedaats af«, as a olais, stadieas ef -pteaiaa laaguaga. Ai to tiiat, 
the Licensing Act is so disnaoeful a compositiea aa aatiaBjr to hava 
hmm acmdemBed hy the Judgea. It waa evidanUy aonceivedi isdeed, 
in the Pedant's aiid Pedagogue'a spirit^ but its wording ae pUinlf 
betrays the Dunce. 



OiJfDLBlCAl XKPT WSOLL^r^. j 

Th« Bitnalists have proved [^fiiz^iey ought 'i& 1^ hi "K^&n 
Catholics by rites. ^ 



FSBRUABT 22, 1878.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



75 




THE TEMPTER- 

First ReveUer (on b^ing turned out of the ^^ Caledonkm Club ''). " Ci me, and tak 

A Gless at mt Rooms. V 

Second RgocUer, *' Na, na, ah*ve had maib than Eneuch 1 " 

First ReveUer, "Hoots! Tak' aniiher, Mun! D*tb no Seete'ee lbttin* 

YEK Judgment get the Better o* ye I'M ! ! 



PEETTY NEWS FOR PEIGEMAJBIEES. 

Thaitxs to Mb. Bsssimsb and his sospended saloon, 
we nuiT hope ere yery long to orofls the sea in peaoe, and 
more tnan that, indeed, we may hope, in ease of war, to 
he spared the oost of hloodshed. For see what the in- 
ventor has said of his inyention : * 

*< Mb. Bbssembb stated that with his Byatem there would be 
no difficulty in aeourin^ a perfectly steady platform for the 
heavieet guns, and in addition he oould gyre automatic firing and 
absolute certainty of aim." 

A foe mnst he a bold one to confront the heaviest 
ffnns, banging at him with an absolute certainty of aim. 
One wonld fancy fighting wonld assuredly soon cease, 
when absolute destruction awaited any combatant. The 
best part, however, of Mb. BseasHEB's invention is, that 
it seems to lead to fighting by machinery, and without 
the need of sacrificing human life in battle. For, if he 
can give us fOJXB that are made to fire themselves, he 
may succeed in building ships that are devised to steer 
themselves, and get up their own steam, and go in gal- 
lantly to aotion, without the need of carrying a living 
crew and captain. Guns firing automatically may lead 
the way to nations fighting automatically; and war. 
after a while, may be a game, like that of chess, played 
in perfect safety by an army of automatons. 



A Valentine from. Venus. 

^ Mb. PiJNt!H never betrays secrets, but the following 
Valentine passed into his bands in a very remarkable 
manner, and he feels justified in enriching his pages 
with it, the rather that it is instructive as well as 
tender:— 

'' February 14, lS7d. 
" Ybnus sends her love to the Astronomer-Royal and 
Mb. Locetbb, and is delighted to hear that her distin- 
guished admirers in every part of the Earth are making 
such grand preparations for her visit to the Sun next 
year : but she has not forgotten, never can forget and 
never tciU forget her first I*ove, Jbbxmiah Hobbocxs, 
the poor Curate of Hoole, her only attendant in^l639, 
when for the first time mortals were pleased to take 
notice of her transit. * Fidelity^ thy name is Womaxi,' 
as Shaksfxabb ought to have said. Y." 



Anti-Tempxbavcb MovxiCENT.— The Lushai Expedition. 



NO MORE NOISES. 

Let a piece of wood, or metal, be made into the form of a letter 
U, about an inch in breadth withinside, half-an-inch or so in thick- 
ness, and of a length sufficient to fit over the crown, close down the 
sides of the head as far as to just below the ears. Through each of 
its ends, exactly opposite to the orifice of either ear, let there be 
drilled a bole adapted to hold a screw, having a handle at the outer 
end to work it to and fro with, at the inner a knob padded with 
soft leather. The ends being made thick enough to contain the 
screws, the connecting part might be reduced to any convenient 
thinness. Worn over ^e head, this iostrument will enable the 
wearer, by simply turning the two screws, to stop his ears at plea- 
sure, both of them, as effectualljr as he could with his thumbs or 
fore-fingers ; in the meanwhile his hands being left free for writing, 
or anj other use. 

This contrivance will put it in a man's power at any time to rid 
himself of the pla^e of odious noises by producing temporary deaf- 
ness at will. Against all manner of din and discord, and things he 
had rather not hear, he will therein have at command an effectual 
remedy. To stop off any sort of sounds which offend his ears, he 
will only need to screw on his ear-stopper. For instance :— 

When an organ-grinder comes and plays under his window, and 
lie does not choose to take the trouble of going out to make the 
wretch be off. 

When a maid-servant outside of his sitting-room is scrubbing the 
passage fioor, or wall. 

Whilst he is reading or writing, when there are girls in the next 
room, toother with young men wno have called to fiirt with them, 
and he is interrupted by irritating, inarticulate sounds of small- 
talk, tittering, squeaks, and suppressed laughter. 

If he is the inmate of any abode containing a baby that cries and 
is not kept at the far end, or the top of the house, or down in the 



cellar. In case he is the father of a family, whensoever he retires 
to bis library or study, if his nursery is anywhere near it. Especially 
when any child is teething. 

By night and day, if there is a howling dog on the adjoining 
premises. 

Above and beyond all things, whenever anyone has a cough in the 
house. 

Whensoever oircumstanees over which one has no control have 
compelled him to go to an evening-party, where he finds himself a 
wall-flower, and is bored and fldeeted by the dance-music. The 
ear-stopper rendering that inaudible, the spectacle of the people 
dancing about may even afford him some diversion. 

Dining or smoting at a Club or Restaurant, when the people 
about bun are talking horse or something worse, or mere nonsense 
that is too tedious. 

In the House of Commons, as the rule, when any Member gets on 
Ids legs, and attention is not a matter of business. 

At Church, as often as the sermon is uninstructive ; which some- 
times happens. To preclude scandal and offence on occasions of this 
kind the^uidles of the instrument could be formed so as to resemble 
the mouths of littie trumpets, and thus make the ear-stopper pass 
for a voice-conductor. 

A person of a sensibility ant to be shocked by words expressive of 
revolting ideas, would completely protect hiinself from outrage of 
that kind by being provided with an ear-stopper, to wear under his 
hat| and screw on immediately whenever he has to approach the 
regions of the humbler classes. The ear-stopper will prove itself a 
true friend in need to the refined Philanthropist traversing the 
slums on an errand of love and mercy. 

Let Quacks take out patents for inventions and advertise them 
under oraclgaw names. Any surgical instrument-maker is at 
liber^ to niske the Ear-stopper, andnjfjhe likes, he may call it the 
Otocatadeion, or the Anacoustio. ^ ' 



VOL. LXIV. 



76 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[FflBBUABT 32, 1873. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 




IQ, LOED KlMBRR- 

i.ir, GokiaiAl 6ec- 
rBtaJf, mfoFiiied 
LOBJ) BSLBCOBl 
tbftt our ll^9«l 

trftlian B«a« litTa 
instra^ticuui to b« 
Tef 7 energetic in 
Jiuatini^ down the 
acauadrelB who 
kidnap th« South 
Sdft Iilaiid«ri. 
Thereiionafdityw 
edling' himoelf 
Captain Hates, 
who is 8L irreat 
»tealer of men and 
women, ftnd who 
threaUneid to ilo^ 
the King of on© of 
the Islands, and 
did actually carry 
ftway a Princeaa, 

If ibis pirate oan Be oangrlit, and alHxed to ime ofid of a loaded oannon, a light 
niijrht fee ax^plied at the other end* with the very happiest resnlta, 

The Pofitmaster-Gcneral, Ma. Mossell (who had enough to do this Talentine 
Week) will not at preient reduce the price of a telegram to Sixpence. His rea- 
son is that the department is not strong enongh to undertake more work. Make 
it strong enonghiis the obTioua reply; tint, of conrse, officialism would shake its 
liead at that, and say that circumatancea demanded deliberate conBideratiin* 

Then we Ead the Park Itules, and a single combat between Ma. A^EB3s^oir 
H^BjCOUbt and Mfi. Airton-. It was amusing enough, but the aff'airhaa now 
gone by. Enough to say that He, Arnxoir really defended himsolf very well, 
manajfed to iuTolye the whole Ministry in the btiHineaa, and concluded by re- 
marking that Mi, Haicourt thought himaelf to be '* the only wiae man in the 
House, and that all the rt&t of the Assemhly were foob." All the same, there 
was this to be aaid about the Eulea— the Mini^tera haye toied fonr sets of them. 
The newest lot have been stuck np, and mob meetings may be held only in the 
ipaoe nearest Park Lane, This gives the patric^ts about a tliird of the Park, 

The rest of the evening would hare been dull enough, but that on a question 
about the busineflB of the House, the.two Messrs. Bentinck lired ofi' some Tolleys 
«£ discursive abuse, and Ma, Lowe i^av© a saroastic answer, intlmatinf that he 
should take the liberty of disregarding speeches that had nothing to do with 
the question at issue. On dlviaion, Goyernment got things their own way by 
148 to 7H. The point is, that certain Membtra do not like to saorifiee any chance 
of making speeches, while the Ministers want to get on with real work. If gentle- 
men who want to speechify would ^ and do it in the tea-room, while those who 
do not want to do so mind the business of tho House, matters would be made 
easy and agreeable, 

xWf?«t/a;/.— We are signing maps, to show our obedience to the d€cision of the 
German Emperor touching St. Juan. It might be uncivil te recollect a story 
that was told, at the time we settled the Oregon question, about a map which 
an exceedingly ingenious American person prepared, and which an esictedingly 
nnsn*tpicious Englieh i»erson accepted— a charming and admirable map, but with 
a triilmg variation from vulgsj and prosaic eiactitude— the result Deing that 
England eame off second-best in a conflict of two» However, there is no danger 
pi anything of that kind now-^for we give up everything. 

Kolhing wortli notice in the Commons, except that See BoimirTCX CoRineAN 
introduced a Bill for preventing anybody in Ireland from buying anything tcJ 
drink on Sunday s. The '* dwellers by the melancholy ocean" wiU have a 
pleasant time of it, if the Bill passes. However, Sm D. C. is an eminent 
medical msai, so he knows what is good for Paddy, 

Wtdnesda^ Was given to the Ladies, SiE Thomas CuiirBBES, who should 
be oftUed my Ladj's Chambkbs, and who has been going npitairs and downstairs 
with the Deceased Wife's Sister*s BiH bo long, brought it up again. It has , 



been before the House for twtnty-four years, and out 
of sixty-six divibiona on it* sixty-two have been 
in its favonr. The Lords liave rejected it six times. 
Bat then the Commons hav«» done so four times. 
Mr< Bseeeford Hopfi opposed the Bill, and there 
were several other speakers, but, Madam, you are 
much too olever to wuh tc» hear what has been said 
so many times —though perhaps incessant repetition of 
the same tiling is not inappropriate to a di^oussion on 
a feminine qtieation. That, H^dam, is only oar goak, 
sod as you justly say, if an argoinent is good one day, it 
must be good another. Well, Madam, we will only 
note rather a neat obstr ration by Mk. O'Heillt Dfasb, 
whom we half suspect of being an Irishman. Htj said 
that he belonged to a Church which forbids the marriage 
which it is sought to legaljie, and but for that he ahonld 
think the legalisation a ^f^j gi>ud thing. Ma. O'IJ^ask, 
however; forgot that his Churofa very often graata dis- 
pensations for Bueh marriage*, when good reason for 
them can be shown. The Secrmd Evading was carried 
by 1^1/ to 87. But we do not think the tims very near 
when a gentleman pjintici? to his late wife's photograph, 
will be entitled to say to his sister-in-law, in the words 
of the very good-natured lady ia T^m Thurtdf ; — 
** I'tb marrU'd ^bef,' and n^iir I '11 mury yoii,'* 

Thnrgd«i^*—Thk was tha great night of the week. 
The LoEB CEA?rc£LL4)a and iiie Fauoxa had each an 
important Bill to suboiit, 

I LoRi) Sklboeus prcjpcwea to establish, a Supreme 
Court of Jiidipature. Now, all wise people kuep out of 
Court* of Law of all ki ad a, and there h no very violent 
interest felt in general Society about the eompoaittun of 
om tribunals. We haT»p«rf<^t confidence in the justioe 
of onr Judges, bttt as to who sits lq what and what's 
don« to whom, most people's ideas ai« vague. Ladies 
(except those wh^ write sensation noteh) may possibly 
be aware that criminals are not triad for their lives in 
the Court of Chancery, that Mr, Lowe h not the ohief 
of the Court of Exchequer, and that a Vice- Chancellor 
is not so called beoause he has to dispose of matters con- 
nested with divoroe. It is very gratifying when one 
meets with people whose minds have been cultured np 
to these ix)ints. But ou the general constitution of onr 
Court* (5 Law and Equity most folks know, and are 
content to know about as much as they knew of the East 
End of London, before Snt Rirfi.van Walx^ce (about to 
he M.P.) invented Bcthnal Green. 

Will any good Cause he served by 3fr. Punch' 9 giving: 
an elaborate analysis of the subject P ** Can't you let it 
alone t' " was the great and i^ood Loeh Melbouejie's first 
question, when any both^^ring busineas was proposed to 
lum* Will anybody be the h Appier for knowing exacUy 
what Loan Seldoene proposes to do I^ We trow not. 
Argal^ we shall simply state that he gathers all the 
higher courts (of course, not County Ci>arts, or Tennis 
Courts, or an^ihing of that sort) together, and divides 
the business into Four Groups, to be presided over by 
Twenty-one Judges, He creates a new Court of Final 
Appeal, instead of the Judicial Committee, Law Terms 
—we don't mean its jargon— to be abolished. In the 
Supreme Court the LK>rd Chief Justice of England is to 
be the 

" Suprt?me, hUh- throned all height ab^fc, 
The great Pelaigiej DudonaMQ Jove," 

and the Lord Chancellor is to be the head of the Appeal 
Court ^ And when the Temi>le of Justice shall bo up- 
reared in the Strand (it has so far advanced to comple- 
tion that clerks are calculating quantities , with a view to 
considering what sort of oontratits should be made before 
the work is begun), all the buainesss will go on simtiUa- 
neouely under one noble roof. Some wigs will have 
worn off the hair now ti'mriihing on some gay young 
advocates' heads before that day, but the world has 
plenty of time befcre it. 

Lord CAiaws generally approved the scheme, and paid 
a graceful compliment to the eminent man who had 
brought it forward. 

In the Commons Me, Gladstotte delivered a great 
speech, elaborate, but with tiniches of lightneas- His 
work was to expound the Government BLll for 1 mproving 
the Higher Education of Ireland ; that is, the University 
System* 

Now, in that marvel of wit, BiLf^^^JsM^Map^ge 
of Fi^iiro^ Cmmt -^jWfp'f gr ^t^^' ^^ jleal4nf,^ Ja(? his 
servant describe a terrible danger he has h^BU in, and 



Fbbbuabt 23, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



77 



oalmly remarkSf ** You miRlit nnderatand that it is not your danger 
that oonoems me in the least, but the oauM of it." Mr, Punch, 
without beinff uncharitable, ventures to beHeve that a good many 
w(nrthy people are not bo much concerned to know the means by 
which rude young Iriahmen are to be oonverted into elegant Under- 
graduates, as the way in which Mb. Gladstokb hopes to manage to 
satisfy at once the UltramontaniBts and ^ose who hate thtm* That 
laudable curiosity shall be satiated. 

So far from destroying the Uniyersity of DubUn, it is to be made 
the oentral sun of the educational system ; but then a goed many 
things are to be done to it, and there is to be a new€hiyerniiig Body. 
The homage thus paid to the Uniyersity will» it is hoped, plMse the 
Protestants. 

But inasmuch as the object is to induce GaiflioHes to aya^ them- 
selyes of College adyantages, and as tiie Prieste will not permit 
young Papists to learn seyeral things irhioh Protestants are not 
afraid to teach to youth, there is to be no instntotion in Theology, 
Moral Philosophy, or— listen, 'tis no jest ! — ^Modten History I 

Dearest Madam, do not let us be eztrayagant, and ez{wnd in one 
huge laugh the amusement which ought to last us during all the 
debates on this Bill. But do you not already hear the yoioes of 
those who sit in the seat of the seomerP Do you not hear echoes 
of the yoioe of the late Mb. Hbuby Dbxthmobb r Pass for tfaedogj, 
psss for philosophy, but Modem History. That must not Se 
taught, lest the faith of the young Eoman be endangered. 0, we 
shall haye some rare fun. Madam. 

Neyertheless, Mb. GLADsroirB's saya^t political enemiee—and 
he has some whose rancour is yery ^ffensiye to candid people—allow 
that he has performed a miracle of oleyemess, and that his Bill is 
not nearly so dreadful as they expected. The details of his dealings 
with the existing Colleges wul best be understood when the debates 
come on. There is an application of some of the funds of the Dis- 
establiBhed Church which ought not to displease its friends. 

We haye said that there were light toudies in tiie long speech. 
Here is one. 

" There is a love of letters in Ireland. Ireland is not barbarous in mind, 
and she may say of herself— 

< Nee sum aded infonnis ; naper me in litore ridx, 
Glial placidum yentis staret mare ' 
(eheert)» If you will only give Ireland a tranqnil sea in which to mirror 
herself {tM close of the tentenee teas lo$t in loud Qmsdrvativs cheert.)*' 

Mb. Disbaeli reseryed all remark, but asked for a long time to 
consider the BilL The Second Beading was fixed for next Monday 
week. 

JHiay.— In the Commons Mb. Arroim's unhappiness about our 
relations with the Pofb found yent in a motion for x>apers, but not 
comfort in a speech from Lobd Ekfebld, who said he had explained 
the matter twioe last year. **I'ye related it once," says Sam 
Wellb b. * * Worry well. Sir " says his father, ** Relate it again." 
LoBD Eniteld haying giyan his third explaaation, the motion was 
rejected by 116 to 63. 

Mb. Rtlands has many merits, and if we castigate him now and 
then, it is all for his good, as we are sure he feels. He considers 
that the House ought to discuss all Treaties before they are ratified. 
Lobd B. Fitzitaubicb made a yery able historical speech in oppo- 
sition : the Laitsdowne^ haye always been in the habit of colti- 
yatin^ their minds. Mb. Gladstoke declined to go into a course of 
oonsUtutfonal speculation. Then the House, unlike Jeshfbon, 
neither waxed fat nor kicked its heels, but waxed so thin that the 
debate died in the presence of seyen Members. 

That case of Sub-Lieutenant Tbibe was waked 'up again by 
Lobd Blcho, whom Mb. Cabdwell charged with haying eayes- 
droppers at the War Office, perhaps under the table. The gentle 
Druid was riled. He did not want to hear any more about ** that 
unfortunate young man," who was now quite out of the Army. 

Mb. Nbwdeoate once more introduced a Bill for a (Commission to 
examine Monasteries and Conyents. The usual opposition was 
offered, but one gentleman said he had four sisters in a Conyent, and 
should be happy to introduce them all to Mb. Newdsgate. The 
latter is a man of much gallantry, and we were rather surprised that 
he did not instantly exclaim '* Delighted, I 'm snre." But we haye 
no doubt that he h^ already ^ne down and made a fayourable im- 
pression on the ladies. The Bill was allowed to come in by 74 to 31. 

Just befdre this~we saye the b<mn$ houche for the end— it was 
stated, in defence of Railway Companies, that they do not really 
oyer- crowd cattle in the pens, but that, when cattle haye stopped,^ 
for the purpose of feeding, they **wisibly swell," and get so large 
that they can scarcely be got back into the cbnyeyance ; — ** so there 
is an appearance of oyer-crowding." Mr* Punch rushed home and 
read Baron Munchausen, till he fell asleep, and tb«n he dreamed 
that he was the Claimant. 




Ak Ekptt CBBBMOirr.— a string of priyate carriages, with nobody 
inside them, following a funeraL 



RANGERS' RIGHTS. 

EBT much attention haying of 
late years been drawn to our 
Parks, a carefull]r - pr^ared 
statement of the priyiieges and 
perquisites of their Ranj 
not to be found on any J 
Board— will be felt to be a 
seasonable contribution to een*- 
temporary history. 

A Ranger is entitled to tile 
young of all animals, liying m 
a wild state, bom within the 
boundaries of his Park between 
sunrise and sunset, and ^sun 
from sunset to simzise. (9.B. 
Birda'-neate are specially pre- 
teeted, both by Btatnte and 
Common Law, from diatnrb- 
anee.) 

A Ranger can daim every 
testhegjg depottted by poultry 
in his rark| or by die oni»- 
mental fowl inhabiting any 
lakes^ ponds, streams, riyns, or 
other nayigable waters within 
the lifluts of Ids jurisdietion. 
But it has been decided by the 
Judges sitting tn banco [see the 
case of Bex y. PHlikins) that a 
Ranger has no lien on the effgs 
laidoy fowls kept by a Lodffc 
keeper lor domestio pnrpoMi» provided they were laid during the 
hours when the keeper was not required to be in his official uniform. 
A Ranger has the exelnsiye right ef angling in any waters within 
his demesne on fomrteen da|« in eyery yeair, but he must not take 
more thaa fourteen pounds weight of fish at a time. He may catch 
any kinds of fish he pleases, except pike, perch, barbel. Dream, 
flounders, carp, tench, grayling, trout, and salmon treut. 

All treasure-troye found in the Park is the absolute property of 
the Ranger, but there has been no instance now for more than a 
century of any Ranger claiming odd halfpence. 

A nosegay of flowers, gathered in the Park, is presented to the 
Ran^ annually, on Ms birthday. If the anniyersary happens to 
fall in the winter months, then a ounch of eyergreens may be sub- 
stituted. 

He has rights of turbary, and can cut as much turf for his priyate 
use as lus head gardener can carry on his back, between Candlemas 
Day and Latter Lammas. 

Eyery Ranger may inyite his priyate friends to a pio-nio in any 
spot he may select ; and he is allowed to employ as many of the 
Park-keepers as can be spared from their official duties without 
detriment to the public seryice, as oocasionsl waiters. 

He is presented, on his installation, mth a priyate key, which 
enables him to haye access to the Park at all hovrs of the day and 
' ;ht ; but, in the eyent of his losing or mislaying it, he cannot be 
.owed a new key until tiie old one has been found. 
The Ranger of a Park is the only person who enjoys the privilege 
of riding: in it on a Yelodpede. 

Once in eyery year the Ranger, in full unif oroL and attended by 
a crowd, makes the oiroui^ of his Park on horseback, inspects the 
Keepers, Constables, Boatmen, Sentries, and other officials, who fire 
a feu ds fote at the close of the ceremony; and yints the lod^pes, 
Ixmt-houses, wells, fountains, pubHc statues and menoments, wmoh 
are Ut up with fireworks in the eyening. 

The uniform of a Ranger is a sreen ieikin, with primrose facings, 
hat and a feather, baldrick. and Ion? Bpaiush leather boots, and ne 
carries a horn slung across his shoulders mtk eord and tossoui. 



nigh 
allo^ 



Ooeana of Grog. 



Gevtlikek of the United Sngdom Allianoe, what do you sa^ to 
the following announcement in the Times t Of course your Chief. 
Sib Wilfbid Lawsoit, will tell the Gayemment what he thinks of 
it:— 

*< The Admiralty eontraot for-d6«000 gaUons of ram was «n Satniday taken 
by ALFavD Lamb aivd Sftnanu" 

There is exciting news for yon. Gentlemen of the Liquor Law 
Platform. Is not the excitement it is calculated to create in jrour 
minds such that, perhaps, in the presence of Ify Lords' Board, if a 
f estiye board, the thought of it alone would be enough to make most 
of you throw bottles ? Intemperate acts may be expected of those 
who adyocate total abstinence itself in intemperate luiguage. 



78 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FiBBUABT 2i, 1873. 




DEFfNITION WANTED. 

AuiU Maria, '*And.80, La.urt, tou Enjoyed toubsblp very much at the Browns' Partv. And did you Flirt much!' 
Layjrencc, ,** dear, no I On. the contrary, Aunt, I Danced with tub same Little Girl the whole Evening!" 



A TRUE HIDALGO. 

(Amadmvs /., Kvrig of Spain, called to tTie Crown, November 16, 1870 ; 
Abdicated, February 11, 1873.) 

Back to King Mob he hands the Grown 
Which with King Mob he Bcorns to share ; 

Higher his head, so stepping down, 
Than while it stooped that Grown to wear. 

They called him, orayiBd him for their King— 
These Spaniards, onoe so stem and proud. 

Now puppets for eaohioggler^s string, 
Who buys the swora, and gulls the crowd. 

He came to that distracted State, 

Fall'n from its height of ancient days, 
A Dhantom Spain— in nothing great 

fiut empty form, and sounding phrase. 

He, son of Savoy-^of the race 
That from white-handed Humbbbt * drew 

Its manly lore of war and ohace. 
Its strength for swon^ and sceptre too. 

The fighting line— that since the day 

It took the wild Alp march in ward,t 
Hath held to sword and lance alway. 

Its foes to smite, its own to goard. 

The line that ever fought to win. 
From the great Duke t who sheatiies his sword 

* HuMBBBT the « White-handed," Count of ICaurimme, and great vaisal 
of BuDOLP THi Third (hut King of the second Kmgdom of Burgundy), the 
first hifltoiioal ancestor of the Houm of Savoy, died a.d. 1048. 

t The CounU of Savoy were Lords of the Marches of the Italian Alps. 

X EMAKunL PniLiBiaT, the Great Duke (1553—1580), who reoorered 



High in the square of fair Turin, 
Named, fitly, from that warrior Lord, 

To him that late through Naples rode 

With Gaeibaldi at his side, 
ReininflT the great horse he bestrole. 

As King of Italy should ride. 

The royal race, that with our own 

Grossed in fair Hsnribtta's § line, 
Nor, like our Siuarts, lost a crowo. 

But made one on its brows to shine. 

Kings, England may be proud to own 

To English royalty akin ; 
Now more than ever, that they 've shown 

They crouch not even oro?nis to win. 

Unhappy Spain —art thou so rich 

In courage, truth, and manly worth. 
To fiing thsr Grown back in the ditch 

From which his clean hands drew it forth P 

Thou hoist the banner of *' self-rule " 
That ne'er yet leading-strings didst leave. 

But for the struggle who should fool 
The crowd of power to cheat and thieve ! 

Thou a Republic !— much- wronged name 
For self -conceit's unruly sway, 

Savoy and Piedmont after nearly half a century's alienation from his House, 
restored the prosperity of the Duchy, and really, though not in name, founded 
the Monarchy of Saroy. His statue mounted, armed, and sheathinic his 
sword, Marochbtti's masterpiece, is the central ornament of the flana 
Phlliberto Emanuele, Turin. 

i TiCTOB AxADsrs (1675—1739), the first Kins: of the House of Savoy, 
married the daughter of Bbiouetta of ORLaANS, dfaughter of Ohaxlbb tna 
First, and so linked the royal lines of Savoy and England. 



PUNCH, OB THE LONDON OHARIYARL— FEBauAKT S3, 1873. 



THE TRUE HIDALGO. 




KnrG Amadeub, "A GENTLEMAN, AND A SON OF SAVOY, WILL NOT REIGN ON SUFFEEiNCE P ^^ 



Digitized by 



Google 



Fhbbuabt 22, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



81 



Law's rein relaxed^ trath put to shame 
That dares in anght King Mob gainsay. 

Not for thee sueh a King to oraye, 
'Gdnst priests and politieians mannedt 

Who woTild not stoop a downed slam 
Nor fonnd room like a^man to stand. 

So ends his reign as it begaoi, 
With thj/tfipM^; not jFet so low 

Bat in thy heart tkoa kaow'st a man 
Manliest, that thva heivills tago-I 



OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 




HaB the honour, ffin of re- 
ywesnting Yon— I shonld 
say, Yon had the hokumr 
of being npresanted by 
BM^at the f renoh Plays, 
SFew Bmlty Theatre, 
where the delighted Mana- 
ger and the enthnsiaatir 
eally elvil B^^-kaepers 
^AMed, voBf Bke Jack 
Momer^ m a earner, be- 
tween the Big I>nML amd 
an affiible ItdttA g«tttle- 
Opposite tone were 
le of iastelligant 
[owex% <A foceign 
exteaottlB* whose oeoa- 
sioial perf ormanees were 
of a stfftling eharaoter. 

I do sat oli|^ tobeng 
seated near fieliBS : &ey 
gmerally hare nuwa tiian 
uieir sbSM of the per- 
f onnanoe« a»d tiieir Tuites 
sonttle about like mioe in 
a wainsoot. rou ^t ao- 
T" customed to yiolimsU in 
a yery few Beooadi ; and 
as for flanttats, one redly 




play or not— «f so slkht a value* 
onnd of this wheezy oTolie«tml luuj 



does not oare whether they 
ordinarily speaking, is the soi 

A pioQolo inakes one great flonrishin^ to-do, and tmitheH. iie 
etartlea yon onoe, and has d<me with it. A darinet-player 
wonld be an nnobtrosiye neighbour, were not yonr attention 
constantly being drawn to hnn on aooonnt of the pity which 
his attitode natoraUy ezoitea in any sentimental braaat No 
matter who ha be» a clarinet-^L^Fea, in full blew, eaamot help 
looking like a plaeid fool with a knie logaip-stick. If 'tM 
my late to be near any of the gentJemsa dt the band, plaoe me by 
the yioluiist, who is genaraUr of a highly aitistie tarn of mind : by 
the fllannet-pla^Eer, who looks aa thoiogn he Imd by some melan- 
choly ocean; or by the flautists, wheae nimble fingeia atop as many 
holes as they oia all at onoe, bat are nnable to nrefient the tnae 
eeeaping by one or two of the nnstopped oaes^--«meBtly a Refect in 
the instnunent. Bnt do not pnt me by the Bic Dmm. Cheerfol 
the performer on that instnuaent nrnai be, and fml of animal spirits : 
deaf, of coarse. Isn't it a reopgnised fact thai all dheerfol people 
ModeafP No: lamwrong: Ithooghtlwaa: itsLthat'^Afideaf 
people are dheerfoL" And^ now I come to think of it, it's ** blind 
people," not deaf. Bat thu, as Yoor EepresentatiTe, I pronoimoe 
to be a mere detaiL 

^ If yoor object, on going to a theatre, be to hear the Big Dram, 
sit by the Big Drommer ; if to hear anything else, don't. 

I had heara so much in f ayoor of tne company at the Eoyalty, 
that I was jprepared for something far aboye the ayerage of any 
English aotiDg. Yoa shall presently see whether my expeotatkm 
was disappointed. The piece played was *' the fameos Paiau Royal 
Comidie en Trois ^c^^ntitled Le JtSveUhn,^^ 

Judged by a Palais Koyal standard, the RSveiUon^ which has 
about as much right to be dignified by the title of ** Comedy" as 
Box' and Cox to be called a tragedy, is. ondoubtedly, in Dean 
Street, 8oho, snoeessfaL That at least half the *' business'' of 
Mbssbs. Gsoffbot, Hyacinthb, and Labsovghx, the originals, is 
omitted by their representatiyes at the Boyalty, is probable, and to 
this may DO partly owinfr the feeling of disappointment which, as 
far as i our ttepresentatiye was coneeraed, certainly ineseaaed as 
the ]4ay progressed. What there can be to admire in the Palais 
Boyal style of perpetually appealing to the public, and aetoally 
walking down to the footlights to defiyer ** asides " to the audience, 
has been, and always will be, a puzzle to Your Representatiye. In 



an Anglicised and expurgated edition of JtSveiUon, I think I could 
easily nnd two low comedians on the English stage who would be 
far better rem-eeentatiyes of the characters QaiUarain and TouriUon 
than eyen MM. Gxoffrot and LHiBmxR of the Palais Boyal, 
without instituting any comparison nearer home. It is enough for 
some English playgoers that a company should be French, for them 
at once to go into ecstasies oyer their performance, whateyer it may be. 
Let the company be acknowledged as only second-rate, as a scratch 
affiiir, as no better than what might be seen dcnn^ The Lady of 
Lyons in an English proyindal town, no matter— it is French ; and 
with these patrons of the Dnuna, who, perhaps, haye neyer done 
more than talk about going to Pans, and naye neyer gone farther 
than Boulogne, haying been stop^ by the difficulties of the lan- 
guage, to know that it is French is sufficient. Tell them that the 
actors are Baigjwna, and they wouldn't stir from their firesides— not 
eyen were a nriyate box placed at their disposal, the red baize laid 
down, and the Manager, with wax-lighta, at the doorway to receiye 
them. Go to the Eoyal^, hoping to see fair French faroe-aotinf in 
Le UStmUonf and you will see it M. Schxt is amusing : his wig a 
wonder. Br M. I>idi£b, as OaiUardmf exuberant laughter was not 
exoited. What he Lad to say was certainly droll enough, but that 
was of courae due to those generally forgotten persons, the Authors, 
Mkilmac and Rji.l£vt. Droll most of the dialogue certainly is— 
witty ocnofi ton ally ; but— I do not faaoy that among the froquenters 
of th^ lUhm llayal are many French ladies, and hence it is that in 
the lUv^llt^H tlii«re are iome remarkaUy telling strokes made with a 
yary hroadif^*'pomt«d cae. Howeyer, with the Lobd Chambxblaik 
tatko lore, far be it from Your Eepiesentatiye 

To|]aythe Cmser momm, 
« Ana pveaoh about daeoram. 

Th«^re are jn«t two things that must be said of Le RSveiUon at 
the lijjalty : it is fairly acted all round, and the stage management 
of the Siipi>er Scene is only at this present moment outdone in its 
exG^lknoe (the opportunity being a larger one, and capable of further 
deY^lopmiBBt) by that scene in Money at the Pnnce of Wales's 
Tln?atr0* 

No^ , 6Ir, thoae who do me the honour of reading this ** Bepro- 
aantatlon," will probably obserye that my yiew of the performance 
must hme been seriously interfered witn by the Big Drum. No: 
oertainif not. He distarbed my rest in the entr^acte^ which was 
dreadfully lon^ each time, but he had nothing whateyer to do with 
the pieoe. By the way, MLLX. Wilhsm must be honourably men- 
tioned as the hUuS Prince Yermantojf, She had yery little to do, 
and it was v^ry well done. The best performance, to my thinking, 
was that of M, Duparquet^ by M. HsiotyAUX, who neyer once lost 
sight of the importance of his subordinate jpart. Duparquet is a 
superior sort of ^* Ckasles his friend,'*and hu practical joke is the 
motiye, such as it is^ of the pla^. 

In conyersation with the Italian Professor, my neighbour, I made 
the politico-theatrical joke about " Thubs " and *' tiers," as I pro- 
mised Youl would, but it didn't go, although I gaye it with all the 
point which oharaoteriaes me as Youb EEPmanriAXiyE. 



GAMBLERS AND THIEVES. 



HxAB the LoBB GmsF JuanoB of the Court of doeen's Benoh:^ 



** I oamiot but expresi my regret that, with the mass of boaineas in thii 
court, two dayi of ralaable time should hare been taken up in the le-eatab- 
Uahment, if poMible, of the ohaiaoter of an habitual gambler— a gentleman 
who goes about the country with dioe in hii bag, ready to play with anyone 
who will engage to play witii him." 

It may be tiiought tiiat if thero can be ''honour among thieyes," 
so likewise honour may possibly exist among gamblers. But, 
close as the resemblance between theft and p:ambling may be, 

Smblers, in one respect, differ widely from thieyes. A thief is a 
ief in relation to the eommunity ; as thief to thief he is an honest 
man, or at least he may be, so that honesty among thieyes might as 
well be nroyerbial as honour. Whereas, gamblers proy altogether 
upon each other. It is possible to play fair at yingt-et-un, chicken- 
hazard, or bUnd-hookey, but in the mind that giyes itself up to 
games of hazard can the crayiuff for gain be supposed to be regulated 
by any higher consideration than the fear of being detected in 
cheating P Those only who imagine that an habitual gambler may 
possibly haye a taste tor morality, can rogard any question about the 
honour of such a person as otherwise than ridiculous. 



A Hint for Teetotallera. 

The cause of total abstinence would seem not to be f ayoured by 
the Church of ^gland to the extent its adyocates must desire. We 
see adyertised, by a high dignitary of the Establishment, '* Christian 
Cordials." 



82 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Fkbruabt 22, 1873. 




YOUNQ NIMROD. 

Aunt, "Well, Charlie, you'll come with your Sifters, and Spend the Day on Monday, won't you I* 
Charlie. " Not on Monday, Aunt Kitty. I nsvee Dine out on a HuNTmo Day." 



ERIN'S ANSWER TO GLADSTONE. 

*' ' Nxc gum adeo i^fortnis '—there '0 an end to all the trouble 
Of the waters that, till now, have so distorted yon, 

And soon throngh the oil that I 'm throwing there, vonr donble 
Wi\l startle even yonrseif by its loyeliness, aroo ! " 

** * Nee sum adab ii\formi$ '—look at that for a notion. 

Do yon think did I ever feel a fear at all in me, 
Before meeting with myself in the mirror of the ooean. 

That the form of a barbarian 'd salute me from the sea P 

•' ' yec sum adeo informis '—here 's food for reflection— 
So, William Ewast Gladstone, let's reflect a taste on yon ; 

Though ]rou legislate for me, have you won my frank aflfection, 
By talong a true look at my loyeliness, aroo ? 

*' * Nee sum adeo informts ! ' Had you done a gallant^i duty, 
When I hospitably asked you. Sir, to yisit Enn's lale, 

You 'd haye praised me in warm English for my wisdom, wit, and 
beauty. 
Not Latinised away in that half-hearted sort of style. 

'* * Nee sum adeo mformis*^9,yef England, change my churches, 
And eyict my careless landlords— that 's all yery fine. 

My reflection only is. Tour ethnological researches 
Should reflect themselyes from Erin's shore as much as up the 
Rhine. 

** * Nee sum adeo informts '—then build a Palace Boyal 
For the Queen and the Crown on this side of the sea— 

Et—sis Anglia non tn/i/mitit— and I 'd be entirely loyal. 
For bye, not legislation, has the most effect on me." 



Tgnoble Animal.— In the gameof Yingt-et-un one of the players 
ill denominated ** Pony." This, surely, is a Pony of the species 
popularly named Jerusalem. 



OUR SCIENTIFIC SELVES. 

A 0017B8B of Cantor Lectures is attracting certain notice, including 
our own, which in itself is a distinction. The subject of the series is 
announcled by a contemporary to be ** The Energies of the Impon- 
derables." To our mind this is just exactly the sort of subject we 
should choose, if we were asked to giye a lecture to a College of 
Young Ladies, or an Infant Ragged School, or whereyer em we 
fancied we could look as wise and talk as scientifically as we pleased, 
without running aujr risk of our wisdom being doubted. Li lectur- 
ing, as in conyeyancing, it is doubtless of importance to make out a 
good title : and certainly in this case the author seems to haye suc- 
ceeded. Were we to try to lecture anybody on the Energies of the 
Imponderables, we should probably say something to disturb the 
Gh*ayity of the Impressionables, and, if some of our own children 
chanced to be among the audience, we should outrageously be 
assailed by the Leyity of the Incorrigibles. 



Harmony in Spain. 

Koto Ajcadeus has yaoated the throne of Spain ; and no wonder 
that we are also told by telegram from Madrid that— 

** A Carlist band, oompoeed of forty-two men, has made its appesranoe in 
the proyince of Toledo.'^ 

Howeyer, a band amounting to no more than forty-two men could 
scarcely do more to help the Carlist cause than by playing Legitinust 
Spanish airs. 

Law Beporta Unfounded. 

It is not true, that in the Lord Chancbllob's scheme for the con- 
stitution of the Supreme Court of Judicature there is a proposal to 
create, in addition to the Master of the Rolls, a Registrar of the 
Muffins and Crumpets. Neither is it intended to augment the. 
number of the Barons of the Court of Exchequer with a Baron o§^\^ 
Beef. 



Fkbbuart 2^, 187a;] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



83 






^1 - 

HI 




eNGLAND AND GERMANY. 

British Nxiwnd {v^ ha$ shot Tigen in India, and Lions in Sniih^AfHea). " The 
FACT 18, Herb Mulleb, that I dont caeb much fob Spobt unless it oon- 
TAiire THE Element of Danqeb." 

Oerman Nvmrod. ** AcH zo I you abe vont of Tainobsb? Den toit shoitld 

0011 ANT Bb&OD MIT ME/ Yy, ONLY DX ODtBE TaT I ShOOBBT MY BbODSB-ON- 
LaW in DE SHDdMAG I " 



A WEED FEOM CHINA. 

A LABos quantiiy of tobacco has been lately imported 
from China. The Tobacco Trade JReview giyes the 
following n^dent account of it :— 

" It if oied in some meaauTe u a substitate for Toikey, whioh 
it nwmblM m appearanoe, though not equal in qnali^. The 
leaf if qnite yeUow, and is almost void of flavour." 

ChiBMB tobaeeo, at this rate, mnst be of the mildest. 
A smoker aodcfat find some diiffionlty in choosing be- 
tween it ana tiie simply dried and nnsophistioated 
British cabbage-leal. Chinese tobacco may oe said to 
resemUe, wiUi a difSsrenoe, cut C&yendish. It is likely 
to proTc a i^eoies of tobacco, out, indeed, but not 
consumed. Therefore Chinese tobacco might, wiUi all 
consistenay, be patronised by the Anti-Tobacco Society. 



HEAT Ain) Am, ETC. 

S&AxapBABS YentOated this subject long ago, in 
Measttrefor 3lea$vrei — 

Ch¥m, Where indeed you hare a delight to dt : hare you 

not? 

I^^th, I hate so: bee ai a it is an epen room, and good for 
winter. 

Oomt, Why Very well then:— I hope her© be tniflis. 

And, further on^in tiie same scene, in yiew of a case 
quite reotoDtiy tm-decided, Sseahts says:— 

<* J[f he took you a box o* theear, you might hate your aetion 
of slander too." 

Constable JBlb&Wj Honest SousehMer Frothy and 
Tapster Cloum, would be good useful peNOBB on a not 
Jury. 



'Qhureli Pi Air znaitt* 

A TonMO and handscnne Oonite mafrod a ladr who 
wia not very yoong, and was very plain in peison. but in 
purse very rich. It waa said among his parishic- 
that he had now provided himself with a Perfect Cure. 

Ikcxteable.— That must be a hopeless case of intem- 
Deraaoe, when a man takes Castor Oil for the sake of the 
Brandy whidi helps it down. 



SUNDAY EVENINGS' ENTERTAINMENTS. 

Air uncommonly liyely discourse w«s, according to the Post^ de- 
livered on the evening of Sunday last week, under the auspices of 
the National Temperance League, at tiie Alhambra Temperance 
Music-hall in SSioreditch, by a luu W. Noblb. lliis gentileBtan 
has had the diligence to commit to memory the whole of the leotores 
heretofore delivired by Mb. J. B. Gk)U0H. ** the oelebrsted temper- 
ance lecturer of Amenca." The National Temperaaee League were 
desirous of bringing Mb. Gouoh across the AUaatic to redeliver 
them; but that Demosthenes of teetotalism was not to be tempted 
ov«r the Big Drink. Tittfy have therefore hired Mb. Noblb to 
deliver all Iul Govgh's lectures at second-hand ; and, on the above 
named oeoasion« as we are UAd, ** he eiijgaged the attention of a 
large audience for iqvwards of an hour by tos recital of Mb. aoueH*s 
oration On the Importance of the Temperaaee Movement.' " This, 
the first of Mb. Noble*s series of imitations, appears to have been a 
great success, and it no doubt oonsHtated exactly the sort of enter- 
tainment which our provincial enttemporaries are wont to style " a 
high mteUeetaal treat" Given, to begin with, on a Sunday even- 
ing. It is Likewise, evidently, to be regarded as the thin end of the 
wedge in respect of Sunday evenings'^ amusements. The thick end 
win i^hap; comprise other performances, of a character still more 
edifying. Next to the orations of Mb. J. B. Govgh we shall perhaps 
have the sermons of our most distingnished preaehers delivered, in 
charaoter, by some serious mimic ; specimens, for instance, of Dbak 
Stahlet, orDB. Nbwmait Hall, or Mb. Sfubokon. Them, probably, 
political and parliamentary orations will be subjected to the same 
treatment, and the British Public will be enabled to enjoy a Sunday 
'* Night with GLADSioirB," or a counterfeit presentment of the 
eloquence of Mb. Disbabli, or any other of the leading masters of 
debate, Conservative or LiberaL The descent to comic recitations, 
and so down, will be easy. 

DoubtUss Mb. NoBLS proved himself a dever imitator of excellent 
original fustian in diverting a large audience by a declamation d la 
Oough '*0n the Importance of the Temperance Movement." Of 



course he directed attention to a point, relative to that most inte- 
resting subject, not perhaps generally considered, but one of some 
importance as a matter of illustratian. Sorely Mb. Noblb could 
not fail to make his beloved hearers perceive, by appropriate aotion, 
that, whfiveas the Temperance Movement always tends right ahead, 
the course taken by the Intemperance Movement is . generally 
zigzag. 

EEFOEM IT ALTOGETHER. 

SniPATHiBDra with Db. Hbbbkl, and conpatolating him upon 
tiie substantial proof given him of what English opinion is in regard 
to his case, it does oecnr to us to ask if an innoeent subject has not 
been taken up b^ore this, and, if so, why has not the subject been 
taken up with the same entiiusiaatio indignation as has be en so re- 
cently evoked by the arreet and imprisonment of Db. GoimiBD 
HBsesLF Hbb Majesit has sent to apologiae for the state of her 
own Law. Quite ri^^t : only it is fortunate for the chances of im- 
provement in oul* police administration that the innoeent sufferer 
happened to be Db. Hessbl, a German, and not Jm SmitHi an 
or£nary Englishman. Perhaps poor Smith, in his devout admira- 
tion of the British Constitution, would have taken the opportunity 
of his ''leaving the Court without a stain on his character" to extol the 
wisdom and justice of the Law which had rightij arrested him on 
suspidon. and as rightiy set him free on discovering that there was 
no sort 01 ground'for the charge. The French Law treats an arrested 
person as guilty until he proves his innocence, and acts in accord- 
ance with this theory. In England, we make a boast of considering 
every man innocent until pro^ved goilty. But we know our theory 
to be a mere idle formula as long as the practice is to treat every 
man gnilbr until he be proved innocent. 

If Db. Hbssbl's case leiuls to a thorough reform in this particular 
direetion. then the grateful English public will probably erect a 
statue ox him on the vacant pedestal in Leicester or Trafalgar 
S^iuare, or send it him, carriage paid, to be put up where he likes in 
his own native place. 



Bi 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[FnmuABT 32, 1873. 







Intelligent Boy. "'Pa, I'm sorry you've got the 'Fluknza!" 
IT, YOU Know! !^* 



HONEST SYMPATHY. 

Papa. ** Why, Laddie I" 



Bay, '"Cause / miqht Cator 



VENUS AND THE LADY. 

OiVE day last week the Time$ published a long and elaborate 
article, Imninoos as Yenos herself, npon the transits of that planet. 
In a French mper the same spnne would he deyoted to a nauseating 
loTe-atory* It may be queationable, however, whether the love- 
story is not better auitea to some people. Haying mastered the 
article, Mr. Pmich handed it to a Jady-friend who improves and 
iBTigorat^B her mind by the pemsal of about live novels every week. 
He requested her to read tne three oolumns. This she did with 
excefisiye rapidity, and on being asked to statewhat she thought about 
it, abe awe^tly replied that it was moat interesting. Partioulan being 
demanded, she affirmed that Mr, Lowe was going out to see the 
Iran Bit of Venue in 1874 ; that Venus is worth tenpenoe in the 
pu:.[iJ . Hint sLt [^ iiTi Inferior Conjunetion ; that she will look like a 
small bail in a large wine-glass, and have a ring as big as the world : 
that she is inhabited by ** eagle-eyed daws" ; that she is the size of 
a shilling seen eiffht mues off by a man with thick hair on his head 
at the end of a church ; and that gold medals are fit only for puffing 
shopkeepers. Finally, she said it was all *' an astronomical mare's 
nest" ; adding, as her own unaided discovery, that men were always 
f assing and flinging away money on stuff and nonsense. 



The Satiafactory Settlement. 

So the real losses sustained by American Citizens from the Con- 
federate cruisers amount to little more than two millions, whereas 
the damages we have to ^ay for them were assMed at three millions 
and a qua^r. Which will have been cheated, the private American 
olaimants, or ourselves? This question is more interesting than 
materiaL By those who are capable of cheating their own people 
how much faith is likely to be kept with any other? In case 
Alabamas ever leave American porta to prey on British shipping, 
what compensation will the Britishers obtain ? If ever we go to 
war, we shall see. 



TEST aupSTIONS 

To Show the Need of a Supplementary Catechism for Irish 

Old Boys of 1S9S. 

Q. Who made you ? 

A. Bedad there, Sorr, I don't know. Sure Theology wasn't taught 
at our College. 

[ The Examiner will ■ at once proceed to remedy the defect with 
instruction from the Supplementary Catechism, 
Q. Who was George the Third ? 

A, Faix, Sorr, I 'm not acquainted with the gentleman at all at 
alL Modem History wasn't purt of our education. 

[D^ect remedied again, 

Q. What are the recognised obligations of the Moral Law ? 
A. Well, Sorr ... on me faith and conscience I don't know. 
It was one of those subjects of which the Pote (we learnt Poethry, 
Sorr) says— . . 

«< no we never mention it, 
iu name is never heard." 
[Supplementary Instruction commences forthwith. 



TouchinfiT the '* BelL." 



Perhaps some Cambridge authority will kindly say— for the in- 
formation of a Correspondent who signs himself *^An Amateur 
Gentleman Ringer*'— whether the Bell Scholarships at that Uni- 
versity are awarded for proficiency in campanology. The Calendar 
is silent on the subject. 

Some Mistake. 

The Brighton Aquarium announces, among its myriads of other 
attractions, an Axalot from Mexico. We thought this had come 
from a more northern part of the New Continent, and that, by way 
of return, we were going to Pay alot. Digitized by Vm^\^ V J ^ 



PxlBttd bf JoMPk Svita. of 
SUMt.la tta FiveiBet of 



^•w2i5sru'«^^.rjsjiv.irrj»5iriri^^^ 



Mabch 1, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



85 




THE COAL FAMINE. 

Wift, " 0, Chables, how Kind of thb Browns 1— (iZAMb).— ' Mbs. Brown 

PRX8XNT8 HXH COMPLIMENTS TO Mr. AND MrS. JoNES. AND HOPES THBT WILL 
OIVB HER THE PLEASURE OF THEIR COMPANT AT A FiRB PaRTT ON MONDAY, 

March 8rd.— Fires lighted at 6*80.*" 1 1 



8UBSTITUTBS FOR THB STRIKING 
CLASSES. 

Dabwdt, on your " Development," 

To me, whene'er I think, 
'Twixt Man and Ape 'tis erident 

We need the Miasinff Link; 
A want which Strikes naye rendered clear 

To each disooming eye, 
By causing coals to grow so dear, 

And meat to rise so high. 

A^horse may kick, a dog may hite, 

If mutinous he wax ; 
Bat singly they with Masters fight, 

And not in herds and packs. 
Else, stud and kennel were like mine 

And factory ; 0^ what then, 
Could working animals combine 

And strike as Working Men F 

Workers we lack who cannot strike 
^ ' Together, for demands ; 

Not quite mankind, but so far like 

As navin^ human hands ; 
Creatures discerning what we mean. 

Docile ; in size and shape 
An intermediate thing between 

The Nigger and the Ape. 

For Black is not distinct from White 

As Ape from Nigger. Pair 
The colours; a Mulatto might 

Be bom a Briton's heir. 
A Man and Brother had, we found. 

From slavery to be freed. 
For simious alayes we look around ; 

But ah, there 's no such breed ! 

Could such a race of slayes be bred 

Through ages, by degrees P 
The Monkeyr range is limited. 

And Monkeys live in trees. 
As they can't toil« and workmen flout, 

0, Dabwin, try and think I 
Derebpe mmdhng^fi work out 

A TTarking MMng Link. 



BOB LOGIC. 

AsGunre that there was no possible substitute for the Income- 
tax, in answer to a deputation from the Associated Chambers of 
Commerce that waited on him the other day to urge its immediate 
repeal, Mb. Lows is reported to haye said that :— 

" He oould soggett means of rtiung the rerenue by patiiiig taxes up«n 
aitiolea that had already been redooed or freed, as tugar, tea, coffee, or the 
duties on life aasorance ; bat theae thinga had been oonaidered more oppreailTe 
and injoriooa than the Income-tax itself, and auoh a ^uiia would be a 
retroapeotiTe step." 

Veitigia nulla retrormm* That is Mb. Lowe*8 argument against 
reyerting to just indirect from unjust direct taxation. By the way. 
*' retroepectiye " must be a reporter's substitution for ** retrograde.'' 
Vestigia nuUa retroraum is perhaps hardly so logical a reason for 
not taxing sugar, tea, and coffee rather than income, as Ex luce 
lueellum was for taxing lucif er-matohes. One would imagine, con- 
sidering the utter impossibilitjr which Chancellors of the Exchequer 
seem to see in replacing a partial tax on incomes by duties on the 
groceries aboye named, that the yictims of the Income-tax consist. 
as a class, of persons who do not consume as much tea. coffee, and 
sugar, as oth^ people, and particularly as the Striking Classes, 
whose incomes escape taxation, and who haye raised tiw price of 
butcher's meat and all other proyisions, by daily eating meat at 
dinner, and likewise at eyery other meai« and maldng, generally, 
three or four meals a day. 



See Advertiaement. 



OuB Nayy seem to haye some curious wants. The Contract De- 
partment of the Admiralty inyite tenders for Blue Jean, Comforters, 
Duck, Duck Coaling, Flushing, South Westers, and Stay Tape— the 
last tftiole of commerce bein^ required, we presume (the public 
Botiee is not explicit on this point) for laccing the ships' stays. 



TWO ASH-WBDNESDAY OBSEEYATIONS. 
ByxBT dog has his day. As All Saints haye a f estiyal to them- 
selyes so All mnners expect their tum^ and take it on Ash-Wednes- 
day, stiU known as Die$ Cinerum^ which is, being uneodesiastically 
and freely translated. All Sinners' Day. It used to be spent as a 
Fast day: now, howeyer, the day is kept The night has by use 
pretty well establiihed itself as a Fast one, in some instances, a yery 
Fast one. Yet a yariety of tastes is consulted. Dust and ashes may 
be still emblematiMl eyen of amusement ; as. for instance, at an 
Islington Music-hall, where there is a sort of Ballet-BalL which will 
result in kicking up a goodish dust, while the dust wiU be ** come 
down with " pretty liandsomely in many instances. And there 's an 
Oratorio at tiie Albert Hall which symbolises ashes, at least, the 
next thing to it, i.0., Colb. The two ideas of deyotion are thus re- 
presented at Islington and Kensington, and we hojpe that both 
Deyotees and Dancers will be nene the worse for their Wednesday 
night on Thursday morning. * 

Boots and Being. 

AxoHG the yarious adyertisements round about that beautify 
eyery practicable surface, the wayfarer may haye noticed one which 
offers him boots so constructed as to be capable of being continually 
renoyated by haying affixed to them, when necessary, a new heel, 
lliis is an ingenious contriyance for prolonging a boot's existence, 
but, alas I it will make no boot last for eyer. Besides that, the 
upper leathm must still wear out, and the renewal of the heel of a 
boot can boot but little when we cannot depend on the immortality 
of the sole. 

BBBDLBSS CHBOKOLOOT. 

A ooBTBoysBST stiU rages about the date of the irrepressible 
Athanasian Creed. This is superfluous if they are right who oon- 
sider the Creed of St. Athanasius out of date altogether. 



yoL. Lxiy. 



8< 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Maboh 1, 1878. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 




o - NIGHT » Mon- 
dajf. Fab* 17, 
Lobld Cabnar- 
voir exposed the 
humbug of the 
promises by 
which igiiorwit 
emi^rtiiita are 
ftllnred to the 
BnLzLlB, where 
they find that 
thejT hare hiea 
victimised* Lorb 
Graj^ VILLI iaid 
that, reg-ardle»5 
ol maJdog thinf?t 
unplsaHant with 
foreign power&| 
be had issued 
oertaiu warninei 

against the temptationi held out by interested RSfente* Our Confiiils 
had fumlBbed Mm with tpnetworthf information. II flome of the 
** peopWs papert ** wonld puhliah thia kind of news, it minht be as 
uiieful to the " people " aa Btereotype abuae of all olaseei except 
artiiani. 

The DiTKK OF SoMEBSET wished to know whether we were blunder- 
ing' in drawiHR- the Afghan bmindary. But h^re was ** Duke upon 
Duke." Eia Gface of Argyll informed ilia Graoe of Somerset that 
we had done notbitjg of tbtskind, and that the line wat wiiely drawn 
along the Oxus, under the adviee of Bib HEirRr EAWLUfaoir. He 
did not flay auylhiDg about 

*^Sata*rcand % Oxus, TBMua'a throne," 

which Wtti a pity, because Mn,To^ abould always be quoted when 
tbfre ia a ohanoe* The line waa sometime uaed in. an Olympic play- 
bill, m connection with a druma about the said T£iiVR or Timoue, 
and thia might have pleated MiLXOir, who waa a friend to '^ the 
well- trod stage.*' 

Mb* Akkoid called attention to the vaet quantity of Coal whigh 
ii known to be in China. He wants the Flowery Nation to work at 
its Coal-tifeldfl, We would rather hear of the Cbineae labourer 
tolling for Coal in his own land than in Walea, but there are pro- 
poeals to bring him over aud make him do the work which the 
Union tyrants forbid the Webb labourer to do. We may see a 
Joas-houBe in Merthyr-Tydvil yet* 

Our Druid informed m that there ii to be a Military Centre at 
Oxford J notp howeyer, exactly in any quad, but at a farm a short 
distance from the C^ty of Educational Palaoea* 

Then the ArroiWEY- G eft kiul introduced hia important measure 
for tbe improvoment of the Jury system* Now this, as erery true 
British oratiDF knows, is the Pallid iura of British liberty. But, as 
vtry few British orators know what the classic word means* it may 
he oonvenient to inform— or, shall we lay, remind them that the 
Palladium was a statue of the goddess Pallas, otherwise Minerrat 
and that Troy was safe so long as that statue was preserved. Now, 
two Grecian heroes, aware of the faot, did valiantly but secretly 
make their way into Troy, and lay violent hands on the Palladium* 
Trty'a futL Wow^ look again at Mr. Punch^ Cartoon. 

Sib John's proposals are to the effeot that he would reduce the 
aaored Twelve in tbe Box to Seven, except in eases of treason or 
murder. He would improve the oharaeter of juries by mixing in the 



box members of the Bpeoial and of the Common class. Mr* Punch 
imagines that Jomf Bull will be enormously exercised by tbe first 
proposal, and the seoond soems to carry in it suicidal seeds. WOl a 
gentleman care to serve with a greengrocer, and will not a green- 
grocer be jealous of the superior cultivation of the gentleman, and 
as matter of princi|>le refuse t^ be guided by him f There are sundry 
other points on which Si a Johk will have to tigbt hard, if he carries 
his BlB, and the Lawyers are aaid to dislike it— a fact that may be 
in fayour of its character, but not of its chances. 

In Supply, it was complained that we pay for the maintenance of 
an imprisoned pirate chieftain Galled EwMAirirKL BiccA, at Ascen- 
sion* It was suggested that he should be brought here to prison, 
but Me, BAXTfTB said the fellow was beat where he was "until he 
should go to ft better world*** Ma. Baxter probably believies that 
there ia & ohaplain at Asoenaion with oonsiderable powers of e<inver- 
sion. But why is not Bacca hanged P 

Tka Wife's Sister Bill wai hurried through Committee, Hi ene- 
mies avowing ^at they were eager to send it to meet its f tie Irliero 
** A huge two4iiaded e^tigiae at thy doar 
Is r^ady to smite ooce, sod artiitv no mor*.'* 

Tmsda^.—liomi BccKinrfiST moved tlie Second R^aiing of » Bill 
for prev^ting IUilt%y Aecideuts by compeltiug the Oompauiea to 
ftdo^ the two syat^iQlft which aro found »afeit— the Block, ftnd thi 
InterloeMng of points or eignals. Hardly needful to say that it 
Was answered that excessive tcmdernefls and delies^cy mutft; be shown 
ibo wards th« Companies, or that the rude Bill was ient to a Seleot 
OontiiH#ef 

MM, kTktoif informed us that a contract lor fti iMifttl History 
Unaemtn b^ Kentington had been made, the edifltii ll Ift tAiMlbed in 
three years, and it la to cost £3 ^2, i nw », {leasts «bA IrMi nfft ttever 
been lo maipnifioently lodge^l sineu 2^oati'S time. 

Btit ma Mkih can attend not only to the great but to tbe *iiaU, 
•nd h« ii making a "bright little tight little island'^ ia til© Ser- 
pen tme, for the comfort of tbe Wild Fowl* We are glaA of this, 
as tbe na^tiernal ganders tnll be able to keep out of the w^y ol Mb. 

Mb. Vbrroit HABCOTrnt then disttnguiah#d himself by moying 
that our preeemt |>!iblic expenditure ia excesfftve. He adduced a 
variety of figures in proof ot this, and showed how our outlay kept 
on increasing. He remmded the Government that though they had 
nobly redeemed some of their pledges, they had not redeemed their 
vowa to be economical, and he t bought that Parliament ought to hold 
them to these. A debate followed, the ruiult of which was that Jta. 
GtABSTOirE, refusing his asaont to any abstract resolutions, agreed 
to grant a Committee of Inquiry whether any reduetiona coufd be 
madu in the expenditnro for the Civil iiervioe, exelusive of what waa 
secured on the faith of national undertaking, as the interest on the 
Debt J and the Civil List. This, of course, was accepted, ** not,"^ 
said Mb* Hajlcoubt, ** as half a loaf, but as a crumb under ^ 
table," 

Mr, Punch is so simple and aweet-minded and void of all guilct 
that it quite pains him to s^ it hinted that both the Motion and the 
Committe*^ were intended as useful capital at the next flection. 
They will show, it is said, how truly zealous both the independent 
Liberals and the Government are on the question of economy, lie 
oan only say be wonders how [i^raona can be an unkind as to suppose 
that there is anything but true and disinterested patriotism in such 
thinp* Bat he ia altogether too soft-hearted and confiding for the 
cold world. 

Witdn€gdiii/,—A Bill for improving the position of Woman in 
regard to her property was read a Seoond Time, after severe debate, 
and only by }M to 10;^. And 0, dear Madam, if you would but just 
look into the daily paper, and see what dreadful nonsense was talked 
about interfering with the conjugal relation, and all that sort of 
thing, and how dieadf uUy utraid some gentlemen are of allowing an 
honest, hard-working woman to emancipate her means from the 
control of an idle^ drunken, proiligate husband. For that is aU that 
is wanted, you know, Madam. If every couple lived as you and 
your beloved Barnabaa live, faithfully f til lilling the marriage yow» 
no laws to protect one from the other would be wanted. But every 
man is not your Barnabas, and every woman is not bis Belinda, 
and then come cases where protection is wanted very much indeed* 
The House seema inclined to take the reaaonable view of the matter, 
but grudgingly, and perhaps the antics of some of the stroni^-mindtad 
women have rather set tbe legislative teeth on edge* It is unfair, 
however, that good women Bhould eufifer through the bad taste of 
fanaticSi 

Also we bad a much wanted BOI for the protection and education 
of agricultural ehildreu, Mb. Mu.ndella made fun of it, but it is 
at all events a step, eff^* 

Thursdvty.-^LQR^ Rosbdebt made a very good speech about the 
deterioration of our Horsea, which seem to be comiUjEdown at^arly 
to the level of those who cheat with them and betfon them* Ue 
wanted an inquiry. Uibo Ga:ANriLiiJiOjitlEiB#^ Ke^iKi*Y ^ith 
rose-eolour, aud thought that the horse population was goin^ on wtjll 



March 1, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



87 



enough. Anyhow, there is to he a Committee tk> tit on hones— if 
they can. Some Lords are oapital equestrians. 

In the Commons there was some dehate oonneoted with a most 
serious matter— one so serious, in f aot, that the honour of British 
Commerce is concerned that certain statements should be disproved, 
or, if proTed, that the vengeance of Society should descend on the 
gxiilty. Mb. Pldcsoll, Member for Derby, brings against certain 
ship-owners the charge that they send to sea vessels that aie either 
not sea- worthy, or are so loaded as to be almost certain to sink, and 
that this is done isa the sake of the insurance-money. He has pub- 
lished statements of the most terrible kind ; and two Members of 
Parliament, regarding themselves as among the accused, have 
brought actions against him. Our jud^ent and that of the public 
ought to be held in entire suspense until the trials shall have taken 
place. No investigatioa of so much national importance has been 
made for yean, and it becomes us all to watch, but to observe the 
strictest fair-play. To-night the matter came up in the House be- 
cause Mb. Pldcsoll was held to have committea a breach of privi- 
lege in some of his writing on the subject. He admitted that he 
hf^, disclaimed intent to offend the House, and frankly apologised. 
The House felt, and Mb. QLADoron admirably expressed its feeling, 
that the issue was to be tried elsewhere, and that it was not on a 
point of form that the topic should be treated. 

CoLomo. Kvaz elicited some cries by calling the tiials at Dublin 
for the Galway outrages " sham trials ; " but it is difficult to know 
what other epithet would have suited them. It is clesv that ih» 
form of t^ Tree-Box called the Juiv-Box ought not to be tyranni- 
cally cultivated in Ireland bv the oowld-hearted Saxon. Its relative, 
the " GhEdlows-Tree," has long ceased to be a terror there. And 
Mb. Gladstohb boasts of having cut down the Upas-trees. Ireland 
is clearly no longer a " Plantation.'' as of old. 

Chrime is to be prevented a little more. Some stringent dauies 
are added to the present Act, which works very well, but which is 
thought to be sli^tly aided by education, and by Bef ormatories that 
cut off the supply of criminals. 

JWciay.— Our Government wiH not allow Her Majesty's subjects 
to wear Foreign Decorations. We* have but one Fountain of 
Honour, and it sprinn from the Throne. We recognise no alien 
springs. There may oe occasional inconvenience in this, but the 
rule is good ; and, moreover, Britons have a vague idea that some 
Foreign JOecorations, at least, are piooQvable through other channels 
than those whence nonour should flow. Lobd Gba^itville did not 
say this, but probably he thought it the more. 

In the Commons the evening was dull, bat, sn rwanehs^ it was 
brief. A Committee was appointed to consider the ^lod^ in which 
Government Stores are bought, the pleasing arrangement at present 
being that Departments bid against each other, to the great profit of 
Trade, but not of John Bull. 

Mb. MnfTDSLLA. obtained a Committee of Inquiry into the reasons 
why Coal is so awfully dear. But only 22 mea-^we beg paidon— 
Memben were present That, Madam, shows how your Representa- 
tives attend to your business. Mb. Liddbll did not object to the 
Collier asking a rise in wages when profits were high, but very 
much objected to his declining to work a reasonable time, because he 
found his raised wages enough to support him in luxury witiiout 
Mb doing such work. The House was Counted Oat in time for a late 
dinner. 

GBSGO&IAN TONEa 

Ok Thursday evening last there was what they caUed a " Gre- 
^;orian Demonstration'' at St. Paul's. In answer to numerous 
inquiries as to what on earth this means, we have much pleasure in 
presenting our petitioners with some infosmatioiL on the subject 
The Gregorians,«then, are a musical sect called alter (as is evi&nt} 
the Bxv. Cakok Gbboort, of St Paul's, who, on this oeoasion. read 
the Second Lesson in a Gregorian tone. By the way, the Minor 
Canons' voices will be usefol m dirges. Choin wishing to take part 
±Di the Gregorian movement, have to be in training lor a mcMth pre- 
vious on Gregory's Powder. The Anglican Chumh Musical is 
divided broadly, into two parties, the ** AmH-I-Chrefforitm ! " and 
Uie " Anti-Gregorian ;'' and, as the pugnacious Qr§aary says, in 
i2ofiMoaiMiJti^^, "The weakest goes to the w«lL" Whiehthisis 
to be, is as yet uncertain. Being impartial, we wish well to the 
two musical diviaona of the surplim pepnlatisn. 

AXb^I Boov OarpI 
A JAMOVB French Carp, dating from the time of Fnancin thb 
FiBBT, aged three hundred sad seventip-five yean, and measuring 
three feet in length, and two and a half in breadth, was attacked the 
other day by an enormous pike and devomred. His poor fish bones , 
we may sinpooe, lie in JFoaah-like intesment, and, wate it possible 
to catch the devouring pike and label him with an epitaph^ he 
should be made to cai^y this on his back,— 
Itequieseat in Pi$oe, 



WATERWORKS AND VANDALS. 




E are appri&ed that we may safely tniBt the 
Chelsea Wat^rwofks rjo mpaay. to take &afe 
of the scenery opposite to Ifampton Court, in case Parliament is ao 
condding^, or ao eymp&thetio, aa to deliver it into the bands of the 
Fkilktiiiet P Tkere may be Members far Mammou ia the I^epalatare 
capable of any sat^riflce to that 4end» Bat, unleaa ihese constitute a 
majority, it may be w«ll that Noblo Lords and Hoaoarable Gentle- 
men, invited to make the surrender above-named, atould ponder tht 
•ubjoined statement in a letter addreased to the newspapers, under 
the Higttature of " T. H. Bhyajix-" Then they will know what to 
think of tha OhalMa IViaterworks Oovpaay :— 

^' In tha year 1852 tiua T«ry Oompaay obtained powen to oonatrnot reaer- 
Toin, &o., at Boelhiag WoUi^ oloie to the eite now lolaotad. By excaration 
a yery lam mound waa oaaated in front of the residenoea facing the iiTer. 
By their Aot they were required to remore thii mound, but no penalty waa 
attached to it— it ia twenty yeara aco. Would you beliere it, that notwith- 
Btandlng erery exertion of the Corporation of Kingston, and alao of the 
inhabitanta, and large auma of money subsoribed, that that mound still remains 
as a monument to this very Company of their interest in the public." 

Let U3 hope that, as it may h&ye been managed hj benignant 
Fates, the ctviliacd Ptiblio, and eape^iaUy the Corporation and aU 
the reapeotable inhabitaat* o£ Kingefcon and Sarblton, may have to 
thank the Company for having applied to Parliament for liomoa to 
ruin the view from Hampton Court and the " Mitre," By that 
motion the said Asaoeiation will possibly fijad that they have only 
taken something for the oflfenoo of bl^vini^ maintaiiied aft aye- 
BOre, as sordid as those who ereat#d it^ which wid eyesore tEey 
were required to removo by an imporfeot Act of FafUament. 
This cynioal, ahabby, and o0^enaiY6 neglect will perhana not only 
indnoe ParUamont to tlirow out their present Waterworks Bill, but 
also, for their beue^t, that la to aay, for theb corr@otioii and apiend- 
mentt to enaot another one in the intereat of those who hav^ been 
agsrrieTed by their mean parsimony. By this BuppkitOTitarf Aot« 
maybe, thei omisaion of that oi l^^^ will be supplied:, and the 
Chelsea Waterworka Company wMl be not only preyented from 
tpoilinff half-a-mile of the leenery oppoeite to Hampton Ooori; bat 
also obli^d, under a heayy penalty* to reaio?« thm oelebxated 
mud-heap at Snrbitoo," 



Lr the Convoeation of York, the other dav, tiie Proloentor took 
oooarion to remark that *' it waa a matter oi Uiankfalneai tkidj,. in 
oonaeqaenoe of what had oooorred ontaide and within tiie walls of 
the two Lower Houaea of Convocation, the Creed of St* Athanaains 
had been '* sayed." If tiie Creed were sentient, it onflrht to be 
mtefol for sooh a requital of its si^geetioiu in a perfectly opiposite 
direction. 



Q. What wen iha "palmy " d^Fi of tlA 

they were first-rate haada at acting* <^ 



JZji^OQhl 



88 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[BiABOH h 1673. 




A SKETCH IN ULSTERMARINE. 

(And, looking at such Candidates for Marriage, say "Don't " to-- — the Marines.) 



STEALING THE PALLADIUM, OE SCOUEING IT? 

When nion was riim^ on Pergramns' orown. 
From the blue Bky an imafe of Pallas dropt down, 
With Gorgon-bossed baoUer, and segis outspread. 
And a spear in her hand, and a helm on her nead. 
And thus to King Uos the oraole spake :~ 
** 80 long as this image your treasure you make. 
And keep it intact in your citadel's shrine. 
So long Troy shall stand under Ilus*s line : 
But if eVer you let it be stolen, beware ! 
For then is the downfall of Troy in the air." 

Time passed^Menelaus wed Helen—- poor lad. 
And Helen with Paris went off '* to the bad." 
And as Priam at that time was Sovereign of Troy, 
And as Paris, worse luck I was King Priam's pet boy. 
And as, in those days, they 'd no Ck>urt of Diyoroe, 
Where wronged lords to pay up oo-respondents could force, 
And as Paris when called on Madame to send home. 
Said that those who would take her to take her must come, 
Menelaus's friends bade their friends to the fray. 
Who in arms o'er the main against Troy took their way. 
Where for ten years they battered the town, all in yain, 
For why P Its Palladium the town did retain. 

Now Ulysses was far the most 'cute of the Greeks, 
Their deepest of dodgers^ their slyest of sneaks ; 
So he wrought en one Diomed, feeble of wit. 
But A rare 'un straight out from the shoulder to hit, 
With him in a night-raid to hazard his crown. 
To steal the Palladium,— trust of Troy-town. 



Access to the Temple Ulysses secures. 

In a dirtyish manner, along the main sewers ; 

The half-awake guards were cut down at their i>ost. 

The Palladium was cribbed—and Troy|s talisman lost. 

And, within the next six months, by Sinon done brown. 

And humbugged by the Horse, haughty Troy had come down. 

Old England has got her Palladium, like Troy, 

At leasL so I 'ye heard said, since old Punch was a boy. 

This Palladium of ours is no image at all ; 

Nor, as far as I know was from Heayen seen to fall : 

But it 's something that 's |ruarded with all sorts o£ locks, 

And its form is Twelve Bntons shut up in a Box, 

Which Twelve are a Jury, and, till they agree, 

Of not-guilty or guilty no verdict can be : 

'Twas the Barons of Bunnymede first clenched the same, 

And made trial by peers the great stakes of their game. 

And that 's the Palladium, so-called, of John Bull, 

On which see Constitutional writers at fulL 

Is it true that two ehiefs dare Old England to brave— 
Ghilde CoLiRiBes the 'cute, and Lobd Sblbobns the grave— 
And have crept, like Ulysses and Diomed of yore. 
Our Palladium to steal, up St. Stephens's shore P— / 
Have dared pick our best GonstitutionsI locks, 
And lav hands on the sacred Twelve men in a Box ; 
0*er whom, with her spear held defiant at ward. 
Ears erect, and eyes open, Britannia holds guard. 
And whom, if Jomr Bull, who as sentry should stand. 
Lets be tampered with, shall claim redress at his hand. 
For she knows, 'twixt the right and foul tyranny's flood, 
How often that Box with its Twelve men Las stood. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHABIVARL— Maboh 1. 1873. 




STEALING THE ''PALLADIUM/' 

OR, ULYSSES AND DIOMED IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY.GoOgle 



Digitized by 



Google 



Maboh 1, 1878.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAMVARL 



91 



But let '• hope that 'tis not at Palladitim prigi 
XJlyiief and iMomed now ruk thefr Wi«— 
That if on the Box of the Twelif« ikttfhj haSkd, 
It is bnt to fix it more fism en iti iland ; 
To its hingesy where rarted, to ^ve freer p]iqr« 
And bniah« here and tt«M» an M eebireb away ; 



To its depths, where too close, to let in light and air, 
fio that /Mtiee. in futore, mayn't lose herself there. 
Andyte if at fast, by some work of new leayen, 



The Twelve men in the Box dionld ^t stewed dfown to seven. 
Don't let 's tiiink, with some f anlts in its framewwk removed. 
The Palladium damaged, heoause it ^s improved. 



SOOttTY ON STRIKE. 

E live in strikine: timM ; 
tiuw is no den; in^ Uia t 
Xvetybody ^mma to 
have a tendsnor to 
strike, and nobody can 
Ay where thiA tandenoy 
may lead lUk In addi- 
tioB to oar ooal itHke, 
We may any mDrninf 
find oiriMhrefl &fQioted 
by a eab strike, and 
shafi 4«teem ourselves 
quite fortunate if we 
esoape aeook itrike, A 
batcher's strike hoa 
been reported from the 
North, and in London 
we have aotually been 
threatened by a bakef 's 
str&e. Who can tell 
but a Prem strike mny 
be looming in the fu- 
¥BmY ana fanoy with 
^nlMrt bsrrer the world 
wmUL bear the news 
that Hiere had been a 

-At :|Rrase(nt itrikes 

hiiye bmn oontiiied to 

what perhaps in irony ai^osIfadlheWoAiitrOUsses: but it is highly probable 

that the tendency to strike Hiay aYadttaDy axtend to i^Skm Mum of Suoiety, 

where people live by mental as well as manual labour. 

Considering the ruing oost of fael and provisions, a Corate strike ought surely 




to be reckoned on the cards ; and a Clerk strike must ia 
some quarters be looked upm aa immineat* Why there 
thould not be a DtXEtors' strike in certain country neigh- 
bo urhoodai is more than we cAn Bay, Beeing^ what low 
BEdaries are paid for i>oor-houfle praotioe, A Governtiss 
strike would Hkewiio be eiousabiej we think, but pro- 
bably would fail through lack of proper agitation* 

There are many persons moving in fashionable circles 
who yet may be described with oorrectness bs beloniciug 
to the Worfeag Clajjaes, Few labouretB work harder 
than an energetic dancer, or a daiJy dinernmt, Mid the 
lalwura of a chaperon in the middle of the *ea»oii miiit 
be weU-nie:h as exhausting' as the labours of Heronkis, 
and pretty nearly as unprofitable in their aetual resijlt. 
If a atrike were to ooeur an:iO!ig the Ug>er Working 
Claeaea, it ia terrible to think kow muoh Sooiety would 
snlftir, Stippoainy that our friend Tom Smtles* and half 
a thoueand like him, wt^re suddenly to strike, and decline 
all invitationis» who would nnderg^o the strictly manual 
labour of handing down old Laipt HtrMGMUFFTK to 
dinner, and perform the mental work of entertaining 
that dear creature through half a B<H>re of eonriei and ices 
and deflatrt ? And suppoiilBt Habrt Gall'ipeb. and nil 
the other good youni? active fellow b who are kind eneui^h 
to do the danolng' at otir baUi^ were on a end den to corn- 
bine^ and form an Anti-Waltzinj^ Union, or an AntU 
Ereniof- Party Club, with what terror would Soeifcty be 
stnekem at the news S As for poor oyer- worked Papas, 
who, after alavinif all day long^ to pay for their ifirls' 
dreoieB, are ©xpoted iuat at bedtime to ««eort their dar- 
lmj|s to a ball J and tnere to danoe attendanee on them 
unial nearly daylight,— aa to these poor fellow -workmen 
our virtuous inditnation incitca us to observe that, if 
thei% be not soon a itrike of PaterfamLIiastJes, they will 
proTe themaelyea deacrving to be oalled by the two 
ayUables which oomplete that oomplex word. 



OTJE BSPBESEHTATIVE XAV. 

He addreuM the Editor^ a$ timai, q/ter vmting the Olobe^ and 
assisting at the representiUion of ** Oriana*^ 

AmB the diseuBiion as to wKere You should be represented this 
week, whioh terminated (the disouesion^ not the week) by your ob- 
serrisff that Yon resJIy *^ did not care wher^ I went to ^ (wniehsonie 
tetohy folk might bav@ t«ken unkindly, though I didn't). I oonsolted 
the papers to see what was goini^ on in the Theatrioal World. I 
found a^ood deal going on which I thought had been on the point 
of steppmg, and 1 aseertained that the latest novelty was Oriana at 
the Globe. Now^ Sir, I had not Been Old Soldi^rti at the Strand, 
nor Old London at the Qneen'i : two old, but both new : exoept, 
by the way, that Li^i Cheruliers du Bromlhtrd, whioh is Oli 
London, will be found fully reviewed in this journal alient five years 
ago. Then there waa The Schixtl for Scandal at the YaudeTille, 
whieh. as represtnting You, I thought would keep for some con- 
siderable time Icinger ; and there were Hkbr and Mm^. BAimKAinr, 




i 



Wales's Theatre before this appears), in Mamiet^ at the Prinoess's, 
for nine times only— a nine days' wonder— and, in faot, so many 
attractions East and West that I hesitated whether to go to the 
Globe for Oriana^ or somewhere else, or nowhere at aU. I looked 
at the oritioisms in the papers. One intimated that Oriana had been 
nearly langhed off the stage on the first night; another, that an 
increased ballet might make it an aareeable after-pieoe, wnioh was 
hard npon a Bomantic Legend or Airy Comedy (as it was at first 
advertised) in three acts of mingled— or mnddled— prose, blank 
vers^ and rhyme. Another critic abnsed the andienoe for deriding 
all that was intended by. the anther to be taken serionsly, and 
praised the piece with reserrations. Another praised it all nnreserr- 
edljr, and, indeed, had not laudation sufficient for its transoendent 
merits. Puzzled by all this, and seeing the day fast slipping awi^ 
withont my beinff able to come to any decision as to where ishoold 
represent You, I was on the point of throwing up all theatrical 
entertainments, and deroting^yself to going to hear a celebrated 
musician, with whose name I was totally unacgnainted, perf onn. as 
he was announced to do, on the^new Ebonite Cylinder^ at Wim- 
bledon, which, it occurred to me, would be a real treat, spedally if 



he were aocompanied on the Bolophone and the Digitoyentolopho- 
niutn (a sweet thing for an amatory duett between a gentle lohtnyo- 
saurus and an accomplished Mastodon), when a friend said to me, 
**If you 'ye not seen Oriana, don't!'' and another, immediately 
afterwards, said, '* If you 'ye not seen Oriana, do I " and so, finding 
that the Ebonite Cyludrical performanoe was not coming off that 
eyening, I settled upon representing You, Sir, judicially, at the 
Globe Theatre. 

Oriana, then, is an undramatic j;K>em set to music. What may be 
called the fairy part of the poem is f anc^ul and pretty. Much that 
Peep the fairy lias to say would deserye higher praise thui this, 
"^ — it not that one is constantly reminded of the author's efforts. 



in straining after originality, to free himself from the haunting 
recollection of the Fays of D&iTTON and Biekr JoKsoir , of Mercutio^s 
description of Queen Mah, of A^rieL Ptio^, and tiie whole army of 
tiny tricksome spirits to whom the Master Hand gaye immortauty. 
That part of the poem which is about JTma Raymond and his Queen 
Oriana, is Tennysonian. What is intended for the comic portion, 
and giyen to Oxeye the demagogue and his loutish followers, so 
forcibly recalls Bottom and his associates, that one is expecting to 
see thep set to work to rehearse Pyramus and Thisbe ; out, luas! 
they io nothing a Quarter so amusing. The patchwork of prose, 
bknk yerse, and rhyme, indiscriminately, is a mistake. The 
rhyming portion should haye been kept exolusiyely to the fairy's 
speeches, and the yocal music should haye been confined to the 
spirits. Blank yerse should have been the form for t^e more serious 
personages of the poem, and prose for the low come^ans. But to 
expect an artistic whole out of a sort of haphaza^ jumble of 
rhyming Words, hard prose, instrumental music, blank yerse, unex- 
pected songs, and occasional dances, is to rub on to the canyas a 
confused smudge of yarious oolouqi and to look for the fflorious 
effect of a Claude's sunset. I haye no doubt but that, as renearsed 
singly, eyery patch was charming by itself, and that wit^ it, author, 
composer, ana actor were alike de&ghted. Oriana, to be enjoyed, 
must be read, not seen, and then the comic ^rt n^ust be skipped. 
Howeyer, Your Bepresentatiye has to deal with it in its pubBuied 
form on the Globe stage. 

WeU, then, seeing the prominence of Peep the f air/s part, I will 
begin with her. It is pla]fed by Miss Carlotta Addison. It is the 
best-played part in the piece ; but, it is the best part— or, rather, it 
is the only part. Yet what is she to represent P A crippled fairy. 



92 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[ICaboh 1, 187S. 




FRAGMENT OF FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION 

{^AjUr iht Door %$ dosed). 
LiUU 3weU No. 1. «• Huntin' to-day I " 

LUOe SuM No. 2 (sMing hinua/ in the Up-Train, aUended by Livery SUMe Keeper). ** £r— Yaas." 

No. 1. *• Kbkp your Hobsss hkrb I" No. 2. " Ea— Yaas." No. 1. " Was that SmasbemP*' No. 2. 

No. 1. *• UsBFUL Fbllow, xh I " No. 2. " Eb— Taas. Lbnt ice Twenty Pounds onoe^neveb Paid him," 



' Eb— Taab." 



limping oa a eratoh* Old WitohM limped and liobbled on onitoh- 
handled itioki, bat they were hags, and mortal, not Sprites or Fays. 
Bat I imagine Puck with a braised arm beoaose he oooldn't get oat 
of the way of the Miller's flail, or aa Ariel witibi a wooden leg, in 
oonseqoence of a fall from a bat I No, it won't do ; to begin with, 
it won* t do. Yaloan was kicked oat of Heaven, and limped ; bat 
Yaloan wasn't a Spenserian fagry. Miss Addisok, afain, does not 
look a fairy. Now, Miss Txbet did look Puek^ and Miss Hodson, 
artfally oostomed, was a very fair impersonation of tiie stage Ariel ; 
and, bjr the way, e^ren Titanta and Ooeron were well represented in 
the reyiyal of Muhummer Nighfe Dream at the Qaeen s. So that, 
in spite of the antecedent improbability, fairy forms (oat of extmya- 
ganza and barlesqae) can be tolerably well presented on the stage, 
fairy Peep, however, in Oriana^ looks like a distraaght peasant- 
girl, who had robbed a booth to snpply herself with tawdry 
trimming, had lamed herself by escaping nom the window of some 
neighbonring Innatic asylam, and was wandering aboat the coontiy 
with an ear-tramDet (by way of something sporting) and a fraction 
of a hop-pole. This is certainly not the aathor's faolt, oniess he 
designed the oostame, or approyed sach a design. As for the rest, 
personages they were, characters they were not, except Mb. 
FLOCKTOir as the Fool, SoUm^ who from tiie first reminded me, 
both in gait and appearance, of Mb. iBTiire. and who did not, 
therefore, surprise me when ne gave the andience the key to hie 
reading of the part by exclaiming^' Hark I the beUs I " which oaght, 
jost to have enlivened the proceedings a bit, to have been the one 
for an imitation ; bat, I regret to say, it wasn't. Oriana being 
comparatively nobody, and Peev everybody, and seeing that the 
great point is the charmed well. I shoald recommend a change of 
name for the piece. Let it be a Fairy Operatic Extravaganza, with 
lively mosic of the Nobody-knowe-ae-I-do and Agee-ago style, and let 
it be called, instead of Oriana^ Little JBo-PeepjOr Leave Well Alone. 
At present 'tis neither play nor opera. Yoa are diNippointed 
with it as an opei^ because there is too mach dialogae ; yoa are 



disappointed with it as a play, beoaose there is too moch mosic. 
Let the piece be redooed to an noor and a qoarter's doration, and 
re-oast, witii sLogers. I shoald soggest, as likely to hit the poblio, 
the following names :^King Baumondt Mb. Sues Bbbvbs ; Queen 
Oriana, Miss Emilt Soldsite (anless she played Raymond^ and the 
whole thing was extravaganza'd) : Oxeye^ with a bimo song, might 
be Mb. Gbobob Honet. I shoald cat oat the Biehop eatirely, or, if 
he grambled, he coald have a ballet to himself, with cymbals. Peep 
might be wdl played by an intelligent grandson of Masteb Pebcy 
Roselle, and there shoald be a choros of fairies by the choristers 
from EvAire's, to sing something as catchy as '* Spring, Spring, 
beautiful Soring J* Mb. Collodioit, the caricatorist, will, I believe, 
be shortiy disengaged, and he might be thrown in somehow. At all 
events, he *d draw. 

One thin^ most serioosly be said for Mb. Albebt's Bomantic 
Legend, which is, that it is entirely free from anything in the 
remotest degree approaching a vein of coarseness. 

This delicacy of treatment is especially to be noticed in the foor 
sitoations of the piece ; first, where the King falls in love with 
Chloe, then with the Biehop, then with himself, and, lastiy, where 
tiie Queen becomes enamoared of Oxeye. In these a less pore and 
poetic mind might have been tempted to say coarsely all that the 
sensoal aspect of the occasion coald soggest, and would have been 
content to leave nothing to the imagination. This sbagh Mb. 
Albebt has avoided ; and there is not, from beginning to end, one 
single line which I would not trust my Maiden Aont from Glapham 
to hear, and, haviog heard, to retorn thither in the last omnibos 
with her spotless umbrella and a firmer faith in the love and truth 
of her only nephew. 

So much. Sir, for representing You at Oriana. As te its suooess— 
well, in theatrical matters no one can say wh%t will or what won't 
catch the public. Were I the Manager of the Globe, I should hope 
for the best, and be prepared for the worst Farewell for the 
present. I am ever Youb REPBissirrAXivE. 



I 



ILuBOH 1. 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEL 



93 






bi'M III 




EVIDENT QENIUS. 

Bmmy{M€mma^8volwUe&r Jkcretary), '*How is this to nfe A^TBWBitlD, Kitty f I don't 
Know what to. SayI— (iZMKiv.)— 'Mbb. Fitzmode a,t Hoke on the 30th Inst, fboh Four 
to Six o'Clock.' " 

KiiOy! "Well, I shouu) Wbitb and Say Mamma did not Know Mb«. FrraMODE had 

BEEN JLWAY, BUT WONDERS SHE SHOULD ReTUBN TO StOP ONLY TwO HOUBS " 1 1 



WHAXj.Alf OLD-FASHIONED 
WINTfiE MEANS. 

DOCTOS* 

CMlbldfis. 

EedNoee. 

CoM m tlie head. 

Frosted potat^a. 

Af^^r&TatioTi i>f t^e msmj of iHldi% in the 

Slippery pftvi^ments. 

Coals up* 
Hprsee down* 
Melting snow* 
Impu^ble streete* 
Wet feet 
Pump frozen, 
Pip^B butet* 
Plumber. 
SubseriptioM, 

Unfavourable rettuiiB by Bi&giitrar- 
'0eiieraLs. 



A DidooTBBY liM betti TM^tttiy made 
l^oh, if preBeiit «0Bjeettd!« is oroved oor- 
teet, will ffo fir towards estal^riiiiigr the 
ezistenoe of a loBff Bitsi>eot^ P^e-deyonian- 
lambio period m the history of oar planet. 
The distisgniihed n^turaliBt who lately 
fofriidthenAdonbt^d remains of amagnifi- 
oent Ptoro-Da^tyl (one of the genns Epea 
PteroSnta)^ bus tor warded for our inspeo- 
tloin a 81I1II& ulaw of what he eomdders to 
haye been a splendid ap«eiaifi& of the Three- 
footed Spondee. 

FuTE Opbndtg.— We all know people who 
are for eyer protesting that they most draw 
the line somewhere. Now is their time. 
Let them go to Central Asia. 



=?= 



THE LAMBETH TSMPEBANCE LEAGUE. 

Let ns drink an Institiition, likeliest to promote sobriety. 
Here 's to the neHir-f onnded CSinroh of England Temperanoe Soeiety : 
For the CSinreh xA tikis reaim dc^ berides as ne denondnatioD, 
Ck>mmen^ and eofimeU apd set lotth« always, ia all thmgs, 

Most chiefly is the Chnroh's moderation shown strong drinks in using ; 
Not, as do some that greatly err, eschewing such, but not abnsing, 
She doth reproye aU sots, and them like swine that in their s^dlf lie 

sonken: 
But praiseth tkem tiftt make good oheeiv yet drink se that they be 

not dranken4 

That wine is good tin Ohiroh doth proye fhxm many a plaoe beyond 

all qnestion. 
It strengtheneth the lieart of Man : to bobm is needful for digeetien: 
So likewise these good oteatnresaMwhieh at sound dootrineby some 



As the l^totalleni do yalDllr ta&, be called '' iMtoadoattag liq^ 

Inteinpenatoe is ooAoening, this the CSrasoh of England further 

teaches— 
They are to be oondemned tiiat aiake on Tempevaaoe etiitB^ mten- 

perate sjpeei^es. 
Raye oyer Christian Liberty for leaye to ezeroiee doBfldnioiL, 
Drunk without drink on yaniiy, and jnS^ up with self-opinion. 

The Church good measures loyetii, and laitead of banning pint or 

pottle, 
The canticle doth much applaud that biddeth all m^ with a bottle. 
And that a jolly and a fnll, they arm tiiemselyes at f estiye season ; 
So as eftsoons to empt the same by draught* within tiie bounds of 

reason. 

Now fill we up another glasif, and drink His Grace of Canterbury. 
May he take order for sound port, unbrandied, and as wdl for sherry, 
Sith, as Archbishop he doth rule the Temperance Church Association ; 
Thence orthodoxy shall increase, with decrease of intoxication. 



A PAEA0BAPH TRAP. 

Ae an (dd bird we are not often caught with cha£ We are neyer 
taken with it at any time, censiderinff it, as regards repartee, in the 
ratio of the luvsepUy ox an English coalheayer's fisHcuffiB to the 
dexterous handlingcn a French courtier's jkurette. So much for 
chaff, in passing. The form of the bait whcvewith we were trapped 
was not« on consideration, noyel ; but it was new to find it m a 
oomer of the 2¥pnM, at the tail of an otherwias interesting para- 
graph, which was headed '* An Anglo-Moorish Marriage." After 
an amusingly curious account of such sc&nt ceremony as seems to 
haye taken place, the account concludes with the information that 
the wedding-breakfast was oi^ this occasion supplied by « certain 
hotel at Tangier, which proyides '* capital accommodation on reason- 
able terms,'' &o., wi^ a further personsi recommenfdaticn of the 
landlord and his wife. "I can't conceiye," said Mr. Crummies, 
after reading the startling and laudatory notices about himself in 
tlie local pampers, '*who puts these things in. I didn't" If the 
whole story is a romance, so much deyerer is the adyertisement. If 
not, greatly to be admired is the skill which has turned the incident 
to so practical an aooouat. We can imagine an infinity of deyices on 
this foundation, namely : " Celebration of the Eighteenth Birthday 
of a Hindoo Princess,'^ which should be a boot and shoemaker's 
adyertisement ; then ** Religious Ceremonies on the Coming of Age 
of an Egyigtian Eldest Son," which should lead up to a puolication 
of some hosier's and outfitter's wares. " Presence of Mind in India," 
showing how a tiger was frightened by an umbrella, would, of 
course, oe an eyident c|^K>rtunity, and so on. They must be well 
done, howeyer, and an imj^royement on former attempts. The 
present model herein noticed is excellent. Only henceforth we shall 
be inclined to regard with a more than ordinaruy wary eye any very 
attractiye heading in Paragraph Comer. 



A Katter of Taste. 
(Never §mdf but thought of aa 900 lit the oigar, to go home,) 

" Do you like Bbownino ? " asked a reading man of a Younj^ Lady 
whom he had taken down to dinner. The rair creature hj his side, 
(who was no bookworm,) answered, "Yes. That is, I like crack- 
ling." 



94 



PUNCH, OR THB LOltoON CHARIVARL 



[Haboh I, 187a. 




"MESNE PROFITS." 

Old Lady. <* Thbebfence I ! Wbt. I 'vb Riddek this Wat a. HumiBBD Timbs, and mxvkb Paid mohk than Twofencs I " 
Ctnd'uetor. " A Hundbed Tins, 'H ? Let ke See 1 Then tov Owe the Co'pant EioHT-AN'-FoTmPENOE, 'U I Would' tou 
UKE TO SsTTLB WITH ME NOW, 'M, OB SHALL I " .. [Old Lodj/ fttntUs prec^UoUly. 



YENUS VAUNTETH HER. 

{A propos of Set coming TransU^ 

Thst may sneer at me ad-pass^e, as a belle of byg^one f ashion* 

Who onoe had mj adorers, but am now left in the oold. 
Like some pale wall-flower, wooed of yore with poetry and passion, 

Now left on ball-room bench, unhid out of the ohaperon's fold. 
But that Venus still is somebody for men to make a fuss about, 

E'en in this generation of materialists and muffs, 
Is plain, when, only to behold her passing, folks thus rush about. 

And how, when, where to watoh her, leamdd pundits oome to cufQk 

Yes, mv boudoirs in fair ^Cyprus may by ooarse hands have been 
shattered. 

And New Yorkers their museum be enriching from my shrine— 
Since that rude Gbitbril Ceskola its treasure-troye has scattered— 

In Art, as well as dry goods, with the desperate hope to shine. 
Still, though my faith be fallen, and though my f anes haye vanished, 

Venus soil holds her Heayen, to which men*s thoughts and eyes 
yet run \ 
Nor from the lists of Science is the Queen of Beauty banished. 

But holds Old World and New at gaze to see her cross the Sun. 

Yes, I can still make leamM heads with eager passion airy ; 

Bring a persistent proctor at my summons to nis knee : 
Can launch ships for Antarctic Isles, penguinny and white-beary, 

To pass a six months' winter dark, for one day's sight of me : 
And all because they fancy, poor idiots, that Venus 

Is the best of heayenly bodies to attack with their base-line ; 
As if there eyer could be ausht of interchange between us. 

But mute obseryanoe on ueir part, and loftiness on mine I 

At least 



t least you own the majesty of her whom thus you follow. 
When ^tis by her you measure all the greatness that you kn( 



low; 



When 'tis she who giyes the standard of proportions for Apollo. 
And binds him down to take the length of her string for his DO' 



Still Venus is the soyereign power of high as lower regions. 
Still spans and sciEdes.the uniyerse by ruling of her charms, 

And as erst for Helen's loyeliness she flred the Greeks and Phrygians, 
So now her Transit calls the world of sdenoe up in arms. 



A STEP IN THE WRONG DIEECTION. 

Up to the present hour we haye had a good opinion of Japan, as a 
countnr daily becoming more and more j;M>lished and ciyilised, and 
likely in due time to enjoy all the distmctions and adyantages of 
Strikes, Select Vestries, Conyocation, Four-wheeled Cabs, Superfine 
Black SUk Hats, a Court Circular, and a permanent Income-tax. 
But our faith has been rudely shaken. We are not so sure of tha 
improyement in Japan, after reading the almost incredible announce- 
ment that, amongst other innoyations lately introduced there, " a 
holiday is to be kept on eyery seyenth day instead of on eyery flf th 
day"! What can be expected from a nation which yoluntarily 
depriyes itself of twent]r-»one days of leisure and relaxation from 
work in the course of a single year ? Such a statement might haye 
bem regarded as a merry jest put forth to take in, if it had not been 
published in the Money Article of the Times— bl column not usually 
enliyened hyfacetia. 



Pie for Pudding. 

'* I, BT those Yankees oyerreaohed, am done ; 

Thus, Indirect Claims, after all, they 'ye wen." 

To me so singingin reply 'tis sung : 
" JoHif, eat your Humble Pie, and hold your tongae." 



GBSAT KSW8 FOR SPADT. 



J. 



'* OxLO with a Band of 1500 Men," &c. New Spanish patriotio 
song, adapted from Balfe's celebrated ballad. When Olio ^Arts. 



rrlBttd fcy Jotrpk SmitA, of ko. M, Holford Square, is th« Pwuft of St. Jmbm.OI ffJcnwcU, u tho Oovatr of KitfdlMts, •^^J^^i^gSf^Ji,^}^';'^^^^*^^^* ^*^Z* • ?V*,^2?**^ 
Sttvtt, iB th« Pnelaet of WUteCrianVin tli« Olty of London, and PuUiah ^ by him at Mo. 8». Fleet 6treet, in tta« ParUh of St. Bride, Uty of Londom. - Batobbat , Karck 1, 1|09. 



March 8, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



95 




BOLD PROMISE OF TRANSFORMATION. 

Old Lady. " Hi I Do you go to the Angel ? " 

CoTiduetor, «« Heee y* are, Mum I We can soon change yer into one ! " 



THE CREAM OF DEVONSHIEE. 

The adyowBon of the rectory of Dodbrooke was reoently 
put up for sale by public aaotion, but although "de- 
scribed as one of uie loveliest sites in Devon, with only 
one Dissentinfir chapel in the pariah," it failed to find a 
purchaser. Beautiful scenery, and the slightest possible 
Nonconformity, could not raiw the biddings oeyond 
£920. Perhaps a trout stream, or a pack of otter hounds 
within an easy distance, or a well-walled fruit garden, 
or excellent society in the immediate neighbourhood, 
might have made Dodbrooke more saleable, and saved 
it &om the indignity of being ** bought in at £1000." 
There may have l>een another reason whv the bidding 
was so slow. **The auctioneer declared ne could only 
account for it by fears which might be entertained with 
regard to future legislation^" and endeavoured to 
encourage the company by assuring them that *'no 
legislation in England could ever destroy vested 
interests." If such scandals as the open sale of Church 
livings in public auction rooms are continued, the 
Church itself may be found to be ** going, going — gone I " 
sooner than is expected. 



SNORING RAILWAY SLEEPERS. 

' Thi Times has been informed by Mb. Jahss Ashbubt, 
Chairman of the Ashbury Railway Carriage and Iron 
Company (Limited), that the first Sleeping Carriage for 
use on an English Railway was used on the journey from 
Glasgow to London on Monday night, and arrived at tiie 
Chreat Northern Terminus, Ein^ Cross, at eight P.x. 
Success to Railway Sleeping Carnages. Pleasant dreams 
to those who sleep in them. They will always travel in 
their dreams, ana sometimes different ways. Hereto- 
fore railway sleepers have mostly occupied a stationazj 
position below the wheels. Kbj the sleepers in transit 
repose as securely as those in site, and may the former 
never awake to find themselves in a situation of 
unpleasant contiguity to the latter. 



PABLIAMBNTABT AHOXALT. 

The Standing Orders are only complied with when 
the House is sitting. 



POOE WnJilAM AND PLAYFUL PADDY. 

With a dittf full of pity to bemoan him I '11 make free, 

Whose vocation legislation for Ireland comes to be. 

Where A 's white light is B's black night, and B's right is A*s 

wrong; 
And reasons ffo by seasons, weak to-day, to-morrow strong ; 
And everybody argues, and nobody agrees, 
And those your work are first to burke, whom your work was meant 

to please : 
And the crathers— such their nathers— turn to kick if you caress 

^ them. 
And in challenge trail the new coat's tail, in which you 've toiled to 

dress them ; 
And when for peace, that strife may cease, you brave the plagues of 

martyrs. 
With shrill *• Hurroo 1 " and •* Croom-a-boo ! " they rush to cuffe like 

Tartars I ^ 
If Parliament time be a Pantomime — as says some scoffing joker,— 
One thing the Clown had best put down— that's Patr-the red-hot 

poker! 

Poor William see ; how painfully his Irish University 

He 's seasoned up, and reasoned up, what need that Punch rehearse 

it ye I ^ 

A good nch slice, to make it nice, of Trinity plum-pudding ; 
A Galway fish, to crown the dish, for Ultramontane grubbing ; 
Snug bursaries,— precursories of prizes of more volume meant ; 
A fountain Ultramountain of honour and emolument ; 
The HIstorv chair— that blistery chair for rival Churches— banished ; 
Ditto Morals, lest for quarrels it might stand, its morals vanished ; 
Each lecturer— a picture here of Li^ralism's dominion — 
(Sects to puzzle) in a muzzle, tiiat he bite no man's opinion ; 
Sure was never scheme so clever, to please each denomination, 
And lo I the end is not a friend 'twixt it and execration I 

The fate of fools between two stools, we know, is downfall fitting : 
Then tell me what must be his lot who on four stools tries sitting ? 



And that is where, 'twixt earth and air, my Wiluax seems to be 

now : 
'Twixt mild Mageb, proud Trinity, godless d. and grim R. C. now : 
A modus to patch, and a peace to hatch, out of centuries' brawl and 

battie : 
From pigs shear wools, turn Papal bulls into harmless, hornless 

cattie: 
Coax black and white at length to unite, since neither in the lurch is ; 
And make the 'ologies, with apologies, knuckle down to the Churches. 
But storms are near, to blast, I fear, hopes of millenniAl weather. 
With lambs and lions in sweet alliance in Academe together. 
And the self -same fate, methinks, will await those who 'd foster this 

peaoe-germ. Sirs, 
As waits all who'd run two extremes into one, without a common 

term, Sirs. 



PLEASURES OF HOPE. ' 

Giving sixpence to an organ-grinder, when you are hard at head 
work, in the illusive hope of purchasing his silence ; and then find- 
ing him repeating his call re^arly at precisely the same hour, and 
playing with marked emphasis close before your door-step. 

Running errands for your Aunt, and petting her asthmatic pug- 
dog, in the hope that at her death you will be liberally rewaraed : 
and discovering, after all, that she bias lived on an annuity, and died 
very nearly nenoniless. 

Putting on and putting off a caU upon your coal-merchant, in the 
vain and feeble hope of prices coming down ; and findii^, in the 
end, that the greatest rise has happened exactiy on the day^ when 
you are burning your last scuttief of, and are compelled to give an 
order. 

Hurrying home to dinner with a splendidly fine appetite, which 
you cannot avoid hoping will be worthily appeased ; and, alas I dis^ 
covering that the piece ae resistance is cold mutton. 1 , 

Hailing a passing Hansom in the hope to catch your train, for 
which you are already kte, and finding that the horse is an incorri- 
gible jibber. 



VOL. LXIV. 



96 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Mabgh 8, 187a. 




PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLiAMCNn 

/ 4AF n hmt maij wk tlMiv Lovdddps, this 

MmdaUf February 24.^Th0 DuxB (» Sokbb- 
8K had to oomptioiL that tomethiiic or other 
waa '* yerv incoii:f«iiia&t,'* hut amok ft aenti- 
ment had been haaid froiii Hia QnM «noe or 
twice before, and ^ao dJaonaaittii mom upon 
the matter." 

Into the Honae oi Commona, Mr, Punch is 
happy- to aay, cama hia Friend^ M&. John 
BBI0HT. He lookad rerj well* and took his 
old aaaft at the aofoer of t^ aeo(ad bench 
below the eanffwvr. Bjr the way^ ia that 
moat nseliil Dook, Debrei^$ Ilkatratsd Some 
of Commofu. whtfaiii not onli^ ia all Ino- 
Srai^cal and politiaal in£oniiatiflii touching 
our CoUaodye Wiadmn, but a2ao ita haraldry, 
tha (dueld of the Kraar Hoir. Johv B&ight 
ia a blank. But Ivhj no derioa P Doth he 
not reoogniae soak % thing aa a diiald P It 
maana but a defence, which ia pannitted to 
all of ua» At laaat let hiai haya One Ash 
blazonad thereoxv and for hia motto^ 

{Ihniut and Ormida.) 

ICb. C&ichisteb FoBaxscFB said Aat it 
would be prematura to say that GoTwnment 
would not luring in a Bill establiahing the use 
of lietria Wat^Kta and Measurea» ▲ neatly 
guarded aaswsr» of tha dd Peal pattam. But 
Jawfthmg a aaw syatem, Madam P When it 
ia aa mwi aa ona oaa do now, with tiM aid of 
ftngers, to veokoa how miay pannrwei^hts go 
to a srrain (or is it tha oihar way r) it is cruel 
to taUc of our laaming mora tablaa. Some- 
tiling shocking will occur ii too many prob- 
lems are set us. Do you raoMmber the school- 
maater who hanged himaalf beoansa he could 
not fii^d out why the Q^eek Zeu$ makes Dios 
in the genitive case P 
Ask^ by See J. Blphhtbioitv about the 
Afghan boundary, Mb. GLADsroins said that we oould not get in Central Asia that definiteness of territorial limitation (good dictionary 
^ords, M*m) whien might be expected in ciTiUsed countries. We should have thought that it was easiest to map oat a country where 
there are no oldest inhabitants to bother with their infinn reminiscences of beating ttie bounds. Mr. Glaj)8T0N8 also said that it had 
been urged that Abbaham's erecting an altar showed that he had landed property where it atood» May be ao. We dare aay tiiat ft good 
many worse people than AuRiwAiy would be too happy to erect altars if they proyed ownership in land. 

CoLONBL Babitblot moYcd that, in the opinion of the House, the semoe of regiments ii^ India ought to be shortened. Be waa 
entirely wrong; Service in India is very popular with the British soldier, and when he comes home he often wishes that he had remained 
among the souls made of fixe and ohUdren oi the sun. 

Mb. Bbight liBtened up to this point, but then had enough of it. Ahiit^ erumpit^ After some more talk on the subject, the Motion 
was withdrawn, and 

Mb. Cabdwbll presented the Army Estimates. We save £408.000 this year, and last year we saved £1,072,000. But in the preaent 
year we should h&ve saved £400,000 more, but for the abominably high prices of everything. However, that is a trifle when we look at 
the total amount. Madam, Mb. Cabdwbll wanta Thirteen Millions and a Quarter. But then see. For that sum he provides you with a 
noble Army of 125,004 men (there go the odd four past Mr. Punches window as he writee— very fine fellows, and the nursery-maida wheel 
the perambulators into the mud-hoaps while regaroing the gallant defenders of our hearths and the rest of our premises), and he oould 
give you 462,754. 

Desertion, like the personage abolished by Lobd Wsstbtjbt, is not so black as painted. We are not pushing recruiting hotly, as we 
have alreadv all the men we ask for. zThe soldiers looked splendidly at the Autumn Manoeuvrea, which, by the way, are this year to be 
held in the hoarded-in space in Leicester Square— a secret Punch was asked to keep, but can keep no longer* 
Mbs. Malapbop's fnends, the Malicious, are 129,000 strong, and mostly ugly. But Hsten. 
Hiere has been a considerahle falling ojf in the numbers of the Volunteers, 

This is a matter demanding a serious word, and though our excellent and amiable Dndd found consolation in the fact that tiiose who 
remain in the Yolunteer ranks are more " efficient" than before, that is not enough. The fact is that the Volunteers have never been 
properly taken in hand by the State^ and it will be neceasary to speak out upon the subject. The mass of the Yoluuteers do not want to 
rlay at Soldiers, but to beoome soldiers with whom an enemy would find an encounter no play. 

Punch is exeeedinfdy dissatisfied that there is no ^certainty of a Yolunteer Review this year, and he may have a crow to pluek with 
somepeople who orow in a fashion that ofTends him. 

To conclude the story of the Estimates. Thwe is to be some manipulation in the mode of paying the Soldier. He has at present Is. 2d. 
a day, and a Id. for beer when at home stationsb But from this 4ic{. is taken away for rations. Mb. Oabdwell says that he shall have 
a dear Shilling. This sounded well, and the Committee cheered; but there's a sequel at the heels in the shape of a deduction for 
groceries, and on another night it was explained that the Soldier's gain would be a Halfpenny, and, in some cases, a Farthing. This 
does not seem a result calling on the nation or the Soldiers for any monstrous burst of grateful enthusiasm. 

Lastly, there ia to be a sort of Chief of the Staff, or Head of me Military Intelligence Department. He is to be attached to the Dim 
OF Cambbldos, which does not mean that he is to love H.R.H. (though most of his friends do), or that he is to be tied with strinn 
to the CoMMAKBXft^iK-CHiEF. But he is to be hia confidant and counsellor, and to be able to tell H.R.H. anything, at a aeoond^a 
notice, from the reason why an elephant in an Indian baggage-train has a cold in his trunk, down to the reason why Private Foot won - 
BLEB of the 316 th haa thrown ov«r the blue-eyed oock at No. 17, Alphonso Yillas, Singin's Wood, N.W. He is to have military om- 
niscience, in fact. Which it is eaij to enact, but where is the wonderful man P Mr. Punch could get up the whole subject in a week, 

of course, but he haa other duties. n«w. ^. j^^ t 

** There is do one beside him and no one above him, r^ r^ r^l r> 

He standeth alDne, as the nightingale ainga." 

Sib John Paeington complimented Mb. Cabdwell, but politely hoped that he would not object to Discerning Criticism on his plans. 



Maboh 8, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



97 



Shrove Tuesday.— Ag9ia the Lords took thmp ea^y, bat in the 
first place they had no ohanoe of takings them hard, and m the next 
Punch umild eondone almost anything they could do, in oonaidera^ 
tion of what they did do foHy-eight ho-pra later* 

LoBD 'ELAMSurvtov told the Commonfl that Mmistars did not me^n 
to proseonte any mere of the priestly ot other odend^ra whom Mr. 
Justice Xsoaie reeommeiided to the attention ojf a jury* So that 
faroe is played oat. Soeh a terminatieti mi^ht hare been fareseen. 
Trial hf Jwy does not aut the Irish aatiire, and the beat way t^ try 
TriihwiflB ehfurfed witli aaythiBir at all connected with their religion, 
will he U^fkaiigeih&ymm to Ike Central Crimind Court. Ther« 
they will im many eaaea be aoovittod, no douM, but it will be for a 
reason which eaa be aooepted oy ratioMal Men< 

Ms. Olabsiove movsBff ib«t tbie Bmusic Bhonld not meet tiU two 
next day, Asb-Wednesday, 

Mb. Petee T^Yioft cot mp^ aad objected to deLayin^ hniineii 
heoanse a poitiMt of the Moose wished to it> to Church. This €tninent 
Christisn thML deoentiy knaoketbed Ibat wish with the djEssire hft 
adjonniaent on. tbe Derby Day, wbidi he thouii^bt equally nnreason* 
able. It was tbe Idad of tfaiar to be expe^^t^d from tbe ^^entimesital 
gentlenan wbo Unba onrsr beUewiB^ ^amtters. The reporte^^ eay 
he raised ironkal eheen from aU parts of the Hooae. Bat *' irony " 
to Mr. Pstee Tati/>e ! There wws 222 who chose to show respect 
to religion against ^ wbo foUowad Psxfk into the lobby. 

We then had a debate as to tbempriety of caliiuK ParliamstitB 
togetber for aa early session in Nofvmber. Good Jupiter I ifn^t 
there talk enoogb already ? Howefer, the idea wa^ soauted. 

Mb. Sbblt raised an AdminHj^ ml^te, and said wise tlusin, 
whieh it was Me. CkiflCHBxr's bvsnssss to prove were unwiecv He 
did net ezaotiy soooeed in this, b«t be got a majority of 114 to 13, 
BO the First Lord went off nnder a salute of 101 gons^ 

A$h ITg^fweadby.— We went to GbnrcL We thrnr m% by ISl to 
48 a Sooteh Boor Law KU, a3id then we peaoef nlly retirea to ma 
home to eat salt fish with efg-sauoe,— Pstee Tatloe not having 
prohibited tius. 

7^rffday«— Tbe Peers jsf England did their duty. They mxiBctered 
in full foroe, at tbe call ot Lobd SiAimBrRT, to exeout^ stmteiioe qpon 
that BiU for Disfigiiring tbe Tbaasea at Hampt<>n Oonrt. 

^* Bhtxp was thebkde, and ame the blow, 
And short tbe ftaag to ui4cif o/' 

LoED Fitz«Waltxb— be was fint BncwK Briikses— movc^d the 
Seoond Eeadinff, and begged the Lorda to kt tbe Bill go to a Com- 
mittee ;— the plan was not nearly so bad as had b^n satd^ aiid then 
the poor Company was honnd to find wat«r for a lot of parishes, and 
—here was a gooa Mt of Philistinisn — the plan did not a^ect llesi- 
dential Property. 

Up rose LoBD SiXiSBTTBY, and, to do him justice, he had a 
desperato struggle with himself to avoid being too uneiYilf aft^r inch 
an opening speeoh. Bnt jnstioe and instinct were Xjoq strong for 
him, and he soon began to lay on nobly. Mr, Funch^ standing by 
the Throne, oheered him witbont tbe slightest regard to plaoe or 
propriety, and has rewarded him with a Cartoon which will be his 
glory till he gets the Gartor^perfaape afterw&rda. His Lordship 
demanded the rejeotion of the Bill. 

LoBD GBAimLLS did not please m. He eoxdd not form an 
opinion,— people oontradioted one another,— wouldn^t it be better to 
let a Committee deoide f 

The Mabciitis of Hbbtfobi), on belhalf of the thouaanda who 
resort to Hampton Court, TOted for r^c^ction. So did 

LoBD MiDLETOE, who, moreoTsr, said he had no reason to feel 
oonfidence in the Company's professions. 

£abl Obey, of oonzse, was ai^dnst the view taken by non- 
crotobetty men, and depreeated exoitesif^nt* 

The Dttee of Richicoei) utterly oondemned the Bill. 

LoBD Bedesdalb would not vote. 

LoBD Gbaitville asked Lobd Fuz-Walteb whether he would 
nndertake that the Company would leave the bank and treea intact, 
and the latter Lord promised this, whereon 

Lobd Salisbubt. having cut down hh enemy with his aword, 
stuok the dagger of mercy into bis ey^ by ob^erritijo: that before a 
Committee there would be nobody to force the Company to keep its 
word, and then a division was taken, and 

The Disfigurement Bill was thrown out by TO to 29. Punch 
wonders whether the Park patriots will have one decent word to say 
about this aot on the part of tbe bullying aristocrats and bloatod 
bishops, wbo exist only to o^^reu tbe *' Bona of Toil/' 

The Commons made a night of it, chieflf on the Kitimates, Mn. 
FowLEB wishing to rnduoe oor Army by Viom men. But a very 
important Bill tor oonstitutinip a Coimcil of Three, with power to 
superintend the Railway system, and compel the Campaniea to do 
their di^ by tbe public ana eadi otiier, was actually read a Seoond 
Time. Tbe news is rood and yet true. Will not the Eailway men 
wake up yet, and fight for tbenr tyrannies ? Why» under this Bill, 
the Tbiee might exclude tbe Junemant Vans from the principal 
streete during the hours when eivmsed men and women want them I 



IVidfiy.— yin* Macfie made a speech about our relations with the 
Colonies, and humanely out it short on hearinj^ tlie imploring cries 
of the aMicted Members* Such laments wunid have drawn 
" Iron teari down Fiato"i ^e^k/' 

Lori> BimY said that the Colonial S[>ctety had not accredited 
Mb, Macfjzb as tbeir representative. His Motion was withdrawn. 

Then we nearly got into a muddle^ for Sie Jobst FAXOreTOir and 
Mb. Cabi^well were t^ have it out upon the EsdmatoBi and neither 
was present. The attendance of other Membera wM Viry small. 
But the mii^sing leaden came inland we got to work at kML aad alter 
a queer sp^i^h from Sm W, Law so if, who urged thte wiAsiaSM of 
inventing machinea to kill onr fellow-orea^ire^ and bow nioe it 
would be in Mil Gi.ai>^toiib to be the Apostle of Disar—snant, we 



f^jectedf by 158 to 4i, Ms. Fowxeel^s propswai to weaken Mor Anay, 
and we voted a i^ood deal of manof for military pnrpOMa. 

' ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ number of otiisr Oatbolic 



Be it added that Da. CtJi 
hieraruha in Ireland h&Te deoiand W^f on the Iriih Bdiuatinn BiU. 
Thia seems the be^ posiibk reason wity a Brttl&h FarliaaMnt sbonld 
pa«iit, Laudari laudaih nukf be reversed with si gwft sa no ^, |»ro 




GOOD TIMES FOR DUNCES. 

^^UvrnsniTT 
▲or(IalLA]fD) 
187S. — * No 
disonaKftnstion 
dudl a«taoh to 
any candidate 
in say eaami- 
aalion by rea- 
SMi of his 
adopting in 
modem biitory 
.... or any 
•tber b n a wh of 
learning, any 
particalar the- 
ory in prefer- 
ence to any 
ether reoeiTed 
th«jry.'" 

An amus- 
ing incident 
occurred yes- 
terday at the 
Examination 
for the B.A. 
deg^ of the 
XJniFersity of 
Dublin: 

Present— Me Board ttf Exammen^ and Kk. O'Tohkoddt. 

PreAtdt'ta tif Rrimnners (IWnfUsffy), We re^t to inform you, Mb. 
O'ToaoronnT, that we are unanimontly ot opinion that we must 
refuse you your ieatamur. or (to use the vernacular which, to judge 
from your XJaTserSj you only understand) must iduck you. 

(yihmnodd^ (pfditely). Am 1 to nnderstand, Sir, luiat My exami- 
nation is such as to disqualiff/ me for a degree ? 

Presfihnt «/ E^ammers (angrilp). Certainly, Sir : and, if I must 
use still plainer language, I may toil yon that your reoent perform- 
ance is a disirrace to yourself, and an insult to the University. 

O^ TumfUiddt/ {with increating poUtenesji). Might 1 a^L for speci- 
mens from tbe papers which have incurred such opprobrium. 

President vf Exaimner^, You may» Sir^ thoug-h it ii notour usual 
practice to furnish them. I find that you transJate CtMor transivit 
Alpe^ mmmd diligenUd by " Cksar erossed the Alps on the top of a 
diligence ; " that you state that '' HAOAn was an Ishmaelite indeed, 
in whom there wat no fruile ; " in astronomy yon assert that " the 
earth is a square plane round whieh the heavenly bodies revolve ; " 
and that in modem bist-ory yon say that ** JoEK HiMPDEir was the 
architect of Harapdeu Canrt Palace '* 

(7 Tomttotidi/ {ritin^ iaidignantl)/). And it is for this tbat I am 
plucked F Allow me to toU you, Oentlemen, tiiat these my theories 
have been held by wiser men than you or I ; and aHow me to remind 
yon that the Act to which you owe your eiiatei^oa %i Examiners 
provides in my defence that nt? dio^ualili cation shall attach to me 
for adopting any pariietdttr tknory in prefepeTice to any other 
received theory. By plucking me, Gentlemen, yon haw violated an 
Act (if Partiammt .' by eucsh violation you are R-nilty of a misde- 
mmmmr^ and it is the duty of the AxToajrEY-GKNuaAi, to ptoseouto 
you {HAECOunr, C» j*» in Of/^«r v. A^ri^n) \ and I, for my part, 
will take oare that be fulfils his duty. 

{The Bmminer^ trwbU ; i«i^j#tipedljf* O'ToMKODDT Aw 
degree, artd appcrmt him io4iMummMp under Ciauee 24 of 
thit Aet. 




iE$THETIO WITH A VEKOEANCE. 

Tom. " I alt, Old Man, now tou 've oof that stunnino House of toubs, you ought to be Lookinq out for a Wife ! •* 

Rodolphus. '' Quite so. I was Think rNo of one of those Miss Gibsons, don't you know *' 

Tarn, ** Ah I Let me Recommend the Tall one, Old Man. She 'll make the best Wife in the World t ** 

Rodolphm. *' Quite so. But the Short One seems to Harmonise better with the kind of Fitbkiturm I go in vjR^BimL 

A.VD MARQUBTMRIM, DON't YOU KNOW." 



TO THE NYMPHS OF THAMES. 

{In Memory of the Chelsea Water- Works BxU^ for embanking the 
Thames opposite Mampton Courts thrown out in the House of 
Lords^ Thursday^ Fsbruary 27.) 

Naiads of Tliames, that in May's moonlit eyes 

Sport swanlike with the swans in rushy bowers, 
Or under flickering yeii of willow-leaves 

Laye'^bar white limbs in sleepy snauner hours, 
Reioioe, that still you may behold the towers 

Of Wolset's flower-girt pile, reflected fair 
In Thames* glass, set in a green margent, bare 

Of their Yue load, that sought usurping powers 
To chain jour stream, and ohp its reaches rare 

With rigid roods of brick-work straight and square ! 

Still shall yon minister the pure delight 

Of blossomed bank, lush meadow, devious stream, 
To weaij wayfarer and toil-worn wight, 

Who xdr long months beholds not, save in dream, 
Nature's fair face, athwart the smoke and steam 

Of the choked City : still shall your glad eyes 
Watch happy lovers, changing smiles and sighs. 

In tune with the broad rivers gloom and gleam, 
And all jov that exults, or restful lies, 

Where Thames clear reaches mirror dearer skies. 

He thought to drive you from your rushy nooks. 
Trusted in your green haunts to make his hold. 

The Hydra— that with hundred heads and hooks, 
Boasts strength to crush with ever-widening told : 

Ever he craves for prey ; and, ^wn more bold, 
The more men cower before his open jaws, 



Takes his usurping appetites for laws ; 

And ramping ever more and more for gold, 
Deems not that Nymphs of Thames can give him pause, 

And find a Hercules to assert their cause. 

Bat lo ! Thames' Nymphs their Hercules have found, 

To grapple with the Hvdra— in despite 
Of maws that hiss, and claws that clutch the ground— 

And bear him to the ground in f oughten flgnt ! 
Beaten and hreathless, fain the dust to bite, 

Shorn of his strength, and baffled of his aims. 
Crashed all his heads, ms strengths all turned to shames, 

He lies, a thing to mock, not to affright. 
While all the host that haunts and loves the Thames, 

Its gratitude to Hercules proclaims. 



SHAESPEARE ON THE STRIKE. 

Our friend, W. 8., who has a word in season far everybody, says, 
in Lovers Labour *s Lost : — 

<( Are ColUeri counted Bright ? " 

Making this a question, we propose to let him make answer unto 
himself. Jadgiog hy their present suicidal course, Punch would 
say, from the same play :^- 

«< I dare not call them Fools, bat this I think, 
Wben they are thirsty, Fools would fiun fasTS drink." 

And, by the way, they are generally thirstv, but, according to ac- 
counts, despising the poor creature. Small Beer, thev quench their 
thirst in draughts of what they are pleased to call " fizz," but what 
is known in civilised society as Champsgne. Well, set certain people 
on horseback, and we know the end of their ride. 






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ILutOH 8, 1873.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEL 



101 







OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

AuisU at the first representation of " Man and Wife^ and 
addresses the EdUor as ueuaL 

BJSSSHT was I at 
fhe premiere of 
Man and Wife 
at the Prinoe of 
Wales's. To say 
this, is to sav 
that Mb. and 
Mb8.Baivcbopt» 
with their g^ene- 
rally exoellent 
company, play>- 
ed a pieoe whioh 
Me. Wilkib 
GoLLorB had 
dramafa'aedfioin 
his esRL norelt 
or whioh he 
had yreyjons^ 

hu own s d b o i 
Quendly - 9M>- 
dneed dxaiui; 
and ta msf aa 
this is «pixv»* 
UnttoamMfiin*- 

anoe at a ranse 
qI WaiBs's Sq0- 



Bot this is a 
qieoialoeesflion, 
when, as representing Yon, Sir, "I am nothing, if not oritioal." 

I will, therefore, eommenoe by mentioning a fisetiand then dis- 
missing it, in order to prooeid with my analysis. This f aet, then, 
iiL that the sncoess of man and Wife is mainly due to the ingennity 
displayed by the anther in snstdniBg the interest in the latter part 
of ue Fonrth Act, and to the acting of Mb. Coghlah, whose oonsum- 
mate art was shown in his masterly impersonation of a eharaoter 
which is, perhaps, withont exception, the most bmtal and nns^m- 
pathetio eyer>seen on the English Stage. logo is a fool to mm: 
besides lago is witty, and sings a song. As it is possible to love the 
sinner and hate the sin, so can one render the heartiest tribute of 
applanse to the actor, while execrating the villain whom he has 
been ponrtraying^ an^ the stronger the audience's detestation of 
the character exhibited, the greater mnst be tiie artisf s merit. 

Of.^the rest of the company I will speak presently. X wish to 
oonsider the pieee* 

In ordM", theDv to pronounce impastialbr npoa it» merits it will be 
neeessary te difest the play of the aoeidenta of its prodnetioiu I 
most be allowed to eliminate from the whole expression such giMai- 
tities as are represented by the names of Mb. and Mbs. BAircouxFT, 
Mns FooTE, Mb. CofiBiAif , Mb. Habx, and all tiie Boyal Prinoe of 
Wales's family party ; and, with them, mnit flo the prestige of the 
Theatre, and, as sapeiadded to all this, the weU-dessnred popidarit 
d Mb. Wilkjb CaLLms, and the pr«?ioiQS repixtatum of tb nori 
of Mam and Wife. 

What remainaP *Th6 play: and for it a dear slage and no 

I suppose myself one of an ordinary andienoa ptesenfron the first 
night ef anew DramfL called JUfafiOfM^ FV«« wntten by Mb. Nemo 
for perloimanee at the Boyal No-Name Theatre by a company of 
comedians unknown to fame, but equal in ability to those ol the 
Prinoe oflWales's, and playing as the^ played on the first reprssen- 
tation of Ma. Collxh8M» i^y. This entire hypothesis granted, I 
orttieise the dnmia in questioiu 

The plot, then, of thjs play is weak ; the majority of the dramatis 
person€e uninteresting, and, on calm consideration, actnaUy unne- 
cessary. The story can be told in a lew lines, which I will suppose 
spoken by Anne Silvester .-— * 

Anne (log). Gxoffbbt wrote me a letter promising marriage, and 
sent it by Abi^old, who, when he brourht it to me at the Hootch 
Inn, called me his wife. Geoffbbt tried to make out that therefore 
I was Abitold's wife ; but I showed his letter to a Scotch Lawyer, 
who decided I was not. That is alL 

This is the Mim of the plot, whioh emj^ys Arnold^ Geoffrey^ 
Amm^ and a Scotch Lawyer. The piece could be played in two 
soenes. Scene 1st. Eoom in a Scotch Inn. Seene 2. OflBoe of a 
Scotch Lawyer. Other scenes and persons are supcarfinous* How- 
eyw. I will take them all in some sort of order. 

These, personages, then, whom it would be an error to style cha- 



racters (one only being at all worthy of the distinction), are either 
so neutrally tinted as to be almost colourless, or so obtrnsiyely glar- 
ing as to present the effect of inartistic exaggeration. 
To begin with the ** Spindle Side." Ladsf Lundie is a nonentity : 

Where ahe goes, or how she fsres. 
Nobody knows and nobody oares^ 

Bkmeihe Ltmdie is ancthar nenentity: and, not to separate the 
loyet8» so is her future husband, Mr. Arnold Brinkworih. They 
are a pair of very ordinary young people, in whose marriage one 
feels about as much interest as in the uMamate fate of a couple of 
owAree ekinoises on a ]^iece of strained calico^ with a light behind. 
But^ if « the audience be mdiffereni to the hapjnness of these shadowy 
hetrothed^ones, then the play has already tailed in more than half 
its object ; for these two are the virtuous heroine and hero, whose 
pvosperi^ is endangered by the machinations of the villain. 

Anne Silvester is a painxm instance of a young lady whose gener- 
ally excellent practice has net, in one trifling uartioular, been 
exastiy^uptothe high lev^ of her raierally excdlent principles. 
She is reoMrseful, but not penitent. She is sorry on aooount ox the 
inooBfeniinl consequences ; and it is difficult to suppose that she 
would have hftd a moment's an^dety but im tlmM ocnsequsBoes, as, 
on no oceasioiw does one expression of contritioa eeeape her. On the 
eoBtraxy^ apart from her sulky and difiagreeable manner with her 
fHsnds^ she Ktails herself of the earliest oppartonityaflbrded by the 
play, isr bullying into, marriage with her the man for whom, but a 
iSwt time since, she mnst (in order to have any excnse at aU for her 
oonduflt} have experienced ^ pasaion whioh waiL it is to be charitably 
the madness of infatuation. When he morosely hesitates, 
shifthnnfn him to the point by threatening to drown herself. This 
has the desired effect on Qeoffrey Belamayn^ who is not, it seems, 
bad past Ibope of redemption. As this young man is not only very 
Toui^Kloc ne is still at College, and talks about rowing m the 
univenibr eight) but also the son of a nobleman^ and, as Anne 
Sili9ester u a pennilees nobody, I cannot help thinking that a jurv. 
composed of Society's Matrons and elderly Men of the World, would 
pronounee Miss Anne Silvester a dedgniag adventuress, and an artful 
nnsnr > ha. whioh opinion they would be confirmed, could they notice 
her Dcaiinsr and overhear her words in this interview with the en- 
trapped audete, Oeojfrey Delamayn. Her temper is, in its way, 
eqiuil to QeojfSre^s. atid when bullying is ineffective, she can cringe, 
wnine, and wheedle, in order to gain her purpose. This young 
person has forfeited all claim to respect, ana excites contempt for 
£er selfishness and cowardice, rather than pity for her unfortunate 
condition. On mv word, I would as soon weep over Beckv Sharp's 
hunmiations, as drop a single tear over the woes of Miss Anne 
Silvester. 

Geoffrey ia a sort of ill-conditioned, bad-mannered Bawdon 
^CrauHef/t or a superior sort of Tony Lumpkin, without those good- 
hearted qualities that made Mrs. HardeastU^s scm a chuckle-headed 
fool, and the absence of which makes Mr. Ge<iffrey a loutish scoun- 
drel to his fiiend ^mo^, and an awkward liiur to the woman who 
had been satisfied to trust his word. That nothing oan be asid in 
Geoffrey's praise, is not much to Anne Silvester's credit* Other- 
wise, I suppose Geoffrey to have been an honourable man in his own 
sporting cirele,^ and to have been valued by friendsof hisown kidney 
at the Universi^ ; and there is not a hint to thammtrary. Can an 
audience f e^ any interest in such a couple as this P It might, were 
these two plaoed in more thrillingly sensational situaiaons than are 
to be found in this play ol Man and Wife. If compassion is to be 
aroused for anyone, it must be for the unhappy Geoffrey, who is 
subjeet to paralytic attadu, and who bears intense pain» in the Third 
Ae^ wdih the pluck of a Spartan warrior, and the calmness of a 
Stoui. Besides, he has savea Arnold Brinhutorth firam drowning, 
for which humane act the audience» at least, has small cause for 
gratitude But if there be no interest for this hero and heroine^ 
and it was shown that tihere was no interest in the other hero and 
heroine, and on the fate <^ tiiese four the whole interest necessarily 
depends, in what personar es or in what portion of the play is there 
any interest whatever P If you do not care a stmiw zor the four 
persons already mentioned, you cannot care for the issue ol th«r 
misty diffieultier— that is, you cannot care ibr the play. 

To go on witli the dramatis persona^ Sir Fatrich Lundie is a 
pretentious nonentity. He flays wise things, and acts foolishly. He 
talks vaguely about '^' fighting a case," when he simply has not ^ 
a case to fi^t ; and aiW this bravado, he contents himsdf with 
asking a few unimportant questions, lesding to nothinff| and then 
yields, without a blow, when told that he is acting illegally, and; in 
point of fact, wasting evervbody^s time for his own amusement in 
his own picture-gallery. His conduct helps to q;iin out the Aotr— 
thatisalL 

Biehoprigge, the Scotch waiter, has a great deal too muoh to say 
for what he has to d»: and Mr. Speedwell, the Doctor, has a great 
deal too mndh to do for what he nas got to sav. So gloomy and 
fiajMrwi™** a physician as 3ir. Speedwell would lose, in two visits, 
whatever smaU practice chance mi^t have previously thrown in his 



IM 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[ICabct 8. 1873. 




INCIDENT OF AN ICE DAY. 

Lad^. " Gono awat To-Hobbow, Mb. Maithers ! 0, but I cahhot possiblt do without tou at mr Skatiho Pabtt f Tou 

ABB THX 09LT DtBBVOAGED MaX OK XT LiST t " 

Mr. M. ** EXACTLT, MT DBAB MaDAM. ThB FbOST HAS BBEK TOO HUGH FOB 80 XAKT FbLLOWS DOWN HBBl^ THAT I POSiriTBLT 
DABB VOT Stop ant LOVOBB^-JflGHT 6BT CaFTUBED »8BLF, TOU KKOW ! " 



wif • Were his bill for mediesl ettemleiiBe ss \aag ss his feae, no 
one would ^^entafe to eoosnli hisii twioe. Gelled soddanl j into a 
nnrsenTt ha would frighften the diildren oat of meesles into fits, and 
if ther eornfodt in mte of his attcmtions, ho wonld dwell in their 
meoMries as '' Bcwia ''^from the ooel-hole. 

Th«e was a Freoeh pieee called VAn{fe de MmuU, wherein 
ererj fneh appeanmee of VAnge was the certain death-warrant of 
some nnfortnnate person among the principals of the dramaU» per- 
umm^ far VAnge refosed poeinreljr to take the sopemnmeraries, 
who. ererj man Jack of them^ remainad hale and heartr at the end 
ol ttiis awfnl drama, and perhaps sang a SorriTon^ Finale. Mr. 
Speedwell^ ILD.^ reminded me forcihij of HAnge. A touch of 
the grim playfnlnees of the BcWa Imp woold haye gone &r to com- 
iMe his ehtfaeter ^ed tinsel being added, of coarse, to his eyelids,^ 
and what a Doctor he'd be then !), and if he had only stretched oat 
his demon arms, and exclaimed, hoarselj, ^' Ton most learn to love 
me! ^ and if, as a farther soggestion, at the end, instead of €^eof'^ 
fre^9 being left qoiTsring on a chair, a trap had opened in the 
centre of the stage, and the Demon Doctor had descended in bine 
and red flame^ talong with him this infamons paralytic, it woald 
haTC been a climax more in keemnc with the Fau$t~widr Marguerite 
sort of people repreeented by Geoffrey end Anne^ and the Mephis- 
tophelean characteristics of the dtaboucal Doeiar SpeedweiL These 
be hints. Let Mr. Namelees the Author remore it from No-name 
Theatre, transpontinise it, and reproduce it as a thrillingiy sensa- 
tional Melodrama, with fearful ghosts, terrific combats, nnpreoe- 
dented murders, and astounding explosioDs, entitled Mttn and JTife, 
or Daiamayn and the D ! ! 

Kow from the Unknown Land to tiie Prince of Wales's. 

Nothing that Mas. Bavcbofi, as Blanche Lundie^ had to say was 
lost, and she has to say some good things : not orer many. One 
of her speeches I must recalL Sir. She tells her lorer that she is 
qoite unhappy, and adds, with all that affisotionate petulsnce which 
has lightened np so many a nlay at her Theatre, *' Why don't you 
come and comfort me P''^ Her tone abides on m^ ear. and I rejoice 
to ghre it lodging there. She talks and acts in the First Act, 



appears in the Second, talks and aeli in the Third, and is behind her 
pocket-handkerchief during the Fourth. I sappoee she ^yed to 
strengthm the cast, and Mb. Bahgboft took Dr. SpeedwM for tiie 
saoM reason. Otherwiee Ms. Abchxb, who so admirably imper- 
soniuted Deadly SmootJL in Money ^ would haTS made a Tsry good 
Doctor. Mb. BAVCB0Fr% make-up was wonderfuL 

Ms. Hasb, always a fa?ourite as an elderlT aristocrat, is growing 
out of Old Men's parts. It is really time he ihould be pat into 
turn-down collars to begin with, and ihea into jackets. 

Ms. Dbwas's Scoteh dialect was, a Scotchman told inc. *' just 
perfect" I admitted its probable perfection, and was delighted at 
its certain finish. Bm accent was yerr broad, but it suited the cha- 
racter of much that he had to say. The success of the piece is the 
success of the List Act The autfaor| after a yast amount of feinting 
and dodinng, fairlf staggers the audimioe with the masterly blow ot 
Geoffrei(s paralytic strae, just ss Geoffrey vk apparently going to 
do his wife a mischief, and wtien the anuence, minof ul of the noYel« 
expect that the whole of the latter portion of the story will be con- 
centrated into one murderous action, in this last Act, to be of course 
prevented by the paralysis, and ^eriiaps by the TiUain's death, 
Geoffrey (in spite of SpesdweWM opinion) does not die, but the cur- 
tain deeooids on the hopeful picture of Choffrey turning lorin^ly, 
in his helplessness, towards his wifo, who, kneeling at his ode, 
adjures him to ** come home." Hence the audience is left to infer 
that, if he dies, he dies at peaoe with her and the world generally, 
and if he lives he will acknowledge his gratitude for her attentions 
by smiling on her fondly. 

The Library and the Fioture Gallery were two of the most perfect 
" sets " ever seen, even in tins Theatre. 

Well, perhaps, after aU, the piece will be running two years 
hence. That it will certainly draw for a time, for the very reasons 
which made me take my seat at the No-Name Establishment, and 
that what may prove a great success at the Prince of Walee's woold 
have turned out but a very indifferent affair at any other Theatre, 
are the two fixed opinions of Digitized by 

YoiTB Rkpbbssrtatitx. 



Maboh 6, ia73j 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



103 




IT'S AN ILL WIND," 

"What's the Matter I'* 
0. 



he. 



Brwm. "Hullo, Jonxb! 

IvMB (AmaUur T^nor). " 0, muuDFQL Chbonio Inflammatioh of the 
Labtnz I Lost mt Yoicb entieilt ! 

Brovm. " DsAE MS ! you don't mbak that I •• 

JOMS. " YEa-.BBBN OSLIORD TO CtfVE VP SlltailfG AJtfOQMTBEB t'' 

Brown {%nth tOaeniif), ** By Qbos«e, look hhu^ Qu> Fellow ! Gqmb and 
Dike with its to-miqht, a»d spend the Evenino." 



THE UNLUCKY L0YER8. 
{A Ballad for Belgravia.) 

Take back thj heart, nor ask me why 
Thy precious gift I thus restore : 

Believe me that 1 fain would sigh 
To think our day-dream, loye, is o*er* 

Kay, deem me not a fickle swain, 
Nor fancy, in a faithless hour 

Enslayed bv some fair rival's chain, 
I 'ye yialaed captive to her power. 

Methougkt— 'twas but an idle ruess^ 
That wk«n lealled to wtA thy hind. 

Thy pareal woold wa unioa bleaai 
Am. somflttiBff handfOBM BoUy aluid* 

Alaf! haaaysk«eaiHaibrd 
To give us ohild a angle thorn . « • 

And as I 'v6 nat one »ou, Mados Wavd» 
Can we, with prudence, manj naw t 



BLSSaBD BAD LUCK* 
Td Pof<» a few days ago, annoonoed :*^ 

«' A M QDBir PacoiM^ea.-^ deputatkm of feadalkl ▲nttrian 
dMoka, bMded bj Qouwn SoadirBomM tad Thvk, hta under- 
tskoa a pilgriiBnge to Bono to impkmn tbo Pope's bleasiDg on 
tha tpposmoi nued Vy their purty to tho Heotond Befonn BilL 
Tha Pope bsa fixed aast Thundi^ for aa iatwfiew." 

By this tiaa it would be too lata» if it were desirable, 
to caution thise pfl|rims to mind what thay are about 
Thav haira had ti^ir interview with tha Pope, and 
obtained hia blessing. Much good mav it do them! 
SiMiituaUy and pctsonallv, perhaps it wilL Butas to the 

\Mhna Bill above referred to, the authors of 

that pfopoaad measure, judging from the events which 
have uBifomly foUowea the Papal benediction in the 
politieal aad mundane sphere, will perhaps be thankful 
to His Holiness for having bestowed it on their adver- 



A GAILAET 8aa-0ffiear somati, in reference to the 
Pirate Chieftain, Emxaittjel Bagga, now a piisoner on 
the Island of Asoensloiu that he be conveyed to England, 
landed at the Yictoria Docks, pot into the Queen's Pipe, 
and consumed with the other *^ condemned 'Baoca." 



EiAL WoExnra Mjy.^Msgy CollaM has been com- 
paied with that ol St Bees. We hepe laivovahly, as at 
&a latter they tuni out all the Drenok 



. THE UNrVEESITY BILL-IMSH JOUEN ALUnC 
Fbok our ancient and amiable contemporary, the Londonderry 
Sentinel^ we cut the following exquisite agpeeimenel the uaeonscious 
WB«gOT;y^f our dear friends that dweU beside '*the BMlancholy 



Ocean; 

« Bbbatw.— In oer imie of tbo 22ad iBiteiit 



the death of 



WnjJAM Sbvehstabs, B«q. , of High Street, Qmagh. We regret to hsar that the 
annomeemmi um not correct. Me. BvyBNSTAms, who bad roMfaed a ripe 
ago, was ill at the time, and it wm ortii reported that he wm d«ad. :Aere- 



poit was reeoirod ai true, and a oonrefposdent, in hia donre to tnumnit the 
newi witboat deltj. initead of wtitiag till ho wonld heir tflnetfaiag about it 
from the iriendi of M&. Sbyinbtabs, fell into the error referred toTrhe inti- 
mation wa« not an nnmeoBlBg hoax ; it mu oimpi^ a mittake, and we may 
add that Hn. Setxnbtabs* death hoe emeo been announced m a Belfast 
paper" • 

Mr, Punch ia highly gratified to find his brethren in Lreland so 
painfully solicitous concerning the strict accuracy of their state- 
ments ; and he warmly congratulates them on having '*ripe" old 
ffenUemen like Mb* Sbvenstaes, who are ao extamely obliging 
die just in time to save the credit of an imaginative Correspo^ent. 



Metaphysice. 
(ibr th$ Kational IHek VfmoroUy in yuMus.) 

If the visible word haa no real oljectivitT, then different people 
exist only in the minda of one another ; which ia absurd. 



aUAD&UPEDS AND J^IBEDB. 

A CoMXHTO of Inquiry will soon disoovsr whetJier tkere is cr 
not any truth in the alleged scarcity of English horses. In the mean- 
while, a parallel investigation might be suggested : but it is needless. 
When we consider the ruinous striking oumia wnieh spreada from 
trade to trade like a cattle plague (only that, unfortunately, it can- 
not be stamped out) ; when we reflect upon all the rampant leaguea 
and associations with platform sponters at the head of uiem, propa- 
ffatinff enthusiasm for minding other peoj^e's business, aa it were, 
from nerd to herd : when we trv to eanmate the arithmetieal guan- 
tity of these and all the other idnds of British ^' 9ehwdrmeroi^* we 
Shan see very plainly that, be the caae what it may aa to the suffi- 
ciency or insufficiency of the number of our horses for the public 
service, there is. in relation to the peace and happiness of the com- 
munity, a most insufferable superabundance c ' 



Our Own Bmid in % New Oharaeler. 

{Private Performance of " Bmry Man in Hie Mwnonr." Aot lii. so. 5 .) 

Hight Hon, E. CardwU (fu Captain BobadU. loq.). Observe me, 
I would undertake, upon this poor head and life, for the public 
benefit of the State, ... to save the one-half, nay, three piurts of 
HxR Majiktt'b yearly charge in holding war, and against what 
enemy soever. And how would I do it, think you P 

J, Bull Uu E. KnoweUU I^fty* I know not, nor can I conceive. l\^ 
Capt,\Boh, Why thus. Sir. [Belivere hie Army Estimate; 







JZf c(0r (to his Keeper), 

Keeptr {apologetically). '* Yes, Sir. 



A PERFECT EXCUSE. 

'•'MORNINO, WOODQATE. DlDNT I SeB YOU AT ChURCH YESTERDAY ?" 



But— I FBLT I WAS A doin' Wrong all the Time, Sir I ** 



"TO TOUR 'TENTS/ ISRAELI" 

Rblxgiok haying long ainoe found it neoeasary to liave nothing to 
sav to Trade, the latter haa awakened to a senae of the duty of 
taking tender oare of Religbn. There lies hef ore us a delightful 
circular in which an eminent firm of wine-merchants proposes to 
deal with a difficulty which is supposed to exercise our clergy, 
touching the character of the wine used in church on a solemn occa- 
sion. We are apprised that there is a ** strong opinion" in favour 
of using '* unfermented " wine. This, therefore, the firm in question 
offers to supply— a *' tent" at 2Ss, and at 40«., and the chaiaoter of 
the house is nigh, and we doubt not that the liquid is all that it 
professes to be. But— what nexl^ and next ? The text is not one 
for our handling Tery freely, and we should prefer to leave it to 
some large-minded Broad Church parson. Only, we should like to 
ask the persons who hold the '* s^ng opinion " asserted to exist, 
whether they suppose that the wine used when the original cere- 
monial—we purposely avoid doser contact with serious matters- 
was instituted was *^ unfermented," and whether they think that 
the wine so often alluded in the Book now under reviuon in the 
Jerusalem Chamber was non-intoxicating, and if so, why were 
'* old bottles" likely to burst, and why in the Book are good men 
perpetually warned against " excess." We fancy too that we have 
heard something about ** wine that maketh glad the heart of man," 
and that the rational use thereof is by no means diBOouraged by the 
highest authority. But we live and leam, and only wish that what 
we leam conduced to wiser liying. 



Bedintegratio Amoris. 

The objection to the new Married Women's Property Bill, that it 
will substitute litigation for loye between man and wife, answers 
itself. That measure, if passed, will renew tiie terms on which the 
married were related in oourtship preceding marriage. Engaged 
under its proyisions in Nisi Prius and County Courtship, wedded 
partners wul again become suitors and sued. 



ASPIRATIONS. 

I WISH I were a Pauper, supported by the State, 
Subsisting on the taxes, and not the parish rate ; 
An able-bodied Pauper, that had no work to do. 
Out-door relief reoeiying ; enjoying in-door too. 

that I had a Pension, enough for my support, 

A suite of roomj besides in the Palace, Hampton Court. 

1 then should lead a life from both care and enyy free. 
Till Death snuffed out life's candle, and put an end to me. 

I wish I were a Parson, to preach without reply. 
From boobies who, unthinking, at table-talkers fly. 
Not waitiuff till a sentence is brought unto an end^ 
Its last hfdl hearers needing its first to comprehend. 

I wish I were a Parson, to speak my candid mind 
And point out things to people to which they 'd fain be blind. 
With neither groans nor hisses my true remarks to drown ; 
And nobody attempting to cough or laugh me down* 



Official Facts. 



WHiT are the duties of *' The Auditor-GFeneral P '' 
To listen to every thing and everybody. In this capacity he is 
never able to hear any good of himself. In his diet ne is unre- 
stricted, exoept that he must live chiefly upon sound. He generally 
liyes to a good old age, and dies full of ears. 



TO ALL COSSESFOVDEHTS. t 

Volunteered Contributions Punch never returns : 
In summer he tears them, in winter he bums. 



rvlAtwl by /OMpb SBifh. of No. M. Holfoid Sqwuv.la tko Pmrlth of St. S^mm, a«rkmir«U, la tHe OimatT of Muldlf mk, at tho PrlMtliMr OAom oI XMm. Br»dlravy. M«ew, aOo., UM 
Stroot. la the Proolaot of ?rutefiri«n, la tao dtj of Loadoa. aad FaMltfeed bj bua, at Ho. 81, Fieot Btroot. la U« Panah of St. Brlte, Otty of L jadoa.— ii.Tvao4T, ICiroh 8, UTt, 



March 15, 1873.1 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



105 




THE RETUM OF SPRING! 

How late the Snowdrop came this year ! 

Till March, in part, had paaaed. 
The Groona waited to appear ; 

It feared the Polar buist. 

Chilled were the small birds* tuneful throats ; 

So they delayed to sing. 
We, missing their accustomed notes. 

Marked not approaching Spring. 

The morning San, at last, one day, 

Broke out and shone awhile ; 
And did, with momentary ray, 

Upon a Journal smile. 

A sudden gleam of gladness bright 

Lit up a column's head, 
Its title bathing in the light 

On ** Spring Assizes" uied. 

The gay announcement through the breast 

Dinosed a sudden cheer, 
Because it all at once expressed 

The fact that Spring was here. 



" CIRCUMLOCUTORY ! '» 

PolUe (Jotter {neing Smoke ismUmg firom Brawn's ooai-paehOi. **Tou 'll bxousi 

Sn ADDRBSSIN* O* YOTT, SlR,— COMMOK MaJT IN ▲ 1CAK19SB O' SpBAKIN'^OXN'LB- 
MAN LIKE TOir, SiB— BBaOIN* PaBDOH FOB TAKIN' THB LiBSBTT, WHICH 1 SHOULD 
NBVXB A' THOUGHT 0* DOIN* UNDBB OBDINABT SUCOUHSTANCES, SiB, ON'Y TOU 
didn't SXBM TO BE AWABB ON IT, BUT IT StBUCK ME AS I SEE TOU A GoIN' 
ALONG, AS TOU WEBE A-FIRE, Sntl" 

[By IhiM time Brawt^e right coat~ta£l was enJtiirely eonsumed. Bis fitzees 
had ignited byprinate arrangement among themselves. 



Veterinary Votioii. 

It seems that an outbreak of a disease amount horses, 
called the American Horse Epidemic, is apDrehended in 
Prussia. In the Chamber of Deputies, at Berlin, Herb 
DoNALiE, the other day, inquired what would be done 
in that eyent ? In replying, the Mimster of Agriculture 
described the horse-disease named American as a species 
of influenza affecting the noble animal. What to do with 
it Goyernment would take time to consider. Considering 
the reputation of a certain herb for efficacy in coughs, 
together with the fact that the Hone Epidemic is an 
Influenza amongst horses, the Prussian Gorernment, and 
indeed out own if need be> may be advised to try 
Coltsfoot 

Tiring up. 

With ooals at forty shiUings a ton, some warmth of 
expresaian on the part of heads of families may be f or- 
giyeiL BuiCBLB Mathb (who ncTer fomts his iayourite 
Handel}, when he repleoishes the grate| contents him- 
self with adapting the words of one of the principal 
oharaoters in Aeis and Oalatea, B&ying, **I bum, I rage." 



THB GREAT UNDERPAID. 

Among those who, not included among the* Strikiiijg Claeisi, haye 
the most reason to strike, may be mentioned the London Stipendiary 
Magistrates. The Hon. G. C. NoBiONt who for many years adorned 
a Metrojpolitan Police Court, has demonstrated this truth in a letter 
to the Times, on behalf of his sometime colleagues. The present 
salaries were fixed thirty-flye years ago by assessors of whom though 
Btr Robset Peel was one, Joseph Hume was another. Their 
Worships, tiierefore, may be supposed not to haye got too much 
when the]^ were awarded £1200 a-year. ^ This sum lus, oyer sinoe 
the imposition of the Income-tax, remained minus that amount of 
confiscation which salaried public senrants are among the priyileged 
classes who haye the honour to suffer. In the meanwhile, prices 
haye risen to about double what they were, through the increasing 
prosperity of this great country and the progressiye eleyation of the 
Striking Classes. 

In return for a stipend originally out down to low fisrures, and 
sinoe then practically yery much reduoed, the London Magistrates 
keep our Capital quiet fw us at an expense not exceeding altogetiier 
£20,000. They perform, each in himself, the functions of a judge 
and jury in minor criminal oases. Byery one of them is, in a 
measure, a personal Nisi Prius Court to tiie lower orders ; a Cadi to 
the Cads ; and he works hard eyeir day except Sundays. Whilst 
their incomes, both absolutely and relatiyely, haye beoi greatiy 
diminished in the course of years, their woriL has been enormously in- 
oreased by the numerous Acts of Parliament which haye meanwhile 
created so many new offences, to the great and glorious increment of 
British Liberty. 

The Chief Magistrate at Bow Street, to 4)0 sure, reoeiyes some- 
thing extra. He has £1500 a-year. Hiis is the salary of a County 



Court Jndffe. Mil. Noaroir asks only the same amount each for his 
former colleagaes. Surely his Worship is a labourer worthy of at 
least as mudi hire as his Honour. As to utili^, indeed, we could, 
perhaps, do without Police Magistrates not quite so well as with at 
least ex-Lord Chanoellors. 

To the aboye obseryations it may^ be added that the London 
Magistrates do so indifferenUy administer justiee, in the litnrgieid 
sense of indifference, that the heading of '* Justico^ Justiee" to a 
report of its maladministration has come in these days to be quite 
limited to the proyinoial papers. The Justice of Justices, so called, 
is always that of some of tiiose Justices styled the ** Great Unpaid." 
Such justice can deserye no higher payment than what it gets, 
though it may deserye some other. The Stipendiary Magistrates 
may, at their present stipends, be denominated the Great Underpaid ; 
the measure of their greatness being that of their seryioes. A truly 
Liberal Goyemment must see that its reputation for liberality wiU 
depend on its adoption or disregard of Mb. Nobtok'b appeal for a 
reasonable increase of the inadequate stipends of theseryioeable, but 
scantily remunerated, Stipendiaries. 



Parliament Oat of All Season. 

TsB author of the proposal that Parliament should assemble for a 
Winter Session in Noyember did not oonsider how unseasonable 
would be the waste of breath withinside the House of Commona in 
that month when there is usually so much f og ou t-of-doors. Neither 
could he haye borne the memory of Gcnr Fawkbs in mind ; but then, 
to be sure, there is no fear that a second Gut Fawkes would ad- 
yenture to blow up a House which, alUiough including Whallbt, 
contains Sni Geobge Bowier. 



le 



yoL. Lxiy. 



106 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVARL 



[Maboh 15, 187S. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 




HIRE was Eothinir noteworthy this Monday, Fehruary 3rif, m a dk- 
cuaaion raiaed by Loed St sat he den oa the quefltion whether 
Parliament ihttuld not oTerhaul Treaties before they are ratified, 
exoept Lom> Salisbctet's declaration of the foLlowiog belief l— 

** Arliitrution la cue of the pet ncwtrums of the d^y^ like oowp^titii^ eJa- 
mliiiitiou err sewige irrigaUan. It will harfl iu^ day and be bt^heved in as a 
panHuea, but the next geii«<rat!on will look bAck upQH ua iHth pitj> and con- 
tempt, t« tbui^k that we could iia^i relied upoa auoh an fixpedieat hi bridling 
th^ UTomy of human passiona/' 

We hope that the next generation will haje better mwrnenu If 
notj we, ita revered parents^ are edueatinf it, at a va&t espenae, to 
very little purpose. S appose, instead ^ the ne-it generation should 
think of a Soldier as the embodiment and incarnation of hiiiiift& 
pasfiionB, and bhoidd remark that somebody ought to have aaid to 
the Marquis, as was said in presenoe of hit moieiake the £arl,7— 

*^ What wilt thou do, renowned FAULOONBaisai, 
Second a YUlain and a Murderer ? " 

Not that we beliete cm liantifldiftte detoendants wiH be so idiotic, but there 's no sayingr, and we haye as much right to suppose tbings aa 
LosD Saubbubt hajb 

Mb. GLADfiToms, aasweringr Mb. Golbsmid, who remarked that we had paid America exactly a million too much, as the acts of the 
United States testified, and that we oa^ht to haye the balimce retoraed, said that .the business was over and we had no further ooneem 
with it. Of course not What^s a million to a nation that has no national debt, no taxes, and more money than it knows what to do with, 
like England P Or, taddng I3ie other yiew, let JaamBmLL resemble the Gierke in Chaucer— 

<* But all be that he was a PhikMophre, 
Yet hadde he but litel gold in oofre." 

Certainly, Mb. Mohbxll. If people will not take the small trouble of putting the right stamps on Newspapers directed abroad, destroy 
them. Your P6stal Guide is not all that it should be, and 4oes not tell us the prices of foreign telegrasis, but the stamp rules are very 
deariy tabulated. We hate careless fools. 

LoBB Ebfdeld's reason why ^e would not recognise the Spanish Goyemment was exactly the same giyen to TUburina by bar 
Goyemor, for not seeing the Bpanish Fleet. 

Then, Madam, commenced (as housemaids say, we mean began) the Great Debate upon the Irish Higher Education Bill. 

Nay, speak not, dear Madam. ** Answer us not but with your «mi£?," Madam— to make Morose^ $ speech more elegiaiit. We do not 
intend to trouble you with an account of eyery speech spoken during this mighty conflict. When you hear what Mb;- G:fticKB8TSB 
FoBiESCfUB, a Minirter, aod an aooemplished AleibiAdes (only without any yioes), said, about the Bill, you will judge whether it ia a topic 
that need be pressed upon you to your weariness. He said on Thursday— 

<* As a matter of ftct^ howenr. the olass Irooi which young Boman CathoUo Eoeleiiaatioi are drawn in Ireland, is a olaaa wbJoh, except /or the purposes 
of the priesthood, is not atailabk for the puipoeea of higher education at aU." 

There, Madam I Firstlyi remarking that Db. Gullen, according to the Minister he admires, imitates Eifo Jsboboam (of eyil memory 
thereby), that is, makes "priests out of the lowest of the people,'' we, secondljr, submit to you that howeyer desirable it ma^ be tliat 
Mb. Gladsiobb should complete his Hibernian Triptych, tne subject of the third picture is much less interesting than the skill of the 
painter. Materiam superahat opus will be your Yardi—widch was high-Ufe slang for " yerdict '' in the days when Swift wrote Polite 
Conversation. Ton know more about Yerdi than Yardi P Yery right too. 



Maboh 15, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



107 



Well, Madam, to-BigKt Mb. Guldstoite, without waiting for an 
annonnoed Motion, uprose, and answered, b j anticipation, the speech 
which he thought was going to be made. The Bill Ming an Irish one, 
this ooncession to Irish habit seemed delio&te and appropriate. He 
refused to give the names of the twenty-eight gentlemen whom he 
meant to ask to oompose the Goyeming Council of the University. 
Pass the Bill, he said, and then we shall know what we haye to request 
them to do. He also mentioned a few small changes whi^ he mesnt 
to make in the Bill. The Motion was then made by Mb. Boumn (a 
happy man just now, for his country seat is Goalstown), and seconded 
by LoBD EsMTTVi) FITZHAT7BIGB (secoud son of LOBD LAlTBDOWirx), 
who said he had asked, on reading ihe measure, ** What enemv* of 
Ireland hath done this Y " but did not mention what aiiawer Echo 
had made. 

The Bourke Motion, Madam, was in the natire of an amendaifioit 
to the regular Motion that the Bill be read a Be oond Time. The 
Fishier .described it as a Yole of Censure. Then we went in at it. 
Mb. C. E. Lbwis, the new M.P. for Londonderry, deliyered a long 
and able maiden apeeoh aifainst the BilL and bmed the House to 
stick to the Mixed JBdueation which had woirkea so wail for forty 
years. Had Lobd Btbok been aliye, and a CommoBira and in the 
Bouse, and Fode, he might haife quoted himself :— 
^0 Mirth and lanosMMe! Mfflt sad Walsr ! 
Te happy MixtmM of more happy dsf ■ ! " 

Mb. O'MoBGAir thought the Milk and Water would not do, and 
supported the Qoreniment ; and the O'DoKoeHiTB was still more 
fiery, and said that the Catholics would stand nothing hut a firmly 
established Catholic College, to be the fountsin of eduaatian. Just 
so. Who speaks of an eternal fountain of darknsss perpetually 
welling out obscurity P Half-i^crown for the quotition, if sent 
before we go to pnss. 

LoBD BoBBBi MoNTAOir (a nobkman who saw the error of Pro- 
testant ways, and renounced them} thought the Bill a Bungle, 
though in a right direction. 

Mb. Fawcbit delivered a f errid and telling oration against the 
Bill, which he pounded to pieces. He was speoiallT treminidons on 
the '* gagging clause," which enacts that a teaoher shall be punished 
if he says anvthing <Mdculated to wound the religious leeUngs of any 
member of the IJniyersity. Do not look incredulous, Madam : the 
words are before us, and haye been well described as a mingliBg of 
Tyranny and Twaddle. 

Lobd HABTDraroK (Irish Seoretary) said the Bill had three sets 
of enemies—the Senate of Dublin Uniyersity, the students of the 
Eoman Catholic colleges, and the flomish bishops ; and that none of 
these represented thelrish people. 

Sib Miohabl Bbach retorted that if the Bill passed, the Goyem- 
ment would feel bound to stick Db. Cvllek and his prelates into 
the Council. 

'* So much for that, and butter for fish," as one of Dxak Swift*8 
elegant ladies obseryes in the exquisite work already cited. How- 
eyer, we knew butter was not the next thing coming, for Mb. 
HoBsiCAir moyed the adjournment. 

Tuesdaff.'-LoKD MABmBUBrhad a good deal to say about Game 
and Babbits. He wants to show that though oraseryation interferes 
with field produce, great compensation is obtained by the sale of the 
animals. We know notlung about this, but m do Imewthat a 
rabbit smothered in onions is a dish for the Gods of Epicurus. Ah I 
you agree. Madam. You hmye too much real gentility to mock 
onions. Eemember, too, that onions themselyes were Gods in ancient 
Egypt. 

"0 happy nstitn here! Obla^abodes! 
When STery garden is sliTO with gods." 

Very proper complaint in the Commons about the high postage 
and slow communication between us and Italy. Letters, sixpence ; 
time, from four to ten days. Mb. Moiraxu. hopes for improyement. 

Then a neat little fray. Mb. Hbitbt Jambs, in honourable and 
brotherly fashion, stood up for the County Court Judges. We need 
not go into detail. A yery mean thing was ordained by the Treasury 
about their trayelling expenses, but the order was rescinded. Mb. 
Jakes, not haying absolute confidence in Goyemments, demanded 
whether Mb. Lowe, in accepting a motion to affirm the repeal, did 
so in *' its spirit and intention." Mb. Lowe made rather a grumpy 
sort of answer, but Mb. Olabctone fired up, and said Mb. Jambs 
had taken an unwanantable liberty. Possibly, but if eyerybody 
waited for '* Justice Oyerdo's Warrant" before doing anything in 
this world, a good many useful things would be left undone. 

Mb. Pumsoll then moyed for the Boyal Commission to inouire 
into the condition of, and certain practices connected with tiie Com- 
mercial Marine. 

Simple words, but you know what they mean. JSTs meant that, 
out of 2700 persons annually drowned, four-fifths were needlessly 




Mr» Punch* $ oheer is added in his Cartoon this wedc 



Sib JoHir PASiiraTOB seoonded the Motion, and begged the 
Goyernment to concede it in the form that would be the most effeo- 
tiye. He, too, adduced some terrible statistics. 

Mb. Clat wished for a Commission that could administer oaths. 
So did Mb. Sahxtda, who deolared oyerloading, whioh was the 
result of oompetition, to be the cause of most losses. Now this 
gentieman knows all about the subjeot, and asserts that wo lose, 
eyery year, as many ships as we build. 

Mb. C. Fobxbsoub said sometldBg about oyer-odlouringy and exag- 
geration, but oonoeded the Commission, and undertook, for Goyern- 
ment, that the inquiry, whidi he proposed to extend, should be 
eamadout. 

Mb. BmnaoK distrusted QoTHrmsant, and odyiiad Mb. Piimsoll 
to draw up his own order of relaranoe. 

Mb. G. Habdt said that the ohargas inyolyed *'organiied num- 
slaughter " (a good phrase), and wiahed for eyidenoe on oath. 

Finally, the Gofyemmiost pnmaal was aooepted. And now, Mb. 
Pumsoll, you hmye a noble work before you, and Mr, Puneh will 
back you up against any who may seek to hinder a full inyeatiga- 
tion into the oavns why so many braye fellowi are annually 
drowned. 

Wednedday.—lSio disenssion can be aotually dull when Salmon| 
either liying or oookad, is the theme, and we talked a good deal 
about him, and how to preoo rye him, and the like. Madam, there 
is no fish like him. Plain boiled hath no fellow. Yet the outlet is not 
to be disdained. Madam, if yoor oook hath xnteUeot. Eat him on 
Sundays. Madam, without soraple (if he be fresh), for he is a Scrip- 
tural fish. BoAz was the son of Saucok. We haye heard worse 
reasons for many Sabbatarianinui. 

Thur$dai/.^Nim, about this time, the hostiUty to the Irish BiU 
I>roduoed many disoouragingleaduiff axtidLes, and a general impros- 
sion that it was possible jae MgJU Not Clear jB. The exeellent 
Mb. Dojmok thounit he would 4lo somothing in aid of the Cabinet, 
and amwwinced that he would moye to refer the Bill to a Select 
Committee. We wwe reminded (that a Cabinet, endangered on a 
Beform Bfll, was onoe sayed by this deyioi^. 

To-night we resumed debate, und Mit. Hqbsmjjt had his inaings. 
The '* Superior Person," as Mk. DisBAfii.i cdied him^ neyer did nis 
work in a superior manner. He went at the Bill with vehemenoe 
and bittezmess, and, haying out it to ^ieoes, deolared that it had set 
the whole Liberal party ** shying m ite shoes*" (Whence the 

Shrase, by the way r Would Dr. DoR,4y oblige PJ It was intro- 
uoed as a settlement, but the Irish prelates had blasted and 
('* blast" is from the Saxon htiE*t) deBtroyed eiU hope of that. 
Moreoyer, the Liberal party and its leaders were not in accord on 
this Bill, as they had been [on the Church sani Land. Catholics 
eyery where else were struggling to extricate themselyea from the 
fetters of the priests, and here was a Liberal Minister trying to crush 
the Layman and exalt the Pri^t. How were the mighty fallen I 
The Minister ou^ht to withdraw the BilL Let the House reject it, 
and show that it would not permit any Goyeniment to degrade 
legislation, and destroy the independence of Parliament. 

MB. FoBTBSCUB had hard work after this fiery onslaught, espeoi- 
ally as the Members had mostiy gone away to dinner, but he really 
managed to say a good deal in an adroit mani^r. 

After seyeral speeches, Db. Piatfaib came up, and, as an Acade- 
mical man, he deplored the exclusion of Philosophy and EUstory, a 
course that would make the Uniyersity the laughmg-stock of 
Europe. The Bill was yirtually a concession to the Priests, though 
not aU they wanted. 

The Chabcbllob of ieb ExcHBaiiBB intimated that the *' gagging 
clause " might be giyen up, whereat the House broke into cheers. 
He neyer knew a scheme, meant to produce peace and good-will, so 
unkindly treated. Mb. Lowb is a capital debater, but lie was cer- 
tainly not in good form to-night, and hardly hurt anybody. 

Mb. G. Habbt wanted Mb. GLABSTOim to say what were the 
exact points on whioh he should be obliged to stake his political 
exlBtence. (This, Madam, the Pbbmibb had hinted at in a speech 
at a dinner to Mb. Lockb Kora.) Mr, Punch was reminded of a 
famous cut of his, in other days, where a swell-bagman asks a 
waiter, '* Now, what is the yery smallest sum I can giye you without 
being considered mean ?" He defied Goyernment to the fight. 

ML Ybbbok Habcoubx moyed the adjournment, and he had four 
days to prepare himself, as the debate waa adjourned till the Mon- 
day night. 

JVu^ay.— Hooray, Madam, we haye a war at last I The Euro of 
THB AsHANTEBS (who they may be is a mere detaU) has orossed our 
frontier with 12,000 men. We are going to fiff ht him. It's refresh- 
ing to haye pleasant news after all our sondia bother about Strikes, 
Irish Priests, and Coals. f 

The Commons had a long night, but a dull one, and there was 
nearly a Count Out on an Indian question. The riyer Shannon was 
much censured for oyerflowing, but Mb. Lowb declined to impose 
Saxon fetters on a free, noble, and affectionate Irish riyer. 




JUatUda {who does not like being *< Wallftouwr*'). 
TH08B WHO Sit DowK and Watch you I'* 

MaudL " I DARE SAT ifOT, Love ! I nevkk Tried ! ** 



THE RETORT COURTEOUS. , 

YOTJ'VB NO iDMAf MaUD, HOW UTTERLY IdIOTIC YOU PEOPLE DaNCINO LOOK TO 



MORE POWER TO PLIMSOLL. 

(AiK— "Poor Joe*.") 

Hire's more power to Plimsoll, for Derby.M.P., 

' HiBplaok and his bottom I like, 

That at rotten old shipf, sent o'erloaded to tea, 

Not too Boon he 's determined to strike. 
With a cargo of rails in an old hnll stowed tight, 

And a deok-load, how pleasant to send ; 
While loose bolts, leaky seams, Father Neptune invite. 

And tiie pumps fight in yain with the flood. 
Let horrified shipowners never so oft, 

His charges, indignant, fling back, 
I call him the Cherub who sits up aloft, 

To keep watch for the life of Poor Jack I 

We 'ye heard Rbbd and his rivals, thb many a day, 

Discussing builds, riggings, and such, 
On floatation, stability, jabb'rinff away. 

In what sounds to landsmen High Dutch. 
But whatever the shi^ of the future may be — 

What a ship that will be, when it 's seen !— 
The ship of tn» past (hear a voice from the sea I) 

Too Often a ociOin has been. 
So says Pldcsoll. says he, though our tars aren't so soft 

At sea-risks to be taken abadc. 
There 's room for a Cherub to sit up aloft. 

And keep watch for the life of Poor Jack ! 

Underwriters at Lloyd's, now their risks wax so high. 

Are beginning eantank'rous to be, 
As with undertake^ they don't want to vie 

For performing of funerals at sea. 
The cost of your cargo, as wellms your hull, 

'Tis but safe to insure,— if no more— 



And if weather is bad, and nights dark, and freights dull, 

Of course there 'U be wrecks to deplore. 
What then P All's a hazard : Compunction is soft : 

Suppose a few tars ne'er come back !— 
Leave them to the Cherub that sits up aloft - 

To keep watch for the life of Poor Jack ! 

Hearts of oak in old times were our ships, every inch. 

And our men the same stuff as the ship : 
But now ^m the cost of . live oak builders flinch— 

The point is to make a cheap trip. 
And as cheap trips on shore in a smash often end, 
. Thanks to old engines, axles, or springs, 
So your cheap trifw at sea oft to Davy Jones send 

All but what grist to shipowners brings. 
Well, as life's breath is not like a coat to be doft, 

Which owners, when lost, can give back, 
Ji say, more power to Pldcsoll, who sits up aloft, 

To keep watch for the life of Poor Jack I 



Music] and Wut. 



A SconiBH Gentleman proposes that, on the occasion of the next 
"GFregorkn Demonstration" at St Paul's, an instrument more 
appropriflite to that performance shall be substituted for the *' kist 
fu'^o' whistles." Instead of the organ, he suggests, let the accom- 
paniments of the Qrefforian music, u any, be played on the bagpipes. 
That, heurffcs, the king of instruments, is, in reality as in name, the 
right one wnereon to accompany the Gre^^an tones. He adds that, 
though his foot just now is awa' from his native heath, bis name is 
MacGbigob, Digitized by V3W\^V IV^ 

Macbeth to Bad Mock Tubtle.-— '* Unreal mockery, hence ! ^ 



Digitized by 



Google 



Mabob 15, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



111 




OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

Vinti the Cuurt and Did AuthyU^ and th9rmp(yn addresies the 
Editor U4 ustmL 

OE-mrSir, I T^premntsd 
Ton at the now well 
known Court Theatre i 
T>efOTe the Loei^Cea^- 
bveiajnV order lud 
been tMued* I Tinted 
it becaiue I had heard 
that there was b^ing' 
p€rf ormed a witty poH- 
tioaJ Battrai entitled 
The Ilapm Land, I 
saw it, Weilj it cer- 
tainly did deeJ with 
Klitioal subjeote. Bo 
d I Been the Clown 
at Christmas-time daal 
with aimilar * 'qneetions 
of the day *^ beforu he 
was watned off the 
ground. For ita wit, 
there were three or 
four ** pointt ^^ aa tell- 
ing wiik the pnblid aa 
are the very etiily 
made htti in a street- 
ainger'fl balladf or the 
popular ' ' topio&I ^* song 
whieh deliglits tnnste- I 
ti&U politieuuu. In the make-up of three aetora aa caricatorea of \ 
Mb. GLiDSTOiTK^ Me, Lows, acd Mfi, AlTETON, lay the main attrae- i 
tion of the |>ieoe» . The make* a p of the second was as good aa waa j 
Me. Paultok^s at the Strand, where he made the auccesa of a dull | 
hurlesqne by appearing: aa Bisemaeck, with a iOD^ and daaoe. The | 
abfetract idea ot th^*e three doing a similar mti of thinR> is oertainly 
prepoeterously ab&nrd. Having laughed at the tbiee or fotir 
*• palpable hitfl^" of which the obj#ct« were quite fair game, it 
oocnrred to me that ten minntea of thia waa enouglL The satire was 
«f the aledge-bammer order, and the slain were alewn over and over 
ftg'aln, to'' weariness. For u short time the Firat Act was lively ; the 
Secend Act waa the faint shadow of the first. 

The Happy Land was evidently considered too daageront a pre- 
cedent to be permitted. Where would this sort of thing atop ? 
What had been commenced in the West, would soon Be dangerously 
improved upon in the East* For it must be remembered, that, on 
the Koglish sta^e of the present day, it is only the heaviest hand 
that does the satirical work most etfeetually* Ariatophanea, without I 
■. pinoh of At tie salt, with a drayman*a oai-t-whip in one hand^ and ] 
ft bludgeon in the other, must be the ideal of a modem satirist who 
aakiifvia popularity on the theatrical platform, at a time when 
vulgarity and rudeness often do duty for witty repartee. 

Requiring, after such an entertainment, something exhilarating, ' 
Tour Representative decided upon vieitinf SAKiiEB'a Amphitheatre, I 
"late^-alaal late—'* AsTLEr'e." The attraction waa a '* Grand 
HLstorioal SpectaoTxlar Dram% in four Aeta, called Fair Eosatntmd .- 
or J the Bays t^f the PlttniagmieL^^ Sir, my venture was repaid with 
intereat. There were Grandeur^ History, and Spectacle from the 
&imt aoor to the back of the stage* Your Eepreatntative had not 1 
"TiBited Aitley^s for aome considerable time» and was dazzled, not to < 
»av atrook and taken back, by all that met his astonkhed and ^ 
delighted gaze on the very first moment of his arnrsl at the Grand ' 
National Entranoo. Statueeiiue horses in white and jsj^sld were on 
the staircase, where classic figures, in gracefnl and enthuaiastio atti- ; 
tudest beckoned the visitor to the Private Boxes, and the Balcony ' 
Dreat StaHs. A oourteous gentleman in a resplendent Hvery, which 
was a oomppomiae between that of a Beadle and a Park-keeper, 
received us (a friend from the country, and myself) under the por- 
ticK), and waved ua onward in an upatair direction, aa thone-n he 
were cheering ua to perseverance with the cry of " E:rcMor J 
£j:c^kiof!^^ The Equestrian performances were going on, and 
I gave mjaelf up to the therouirri enjoyment of a " Grand Nautical 
Act, b? Eknest," called '* The Sailor, or the Perila of the Deep." 

Peril i I I should think so. There was the British Tar, standing' on 
a horse^B bflok and careering round and round with a peculiar 
motion, which must have strongly reminded him of his native 
ela^ent* Then arose a dreadful storm of thunder and lightning, 
which made us tremble for that poor saCor^a safe^ on board that 

{faUant ateed. The blinding Haehea were ingeniously represented by 
qwerinif the gas sharply, and as sharply turning it on again ; a de- 
vice which really had a most terrifying effect, even without the 
assistance of the Drum, which evidently^ could not resist the oppor- 
tunity affbrded by the darkneBS of coming out uncommonly atrong 
aa the thojider* 



It was a night of terror for that ohild of the Ooeon, and I wouk 
not have answered for the consequences to the Management had thi 
brave Me. Plimsoll been present. In strained anxiety You: 
Repreaentati ve watched the ac tions of this lonely Horse-nLarine . Tin 
ahip had evidentLy atruck ; I could tell by his aotion that she wai 
fast sinking (the horse did not enter at all into the spirit of th< 
entertainment, but kept up its even canter, once or twice casting it 
eye back, with, I fancied, a slight touch of superciUoumeas in it 
look), and then 1 saw that the moment had arrived when there wai 
nothing left but to swim for it. Off went the Horse- mariners hat, ot 
went hia tie, and then, disoardin? so rauch olothing as the occasion 
seemed to permit, he atxuck out boldly on that unaympathetic animal* i 
haek, and presently reached shore, represented bv a spot within threi 
inches of the crupper. Here he piously knelt down, and expresHec 
in pantomime hia gratitude to Pro?idenee. It was very good indeed 
and would have been absolutely sublime, but that my eye uniortu^ 
natelj fell upon the Clown, who. in the oentre of the ring, wat 
positively ridlouliQg the sailor* s distresf, pretending to shed teajs 
and acorn ui^ at this honest Tar*8 outburst of devotion. **Wha^ 

glace»" I cned indi^antiy, **haa a Clown in a ahipwreok ? Woulc 
e behave aa has this excellent marineT ; or, on his ffrat iiuding Mm' 
self safe on land, would he merely rtiu, cut a oaper^ saj; * Here wi 
are again, I how are yon to-morrow P and aing Mai Oi^iins f " 

At last, at about eiifht o'clock, the curtain rose upon the drsi 
BOene of Fair Jiosamond : or, the Days u/ tlw FlantafennL 

Briefly, this Spectacle is exceedingly well put upon the stage j or 
as one ought to say. when speaking of an %uestnau Drama^ it h 
* * admijrah ly mo unted .' ' 

The.Atithor and Stage Manag^er have done their work boldly ant 
thoroughly. The villain is an equestrian villain— none of^youi 
infantry aooundrela, but on horseback, with vindictive *'aaide8*' 
and it is not such an easy matter^ let me tell you, judging from thij 
instance, to depict the ^>artialIy-8Uppreased paaaiona of envyvhatred 
malioe, and ail unchantableness, and to deliver such Kjynical asidtjj 
aa fell to the lot of Bertrand de Bom. the wicked troubadour, ever 
when seated on the quieteat oreaxn-ooloured steed that ever aniffeci 
sawdusL Thojnui d Beckett waa invariably' a-foot. It i& evident, 
from thia piece, that at an early stage ot hia career, the future 
Primate developed the clear eat proofs of his subsequent ecclefflaatioa! 
vocation, by exhibiting on aD occasions a strong deairt to seize 
the alighteet opportunity for addressing anybody, on any aubjeot, 
m a style suggestive of '* heads for future aermons," Hb delivers 
was that of a man who thought a good deal while spealdnj|* I thins 
it waa Thomai d B&ekett— hut pernapa it wasn't— who atlked somfi- 
body I as he entered| attended by a friend, ** Are you afraid to comi; 
alone ? Or do ^oa bring him (tne friend) here aa your iccl-nurse ? '^ 
The quotation is not rerhatim^ except the last word. But why^ a 
doughty old English Baron or a Squire, or Knight of the Shire, 
should ^ about with a wet-nurse, wa* a eondderable puxzl© to me 
until my inteUigent friend pointed out to me that " wet-nurae ^' 
was the actor*a peculiar pronunciation of the word ** witness, " 

I have no time to give in detail how King Hmry was crowned in 
Weetminetef Abbey, where on horseback came the mounted Cham- 
pion of England, where Thmhaid^ predecesaor of -i Beckt:Jl in the 
See of Canterbury, kejit handing up aoeptres and orowns totheAVufl 
and Queiu, and hurry mg down the steps of the throne again as if he 
were afraid of a kic\ from the imptuous monarch ; or how the 
Ca«tle of Bridgenorth waa atormedt how Clifford died, how he wan 
carried about the battle-deld on a stretoher; how the May- Day 
sports, were of rather a lugubrioua and monotououa character, but 
ijuite in keeping with our national reputation for dolefulness and want 
of a mu:^io^ ear ; how the Monks came to fetch l^hamas a BeckHt 
to evening service in his own CathedraU whither he didn't appear a 
bit inclined to accompany them, and, indeed, was not even prevailed 
on to do BO hj their telling him that ** the congregation was oalliag 
for him"— moiit indecent conduct by the way ; how, Hually^ Qmen 
Eh^^amr did neither poison nor stab Bfjiamond, but insisted on her 
retiring', like Opheha^ to a ^nunnerj- ; how Thomas a Bcclelt, in 
the middle of a highly ornate aerneei belonging to no partioular 
Church or aeet, but perhaps a little fancy of bis own, was 
assassinated, and the King arrived t^oo lata to save Mm, but soon 
enough to punish the over-5^ealoufl knights* I aay [have not time nor 
ftp ice for all thia in detail, suffice it that Fair Itfmtinftnd is the only 
thing of the sort in London, and that it most satiaf actor ily revives? 
the ancient equeatrian glories ; and, were the ** dialect " only cut 
a bit, 80 that we mifi:ht get sooner to the ** 'oases,** the piece would 
be much benefited thereby, and nat in vain would this suggestion 
have been made by Yoga Esi^EiisimxrTj:. 



Seasonable Belief, 



To one class, at leaat, the present state of the Coal Market brinp 
hope, if not immediate comfort. These are the uxifortunate pCiri^?>nfi 
who nave all their lives been aecastomfd to be " hauled over thti 
ooab." There will soon be no ooals for them to be hauled oTer* 



112 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[AiABOH 15, 187a 




"HOIST WITH THEIR OWN PETARD.'' 

stum Eaoamimtr. ** Fob Ikstamos, Sol, I should uxm to hxab a Text from tou.*' 

Oiueky Oommoner. *• Wsll^ fact is I haven't loaded my Memory with Texts. But in the Apocrypha (dc) there *s mention 

THAT 'round about WERE FOUR GREAT BeASTS' ^" [PhuUdd, 



A chuds dook. 

Wi Qsoilly abstain from tiia disoossion of merely painful things. 
Those who desire snoh reading find it amply snpplied elsewhere, and 
some of onr rsepeeted oontemporaries serre it np strongly flayonred 
enough for any appetite. But hero is a ease in whioh we make ex- 
oeption. We tafs this paragraph from the PaU MaU OazeUe:^ 

« Chimney-iweepi, who oontinue, in defiance of fhe law, to employ ' dimb- 
ing boys' may take warning from a oaie whioh hat been tried at Darham. A 
Gatediead ohunney-fweeper waa lenteneed to nx months* imprisonment for 
the manslaurhter of an nnhappy little lad who was sofSoeated ia attempting 
to earry oat his oidsn in eleanng a floe." 

Apart from the IndiTidnal ruffianism in this case, Mr. Punch 
asks whether the Aet whioh was intended to deUver little ohildron 
from the most hideous erueltiss, is becoming a dead letter in any 
part of the kingdom. Is thero any other place than Gateshead 
whero little lads aro rammed into foul flues to be suffocated P The 
present generation may not romember the struggle that had to be 
tought out. oyer and over, beforo the childron could be j>rotected. 
It had to be waged against habit, prejudice, greed, ridiciUe ; but 
the victory was won. James Montgomery, the poet, with one 
ghastly but damaging volume, the Chimney Sweep^s Magasdne and 
CUnHnng Bof^9 Aibum^ gave thousands a nightmare that lasted for 
vears, but he carried the Act. Thero was a poem in the book, too, 
by Blake, the painter, that did yeoman's service. We got the 
Aet, and believea that the system of atrocious cruelty was at an 
end. But the above paragraph wakes painful doubts. Will some 
M.P. set an investigaaon going ? 

We should call the sentence on the fellow who killed the child 
ridiculouslymildy could anything ridiculous connect itself with such 
a theme. We wiah that tms master chimney-sweeper of Gateshead 
could have been senteneed to two years' imprisonment, varied by 
twentv sound lashes with the oat every quarter day, except the lart, 
when he should have had fifty, as a partiag testimonial of the public 
sense of his character. Let us hope that the gaolen of Gateshead 



aro not of a forbearing kind, and that the excellent eluH^lain will 
ffive him terrifying Calvinistio doses of oommination, calculated to 
^' chasten him in the nif ht season," since he will not get the other 
eastigation he has so well earned. 



SMALL TALK. 



When you dine out, as there is no Opera to discuss ^yet, and the 
Exhibition of New Masters will not be open for some time to oome, 
and nobody's trial or ease is at present harassing everybody, and the 
Transit of Venus is out of tho sphero of most people, and the Ghreat 
Wall opposito Hunpton Court Gardens is stopped, and the Univer- 
sitsr Boat fi;aoe is not near enough to be a sufficiently stimulating 
topic, you may have to fall back on the Central Asian questbn. If 
so, you can have no difficulty in earning for yourself the ropuUtion 
of beins: an authority on the subject, if you will only say. with an 
adequate air of importance and mystery, that you know— the state- 
ment is easily learned off by heart beforehand— that '* last summer, 
Badakhsban, believing itself menaoed by the Afghans, concluded an 
offensiTe and defensive treaty with the Padishah of Chitral, on the 
southern side of the Himalayas, and also asked the help of Yakoob 
Beo, of Eashgar." 

Do not be deterred from volunteering this information by any 
foolish fear of being interrogated on the details. Tour fellow- 
gueste will, in all probability, be equally ignorant with yourself of 
the geographical bearings ci Badakhshan and Chitral, and of the 
Tery existence of sudi a being as the Padishah, but they will 
assume a well-informed look, and not betray their secrot. It is not 
everybody who knows whero the Himalayas are. 



A HIDSUJaCIB DAT 8 DBBAK. 



Thkbe is talk of holdinff a Hospital Sundav somewhen in June. 
Yerygood. Coals may be a little cheaper at Midsummer, and Charity 
somewhat warmer towards the Striking Classes. 



le 



Maboh 15, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



113 




"SUNNY MEMORIES OF FOREIGN LANDS.'' 

Nnegvendor, *' TntsaA,' gone, Sib; but hxbb's the Sqotsman.** 

Swell. " Haw— AW ! Can I Wead it I Is rr— haw— Wittbn in English ? " 



A FAMILY PAETY. 

If a recent aotiftn for a breach of promioe of mart ingfe, 
one of the defendant's plea* was, "tlxat the promiae was 
miule Bubjeet to eerta^m conditions agreed on btftween the 
pkintiff and the defendant, that the defendant abould be 
abU to obtain the consent of hiB family— to wit, three of 
hii eldest daughters, and of four of the brothers and 
sisters of hia deoeaaed wif ©, and of the defendant's aunt— 
to hia marriage with the plaLntilt'/^ The sequel will not 
snrprise any one. The defendant waa unable to obtain 
the oonsent of his eight relatival, daug-hters, and brothers- 
in-law, and siaters-in-laWj and aunt. As there is no 
meution uiadL* of sneh an inilnjential ooiineotioni it is to 
be nrentLTued that the defendant did not pom&s a mother- 
in-IftW^her prescjie© in tha family conncil would^ pro- 
b&bly^, ha^e had the effect of deterring' him from eren 
mftkms the attempt to Induae ll& members to allow him 
to eater into a seoond matrimonial engagement. 



The H^ueeliolder^ <GBm» 

PnjB move monejron the fire 

In the ehaiie of eoak. 
Eoast the meat aye rising hi|^Mr 

As this fast world rolla* 
BatcheEO. Coalowners eenepise. 

Blesith^ souls 1 



Sayiair in XOlberal Giroleo. 

It is wyspued that the AiTOBinnr*GxirBBAi.'B Juries* 
Bill does not merelj contemplate the redaction of Juries 
in ordinary oseea from twelTO to seren. It is even hinted 
in certain qnarten that, in the OTont of becoming law, 
that measure will rednoe the whole Jnxy syetem to sixes 
andscTena. 



BBLEASE FROM BBCOGinSAKGBS. 

The newspapm annonnoe the death of a Confidential 
'C^9rk on€ on hail, charged with embezzling the moneys 
of his employen to the ainonnt of £15,000. This gentle- 
man died suddenly. Is it probable that his soryiying 
sureties will go into monming P 



IN AND ABOUT THE UPAS-TftEE. 

If on an^^Irish question you get in a qqandiry-* 
And where 's the Irish question but lands tou in that same ?— 

There 's no rule for jour guidance like the plain rule of contrairp- 
'*If you'd go^lefbi keep to tha right; keep left, if zi^^t's your 
geme." 

Here'.'s Glabbionb the ffibendan dilemma once more feeing^- 
English dilemmas haTO two horns. Hibezniaa have three— 

Or with a newer image our old hom'd friend replaeing. 
Here 's GiAosTon np Jn tiie third fork of hia ownUpav-tree I 

Like tiie athlete of Corteoa. with the stem he thought to se^w , 
Gloeed,. Tice^like, on his daring grasp, in a oleft-stiok he hangs, 

Threateiied hj his own houndar in strain of despcmrte endeaTonr 
Tollree his hands for self-dflsenoe from Ultramontane, fangs* 

But what mean these discordant throats around the ITpas baying ? 
One the hounds' that should he Mib's— one, the wolves' who 'd Milo 
tear? 
'' Down with a scheme for free lay tiKmght to Priests' control be- 
wraying ! " 
" Do wn with a scheme that to fhe Priest ban the Prof essor's chur I " 

How with each other reconcile clamour and counter-clamour? 

Or should all sense of black and ^ite upon one side be flung, 
Sinoe utt'ranoes insensible, by stupid Saxon grammar, 

May he construed, supranMnsibly, in Irish mother<-toBgae F 



N^ who knows, but, as Irish pigs down one road are manceuyred. 



From newspapers and pulpits, and haughty tongues and low pens. 
They urge *^ Don't go <Aa^ road, ye Sowls, your Qlei 



heed I" 



* Qleigy's voice that 



And JoBv Bull, stupid Saxon, beholds the hurly-burly* 
And wonders. " Must aU Irish Bills end in an IziBh row P " 

And, midst dash of oratorical shillelaghs, mutters, surly, 
'* i)onnybrook Fair near Dublin u^os—'tis at St. Stephen's now." 



A STEP m THE PEEBA0E. 




•no." 

So as they wish their flocks to take the road that Gladotoke opens, 
In hopes 'twill lead to Rome,— as Priests must wish all roads to 
lead,— 



" In great attempts 'tis glorious e'en to fail ; " therof oro the failure 
of LoBD Fitz-Walteb to roconoile the Lords to the gigantic scheme 
of the Chelsea Waterworin Company, for ^sfiguring the Thames, 
should be duly glorified. Of Suffolk, ' 
evoked from below predicts tiiat :— 



» in Henry the Sixth, a spirit 



<<BywaterthaUhe4ie8adtsl9ehisend." . 

The oracle is home out in SvffoWe death at the hsaids of one 
Walter Whitmore, whose Christian name, in the vemaonlar of the 
period, seems to have been pronounced WtUcr, although, as Suffolk 
vainly roasons with him :— 

« Thy nams^i Qmltitr, being rightly ■ooadsd.V 

It would acoordinffly be calling Lobd Fitz- Walter somewhat 
out of his name simply to pronounce it for the time to come Fitz- 
Wateb ; but {>erhaps the Chelsea Water Company may have influ- 
ence with the G-ovemment enough to procuro for the noble Lord a 
step in the Peersge, namely an Earldom, by the augmented and 
appropriate title of Lobd Waisbwoeks. 



SIHPLICITT. 



The Japanese are said to be at work com] 
It will perhai$B be eclectic. Will they, 
porate in it our Athanasian Creed ? ^i^^ 



a new Religion. 
and inoor- 



§, 



114 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[MiBOR 10, 1873. 




'' HUNTING APPOINTMENTS." 

SeieiUiJk OoUmeL ** Ari you going to the * Kribospikl' to-morrow?" 

Cavairy Stih. {Hwnimg Mavis, 'AuGHl 'Think NOT, Sir. Auoal 'Meet the-ars, do tsbv? 
Wherwb OH Earth is i— tP" ! ! 



Nevar heard of the Place I 



A PERCY TO THE EE8CUE ! 

Bxjoioiwe. Let SprbitoQ shout to all Britain. 

Ttie Thames hank is sayed, and fair Hampton Court's yiew. 
Sinfl[, Kingston and Ditton, the Philistines smitten— 

That is, one partionlar Philistine crew. 

But \Of whilst their sordid deyloes are broken, 
Their fellows haye triamphed in England's ohief Town ; 

The doom of one more noble monnment 's spok^n : 
Northumberland House is condemned to come doim I 

To make a short oat for the yans, cabs, and 'busses, 
Instead of a bend which would answer all need, 

The Philistine Board, those iconoclast Cusses, 
Are going to do this deplorable deed. 

Admiring, reposes the Philistine^s eye on 
The huie Public-house reared aloft alongside^ 

Whioh, like a tall Snob, on Northumberland's Lion 
Looks down with the scorn of a parvenu^ $ pride. 

Old mansions that eye accounts dreary and shabby, 
On yistas of splendid shops craying to dwell. 

How fain would your Philistines Westminster Abbey 
Bemoye, and replace with a Monster Hotel ! 

'Twere possible yet, though, from their tender mercies, 

Did a generous Public and Parliament will, 
To rescue the time-honoured House of the Pebcies, 

By means of amendment to Philistine BilL 



A QUESB TALE. 

If ICan is descended from the Monkey, the descent must be, as the 
lawyers say, ** in taiL" 



INVALUABLE OBTUSBNESS. 

The Tunaf, ia a leader, adyerting to the inoautiousness of certain 
classes, employed ai well as employers, truly obseryes that :— 

** There ii something in dangeroui oocupatioiii which seem* to blunt the 
■ensitiTeneit, if not to harden the hearts of thote engaged in them, towtrdi 
the apprehension of peril. - It if a temptation which sffectt all olatfec. The 
miser u as reddeei in lighting hit pipe in a fieiy mine as a mine-owner may 
be reckleM in neglecting to improTe the yentiiation." 

Yery true ; and in the nature of thingv, apparently, this contempt 
for dan^r, bred by familiarity with it, is fortunate for Socie^. 
That is, if War be a neoessary outcome of the nature of things. Or 
else what should we do for soldiers ; at any rate, what would sol- 
diers do for us P What sort of fighting would be done for other 
nations whose soldiers are not yolunteers, do not enlist, but serye 
under compulsion P How would any army, not callous to jeopardy 
of tife and limb, behaye under fire P Becklessuess of danger, con- 
stitutional or acquired, may be partial idiocy ; but it is the courage 
of the common mind. Let us praise it, therefore, Gentlemen and 
Ladies, let us honour it exceedingly. 



The Oomforta of the Oamival. 
At Rome, during the Camiyal, a Correspondent says that :^ 
** When Ton rentore out of doort, you are pelted with hard oomfitt, which 
are made of platter of Paris, and sting your face pretty sharply." 

There may be nothing in a name, but we incline to think these 
'* comfito " should be rather oalled '^ dis-oomfits." 



SATDTOe FOB SEAlODr. 



MB. Pldcsoix^s exposure of the state of our Mercantile Marine 
suggests new definitions :— Sinking Fund— the stock of Ship Insur- 
ance. Bottomry— money gained througlua -aMj) .V ffoi^ to .the 



I, of Ho. M, HoUbrd Soooro. ta ta« rtoua of sa Jmbm, CtartOB well, im tho Oowtj of lfi« dloMc. ot th« PrlatlM OSom of Momm. Bnidtarj, AfMW. ft OOu LoaAMl 
Mtaot of WUteMafTiB tbo Ottj of Loa«oo. aad Pobliiaca ^ am at Mo. 11, Fleot BtrMt, la |h« Pa^ 



1^ 



rnatod \7 loorpa Saita, «. „ 
•«raH.lata«PNeta«t 



^<^Maboh 22, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



115 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 




Said we not. dear Madam, that there would be wigs on the men this 
Session ? The phrase is Irish, and therefore it was need by Mr, Punch with his 
aoonstomed exquisite prophetic sense. At the bidding of a knot of Irish Priests, 
aft enlightened Ghivemment has been prostrated, Imperial business stopped, and 
a oiTilised nation pat into a state <d imoertainty and discomposure. Such is 
the consequence of letting inoonyenient protSffSs. When they Iweak loose, 
they do all kinds of misohieT. Howeyer» vom Pavez vew/u, Johk Bull DAimiv, 
votu Vavez voulu, 

Monda^^ March 10.— The debate on the Dublin Uniyersity Bill was resumed 
by Mjl YXKsms Haboovbt, who did his best in answer to Ms. Hobskait, 
and who contended that it was not the first duty oi Ministers to please the 
Irish prelates, but to make a fair BiU, and let tbe prelates do as they pleased. 
He did not think tbe Bill perfect, but it might be mended in Comhiittee. 
The *' gaffging clause " was a nideous deformity. He and his friends would not 
desert a Minister who had done so much good. Dr. Ball deliyered a yery 
able and impassioned inyeotiye against the Bill, whieh, if carried, would haye 
been carried by the Welsh and Scotch. The House was so pleased at his per- 
formance, that nands were actually clapped. It was yery good olapper-dawiiig, 
as Shaksfxabb would haye said. 

Diyerft— we don't mean pearl-fishers, at least they brought up yery few pearls 
of orat<ffy— followed. Mb. Mllll said that Parliament had sown the wind, 
and was bow reai^ing the wl^lwind. Lobb Johh Makvxba informed Mb. 
Gladsiobx that his genius was essentially destructiye. Mb. Bbbnal Osbobnb 
said that the Pbbmibb^ like Fakt<^ff^ had led his ragamuffins where they had 
been peppered. The Silent Sister was to be made both blind and deaf. Eyery- 
thing Irish was exaggerated— a shanty was called an hotel, aad a hedge-sehool 
a eeflege. Let the Irish Colleges be called Schools, and reformed accordingly. 
It had been imploringly said, " Dale obolum Beiiaario ''--giye a yote to a poor 
blind Goyerament ; but he was really afraid to do so» He begged Mb. Glab- 
sroBB to witiidraw the Bill. 

Mb. Gabdwbll urged that no Member yoting for the Second Beading was 
thereby committed to details. (Here people Went away a good deaL) He 
intisuited the willingness of Goyemment to surrender many points. Then 
there was rather a demand that the debate should be dosedj and Mb. Mttghbll 
"EsNRY waxed wroth, and hearinff certain noises made at his remarks, declared 
that he heard 'Uhe sounds of Balaam." This shows that the Honourable 
Member would haye been the better for a little reading of the Book which the 
priests naturally dislike laymen to study. We adjourned, after a few words 
from the Pbxmzbb. 

2\MS(foy.^Thii was the G^at Night Bntirely, Madam, 

^ Big with the ftits of Gladbtoits aad of JRome.'* 

yoL. LXiy. ir 



Good Colonel WiLSOK-PATTEir began, and heartily op- 
posed the Bill, which would enable the *' fulminating" 
priests to destroy the independence of education. Mb. 
O'Reillt supported it, ana quoted those eminent poets, 
Tox MooBB and YiBan., the second happily, for he 
cited the elegant passage in the Georgios where the 
efibet of grafting is described, and he pictured Trinity 
College as admiring her new loliage, et non stia poma. 
Apples of Discord, howeyer, seem the chief Irish pro- 
duction in that line. Mb. BouysBiB (old Whig) said 
that the Bill was miserably and scandalously bad. 
also that it had already *' gone to Hades,'' whereat seyeral 
" self-made men" probably asked their neighbours what 
AdVs meant. Sib P. O'BliEir said that the Irish 
Catholics only asked for justice, and that this Bill was 
an insult. 

Then, Madam, it was felt that the time had eome l<» 
the great Bworders to combat. Breath was bated— we 
don't mean the Irish word— as' 

** With hand whose almost osrelsii ooolnesi spoke 
Iti gnip well used to deal the labre-atroke, 
With eje, thoujfh ealm, determined not to spare, 
Did Laha too Ml willing weapon bare." 

Mb. Dibbabli stood at the table. He was in his best 
form. Madam, as your daughters say. and should not. 
He was like his own Aboriginal Inhabitant, in that 
capital book PopantUa^ and he came to giye eyerybody a 
sound flogging all round. But he dii it in the most 
artistic fashion. One for Mb. Habooubt, who had talked 
like an '* Attorney-General"— and this went home, and 
the House began to cheer. One for Mb. Cabdwbll, who 
had explained away the BiU, and one for Mb. Glad- 
6T0FB, who had explained away the explanation. We 
might discuss the Bill in Committee. Of course we 
might^how gracious ; what else do we go into Com- 
mittee forP Then we had some good fun about the 
granting degrees, and he told a story about his ref osing 
to do pcnnething tp please some White Q^uakers, for fear 
lest they should confer the degree of White Quaker on 
him. (There were some more white quakers in the 
House just then) Then he derided Goyemment for 
refusing to found a Philosophy chair in an age ** when 
younff men prattle about protoplasm, and younff ladies 
in glided saloons unoonsoiousiy talk atheism.'' (Tell 
your daughters that, dear Madam.) He was yery 
effectiye on this part of the subject Then he adyerted 
to ocmcurrent endowment. That was the policy of 
statesmen. It had hwn Pbel's, and Palvebston's. and 
once Mb. Gladstone's own, but he had abandoned it for 
a policy of oonflscation. That policy had led to the 
Disestablishment of the English Church in Ireland, but 
what had followed P The Disestablishment of the Catholic 
Churdi in Rome* and for this the Papacy was indebted 
to Cabdikal CuLLEir, whom let Protestants therefore 
reyerence. " You," he said to the (Joyemment— 

** Have had four years of it ; yoa have despoiled Churohes, 
you have threatenea every corporation and endowment in the 
wantrj—ilaughUr and ekeeri) — ^you have examined into every- 
body's affairs — {cht^s) — ^you nave oriticised every profession, 
and vexed every trAde— (renewed laughter and eheere) . Nobody 
is certain in property ; no one knows what duties he will have 
to perform to-morrow— (0A«frt). This is the Policy of Con- 
fisoation." 

He concluded by declaring that he must yote against a 
Bill which was monstrous in its general conception, peif- 
nicious in many of its details, and utterly futile as a 
measure of practical legislation. v ,, v. 

There is only one man in the House who can hold his 
own against such sword-play as that, but the man was 
there—" a strong man armed "—we may add, " keeping 
the House." • , . 

Mb. Gladstokb taunted his antagonist wtth haying 
talked for half-an-honr on matters that had nothing to 
do with the subject. Concurrent endowment I It was 
dead, no doubt, but it might reyiye under the potent 
charm of the Magician opposite. But Pebl was not its 
friendj nor had Iw himseu eyer been. Then the Pbbmieb 
defended himself for haying made this Bill a question of 
confidence. This was needful, after three years of re- 
sistance to what was part of a general scheme for the wel- 
fare of Ireland. He denied complicity with the Catholic 
prelates. Supporting the prim-iples of the measure, he 
was bitterly sarcastic on the "Waiters on Proyidence" 
who had so eulogised the Bill atfirst. but had now aU 
run away fiom Its piranciers. He called on the House 



116 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[MiBOH 29, 1873. 




TEMPORA MUTANTUR! 

Ancient Messman (to his Officer just returned to Barrtuks), '* Coffeb and 
CURA90A, Sir ?— Brandt and Soda f '* 

Modem Captain. ''A(joh!~No. Bring mb a Glass of Iced Toast- and- 
Wat-ar I ! ! " 



AWFUL ANNOUNCEMENT. 

At the top of the Times Polioe Beporti, on Friday, 
last week, appeared a case which may be described as 
both shocking and astounding : — 

<*At Martlvbons, Bn Johw Dukv GoLUODoa wu nun- 
moned by Mr. Bstan, on behslf of the Metropolitan Board of 
Worki, for baying a chimney on fire at bis reeidenoe, 1, SuMex 
Square, Hyde Park. Ma. Mansfuld inflicted a fine of 10«. and 
6«. ' " 



The annonnoement that the Attoekbt-Gehebal (for 
Mr. Gladstone was as yet Premier) had been summoned 
before a Magistrate and fined, conld not bat ha^e 
shocked eyery the least sensitiye nature in a degree only 
less than the mind would have ezi)erienced from the 
Dews that the Lobd Chancellor or the Abchbibhop 
OF Cantebbubt had been '* had up." Equally astound- 
ing also was the intelligence that the offence charged 
against Sib John Dube Colebidge was that of hayine 
had a chimney on fire; as the right honourable ana 
learned gentleman is known to be a sweeping reformer. 



THE CASE OF THE COAL RING. 

It is a matter of statistics that the death-rate 
yery highly during the late cold weather. This increase 
of mortality was eyidently in a great measure due to tlie 
coal famine. Happily for the thriying Coal-owners, this 
is a consideration which Political Economy not only 
permits, but enjoins them not to pay the slightest at- 
tention to. Political Economy alone controls Legislation ; 
Christianity is an affair of oonBcience. The Coal-ownen 
haye quite as much right to make money irrespectiyelT 
of the death-rate as the men, who, the other day, refusecL 
to try and rescue a drowning child, had tsi decline risk- 
ing their persons ; and therefore consistency requires 
us to point out the absurdity of prefixing^ to paragrai^ 
describing the conduct of thesi latter in that reepiMt 
such headings as ** Almost Incredible" md ** Stoking 
Inhumanity." 

APPEAL to the united STATES. 

You do sing ** HaU, Columhia J " as well as ** Yankee 
Doodle ; " but still your Continent has deriyed its name 
from AicsBieo Ybspuoci. Now, Amebioo is only the 
Christian name of that yoyager. Couldn't you sometimes 
call your great and glorious country Ybsputia P 



to let the Bill go into Committee, and then to improye it as much as 
possible. And he said :— 

** My bon. and learned friend the Member for Oxford, in bit eloquent 
ipeech the otber day, laid be bad yean of poUtioal life before bim. I nare 
Tery little before me, but I baye mncb behind me. I bare an aooount to 
render. I bave a past and present to think of. The duties of the moment 
are solemn, and I wish to leaye upon record tbe solemn oonriotion I entertain 
tbat it ▼ould be a graTe and serious error on tbe part of this House were tbey 
to giTc tbe slightest encouragement to tbe demand that is made for introducing 
into Ireland the system of seoarate endowment for separate religious institu- 
tions or sMdemioal purposes.^' 

After some humorous references to other speakers, especially 
** that old but repentant rebel," Mb. Bentinck, Mb. Gladstone 
said that he was not afraid of the charge that he wished to serye the 
priests. He was ready to serye them, or any other men, as far as 
justice demanded, but was not ready to go an inch farther for them 
or any other men. His peroration was fine :— 

'* To mete out justice to Ireland according to the best of our yiews, and to 
which with our human infirmities we could attain, has been tbe work— I will 
almost say the sacred work— of Uus Parliament {cheers and eounter^eheers). 
Having put our hand to the plough let us not turn back. Let not what we 
think the folly and perrerseness of those whom we are attempting to benefit 
haye the slightest effect in turning us from the path we haye undertaken to 
tread. As we haye begun, so let us go through ; with a firm and resolute 
band let us efface from the laws and practice of the country the last— for I 
belieye it is the last— of the religious and soeial grieyances of Ireland 
{kmdeheersy 

Then the House diyided (about two on Wednesday morning), and 
the numbers were :— 



For the Goyemment 
Against 



284 
287 



Majority against Goyemment • • 3 
The result was known before the jmclamation was made, for 
Colonel Tatlob, the Conseryatiye Whip, was unable to conceal 



his triumph. He wayed the paper, and the roof rang with the cheers 
of the yictors. 

Mb. Gladstone said the yote was of a grays character, and he 
moyed the adjournment of the House until Thursday. So died the 
Irish Higher Education Bill. 

77kur«c{a^.— Announcement was made, in both Houses, that 
Ministers had resigned. 

It was known that Heb Majesty, faithful as always to constitu- 
tional traditions, had ** sent for" Mb. Disbaeli. 

Both Houses adjourned until the Monday. 

But the Commons did not separate until Mb. Osbobne had tried 
to extract some more information from those who, he said, had run 
the ship aground, and to whom Mb. Gladstone, with admirable 
grayity, replied that he had giyen a complete narratiye of eyents so 
far, and anything else belonged to a new chapter. Mb. Gilpin 
suggested what the Times called the ** puerile " deyice of a yote to 
the effect that the rejection of tile Bill did not mean want of confi- 
dence, but he found no fayour. Keep to the old linea, G^Uemen, 
you will not mend them. Ma. Gladstone was simply doing an 
English statesman's duty in resigning after a hostile yote on a large 

Question. We do not want our system improyed. Finally, Mb. 
^ILLWTN tried to press his Salmon Bill, and the House roared. We 
see nothing to laugh at. Irish Salmon do rei>ay any pains taken to 
improye them. 

Nor did the Lords separate until they had done something. 
Earlier in the week they read the important Judicature Bill a 
Second Time, thus paying a tribute to the genius of the new Lobd 
Chancellob, who seems likely to succeed where so many haye 
failed. And this eyening they debated the Marriage with a Wife's 
Sister Bill, and once more reiected it, this time by 74 to 49, msjority 
25. You may like to know, Madam, that the Pbince of Wales sad 
the Duke of BDiNBXTBeH paired in fayour of the Bill, the former 
with his brother-in-law's father, the Ditkb of Abgtll, who opposed 
it. Our cousin, the Duke of Cakbbhx^e, paired for its rejection. 



Uamob 22, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



117 




SCENES OF CLUB LIFE. 

ELECTION OF AN HONORABY MEMBEB. 



COME TO GEIEF. 

** If that leap don't giro Gladbtomv a i hake. 
He it a rider, and no miatake ! " 

{S^e Mr. Funch tmd hit Oartoan of Ftbrwwy 16.) 

With his whip at work, and his tpon rammed in, 
And too hard a hand on his horse to begin, 
Six foot of stone to clear in his stride, 
And ngly taldng-off ground beside, 
We saw nim powdering down the hill. 
With censid*rably less of wisdom than will ; 
And just as judgment had cried *' Hold hard I " 
To a warier rider, and cooler card. 
We saw his teeth clenched hard for a msh, 
And his brow o'erspread with an angry flash. 
And then we knew how it would be-- — 
With that leap, in that temper— 'twas all U P ! 

Three times his prudence and half his pluck,— 

With recollections of two yew* luck. 

And the famous ** kills " of Church and Land, 

To harden his heart, and nerye his hand^ 

It needed all these, and something beside, 

At sudi a leap, with a chance, to ride I 

But some said his horse hard-mouthed had got, 

And we knew hu temper had grown hot ; 

And then, that crowd, just under the wall, 

Friesse coats and black, in angry bawl. 

With their sudden waying of flag and crosier. 

Might well shake the pluckiest jock's composure ; 

With such sounds in his ear, and such sights in his eye, 

'Shib steadiest horse in the world would shy I 

Tet he went at it, flrst, with such a will 
That those who had laid the long odds on a spill. 
For a moment. Queer Street thought to see, 
And looked for a hedge, if a hedge might be. 



fiat then came that see-saw of rasping rein. 
That works a horse against the grain ; 
And that sting of whipcord and angry heel. 
Where a 'outer hand had spared lash and steel ; 
And the hullaballoo of that hooting crowd. 
Where the jock looked for cheers, bat not so loud — 
And book-makers cheered, and baokera were dumb. 
For the chance was gone, and the cropper come I 

And we saw, through the stones of the wall, in the air, 

A rider still in his saddle square ; 

And we saw the Irish horse in a heap 

Gome rolling oyer that luckless leap ; 

And we saw that plucky rider down— 

With a broken neck, or a fractured crown P 

Kot yet I In spite of stun or sprain. 

He 's off! and up on his legs again. 

And shaking his flat at the shouting crew 

Who 'ye spoiled his leap with their hullaballoo I 

And as ready to ride- thank firitish beef — 

As if he neyer had '* come to grief " 1 



Maimers. 

Ik a Debate in the Assembly, the other day, our friend M. Lottis 
fiLA.iro remarked— 

— " (qaieUy taming to the jubilant Eight), as Benjaniin has obserred, 
a people la not goreraed with enigmaa." 

This is just ihe sort of epigram that the Leader of Opposition 
here was ukely to launch, but we do not remember it. Anyhow, 
M. Louis Blanc might haye called him Mb. Disraeli. '^Ben- 
jamin " is a trifle familiar, eyen in an Ultra-Republican. 



. . .... >./-~%r^ " J 

SSASOVABLE MoTTO FOR CATHOLICS.'-^' ^l^tllta lenU : " f.6. Get 

through Lent quickly. 



118 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[March 38, 1873. 



IRISH JURIES-PRUDENCE. 




AnOHGn^ nflieT novel tiei in Irelftnd they 
hftve a new Jury vjatem, but it d*X!» not 
Beem to b* a eueoewi* The ftocontit iriviMi 
by the Dublin Corpeapundent of the Tim ft 
of Bome iBoicienta at the last Irish Asai^es 
u aj droll M a farce and &a straDire a« a 
fiction, and should be examined by any- 
bcMiy who wants a little relaxation after 
stndjing the Irish Education Bill. We 
feel we are eon tribu ting to ** the gaiety of 
nation*" by reprodutiing the best of thene 
Jury ana. 

Connty Galway ihall lead th« way .— 

'*In one of the late proaeontioDS oonneeted 
with the Qalwaj election, the Juror who should hare acted as fbrtmaa begged to be excused, 
and made way for another." 

Modesty or baahfulneai, perhaps, was tbe eaoie^ of ibis Irishman shrmkinflr 
from the honour proposed to be thrust upon him? Bead on : — 

** It was afterwards founi that he had good reason for declining the position, being 
wholly illiterate, in a criminal trial at the Commission Court a similar incident ooourred, 
the Juror in that case avowing his inability to read or write." 

An Education Bill is clearly wanted in Galway, bat luoh studies as reading 
and writing, although they naay seem dangerous aeoomplishments in the eyes 
of Roman Gatholio prelates, and fraught with peril to the Faith, must not be 
excluded from it. Kena^h, too, appears to be i^ want of a little elementary 
instruction, for the same ilhteraer came to light diere as at Galway. 

Next let us see what happenea at MuUingar. There 

*< the Court was disturbed by a little wretohed-looking old man, who hobbled to the 

table, and insisted on streaking to * his Worship.' When he obt^ned a hearing, he stated 
that he could not stand it any longer ; that he had only two-pennywortb of bread on the 
preyious day, and had to come a long distance. The Chief £aroa immediately released 
him firom further attendance as a Jiux>r." 

Further mention is made of a seeond and third i>oor Juryman being 
released from senring, and there were probably others in waiting with pleas 
equally oogent, if they eould only hare gamed a hearing. 

** At Trim, a special jury was sworn to try an ejectment ease, in which possession of 
170 aeres of land was sought. When the issue paper was handed to tiiie Chief Baron he saw 
that it was unintellinble, and handed it back to be properly filled, proposing to dictate the 
words in which the finding should be giyen. The foreman preoeMed to write, but he had 
recourse to the Be^trar to assist him in spelling such words as * lands' and *B9^ntioned.' 
J^ally, to save time, tbe Begistrar dictated the letters, while the Judge dictated the 
syllables, and the issue paper was filled. After all it was discoTcred that tbe word 
* plaintiff' was spelt with a * b,' and bis Lordship had to send the 



intricate words as "lands'* and "mentioned,** and 
disooTcred that there is no * ' b ** in plaintifiT. We do not 
forget that Geobge thb Siooin) oonfused his "b*s" 
and "p's," or that Mr. Welhr, senior, experienced a 
difamil^ m disoriminatiiig betwMi " Y *' and " w." 

* At Moasgfaaa, Ma. Kanb, J. P., a grand inror, who was 
also summoned as a petty juror, asked Ka. Justiob Kbooh 
whether he was obliged to asrre in the Utter espaeity. His 
Lordship replied that the Jurr Act had only reoently come into 
operatioa, and its results had not been fiilly deyeloped. He 
did not know whether Ma. Euri would be enabled by any of 
its peeoliar pronrioos to be in two pUees at the same time." 

Mr. Jusncv Exogh is evidently as distinguished for 
humour as for courage. No mentio9 is made of Sib 
BoTLB Roche and his histerie bird* but there can be no 
doubt they would both be cited. 

•." Shortly afterwards, when a petty Jmj same to be em- 
panelled, one of the jurors was sworn as PATin Gmnns, and 
the Begistrar insisted, that he saswersd to that name, but he 
informed the Oourt that his real name was Kiohako Jack, 
and he was re-sworn in that naaie." 

Byery man is the best judge of what his own naiM is, 
and jAGKtolias Gbdbes, has our sympathy in this contest 
with the Registrar. We should prefer Gbbdis to Jack, 
but are not m love with either appeUatiye. 

^ In reply to questions the j urors stated that they had nefsr 
senred belore, and would not then, if they eonld help it Oae 
of them appealed to the Judge to let him off on the ground that 
be had a bad leg, and could not sit in the box. He offered to let 
his Lordship see the leg. Ma. Justiob Knoas declined tbe 
priTilage, and told him to stand aside. He replied he could not 
stand.^ 

This juryman was evidently a wag. and d sss r vad 
his freedom. Mb. Jitstiob Kcooh*8 refusal to see 1^ 
leg will be approved of br all his judicial brethren. The 
inspeotbn of such a limb of the law might have set on 
foot a disagreeable precedent. 

Just one more scene. 

' ** At Clonmel, during the trial of a man chaiged with muder, 
Counsel for the Crown, when replying at the close of the ease, 
was frequently interrupted by a juryman, whooe condition at- 
tracted the notice of the Court. A doctor was sent to examine 
him, and swore that he was under the influence of drink, and 
would require several hours* repose. The jury were then con- 
ducted through the Court, amid the laughter of the bystanders, 
to wait until the juror should beoome sober. It was afterwards 
found that he was seriously ill, being in a semi-comatooe con- 
^Uon, and they had to be discharged." 

We thought we should perceive the aroma of whiskey 
before we had done. After reading tiiis last story, no 
one wiU be surprised to hear that "the Chief Justice 
oommented upon the fact as illustrating the unsatisfac- 
tory character of the Jury Act." Mb. EBSKurB Niool, or 
some other skilful delineator of Irish character, ought 
to seize upon the incident of the exit of the jury to 
await the return of sobriety to one of their fellows, and 
transfer it to canvas. 

It is not improbable that we may have a new jury 
system in England. We will hope for more favourable 
results than those so graphically depicted by the Times* 
Correspondent in Irelimd. 



Oonfeas Thyself I 
VAjtotheb f ool« exemplifying a very common form of 
insanity, has been giving himself up and confessing 
that he committed the Eltham murder. Which is the 
greater fool, this kind of one, or the other who allows 
himself to he led by the nose to such a length as to be 
induced by a sham practitioner of priestcraft to practise 
auricular confession in a parson's ear P 



amended." 



paper back to hare it 



After reading this lesson in dictation and its issue, who will not fervently 
hope that he may never have the ill-luck to be a partv in an ejectment case at 
Tnm— at least, until its special jurors have mastered the orthography of such 



Question for OardweU. 

Ths earbiM is perhans not the best pasrible firearm 
for mounted troops. It might be beUer to arm the 
Cavalry with a modem improvement on the old horse- 
pistoL Would you net have that in Coif s Revolver f 



A BTAiroure MUU.C3liEr^ r^r^lr> 

Thb maintenance of a wife and a family ef ohildren 
on the stipend of a Curate. 



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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 




"COME A 

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BARIYABL-Maboh 22, 1873. 




CEOPPEE ! " 



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Maroh 23, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



123 



OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

He visiU a Fair, and reports himself to the Editor ^ as usual. 

HSN, Sir, I htye nothiiiff better 
to do— a rare oceMion, as Yon 
may imaffine •— Your Eepre- 
aentatiye likes to take a ludi- 
day. Oa eaeh an oeoadon I 
am fond of rei^esenting mj- 
self as sannterug among the 
theatrioal booths of this Tast 
Ifetropolitan Fair, amnsing 
myself by examining their 
flaming pictures hung outside, 
listening to the soreams ot 
'»Walknp! Walk up! "from 
the hoarse throats of the oppo- 
sition showmen, and debating 
with myself the question as 
to which exhibition shall be 
benefited by my patronage. 
This entertainment costs me 
no more than threepence for 
the Times J and, I regret to say, 
Ihe price of the coals in my 
grate. I do not tramp the 
streets to obtain my informa- 
tion. The Fair is here. 

The adyertisement sheet, 
with its sole piece of furni- 
ture, the oldT dock ia the 
comer --that small nale-faced 
dial, with its unchangeable 
hands fixed at half -past twelre 
punctually, whether a.m. or 
P.M. is a matter of ehoice to 
the gazer, far more famous 
than its reverend friend at St Paul's, or its towerinsr relation at 
St Stephen's, which is neyer the same for two minutes together, 
—this advertuement sheet of the Times is for me the common 
whereon the circus-tents and booths are pitched, and the caravans 
of performing prodigies display their banners, lower their platforms, 
and let down their steps to the public. 

I haye been right through the fair. The clanging, the trumpetinjp, 
and the shouting haye made my head whizzy, and 1 sit down withm 
hearing of its murmur (it is difficult to get entirely away from 
that)t unwilliojr to ** turn again," eyen though, like Whittington, 
I should be bidden to the Mansion House by the chimes of fiow 
Bells. If I return to the bus^ scene,^ which booth shall I enter ? 
There used to appear at one time, daily, perhaps it does now, an 
adyertisement headed, ** Where shall we go to-day P" and the 
answer ingenuously gaye the name of the advertiser's exhi- 
bition, without the slightest hesitation, and without a hint of the 
possibility of yisiting any other amusement in the Bfetropolis. It 
was as great a boon to wayerers as is the fixed menu of a one 
o*cloek ordinary. The Legislature might appoint certain days 
for certain shows, and this would assist some folks oyer a difficulty. 
But eyeryliiing is open to me at once— all are beckoning, inyitiuff, 
and crying the exceUence of their wares aloud in my ears, frantic 
as might be a gang of lunatic Cheap-jacks broke loose from Bedlam. 
I stagger, and retire with my pockets buttoned, dazed, amazed, 
confused by the jarring din. Only a very few managements seem 
to me to display their wares respectably and soberly ; and they 
haye certainly been no losers by the method. Oae of these has, if I 
am not mistaken, invariably preserved a modest and almost bash- 
fully-advertising demeanour, as though it were forced* blushingly. 
to announce its own merit, at t^e same time that, for its friends' 




■ake. it regretted the smallness of its house, and the unfashionable 
neighbourhood of Tottenham Ckmrt Boad. Yet if I want to mention 
a really successful Theatre. I name, from first to last, ICbb. 
BiorcBGFT's, or, as she still allows *' her friends in front " to call her, 
Mamie WiLToV'-and more power to her pretty elbow. There are 
one or two others—as, for exami^t the CFaietv, where the stock in 
trade, I observe, is duly set forth, as is the duty of eyerv caterer 
for the public, but without any yelling and shouting about * ^gigantic 
and etupendous success," which is as irritating as the newsboys' 
cries of vamped-up latest intelligence in a sixth evening edition of 
a penny paper at the time of an expected crisis, and m tiresome in 
its repetition as the harsh screeching and monotonous bobbing of the 
meet conceited and idiotic Macaws, trying to attract the visitor's 
attention to their sulphur-tipped polls. 

To judge by the advertisements outside tiie booths, in Time^ 
Common Fair, never was the Drama in a more prosperous state than 
now. Ghreat Successes eyery where 1 Artists received with entiiu- 
I Grand combinations of attractions!. Behold, too, the 



touching picture, drawn by himself, of an afflicted Mani^r ut- 
terly overpowered by his uncontrollable emotion on seeing Ms house 
nightiy crowded by most illustrious audiences I I protest I am 
disposed to mingle mj tears with his, to pat him on the back, and 
say, '* Do not cry. Sir I Better days are in store for you. Bear 
your hard fortune like a man t Bless you I Liquor up I ^* 

Here is another calming the trembling fair ones in his auditorium, 
and shouting to the occupants of stalls, boxes, dress-circle, pit, 
and gallery that, on his word and honour, the conflagration on his 
h^ti^i i< n(}t real ; that he is only playbg with fire ; that his nervoui 
pD.tron6 need not stir from their seats, aa thf median L^t and scene- 
painter ore only ** purtendin' ; ^^ that he admits tho admirable decep- 
tion ; and thiit, aft^r all, he is, as it wera^ not ihe Lion, but plain 
Hotifim^ the Wearer. 

Throii|?^li other Bpeakinf-trumpeta, from *' other lipa and other" 
liinR-s, come ehouta of " Matt SuocusBful Kevixral ever knowTi ! Walk 
np ! " *' Moat BriUiant Thing ev^r written^ heard » or seen ! Walk 
n^l Walt up!" "ThriUing Sensation Scene, nijjhtly witnoaBed 
with breathleai interest ! Walk np ! Walk np ! " Somebody^ in 
bis Great Impersonation of DriinkeaneBUt pronounoed &y all whn sae 
it (thert^ k a touoh of modeety worthy of italies in thii conditional 
clause), to be a most povrerful |»teoe of acting \ \ Walk up ! ! 
0«^nnine and Unet^uirocal SutKieait t [ I Engagements at Eoor- 
moua Cost I Walk up ! The Greatest Artijtti in the World ! 
Unprecedented 8aiJD@s« every where I Sound the trampets, beat the 
drutni. drencsh yonr pockot-handkerohiefi with t«an, clang the 
oymHals 1 Bl^irKtJii and CaimifLF^ij for ever f I 

The Uanagerial motto is, '' Whatever ia xa best," whioh he adapts 
to oircunistancea. ** WhateTer is at mf Theatre," he ssya, * is 
beat/' and as long a« this over- advert tAiog is the |aibion« 
he can aean^elf be blam*d for acting up to what he wiahes 
to be supposed are his oplutons. But why can not all follow the 
example yf M* Ppinoe of w alei*s and tbe Charing CroM Theatre P 
Que qdet seuflible adrertifteodent each; and another '^ under the 
olook." 

1 uctioc that, just at this timcj the YaudeTlUe has nothing very 
itartUni? in the way of advertiaement : a sign, though not an 
infallible one^ of material prosperity* The St. James'e is quiet too, 
tboug'h it has tbi^ee shouta. Bat why is not the single caliche " under 
the clock *' suffieient? or say, at most, one under the olook and one 
in the adjoinini; oolanm ? 

My f rib ad Wagg dropa in with an observation. He has, he says, 
a BUif^estiou for the " proud manager *' of the Lyceum, who, as one 
of Ltie most enlightened and ^ontest people on airth, will probably 
ayail hiin«elf of the notion. Wa.gg proposes that as King Charles 
wears a marvellous peruke, and Mr. Cromwell is nearly bald, it 
would be well to lignten the advertisement by announcing ** Mb. 
Bblmohs in his vigorous assumption," &c., and ^' Mn. lamfa in his 
wiggyrous assumption." Wagg means well, poor fellow. 

Mr. Gns has hung out his banner on the wall. He announces, 
among other things, MosS m EgiUo. How will the great Lawgiver, 
&o., make up ? Wagg of course answers '* with *air on" an ancient 
jest for which he would be deservedly plucked in a Lambeth exami- 
nation, or receive the Jo Miller scholarship in All Fools University. 

Time Works Wonders at the Qlobe. '' Inow Movtagux, sit fast I 
I seek for thee." as King Edward says in Sc 2, Act v., Part iiL 
Hbn. YL, which is a lungish reference for a short quotation, but of 
course this revival is a thing to he seen, that is, when the govern- 
ment of the Weather settles itself into something resembling a con- 
sistent policy. Till this happens, a brave indoor soldier, and not 
afraid to face the fiercest fire u 

YOTTS RSPBBSBirrATIVB. 



A WOMAFS aUESTION. 



Is it really illegal for British subjects to wear forei^ deeorationsP 
If 80, the law in this respect, if enforced* vould deprive women of a 
right which they probably value more than all the other ligtits they 
claim, or whioh are claimed for themi put together. What is a 
chignon but a foreign decoration \ indeed, what femioiai decoration 
can be named that is of native on^inP AU the fashions are imported 
from Paris ; not a fringe, trimming, feather, flower, or bow, but is 
of French origin: much of the false hair probably oomes from 
foreign prisons and hospitals. The rifrhts of women are not so far 
recognised abroad as to render them elmble for Orders of nobility 
and Knighthood; hut there ar# still loreign erossei and ribbons 
which they have hitherto been wont to decorate themselves withal 
in profusion without let or hindrance, but would have to discard 
them all immediately if there existed a law which forbade them 
from wearing foreign decorations under penalty of tm or im- 
prisonment. 



8HAK8FBAS1 FOB THf8BA80ir< 

** To make ooali cheap : a ' memory I 
a>HlMMiM, Aot 



;rroosI 

tT.SC.1. O 



in 



PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Maboh 22, 1873. 







THE MINERS' PROGRESS. 

Curate. " Now, Oilks, I Fiak tou 'll oit into Trovblk aoaim with toub Otm I " 
0U*$. " No Feab, Sib! Oob Pit's takbn a Shootin', and I 'u the Eekpib 1 1" 



€\mhs ^mgjt. 



fiOBN 1791. 



DIED 1873. 



Whitx head, keen eye, kind smile, that we no more 
Shall ^et in its earned eye of lettered lore ; 
One ot the truest aids of Captain Pen, 
Who here his flag of ** Peaee, good-will to men," 
Foremost and farthest of his saored band, 
LeMToed to spread light of letters throoffh the land. 
And sore a hope forlorn they might be deemed. 
Who of assault on that strong fortress dreamed, 
Where, guarded oloee by Prejudioe and Pride, 
Contented Ignoranoe suoh foes defied. 

Long was the leaguer, toilsome, large of eost. 

And oft the oause to fainter hearts seemed lost, 

But he was of those sanguine, oheery souls 

Who through the raoes* dust still see the goals; 

Still his strong frame was toughest-braoed for toil. 

His hand still darkest with the seemly soil 

^ the blaok press, from whose ink-streams a light 

Was yet to radiate through England's night. 

Of ttimes the fuel weU-mgh failed his flame. 

And Ruin stood betweennim and his aim, 

But manfully he grappled the grim foe. 

Nor eyer yielded sword, though oft struok low. 

And his reward was that he lived to see 

Cheap Letters broad-oast sown, and Knowledge free! 

• • • • «r 

^at, lif e-kmg fighter, as he was, for light. 
His aouU if keen, was ever kind and bright. 
Cordial and eonstant— so that truth may say 
No truer, manlier man e'er passed away. 
None that to all of his best gladlier gave. 
None worthier of a good word o'er lus graye. 



NEWS FROM A STAR. 

A YXBT curious and suggestiye yolume, called Another Worlds 
has lately oome under the eye of Mr, Punch. It is what may be 
called a Romance of Satire, and, unlike most books that are in- 
tended to do two things at once, it effects both. The scene is laid in 
another Star than oi]g own, as the following morceau will proye : — 

'*The women are instnioted in our planet m to the art of pleanng, and 
the liandaomett and most gifted exert thesiaelyei to thia ena. They are 
required to attend to their peraoaal appearanoe abroad and at home. The 
married etpeoially are enjoined to attend to this as much in the preaenoe of 
their husbands aa before strangers. A different custom preyailed in former 
timea, when women, after they had been sometime married, thinkjny that 
their husband's affection was secured, gave themselves no fluther care to 
please him, though still taking pains to appear handsome and fuaoinating to 
others. It was for riiitors and strangers that the most comsly apparel and 
the most engaging manners were put on ; the oonaequenoe was, that the hus- 
band often pr^erred the sooietjr of those who, in appearanoe at least, seemed 
to care more for him than did ms own wife.*' 

Well, yes, there is something to be said for Another World. But 
taking into consideration present prii^ of feminine apparel, we 
think that our own system u the best—certainly the most eoonomi- 
caL If the beloyed ones of our bosoms came down to the domeetic 
dinner eyery day^ arrayed in all their war-paint, what they woidd 
gain by our admiratbn of their oharms they would lose on our in- 
yestigationof our cheque-books. Eyery star its own system. Tetwe 
shouM like to see the arrangements so daintily desoribed in the 
book in question ; for see how the ladies of that world dieas their 
hair. What does Xe i^o^ say to this P— 

« la the hair is sometimea worn an ornament formimr two wings, each oon- 
aisting of a single diamond, whleh mores on small nne hinces, and ia so 
arranged that we least breath of air will set it in motion. In the oentreb 
unitinjg the two wings, ia a small orimson stone, aurmiunted by a large round 
stone of purple-bloe, firom whioh sprouts out a Terr fine dagger of a greeoish 
gold colour. The rest of the head-dreas is made of fine metal, chosen for its 
lightness, of the same iinU. These metals are of equal, perhaps greater, 
ralue than ^Id, but are ohosen for their qualities. The neoUaoe and ahklets 
oorreapond m character to the head-dreas, with the addition to the former of 
one large pearl, which hangs to the wings, and reats on the lady's bosom.'* 



March 21 1873.1 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



12ft 







" SIX OF OHB A9D HALF-A-DOZEN OF THB OTHBE." 

Cheerful Party, *' Hullo, Browd ! You look Dowd il thb Bouth, old 
Bad I What 's the Batter I * 

Depreaaed Party. " 0, beastly Cold id the Head '^ 

Cheerfal Party. "Ah! that cubs frob Livid id that edbryatio Holb^ 
South EedsigtodI Wht, dult you cdb ad live id St. Jod's Wood, as wb 
do?" 



A NEW LEGEin). 

Thb telegraph (eleotrio, not Daily) relates another 
remarkable statement of the Pope's. In reply to an 
address presented by Peikos LioHTXHSixnr to His 
Holiness:— 

''The Pope isid he rtjoioed at this inttmstioiiml demon- 
itration, and cited the example of 8t Peter, who spoke to MTeral 
nations at once." 

Did heP We know that St Peter may be credited 
with haying been extraordinarily endowed with the 
ability to speak the langnages of all nations ; bnt the 
fact that he was aooostomed to speak, or ever spoke 
several of them, or any more than one of them at a 
time, if that is what we are to understand, is new to ns. 
Or if it be that St. Peter, whether speaking several 
langnages at a time, or onlv one, was heard and nnder- 
stood by a plurality of naaons all at onoe, the extraor- 
dinary gift of hearing and understanding which this 
implies on the part of those nations, is something equally 
oew. We would the Pops would take us with htm, as 
A/^(<^sa];s; what means His Holiness? Sa Gsobos 
Bowtxb will perhaps explain in a letter to the TimU ; 
and, while his hand is in, be so good as to mentaon also, 
fur our better satisfaction, if he can tell, whether the 
Holy Father, when he made the statement that St Peter 
spoke to soTeral nations at onoe, was standing or sitting ; 
as the view to take of it might be materially modified by 
the knowledge of the circumstance that it was or was not 
deUvered ex cathedrB. 



Olaim of Irish Oatholios. 

Ws won*t stand Mixed Education. 
What we want is Toleration 
Of that sacred resolution; 
You may call it Persecution. 



From'tlie lais. 



Is tiie nature of the struggle on the riyer between 
Oxford and Cambridge entirely changed this year P The 
inquiry ii not a supemnous one, seeing that in a notice of 
tiie doings of the representatiyes of the two Uniyenities, 
since they haye been at Putney, it is stated that the 
Oxford men ** were more at home at sliding." 



Notice fob Apbcl the Fibst.— The Poet Laureate 
nants on this day Poetic Licences to aU applying 
formally for the same. 



BALLAD POfi THB BRUTAL CLASSES. 

AiroTHBB of our species, for addin' force to plunder. 
Dear friends, has been compelled his great mistake for to bewalL 

Call robbeiT with violence no crime, for 'tis a blunder. 
He found that out last week when he was flogged in Newgate GaoL 

The Court gave forty lashes, inhuman to another. 
With five years' penial servitude besides, for what he done, 

Which sentence was inflicted without mercy on our Brother. 
He underwent the punishment of forty stripes save none. 

He 'd made his mind up for to bear his pain wltii resignation ; 

And for a time succeeded in suppressm' every sign. 
But soon become unable for to stand the flagellation, 

And then for mercy did begin to bdler and to whine. 

From Holbway Gaol on purpose they had fetched two sturdy 
warders. 

As Calorafi isn't quite the man he used to be afore, 
And they let him have it hot and hot. aocordin' to their orders. 

One gave him twenty lashes, and the other twenty more. 

The stinging cat-o'-niae-tails occasioned him contortion. 
As far as the confinement of the whippin'-stocks allowed. 

To see him writhe and wriggle to spectators was a caution. 
Whilst he yelled, and howled, and hoUer'd, and with tears 
repentance vowed. 

To put down all mrottin' seems the Judges' resolution, 
Tbe lashes has been raised now from two dozen to two score. 

And which was the whole number carried into execution. 
If forty doesn't answer, they no doubt inll make it more. 



Awaitin' of his sentence in raol upon conviction, 
The terrors of the sorroirful garotter is unknown. 

And Ho, what must his feelins oe whilst under its infliction, 
'Tis best to use no violence, but robbery abne. 



A SICASH FOB THE SPIRITISTS. 

Pboplb who profess to put their faith in Spirits, should pav a visit 
just now to the Crystal Palace. Mbssieubs SiASKBLTBE and Cooke 
there hold a sianee daily, and do wonders in the way of rapping, 
ringing, rope-tying| table-raising, and the rest of it Without the 
help ox tricksy spirits, they do all the clever tricks attributed by 
Spiritists to the agency of Spirits ; and do them not in total darkness, 
but in blazing gauight With his hands fast tied behind him, Mb. 
CooKB takes off Ids tail-coat in six seconds, and in six more puts it 
on again ; and Mb. Maskeltkb, who measures abput Ave feet eight 
in iMigth, crams himself into a box which is only three f^t long, 
and twen^ inches wide, and then covers it with canvass, and knots 
a cord inside. 

Unbelievers as we are in the tales of table-turning, we rejoice to 
see the tables turned upon the turners, and we return our hearty 
thanks to Mbssieubs Mabkeltite and Cooke for showing us con- 
clusively that many so-called spirit movings are merely feats of 
muscle, and that simpletons who put their trust in the Spirits of the 
Spiritists, are not above proof of bdng simply humbugged. 



auBSTiov P 

Mbs. Malapbop desires to know whether the big statue adorning 
Hyde Park Comer is included in the law list of *' Statues at 
Large"? 



186 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[ALlboh 22, 1873. 




THE SPIRITUAL ART OF SINKING. 

E hare, it appears, heathen 
in onr midst, not only at 
Whitechapel and there- 
abouts^ but likewise at 
Camb^idi^e ; and there not 
only in the Borough, but 
in the UniTersitv too. A 
paragraph in the Times 
annonnoes that the Bishop 
OF Ely and Bishop 
CLArGHTOK, assisted by 
•ome neighboaring olergy- 
men, haye been holding a 
number of ''Mission Ser- 
▼ioes" for the benefit of 
both Town and Cbwn; 
speoial addresses having 
been delivered to both 
men and women, and, at 
the request of students, 
members of the Univer- 
ii(n^. sorrioes haying been 
held in College rooms; 
besides all which, open- 
air preaching has been 
oonduoted in BamweU ; 
where, aa elsewhere, let us 
hope that it will haye led 
to practice. That the 
discourses delivered by the Eight Reverend Prelate and their 
reyerend ausliaries to both undergraduates and townsfolk were 
of a highly practical natore as a rule, may be inferred from 
their connection with certain proceeding, which seem to have 
constituted rather an exception. '* On Friday afternoon there was 
a conference in the Town Hall, the subject being ' The Deepening of 
Spiritual Life.' " This statement is unaccompanied b^ the expla- 
nation it requires. What can " The Deepening of Spiritual Life " 
possibly mean f The heightening of spiritual me one understands ; 
but can hardly understand its de<^peniDg, unless in a sense appa- 
rently not contemplated by the Bishop of Ely and the assembly 
over which his Lordship presided ; namely, that of depression, as 
opposed to eleyation— a spiritual alacrity at sinking. 

The deepening of spiritual life is a phrase which maybe considered 
to haye been illustrated by Milton m plain English, as well as in 
grand poetry;, where he makes a Spirit, whose spirituality is under 
zero, complain of being situated at a profundity such that, eyer 
sinking, he has "in the lowest deep a lower deep" still yawning 
beneath him. Of course the roiritu^ life which goes on deepening 
in this way is just that from which ministration towards the rescue 
of their fellow-creatures, as well as endeavour to obtain their own, 
is supposed to be the reason of all clergymen's existence. 

When the Pilgrim, in the song, runs up the mountain shouting 
** Excehior / " is that imperfect Latinist to be taken as symbolising 
the deepening of spiritual life? in that case, deepening means 
increasing altitude ; and certainly a hill is as deep as it is high : so 
is a river or a bowl of punch, or anything else. To deepen, accord- 
ing to Db. JoHKSoy, in a secondary sense, is *'to make sad or 
gloomy." We should be glad to be aseiured that a moody countenance, 
and black looks, betokening low spirits, are not the characteristio 
symptoms of that deepening of spiritual life which was canyassed 
the other Friday at the obrical conversazione in the Cambridge 
Town Hall. Those are the physiognomical indications of adyanoed 
atrabiliousness, of which a suspicion may be entertained by many 
that the deepening of spiritual lif^ is one of the forms. In that 
case, certain doses of calomel, blue-pill, taraxacum, or podo- 
phyllin, might be recommended in oases of the deepening of spirijtual 
life ; an affection expressed in terms of art seeming rather to sayour 
of the religiouB noyel than of the formularies of the Church of 
England. 

The XaxL in PoateMion. 

AccoBnusTG to a letter from Berlin, Painob Bibhaeok will not 
consent to the complete evacuation of French territory until the 
whole of tiie indemnity is paid. In the meanwhile^ if there were 
any such wise men— well, let us say wiseacres, in the French 
National Assembly aa there are in another place, perhaps, some 
of them would propose the aboliti<m of capital punishment on the 
ground that France has too much of an execution in the house 
already. 

**Thi Bb8t AiTD CffiKAPsat EotTTK YOK Iitja.4in> "^eyldcntly 
meaning the Potato. 



"A CLERK THESE WAS OF OXENFOfiDB.'' 

Chauesr. 

Itfi. PuKCH is gratified at reading in the Era that a banquet has 
been giyen to Mr. John OxbnYokb. and that his portrait has also 
been presented to him. The majnrity of those who rendered these 
tributes are connected with the Drama. Literature, howeyer, also 
owes a debt to a scholar of varied aooomplishment, a humorist of 
the best type, and, let Mr* Punch add. in th<we davs of " graphic 
slip-slop,'^ a writer of pure and admirable EnglisL Mr. P. fills 
his own glass to Mb. 0., and ere emptying it, winks, which other- 
wise unjul^flable demonstration implies a demand when Mr. Oxbk- 
FORDintendi to publish anything mora of a BAbelaisian character. 
'Tia " looked for at his hand." This laid, Mr. Punch who is every- 
thing as well as critical, but can also be that, would note that the 
gentleman who proposed Mr. Oxsnyorb^s health indsted on a fact 
in whidi that gentleman's very highest excellence does not seem 
to lie. " It was a proud thing for him to remember that he had 
never drawn a tear from one man, woman, or child whom he had 
had, in the course of a long career to pats Judgment upon in his 
official capacity." It is a natural thing that to a theatrical gentle- 
man this should seem a yerv proud thing. Well, as regards '* woman 
or child," let that pass. No one would willingly make either cry, 
except for Joy. But as regards '* man"— well. Firstly, a man who 
blubs oyer anything that can be written against him is a booby whom 
it were gross flattery to Call an ass, so we have no oompassion for 
him. But Sf^oondly, who or what is an actor that he is not to be 
treated as honestly and severely as a Painter, Sculptor, Author, 
Composer, or any other artist P why is he not to be flarellsted, if 
he deseryes it P Echo answers that she has not the slightest idea. 
But as regards Mr. Oxekford's criticisms, the truth is that he is 
a master of the EngllBh language, and his criticisms on stupidity, 
or vulgarity, or negligence are so deftly conveyed, that while they 
are perfectly lucid to those who read between the lines, a stupid, 
vulgar, or negligent person fails to comprehend that he is being 
scarified. The educated public is informed, and our '* blubbing" 
friend is still happy. Mr. Oxsnford is too well aware of his critical 
responsibilities to evade his dut]r« and those who **are not simple 
men " admire alike his perspicacity, and his subtlety of literary urt. 
There, that 's Mr. Punches speech for the Oxenford banquef^, and 
now he pledges his friend J. 0. in a cup like unto that of one Friar 
John of the Funnels. 



LIBERTY AND LICENCE. 



Theatrical Managers in general seem pretty well oontent, on the 
whole, that plays ana playhouses should continue to be licensed' by 
the Lord Chaiorrlain. They do not, apparently, want a Licen- 
sing Act passed for the increment of their liberties. They are not 
so anxious to be put, as to their licences, on a footin^^ with the pub- 
licans, as they should be, if, as we are told, the Public-house Licen- 
sing Act " works well." No doubt they would find a Playhouse 
LicensiDfi" Act **work" equally **well" in the estimation of the 
Prigs and Precisians of the Sabbatsrian persuasion, most of whom 
would like to see theatres shut up as well as tevems on every day 
of the week as well as on Sunday, and who will soon, perhaps, begin 
to agitete for a Permissive Prohibitory Act to prohibit not only 
" intoxicating " liquors, but dramatic performances too. 



No 2>emand for Salmon. 



In a summary of the proceedings of the House of Commons on the 
eventful night when Mr. Gladstoitb announced the resignation of 
the Ministry, it was not surprising to read at the close, that ** No 
attention was paid to an entreaty from Mr. Dillwtk that he might 
be permitted to carry his Salmon Fisheries Bill a formal stage on." 
Members had other fish to fry. Official men had other fishes (and 
loayes) to look after. 

Something Bright in the Future. 

Matirpamilias, still mourning oyer her coal merchant's account, 
is most anxious that Parliament should not be dissolved before it 
has passed "the Fires Bill," which she was glad to see had been 
found so inteceating by the House of Commona that they read it a 
second time. 

Another Way. 

SoMKBODY is advertising a preparation which, among other merits, 
is warranted to keep a lady's hand free from chaps. Punch knows 
another way to efifbct this. Let her dress ^ the present fashion, and 
haye it known that she has no money. Chaps, if they are sensible 
chaps, will let her hand alone tery seyerely. 



March 29, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



127 




A CONSIDERATE HUSBAND. 

Young W^e. "*Joinbd the Junior Pahthbon?* 0, Alfred, tou said 

WHEN WB WERE KaRRDSD, TOTJ 'D NEVER CARS TO BELONG TO ANOTHER ClUB 1 " 

Alfred, "Yes, my Darling ; but I thought it would be so Nice for you, 
THE NEXT Thanksgiving Day, to have a good Window and first-rate 
Lunch ! I " 



DEAD OE DOEMANTP 

CoNCUBREVT Endowment hoif perf eotlr fair I 
Let Catholic teachers with Protestant share ; 
la its own Orhit eaoh Uniyendtv move, 
Or run, each hy each, in a parallel groove. 

Concurrent Endowment, how well it works, lo ! 
On Germany oast but a glance if jou 'd know. 
'Twould answer still better in Ireland, there 's hope, 
Where his Bishops are still more devout than the roP£. 

Concerning Endowment, imagine a claim, 

As matter of right, to a Catholic's name. 

Contested; the differing Doctors between 

Could the question be tried in the Court of the Queen ? 

0, no ! Not for Cullek I Before the Pope's throne 
On that point appeal could be carried alone. 
Concurrent Endowment in Ireland implies 
Therein Jurisdiction Concurrent, likewise. 

We here have no Bisicarck to handle the reins. 
And i^ort and shsrp pull up your Ultramontanes. 
Such shocking intolerance we never could bear, 
So Liberal John Bull is, and so doctrinaire. 

Mind, you, mio Bbn, to democracy did, 
The last time in office, concessbn outbid. 
When next, can we trust your assurance that you 
Won't outbid concession to Popery, too ? 



DANCING UNDEE DIFFICULTIES. 

Wb learn that at a ball given at Washington to cele- 
brate tiie Prb8IDSNT*8 ''inauguration," as the penny-a- 
liners term it^ 

" Ladles danced in bomiets and fiui. Gentlemen wore hats 
and orerooats eren at the supper-table. Bitter blasts blew 
throuth the flags and draperies, and drore most of the company 
homelong before the chilly night was oyer/^ 

A cool reception this, a joker might remark: but it 
must be past a joke when Jack Frost thus makes himself 
a Master of the Ceremonies, and turns a pleasant dance 
into a perfect snow-bsJL One would widi, if one were 
present; that one had the wand of Harlequin to make 
a change of scene ; or it would be better stilL perhaps, 
if in such a frozen ball-room one could suddenly turn 
Cloum^ and brihg in a hot poker. 



UEBI ET OREL 

Thxbb is an Old Gentleman sits on a Hill. 

(By the last Eoman mail, he was sitting there still- 

Ihero 's but one Hill now. whero once were seven)- 

And he caUs himself the Vicegerent of Heaven. 

Thence, East and West, and South, and North, 

Much brutumfulinen he thunders forth. 

At Princes and Peoples, and Kingdoms and Kings, 

Lay-thought, Light, Reason, and other things. 

Which sUmd in this Old Gentleman's way, 

And pooh-pooh his infallible say I 

For this Old Gentleman flatters himself 
He locks all Trnth on his cupboard-shelf ; 
And keeps the keys of Heaven and Hell, 
And oonsdenoe of Kings and Nations as well ; 
That whithersoever, JBx-Cathedrd, 
His will may point, there lies the way ; 
That wheneW he says '* Thus it is," His thus. 
Singing, *' Semper, ubique^ ah omnibui ; " 
And so this Old Gkoitleman sits on his Hill, 
In the teeth of the times proclaiming his inll. 

But much AS this Old Gentleman may 

Atop of his Bill have it all his own way, 

>Tis not the less true that, beyond his Hill, 

Light still is light, and Reason still 

Is reason, whate'er this Old Gentleman's will ! 

That Kings decline to Priests to yield. 

And narrow the fence of the old Churoh field ; 

That mora and moro The Church's fight 

With the State is a strife twist dark and light ; ^ 

And though all's not light that for liffht is shown, 

None wish to change even half-light for none. 



Once this Old Gtotleman saw, around. 

Naught but bowed heads, uncrowned and crowned : 

But, one by one. the crowned heads have dropped off. 

Some with a sign, and some with a scoff, 

G^ now, about the Old Gentleman's chair, 

Tlie deuce a head with a crown is there I 

But an. epicene crowd of skirmish-fighters. 

In petticoats^ priests' birettas, and mitres, 

"EtuSh mumblinig Us hocus-pocus charm. 

With his conjuring-books beneath Ms arm ; 

Of Fathers and Casuists large provisbn. 

All in the latest Jesuit edition ]— 

Some, plain Roman calf, without letters, confined in, 

And some, in BituaUst half-binding : 

But Uie bolder their hocus-pocus tncks. 

The greater the poor Old Gentleman's fix I 

For all the brisker they bid him ban. 

The less the Old Gentleman feels he can ; 

And the louder they make their old lion roar. 

Echo but mocks him, more and moro ; 

Till, at eaoh newpeal of Yatioan thunder. 

Says Europe, " Wliat old scold 's that. I wonder P " 

Of late, Uiey thought a bolt had struck, 

And kneelea to give thanks for a stroke of lack, 

When, by the blast of the Pope's brass band. 

At wave of Cullisn's staff of command. 

An Ul-bidlt Liberal wall was brought down. 

In an avalanche, on Gladstone's crown. 

But, bless the Old Gentleman, if he dreams 

That ^Aa^ will forward his Vatican schemes I 

Rather twixt them and us 'twill fix 

A higher fence of good English bricks, ^^ 

Than the six feet of ill-set Irish stone, < ^^^r-\cs\c> 

Which, all things considered, is better o'erthrown. J V Lv^ 



VOL, unv. 



128 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



[Maboh 29, 187a 




PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EAyauiLLiSE yourself, 
Madam r the comedy c^ 
Much A do About 2V5>- 
ihing hm been played 
and withdrawn, and 
tbB Westminster Ma- 
li ager bus announced 
AU's WvU that Ends 
WeU, 

Mr. Punch had 
some thauj^t of stop- 
ping here, and leaving 
those Hues as his 
EsAenm for the Week. 
Bat you are kind 
enough to say, and 
wise etiotigh to know 
thftt it ia (food for you 
to hear him talk, and 
therefore he will ex- 
Xi4:rand the story of the 
Ketiri^ment and Be- 
tuj*n of M tu Glajdstoitb 
at a little more length, 
and with aome of Mr, 
Punch^a accustomed 
foli^iitiea of illustra- 
tion. 

On the afternoon of 
Monday, the 17th of 
Match, Sd-int Patrick's 
Dajf the Lords met, 
but Earl Graittillb 
fot rid of them in 
twenty mLnutes, ask- 
ing them to coaie 
a^da on the Thursday. 
The Dcils Of RiCfH- 
^ojn> AND Lbnhox 
entirely approved this 
course. 

In the CommotUL Mb. GLABsroms, " stepping into his place from behind the 
pxaker's chair " (tiiis is very important, and we hope, dear Madam, that you 
rill remember it, for no step u Mn. Gladstoihs's career should be unnoticed), 
lade a short speech. 

He had been passing Sonday in the eountry. He might have said, but did 
ot, that he had been 

" At CliTedsn's proud alcove, 
The bower of naughty SHaxwdBTiaT and Ioto." 

While in tiiat alo«Te he reoeiTed an intiaation from the Quvks to the effect 
bat Mr. Disraeli would not make a imw Ministry. Hbr Majbstt graciously 
iquired, therefore, whether Mr. GLADtroKB wonild resume office, and to this 
e replied that he would, and ako that he would asoertsdn from his late ool- 
3agues how far they were disposed to do the some. He proposed that the 
louse should again adjourn until t^ Thursday, in order to give him time to 
lake arrangements. *' For there is a form in these things, Madam, there is a 
3nn,'' as Ladf/ Blarney sayi ; or is it Miis Skeags f The moral is the same. 

Mr. Disrarli said that he MKrald be silsnt. That is, he would defer explana- 
Lons. Bat he begged that it might be distinotiy undentood that he had at 
Boe informed Her MAJEsrr that he was ready to make a very good Ministry, 
ut that he oonld not work with the present House of Oommons. 

Mr. GLADSToms repeated that it was not until Sunday that he had abandoned 
lie expectation that Mr. Disrabu would make a Ministry. 

Then we all went away. Jfr. Punchy whose every aet must be interesting to 
ou, Madam, prooeeded to dine with .the Lord Mator at the Mansion House. 
!he banquet was served in the Long Parlour, which has been re-decorated, with 
Gtste and splendour, by Mieagiifl- Gillow, and the vn^nu was perfect. As, 
owever, the season was that of Lent, Mr. Punch of course felt bound to 
Bstrain his somewhat Epicurean tendencies, and he confined himself to one 
late of tartue, two of tortue claire^ some flleta de truite a la Tartars, some 
rhitebait, some timbale d'icrevissss, a few mauviettes out oi a loyelj ponding, 
yme j'amhon au vin, a slice of dindonneau piquS, some Marrow-Padding, which 
iie Scotch bard has worthily celebrated as 

<* My winsome Marrow," 

)me poitdinp a la Nesaelrode, and some anchois en canapS (this is a very pretty 
ray of putting it, but the canapS is toast), with a few other trifles. He compli- 
lents liiESSRS. Rare & Brtmbr on the elegance of the feast, and he gratefully 
lianks the Lord Mator for having discouraged something, and encouraged 
smething else, to which things (the party noj; having been an official one) 
Ifr. PuncKs sense of propriety prevents his makmg further allusion ; but those 
rho are in the habit of ** sitting at good men's feasts ^ will easily be able to say 
rhat it is the greatest bore to have, and what to lack. 



Now, Madam, are you familiar with Gowpsr's poems P 
If not, pray bec9me so. Bat you almost indignantly 
replv that of course you are. Very good. Then you 
reeolieot a passage in Retirement f The patriot states- 
maa resolves to leave office and go into the country. 

« 'TLb done— he steps into the welcome ohaiBe, 
Lolls at his ease behind four handsome bays,*' 

("Bays" means horses, but Mr. GLADSioins moit 
likely took the G.W.R.) 

<* Which whirl away from husineis saJ debate 
The disencumbered Atlas of the State.*' 

,(" Self-made men" will please to understand that 
"Atlas" does not mean a book of maps. There are 
none at the Treasnry— though plenty at the Foreign 
Office,— and, if there were, Mr. Gladstovx would not 
think it right to take them out of town with him.) 

Well, the country stagnation— miscalled repose— soon 
begins to pall upon the brilliant man of the world, and 



jathisfadedjeyi, 
A secret thirst f^ his reaoanced employs. 



<<Ee feels, while 
A secret thirst for his reaoanced employs. 
Blames his own indolenoe, obserrea, tho* late, 
'Tis criminal to leaye a sinkinc State ; 
Flies to the Uv^e, and^ reeeired with grace. 
Kneels, Idsses hands, and shines again in plaee." 

Mr. Gladstokb certainly had not muc^ time to get 
tired of the country, but the rest of the story is suffi- 
ciently apf^cable, and. Madam, whether m quotation 
exaoily fits or not is of no consequence. It is the poet's 
fault if he has not written with accuracy, it isyonr busi- 
ness to show that you have read the poet, and have a 
Maoanlayish memory. 

rAiirsday.— There were Ministwrii] explanations in 
the Lords, but you do not want the stey twioeover, and 
the Leaders in the Commfios wat mxLch men explsaatory 
than tke aristocrats. 

Ctoodi Mr. Glabstoitb. We will resuma our offices. 
(Cheers,) I did not quite uadentaiid Mr. Dibrabli's 
written reply to the UuBEir, and I wrote this to Hbr 
Majbstt. On Friday evening I was satisfied that he had 
unconditionally refused office. But I drew up a paper 
on the subieot, which I sent to the Qubbn, who gave it 
to him. He forwarded his answer to Hbr Majbstt on 
Sanday evening. [After church, we hope.] When I 
reoeived it, I saw that it was unequivocaL 

Now Mr. Gladstoitb, it seems, holds that an Oppo- 
sition has no right to give a fatal vote, unless prepared 
to take the place of the men put out. This view he, 
being desirous to put Mr. Disraeli in the wrong, pre- 
sented to the QuBBN. But Mr. Disrabli is particularly 
ready with an answer, and he responded vigorously to 
Ma. Gladstokb, in another paper sent to Hbr Majbstt. 
Mr. Punch, as the QdBBB's private and personal friend, 
begs leave to intimate that it is too bad of these two 
gentlemen to trouble the Qubbn with their views. Let 
tnem fight matters out in the House, and not at 
Windsor. 

The Prbiobr did not disguise the fact that he had 
desind rest, and thought that he had earned it. Also 
he admitted that the lortunes of a Revived Government 
were not very good. Touching this he quoted Horace, 
Liber iiL, Carmen v. 

*^ Neque amissos ooIoms 
L*ma refert medicata fuoo ; 
Nee vera virtus, cum semel ezcidit, 
Curat reponi deterioribns.^^ 

You understand every thing. Madam, and need not 
to be told (yet we tell you) Horaob's meaning is that 
when wool has been once dyed, no washing thereof will 
entirely restore its delicate whiteness. The quotation 
in itself was h^>py, bat does Mr. Gladstovb wish his 
Administration to be known aa the ** Washed-Oat 
Ministry"? 

Qe distinotiy declared that he had no intention of dis- 
solving early, or at any particular time. He should 
proced with business on the old principles, and he 
trusted to have the confidence and support of the House. 

Mr. Disrabli spoke at great length. He had some- 
thing to do besides make explanations. He had to talk 
to the Nation. He had to show what humiliations and 
torturings he should have had to undergo had he taken 
office with a hostile majority of 88 to 90. There was no 
common bond, he said, between him and the Irish, who 
had enabled mm to defeat the Government. Nor did he 



Haboh S9, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAMVARL 



129 



'seehiawaytoadifsolntion. WhatwashetodiflBolyenponF AdiBsoln- 
tion would not haye been jostified. Nor waa he bound to take offioe* 
An Opposition oonld not haye a matured polioy to be ready at a 
moment's notioe, when an acddent might defeat a Ministry. He 
had already tried the experiment of jroyeming with a minorify, and 
he waa not going to do it again. The Gfoyemment, howeyer, had 
had no business to resigxu They knew that they meant to sacrifice 
educational interests to the Komish hieramy, and they had 
expected the yotes of all the Catholic Memlers, Hcrwerer, I^k. 0la b- 
siovx had made it a gnestkn of honour ; th&t h&d been Tindieatedt 
and now let him return to hbwork. Then the Leader of Oppoaitien 
pronounced an euloginm on the Tory party, which, he said, held the 
most satisfactory poaitkai it had fiUed dnca th6 time c>f mjl. Fitt 
and Lonn Gbsntxlul Financial aueBtious were ail lettled, hot 
now all our institntuns were menaced— the rij^bts of tbe Grown, the 
existence of an ariatocracy, of the Church* of Property in Land, and 
these will become great and burning qneAtiona. Th^ will eoiD€ the 



time for a great, ialeDigaBt, and organised Party to step fcyrward m 
the ffuardian of NatMsal Interests. 

After this there waa seme Mudl talk, and the House waa Canted 
Out early. And* to pnndf gpsd old GsAxrcxx, Madae, 
are sore yon never read the arigina],— 

•< Tim Bnr jAMm hi« William doU^ defjr, 
Bat WnxiAM ia once more set ap on bi^ ; 
lad PAsmr's piesta lament the imi>4fri Weaeh : 
Xbst tale it done. Heayen save as all and each!" 



F^FHi&Sf.— The Lsrda wisely stayed at 



aot af[the'w»j of the 



sayage March wind ;— we admire CAiroir Einoslet to excess, hn 
the encouragement he has ^yen to this abominable blast woul 
make us remonstrate with him, but that it has ^ot into our thros 
and depriyed us of the power of ol^vgatiosL His health, in a cq 
of iine old grueL 

In the CoBOMDa, Ms. Batkoehe HAxmr noyad a Beeolutio 
about the Geneya Aibitraton' interpretation d the Thiae Bules, o 
which ho, wishes Hie MAJsarr'a disapprobation to be dedsred t 
all natiapa in general, and AmeriMin partieakr. 

Now tesMihinf 'fluit Geneya deeiaim Mr. JPumch has no desire t 
say aiiythittg unplaaaant. The bwriasss ia dona, and kt us hay 
done witAi the basoHa. But it k kaawa in 0assety that yery big 
authority does ntothaHtate to say irary wralaanait thtncs indeed o 
thaaal^t. Tour ^finger toymnrnoaa*^--'wabetMUMn~'*you 
Up, thai,'' Madam, lerlSe] --a »--« 



The qoeetaBii waa debated at gmtki«!h,niwi«habilxty. Vi 
Fonaisa said tknt the yata wvnld be ana of aensaare on the Arbi 
tratsrs, and ha did nut tUdc that ae«ne wvold be di^ed 
Moreoyer, wa ware not bound, lor Hm fatm, by anything th 
Arbitrators had aaid in eoDoasa «f tibafar Commission. Some stron 
men spoke, and, in Ihs eoid, Mb. Qlajmooke imdertook that whe; 
other nations were asked to aaacpt the Rules, they should be ''die 
enanmbered of reeitalg." Bather a dull story, dear Madam, an 
the House relieyed its mind by aoBM fieroe little diyiaions, on Supplj 
We sat till nearly two, tiiwigh. and then fled away into the QMtk 
ness and the winda, l&a l^miaf Loyen «i the Eye of St Agnes. 




BLUE RIBBONS. 

HB'Oxfcrd and Cam- 
bridge Boat Bace, 
the freatest eyent 
of the year after, 
or rather, before 
pt^' ^*^:^^;erth ^ ri^ ^he Budget and 

^^^ ^A^ ■■ JhAJ^L rawed on Satarday 

af termxm, the 29tn 
inett a weak earlier 
th&n usuaj, for solid 
reaeoD^ connected 
with the time of 
high-w£Lter at Lon- 
don Bridge, which 
the Editor of the 
Nau ilea I A fmanctck 
will be happy to 
explam to anyone 
who may fayour him 
with a call on the 
^ ^. ^ „ „ , « „ following Tuesday. 

The YioO'Chanoellort, Heads of Houses, Doctors, Proctors. Prof easors, and 
other eminent dignitaries of the two Uniyersities, eaoorted by a guard of 
honour composed of gentlemen m itatu pupiUari^ will take their plaMs in the 
seats set apart for them by the Thames Conseoryaney, punctually at the hour 
appointed by Conyocation, wet or dry. The Crewman oration, in accordance 
with ancient custom, will then be deUyered by a member of the Oxford crew. 
(N.B. No CoUeotion.)! 

Immediately afterwards, the Yiee-Chanoellon will Srop their handkerchiefs, 
and the struggle will commence. 

The two boats are teak-built, lined with aatin-wood, and registered at 
Lloyd's as Al. One of the Elder Brethren of the Trinity House will act as 
Starter, the Fissi Lobd of thb ABiOBALTr will officiate as Judge, and the 
Judge of the Admibaltt Cottbt will be presoit as Umpire. The result of the 
race will be proclaimed from Hammersmith Bridge by Blue ManUe. The 
course will be the same as usual— riding, driying, or steaming down, lunohiog, 
laughing, dirtiny, betting, cheering, steering, af tenuxm tea, dining, dancing, 
glancing, and going home when it is time to return. 

The Railway arrangements for the day may be known on personal application 
at the different Bookmg-offioes and the Board of Trade, and by reading the 
placards displayed at the yarious Stations north of the Thames and south of 
the Trent. Special trains may be engaged by those wilUng to pay for them. 

Dunuff their stay in London and the suburbs, the following places of amuse- 
ment will be thrown open to the two Uniyersity erews, Jree of charge^ on 
showing their colours and eertifieate of matrieulation— tibe British Museum, 
Uie Na^n^ Gallery, the South Kensington Museum, the Law Courts, and .the 
Rf ral -Kxchange. If the erews can arrange to yisit Westminster Abbey and 
St. Paul s, m company, a reduction will be made in the usual scale of charges. 
Application to be made to the Verger in residence. 

All persona intending to be present at the raee, who are not thoroughly well 
acquamted with aquatic sports, are urgently recommended to giye their nights 
snd days to the study of the snorting papers, so that they may be able to dis- 
tinguish one end of the boat (either Oxford or Cambridge, it makes no difference) 



from the oUisr, to aocplain the use and oonstructio 
of the new ^'patent aEding seats," and ayoid the la 
mentable enar of aonfouni&g the coxswain with th 
stroke. Th^ diould also dismiss from their minds a] 
prejudices in iayour of one Uniyersity oyer the other- 
shunning any smii acBspianous symbol of jpartisanshi: 
aa A broad band of blue ribbon round their hata- ani 
aeneraUy striye to conduct tkemaelyes as Britons, wh 
for many oenturies past haye been in the inyariable hab i 
of ruling the wayea. 

No prophecy, prediction, or other yatioination wi] 
be hazarded here aa to the result of the race, the choio 
beinpr so yery restricted, lying between but two opposinj 
parties. Oxford may win, if Victory should once mor 
smile on the Dark Blue, or the success of Cambridg 
may be a mathematical certainty if Fortune again prefer 
the lighter shade in ribbons, silks, and other mfteria] 
for ladies' dresses ; or both may didm a triumph if th 
race should proye a dead heat. But one thing is deai 
that, allowing for accidents, the best men are sure t 
win ; and if anyone is not satisfied witb this signifioan 
hint, let him be at Comey Beach or the Soap Work 
during business hours between now and then^ and watcl 
the course of eyents with the acumen of a Judge, th 
impartiality of a critio, and the fiald-glass of an; 
respectable optician. 



Oe&oine Xrisb Grieiyaiioe. 

An Irish grieyance. which may be fdt, although i 
has not been expressed, is a form of oatii which, pecu 
liarly constituted as the national mind of Ireland is 
oompds a large proportion of the jurors of that countr; 
yery frequency to incur the disrepute, in prejudices 
British opinion, of committing perjury. They haye ti 
swear that they will ** a true yerdict giye, aooordinsr t 
the eyidenoe.'' Jnatioe to Irelaod clearly acquires that 
in the IriiA juryman's oath, for *'aecordmg to th 
eyidenoe" should be substituted '* according to the reli 

fiou of the parties concerned and the direction of you 
riest." 

]Proap6rity on Paper. 

UirBSR the able management of our CHAiircELLOB oi 
THE £xcHXQT7E&, the Bcyeuue amounts to the amazini 
total of £76,000,000. Happy we. What a prodigiously 
wealthy nation! Perish indiyiduals. A surplus o 
nearly fiye milliona sterling lor us all, and a coal an( 
meat famine for eyery one. 



A. SEbOySN'S PUUU 

Comfort beforeostentation. Your outward H>Pocurano< 
necessarily afEects the consciousness only of other people 
but hj no reasoning whatsoeyer cul you dkmiis bodil] 
sensations from your own.-^ ^y ^^-^ ^^ O 



130 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[March 89, 1873. 




TOWN MOUSE AND COUNTRY MOUSE. 



UnsophiffticcUed Cousin, «• What do you msan "to be when tou Grow ttp, Jack ? ' 
Jack. **'0, /mean to be a Soldier; and tou shall be my Nurse." 
Uiisophisiicaied Cousin, '* Well, but Soldiers don't have Nurses, Jack I ** 

Jcuk. " 0, DOIf*T THBYy JUST I TSAT SHOWS TOU 'VB NEVER BEEN IN THE PARKS ! 
WITHOUT ONE I '* . 



Why, I don't Think I ever saw a Soldier 



THE WILD BIRDS' PETITION. 

Ws wild birds all, both great and small, 

Whoee names are hereto appended. 
To the Commons of Britain present, nnder- written, 

Oorprayer they will have amended 
The Wild Birds* Act, that from fiction to fact 

Its working may be extended. 

Thongh, measured by inches, we tits and finches 

The Birds' Lower nonse may ait in, 
If yon reckon our notes by the size of onr throats, 

I on 11 find fhey b7 no means fit in : 
Think how mnch and how long we have cheered with 
onr song 

The Commons of Great Britain I 

If larks and linnets, with whose field-spinnets 

Not even a Babbaob e'er meddled,— 
If blackbirds and thrushes, Mozarts of the bushes. 

By roughs for |>6nce now peddled, , 
Are not as deeerring of Law's presenriug 

As the birds in yoiir statute scheduled,— 

If starlings and sparrows of bows and arrows. 
Guns, and nets, must still go in danger— 

Of the numerous tits, if no spedes flits. 
To anprehension a stran^rer— 

If no dose-time gives these to take the ease 
Of the fearless feathered ran^rer,— 

If, spite of the aid of Pausst's maid. 

And the Oazza Zadra^s pleading, 
The magpie bold be left out in 1^ cold. 

And the jay left to lie bleeding, 



For his blue- wings' bloom, not himself to plume, 
But the hats of blondes unheeding— 

If the youthful rook have no right to look 

For protection from transportation 
Into pigeon-pie, but still must lie 

In risk of that transmutation ;— 
If the raven be left, on the charge of theft. 

To promiscuous condemnation— 

When snipe, swan, and duck, have had t^e luck 

To be placed beneath law's 8Bg;iSt 
Why the Act should cease this side wild-geese. 

We ask Her Majesty's lieges P 
With none of us meddle, or all of us schedule, 

Or our status you change in p^t<f • 

Don't call your Act an accomplished fact ; 

Its merits to mookerjr dwindle ; 
And those who framed it, should ne'er have daimed it 

As ground the hearts to kindle 
Of the feathered throng into grateful song. 

For what is but a shim and swindle I 

'Gainst which mockery hollow, we whose names here 
foUow, 

Hereto our claw-marks lay. 
Beseeching you hear, with attentive ear. 

What herein we sing and say— 
And we, your petitioners, fieLd-musicianen, 

Will ever gratefully pray. 

iffers foUow the signatures of many^ mittions of^ larks, Unneis. 
blackbirds f tits, 
ravens, 
o/the 
tian Saturday, March 15. 



e 



PUNCH, OB THB L05DON OHABPTARL— Mabot 89> 1878. 




<t 



WHAT THE DOCTOR SAYS." 



DoctobPuhch. "WELL, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE! NO BONES ARE BROKEN, BUT YOUJJ^j^^^C 
SHAKE; AND YOU MUST BE VJSSr CAUTIOUS FOR SOME TIME TO COME." O 



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Google 



Mabch id, 1873.] 



PmCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVARL 



133 



OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

Vmts the Queen^s, and, in reporting as tuual to the Editor, draws 
the attention of the ptiblie to a distinguiehed sporting character 
in the drama of *' Old London.'' 




Y Sir, I r^prea^nted Yon, the otte 
micH at the ilo/een't. Li^ me adriae 
krers oi the geanms old nielodmiiatic 
school of Burt to Bee Old London. 
J}if}k WrmteU ii played bv MiSS 
HoDSoif aa prettilj m thoagn, con- 
found him, he were * kd of most 
nnqnestionable morality. Keyer was there rooh a fasemating. 
worthlen. charming, unprincipled, amiable, wicked, dutiful, omel 
scamp. Miss Hodson's Dick is a sort of Aladdin Jack Sneppard 
Prince Hal Paul Clifford, all rolled into <me : indeed in the French 
oriffiaal Jack was disooTerad to be the heir to the Throne, and was 
only pardoned on condition of abandoning his claim. The Old Mint 
on Are is yery effeetiTe, and Old London Bridge, one of the best 
*' sets" seen for a long time, and an exciting sitoatum into the 



Int what especially took my fancy, as yonr RepreaentatiTe, and 
iHiat ought to draw to the Qneen's aU old and young London, all 



r all iiatrona of pi^Bon-shootinff , 
^ub is the astomahing pistol- 



middle-aged London, and 
sportsmen^ and members <u the Ghm 
practice oi Velvet Qrawl the TilUdn. 

The object of this weak-headed pecnm's fife ^he eridentiy being 
of a 8porttngturn--wa8, as I ga&ered from his actions, to shoot 
little IHcky WrasteU, whom he tmears to haye coniidered, perhaps 
bein^ misled by the name, as a Httie Dickj-bird. From morning 
to night the aim, literally the aim of his existence, was to catch the 
unwary Dick alone if possible, or, failing that, to naye ariiotathim 
in company; his diief point being to get within two feet of him any- 
where, an easy shooting distanccu which you might think would haye 
rendered the chance of his hitting him somewhere extremely pro- 
bable. Beyolyers not haying been inyottbed in those days, Grawl, 
I am sorry to say, must haye BofESared considerable inconyenience 
from tiie necessity of hayinr to proyide himself with, at least, six 
pistols, in order to get half-a-dozen shots ; and, at seyen for six- 
pence, I am bound to say he would haye made the fortune of any 
one speculating in the hire of firciarms ready-loaded. These weapons 
were craftily bestowed about his person, much as. I suppose, not 
being strictly in the secret, aconjnror conceals tiie fiah-bowi, cannon- 
ball, and canaries in a ca^. which he is presently goin^ to produce 
from under his handkerchief. But a oonluror thus rnrmshed cannot 
nt down. Now^theseinstols of tiie maxe of GsoBei thx Fibst's 
time were not light elegant little pea-shooters, a dozen of which 
could be carried in a ladrs reticule. Ko, tiiey were thin^ so con- 
structed as to render eyen momentary f or g etf u iness of their presenoe 
in your tailcoat pocket almost impossible, and interfered with the 
set of your clothes as awkwardly as a parcel containing a pair 
of boots. Like all true loren of sport. Velvet Qrawl could 
eyidently init up witii tiieae inoonyemenoes, proyided tiiat the sport 
itself occasionally came in his way: and only onee did I see Velvet 
Qrawl take a chair, and that was in Sir Handolph's study. 



whither he had come without his weapons, at least I suppose he 
must haye forgotten them (and didn't like to ask if he might 
send a seryant for them), from their not being employed by 
him, when a glorious opportunity offered itself, for a fair certainty, 
at three inches. Such a chance, thought I, you won't haye 
again, my friend. He did though, or yer^ nearly : but all Ihrourh 
tms scene he was scowling and mnfttermg to himself, probably 
confounding his ill-luok whioh had made him forget his pistols 
just when they would haye come in so handy, remindinig: me 
of the sentiments of a gentleman, who, after mature debate with 
himself as to whether he should walk o<^ with, or without his 
umbrella, decides for the latter, and is caught in a peltinff shower. 
I 'ye got no sort of doubt that Qrawl said to nimsdf before 
he left his own house, **Now, 1st me see, shall I want my 
pistols or shall I notP I might meet Dick on the way, and haye 
a shot, but it isn't yery likely. So on the whole I ^ oonsidBr this 
an off-day, and perhaps, as I am goin^to jmf a yisit, it will be more 
comfortable." So he left liiem behind nim. He was soon to be 
compensated, howeyer, for his oyersight, lor, in the yery next scene 
but one, he had a regular field-dinr of it. This came off ** in a cellar 
of the *Ma^ie and Stump.'" Mere Velvet Qrawl was perfectly 
reckless with pistol^. The oellar was as light as a Belgrayian 
Drawing-room on a bali-night, witii a fair sprinkling of company, 
who were eyidently accustoBed to Qrawl, and were prepared to 
humour his little ways of bringing out pistols and haying a pot-shot 
or two at anybody who miglrt offer himself as a tempting mark. 

The reason of this general toleration of his peculiar foible was 
soon apparent to the meanest capacity. 

Wh&teyer Veket QrawVs original intentions may hare been, he 
waa, practically, perfectly hamiless when trusted with loaded 
pistols^liiat is, jui/kx certain conditiona. Only me him a fair- 
sized person* in a moderately conspiouoas dress, piaeed in a good 
strong lifffat--broad da^riit pnlerred— and witota a foot of the 
munis of Us weapon, ana as sura as is a fallmg stone to obey the 
laws of pr a yitation, so certain was Veloeit Qrawl to miss the 
most obyiius shot It was a thousand pcnnds to a bread-crumb 
in fayour of the person at whom he aimed. No life Insurance 
Gompany of the period would haye refused Dick Wrastell on the 
sworn teistimony of any friend that Velvet Qrawl was going to shoot 
at him from all quarters, in all places, at any hour from 10 to 3, and 
eyery day in the year. '*He here I" exclaimed Velvet Qrawl, 
when, on seeing Dtck in the cellar, he was quite unable to repress 
his sporting instinct, and lugged out a pistol to haye a good steady 
shot at him. Old NoUehins baulked him, howeyer— a proceeding 
which had the character of obtrusiye friendliness, as it was really 
quite unnecessary, and certainly called for no gratitude on the part 
of Dick, who, with renrd to Velvet Qrawl and pistol-shootmg, 
miffht well say, *' My dear friend, let him go on ; it pleases him, 
ana it doesn't hurt m6." 

Presently Dick stood close at QrawVs elbow, and he aeyer had 
such a chance of a dead-shot as now, but for Diok^s unfairly inter- 
fering with the free action of his wrist. After this Qrawl was quiet 
for a few minutes, when suddenly the old uncontrollable desire 
seized him. and exclaiming, '* This time— now, at least, he shall not 
escape me," or wwds to that efiBoet, with wh&iidi he generallr pre- 
faced his yarious misses, he leyelled a pistol at Dia^ whien was, 
howeyer, gently taken from him and laid on the table. He yielded 
it without eyen the mildest protest, and thereby Your Bepresenta- 
tiye, Sir, was certain that he only did not couplain of the remoyal 
of nil playthings because he knew well enough "there were more 
where mat came from "—namely, his pocket. 

My diyinatum was cerreet Within fiye minutes he had hauled 
out another, a larger and more terrible weapon^that mifl^t haye 
done some seryice on a swiyel on the poop of an JSlizabetnan man- 
of-war, and there being this time no obstacle in the road, he biased 
away at Dick to his heart's content. '* Now," said I to myself, '* if 
he misses him this time he couldn't hit the Great Pyramid at six 
inches." Sir. Vehet Qrawl oould not hit the Pyramid at one inch 
distance. After this feeble exhibition, Dick, as might be expected, 
was more aHye than oyer, and^ taking up tiie old pistol from the 
table he pointed it at Qrawl, who lost the presenoe of as much 
mind as he had oyer possessed, forgot his store of weaponik and 
crediting Dick with a better eye for a mark than himsuf, obeyed 
that young gentleman's command, and descended by a trap-aoor 
into another oellar below this cellar, suggesting that eysn in this 
deq^ depth there was a deeper stilL 

In the Fourth Act he rushed down to Battersea with pistols, and 
a bludgeon, which conyinced me that repeated disappointments in 
shooting had affected his brain, and I should not haye been sur- 
prised had I on the next opportunity seen him tryfaig to take aim 
with a waUdng-stiek, or attempting to load a kitchen poker. 

I belieye, now, that this bludgeon was, after aU, only taken up in 
a moment of weakness and self-distnut. or, in a lucid interyal : 
either supposition being dependent upon the yiew adopted of Velve t 
QrawVs idiosyncrasy. He discarded the bludgeon when he went 



134 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[M4R0H 29, 1873. 




REASONABLE REQUEST. 

&CESZ—Sownds ramming ; mm putting up, and hesitating at itone vfall. ^ 

Very ToungLady (on clever Cob), •* Will those who Do not kk^n to Jump gbt out of thb Way for those who Do t" 



out on the riyer in a little boat with Sir Randolph^ and once more 
took to his pistols. 

Never, never, was there snoh a ohance as now ! Dickie boat had 
smashed, and Dick himself, in his white shirt-sleeyea, was standing 
in the angle of a bnttress of old London Bridge, and sheltered from 
Grawl by the side of the bridge itself. 

Never had this nndannted sportsman snoh an opportunity to dis- 
tingnish himself as now I I snonld not have bet on Dick naw^ nor 
wonld a Company have risked his premium. WhyP Because Grawl, 
in a boat, on the further side of the archway away from his victim, 
was compelled, by DieJ^s position in the an^le, to shoot at him from 
round the comer. Need I ws,j that he missed again, and again. 
Then he went away. I was anxious for his re-appearance, as I bcj^ 
to be fearful lest continued failure niight end in hopeless dejection, 
when he would ivrobably renounce pistol-shooting lor ever, and join 
the Society of Friends. 

No. In another quarter of an hour he was out ajpdn, bUzing 
awav; and where do you think P Why, of aU places in the worl£ 
on Hampetead Heath ! Now here was a fair field, and no favour I 
I was startled to find that a dense London fog had settled on thia 
suburban elevation. 

Tee, now at last I trembled for the lives of such of Knre GioBoi's 
subjects as business, or pleasure, might have brought into this 
locality. 

There were; as. it happened, numbers of people about on this foggy 
day, including vague members of tiie Bntish army— desarters. 
perhaps, or out for a few leisure hours with the donkeyS| and I 
shudderod, for never during the whole play, even when shooting 
round a right-angled comer, had Velvet Grawl been so trulv 
dangerous as now. What damage might not such a man do with 
a pistoLin a fog! And so, alas! it turned out. Grawl was 
^uite in his element, and having made up his mind that somebody 
in the fog was the object of his hitherto unrequited attentiooa, he 
made the usual speech about *' this time he shall not escape me," 
and fired— bang !— with the usual result as far as Dick was con- 
cerned, inasmuch tm hedid escape him, but with an unusual resolt 
as far as the sport went, as the bullet had taken deadly effect on 



NoUekins, between whom and Dick (for whom Grawl had mistaken 
him) there was about as much resemblance, physically, as between 
the Norfolk Giant and a Norfolk biffin. When Grawl returned 
(the fog having cleared off), to find that he had not made the bag 
he had intended, he lost all heart, and surrendered himself to the 
constables, by whom I trust he was led off gently to Bethlehem 
Hospitol, whwre. doubtless, he would be easily kept quiet by amusing 
him with Lowtner Arcade toy-pistols, with which ne could pop at 
the keepers from morning to night. 




0, my sporting friends, see Grawl, enjoy his bad shots, and applaud 
the genuine hit as heartily as did y^^^ Rkprbsehtativb Mijr. 



HIPPO-MAGNETISM. 



It is well to call the art of inducing sleep, sleep-waking, and 
other abnormal conditions of mind and Dody, Mesmerism, from the 
name of its inventor| Mbsmbr, rather than Animal magnetism. 
This latter denomination is best restricted to denote the magnetio 
influence exerted by the lower animals. The most remarkable 
instance of Animal Magnetism in this sense is presented by that 
noble animal, the Horse. The attraction which this quadruned 
acts on mankind withal far exceeds the strongest that any other 
creature has for our species. Almost all men, of what clutfaoter 
soeveri are more or less attracted by the norse; but among 
them it is notorious that the majority consists of persons whose 
character the horse's infiuence appears to lower exceedingly. Is 
there an analogy between Animal Magnetism, emanating from the 
horse^ and f notional electricity in respect of induction P A body 
positively dectodLfted induces, you know, a state of negative elec- 
tricity on another near it. Is the Noble Animal, by a corresponding 
magnetic action, apt to induce upon ostlers, grooms, jockevs, betting 
men, and even gentlemen so-called about him, a negation of nobility P 



le 



March 29, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON GHARIVARL 



185 




PICTURE-SUNDAY." 



ilt ii very diffieuU to hn&w exaeUy (ke ri^hi thing to say torn Artkt ab&ut his Piotwres. Ws 
recommend unlimited praise ; biUdonot enter into details.) 

" 0, Mr. Robinbon ! your Piotttrbs are quitb—too^moms tbjjt LovxlyI Surely 

YOU ABB THE QBEATS8T ARTIST THAT ETBR LiVED t ARE YOU NOT? OAimiDLT t*^ 

" WsLL, I don't know. There was Michael Anoelo, you know, and Hogarth, 



"0, YOUR PlOTURBS HAVE jLlL THE INBTFABLB BEVniXICBNT AND PURITr OF 

Hogarth, all the irresistible Humour of Michael Angelo, and—and— soxe- 

THINO QUITE TOJTR OWW, WHICH I KAYS MEVMR FMRCMIVMD IM TME W0BK8 OF MITBEB 
OF TBQSE MAETEES / '' 



AUSPICIOUS EVENT. 

Most people said, " How nice is 
The Muiisterial Crisis r' 

Though that event 

Of GoyenmieiLt 
Appeared incipient phthisis. 

Its havpr operation 
Betarded legislation 

A whole week's space ; 

A week of grace 
To this pwMT Prig-rnled Nation. 

Prore tme the fond impression, 
'Twfll diort haire ont the Session ! 

Thisliheitv 

Awhile will be 
Protected fromi 



Whose further proseeotion, 
Stop, tqpeedy DisaolntiMi. 

The right men send 
A House to neod 
Which needs reconstkation. 



THE SCHOOL OF THE STAKE. 

At tile late liTeipool CathoEo Club Dinner, the 
Papal Archtuahop made a ipee^ in which he said 
that 

" The great qaeetlon of edooatf on wbs of all the most 
bnining qimtion, and at the general elaetimi it behored 
Catholies to unto and to take dlBtinet polUieal action 
<mit." 

No ; the oroMtini has not Tet axrired at the ex- 
iatema$j of buniing. But that is not the fault of 
those 4)1 whoM tlie zeal is so exoeasiye that they 
EilQae to tdorste mixed eduoatioiL It appears 
not at all unlikely that, by uniting, and taking 
distinct action on the question which their Primate 
calls '* burning," could his followers succeed in 
obtaining a parliamentary majority, we should 
haye that question settled oy re-enactment of the 
statote De MmtsUco eamburondo* 



Ohemiatry of Law Beform. 

These is talk about a contemplated '' fusion of 
Law with Equity." Perhaps, if this be ^ected, 
the resultinjr amalgam will be innocent, or eyen 
salutary. Such is sometimes the case with a 
oompoimd the oonstitaents ol which are deadly 
poisons. _^ 

Claskcal Aim CdonnciAL.— Whkv is a blun- 
dering schoolboy like a fnmdulent shopkeeper P— 
When he mialDaa a f abe quantity. 



ULTRAMONTANE HISTORY. 

GiYXF, a Catholic TJniyersity of Ireland a hundred yean henee, 
with a Professorship of Modern ffistory, what are the students in 
that seat of learning likely to be taught to make out of the fdlowiuff 
telegram from Berne, preseryed, piradyenture, in some historicu 
record P— 

" The Goyermnent of Berne hare resolved to gOBpend all the Catholic 
Clergy who refuie to obey its deereea fbr carrying out the deciuon of the 
dioeeaan eonfemiee at Baale." 

Is it not possible that this statement will be quoted as attesting 
the fact of a persecution, A.D. 187S, in Switzerlimd as cruel as any 
endured by the ChristiaDs of the Roman empire under Nero and 
DiooLETiAirP jrai the Catholic underffraduates not be taught, 
a^or^gly, and that in perfect ^[ood faith on their teachers* part, 
that the Gbyemment of Berne, in announcing their intention to 
suspend the Catholic Clergy aboye referred to, threatened to hang 
them ? The foregoing telegram goes on to say that ninety-seyen 
ywSa, ha^g declared that they would pay no respect to orders 
issued by the ciyil authorities relattye to ecclesiastical matters, had 
all been •temporarily suspended." Can you not imagine that this 
will be taken and explained to signify that the ninety-seyen Catliolic 
martyrs were all of them hanged by the neck, but not till they were 



dead, haying iwx eat down while yet aHye, Ac, &o., as ihe 
Protestant English nuscreants under Jamrb ikb First seryed B.B. 
GtuT Fawkes and Gautbi P 



To tlie Sciontiflc World. 



It seems that tihere is a state of ozyvea na which posieues " a 
flarrour of lobsters," but, unfortunaMir, it has the drawbaek of 
being injurious, otherwise, in simh dear times as ours, loyers of these 
erustaooa might haye been glad to inhale it as a substitute for their 
fayourite shell-fish. Now that they are so costly, cannot some 
chemist dtseoyer a cheap and harmless gas which has a flsyour of 
oysters P 

A Family A&ir. 

In yiew of the scarcity of coals, the Oardeners* Majazine proposes 
the cultiyation of trees for fueL^ This, doubtless, is a promising 
speculation, and it may, perhaps, pay Posterity. But waose Pos- 
terity P Before planting an estate for Posterity, one would like to 
be quite sure that the properly would be preseryed for Posterity by 
the perpetuity of entau. 



136 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[HiBOB S9, 1873. 




WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK.'' 

ScaiiS— IHitriet Cowrt in a OciUmy. 

Scotch Judge (toith a very marked Pug-Nose), *^ WsBi^ koo, Sia, IF ye gas along the Bo'd in question, qwere*ll ye gang tab t *' 
Scotch Witness {deHberately), '* That a' defends, tbr Honour, on how fab tb oae !*' . . 

Judge {snappishly). ** Ye understait' vara weel. Sir. If te Follbr tbr Nosb, Mun, qwhere *ll tb gaxg till t ** 
Witness {after a pause). " Ah *VE always heer-ed it said, yer Honour, that if ye Poller yer Kose too far, it'll tak' ye 
the MooNl" * . 

Judge. " Step Doon, Sir I "— (/n an angry flwfefo).— " The Hon 's a FClb T . 



A DAY OF REST FOR ALL. 

The National Bonday League,' under the preddan^ of Lobd 
Akbbbley, at the Honis Tayem, Kennington, the other daj, re- 
Bolyed on sending a petition to the Honie of Commons for tho 
owning of Mosenms and other similar institutions on Sundaj 
aitemoonB. Lord Ambkhlbt made a suggestiye remark :— 

** He wouljl jie]4 to no one in his desire that one day out of the seTen 
should be obserred as a day of rest, but he did not admit it to be an abaolate 
neoessity that every person diould rest on the same day." 

To every thinking and unpreiudioed mind this, surely, must 
appear a yery just obseryation. Our fellow-suhjeots inolude Jews 
and Mahometans. Do they ei^'oy freedom of oonsoienoe when, 
whilst their own religions compel them to rest, respeotiyely, on 
Friday and Saturday, our own Sabbatarian law compels them to 
rest on Sunday tooP Against opening Museums and Picture GaUeries 
on Sundays the only serious objection that can be alleged, the inter- 
f erenoe with the Sabbath of officials employed to attend in them« 
would be obyiated by the employment of a few supernumerary 
Mussulmans or Hebrews. Both the Children of Israel and the 
Votaries of Mahomet would be glad enough to be engaged in a 
seryice that would be no hard labour for a Christian eyen, needing 
to earn an honest penny. If diyersity of creed is an eyil, it is 
allowed to be a necessary one in a land of liberty ; then make the 
best of it. Since we haye Jews and Mahometuis in our midst, we 
might as well utilise them, during our Sundi^s rest, to their own 
adyuitage as well as for the benefit of the Christian community. 
In the same maimer Secularists also might be turned to some pur- 
pose, and also withheld from temptation to do worse than work, and 
at the same time get to spend their time in doing about tiie least 
possible amount of work, on Sundajrs. 



THE SPANISH KALENDS. 

^We learn from a paragraph in the Times .*— ' 

^No date is at present fixed for resnming the offloial inqtdnr before the 
Poliee Mafistrato at Greenwich respecting the loss of the NortMeet^ and it it 
ec^peeted that nothing fMrther will be done until the ease of the MuriUo is dis^ 
posed of by the Spanuh Government." 

Considering our experience in the case of the. Tornado^ to say 
nothing of the present state of things in Spain, this is a " long look- 
out " with a yengeance I 

Punches prayer is, may the owners who are waiting for " the 
Spanish," get their money— with deferred interest. _If they do, 
wnat swingeing damages they will get I 



Legislation for the Counter. 

The Times remarks that our European neighbours tell us that we 
must meet the Uitramontanes with "rigid counter legislation." 
Has our legislation, in general, for some ume past, been anything 
else? The principle on which it has been mainly directed by a 
Goyemment of seyere economists, who subordinate all other con- 
siderations to those of finance, Ib surely both counter toA rigid to the 
uttermost extreme. 

Something Left Out. 

At the dose of his speech on the night of the Mimsterial explana- 
tion, Mb. Disraeli referred to certain ** great and 'burning' 
questions," but with strange forgetfulness omitted^to mention one 
of the most serious of all— Coal. 



rria'.e 1 by JoMpb Saith. of ir>. M. Holford SquN.im tf VAA of St. Swmm, CtoikMWwU. im th« OMttCr «t Vidd]«MS. tS tiM Prlntt&v OOom oI If Mtn. Birndtmrr. Agm»w, a Co.. LMiilal 
StTMt, in th0 PrMiSct of WUMfrian, ta tM City of Loados, ud F«UI«h«4 by hia, at Ho. 8f , Ficot Stroot, la Uo Fortob of St. Bride, Oity of L»doa.— A^toea^t, ICM«b ». WU 



Apbil 5, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THB LONDON OHARIVARL 



137 




CIRCUITOUS. 

Paatmger. '* Qum the 80bt of Wsathes for toub Bnsnnsss^ thbbb Afbil 

SflOWEBSy I StTFFOfiBl" 

Red-Faeed Driver. "No, Sib, oi* mb Faib Weathbb; *cat78E if it ain't 

FaIB, no one 0BT8 UP 0UT8IDB, AND IF THBBB AIN'T NO ONB TO OBT UP OOT- 
SIDE, THBBB AIN*T NO ONE TO SaY 'CoACHMAN, GET T0UR8BLF 80METHIN0 

Wabm to DbinkT" 



8ESENADE FOB A CmZSN. 

Celebrated in Connection with the TranS'ContineHUil 
Itailway. 

"BkvE yetn 'prifonment I TsKnasTf 
Will It hurt yon P Quess it won't, 
'Gaiue yon can impriBoned be 
Nohow Dnt in efS^. 
What is that for him that ooUan 
Seyen hundred thousand dollan ? 
Yon may laugh, for, whilst yon win. 
Yon are ont of gaol ; not in. 
Wish that I was in yonr place. 
Wonld a blnsh o'erspreaa my face P 
No, Sir, hnt a smile serene. 
I snonld wear a lofty mien 
Far above the thonght of shame^ 
Consoious of a world-wide fame, 
Glorying in my inmost heart, 
Knowing I was Toted smart, 
Named " remarkable " among 
Onr first men by everr tongne. 
In my absence I oonld bear 
Any judgment: shouldn't care. 
Foreigners might sentence me 
To the stocks or pillory. 
Whip or brand to me were nought. 
Sure that I could not be caught, 
I should, no fear lying under. 
All the more enjoy my pluiyier. 



A Profeiaional Bemonstraaee. 

Temple Blacxstoitb, whose briefs are not oyerwhelm- 
ing, grumbles at being obli^d to mix coke with his 
Wollsend ; but the aggravation of short weight in his 
last, supply of coal has forced from him the mdignant 
Commentuy that Coke is bad enough, but that Coke 
upon little-Ton is beyond all endurance. 



AGED, BUT affable. 

A Ladt asked Mb. Scbudgills if he liked children. 
" Don't know. Ma'am," answered that crabbed dd 
gentJeman; "never tried 'em: am not an Om." On 
another ocMsion. Scbudgells remarked that infants were 
not innocents. ** Quite the reverse," said fiCRunexLLS. 
" A baby is a crying evil." 



GENTLEMEN AT LAKQK 

FE0FB880E8 and Practitioners of Psyehological Medicine. . A 
, practical question, Gentlemen, of some importance in your line, 
seems suggested by some particulars in connection with a case of 
Mysterious Disappearance, mentioned in the Po$t^ under heading of 
**The Eidnappea^Solidtor," as follows, with variations merely 
nominal, 

** Mb. STABxnrs, the Mlidtmr, irhose sirapoied Udnsppiiig to nrach dit- 
toxbed the publio mind, is at vresent under the care of Db. Dash, of Oldport 
It does not appear, howoTer, that Mb. S. is differing, or has been lufferinf , 
from hallneination. Hit mind is perfeetlv elear and ooUeeted, and if it be 
aflbeted with any mYsteriona form of inaani^, it can only be or that strange 
kind happily little known in England, and called by German and Bunian 
ph^ioiani * wander-madneis.' It it now aaoertained that while Mb. S. was 
wntinc the letteraj^Ting an account of his abduction to the * loathsome den,' 
•omewhere in the Ealt-end of London, he was pleasantly passing his time in 
Southampton." 

The friends of Me. S., when 'they' had once caught him, might as 
well have looked after lum. . But— 

*< After Me. S. had been onlv four dayi with hii friendi, following his 
return from the * loathsome den/ he disappeared again on Thursday the 13th 
inst. This time, fortunately, his friends at once communicated with the 
police, and he was traced by MB. SrFSBiiiTiiiDziiT Bbowh, of Oldport, to a 
lodging-house at Ditchmouth. Looking in through a crack in the door, he 
saw the miuing solicitor seated at a table, with a bottle of sherry on either 
fide of him, a long day pipe in his mouth, spectacles on his nose, and in his 
hand a newspaper, which he was quietly perusing. He was yery carefrilly 
dressed, and seemed quite at his ease." 

It was subsequentiy found that this erratic sentieman at large 
had been ** making arrangements to proceed to Jersey.". He seems 
distinetiy to have asked himself the guestion— 



** Goosey, goosey gander, 
Whither shall I wander?" 

There appean to have been a certain method in his "wander- 
madness ; '' for in tiie meanwhile, pending reference to his family :— 

" The superintendent snd the solicitor seeidentally met in the street. The 
latter knew at onee the business of the former, and said, * How on earth did 
you find me out hers ? ' " 

It is pleasant to be enabled to add that— 

"Mb. S. states that he isvery ghd to find himself at home onoe more." 

Let us hope that his friends, if they relv on this statement, will 
not find themselves deluded. Itis also to oe wished that they may 
prove egual to the task of taking care of him. But now, if a case 
such as his were put under professbnal hands, how would they 
handle itP Everybody knows what an improvement has been 
wrought in the treatment, once onstomar;^, of common raving, ram- 
pant, roaring, dancing madness. The amj^j soothing system has 
supplanted a resimen which, mainly consisting of bread and water, 
included whipping-oheer adkbUum* There still occur cases, how- 
ever, of madness, wherein it may be questioned whether, even now, 
recourse miaht not with advanti^e occasionally be had to that com- 
bination of lowering measures with stimulant. Perhaps, in " wan- 
der-madness," of which the symptoms are mingled with the degree 
of lucidity exemplified in the above instance, considerable success 
might be achieved by the moderate and judicious administration of 
"Tickletoby." 

But there are two sides to every picture, though nobody ever looks 
ftt the other side, except the Cataloguer at the B. A. Travellm, 
glorified as heroes, brave dangers, endure privations, and saorince 
money which at least every Philistine thinks nobody in his senses 
could. Must we not, therefore, beware of being landed m a conclusion 
which would bid us prescribe " Tickletoby " for a Livingstone ? 



VOL, uov. 



138 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[April 6, 1873. 



:mJNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 




^ fiOK lafantfl Bufftar hj the extatinf? laws in regard 
i ^ 'to ** oust<>dF»" To- night Monday, March 24, 
\ ;^LoiiD CnrKLM?iFt>aD ntu^A a Bill empowering 
' Chanoery, in its discretion, to gire b mother the 

onstody of children under sixteen ; and supporting 
deeds of separation, whereby bad husbands give up children to wives. All in 
the right direetion. We cannot pay too nueh respect to the interest of the 
young. Maxima dehetur pttero J&tw»fen<ei— here pneris, though wrong, would 
be more appropriate. 

In the Commons Me. Cvocsebtsb, Fobtmodx thanked Mb. Plthsoll for 
giving him such information as had induced him to cause a vessel called the 
Parga to be surveyed. She had been declared onseaworth^, and orders had 
been given to prevent her going to sea. This is welL Touching her name, the 
word recalls to Mr, Ptmek a most valiant and furious poem which he read in 
the early days of Gsosei thb Foubtk. In this the treatment of Parga by the 
British was made the subject of awf ol invective. He well remembers that it 
began thus:— 

** Parra! Parga ! land of many wrongs. 
Land bowed beneath th' opprenor*! iron rod, 
Kelhittlu e^eo now I hear thy dirge-like aongs. 
I hear and shudder. Can it be, €h>d ? " 

Unless Mr. Punch mistakes, Parga, whieh is in Albania, held out against 
Ali Pasha, and we had a good deal to do with its surroider to that tyrant 
Anybody who likes can look up the history^we shan't. We never read anything 
that telb against our beloved country. 

Mb. GLADSToinE said that we were not g^ing to pay the Alabama money until 
it should be due— months hence. 

The gallant Sib Saiotbl Basbb's expedition fur «ae Tmrpose of putting down 
Slavery in Africa, was represented as having met with misfertuBes, ana there 
is some satisfaction in learning that the Ebediv6 has sent some soldiers to the 
aid of Babbb Pasha. 

Mb. Gosohbk gave us the Kavf Estimates. They are aearly Ten Millions, 
and exceed last year's by about £340,000. But who ctres about the money ? 
Look here. We have got twelve ships, so strong that all tiie rest of the nations 
of the world, together, eaunot produoe a force that can flght us. In addition, 
we have another splendid fleet. 

So, after a short debate, the OommoBs voted 60,000 men and boys, and 
£2,629,000 for wa^res. 

Some day the tmie may come when, in the beautiful words of the Laureate, 
we shall be 

" Breakbif ear mailei^ ihips, and armed towers, 
Oontrelbng, by obeying, Nature'i powers. 
And gathering all the fruits of earth, and orownod with aU her flowort." 

But it is particularly certain that the time has not yet come, and anachronisms 
are bad taste. So, hooray for the D&wutation and her terrible sisters I 

S Tuesday, —k handful of slightly cheeky fanatics in Ireland call themselves 



the Catholic Apostolic Christian Church. Which course 
LoBD Bbdbsbalb called rather strong. We think it 
rather weak. But there is some difficulty about their 
marriages^ and as it is not fair that their children, who 
have nothmg to do with their parents' nonsense, and will 
probably rooudiate it by-and-by, should be inconveni- 
enced, a BlU is passing the Lords for putting matters 
straight. 

Mb. 'PuifSoiLL's book was referred to in the Upper 
House, and Lobd Malubsbubt said that Mb. Pumsoll 
had revealed aets which could only be called " diabolicaL" 
A oelehfaied judgment of the EEouse of Lords has rather 
put the word out of date, hut we nndsfstand Lobd 
MAiacBSBUBT, and cordially agree with hiss. 

In the OoBUBons, Mb. GfoscHEir gave seme infomatibn 
as to the stations selected for observisg the Transit of 
Ymius. Also about the'* method*' to be «mi^ed. All 
highly instructive, and particulaiiy dulL Wnat says 
Ebais? — 

<<I>onotaIlchanat11y 
At the mere touch of cold philotopby r 
There wat an awful ratciboir-H>iioe— in Hesfia. 
We know her woof, her texture. 8 be is given ' 
In the dull catalogne of ooamon things — 
Fhiloaophy could o^ an Anf el'a viags." 

There was only one Transit of Tonus which oommends 
itself to the lover of poetry-^when she passed before 
^oeas. 

*' Yeraqne inoessn patuit Dea." 

'* And by her radiant walk the Qieen of Lofe is known." 

However, we aare say ic may oe very proper to measure 
stars, and suns, and cook up Nautical Alouuiaeks, and to 
make ourselves generally and astronomically usefuL 

Mb. Andbbson then proposed to carry the House from 
Venus to the Currency. But the Titles save that he was 
so awfully wrong that his speech afforded a painful 
illustration of the state of the representation, or there- 
abouts, and we shall not go into his heresies. The 
Correnoy question is simple enough. A Bank of Bnrland 
note is a Mint Certificate. The ebb and flow of our 
Carrency in harmony with the Specie movements of the 
world is as regular as that of any river. Bat any man 
who soff^jrs from wrong calculations wishes to throw 
blame elsewhere. Sib Johit Lubbock, who knows all 
about it, defended the Bank Act. 

After the subject had dropped, Mb. Chadwicb moved 
for an inquiry into the Income-tax; but suoh a subject— 
or such a speaker— was not acceptable, and there was a 
Count. 

Wednwdaf/, for a wonder, gave us rather an interesting 
debate, and a good party rally. The subject was not 
promising. It was the Bill affecting the Barial of 
Dissenters. They are desirous to be permitted to be buried 
in Church Yards, but without the service of the Church. 

It is not a topic for mirth, unless we find any in the 
fact that such a man as Mb. Disbabli could lead opposi- 
tbn to the Bill, and exert himself, in an elaborate 
speech, to array all kinds of arguments against allowixig 
Englishmen, who had starred away from the Church in 
life, to be brought near it in death. One single real 
objection had been provided against. There are vein 
fools, and vulgar sceptics, who might tske the opportu* 
nit^of a fuisral to air their oratorv, or to announoe 
their atheism, over a nave. Bat this Bill expressly 
eusots that no person shall offioiate but a minister of a 
registered congregation, and that the service shall be 
strictly religious. The Ministers supported the Bill, and 
the Second Reading was carried by 280 to 217^majority 
63. Yet a second note of resolute opposition has been 
sounded* 

This evening, in respeotf al imitation of Mr, Punch, 
the Ministers went to dine at the Mansion House. They 
met all the Mavors of the kingdom, whom Sib Stdbbt 
Waxbrlow had hospitably gathered, and the show of 
robes and chains was delightful to behold. Muiisters did 
not distinguish thenuelves much. Mb. GhLADSXoinB re- 
minded us d Surya in the Rejected Addreeeet^ when 
aeked to mount the new theatre. In the indtatfton of 
SoxTTHBT it is writ,— 

** But ah, coy Surya still felt a twinge. 
Still started from his tnma singe. 



And to Yeoshnoo replied, ^ , . . , 

In a tone rather gruff, ■" zed by 
* No, thank you, one tumble *s enongh,' " ^^ 



ooq\^ 



April 5, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



139 



Mb. Gladstovx said, however, that Gk>yeniment had had a fall 
and a reoovery, and were aahamed of neither. But the event over- 
shadowed minuterial memories, and ILbu Lows onite Boo£fed at 
Mb. Disbaxu— who wai ** not there," like the abopkeeper when the 
nigger got the hat horn the shop, and theratee eonld not tell the 
pnoe ofit* 

The Xayon were net elognot. The Loxd Matob op Tobk made 
'' a hrief ipeeeb/' which the r eppgt e ra did not take. ** By perfeet 
modesty o'ereome^" prohahly, fike one of Popx*a heroes. Do yon 
know the Yorkshire ihyma abovt the Chief Magistmte of Y«rk and 
his Lady P 

^ He is a Lerd for a veer end a day, 
But ahe is a Lady nr ever and if*." 

Thus sweetitTt Madam, does J&. Funeh hUnd with stem pdBties 
gentie arehaBolDigy and pladd poesy* 

Thttr§daif.^'Lcx9 EvPiiU) informed Mb. Pxtxb Tatlob that we 
cannot reoogmse the prcssnt Spamiah Governmenti exoept at pro- 
visionaL 

Mb. GLaBnoBBmadeaprsasBtof this etenuif to the independent 
MemhetSy who gsve np their Motions to permit the Irish Edneation 
Bill to osne ob» The night, of oonrsa, was utterly wasted, bmt the 
Pbbvibb. as a gentleman, could do only as he did. There wero a 
variety el nseless diseossions— one on the Park Bnles (Mb. Atbtov 
getting deeidedly the host of it, as he had to oontend with men of 
twoeztremes)^ one on the Bnleof the Bead at Sea. While a Minis- 
ter was speaking. Mb. Chadwick tried to eount him out. This 
would have been bad taste, but thai the tetter wanted to enfoite an 
argnBMBt about keeping a House. 

The Yolsnteers still desne an Easiw Monday Beview, and Mb. 
Cabdwbil told LoEBD Elcho that any a sta m gement for one should 
be suwiMie d by the War-Office. The military authorities are very 
cold about mUxtary shews. They do not see how snob things inflame 
the youthful mina towards soldiering. There was a song, in 1825— 

** Wh«n a youBf ster up I grew, 
Saw one day a Grand Benew, 

Colonn flaring 

Bet me dyin^ 
To embark in a life le new/' 

Indthen nmrk car gallant yonng^iend's Stan (not an elk) in the 
honr of battle:-- 

** * CSiaige ! ' oar gallant leaden oty, 
On like lioni then we fly. 

Blood and thunder 1 , 

Foes knook under : 
Then hooray for a Tio-te-ry I " 

Yoa don't get mdh poetry as that now-a-days, Madam. 

JFVufay.— Mb. Chichbsteb Fobtbscub gave Mb. Pluisoll the 
namea ot tilie individnaJa who are to be the Koyal Comnussioners for 
inquiring into the state of our Mercantile Marine. Sonie very good 
men have been selected. Chairman, the Duzb of Soxbbsbi, who 
will stand no nonsense. The Dxtxb of Edikbvbgh is one, and the 
nation will be pleased to know this. Some practical and scientiflc 
men are also chosen, and Punch may say, on a review of the whole, 
that he has seldom noted a Conmdttee less willing or less likely to 
be humbugged. 

We had rather a scene. Mb. Fawckit had an Irish University 
BilL Since he introduced it, he has altered and improved it. & 
the Popb's men, easer to nnash it, contended that it was not the 
same measure which he had leave to bring in. Mb. Oladbtobb saw 
a difficulty, and proposed that a new notice ihould be given. There 
is little chance of the measure coming on at. all, but this course 
would have made that chance infinitesimaL The Spbazbb ruled 
that Mb. Fawcbit had received permission to brinr in sudi a Bill, 
and that he mi^ht do so then and there. Which he did, the Con- 
servatives oheemg their loudest. 

A Select Committee is to inquire into the working o€ the ridJerokms 
Irish Jury System. We rather envy the members. Theywillhear 
suMi a lot of goed atones, as will make all of them worth asking to 
dinner, whi<m is not to be inrariably predicated in the ease of a 
Member of Parliament 



Soliloquy Snniinariaad. 



nmelf, if I were sure I eoald ; 
But am by no means certain that I oaoa : 
Hor might, if I committed suicide, 
Net be worse off thereafter than More. 



TO ALMAKACK-MAXBB8. 



Cav a year remarkable for its hideous &shions be remembered i 
aYearof OraoeP 



JONATHAN'S LESSON TO JOHN. 




Thb time has been folki ohailid JcBM Bbight 

On his itch for A mo -liTtnisliig ; 
When he painted Columbia^ no dyiioWi all ]jght» 

Effete John Bull snrprisiBg, 
With a babe in her arms, Youiy Jovatkab fai^iti 
On pure Democracy's milk« to the might 

Ox an infant Giant arising. 
But some things, perhaps, we have ssen of late, 
Hats left us Young Jobaxhajei's BiodaL statey 
On the whole, less qjapceed te imitatOi 

And less in the mood for prizing— 

As the BCflTiddj and ahames of the Tammany Bing, 

The lo' t ' V ■ ' ' and log- tolling ; 
Comers i ^'- pullers in fun iwing , 

The v^i^'o ui dead -heads polling : 
The millionjs of dollore paid to bring 
BieueseiiUtiye rucaU Ui^ir papera to Mag 

The ballottinfi^ oma b^ the ahoal in : 
And the general conf nation that, trit4 by the test 
Of character r Cou^rega atatids confeet 
A place whitJier Jonaiuai^'s worsts for his best 

In too much force, hare stole in. 

But in one thing Jobathab stands reyealed 

Of his cousin JoHB' the master- 
In raising the crops of roguery's field, 

To bigger growui and nater, 
Till a haryest, undreamt of once, 'twill yield 
To his bold hand who the siokle may wield, 

Ab well as the seed's broad-oaster. 
He 'U sink his thousands his millions to sack, « 
As knowing such seed brings inorease in its track, 
And the bigger the rogue the broader the back- 
Not so much for the soourge as the plaater. 

Let this effete old Borope go on 

Withpettyrobbing and reivinf . 
Teach, New World J^bathab, ^ Wodd JoBor, 

Thy grander style of thaeffiBg I 
When he would fildi a single stoae, 
Square miles with diamonoi bfoad-cast sewBt 

Salt thou, lor flati^ deceiving : 
Where he at his one forged flimsy wenld stick, 
With a hundred thonsaad do thou the tricl^ 
And the Bank of Bnrland's own pedEet pidk*- 

The swindlefs* sabBme eohieTiBg I 

How short the old World of the new one fsBs, 
So proye, to the end of the chapter ;* 

That not only Old Bufland's lakea and falls 
By Young America^i cavt are : 

The jobs of thy senatorial halls, 

Thy rings, thy comers, thy crises, thy calls, 
In a larger other wrapt are : 

And last, not least, thy swindles rise 

To a ffrandeur that dazzles Old^ World eyes, 

And Lords of industrial enterprise 



Make those who, as rogues, nere trapped are I 



oogle 



140 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[April 5, MTS. 




A SMART YOUTH. 

Cousin MUlicmt {toith smothend indi0M$i&n). ** Gk>OD-BTE. Robert ! And sikob it seems you found {^OTHiNa ftites t^an kt 

VAVOimiTE BIT OF JAPANESE EnAXSL TO DROP YOtlB. ClOAB ASHSS IN, LAST NiOHT, PERHAPS TOIT *LL ACCEPT IT AS A GiFT I It HAS 
NO FURTHER YaLUE FOR ifV, AFTER SUCH DSSBORATION I" 

Couski Sobert, ** Tha-anks, MiJiLicsNT ! And if teat's the way Articles of Priceless Yalus abb disposed of in poos 

BRANCH OF THE FaMILY, I CAN ONLY ReORET I DIDN*T MAKE AN ASH-PaN OF YOUR HAND t** 



A SONG OF SPEING. 

By a Cockney Poet. 

All haUy tKou jooimd time of year. 
To Cockneys and oook-robins dear I 
All haiL thou flowery', showery season, 
When throstles, mating, perch the trees on : 
When sparrows on the house-tops sit^ 
And oonrt their loves with oheery twit : 
While O^era songsters tone their tiiroJEits, 
Exohanging for our gold their notes I 

Now Satore her new dress reoeiYOS, 
And dinner-tables spread their leaves ; 
Asparagus again one sees, 
And early duoUin^ served with peas ; 
Again tiie crisp whitebait we cronch. 
And chops of lambkin blithelv mnnoh ; 
Salmon again oar shops afford, 
And plovers' eggs adorn the board ; 
While for one dav at least onr sons 
May stuff themselves with hot orosi buns ! 

See now the swells b^rin to show 
Their horsemanship in Kotten Eow : 
See now the Drive is thronged onoe more, 
And idlers lounge there as of yore : 
See now fair April fills Mayf air, 
And gives new life to Ghrosvenor Souare. 
See now what crowds flook to the Zoo, 
Where Master Bxfffo is on view. 
See daffodils, and daisies pied 
In bloom, and buttercups beside ; 
See now the thorn, and e'en the rose 
Signs of returning Spring disclose : 



See now the lUao large in bud ; 
While costermongers, splashed with mud. 
The product of the passing showers, 
Cry •* Here 's yer all a blowing flowers I ^ 
Or wake the echoes of the groves* 
With " Homaments for yer flre-stoves 1 " 

* Wettboume Grore, LiMoa Groye, Camden Groye, &c. 



SUITRESS AND SUED. 



It is very seldom that Miu is sued by Woman ; ezoept at Law. 
That, however, happens not at all uiurequently ; ana there has 
lately been rather a glui of breach of promise of marriage oases, in 
more than one instance, with exacerbation of damages awarded to a 
fair plaintiff for laceration of feelings occasioned by failure to secure 
a husbuid who would have had to keep her, although at tlie same 
dme.regairding her as an encumbrance, and certain to make her 
miserable for life. In the reports of these pleasing trials, letters 
which have passed between the parties to them are usually pub- 
lished. Some of these contain verses, generally doggerel as to metre, 
and for the rest nonsense. It is very remarkable that none of this 
poetrv is ever the oomnpsition of the plaintiff. The author of it is 
invariably , the fool, ijJ& is to say^the defendant, who had the folly, 
first to fall in lov» Witii an unsuitable object, and, seoondly, to put 
his folly on reooi<l in suitable strains. In these oases the pursuer. 
as the Sootoh Well oidl her. is not only too olever to be capable of 
writing sudi stuff as that, but likewise too oool by many degreei to 
be susceptible of the sentiment which inspired it 



HifiJiTi 



A PBOFJHNnoiTAL PdirsTXE.'SiR BoNBS Sawrb WIS atked if he 
had seen the Cataract of the Oangee at Drury Lane, fie said nOt 
added, " Why don't they couch it P " 



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Apbil 5, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVARL 



US 



OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

At the British Mu$eum. Important to Vmtort from the Ootmiry. 

Hmel *'BrdilliMfliflre 
a man with sooliadMd. 
Who never to bhiiielf 
has Mid"— I iinfi< go 
to the BritiihlCiueam P 
J said thia to m^lf, 
and. finditt that thk 
pahiio iwaaiantkm was 
closed en aU tlie dm 
most ooorenient for 
Tiflit, I nohljsaori- 
1 mysfllf CB the 
altar of Neosfldtr iot 
the heiMfit of tiio Groat 
Uneoligktsoiad* 

Soto to get there* — 
The shortest tmd the 
ehea^est ronte is hy 
walking, if yon know 
the way from wherorer 
yon au^y bo. OsBsnlt 
a map and yonr own 
oonyenienoe. 

The huHding iieeilf 
amd ewrinme. — The 
msotal nose of tiie 
olassioally-mindedwill, 
on entenng in at the 
iron gates, sniffy as it 
were, a ihint odour 
of paganism in tiie 
groimds. I alfaide to 
my own 
Tbefo st 
the Fane of 




to a plaoe of vnblio entertainment where yon oan go in and see 
everything withont paying anything I " 

Here, first of all, is the nsnal prisoner in the dock to reoeiye jora 
stick or umbrella. In retom yon reoeiye a medal, or an antiqne 
coin, nnmbered. There is no temptation to even the most dishonest 
to leave his umbrella or stiok, and walk off frith the coin. 

The next cariosity, after this mark of respeot and esteem iwe- 
sented to you by tiie jpnsonsr in the dock, is a board announcing 
"The Gbristv Oidleodon." As I had been often emphatically 
assured, by those who ought to have knowa, that the Christy Col- 
leotion never, never, nef)er will (like the Britons in " Rule^ Britan- 
nia ^) ^^erhan, out of St James's Hall, I was obliged to look upon 
this announeemsnt as a specimen of a curious joke made by the 
Committee. I isnoied, as 1 looked wanlv around, that tly police- 
BMn, the catalogue seHers. the two officials in a comer, ana another 
VBffue psfson ina oboeolajte livery, were all in Ihe sell, and were 
aniy watching nv movements, pretending, of course, to be tho- 
roughly uninterested, in order that tiiey msght not lose the chance 
of heanuff me ask one of their parfy for further iof ormation about 
this board, whan, on mv uttering toe word ^ Christy," they would, 
I 'ye no doubt, have broken into a ' '^ 



Heathen Deity approached by a majestio flight of steps. I felt that 
I had come to worship Something or Somebody, and there were 
the pigeons wandering about consequentially awaiting their pur- 
chase oy enthusiastic dsvotees. and picking up such crumbs as were 
thrown to them by the students retaining nom mild luncheons at a 
neighbouring pastrycook's. 

On such classic ground did I feel myself, that, had I seen elderly 
gentlemen in toaas ascending and desoending those steps, I do not 
think I should have been in the least surprised : on the contrary, I 
was astonished at their absence. 

At the Inns of Court the Members dining in hall are obliged to 
don a sort of aoademio gown, just to give a learned Tone to the 
festivity. This custom, in togas, oug^ht to be adopted by the autho- 
rities ox the British Museum ; a notice could be easily stuck up over 
the Porter's Lod^, informing the public that *' Togas, gratis, must 
be obtained withm, without iHiich no one wiU be allowed to enter 
the Museum." 

The unclassically-minded oould wateh the jHroceedin^ from out- 
side, poking their noses through the railings, and evincing the same 
kind of interest as is shown daily by the orowd who watch the 
sports of the Bluecoat Boys, who, many old ladies believe, are the 
sons of the prisoners in Newgate, oondemned to wear yellow stock- 
ings and cloth petticoats, and confined behind these bars, within 
view of the passers-by, for no fault of their own. 

I noticed that the booses in the streets leading towards this oentre 
of attraction seemed to have eaoght something of its style and cha- 
racter, being more and more elassieal the nearer th^v approach the 
Museum, and increasiBg, proportumately, in the primness of their 



walks and mw in front of the Museum look as though 

they had been lathered and shaved every momiag regularly, so 
dean and smug is their appearance. There are a number of vacant 
pedestals, suggestive of there having been a considerable row among 
the officials as to *' who should have a statue." I do not know how 
these things are managed, but I suppose the names of various emi- 
nent statues are proposed and seoonded for a Committee's deotion. 
These meetings must be, oonseguentiy, scenes of great excitement, 
requiring, to insure the success of a candidate, much preparatory 
diplomacy. I can ima^e a proposer, very anxious about his statue 
getting in, and even going so nr as to say to a probable oppositiomst, 
** I won't pill yonr statue if you won't inll mine I " 

It would be interesting on suoh oooudonis, too, to hear the objec- 
tions made to the oharaeter of many of tiie proposed candidates. 
However, this is loitering. Let us enter. 

'* Scenes of my childhood I " I exclaimed to myself, " onoe more 
I behold you ! " After many roving years, how sweet it is to come 



guffiiw, and ex- 
claimed, " 0, you April fool I " 

My reticence sold them. I ascended ibe staircase chuckling and 
pluesin^ myself, as an old bird well may, on not having been caught 
with this remarkably inappropriate chafEL 

The First Zanim^.— This is not an incidental allusion to William 
THB CoiraxjBROB, nor does it mean that you co about t^e British 
Museum, as about Venice, in a boat It simply means the head of 
the stairoase, whence you obtain a view in penpeetive, like what 
you see in Yak dbr Hooo*s pictures, of a few rooms foU of inani- 
raate curiosities, the farther one presenting the tenific effect of 
gigantic blaokbeeties pausing in a vain attempt to swarm up a 
kitchen walL 

Mv object to whbh I h^ve not hitherto alluded, was to see the 
foBiil ante-diln^'i^n momters« whose address is— British Museum, 
North Galletf , Uppt^r Floor, 

For, I have a Theory, worthy of the Laughing Philosopher. It is 
this : Geoloj^iats have omitted one iieriod. Tlie Oolitic, the Mesezoio, 
&Q., ftr^ all Tery well in their way, but they are inexpressive terms, 
I holdf compared with what I am now about to propose for the 
benefit of Boieno^ generally, and this Museum in particular. I 
would include two or three ** periods" in one term, viz., Tlie Pan- 
tomime Period. Why these gigitntio creatures are the very models 
for Orary Lane property-room at Christmas time; and when some 
of the kamed have opined that no man could have been their oon- 
temp^>rarv^ have they forfi-atten the men with Large Heads and 
Gaggle EyeS} who only ai^pear in the Pantomime Period, the 
remnant of some oral tradition of tlie Past 1%en came the Trans- 
formation Scene; then followed more gradually, in due course, 
eivilisatton, just as the realms of Fairy Land are closed in by the 
brilliantly-ccdonfed shi^fronts of John Dofgh, Baker, Pike, 
Fishmonger, and Swipes, Pablioan. Oblige me by oonsideciag this 
as we sit in 

Room the First, which I h«e name The Alderman's Room, it 
being apparentiy full of Turtie—Beal and Mock. Let us digest this 
first of slL Ihh voice of the Turtle is heard in the Grove. After 
such a getting iro-stairs, kt us sit awhile and lovingly regard a 
Tremendous Turtle, of the evidentiy Pantomime Peiiod, big enough 
to have dined, or to have dined on, six Aldermen. Alas ! an extinct 
species. 



LINES OUT LADY DAY. 

Hese again is Lady Day. 
I have got my rent to pay. 
How the Quarters roll away I 

Lady Day is fair this year. 

Wind East ; hazy : mild, hot queer. 

Sunshine bright, though hardly dear. 



Lady Day I Will Marsh go b; 
And tiie groonr ' 
Ere that Tanni 



id have not got dry 
pipe his eyeP 



Lady Day ; the dust Is due. 
Down with mine 's what I must do. 
Up will Mareh^th his dust too P 

Dust in March; itisathing 
Worth the ransom of a King. 
None has yet been paid this Spring^,^ 



April, if he break no mles. 

Soon wiU puddles bring, and pools. 

LadyDayl Next week All Fools I 



L.oogle 



Hi 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Apbil 5, 1873. 




AMBRIDG^E b an aooient pUee, 

Where jonng men u© iiutnicted. 
Somof as is ufiimllf tlie case. 

Are weU— Bome ill— wnduoted. 
Of Oxford I may well repeat 

A aimilar deBcription. 
At both a yiaitor will meet 

A rev J kind reoepticm. ( Ther^ V a rhyme /) 

To aom^ the aport ia T^rf dear 

Of rowing on their rivers, 
And to the J leave off imoke and beer, 

And are most careful lirers, 
Kow crews from hothi on Loadoa^a stream^ 

In annnal contest meeting , 
Thta year the Cam's superiot team 

0ayf Isis* aons a heating. 

A Fbizb avd Fbosb Poet, 



PEOHIBinON FOR OTHER PEOPLE. 

SnroB the Iom of the Deceased Wife's Sister's Bill, the other daj, 
in the House of Lords, a considerable number of onr contemporaries 
hare rejoiced over its rejection, and enlo«ised its opponents. They 
haye, howeyer, omitted to notice two chief points in which the claims 
of those parties to commendation are remarkable. Not any JonmaUst 
or Reyiewer has pointed ont, firstly, that the Bill for legalisinff 
marriage with the sister of a deceased wife was permissiye and not 
compnlMry ; so that it was not as though those who opposed it did 
80 because it threatened to make them and othors of tneir way of 
thinking liable to be obliged to marry their deceased wives' sisters 
against their wills, and therefore that their opposition to it proceeded 
from a purely disinterested and beneyolent desire to re^ilate the 
conduct of other people. Secondly, that the permission £> contract 
a marriage forbidden by tiie Bntish Law, taou£[h not by that of 
Nature, and not only legal in many foreign countnes but custonuury 
without any the sli^litest detriment to Society, would haye been the 
removal of an ezistug restriction on personal liberty ; a thing neyer 



to be thought of by the majority, who are not aggrieyed by it, so 
long as it is implored only by a weak minority, and to be conceded 
not until those who demiana it are numerous and formidable ; but 



then always, of course. 



EAGLE AND GOOSE. 



It seenu to be a question whether the United States Government 
will allow the *' Three Roles " under which the Geneva Award was 
given against us to the amount'of between £3,000,000 and £4,000,000 
to bind them, prospectively, in the same sense as that in which we 
consented to let it retrospeotively bind us, so letting ourselves in for 
payment of all that monev. Bat the money is not paid vet ; or, at 
least, if it is not, my Lords of the Treasury, had yon not better wait 
before you do pay it, until you know whether or not the Yankees 
mean to agree that what has been sauce for the British Goose shall, 
in like circumstances, be held and taken to be condiment also for the 
American Eagle P 



HJNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 




145 



THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE. 

' Kow, Je&3i%, Say tottii Praters ltkk a mxm iittlk Grai. I ' 



*' MAKItA, tiKkJtl WRT JUFJTf / KJfMMI, POWM, AMD BOLB WT TQX^WB. At 
PArAJ>0«Sl" 



COAL AND CHAMPAGNE, 

Mb* Dicramo^^ Her Mweitj'i InHpeotor of Mines for Eiit tftd South 
L&naaahiF8, in liis evidence befoTe the Coal Committeet ^^ anawar to a q"ae»tion 
»J M»- MujTDKLLA, stated that he hid ht^rd that th* oolliers do *' indtiJt* in 
the iRxnpy fA drinkiuf ohmnspagrie,'' ami believed that it does happen oooftMon- 
ally. Snme time ag^ tiewepap^rs aunoiuioe^ that an Ameriean ohemiflt had 
amceeeded in making- champQi^ne cut of petroleum* He v^ry likely did oontriT* 
to make an effervoaein^ flaid, worthy at least of tb« name of ^' Mz,'^ whioh h 
said %o be that und^p which the <M>llieri drink Bomethinf which ^oea down for 
the above-mentioned wine* There ii no petr^iram in our British coal-minea, 
otherwise porhapa champagna miffht be chei^ier for thote itriktnr sons of toil, 
who woald then ooeaaiooally ** itrike ile " in a4dition to then- strikes for 
higher wagea. 

If the ''fi?^ '* whioh the collkii sometimes indnlg© in w«re really gemiine 
PfiHi|ii Jrjairx, or MofiT and Cni^^DOir, it might he apprehended that there 
would Boon ooonr a rise in the price of champagne 08 w<^ll as in that of coals ; 
hut rhubarb u oheap, at whatever price ** fizz'* may ho vended to ita probahly 
mdUQiifaiitata oonsumerH. It is sad to think that those poor men are very 
Idtdr done when they a^eii4 half-a-gTmiea ont of their hard earninga on BtnfF 
that may not he worth sixpence a bottle. Yet the painful siiflpicion which one 
cannot help feelinif on that point may possibly be anfoiinded, and the beverajfe 
which hM repliMjed beer anions: those good fellows may really be the genuine 
growth of the French wine-^owftig diatriota, premier eru. If that is so, we! I. 
To a species of malt hquor the denomination of Cooper ia applied* In like 
manner^ let that produot of the jnioe of the grape wliioh ha« hitherto home 
the title of Champagne be called Collier, 



HoHTictrLTCTEB A^j Hpncif.— " As yon hav® made yonr bed, so you must 
He upon It.' *r ihan»t" replied tho yonthltil bridegroom, to whom thie 
obflervation wu addressed by an aged relative. *' Pm a fwdenar*'* 



ODE ON ALL FOOLS' DAY. 

Lo. here we are afifsiii ; 

Yea, quotha, marry. 
And we '11 be merry men, 

By the Lobd Basxt. 

Why, 80 ; an thon wonldflt woo, 

Ne'er ahilly-shally ; 
Kay, prithee, fie, go-to I 

Tii8h,tilly-Yallyl 

Fond yonih was ever free, 
While maids were honity. 

Sing, the apple-tree ! 
Hey ninny nonny I 

What boots to ondgel pate 
When brains be addle ? 

Some, that o'erleap the gate, 
£eep not the saddle. 

We be a goodly train ; 

Who Uiit may mingle. 
Tot an thon hear a Drain* 

Make thy beUs jingle I 

Joia w jJl von that het ; 

All yon uiat borrow. 
When ye mn into debt, 

flm^ thumbs at sorrow. 

All yva that have, on hope, 
Ta'en shares in Duhbles^ 

Heiglfeo I— an ell of rope 
Ends an fools' troubles. 

An yon ttiat think to wed, 

Laektag tiM penny— 
This oap for one fool's head 

Fits yifii, if any. 

You that ^0 Qmaoks let thnut 

Pills in jomr gizzards : 
Yoa ^lat in '* aiidiums '' tmat» 

WHohM and wizards. 

iftttt l0fe street-parade, 
'• ortentation I 
G«ad Tentptei, please ytm M. 
Oar dsmmstnifeion. 



, jein ovr throng, 
LakmifsOddfeUows. 
(ttd Be0B sluJl be our soog : 
We H bun ll» beUowa. 



Lnpstl 
Wissr, i 



grow 



Cone, each wU^ ooxoomb, ho I 
BanUe and Madder. 

Fo fear thai yvm'U he shent ; 

Coma winy-ainy. 
"• An right," says Jaok-a-Lent 

WlM^sinymyl 



CULTURE OP NATIVE WORTH. 

A JoinarA£ d Oa«n (Calvados) annonnoes the foormation 
of oyster-beds, on an eztensiye soale, at ConrseniUes and 
Marennes. The oysters laid down in them are natives of 
Portugal, haying oeen imported frou the mouth of the 
Tagus to the number of some hundred thousand. An 
English oontemporary reproduces this infbfmation under 
tjie title of '* Oyster Culture.'* This is a branch 



of 
every man of taste, must commend 
and, barring idiosyncrasy in that 



Culture whij 

itself eSpeOlauj, cu&u, u«rjrui^ iuiUB/uuir«Bj ue vu»b 

rospeot, is one of which the prosecution oannot hut he 
highly satisfactory to Me. Matthkw Asvold. It may 
be remarked that Oyster Culture neoessarily effects a 
development of Sweetness, although the reliction of the 
moUusc to mud altogether prevents it from being 
aooompanied by that of Light. 

. . . . \ ^"^ ^^^ r^\ r> 
French PaovERB.-i^iE^&z W rw, or Baga-UlU est 
la vie. 



U6 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[AniL 6, 187S. 



STRIKE POR LOWER WAGES. 

Tn Easl of SHAFrB8Bi7BT thinks he htm disoorered flie iMlwty 
of efbotuAlly inomoting tempenuioe amongit the Woridiig Cltwei. 

Openiiy a Baaar^ i_ 

day, 



in 
Baptkt 
Mhooliy hia Lotd- 
flhip made a ip6eoh« 
whereiSy refening 
to thaae classea, bo 
obaerred that :^ 

'* Th«re nerer wm a 
time when efforts in 
support of tsmpennee 
were more needed. He 
could not help think- 
ing thst the state of 
thmgs had become so 
formidable that one 
hardly knew how best 
tooopewithit." 

A PemiunTO Pro* 
hiMtoTT, or any 
other Dqnor Law, 
doM not appear to 
have eominfflded it- 
aelf to the Noble 
Lord'i judgment as 
a panacea for the 
exoees which he as- 
cribes to the Work- 
ing Man. No;biit^ 

*< Of one thing, how- 
ever, he was sure, and 
it was that no eflfeetual 
good oonld be done 
until we had planted 
in the minds of the 
people a spirit of self* 
controL" 

The spirit once 
planted could be 
watered if neces- 
sary ; and the result, 
of conrse, would not 
be grog, fint how 
to plant it P Hear ; 
and mind that it is 

LOBD SHAFTSSBimT 

who speaks, and not 
a cynical buffoon: — 

<* What had been the 
resolt of that enoimous 
increase of wagfes which 
had lately taken place 
in nearly every class of ' 
Working Men? He 
remembered, thirty 
years ago, there was a 
Committee appointed 
by the House of Com- 
mons in connection 
with the principle of 
oombinatioti, and Sib. 
AncHiBiOiD Alison 
laid it down as a truth 
that high wages were 
the curse of the Work- 
ing Men. He (Lobd 
Shaftisbubt) could 

not hislp thinkJTiy the 

statement a oonrect 
one." 

Jo plant the spirit 
of self-control, then, 
in the miiidB of the 
People (with a great 
P, as, by a mistake, 
it is not spelt in the aboye-qooted report), the way wonld obyioosly 
be, if LoED SHAFiBSBimr is right as to both the fact and canse of 
thenr intemperance, simply to lower their wages to the regoisite 
standard. For, as his Lordship said,— 

'< Of course, where economy and prmdenee were practised, the oondition of 



it. 



Irish Ex-Major. " So, vx BoT, TOir *£e ooiNa to Iin>iA ff Unhbalthy Plaob, tou 
know! The^labt Station I was at, Coff'ns wzsb issubd witp AmniAL Clotbin' 
TO THE Men, and kept as KECisaAEixs IN Store; and,'bedad, I ha2> a Friend 
who was on Firing Partt oyer a Man of his Company in the Morning, and who 
FiBED OYER Himself in the Eyening, Sor 111" 



the WoiUng Maa should be imnroTed by higher wages; bat there were 
rec kle ss n ess and imptevidenee. Taesuddeaineresseof money had been pro- 
dnedfe of the greatest possible mi8ehief;aadaelong as these habits eontinaed 
he oonld not bat tUak that an in er eaae of wues was a posltlfe infliotion te 
the If orking Maa, his wife, and his ehadien.'^ 

DoabtlcH the 
Bail of SKAma- 
BUST takes a Tiaw 
of the People which, 
in respect of ao- 
briet^f , nnder some 
delnsiYe infloenoe, 
direofly reTegui 
their actual eaae. 
Who does notkiunr 
how well the Ueena- 
ing Act works ? 
What if Db. Mait- 
invG agree with the 
noble Earl, and cite 
statistics to prore 
that dmnkenaea is 
on the inoteaief 
They are both the 
one and the other 
enthnsiastie philaa- 
thropists, whose 
fears are fathers to 
their thoughts. The 
Working Classea, 
it is sorely not too 
mnch to say, spend 
erery little increase 
of wages they obtain 
by their hamdess 
strikes chiefly in the 
ednoation of thcdr 
children, and in tiie 
purchase of the ap- 
plianoes needful to 
make honie hunsy. 
If they are at ail 
extrayagant is it 
not in books, and 
in the drees which 
some of them are a 
little too apt to 
layish on their 
wiyes ? For theyast 
improyement eyi- 
dent in their habits 
we haye to thank 
not only the Liceitf- 
ing Act, but also 
the Trades' Unions 
Act; and moreoyer 
the Oonseryatiye 
Reform Billj which 
has rendered them, 
as Mb. Lowe said, 
our masters— if not 
their own. 



Wrongfdl Ixn- 
preaaion. 

** Tou are wrong, 
m y de ar Simplb- 
TONiuB, in sappofiing 
the Irish to be Can- 
nibals from the mere 
fact of their haying 
'the broth of a bo]r' 
sofregoentlyin their 
mouths." • • • 




A JOB'S COMFORTER.'' 



ExtrMd from 
ehffont Otrrnp^' 



On the Square. 

"Air American," sayi the New York Herald, *<ha8 discoyered 
the means of sauaiing a drde." We mifht doubt this, mit tiut 
Americana are tConght to haye squared a triangle— not far from the 
Lake of Qeneya. 



SWMt, la tiM Piwlaet of 1> laitMairia tlM Otr of UmdM, ttd F«Uiik«4 ^ kia a V«. «, lltH tC^ 



'En/Omtf, AfMW, * Oiu LoaUa W l 

Loa4oaw—aATVB94i . Apill f . 1871. 



April 18, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



147 



AN OLD FOGY TO MR. PUNCH. 




iMf Mtj years ago, dear friend, I was 
Xousger than I am iioWi. It is a fact, and 
that fact was borne m upon me on the last 
ni^ht on which Mk. CsArrEfiioN gave ub 
the Cataract of the Gange*, originuly pio- 
dnoed by his predeo6B8or» Mb. ELUSioir. 
It boots not to say what uidiMsd me to 
Tisit Drory Lane Theatre on that night. 
Perhaps I merely wished to please my nieoes, JxsfliB and ILuua. Perhaps I wished to escape 
a tedious friend who had menaced me with a oall that eyeninff. Perhaps I only wished to oe 
able to say that I had seen a pieoe twioe. with an interral of fifty yearsbetween the perf orm- 
anoes. '!us no matter. I went to the play. 

I think the reviyal was a mistake* but I am an elderly fellow, and I should probably say 
that of any reviyaL I fanoy, howeyer, that neither the story nor the strootnre of the old 



naa ineir sooa-waier, ana i naa oeen j 
to mine (slightly fortified}, I dreamec 
dream. I beheia myself in my ffay i 
graoef al youth, as I appeared reading 



melodrama suited a modem andienoe, and 
that what were gorgeous splendours in 
Ellebton's days are now but the ordinary 
aooessaries of a show. Still, there was a 
great deal of glitter and colour. 

But when igot home, and the girls had 
had their soda-water, and I had been left 

dreamed a 
and 
- , -. ^ the 

ybill, on my yisit to the theatre to see 
liston's piece. With the aid of a 
talented youn^ friend, I haye sketched 
myself as I sat in my chair the other night, 
and as I looked in 1823. Accept the work. 
** Look on this picture and on that." I do 
not know what moral to append. People do 
get old, if they liye long enough, and old 
men do not dreias as they did when boys. I 
think the garb of our young fellows, now- 
a-days, much more becoming than was 
mine in '23, and they will agree with me. 
But let them remember that, if they liye, 
they will be Old Fogies in 1923 ; and let 
them belieye that the Old Fogies of the 
present day haye some memories of an 
Arcadia that was not to be despised. "We 
haye heard the chimes at midni^hf 
Yours, uncomplainingly, 
Tm. 
P.S.— Jessiv and Mabia. declare that no 
girl of any day could haye made herself such 
a fright as the aboye. I see no fright ; but 
I see what I saw and loyed fifty years ago. 



Beparation at Some. 

A SOLIXK religious seryioe was performed 
theother day at St Peter's, ** in reparation," 
says the OssertxUore JRomano^ '* (» the exe- 
crable blasphemies," which certain journals 
continually *' yomit out" Ostensibly f<»r a 
charitable purpose, two lectures on the sun 
and other eeleitisl bodies were lately de- 
liyered in the great hall of th^Cancellaria 
Palace by the learned Jesuit^uitronomer, 
Fathxb Sbochi. Were these discourses in- 
tended **in reparation" of the *' execrable" 
treatment to which the Holy See, in error, 
subjected Gaulbo F 



THE THAMES AND THE NILE. 

Sib J. Kabslake, at the Mansion Housci proposing the health of 
the LoBD Matob, as host to the Uniyersity Boat Crews, gaye his 
Lordship a chance :— 



« Thankinf the Lord Matob on the part of the asBembled gaefts for his 
magnificent hoipitallty, he said he had taken a wiae conne in inviting the 
Oxford and Cambridge orewa, for he had kept them out of the ' Wicked 
World,' and far away from the < Happy Land.' '' 

Of course Sm Stdbby Watbblow was equal to the occasbn :— 

*' He ooold not awnme that his invitation had kept any of the young 
^ntlemen from entering the * Wicked World,* bat he hoped he was not wrong 
in inferring that they had found the Egyptian Hall a * Happy Land/ to which 
they would return some future day." 

The next Lord Mayor may safely try the experiment by inyiting 
them. Neyer could haye been an inclination to retom to the flesh- 
pots of Erjrpt exi>erienced more strongly than by the guests who 
partookjOf those seryed up at the Egyptian Hall of the Mansion 
House. 



PUMPS F. PILLAR-POSTS. 



London letter-writers ought to be obliged to Mb. W. J. Wilson 
for warning them, through the Times^ of a risk to their letters, we 
wiU be bound to say, they neyer thought of : — 

"Scattered OTer the paziah of St. Marylebone," writes Mb. Wilson, 
"and probably in other parti of the metropoUs, there are wyeral old- 
fashioned iron i^umpa, the handles of which haye been removed, leaving a 
vertical tlit wmch looka much like the openine of a letter-box. Li tlMse 
pumps man^r penona place their letten. As it ii not impo«ible that letten 
of value or importance may be lying in some of these hiding-plaoe& surely it 
is expedient that a search be at once made, and that Bometning oe done to 
prevent such miitakes in future ? " 



All Mr* Punch can say is, that any one so depositing letten must 
be eyen a greater pump thui that which he thus turns into a pillar- 
post But the writer suggests that the Post Office ou^ht to shut up 
the pumps. What nextr Is the Poet Office responsible for acts of 
idiots who can't tell an old pump from a new pillar P We don't 
want to be too much Goyemed. ** Folly is out the speck in 
Freedom's eye." 



HTPEECRITICLSBi. 

A BiscBBNiNa artide in the Saturday Beview, on Lobd Obma- 
THWAiTB*8 Leuons of the French Revolution^ contains the following 
remark relatiye to the author of that considerable performance :^ 

<< LoBD 0BM4THWAITB, for example, ii a believer in the Britiah Constitu- 
tion, and for the good old-fashioned reason that it is an admirable mixture of 
democracy, aristocracy, and monarchy. He regards a Constitution, that is, as 
a kind of fthAmml product, which should be judiciously compounded by a 
legislator, aa a chemist makes gunpowder out of saltpetre, sulphur, and 
charcoal." 

To make the simile perfect, howeyer. gunpowder should, in point 
of fact, be a compound of substances cnemioally combined, as in the 
yarious folminates, instead of being a merely mechanical mixture. 
But, as an illustration, it will do well enoug[h for all that ; only an 
ass might obserye that| whereas gunpowder is made to the end that 
it may go off, the British Constitution can haye been compounded 
only on purpose to go on. 



ONB 8IDB OF THB HBAI QujfiSXiON. 

It has been denied, dpropoe of abattoirs^ that a weU-oonducted 
slauffhter-house is a nuisance. But what would cattle, if they were 
not aumb animals, say to that F 



yoL. Lziy. 



148 



PUNCfH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Awl 12, 1873. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 




YXimrq talk on Mon- 
day, March 31, in 
the House of Lords, 
«boHt tlw 2>BtMMto- 
tim. My Lords of 
the Admiralty do 
not distrast her, bat 
they oiwriiiar her an 
expeiiiieBtal yessel, 
so the Coa^ytroller 
of the Nary is to 
take a paaaafe in 
her on her laal trip. 
The Ih rgE m So- 

if lbs mmt the way 
of the Ckmtnin no 
one would EoAwwho 
was ren)0BMbie, to 
which Lou) Hali- 
fax replied tbat the 
Admiridl^ woald be 
iwponsibla. This 
must be entirely 
eomfortingr to tilie 
Comptroller «f tiie 
Navy. We suggest 
that the Admiralty 
may just as well gp 
in her also, for if 
tbey etay iit home 
and anything hap- 
pens to her— 

** Their lives will not 

be JDide «o pkusat 

to them. 
That thef , my Lords, 

irill greatly oare to 

live.- 



In the 
we had lonr debate 
on the Bill itr vest- 
ing in ihiee Cemmis- 
sioners authority 
ovar ail the Itail- 
wi^s and CaaaiiB. 
Mb. Fj^ldin did 
not oonsider such a 
msaaore necessary, 
as liie aailways kill 
▼ery few yuny et a , •ensidering ibe ymd number they earry. fi«t there an 
other things beside aeoidemts to be eoiMidersd. Tht vailways ohame what they 
Uke, and make their own aimgemMtf. and gnsrvel aaMi^ thsMsnTves, regard- 



lessvf pubUo oottreaienee. Wnen pmUio comi^laint is lajfled^ the Companies 
never oondesoend to reply, and on the whole the gigantio aMaakms monopoly 



will be all the better lor icmlatftUL It was only ttie other day that Mr, Punch 
wanted to go to the CrystalPalaoe, and when he got to the High Level station, 
Victoria, he found that there was no tndm for an hour and forty-two minutes. Do 
we live in the nineteenth century, Madam P Are we Britons F Are we descend- 
ants of the men who won Cressy and Afpnoourt, who wrested Magna Charta 
from the tyrant John, who hurled from his forfeited tiirone the tyrant Jamis P 
We believe these are the questioni which it is proper to ask when anything 



7WMl0y.— Hw J udiosiure BiH was tent to a Seleot Oommittee, on the gveuiid 
that it is too full of detail to be dealt with by the House. Everybody was very 
polite to LoBD Sblbojotb, and Lobd Sjelbobits was very polite to everybedy— 
but we hope business is meant. 

" Graced as he is with all the power of words, 
8o known, to bononred in the Hoese -of Lofdf, 
BenuMiim Hm Iris teiig«e whene'er he taUu. 
And he has chaa^beis in the Xing't BeiMh WaHu," 

(or at least he mi^ have if he liked), his Lordship will find he needs all he 
knows to get the Judicature BUI through both Houses this Session. 

Lobd Johb Makbtsrs presented a petition from some Leicestershire gabies in 
favour of ** the Claimant?' Let 'em go and thatch Groby pool with pancakes, 
as their idiotic proverb says. 

In reference to the Budget (there 's a splendid surplus. Madam, and Drink 
has produced a very large part of it^MjL Lowb will probably say, with the wild 
fellow in Bamdby Rudge^ ** I drink to the drink "), Mb. Gladstohe stated that 
no resolution womd be proposed on the following Monday^ binding the House 
with reference to the future taxatien of the year. This, Madam, was held to 
mean a good deaL 



^ Fislki arsjnt always genertos and well-bred, 
But QLADSToini it— meant troly what he said." 

Mb. Fowlxb moved that the Indian Budget should be 
taken early in the Sessbn, so that it might be discussed. 
An amendment, referring the matter to the Select Com- 
mittee on India, was carried by 130 to 89. Madam, you 
have jQuch general information. Who was '*the base 
Indian that threw a pearl away Richer than all his 
tribe?" {0(A«tfo, Actv. s. 2.) 

A Befaaation Bill was tiuown out, but never mind« 
Madam, Jfr. Punch intenda atill to 

** Bear withoat abase 

The grand old name of gentleman, 
Defamed by ever^ oharlatan, 
Aad aoikd with all ignoble use." 

By the way, dear Madam, we have heard of a blunder 
that is as good as wit. A lady of the Malaprop order 
threatened to summon another lady for Definition of 
Character. Isn't it 09odP 

Wedmniay.—Tiju Chablet promoted a Bill with a 
meritonew object This was to afford certain new pro- 
tection to young pHRsans of the gentler sex. There was 
some rathar sharp debate, bat the Bill was read a Second 
Time. 

There is a Bill to i w Halet private dbn^hter-houees. It 
is eturdiiy opposed, an fedkle grofunda, hut (a spiteful 
peraon would say and HMrefor^ Kb. Bbuoi joined in the 
opposition, but conoeded a Ckjanittee an the Meat Supply 
of London. 

An Irish Member laand a ^oint of form in order to 
hinder Mb. Fawckit inQasL bringing in faia Dublin Uni- 
versity BIB, and lor that ti»e a neoae d o d. 

Thursday.^ln the Cornnans, a paHtii like that 
already mentioned (about CLAiMAivr-CaaxBo) was pre- 
sented from some ninnies of Hampshire and I>orsetshire. 
We inform the Dorset folk that we believe the Clahc- 
AiTT to be as much akin to the TiCHBOBifES as Lenson 
Hill is to Pilsen-Pin ; and the Hampshire folk, that 
Manners makes a man, quo' Williaic of Wickhaic, 
and Ihat thev would show better manners in not insulting 
their Queen's Government by implying that it means to 
convict Castbo in any unfair manner. 

It was an important matter, and worthy to be men- 
tioned in the Imperial Parliament, that a char- woman 
who took away some broken meat from Lou) Qbait- 
villb's, and was given in charge for taking it in one of 
his Lordship's nai>kLns, which she pawned, was dis- 
charged. laroMieus intent not being proved, but ahe was 
declared not to be without blame. Question was asked 
by the Hohoitbablb William Lowthbb, Conservative 
member for Westmoreland, and answered by the Right 
HoorouBABLi Hbitbt AusTur Bbuce, Her Majesty's 
Secretarv of State for the Home Departinent. 

But then we had some fun. The oliier night tiie 
PuU MaU QauUe wrote as foUoweth:— 

<*The scene of Piiday ntg^t showed how lamentably 
Mb. Qladstonb's lenBo of pronriety has been perverted, by hu 
fretful irritation at a rebuke tne more painful beeaute it was 
iblt to be mesitod. It was not surprisiDg &at the Irish Ultra- 
montane Members should resort to every quibble disooverable in 
tiie technicalities V>f the law of Parliament to delay or defeat a 
measure like Ma. Fawcbtt's, which cuts the gron&d finom under 
their Tmal agitations, and their traffic in noisy disloyalty." 

This is mildness itself compared to the furious on- 
slaughts of the Papal organs in Ireland against the 
supporters of the Education Bill ; but then,^as no person 
in lus proper senses cares a farthing for any amount of 
howling by the Irish Papal press, whereas a journal of 
culture hits hard, we cannot complain that the Pope's 
men are incensed. ''Ultramontane," Madam, means 
" bevond the mDuntains ; " that ie, the Alps, and is a 
word applied to the men who take the priestly view of 
Papal authority. 

Mb. Mukbteb, a very young Member, who had that 
dav taken his seat after prolonged travel, moved that the 
P.M.G. had been guilty of breach of privilege. 

Mb. Disbabli made mirth of the propoaal, and said 
that, before attacking the libertyof the Press, he should 
Hke some more information. Were there any Ultra- 
montane Members in the House, and who were they P 

But your Irishmen of the present day have small sens^ 
of humour, and Mb. Disbabli caused them to wax 
angrier. So the Aitobnbt-Gekebal had to contend 



Apbil 12, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



149 



that the newspaper had not attacked the Ultramontanes in their 
Parliamentary capacity. He aid not make mnch of this id^ 
however, for an obviona reason: and« after some more excite- 
ment, Mb. Gladstoits was obligea to pnt an end to the nonaenfte 
by appealing to the MoT«r^ "whoee ezperimoe in Parliament 
had not been long accnmnlatinff," not to go toa» Tota» The oharge» 
of oonrse. was nnfonnded, —let the oomwaoiMttOM of that fact 
be enon^ Sm Jomr mmcanm (one of I2i» most Benable and 
gentlenumly of the Iriah Members) desoribeA this aa a^ haadsem ^ 
Btatonent, and thus flung oil on me tronbled Hibemian watin;^ 
The Motion was withdrawn* We don't think Uba wcne of a yoioiig- 
Member for being a little passionate^ bnt sAt seheel wa were-taiight 
that passion shonld take advice. The Fail JUM GfamUB sdbse^ 
Gjuenuy stated that its language had besBi tso» imgraaira%. that by 
Venal it lukl not meant peeimuuily 08nng%. hot thatr— 

<( Nodimg most be takaa to iaiily fl»twr4hiritm»Tn!— Milan KnriMis 
have not let ort i d to psrliamentary quibfalhig ftir tharMltat of BBa. JPii^weBs's 
Bill ; or thai there ii no noivf culojaUy in kriaad to. influence e l ael i oBa; or 
that the Totas of certain MtmtMn aie not at tln^dlip«al of a pxieatly patty 
whoM one aim is not the froad of the Slataf. hot tile voqierity oC their cmm 
Chnrdu This we do not think,, aad oaa midu no ayawgy for 



Mb. Fawcktt did bnag m lu» Dnib^ BSl. It ialimited to the 
doing awa^ with tlia Teat that esoindes tlio Gath<^, nd wa are 
onrions to know on iHiat flianrt t^ Catholics will oppose it 
Perhaps beoanse it does not impose a. Test to exdnde the Pioteatant. 

Fridaj/^—^j Lords rose for their BSutar holidays. 

Sm GsosGE JsNKnrsoir, in a Indd mannflr, pointed ont the great 
advantage that would arise from a railway between the Mediterra- 
nean and the head of the Persisa Gnlf. Persicos odi, puer, 
apparatus, replied Mb. Lows. If we interfere to promote the 
object. Turkey will infallibly let ns in for ti» eoet, and, said 
Mb. DonsoK, the making seven hundred ndleB> of rail through a 
howling wilderness, infested by howUng sswagee^ is not precisely a 
joke. Yet we shall probably see saoh a piojaet aooomplished. The 
House was Counted Out wmle AnnAHi Qrmoix was recounting the 
sufierings of Mb. Jxhckef, who waa a t ro eisos ly ill-treated by some 
wretches in Sfmin, and to whosa liie BpaaisiL Government will make 
no compensation. Ha ! there waa a. tima when the mention ol 
Jjemckxh's, or, rather, Jxvznre' Ears, reuaid a flame not east^rai- 
tinguished. But the House, in. 1873, had no. Sacs for Jxsgxbs^ 



;MATRIMONIAL MIXED PUNCH. 

IJbdxb the heading of '* Mixed Marriages," in a letter to the 
TitMs, ** Ohe Much Iktbbbstbi) " inquires what remedy is to be 
found for a grievance oonsiBting in the refusal of Roman Catholic 
Priests, by order of Abchbishop Manbikg, to celebrate mixed mar- 
riages between couples who deeline promising to be contented with 
the Roman Cathouo oeremony, and not have the Protestant per- 
formed either before it or after. The remedy ia simply to do either 
without the Roman Catholic marriage or without tha Protestant, 
whichever the partiss intending to maxry valae the less. People 
who^ do not hesitate to mix their mazriages. csa hardly be move 
particular about their denomination than pee|MB aoonstemed to mix 
their liquors are about their drink. For the foraer, one reliidous 
marriage ceremony ought to be as good aa anatlier, if only legaL They 
have no right to complain of Db. MAjnmrG. He has professional 
reasons for the oflice he has given his i^ests as to omoiating at 
weddings. This is a land of at least religious Uberty, and he and 
his der^ are a free hierarchy in a so far free State. Any other 
Dissentmg minister than the titular Archbishop wonhi be quite as 
much wiuiin his right if he were to take the same line in regand te 
mixed mairiaaea as that eoele8iastio's» and ridk the leaalt of a 
secession from Ebenezer. 

In the meantime, Mb. Miaxl. and the sest o£ yon,, beloved iwre- 
sentatives and constituents of the said Ebeneaer. and also of Little< 
Bethel, Salem, and so on, must yea not admit that the respeefcable 
British Pablie at latve is famished with at least one great cosveni*- 
enoe in an Bstabtishmsnt whoas Paraons are betmcTto marry all 
eomera provided there be no just oause or impedbgsent why thoee 
persons should not be joined together in holy msArimony P Aa far 
ss those reverend gentlemen are coBeemed^ yeia aae entirely at 
liberty to mix your marriages aa much aa ever yoa* pleaea, and aa 
many d yon axe blessed witk pretty danj^hteis, and, not m few. 
moreover^ have something to settle en them, it may be as wall tivadd 
that tiiere are, doubtless, many eligible young Churchmenidio would 

rladly afford you plenty of op port uni ties ox enjoying your blessed 

— lom in that partioalar. 



fladly 
freedo 



Shbotos aot Swctbw.— Among the "Fashions for April,'^ Ze 
FolUt announoes '* medium textures." Are these to be worn at 
UanMs for '' Spirit Photographs P " 



THE JUDGMENT OF PARtS. 




\5sr 



Mr DRAH Ma. RoBur- 

Yoir gentlemen 
(as jou call yona- 
s«lvea) are alwagw 
making f nn orsay ing 
dreadful things of us 
poor Engriiah ladies, 
because, you aay, we 
iotit know how to 
drefli ouraelves be- 
comingly and pret- 
tilv. Our taste is 
hiaeoualf vulgar, 
you tell iLs, in sucn 
matters ; and even 
aaUant Mr, Punch 
is sometimes impolite 
enough to make a 
fmiaf nictve jfiBl to show what frigJUs we loek. Then you bid us 
tak»a leesen £bbik out friends across the Channel, for you sav that 
Fmoahwoaen apa> models of aood judgment in the matter of their 
raiment. Well, c^^tait autrefois peutStre ; bnt they have changed 
all that,, I fancy, since the £m p&xss left them. At anv rate, see 
what a writer says now of the Judgment of Paris in its fashionable 
eestume :— 

'*The polychrome oaoophonjr of a fuMonable Paxis salon is intoleraMe to 
an educated eye. YeUows, pinks, bbise, ' puipleiL Ma-greens, Iftetternich- 
greens. geotoberry-purples {sic), aad other equally deeded hues jar and 
wrangle uke an asaembly of riragoes." 

Have politios, I wonder, any influenoe on the fashions F May the 
polychrome oaoophony now current in French drawing-reoms be 
regarded as resulting from the varied party-colours displayed in the 
Aisemblv K Can the jarring and the wrangling of the norribly dis- 
cordant nues in Paris evening dresses be occasioned by the j siring 
and the wrangling at Yersailles P 

Leaving you in your own profundity of wisdom to solve these 
knotty problems, I would ask what Mbs. Browit thinks of this 
further sample of French taste : — 

*' Fonneriy it nas oonsidesed not the thing to combine the plnmageef an 
ostricb, the produoti of a gseenhonae, aad the oontents of a jeweller'a shop in 
the same head. Any bsUs ParisissMS dispoaed to make such a diiplay, may 
now indulge her fancy without the risk of being laughed at" 

There, Sir I Now vou have your modsh of good taste i^ com- 
plete. Now you may behold your beautiful French ladies in all liieir 
native lovsknsss and elegance of ooetnme: their sei^green i&irti. 
with yellow bows, pixdc sashes, and goossbsrry^purph paniera. and 
their pyramids of ostrich plumes and primroees, and peonies perhaps, 
and pearls, and emeralds, and rubieS| and cornelians on their heads. 
And I trust that, with this pretty little picture frerii before your 
mental eyes, you will spare poor En^ish ladies from both your 
scathing sarcasm and your scarifying wit. 

With my best love to dear Miaa. Baowh, believe me 

Youra sineerely, 
JtliAJiA Jovifl. 



;To tlie Oareleia. 

This is an at tr a e ti v e advertisement :^ 

MAN and WIFE: Man thorough In-door Servant (onderstanda 
hunting things). 
Gentlemen who "never know where they've put" whatever it 
may be, would find this In-door Servant invaluable. J V LV^ 



150 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Apbil 18, 1873. 




DIFFERENT VIEWS OF HAMPSTEftD HEATH. 

Edvnn (to his Anffdina). ** With tou Br ky Sids, inr- veet Own, with you, I oould wandbr auonq thsss heavenlt Helub 
AND Dales FqE-jTrfs/** •; • , 

AnsfeUna (to her Edufin). M And so oould I with tou, ut vsbibst own 1 1 foe srxB, and ever, and EYER 1 ! T' 
Anffelina*s BisUr {to herul/).'^ " 0' dear he ! what a Tbottinq up and down it all is, to be Sube I " 



WHERE THE MONET COMES FROM ! 

A. GHKEB, a lusty oheer I Six-and-seyenty millions oUar I boys. 

Sore neyer snoh a re venue by State was raised before. 
In faoe of such prosperity, tifleo for the fear, boys. 

Of days wben Bull's huak diamond-fields tbeir finds shall yield 
no more! * ' 
In spite of strikes and struggles of Capital and Labour. 

How hammers rinfTt and forges roar, looms whizz, and shuttles fly! 
[n Competition's sooial game of beggar-me-my-neighbour, 

John Bull has neyer won so much, and neyer played so high. 

Bat what's this song that, sad and stronflr* I hear a blaokbird 
singing— 

How, more than loom and shuttle, imd more than forge and mine, 
*Tis the Tayem and tiie Qinshop these.millions in are bringring,— 

That more in drink, than wealth or work, John Bull may boast 
toshine: . 
That the top-root of our reyenue lies deep in sin and sorrow, 

▲nd feeds a fruit as fatal as Jaya*s Upa^-tree; , . 
That the best part of our surplus from our swinishness we borrow. 

And pay some twenty millions into beasts transformed to be. 

'Til for burials and for bridals Lows his surplus-fee is craying. 

That he]may raise his balances beyond experience high. 
By the Bullions paid to bury soul, sense, strength, speech, and 
saying. 

And to wed a horse's labour to the pleasures of a stye I 
Let parsons fight o'er yestments— ecclesiastical dressy men !— 

A fig for Churches I Bull proclaims his faith in spirits deep- 
That national prosperity, like a museum specimen. 

May most safely be committed to Alcohol to keep. 

Oar test's the Bpirit-Leyel, the Wittier, and Ezcisemsn I 
And if the one should mark John Bull low on tiie sodal scale. 



And the others, haying got John down, should keep him down, 
their prize, maUj 

As a set-off to the mischief, reckon up the money's tale. 
And let 's thank the British toper's ** spontaneous taxation." 

Not only for the millions that o'erswell the Exchequer's due. 
But for the superfioity, through this most favoured nation, 

Of sorrow, sin, and suffering— which have their surplus, too. 



THE POLICE ON A NEW FOOHNG. 

Alabmibts we are not, and would not write a word to frighten a 
cat, if we could help it, and much less an old lady. Still we cannot 
help remarking that burglaries of late have been frequent in the 
suburbs, and pupils of Sdl Sikes have broken the ^ace of eyen 
Kensington. It is small fault of the police if the thieves have not 
been caught: for how can a policeman, heavy-booted as he is, 
expect to catch a nimble robber, whose business Ib to run at the 
slightest sound of danger P The tramp of the Bobbeian boots may 
readily be recognised full half a mile away ; and Bill Sikes hais 
ample time to put hii crowbar in his pocket, and vanish round the 
comer, ere the Peeler, pede elaudo, can mana^ to come up to him. 
The heavy boots are, no doubt, useful in their way ; for instance, 
say for kicking to the station a ruffianly wife-beater. Still we can- 
not help opining it would add to the ssiet/ of our streets, if a Light 
Brigade ox Bobbies were established for night service, and furnished 
wiwgoloshei. 

<< Sing, Birdie, 9ing!" 

A YouNfi Lady Correspondent suggests that under the Wild Birds' 
Act the poor dear blackbirds and thrushes are protected. Nobody 
must kill a robin. Anybody may kill a blaokbira. Not so, if he is l 
stealing our cherries, for then ne m a robbin'. . ^Yery gocd, dear. 
We hope Alfhed thinks you as clever as we do. 



FDNOH, OB THE LONDON OHABIYABL— Apml 18, 1873. 




4t 



THE GREAT SELF-TAXED." 



Womohg-Maf. "mi-GOyNOEI-LOOK HEEEI WE'RE Iff PEOPLE S'MAKES TW SHURPLSH-NOW WHAR 
A' YOU AF OUR WILLUM GODP TDO FOR Tff PEOPLE I SH'LIKE ^J^NOTI^"^^^!^^ 



'* And pay some £20,000,000 into beatti traniformed to be." ( Vide Poem^ opponte.) 






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Apbil is; 1873.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



10S 



OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

Afitriher report on the Britith Mu»«tim,/rom Birds to Beetle*. 



\A/ 



E enter the Zoologi- 
cal Department, — 
After repfretfally 
qmttiiur tne EeaL 
and Mook Turtle 
UoMBL, filled with 
BpevMniB of the 
(Stmt Aldermanic 
itaifldtwheii these 
mmagtoM orawled 
ftbwtt over the faoe 
«l liie earth label- 
led ^<Thi8 Day at 
1 «*i»look," aad 
what «ven the yery 
mud «B the hanks 
was —inly com- 
posed «f freen fat, 
1 etrolled into th© 
Zoolagicd Depart^ 
ment, with a Tiew 
to making the m- 
qoaifiUnce of The 
Ajiierican (MoK 

bv| ttud the encfty 
l^iid of the same 
qpeBJes, whiohmnkes 
a sham entrance oa the sUe «f its nert in onkr to deoeiye its 
creditors. The name of IAm last is the Sani^ersBmo Swallow : in 
English the Jeremy Diddler Swallow. The lulor-lwd is also 
exhibited, with, of coiaBe, fab little bilL I hssfe bo dsobt he ia 
occasionally much boftheied by the San 6eronimo't^«iiflBB. 

The Rooms are dmgff ons to «aQh aa wiflc aavrenly, or with a 
rollinff gait, on aooonnt of the glass ewes built np against the walls, 
and uie islands of more glass eases, in the miost of channels 
requiring careful navigation. 

The guardian of this department has, I noticed, a martial bearing, 
and marches np and down shouldering what appeared to me to be a 
billiard cue, as though he were playing at soldiers. ** Perhaps,^' I 
said to myself, '* he is plaring at soldiers. And whynot? It is a 
harmless recreation, and he must otherwise find life here a trifle 
monotonous among the Reptiles, the BatEaohia, and the Radiated 




I came upon him five times during the morning, and he was still 
marddng about with the biDiard cue. A happy and pladd exist- 
ence, all among the stuffed exotics, with plen^ of food for the 
imagination out of meal-times, and full lioerty to fancy himaelf 
whatever he pleases as long as he doesn't Iveak any of the ^flass 
cases with that billiard one. I thought once that I would ask mm a 
question suggested by the ooUeetians ; it was this, ^' Why is a Tor- 
toise like a jSeeP" I was preparediwith the answer; something about 
both making combs. On oonsideration, I was afraid this would 
ruffle his perfect serenity, induce melancholy, and cause him to be 
disoontented with his lot ; so I kepfit to myself, and smiling upon 
him benignly (when his back was turned), murmured, *' Play on at 
soldiers, I would not disturb thee for the worid. Right about face I 
March! Farewell, taiTB soldier ! " and then I betoek myself to the 
Toads, the Frogs, the 1^ and the Homed Toads of BraziL 

What would the unlasmed in such matters make of the '* Siren of 
Carolina?," It sounds like the name of a Uack Soprano. The name 
is an attraction. I mean, were your Repiesestflctive informed, by 
an excited perwrn^ that by^going at ones to the Brittsh Museum, he 
could, for nothing, see ** The Snen of CaroHna," he would itlii» at 
the offer, and run all the way there to catch herbelore ahe lett. But, 
stay I Impetuous Reader, p«ne I IViends at a ditftsnoe will please 
accept the following intinatnn, and wfe thenunlves aome anxiety 
and trouble : — 

The Siren qf Carolina is a sort of an eel taith front legs. That 's 
alL Like a Soprano, however, it is gifted with lungs, and, like a 
nigger in the '* Chriaty GoHeotion,^ it has ** gills." 

The humour of the nomenclature is really immense, and tiie oom- 
pilers of the Q-uide to the British Museum must have had many a 
mirthful hour, after dinier, when making up thmr book in anticipa- 
tion of the series of glorious seUe which they were ooncooting for 
the pubHe. 

The Siren, above-mentioned, is not a bad <me in its way. It is, 
perhaps, outdone by the Salamander of Japan. Now, Sirs, I consti- 
tute myself a Committee of Inquiry, and I call into court before me, 
four sloUed witnesses, Mb. S. L. Blahchabd, who has written the 
Drury Lane Pantomimes for any number of years past ; Ma. Dtk- 



WTVKTir, who makes the masks : Mb. Beveblbt, who paints the 
scenes ; and Mb. CHAiTEBiav, who is a specially Beneficent Provi- 
dence to the Renters, and « Tecoffnised caterer for Christmas, and I 
ask them, singulatim^ " What^ Bb, would be your idea of a Sala- 
mander of Japan ?" 

What would they individuaQjr and collectively answer? Why^ 
that he was the very f eUow for die opening of a Pantomime ; that 
he might be trusted with some good lines to say ; Ihat he would be 
dressed in red, with tinsel on Ide eyf^ds «id roangles all over him ; 
that he would be attended \if l&f^ Spidtes Flame. Fireflv, Snap- 
dragon, attired in costnmea stitched ^ith gun-cotton, and accom- 
panied by Guarda armed with Luciier Matches warranted to strike 
on every one's box but their own ; that his Palace wonhf be in the 
Glowing Caverns of the Fiery Phlegethon \ aad that throughout the 
first scenes this Salams&dffir of Japan would be the patron of the 
savage old Tycoon who wished to part the pair of Japanese Lovers 
whom his hereditary anUcoiuBt* The Fairy of the Flowing Foun- 
tain would of course jprctest. .Aoid the 'pubUOy one and all, would, 
hearing this description, taj aloid^ ^fiaar I Hear ! ! Hear 1 1 1 Yes. 
Thai's the Salamander of Japan !^ 

And what is it at Che Bnlaii Mhshbu ? Why, an amphffnous 
mnimal^ to whom the eight of « ibe wwald be Instantaneous death. 
Vk'L^tii any respectahle Manage. r to attem|it to palm this creature off 
on the public aa a Salamander in a Chnatanas Pantomime, my four 
witnenes, above-mentioned, a^ee with me that such an imposition 
woidd end in the benchei bein? torn up, the Manager called for and 
pelted, and, in faot, and litaniliy, it would be an ^eot that would 
^' bring down the House." 

Eoom 2.— On tsbles 7 and 8 «n laid out the Sea Pancakes. 
Whence iM» divisiin might be t sa na d the Shrove Tuesday Room. 
The Guide- H(Xik says of these Itecafaes that they are *'so de- 
prens^d' -^ — I should think ao, being dried up, and stuck in a 
glaas-oase. Whf, to look at them, without even a fossil lemon and 
Biigar, and to thmk of a fossilised indigestion, and how well ordered 
W!^4 everythiD^ lor the ** Capaciov Mouth" in the Aldermanic 
Pi^LLod of ih& world's existence, is emra^ to make one melancholy. 
The Catalofue Qt ia just to finish Khe quotetion) continues—** So 
depressed that Aere scarcely appears to ie any room for their inter- 
nal oraans." And on this I must lemark, that it is a pity to see 
Britisn Museum Cataloguists become, by their occupation, so narrow- 
minded as to reduce everything in creation to their own notion of 
arrangement. Because the Museum is divided into rooms, is that 
any reason for &. wretched Sea Pancake to be so divided? Why 
should a Sea Pancake have a room for an organ inside it ? Or rooms 
for organs ? Could they prove the poor depressed creature to have 
been a Musical Sea Pancake, there would have been some excuse for 
their remark. I oaonot quit this department without drawing 
attention to the varieties A beetles from South Amenea, aome of 
them being nearly as big as lobsters, and as vicious-looking as a 
villain of tiie deepest dye in a melo^aoa. The kitchen of a South 
American house must be a pleasant sight at twelve o'clock at night 
for the master of the house, who, retuning heime late with a latch- 
key, and not liking to arouse the ssrvaata, descends to the basement 
to see what there may be cold for supper, and to tap the beer. The 
Domestic Black Beetle ** in his thousands " is quite an agreeable 
companion compared with the ** Gigantic Gbliath," and the homed 
genera of tfaos species. Goliath I see, however, is a naitive of Africa, 
where I trust some wooUy-headed Davtd may aoon stamp him out. 
Seeing these beetles, I am very grateful for being an Eni^lishman. 
Beadkdom is ptelenble to Beetledom. Brazil, I observe, is a great 
plane for beeties, or, I should say, a plaoe for great beetles. 

Sappy Thought.'^Loi^t go to BraziL 

The Museum is not dene in a day, nor is an account of it pcfobed 
off in <me number. I will oendudb my visit next week. 

In the evemng I refreshed myself with Trieodke et CaoUet at the 
New Royal^. Rather strong : but the ladies laughed. Andao, as 

the poet says But I have not time to find out wUoh poet, or 

whatheasys; and ao I am for ever 

*' Avant^ pendant, et apres," 

YouB RBpfiflBaEXxaxm. 



Tbe Wedneiday Topa. 

Ojt Wednesday evening^ during the season, there is generally a 
concert, besides other music, going on. On Wednesdays, also, the 
House of Commons is usually engaged in disouasing a liquor law, 
or some other preposterous jneasuie, proposed hf an hooDunible 
fanatic Shouts of " Sing I " are sometiiaes heard on these occasions, 
but nobody attempts to, and thus the harmony of the evening is 
undisturbed. Thou^rh quavers are absent from Wednesday's debate, 
the attention of tiie House iseo often devoted to a crotchet, that 
Wednesday might as well be called Orotohet Day in the House of 
Commons. 



lU 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[April 12, 1873. 




BUSINESS AS USUAL.'' 



Charles, "Well, James, I suppose as toi7*ll be able to take it East this Season, now that toub Oldest Toung Lady's 
TuBNED Off?" 

James, ** Ah I but thebe 's the Youngest a Comin* Out ; so we 're much as we was." 



APEHi THE FIBST. 

A fragment. Shomna how All Fool^ Day was solsmnly kept hy 
Mastebs Tommt Mebton and Habbt Sandfoed in the house of 
their beloved Tuior^ Me. Bablow. 

Ax six o'dook in the morning of April the First, Tommy and 
Habby rapped londlv at the door of their heloyed Tntor's bedroom, 
which they were unable to open, owing to Mb. Bablow haying taken 
the precaution, oTomight, of turning the key on the inside. 

He was dreaming[ of an auction, whereat he was engaged in bidding 
for a brassrplate with his name on it, when, with the third blow of 
the hammer, he awoke to the consciousness of his hmg summoned 
by a knocking which was now repeated with increased yiolence. 

'* How strange," murmured Mb. Bablow, drowsily, to himself, 
" are auricular delusions ! " And he was about to give himself up, 
once more, to slumber, when a terrific blow, severely trying the 
strength of the panels, caused him to sit upright in bed, and demand 
the reason for such an unwonted display of energy. 

*' I protest Sir," said Masteb Tommy from outside, while Habby 
could scarcely restrain the exuberance of his mirth by stuffing a 
pocket-handkerchief into his mouth, " I protest. Sir, that I would 
rather haye died than that you should haye been dirturbed in your 
repose, which, as you haye often taught us, is so necessary alike to 
the health both of mind and body. And, indeed. I would not now 
oaU upon you to leaye your warm and comfortable couch, but that 
my father '* 

*' Who," thought Mb. Bablow to himself, *' is a yery wealthy 
man*" 

*' is here," continued Tommy, " and most anxious to see you 

on business of the yery last importance. He is now sitting in the 
library with a cheque-book before him, and says that if you are 
unable to join him forthwith, the loss will be, he reg^rets to say, 
yours, as he must guit this house within the next two minutes." 

*'Tell your honoured parent, my dear Tommy," exclaimed 
Mb. Bablow, *' that he shall not be delayed one instant longer than 



is absolutely necessary for my compliance with the ordinary reouire- 
ments of that society of which he is so admirable an ornament" 

So saying, he stepped from his bed, and, in less than one minute 
and a half, was descending the stairs to the library, the door of 
which was slightly ajar. 

Tiiough not yet entirely in command of all his senses, Mr. Bablow 
was careful to press Ms hair down tidily with both hands, rub his 
eyes, and cause his features to assume that benign smile which so 
well became him. 

These preliminaries being settled, he addressed himself in a hearty 
tone to Mb. Mebton, whom he supposed to be within, previous to 
pushing open the door. 

** My dear Mb. Mebton — " began the beloved tutor of Tommy and 
Habby, as he entered the room, when, suddenly, the contents of a 
pail of cold water, craftily suspended by hooks, and balanced 
between the cornice of the door-post and the top of the door, were, 
hy the movement of the latter, emptied on Mb. Babi/)W*8 head, 
with such force as to deprive him for a while of breath, and to 
render Mm unable to ascertain clearly what was before hinu 

On partially recovering from the shock, he saw what appeared to 
him to be a boy standing by the table ; and entertaining no doubt 
but that he had been the object of some innooent froUo on the part 
of his fond pupils, he rushed forward, and grasped the boy by the 
collar, who, offering no resistance, f eU to the ground, carrying along 
with him Mb. Bablow, whose feet, having caught in the centre of a 
system of strings, which were attached to every article of more or 
less weight and value in the room, brought to the ground all^ the 
crockery, the glasses, the books, the china ornaments, the ink- 
botties, the water-jars, the inkstands, and some reoentiy framed 
pictures, with one overwhelming and appalling crash. 

Scarcely had Mb. Bablow discovered that the boy he was 
belabouring was only an ingeniously contrived dummy, before the 
voioes of his two belovedpupils were heard at the door. 

•• Indeed, Sir," cried Habby, " I think you are an April FooL" | 

" I vow and protest, Sir," said Tommy, ^* that in this matter I am I p 
of the same opinion as Habby. And, truly, your present podtion ^^ 



Apbil 12, t8»3.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



10^5 




THE MOSAIC IRISHMAN. 

Air—" I%4 Min$tr$l Boyr 

Thb words ye ipake, Bishop YAUGHAir/s as thrue 

Astiie olock beneath the steeple. 
The Trirfimm is the modem Jenr ; 

,bedad,IhePe(^ 



The Jaet'i u idain aain Debxoi's lace 
Ihe eyea, and lipa, and nose is. 

Tlie diTU a do«bt about the race. 
Save, 0'Bb£W might be O'Moses. 

Then 's Egypt beyond tiie green Red Sea 
That 70 <m11 Bt George's Channel. 

And a thribe of Ban in our midst hsiB we, 
02he kin of oar Gbaaq^aon £ak*l. 

Briokft and mortar, in PKAft40X*6 land. 
Oar childher faa^e bone their backs on, 

Among the Philistines ; nnderstand, 
Ithelbaie ami the brutal Saxon. 

Hie hacp, onoe borne byiiielBnrtrel Boy, 
To tiie ranks of death behind him. 

Was the same 'Sim Dayid did empkor , 
When hie tonafol thougklB inclined him. 



AQQRAVATINQ FLIPPANCY. 

Uaefidma^r (to OrnammUtd SisUr, who haa been hewaUing the dulnus of her 
ansten^ for the kui hour). •« Bblla., tov'ke the most egotjstioal CRKimrsE 

I EVER Mm* IN MY LlYX!" 

Bella (who alvrays gUi out of ePnyOmff vfUh a johe). *' Well, Jane f if I ^ijf 

EOOTISTIOAL, AT ALL MWMMa 1T'« OHbT MMVT iMIWMLFi^ 



I'd like to kaiMr.fvom a Hebrew root 
If -^ don't derive ''Bhillelagh." 

And IS not Ssabbach a name, to*boet, 
Ihstuvald fitm spouse for Shelas P 

Then'alshiof liidcstoinabeuptbe chain 

In that aame eonoateiMiien. 
O'SuLLiYAV is but floidOmnfB, plain. 

With a thrifle of altemtion. 

An Irish lad is a Maccabee 

That 'ud fight for his faith Likeiory. 
And all allow that an Irishry 

Is the likes of an iligant Jewry. 

Maybe that we don't yet cry ** or do ! " 

About in tiie tone of sorrow ; 
Nor lend much at eent-per-oent, although 

Thffe'a a law ef us that boraew. 

But o'er the face of the Earth we roam, 

The MisBioiiwaef piety, 
For order famed like we are all at home ; 

And we taohe mankind sobriety. 



reminds me of 2%» Ch^fthmder and the AprU Fool, whiah story, as 
you have not yet heard it, I will now prooeed ^* 

At this moment, howerer,^ JSotler, iHio haying been startled 
by the prodigious noise, had approached gnietly, took the young 
gentlemen gently but firmly by the ooUar, and before they were 
aware of his intention brought them into the room* 

Mb. Barlow, having slowly risen, now looked the door ; and while 
wrocceding to open a safe labelled, in large ohsraoters, B*reh*s 
^f^ ^'"'^•Var /W. thus addressed his yonnff friends :- 

'!J^ Festival of 'iUl pools' Day' is celebrate^ or, to keep pace 
with the humour of the day, I should say ssZT-ebrated, in vanous 

*^d Sir, please ^ 

"Youth must have its flinr, and its whack." Here Mb. Bablow 
produced a brand new birch, tied round with violet riband (for ' 
Mb. Bablow was acquainted with the ecclesiastical colour of the 
Lenten season), and then continued, ** I am indeed unacquainted 
wiUi the anecdote you have juat named, Mastbb Tommt, 
but I vnll ^^^^witii fflurtrate, strikingly, another, eoneeming 
Gieenlapd, wlueh is called The Bod md the Rinng Wake. BnTKs,^ 
tetiteBntkr, ** prepare tite bloek for the first oatT" 

• • • • •• « 

Here we imitate Mb. Bablow'8 ezamv^, and draw a weiL 

"Hius 1^ April tbe First kept in the Happy Home of tin Beloved 
Tator of Sahbyobd and Mbbtoit. 



FIOUB PUFFHBa 

Mr. Povoh has been faroured with tiie Card of a oertain Anooia- 
tion lor the sale of Tea. He has no objection to make to the state- 
ments of the advertisers, but he thinks this paragraph snggeetive :— 

<* Our Tea is offered to all who with to buy it at 2«. per lb. ; but for the 
present Local Preaohen otdf will be allowed the Duoouut for aelliug it. If 
thev take the matter up heartily, the PmilBffe will be oontiaiied to them 
ezoiusiTely." 

Pmi^eh wishes he had aeen this befbte tiie first debate on the 
BurialsBilL He would have eent it to eae of the oraten,iHio could 
have used it against the measure. A Local Preacher who heartily 
pushes the sale of tea is not likdv to be pedantically observant of 
what the carnal world eaUs good taste. We can imagine such a 
Vessel dismissing a funeral concourse thus: **And now retire, 
brethren and sisters, to meditation and mediate refreshment, for 
which latter purpose I humbly repveeent unto you that there is 
nothing better, in this vale of tears, than the exeellent Tea which I 
can supplv at two shillings." Perhaps some M.P. who intends to 
speak on tiie next stage of the Bill will re 



[register this Memorandnm. 



cubidxjb KOir-oonrciDflircs. 

PbifotBisk^ck celebrated his fifty^htiibirtiriay on Tuesday 
]«st week. So BisitABac, you see, was bom on the First of April, i 
Do you know what day it is P All Fools : and Bismabci:, certainly, I 
IS not one of them. . 



Minute Tithes. 

An award of a small rent-charge on newly cultivated market- 
gardens, made by the Tithe Comminioners, nas been announced 
under the headin^r of '* Market Garden Tithe." Antiquity may be 
quoted for this tribute, of whose payment certain parties in Palestine 
onoe made a pretence of merit. Under the head of Gkrden Tithe, 
our modem Sabbatarians might, like their predecessors, pay tithe 
on mint, anise, and cummin. Only some of them are Nonooniormists, 
who would not pay any tithe whatsoever if they could help it. 



156 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Apbil is, 187S. 




OUR RESERVES. 

3B0E HODOE 1 " (iVb onBto 
Voice from the Ranks. " Pleas*, Snt, he 's tubned DisaENTEK, Ain) sati FiOHTiNa 's Wicked.' 



Captain of RimU Corpe {oaUimg over the JWZ). " Geoboe Hodoe I " (iVb anewer.) " Geobgb HoDaE I— Where oh Eabth 's Giobob 

HODOB f " 



EIDDLE FEOM EUSSIA. 

It it, of oourie, oompHinentary to ub Eaglisli that the " highly 
oultivated Raiaianfl" should oondesoend to reoognise oar language 
at alL We are too proud of ^eir deigning to use any of our 
barbarous jargon to think of oomplaining that, when they advertise 
in English, they do not take much trouble oyer a ** nice derangement 
of epitaphs," Here is an advertisement sent to us from the St. 
Petersburg Exchange News. It has appeared four times without 
any correotion, so we suppose it is understood in Russia :— 

LilLND-HOLDBB. 
2S year, to have tkinjr tkonsand rable Clreuutanees, Imnoblllty, 
to wlflli Foenter •plritnal Biarriasref land-holder mlw, orthodox 
coBfeMloa, of faith to have elreaautanees immobllltjr, althoash a 
half deflisntatloa. To address Addlasr protosrraphle eard : Orel 
poste-restaat WL B* 

After giving to this announoement our moct dellherate study, we 
seem to arrive at the oonclusion that the writer is a young landed 
proprietor, with an inalienable income, who wishes to make a 
brilliant marriage with a young lady of the orthodox Greek persua- 
sion, who has also an inalienable income, although this latter is a 
secondary consideration* But why he has taken so much pains 
with his Dictionary, and why he advertises at all in what he sup- 
poses to be English, we do not understand. If he will explain in a 
similar charming style, our columns shsll be as open to him as Khiva 
is to the arms of his Czar. 



'^ A Short Idfe and (not) a Mony one." 

{Apropos ofU, Ga£vT's resignation of the Freeidenoy of the Assembiie 
Naiionak,) 

Such an Assembly can scarce last long, 
Now even GBivr finds their sauce too strong. 



UMYJfiRSITY PAVOUBfi. 

OxFOED and Cambridge each denotes her Crew, 
This with a light, that with a dailwr blue. 
Our damsels, too, those several colours wear ; 
For ribbons any pretext serves the Fair. 
But man may mark, and ask the reason why. 
They nearly all the Cambridge ens^ fly. 

Do Oantabs, then, Oxonians much excel 
In person, manners, mind, magnetic spell P 
Or can it be that girls at large adore 
The Classics less, the Mathematiei more P 

Such questions may phnosophers perplex ; 
Ah, versed too little with the gentler mx. 
Thou verdant Sage I Compare those rival bines'; 
With dress and wearer, both, connote their hues. 
Into thy mind this truth will then be borne : 
The more becoming 'tis that 's meetly worn. 



The French Oame of War. 



Thb Due d' AuiCALB, on his reception at the French Academy the 
other evening, made a speech in which he said, ** Poor France^ok 
up thy broken sword, labour, and take heart" The son of the ISssot 
OF THB Fbbvch has known, as they phrase it, how to trik to his 
country. '* Pick up thy broken sword '^ is good, but would not the 
picture suggested by that advice have been improved upon in sig- 
nificance u the apostrophe had been, '* Poor France, pick up thy 
broken drum "P 



CEBKISIRT FOB THB GZiiE. 

' Whit are the Russians to do with Khiva when theyhave^'g 



n they have^got 

itP" asks the Times. Well; perhara they jriU.deooinpqseJaie 

ofBadva,andpredpitafctiieKhan. OTCTCFglC^ 



Khanate < 



»Mt,i««at 



' WUii««n. I« tM aw «( I<oa««A. AAA rmbttah«A ^ kia, ftt Mo. «, riMt SITMI, lA «^ 



o au M « MM i ff 1. BiM>aiy , Aftw, e 0»., Ha 
"\ oitr 01 LMAHb-SisvmBAT. Afiu u. isri. 



Apbil 19, 1873.1 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



157 




MR. PUNCH'S DESIGNS AFTER NATURE. 

OBIUT SENSATION FOR THB AQJJASLUJK—CfOIFFUME OCTOPUS. 



LIGHT IN LOW LIFE. 

SciEHiiFic sagM, for lome time, wen fare that Bnov made a mistake in 
Ma^fired^ where the Spirit of Ooean dnga :— 

*< In the blue depth of the waten. 

Where the wave hath no strife. 
Where the wind is a stranger. 

And the lea-snake hath life. 
Where the mermaid is deckinf. 

Her frreen hair with shells ; 
like the storm on the sur&oe. 

Came the sound of thy spells." 

Their Sapienees held that, out of aonndiaga, as soundings then were, there 
ooold he no Itfe at the hottom of the sea. Sinoe then, however, the sea has heen 
sounded full fathom two thousand, and more, and living oreatures have heen 
detected in its hed, wMoh mav therefore he oompared to manv a one in a marine 
lodging hboae. To ho sure, the explorers have not caught the sea-serpent yet, 
nor dredged up a mermaid, hut they have discovered lots of other w;onderful 
forms of seafaring animal life. Among these some are furnished with eyes, 
and the question is how do they see with tiiem ? Certainly another poet than 
the nohle one ahove quoted avers, anonymously, that :— 

** The snQ*s perpeudioular height 
Illumined the depths of the sea." 

But, although in this statement also poetry may torn out to coincide with 
matter-of-fact, one does not see how any fish can do so with a mile and a half 
of water hetween them and the sun. Far-darting Apollo can hardly be sup- 
pused capable of shooting his beams such a long way as down to the deepest 
recesses of Nei»tane. Yet the inhabitants of these regions rejoice not only in 
eyes, but also in vivid colours— like you, dears. Dn, C. Wtvilui Thomsobt, 
in his recent work. The Depths of the Sea^ suggests that the submarine light 
may, below a certain depth, be anarded to the population by one another, many 
of them being phosphorescent If that is so, then these radiant denizens of 
the deep, which lisrhten the darkness of Davy Jones's looker, are your true 
radiata ; these, look you, zoologists, are your genuine star-fishes. 



CHANGE OF BBSIDJUICS. 

Thb Gentleman who resided Over a Week in Bond Street, is now lodging 
Over a Wax-chandler's in the same quarter. 



A STATUE FOR LOWE. 

Shall our Bob bet have a statae P 

If BO, we must agree 
What the style, cost, and materials 

Of that monument should be. 
First, the work must please our Atbton, 

So it must not be a job ; 
Then for cost, we must insist on 

Our bob*s-worth for our Bob. 

For material— precious metals, 

Of course we must discard : 
E'en true bronze would come expensive. 

And Atrton screweth hard. 
And I hardly fancy marble 

For Buoh a work would do, 
Unless a new cheese-Parian 

lu Attic quarries grew. 

Alabaster, in our climate. 

Would hardljT last as long 
As Bob's fame, in joint-keeping 

Of his Budgets, and our song : 
Perhaps of all materials. 

Brass must fittest be oonfest — 
Not the true .^e Corinthiaea. 

Bat one mixed of worst and best. 

As for style— we most discover 

A kind of golden mean. 
Where the modern free and easy, 

Blent with the old classic 's seen. 
But of sentiment, or ideal, 

Not a trace the work must show ; 
Atrton would hold it wicked 

To waste High Art on Lowe. 

Then for treatment, some would teU you, 

That, considered by the card. 
As Bob treats deputations. 

It could not be too hard : 
Nor could it, if the treatment 

Of BoB*8 statue modelled be. 
On the treatment Clerks and Writi^rs 

Get from Bob's own Treasurie, 

Bat PtmcA's pet-designer 
Long since the statue planned : 

On a basis of old Budgefii, 
With a save-all in its hand, 

Li which— for useful purpose- 
As utility's the go. 

We might candle-ends stick nightly, 
And, as street-lamp, light up Lowe ! 

His form must stand defiant. 

In act a cheese to pare : 
With his sharp, shrewd tongue in action. 

And his pen drawn keen and bare. 
And every one that sees it 

From afar, must cry—" That 's Lowe I " 
And in his smile sardonic, 

Instinctivelyv read " No." 
If , as usual, on the pedestal. 

Four has^reUefe appear, 
Li one, I 'd have Lowe making 

Five quarters of a year : 
Ll another. Bull from Income-tax 

B^pite to ask should go— 
" Bas-relief ^^ you may call it. 

Who ask that boon from Lowe I 

In the third, I would show Robebt 

In Mat Arnold's mantle dight ; 
And on it this inscription, 

" Sweetness, behc^, and light" 
One hand from su^ taking 

Half a farthing in the pound ; 
One behind, a match-box hiding, 

YTith " LuceUum ex Luce " crowned. 

In the fourth, I 'd have the subject 

That this week's Cartoon has nit— 
Bob, hii " conscience money " dropping 

Into Jomr Bull's letter-sUt : 
With lo<^ and gesture, saying, 

" This penny back to earn. 
Say, Income-tax Assessors, ^ r\4rAr> 

How oft your screw must turn r " 



vol. LXIV. 




PUNCH, OB TAB LONDON GHARIVARL 



[Apbil 19, 1873. 



PARLIAMENT. 



wiB Monday, AprQ 7.— 
Master Slenaer oried 
**Mam" when the 
BTippofled Mktreis 
Ann Page was to 
cry "Budget; "but 
his experiment was 
not BO suooessfol a^, 
toindaoethe Hons^ 
of Commons to imi* 
tate it to-night< 
Although Mb. Lows 
was to proclaim Bad- 
get, the House was 
BO far from hmag 
Mom that it asked 
two oolamns of ques- 
tions before it would 
allow the Chavobl- 

LOR OF THB Ex- 
CHSaiTBB jbo :g«t At 

boBinesB. 

One qaeiywas to 
the point, wi it was 
raised by Mb. Sia- 
PLETo^, who qniatfy 
demanded whetfier 
(reoolleoting Amri* 
oan nnpleasantmsBB) 
British subjeotswaro 
not to be prerenlsd 
from raising momsy 
to promote the cause 
of Ghableb we 
Skysivth in fijpain. 
Mr. Gladbtoits Baid that the Grown Lawyers saw nothing illegal in the 
subscription, and therefore that it would not be interfered with. Well, we 
allowed Oabibaldi .to obtaiu avms and money here in order to place Yictob 
EMiCAinrEL where he now 4s, and we suppose that the same rule must apply, 
espegially as wB.do,>not eren recqgnise the Spanish Republic. But if Sipain were 
not a weak Power, we might hear a tUttle more on this subject. 

Mb. Chichbbteb foBTESCine was, shall we say. a little exploBiTe P^no, oidy. 
a little impressive, inhisdeo l a ffa tittn that the Board of Trade had no favouritism 
which would preheat «Mrtain'#f Mb. Fumsoll's accusations from being fully 
inyeetigated. 

Mb. Atbtok mad^Mi ««bserwMen 4fphieh Mr. Punch-^not that ^ntleman's 
most devoted admire»<rflpeoeidewith pleasure. In reference toeomoMosaies in 
the Gentral Hall, Mb. Atbimi said tluit the artist received £150 for his design, 
while the meie^meohaqies who -earned it out received £500. He did not call 
this enoouT MC t o aiof^Agt ; aad-in gef o>snee to Frescoes, he had determined not 
to go on with them, deALfiog toJhaiM wodu of Art, and not revivals of the works 
of a semi-barbarous peviodof aeeoratiQn* It is clear that the JSdile has been 
thinking .oi9r;theBe.iQiittei», 4m4 tiMtt some oorveot ideas are beginning to dawn 
on hii mind. 

In reply to complaint l^yMB. G^Benoskck .about Gounts Out. Mb. Gladstoitb 
said that ne was not vithe J^ouse on the preceding Friday, as ne was unable to 
leave his bed all day. At jUub the Libmls broke into load ebeering. They 
reminded Mr. Punch of what Cotmn Phcsnix said about the doty, iniBsdafH,. 
of cheering whenever Mb. Pm*8 name was mentioned, and about the iEUnue 
being ready to applsnd if «a Member had announced that Mb. Piiiihad inaibled 
down in a nt in the lobby. 

Mb. G. BxHTurcE mentioned that Mb. Gicadwick had Oooated Oat the 
House from spite. But he immediatdy-iwithdrew the un-BarJiiaiiiestaisytwacd. 
and substituted '* Retaliation," which, being a word of six ayUi^lss, mbm of 
course more soothing to the ieelings than a word of one. There is a singularly 
hidden virtue in i)oly8yllableB, and, indeed, in all redundancy of expression. 
Tell a man that he \& a stupid ass, and he does not, as a rule, look much pleased ; 
but tell him that^ Ai^arsio you to fail in the power of exactitude in appre- 
ciating the queetion.at issue, ana lie smiles, as if you had doue him a fayour. 
Mb. U. Bbrtivck also o^Mivved ihat the Opposition always Counted Out with 
great judgment, hut the Mima^rt^iifta j^ not ; a remark not received with 
unanimous plaudit. 

But then, Madam, m^Jgo/tAi the Budget ior 1873. Mb. Lowe did net make 
a very effective lipeesh. Aame^said that he was not in good form, having been 



and the rest, without new taxation by Exchequer 
Bonds, if finaaass are unlucky. 

5. He takes<off half the Sugar Duty, after May 8th. 

6. He takes One Penny off the Inoome-tax. Here he 

probably Winked at hii Private Mind, and mur- 
jnured something about Surcharges, which enable 
Jummy well to affotd a slight expenditure of 
(hMMMe MoncT. Oar Income-tax is now to be 
TkreeBsQce, which, he added, yields quite as 
m»th»a8when 6xB tUnoiBi Peel laid it on, at 
6s«mAnM^inl»i2. 
. Se exempts from Tax^eKon Hotol Servants and 
those '* of persons who deal in intoxicating 
liquors." It must be^fdlewed that the lattor have 
Hir h^^gfflwr**— -P^Tfi|iia«fAra, and from his point 
jf HM W F imght to be-rewarded. 

B.^Thus, he reduces the apvplus to £291,000. 

^. Paring the year he niill pay the Americans their 
Three Millions odd/xeduoe The Debt by £6,000,000, 
and relieve toxation by £2,885.000. 

"There was the usual jwoidaional oommsnt. The Agri- 
cullnrists eamplained iliat nothing was^aone for them. 
Bott i^ fliflrns atejto be-troitodi— 

<' lies, hoDMt farmer, youtnay ^rastear-chysie ; 
Bomething wiU foU0w-«la ftUiag^is»er' 

Sib Wilfbid LAwaoKimadeianefyiiiirmiteBt against 
any vejoioing at our haiviag Dnmk omwdIvos out of the 
Alobmna diffioulty. ^e have dioaedj^ though. Snt 
IffAJUOBBi Scott quotta^ 

'««|0 the pari4i, Ibe piriflli.^tii».Tiaishi 
O.the pariih of bonny Qlanfidl ! 
1?li«y 'ye baiifit the Minister, stiekit^h^^Biesentor, 
JBamt tke Chonh, andteakthe^BeU." 

fie ^'iUndEB he should like to hscie knesnMMmiethinflr of 
these- jue t i topous people." We Jhaaie jiot degenerateo. 

Waniings were given, from aewal quarters, against 
the jpresent systsBr of assessiug the Income-tax. 

M!b. Lowe said that the country was still on the full 
tide of prosperity. 

B«Bolutions in favour of portions of the soheme were 
agaeed to» and the House rose lor the holidays, until 
tiieSlst 

TouchiDg .4he cnesiher itt this aeasoon. Madam, Mr. 
Punch would make ji Shakspearian remark or two. 
MereuUo accuses BenvoUo of *^f ailing out with a Tailor 
for wearing Ju0 new/doublet .before Easter." Gentiemen 
never fall out with taUors, except when they make bad 
«kithes, ror snnt to be ^paid. But lauy iailar, .or iither 
person, who put^m-nssrvfaKments bdEoiethis passont 
Eastor* Jnuct EaTO been an idiot. Pandarus says that if 
Orsssic^ weve not Jus relatijve '* she would seem as fair 
tohimjmJ'fldayjMJXs^.flii 6unday." All the ladies 
whom Mr. Pmih beheld <on Oood Friday looked pinched 
and lepeoeiohfal, thaa^ to the East Wind, ana thinjSfs 
were oet'ttesded on 'Baster fiujiday. Posterity may like 
toknowtSuttfaei^eneral^oodftion of tiie EngUshmind 
at this period of history was that of unadulterated Solki- 
jfiess^aprsfleotiflnsif tbeikiqs> 



^mfiPLABfi ISKRAfU) AfiTD NTFPY. 

A.iCMBmoi» iind August tisiQsaotion was .soknuused 
entile eveiaQg of Monday tot week at the Freemascm's 
HfewHail, in Great dueen Street. LincQln's Inn Fields. 
This nms no less .than the fusion ot the«EogUsh and Irish 
Orders of the Ejaights Templar of the most Ancient and 
HonourabJe Communitv of Fseemasons. The Pbutce 
OF Wales, as head of the Order, presided, and the 
-proceedingB eenckided with a WnqueiL wheseat, of 
course, the wsual loyal toasts weae dmak in the fienal 
g e ne ga us liquors. It is, however, <kardiy n ssesssi f y to 
•mention^this -ctfemnstaBee ler theawapjsose of pi pi enMug 
luiy-miati^eiLbout 'the fusion of the •Aiiffats ^Dem^Ur, 

_ _.^ _,^ ,«>-»^.-««« --rn - — Tw— -w- ^ o » D which weuid involve the oeBfusionef that Order with 

incensed witblusxiOUsa^ea for noilatting Um pay off all the Alabama money. |^ '^'Slf^^'^^y'^}^^^'^!!'''^^^^^^^ 
Be this as it ma^, Jhe spoke briefly— little over the hour-<-and was a good ideal ^ ^ *" ~ ^ - ^^ ^'^- i * - j^ -^ ^•- 
bothered with his %ures. Sis points were these :^ 



1. TJueaaMled insspeEity, io^iviftto of Continental troubles. Strikes, % .bad 

Harvest,.ana-High Piaaes. 

2. We have a sunptojof i^,8a^PQ0. 

3. He hoped we should siaver have to pay another «um of £3,200,000 in 

gold, by referriDg ^^osetionsjto arbitration. 

4. We shall pay only ose half jai tiiat sum out of the revenue of the year, 



€^ood Tcii^>UMrs,^er4he eake •ef.a-dieiiBetien-which of 
reoEursettiiey do «et bmsu to 'be wridiens, but periuips 
consider to-be insiiffieieBtly^ppaaeBt.irem 4ep«tBBent, 
4aa g wag o ,'aipd eootmne. 



•• Robert, tot quefaime /*' 



her PoU^Shiihr^^haia 



h 



Apbil 19, HfirS.] 



PUNCH, OH THB LONDON CHABIVAKL 



1^9 



THE KITCHEN AND THE NURSERY. 

N the whole, 
there can be no 
doubt thai food 
for the mind m 
oonBidered of 
lest yitltie now 
than food for 
thebody^Qtftiif 
rate so far as 
our f ai£Lili^ftr& 
oonoeraedl M» 
3 rule, atlBftBi;:^, 
A Cook ia paid' 
fturheW^er Thau 

and has fur lets 
tio do for tile 
money that sh^' 
feti. We 11 nigh 
every Cook now 
axpeoti to have 
II Kitohtnmnid, 
who doea mwre 
than half her 
m^rk i and any 
Cook^ who con- 
d«^ spends ti 
Btfrve without 
# EiUihenmaid 
^t« Ui have 
lUCj© daily 
fit>ni a ohar- 
wi>raan ; and is 
mnoh too lady- 
like to sorub her ktteheai ftoor. We have bow a arlnt of Gaveime^eeB iiud a dearth 
of Cooks, and Wfl fear tkete ia no likelihood of tha former olasi combiaiuf: and 
going; out on strike* Yek thu Tfould he a atrlke wMoh we should mm Willi mvi 




pleator^, if it oould fairly he maintained to a Buoo@i«f al 
end. Meanwhile, Cook« miffht be hired more cheaply if 
there were lesa d*;m and for them, and ihia youn» ladieai 
in due time, have in their powtr to decreaee. If younj^ 
lad its would hut learn the noble art of LyKikery^ they 
mi #tht yearly iave their parents some ooneiderabio oat- 
g-oinsfi and mif^ht, on marriage, ?psre their huBbanda the 
ejipente of hirmg high-prieed Cooks, South KeniingtcAL 
ianov^ Eifl'i.irditi? tbt^m the means of acquiriog the art in 
qntwtioa, and Mr, Pumh eartt^tly recommends them t^ 
joLU Hia FroYifiionai Chiieeii 



«0Ot« 



Jt MODSTUTB MONSTER; 

Ak Awctrr pmgreraea at a quiet p»©©« At a meetinsr oi 
I dt>iegate» repreeentin p- above a hundred of the Ixindoil 
i Tra^feB' Societies, held on Wedlie«de:y last week, at the 
I Ikil, Old Bailey, it waa resolwd to hold & **Koniater l>a- 
monAtration of tile f radee of fAvndos, in supixtrt of th« 
total J^peal &i the CHrainal Law Am end merit Aot» and 
to ptiotefit affainat all special Ic^jft elation for Trades' Union- 
ists, and the aiq>li cation vi tlie law of conspinLoy hb laid 
down by JiJUiiK BuEir in the reoent trial of the gai^ 
stokeWA*^ The Trudea' Unionists, when they propose tb^ 
unite in a Monater Demon stratiuo, appear to aooepfc tUie 
name of "the Many- headed Monster* *' The self-styled- 
Mooater deiign* trf> roar at the GovemmenC and LegiBla^- 
tnre **iu Hyde Park, or some otb^r snitahle plaoe, on 
a day to he named," Saint Moaday^ pfihaiia, would 
b^irt suit the Striking Clofceea^ who larg£«ly keep tfaA 
festival. 

But your Monater will tmt you ae gently as any 
suokiat dove. The StrLking Men are oomT>arati?ely 
reaBonable in th^ir demands. Merely to el^k for the 
repeal of tlie Cmminal Law Amendment Act is moderate 
as timei f?o. It is almost a wonder the Monsjttir does not 
demand the t^ai oi the Criminal Law altogether, and 



THE PLEASUKES OP THE TABLE, 

DETSBSiNn in a deiperate ktmry to dine witli mo«t pnnotual and 
particular people, mislaying yonr studs, failing in leTeral attempt* 
at a symmetnoal arrangement of your tie» oompeOed after many 
poBtponemtntfl to wear your new boota which proTO to be tight 
aoroaa the inj^tep, missing the train, and having to wait twelve 
minutes for another ; and at last entering the PncKKaisoi* drawinsc- 
room to tind everybody aasombled, and to be made uncomfortably 
certain by unmiaiakeable looks and the immediate announoement 
of dinner, that it is for you and yon alone that host and hostess^ 
gTit'Ste and cook* baTe nil been impatiently and indignantly waitini?* 

Being Boleoted to lead into the dining-room Mi>^<'amilla BunMur, 
the energi^tie Secretarr of the Femald Domination Leagne, who 
weam epeotaclei (tlightiy tinted), and exhibits mark^ peonliarities 
in thefaihion of her drea* and the arranfement of her hair ; while 
Eva Tbektsotoit, whose enpeeted jpresenoe at the party haa been 
I our main inducement to face tho fog and the thaw* i« condnoted 
by a wealthy and widowed ironmaster to a chair at the extreme end 
of the table, and on the same side of it aa yonrself , 

Somewhat sated with Miss BnuMBT'a view* on the struggle be- 
tween Capital and Labour* and the attitude Kuaaia is arouming in 
Central Asia, Ending, when you turn to the lady on your left, that 
it is Mbs, Cteil Boncastle an enthusiastie admirer of the Rbv, 
Lorrns PfiiESTCRAn-, to whose fantaatic proceedings at St. Jerome'^ 
you are diametrically oppoaed, 

Bitting neit the lady of' the house— one in which the diahes are 
not handed round-- and b«ini' eacpeoted to manage a small turbot for 
a large party, and afterwards to deal with a popular turkey— your 
inability to carve even the dnipleat joiat being a matter of iudicroni 
notoriety in yonr own domestic circle. 

Turning Bome what sharply round when the lervant cCers yon a 
aweet ic the composition of which cream largely predominates, and 
thereby cauairig a depoait of the whole mn tents of the diah in the 
new blue ailk lap of yonr rather stiff neighbour* 

Having diTeotly opposite to you at table the lady who retnjmed all 
your letters and present* last winter, and whom you haTe not met 
iiDce that well-remtmhered day, when ahe suggeated that it would 
be better for you not to come again to Upper Cheveley Street* 

Dining with the PiweirAiia, and^ in ignorance or forgetfulneea 
of the ffltablished fact that the quality of their wines ia more than 
doubtful, going through a course of ^experimental chemistry with 
their sherry, hook, champagne, and olaretr in a fruitless aoarah. for 
lom© liquid which will not embitter yonr to-morrow* 

Dining in company with your doctor, who haa lately put yon on a 



atriot regimea, and knowing that there is hardly a thing on tke table 
which be has not forbidden you to toueh* 

Being a highly nervous man, and choking, or having to talk to a 
dettf stronger, or becoming aware that your artificial teeth are erery 
instant growing more and more in^eure. 

Being the only man of the party who doea not hunt, and having 
to liflten, after dinner, when the ladife:a are gone, to narratives of 
capital days with the South Yoickahire or Mtt. Wentwomto Gams- 
ton's Hounds, particularly on that memorable occasion when they 
found in Toddington Gorae, and. after a aplendid run of an hour 
and forty- five minutes^ killed in Loeb SAKONDALE*a shrubberies. 

Going up into the drawing- raom, and being induced to take a hand 
at whist, when you are consevous that you are a moat indiflVrent 
player, and n&ver remember what carda are out afttr the firat two 
rounds. Finding that yunr partner is a lady who knowffthe game 
almost as well as Gat end ma himself, but has all her finesse spoiled 
by yonr blunders ; while youa- opponents— one of them a man you 
have not spoken to foryettrs^afo both aocomplished performerB* 
and win every mbber, and all y^ur, and, what is far woree, all 
Misa PENDHi;HJtM*8 liiwr- . 

Turning the corner of your afreet, and seeing- a fire-engine and a 
mob in the middle of the road, nod dtacovering, after a brief interval 
of snapenae, that the em^fl^e and the mob are before your own door, 
and that it ie yonr own kitchenr chimney which ia throwing out aoot 
and sparks at 5"45 P.M.— eight perBoni, including a newly -married 
couple, being expected to dinner at fl SO. 

Inviting several friend* to com© and help you to eat a haunoh of 
venison which Lonn Din-rMOOR has been good enough to send you ; 
and being informed by your cook, on the morning of the day ap- 
poiuttd for the feast» that the veniaon is not fit to appear at table. 

Having made yonr adieui to your host and hoatesa* to be told by 
the servant in the hall that it is a pouring wet night, and that there « 
not a cab to be got anywhere. Walking home in the rain, and difl- 
oovering, when you reach your lodginjgi, that you have forgotten 
your latcb'ksy, and standing for ten minutea on the door-Btep» until 
the dome&tic can be roused to Ittt you in. 

Derangement of tJie digestive organs. 



Patients and ]Pay* 

*' Pbevejstiok," said a Sanitary Eeformtr, ** is better than cnre," 
The Medical Man to whom this observation was addressed, emiled, 
and replied, *' That may be all very true in theory, but tlie reVeflne 
is what we always find to b© the case in Practice,** 



160 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Apbil 19, 1873. 




- RATIOCtNATlON. 

'< KaITMA t D^n't FoHOET to ask PaFA about OOINO to BBTGHTOir FOR A FOSTKIOHT r 

" Hush, dxab I I *k AjruAtD rr won't do 1 . You urow bow dkbadfullt ths Sba-bidb upsbtb Papa fob thb First Wbbc always !" 

" YW ; BUT J^APA ITBBDN^T COMB DOWW TILL THB SMOOND WbBK, YOU KNOW! " 



BIG WOEK AND LITTLE. 

(Mr. Punches Loit Treatury MmtUe^ 

A Nasictth's tteRHL-hammer serres equally wdl 

To weld a mRt anchor, or OTBok a nur ■ shell : 

And the Btophant't trunk the same credit will wilit 

flet to poll up an oak, or to pick up a pin. 

Bat what^yer the work by our Treasury done, 

Of such doable datiea, it aims bat at one : 

It falfiU its smajl fanotion, to. pare and to pinch. 

See each candle bomt oat' to its attermost inch ; 

See each' cheese to its homiest bottom pared down. 

And no serrice so close-shaTsd as that of the Crown* 

Bat to show Bull the way hard-earned millions to spare. 

To see that the national books are kept sqoare, 

On .Treasury hammet and trunk ncTer oul. 

Or you'll find that their wwth is— ja*t notninf at all! 

For the more penny-wisdom our Treasury ahows, 

On a scale more supcorb its pound-foolishness grows ; 

And the elpser its ^p of the coppers, we see. 

The gold through its finders run all the more free. 

On a penny unTOuched in its audit 'tb down. 

Bat out of eight thousand* lets Bull be done brown ; 

On the waste of red tape strictest checks 'twill impose. 

But sees hundreds of thousandsf ta'en under its nose ; 

Of assize prosecutions it cuts down Hie cost* 

That ro^es may so free, and Crown-Terdicts be lost : 

To big jobs opes the door, knoeklBg saull m tite head ; 

And one sinecure lops, to make twe in its stead ; 

God Treasury trunk I It can pick up our pins— 

But for rending our oaks, ask iHien that work begint-* 

And the Treasury, iniited to blush, only grinsi 

• Seetheoawofth0£8OOOdefieitintheSeifliiMtaiArtDspartBMBt 
t See the esse new pendiBf of mirathoilitd sppropriatlons of upwards of 
£700,000, by the Pott- Office, for pnnhaM tad axteiitteB. 



THE PEOPLE AT PENANCE. 

ExoBPTiOK has been taken by thoughtful Churchmen to theei^oy- 
meat of Good Friday by the Masses as a holiday, instead of its 
proper obsenrance as a fast. Tlus fault, howsTer, is not iound with 
the People by any one who has erer mingled with them on thRt 
anniTcrsary at any place of public amusement or recreation open to 
them. They resort to erery such place, the Crystal Palace for 
example, in their thousands, and so many thousands that they 
crowd it almost to soiFocation, and quite to such an extent as to 
render one another, as well as ererybody else^ extremely^ uncom- 
fortable. Thus, in cfTect, they obserre Good Friday, practically, as 
a day of real jienance ; and the truth is that they are chargeable 
with uucanonical behaiiour only in making Easter Monday, and 
Whit Monday, days of the same penitentiRl endurance too. What 
austerities can equal the mutual punidiment whioh^ on those two 
days, the People are accustomed to undergo of their own accord, 
jammed together, pushing, squeezing, jostling each other, and 
treading on each other's toes, whilst utterlr incapacitated from 
enjoying anything they see at the British Museum and National 



Faustos Bmendatog. 



Margaret {with daisy in h&r hand, to Fauvi) 
Let me alone. {Picks off petals one by one.^ 
Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, apothecary. 
There! iEiU 



rAUBx;. 

fie.) 

', ploughbef, 

3^ Faust, dtsg 



thief. 
disgusted. 



HBRASDBY FOB THB FBOFLl. 



Thb BOW general adoption of Armorial Bearings promisee to give 
rise to an agitation against the existing duty thereon. A ory about 
to be raised in concert with that of ** A Free Breakfast TMitV* wiU 
perhape be, ** A Free Scutcheon P^ DigrfizeTByVJO V>^ 



l^ 



PUNCH, OR THB LONDON OHARIVARL— Apbil 19, 1873 



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CONSCffiNCE MONEY. 

" ACKBrOWLBMMEin: EEQUESTED IN THE TIMES/* Digitized by CnOOQiC 



Digitized by 



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AsaiL 19, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



163 



OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

AU among the Minfrab—a Word on V^gntalkt^Minti &nd Sag- 
gesitonit for a neio Guide to the Brituh Mmewn, adapted to ike 
meanmt capa<ntu* 




oBSAirrKCs the YefetabJes (BoUai- 

mt BepfiHmeEt) for another time, 

■wlien AspaTAgiiB ekall be cheaper 

And better, 1 made for the Mineralii. 

On© word on A eparagius. Imftj^ine 

what lonst have becE tbe pritnitive 

Gigantic Aaparagnt of the Great 

AntediliiTiaD Pautomijnie PericMl \ Aiparnfiis grew, then, in f ofeBte, 

The song- would baTe rlieen^ 

Woodman, spare that Afiparafmsl 

'Jouoh not itfl blooming top» 
^Itfotect it fTom the iparr«r, ^0ire, 

Until we ^Te got a crop. 

" '008," in tbe third line ia snppoeed to be the Woodman's name* 
Figurez VOV4 the AeparagTia ^rown to fit the mouth 'Of the tingle- 
eyed Pol jpbemtis ! But to proceed. 

It is a little fltartling to a EepreteirtiKtiYa Penan of nerroua tem- 
perament to find oneielf an ddenly among the ** j^rj^eni^iGroop," & 
term that might be applied > with mnoh propriety, to two or three 
grou^ of fi^urea in Mada^tb Tvbbaub's Chamber of Horrora. But 
heTe it ia a hannleftH party nudar a glaaa eaje, which yon would paai 
without noticing bnt for thfi appalling name in the Datalogue. 

My attention was attracted by theapeoimeuB of the Uhombohediral» 
and the Oblique orClinorlKunbicSyat-eme— tlie latter Bounding like one 
of ToveAsiom's divimonB of lying. The Obliqiie or Giinorhombio 
System ia one, alaa I in favour with many who might he put under 
glaiB£aE08 and Jabelled m foa&ili&ed Eumhnge of the nineteen^ 
oantury. But tltia ia to be moral not mineral » «o, as the Showman 
aaye* ** On we goea agaiB," using our pockethandkerahieffl, and not 
breathing' on th<j glaaa ca^^es. 

The mnth ease bronght me to a itandatill, for I bad beea wan- 
deTmg. Bnt now, &a the poet aays, 

And began to ponder" 

on the marveUouii Mtnetala nuder siy v^vf note— beneath mj i^ry 

ey«e. BeicriptioniaiJa jsie : the Catalogue cornea to myiaid ;— 

** Ca*c O.-'Mali/hemk (Ma S^) and Eralgar [As^ £,) are 
BeveraUyhd^mum aad aratmic difrtiiphidi>g : the former k a rMom^ 
h^Mdral, the Jailer an oUiqui^ MitieralJ^ 

I'o all frienda fctim the eoontry freeing the eights of Lunnon the 
above will he a pieoe of Kaliy neeliil informatiou. 

Then followi a charmingly pioturetqae bit^^* Mws i$ mektdgd 
LfmriU^ the tar 6 tiuilketimm siUpJudaJ* 

It sound g like a charaoter in a Fairy Ballet, as, indeed, do almott 
all th^ namas. Xhej .would oome in -admirably in a JkLin^ml 
Kiuf dom Bmw&* 

n&AacATia imm^VM. 

Moli^bdmiie I A Lorely Crffdurf) MmxE. PA3rDiiTT3o. 

JUaigar {Her Lover : a troithndtfftr) , . , M, Tiptoe. 

Laurite {The iLara-EtitheHmm Sjflphide) . MULIB* HUTMEm P'Ob* 

Thwe you have it, or lather thete I have it all before me. And 
the apecimeus of Pronatite and Pyragyrite (with Pyragyratiomi) 
ahould be tbe Bpritea and Tumblers of the entertainment, 

1 recognise* however, the tmth of what I haye aaid before; namely, 



that thia ia not the spirit wherein to viait tht British Museum. Let 
ns be serious. Lead on^^ I follow, with further iuggestionj for a 
new Guide to the CoOectioni, 

Divmon IIL Cases 13, 14, Sect, i, Thia looks like a referenoa to 
a book of Legal Preoedeoti. It isn't. It is simply to draw the 
visitora* attention to '^Oompoonds of the Halogen Elements." 

^* The Salts in thia dmiinii are represented,'^ the book iniorma me, 
**hy certain fluorides, *' 

On inspection 1 fonnd the salts to be gennine Old Salts, I shouldn't 
like to call an Old Silt a Double Fluoride, I^t somebody else try 
it :Brat and report progirewi. It can be attempted on the beach at 
Brighton, 

In Va&e 16 {%) will he leeu the "Spinel Group," whioh, from the 
namef one would have thought represented the baokhone of the ool- 
leotion* Conaid*rad from tnifl point of view it is weak. 

Cam 30, The Tin Blone. Mott inter^ting, if you oan find it, I 
couldn't, I contented rtsyaalf -with the information, in the 0nide 
Book, that ** Its pejkicid parieUtu are ^enis" and that ** the Dull 
green is the Jiirgoon/* whereon mj fnend Wxgg remarked that 
the Jargon teu3 nncommonly dull, 

CiMe £1. in the same aeriea i« the Entile. As this miueral iaof 
no great nte to anybody in its present form, it doesn't oombine 
the MtUiir irith the Ihdce, To whioh joke of WAor/a Me. Tools, 
in Ikm Giovanni might fay» ^- Pab I ^' Apropos of Bftn (?., I 
recommend any one acientifwjally intefestod in^e Terpaichoreau 
Art to mo and aee the Dancing Uiiakei^, To enioy this thoroughly a 
happy daTshonld have been «peut^t the Britisn'Museum, 

In the Fmtrth Bii'mon^thiB aouuds like a military variety, hut, 
again, it itu't-^Wall^ up, walk up ^ and aee The Doktmitt. and The 
Anherite! ,Xhe latter being a mat ef Mlneml Hermit without 
any legs. 

The female Minerals are rerpreteotied by the 8ilioatefl* Here I 
made a diaeovery of the greatest interest to aD admirers of the 
works of Mu. WiLKTE CoLLiirs, In Cme 46 (i)— and 1 give the 
direotion clearly in oaae yon ahould otherwise miaa it — I came upon 
*^ The MootiHomy I aannot eay I was aurprised to find this among 
the Mintsrals, as I had always ranked Mr. CoLLiirs's noyeLa among 
the f ema. Suivez wot, s. r, fi. Here ia " Gypaum," It ia a Cam- 
bridge Mineral The name ia composed of two words, Ggp, ** a 
fterver," uid turn *^1 sm." 1!!he mftfiniftg being, I am a useful 
mineral. 

i Case 57,— Here you will find* if tio one has removed it since I was 
there, and J didn t, the Haidingirit^, the Erinite, the Uranite, the 
Antunite, the Leadhillite, and the Lagulite, And, strange to say, 
at my elbow, looking into tht^ case, waa an unmistakable specimen 
of the Israplite. He was humming, naaaUy, the air of M:a, 
FEEnimiCK Clat*s popular aong, Nohndf/'s None /i^ my Note* 

In the eame ease were ** spiendid Sp^trtmenii of Apiitii^.^^ This 
aettled me. It was one o'clock, and I had long felt a erm-aing. Bo I 
determined ui)on taking '*a splendid specimen" of my Appetite 
to a neighbouring Restaurant's. 

Happening at thte motxient to refer to the Catalogue, I fonnd that 
tbe Guide to the Mineral Department was signed by Mr, MASKaLTs e. 

It now occurred to me (memory bcmg roused into autiou by the 
aforesaid splendid Appetite) that I had long promised Jnyaelf a Ti»it 
to Mbssbs, Maskexjue & Cook (and, were the latter a womau-oook, 
\ their entertainment might he oalM Maskelyne and Feminine), at 
St. James's Hall, ThUher I repaired, and refreshed e:£hanBted 
nature. Then I went to see how Mbsses, Mai=kel?we & Cook do 
all the Bpiritnaliat -tricks withont any of the oharlatanio 4iumhag, 
The Cabinet and Boi are very clever, and defy every ordinary eye. 
Neither of mine is an ordinary eye, and I should like (or rather I 
ahoulda't) to hear anybody aay that "black's the white of it" 
(N.B. Thia wai a nmi of other days), hut my eyes were defied, and I 
retired with aome dwnity. After all, Sir, who wonta to know how 
things are done F Life ^a too abort for Inqmsitiveneaa, a iact I could 
wiflh you. Sir, to bear in mi od, when you put querit*s to your Eepre- 
eentative as to his next intentioBa. 

Thia digression took me far away from the Foraila, to whioh I am 
obliged, contrary to ray intention, but iu chivalrous fulftiment rf^my 
promiaet to fatum in my next* Aa before* bo now. 



Harmony in the Dhurclb 

The amval of a new Gufate is alwaya-an interesting *Tent in the 
Annala of aFafwh, and to the ladies of his oongfegatiou it oan never 
ha a matter of indifl'erenee whether he is married or aingle, and 
likely to bs an agreeable acquisition to Society, Bat it is seldom 
ihat a parish ia so ex^jeptionaily favoured as one in tbe im mediate 
neiijhbcmrhood of Londim. which baa just secured tbe servi&etof a 
rcTerend gentleman, who is deseribed as a ^^mnsioal baohelor,'* Of 
the popularity of this new Curate with a large and interesting sec- 
tion of his fioek, no one, with any eifi«f iene« «f #oeu#a-©f^Maaal 
Life, ean ha^ the ilig htest doubt. Digitized by Vn^^\^ V LC 



I6i 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Apul 19, 1873. 



(lk%i 




THE NEXT ELECTION. 

JStheL ** Papa, you must Yotb tor Kb. MouMTBBiinL, oa wb shall not qst Inyitatioms to th£ Balls at Lord Uiqhbobu's, 

HIS Unole, tou know I ' 



POETfiY AUD PE08PECTU8. 

Mb. Miltoit had an ear for souoeoiu names. He was the author 
of oertain lines whkh will be reoolleoted by most of our young men 
and girls who mingle in danees and pic-nios :— 

^ And all who nnoe, baptised or infide!, 
Jouated In Aapramont or Montalban. 
Danaaooy or Moroooo, or Treltiaond.'' 

Mb. Puoablic has reoeiyed the ProsiMotos of a Joint Stook Com- 
pany, oontaining in each of the subjoined paragraphs a string of 
names which may be oontrasted with the above in Paradise Lo$t^ as 
being, if perhaps as imposing as those, not quite so euphonious :— 

«< This Company has been astabhshed for the purpose of derelopingy under 
iopioTed management, the yaluable NioolajeTski OoUiery, olose to the Qrus- 
ohevka Station of the Yoionesh-Boitoff Bailway, and alao for aoquiring and 
working 12 other mining areas, situate at Yladimersky, near the Sulin Sta- 
tion on the same Bailway, which passes through the property. 

" Both properties are in direot oommunioation by Bailway with Moscow, 
Biasan, Tamboff; Sarotoff, Yoionesh, and Bosto£^ and the principal ports of 
the Sea of Aioff and the Black Sea, namely, Taganrog, Sebastopol, and 
Odessa; also by the Biyer Don and the Yolga-I)on Bailway with the Birer 
Yclga and the Caspian Sea." 

The names of places aboye enumerated certainly seem to Mb. 
FiLaABUO somewhat more to the purpose than those of Noblemen, 
and other ornamental persons, which sometimes figure on lists of 
Directors. Be that as it may, the foregoing prosaic parallel to 
Milton's ]^try is but one out of innumerable communications of 
tho same land for which Mb. Filoablio is indebted to unknown 
friends, whocan possess no more information respecting him than 
what they may haye gleaned from a professional Directory. Thence, 
pobably, they haye surmised that ne may, in the course of years, 
haye smsssed some small sayings, which he would be glad to inyest 
so as to secure the highest possible interest for their amount He 
has no particular reason for doubting that the adyertisers ofiTer him 
*' a sweet boon." But before Mb. Piloablig could inyest eyen the 
smallest sum at his command in any speculation whatsoeyer, he 



would require to know all about it This oonditbn cannot exist 
He can, therefore, in any case, only gase with smiling admiration 
on the nicely ruled spaces of the form of application lor shares, 
so oonyeniently arranged by his kind benenotors that would be, 
to facilitate that petition, which he is inyited to fill up and sign. 
He begs to thank them all for keeping him in waste paper, and thus 
supplying his Yestal with the means of lifditing the fire, and himsdf 
with those of igniting his tobacco, dbc But bie has to complain that 
some of the prospectus-paper does not bum long enough, and to 
suggest that it should be a littie thicker. Compsoies generally are 
requested to notice this intimation. 



SHAESPEARE IN THE SADDLE. 

Thb successful attempt which has been lately made at Artley's 
(with the reyerenoe of our youth we stick to the old name), to plaoe 
a " page of English history " on the boards and in the sawdust, hss 
set us thinVing of the psgcs and more exalted personages that might 
be similarly treated by our cleyer hippodnunatists. How easy it 
would be, for instance, to set Shakspeabb in the saddle, and adapt 
his plays to the Astleian pomp and oirououtanoe. Good Mr. and 
Mr$. Page^ and Robin, FaUuftTM *' skirted page," occur to us at 
once among the pages to be mounted ; and if Sir John himself wm 
to appear on horseback, half the town would flock to see him in hit 
acts of equitation. 

Since the Battle of Bridgnorth has proyed a great attraction, why 
should not the Battie, say, of Shrewsbury, be shown in a like man- 
ner? FaUU^i ragged troop might be mounted upon screws to 
make them look more comical, and the fight between the Prince and 
Hotspur would be sure to bnng the house down, if it were fought 
on horseback. Indeed the play of S&nry the Fourth abounds with 
points for hippodramatists. For instance, take the f amoos PAHM« 
describing how young Harry^ with his beayer up, yaulted to his 
seat like feathered Mercury, j 

<• To witch the worU with noble honeBuaship.*' ^ ^ ^ ^ 

See what a splendid opportunity iSbJA giyes for what the playbills 



Apbil 19, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVABL 




165 



AN UNWORTHY MEMBER. 

Thk Law admits of no exoiue 
For theft. Of dyine for a meal, 

Priaoner.thypleaiaof noTise 
If thou stretch forth thy hand and steaL 

fiiziBoiLtfas of gaol,*ini^ la^Mor ^^ 
Thy aentence ia— oonld not be nm. 

Oififmne the Bacriater's diibMed 
Who fltole/a book from dunr flistresa. 

Jor80»eTOlted«©ttie Jul* 
By aseh an^ot of 'ttn^mL wne, 

AbrotbcKhoodoflianoarflniat 
Strike iMm its ioUliiy:tiaiM^d name. 

Thaa«rt-a < Miob -ggatio^^aar 
The &>be «MHUied«i^ l088» 

^fifdonlteWir^e^nnMliav, 
'miaiwgl^m<§a9^ii^!9afi^oi wrong. 

.Oy?i.««i«*««t^tlwilto plead 
l%eiffMhMr^«nse,nd apmster'a too, 

K«rimMMdi.4$flMBi]ie%«ngfee'd 
SbetmtmJbelisaituaNd to sue! 

^■is n0tiar<«De1iha Am impnre 
1Co m^tiorteauaMtoarMaan, 



fiixmndibi in fid^wdlive for thee. 
Sf'tlKwittdMAioetadst.iDilaad, 
"^^^-l.crab^iw teeii.lfcere ware but three. 



A VOCATION. 

"Wkll, my fine Fellow, what can I do for touV* 

»> 

GivB YOU A SmiNa! H'lc I Hah-! «Af« ¥(Hr-c>eT ▲ ••©aD Chmt akd 

I don't sit FOE THE FWGER, SlE I ONLY THE 



'StevoptiMun of London aoMunts to four mimoxu. 
Tlw«« ooatttliaUy adding to Hhut nnmber. -A^rd- 
ifl^. -ttie Ifatropolis keeps on extending itself. Mid 
bnoks and mortar encroach daily on and abolish the 
beanty of the environs of London.. Can nothing be done 
to arrest this spreading oyU P To, limit the expansion of 
London in these daysV law nobody wonld TOopose, for 
iearof tiie Masses; bnt ttay ^wadd fwhaWy have no 

.vs.^xi^. 4.^ « .MAAMiwA 4t\9 AliAATtfrnincr mfL. It Ja said « 



"0, SiEt Please See! 
Faom AJ^ 'Ed, Siei" 




Woim^a ftsm ea? QLD.-*Tha Kyateriea of Ceres. 



oidl E'Y^id "trausfsraianou aist. TFon-aan^UBajwae'the 
ing B^w Bi wi nefj Mw i lt s -to -ahew hki/A^invaaltmr, ^a^ then^ 
throwing 'Off ins anaoor ^and ^jipeaanBg -dpossod as Mer onyi ""^ 
^mdly p e rfwuii iig on 'his ^ery un t am ed 'Pegasus •« fapidjMt of' 
honenumshipf'in ^ *bfiinaiit'aiiit~m "spanglea. 

XI^Mre ^se many other soenes in the histooo^lays t/i fteccESFEA^nr 
whieh axe j>ecnTiarlyaAapted-to "Oie saddle and the sawdust. Of 
oonrse in bmpodDunas mndh depends nx>on the moontuxg, atill the 
andiexuM aT'times oondesoends to hear the meeches, and ^^4^- 
skimjub's noble language woi^d 'bare «t lea4t the ohark of nove lty' 
to ears whioii are aoonstoiiied to the words of equine wrxters. 
Biehard the Third vifM of points, in word as well as aotion, thsct 
woold be aoie to teU at Astto/s. The Duke cf Kotfofk,io begin 
with, might be costumed as a jodkey, to giviB a new point to the 
couplet :— 

** Jockey 6t Iffoffulkt'lw^et-so'bfyidt 
For Dickon thy mMtor ii bought and Bold." 

TIkeiL Kinf Jtichard mfht on horsebaok perform prodigies of 
valour, ana Ids oharger being visibly slain upon the mge, and not 
beUnd the soenes, as formerly, his soream— 

"Ahan»i aboaie! my kingdom for a h«ser 

would be much heightened in efEeot, and would oertainly evoke-1^ 

plaudits of thO'gaUeiT- 

So toe the*^MtHManamght be made imBMOselvinQae api^^ 
if tlie ghosts ware ^o^M^iearaU mounted sfoninindimaj^ Indeed 
we see ftO'feaaan Wh^ JC^ SMmxi in hisislaap should not peiioim 
a rapid aot of >ridiQg -on four ^m baxonhaakad steeds^ to whiotu 
when he shouts out *Miixe J&e JJlS3mffim» I " & fifth might be led 
in with an eflfect quite overpowering. 



POSTRY AUD PROPBR NAIOSS. 

{The former assisting you to pronounce the latter.) 

I^EBUtdwalt aui^ aobbler at Branl^ 
▲■d he liad « daughter iK>.«mia]y, 

That, though he (waapeor. 

And fivooxs for namcbeie, 
nat-aane ahe selinquidLed for .Chaucondvuix. 

A amftU barber shaved f or apenny ; 

His shop was the pride of Kilkenny. 
He hung, out his pole 
Along with a scroll, ___,,^ 

Wheiaon was inaoribed ABSRQiTXBprT. 

A atshool waa ^or boys Iwpt-at IMjam, 
'By one who Iciiew not^ew to teaeh %a ; 

Yet hb line Ate eoaU iMse 

To « generow raoe. ^ 
^^B-poor pedagogue osHed kuBSfiM BaiMBiMP. 

There iaiidKUoe of A gaeaiimanyiajege brake. 

£or these with tiieir imaiey asho iuuwge benks* 
And one I wonldtruat ,, , ^^ 
With the whole of »y " dust,** 

Need I say, it is yours Messrs. lUlUOSXBiBXB* 

A soldier may genius or dunce be ; 
But either can slain only jonae be. 

As one was whose name 

Is worthy of fame ; 
That hero of Waterloo, P(«ibo*bt« 



Google 



166 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Apbil 19, 187S. 



iig!^ m 




A ''QUICK RETURN.'' 

ho 

DofUghUr {ytho hat overheard the remark-^wUh a curtee^), 



(hpiain BottetweU (tptaJdng of his HoeCe DaiughUr^ %oho ha$ been pretmng the CfeiUlem^ to select ParUms). « Hxu oousg thx UflUB 
WhippduIn!" 



To HKB Majxstt's Hoxnoie!!!*' 



VICE ITS OWN PENALTY, v 
To tha IGiiiiteriftI Badget of this year the Times objeota that:— 
** One half only of the Alabama Indemnity ia to be charged on the rerenne 

of the ooming year, the other half being met by a draught on the Bank of 

Hope," 

If the Bank of Hope were an institation homogeneona with the 
Rand, the draught would be yery much leas likely than it now ia to 
be honoured. At present one draoffht seema to meet another. The 
Band of Hope vouth oontribate little to the reyenne ; but that 's no 
manreL they orink no wine, neither do theyoonsome any other 
ezoiseable liquors. But we (the People, or Working Classes) are 
truly said to haye drunk ourselyes out of the Alabama difficulty. 
This is sad, to be cure. It would be oomparatiyely jolly if the 
amoimt had all to be extorted from the Small Inyoluntarily-Taxed 
instead of haying been contributed by the Qreat Self-Taxed. It 
would then haye been paid . in sober sadness— by a minority. Still, 
unless the former are abaolutely to pay for eyerybody, a taxed tap 
will remain the only possible condition of a free break^Mt-table. 
** What you want in meat, we '11 haye in drink," as Bardolph says. 
So may the spontaneous tax-payers say to the others ; but the latter 
would be eyen worse off for meat than they are now if the former 
had raised the piece of all proyisions to ayet higher point fhan they 
actually haye, by spending less of the excess of their hi^h wagea in 
gorge and more in guzzle. Moreoyer, of gin and other "mtoxicating 
Jiguora." at leaat, iMctinta non olet, And, after all, the surplus 
deriyed from the Excise is the Tribute which the Vice of Tippling 
pays to the Virtue of Total Abstinence. Need Virtue be so yery 
indignant at the oblation P 



VO BULL. 



Iv a person has, by the negligence or default of a Railway Com- 
pany, sustained incurable ix^unes^ can he reooyer P No doubt of it ; 
and, sure, the law in this point, if it does not, ought, by all means, 
to extend to Ireland. 



PETROLEUM AND PIETY. 

A TBLE6RUC from Perpignan the other day annminoed thai jOia 
Garlists were threatetvuLg to use petroleum for the purpoae of . ^^ 
down houses whose inhabitants refused to pay the contributions 
demanded of them. Seyeral other messages nad preyionsly been 
telegraphed to the.effect that petroleum had been, or been threatened 
to be, employed by the Carlists as an inoendiary agent on behalf of 
Legitimacy and Dlyine Right. Petroleum is a substance so like 
pitch that one wonders that the saying that none can touch it inth- 
out b^ng d^led, particularly those who employ it in anon, after 
the manner of the Communists and Red Republicans, has not 
occurred to such loy.^ tuid religious enthusiasts as the Carliata. An 
adyertisement, soliciting subscriptions in aid of those insurants, haa 
appeared in the Westminster Gazette. The Oazette, truly, is aor^t 
to the diocese so called. Are the faithful who call it a diocese 
authorised, if they please, to contribute money wherewithal Carlist 
incendiaries may purchase petroleum P 



Kon Oaroera Duro. 



FiioM Rome^ a few days ago, there arriyed the oompan^tiyaly 
welcome intelligence that :— 

'* The physioiana attending the Popb hare momentarily forbidden his 
Holineaa to leare his apartments, merely for the take of additional pre- 
oantion." • • 

Eyerybody, Mb. Whillbt not excepted, will be relieyed by the 
assurance that the Prisoner of the Vatican is but oonfined to his 
room, and that by the sentence of his physicians only, who miye 

Siyen him no more than a mooMut's imprtsonment. We trust that* 
y this time, the yenerable Pontiff and Priaooer ia out again. 

FizziciL WBiKims.— Lofe of Champagne. 



F rtu Siijy Jtwpa S^tta, of Ko. M^BoIIbK S^tum. la th« rwua tf St. /MMfiJMMV^* i«JteOg«n^ 



April 26, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



167 




IRISH JURIES. 

(Prom the Dublin Denouncer,) 

Asv Sflixons grieve to 
fiad that the new Jury 
System in Ireland 
oontinnee to work ad- 
mirably, and that the 
happiest resnlU fol- 
low, especially to the 
unfortunate persons 
whom society has 
neglected nntil they 
have been led into 
violation of conven- 
tional and other laws. 
Those who are called 
culprits are generally 
acquitted withoutfur- 
ther persecution. In 
some cases our intel- 
ligent Jurors refuse 
to accept Baxon defi- 
nition of so-called 
crimes, and describe 
such things in their 
own way. * A deeply injured jnan, who had been tvrannically 
pestered for rent, though he had several times made small payments 
on account, and whose nature was at last aroused to indignation, 
knocked the collector into a ditch, and set dogs upon him. The 
Jury found him " Not guilty," and most logicallv, for he was indeed 
not guilty of betraying the cause of his beloved Ireland. Another 
patriot who had protested, through the mouth of a blunderbus, 
against a notioe to quit the sacred soil on which he had been reared, 
was found guilty of trespass, for he had trespassed against arbitrary 
law, but he was cordially recommended to mercy and reward. In 
some instances where duty to Ireland is not concerned, Juries have 
used their own common sense, regardless of a scowling Judge and a 
sneering GounseL A man who was indicted for setting a friend's 
house on fire was convicted of pettv larceny, and another who had 
poisoned his neighbour's oows was found gwlty of burglary ; while 
a third, who had bbwn up a mill, was acquitted, on the ground 
that several of his relatives had been sent to penal servitude, and 
that the law ought not to be hard on an afflicted family. It may 
be considered, by the cdd-blooded, matter of regret that our Juries, 
when locked up, have frequently engaged in personal conflict ; but 
we would rather that the noble Irisn nature thus found vent for 
excitement than that men should sit calmly weighing probabilities, 
and comparing testimonies, while a fellow-creature stands trembUng 
and shuddering in the accursed dock. At present, cases in which 
accounts and pecuniary matters are at issue, are the cMef stumbling- 
block, and we are aware that what would oe called **; business " by 
the callous London dtizen or the selfish Scotch merchant is not 
thoroughly understood, or, rather, is thoroughly ignored by the 
Irish Juror, who recognises a highcor law.tlum that of Cooebb, and 
in his simple, pious. Catholic way, strives to equalise the advantages 
of suitors, and deprives the rich man of his gains, only that the 
poor man may be more content with his lot This is natural iustioe, 
and long may it be administered by the brave Irish Juror, in defiance 
of impious Saxon cant. 



A Beoand Donation. 



It is announced that the Worshipful Company of Fidimongen 
have granted fiftv guineas towards the building of a chapel for the 
patients of the '.Boyal National Consumption Cottage Hospital at 
Yentnor. This is a new obligatbn which the Fishmongers have now 
conferred on those uivalioji. The Consumptive had already to 
thank the Fishmongers for Cod's-liver OiL 



Natural Feeling. 



Ha. I ** Friends will i^lease accept this uitimation." 
Well ; there are friends and niends. If any such 

Look to have leavings from a lost relation. 
They '11 all please to accept it very much« 



MOBS lADDM DT THB CASE. 

OuB old Iriend " Wheal Mary Anne " has found companions at 
last Among the Companies lately registered is one with the sweet 
name of the '* Catherine and Jane Lead Mining." 



THE SIAMESE TWINS. 
{A propoi of the NewcaeUe Co-operative Congreee,) 

Co-OPSRiTB— co-operate— co-operate, ad libitum. 
Mountains may grow of mole-hills— one great of many small I 

Workers are winners ever : they are idiots who 'd prohibit 'em 
From the long pull, and the strong pull, and the pull of one 
andalL 

Tes : the working-arm 's tiie lever— with that, like Archimedes, 
We 've power to move the greet round Globe, a larger Loggan 
stone: 

But a " pou iio " to begin with, a fulcrum our first need is, 
And Labour without Capital ^s an arm without the bone. 



That 



thai the voice of 



war-cry—** Down with Capital I < 

Labour? 

*' Not such a feol ! " says Labouf , *' I need tools as well as hands. 
If iniMbead tiiese tools of owning, I 've to hire toem of my neighbour. 
Labour is but the Private— Captain Capital commands I 

" But if Labour save and spsre, and lump his littles to a miekle, 
Grow his own plant, find his own tools, materials, machines, 

Money may be as tight as wax, the market may be fickle. 
Labour is lord of nis own ends, ouae he has made his means. 

** Why P Not because he 's managed to do away with Capital, 
But because he 's wisely taken his own Capital to raise. 

For Capital and Labour's bond is flesh and blood : once snap it all. 
You '11 find one life runs in his veins, who 's paid, and his who 
pays. 

** Yes, Capital and Labour are the Chang and Eng of nature : 
The Biam twins— united in birth, and growth, and death : 

They wax and wane together : one in health, and strength, and 
stature; 
O^e blood in heart, one life in brain, in lungs one common breath. 

" Through elash of Mischief's cymbaL^ jmMO of Folly's pipe and 
tabor. 
Let Common SeiMfe her still small voice wide as the world make 
heard— 
Capital still is Capital, and Labour still is Labour : 
United, tiie earth's shaping power : apart, an empty word I " 

Co-operation the world's rule ii now^ and has been ever : 
All things still work together, to fulfll God's heavenly law ; 

If Ijabour DC tiie brick that builds our pyramid, once sever 
Labour from Capital— what ii 't F A brick without the straw. 

Whoever be your Moses, and where'er your land of Gt)shen, 
One thing is as transparent as the daylight that you see, 

That he of ** Down with Capital ! " who introduced the notion. 
Sets you to make bricks without straw, and must your Pharaoh 
be. 

HOP MARKET INTELLIGENCE. 

FoREiGS Hope.— '1a Polka not in great demand. La Yalse ex- 
ported in quantities. Fandango, Bolero, &c 
The only Englieh Hop is Sir Roger de Coverley. 
Quotatione from the Hop Market,-—** I suppose 



^ ippose you 've not been 

to many dances as yet F" *' No, not many.'' *' Do you think the 
season will be very gay F" "Yes." " I hear the Shah of Pbbsijl 
doesn't dance." ^'Really ! But he 'U go out everywhere F " •* 0, 
yes." "Who ii the Shah op PbbsllF" "Ah I" "What a 
strange head-dress that Lady has on I " " Hasn't she I I told her 
so." "You know her, then F" "A little. It's my wife." "How 
absurdly Lady Xmdtstbb is painted!" "Yes. And look how 
Miss Wtb is powdered I I wonder her mother permits it." " Ladt 
Wti, like CnoicwxLL, piits her trust in powder. Everyone thought 
her daughter would have gone off last season." " May I offer you 
some ^" &c., &o. 



Social Distinction. 

Thebb are people in the world who esteem it so extremely vulgar 
to express emotion, that, if an earthquake were reported to have 
happened in their neighbourhood, they would considar it a proof of 
theur good breeding not to have Men moved by it. 



habvbt's saxtcs* 

Thi Preceptor of Masteb Habvst asked that young gentleman 
what were round numbers. Habvet, with characteristic sauce, 
repUed, " Noughts." Digitized by VJI^J^^LV^ 



VOL. Kzrv. 



1G8 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



[Apbil a«, 187S. 




A SOUSED CHILD 



DREADS WATER.'' 

so TOU MUST JUST SkXDADDLB, 

Lit n Stat, 



''Now, M188T, tou'yx Seen mb Shayb, 

TLKASE, AS I*M OOINO TO TAKB MT BATH.*' 

•* I won't Tell if you don t Take it, Ukclb Bowlanb. 

PLEASE.'* 

" Won't Tell t What do tou mean, Missy I " 

" Why, nobody wouldn't go into oold Watee, Uncle, if they wasn't 

MADE TO, I SUPPOSE. KOBODY DON'T MAKE YOU, DO THEY t " 



IMPROPER EXPRESSION. 

** Ths most enjoyable number was the sTmpbony," writes a mnsioal oritio in 
a notice of a Concert. This word '* eDjoyable '' is one of those novel expressions 
that have of late been intruded into the English of the Press and the lAatforin. 
Ei^oTable, that which may be enjoyed ; analogy defines it, for the word is not 
in Johnson. In the foregoing connection it means most prodootiYe of enjoyment. 
The symphony, described as haying been enjoyable when it was playea, would 
haye been eqoally enjoyable if it had been murdered, or neyer been played at 
alL It would haye been enjoyable—that is, capable of being enjoyed^wnether 
it was actually enjoyed or not To say that a composition, performed at a 
Conoert, was enjoyable, is either to represent that it was capable of being en- 
joyed by a loyer of mnsic. or else to suggest that it might haye been enjoyed if 
It had been properly performed, or coma haye been heard. A dinner is eat- 
able, and likewise enjoyable, but in being eaten it, if enjoyed, is more than 
enjoyable. This word ''enjoyable" sounds like aa importation from the 
United States. Though not so base a coin as *' reliable," it is still not sterling, 
and has the ring of a dollar. 



No Sar. 

If Shax8P1ABS*8 adyice were generally acted upon^ those of us who are so 
unfortunate as to haye no taste either for opera or oratorio might find it difficult 
to get credit eyen for the commonest necessaries of life, for— speaking of " the 
man that hath no music in himself "^does he not recommend, "Let no such 
man be trusted P" 

A PHABMAGEunciAL QUESTION.— What medicinal substances are deriyed from 
Purgatory P Not any of those, my Lady, that your Ladyship would probably 
name. No, M'm. Rectified Spirits, M*m. 



THE GOOD TIME COME. 

Saint GEoneE for Merry England I 

For, as in days of yore, 
This English land is merry now, 

And shall be eyermore. 
What, haye we not, at Eastertide, 

Burlesaues and braye buffoons ; 
And for Christmas goodly pantcmimes, 

And downs, and pantuoons P 

Saint George for Merry England.! 

Is there no bitter ale, 
That smacks like infusion of gentian : 

And might serye should quassia fail P 
And are there no teetotallers, 

That meet and make good cheer, 
Whereas they drain the dish of tea. 

And quaff the ginger beer P 

Saint Geor^ for Merry England I 

And a Liquor Law ef tsoons. 
Oar tayems are already closed 

On Sunday afternoons. 
Policemen watch our hostelries, 

Or enter in disguise. 
Here 's a health to your informersy all I 

A benison on your spie^ j 

Saiat George for Merry England 1 

And the huckster's Calf of Gold. 
And them thereto that sacrifice 

The memories of old : 
Them that, of late, at Surbiton. 

The Thames' dead wall did plan : 
And them that will Northumberland Houi e 

Demolish if they can. 

Saint George for Merry England I 

And the Lords of Manors good. 
All who, by Act of Parliament, v 

Enclose uie merry greenwood ; 
And most of all the Ministers 

Who, an they might, would sell 
Each rood of Royal forest land. 

The reyenue so to swelL 

Saint George for Merry England I 

And the chimneys tall and fair. 
With factor]^-smoke that drape the sky. 

And with incense load the air ; 
For increasing population. ' 

And the ceaseless growth of towns : 
O'erspreading woodlands, hills, and dales, 

And meadows, fields, and downs. 

Saint George for Merry England I 

And the British Working-men, 
Who. banded in Trades^ Unions, 

Still strike and strike again I 
While the means of life keep rising 

From day to daj more hifh ; 
And much priyatu>n is the not : 

Prosperity all the cry. 

Saint George for Merry England I 

And the rare old English beef, 
And the butchers and the ooalowners. 

May they neyer come to grief I 
"What matter if flesh and fuel both 

To such a price haye got, 
Poor gentlefolk may not roast the joint ; 

Can hardly b<nl the potP 

Saint George for Meny England. 

And the Masses all tax-nee, 
Unleis they please to tax themselyes, 

As taxed they choose to be. 
For their excess of wages 

In drink excised they spend. 
Would ye pay a threefold Income-tax 

Their ways to make them mend P 

Saint George for Merry England ! 

The Commons, Lords, and Crown ; 
The British Constitution, 

Which Ben turned upside down ; 
For Hyde Park Monster Meetings, 

Held under Odoeb's thumb : t 

For the '* good time coming " of ihe^w^A^ 

Whioh is now the good tune come I 



Apbil 86, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



1€9 




THE SUGAR DUTIES. 

Lady OusUmer {with her Grocers hook), '* Toir know, Mb. Swbxpins, thb Chanobllob of thb Exohbqxteb taebs off half thb 
SuoAB Duty." 

Oroeer, «* Yeb, *M, hb dobs ; and tou will Sbb that wb havb not tbt Chabged tou ANTraiNa Extba in oonsbqubnob^I I " 



SIGHTS WHICH WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEE. 

Thi dffht of a large ooal-waffgon nnloadin^ at our door, at the 
ooet of a land friend who wished to show us his affeotion* 

The sight of a statoe put up hy pnhlio subscription, and preying 
fio# to be an eyesore to the pnolio. 

The sight of a wholesome honest Union of Workmen for patting 
down the hireling agitators who live by oaoting Strikes. 

The nght of London maoadamised, or else payed thronghont with 
asphalte. 

The sight of a whole column of theatrical adyertisements without 
one single puff in it 

The dffht of a four-wheeled cab which neither jolts, nor rattles, 
nor smaUs horribly of smoke. 

The sight of Leicester Square improyed, as it well adght be, and 
would soon b^ if in Paris. 

The sight of our brand-new silk umbrella which was taken by 
Bdstake (of course) for a yery old alpaca one we found left in 
ezchanM for it. 

The nght of ar pew-door in a conyenient positioni opened for us 
graUt when we desire to listen to a fashionable preacher. 

The sight of the menu of an Eogliah public dinner, where French 
intelligence is shown in both the sequence and selection of the 
difhffi 

The sight of ^ctures hung ** up<m the line" at the Academy, for 
reason of their merit, although painted by outsiders. 

TIm sight of some of the half-soyereigns, not to mention the fiye- 
pond notes, which, on yarious sham pretexts, we haye been cou' 
strained to lend to out-at-elbow acquaintances. 

The sight of a few rays of continuous bright sunshine, enough to 
Fsinstat e our faith in the actual exirtenee of a working Solar 
Cfystem. 

The **iaeit site in Europe '^ ornamented with a building to sup- 
plant the dome and pepper-boxes, and which should be truly worthy 
of the situation. 



The sight of a photograph of Qurself, which, in our own priyate 
opinion, really does us any justice. 

The sight of an improyed specimen of omnibus, which ^ou can 
actually sit in without fear of being suffocated, and which will posi- 
tiyely carry you as fast as your own legs. 

The sight of ai\ adyertisement seeking for us as the next of kin of 
a rich Somebody or other, whom we haye neyer heard of, who has 
left us all hia property. 

The sight of a new form of Constitutional French Goyemment, 
founded on eternal principles, and capable of enduring for upwards 
of a twelyemonth. 

The sight of our own butcher's bill, with steaks and legs of mutton 
charged at the same price as when we began housekeeping. 

The sight of a new patent machine tor washing shirts without 
knocking the buttons off. 

And, finally, a ** sight of money*" paid by some good fairy of the 
future to free us all fiom Income-tax. 



Xriah Xalody. 

Som lines of the late Mb. Thomas Moobb*s will probably be 
thought of the next time there is a Fenian rebellion. Irish Jury- 
men, marching against the Saxon, will sing— 
** Th» fnok^ w$*ve irUd 
Are by oar side, 
j» And the foes we hate : before us." 



1L0WBB8 OF SPBINO. 

Fathbb HxACtNTHB has been lately preaching at Qeneya. Gold- 
smith appears to haye inyented, by anticipation, a comparison to 
Faxhbb Htaointhb; namely. Dr. rBiMBOSB. 

The BiNX •• Rest."— The Bank Holiday. 



170 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April 26, 187S. 



THE TEA-TABLE TRAGEDY. 




X 'te got DeUrinm Tea-menB| 
M5r MTttTAif and me 

" You. 'ye got Deliritun Tea-meiu I 
Now what 'b that maladie P 
Bare not Bddrium Tremens 
With a ire and not a teaf** 



*' 0, no I I never boozed 

Sweet ale, or bitter bree— 

Mybrains I ne'er abnadd 
With hoUands or whiskie ; 

Nor hath my wife infiudd 
Brandf in her Bohea." 

*' Then donbtlen it is Bobnr 
Inspires thy wife and thee 
To stray with steps nnsober 
And langh deliriouslie ?'' 

" 0, no I it is not Eobor, 
The Spirit of the Tea. 

" 'Twas through a blind deyotion, 

My Miriam, for me, 
That you conoeived the notion 

That, saving only tea, 
Unwholeaome was the potion 

Of all the drinks that be. 

" So, at thy strict iigunction, 
All other drinks that be, 

Without the least oompunotion, 
Resigning instanUy, 

I turned my every f unotion— 
Inteliigent^on tea. 

*' Nay. not one moment wasting. 
The more to pleasure thee, 

With eager footstep hasting 
At sunrise to the Sea, 

I fell at onoe a-tasting 
Each fresh imported tea. 



"And now I nibbled' 

* Moning ' at two-an'-three, 
And, now, with lingual spasm, 

Lapoed up Gunpowder Tea, 
Until 1 felt nek passim 

Through all my entity. 

" Yet still I set fresh eyes on, 
And tasted, fast and free. 
Teas from eaoh far horizon 
Of Inde and eke Chinee. 
Till I ohanoed upon ' Tonng Hyson,' 
The finest of green tea. 

'*And,OI so sweet his savour I 
'Hi I Captain from Chinee,' 
I cried; 'come, what's to jpay for 
All of your Hyson Tea P '^ 



•.For all our •* Fineat Flavour," 
A thousand pounds,' quoth ne. 




" I paid it— every shilling. 

My MntiAK, for thee : 
And sev*ral waggons filling 

With chests of Hyaon Tea— 
My own with transport thrilling— 

])rove back to Finsburie. 

" Then down we sat together. 
My Mhliah, did not we, 

Begardless what the weather 
In London Town might be P 

Tes; down we sat together 
To make our Hyson Tea. 

•* What joy we then evinced. 

What fine f elicitie, 
As she the tea-pot rinsdd. 

And I spooned in the tea. 
What raptures we evinced— 

What gusts of gamesome glee I 

** Then pouring from the kettle 
Warm water plenteouslie. 
We let Young Hyson settle- 
Aye, left Young Hyaon free 
T* expand his pea-green petal 
Beneath a pink Coaie. 

*' Then oup on cup of Hvson 
We drained exstatio^lly. 

Not knowing he was pizen 
Ctuaffed in such quantitie : 

Now, wasn't that unwise in 
My Miriam and me P 

" Until at last my Misiax 
From her tenth oup of tea 

Upstarting from delirium 
Extremely suddenly— 

In dreadful D. Tea-lirium— 
Addressed herself .to me: . 

** * Behold the Qreen-Tea Devil, 
As green as green oan.be, 
Is leading up ms revel 

Across your oup of tea.' 
Beware I or he willbevil' 
Your nose^against your knee] 



^pogle 



April 26, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



171 



" I looked—and saw Young Hyion— 
iMwhim • • • 




A-ili ! I see t 
0, spare me, fine louAg Hyeon-^ 

Haye— merer— ^pon— me ! 
0, ! not that onp of pizen 1 

HelpI helpl help! help!'"' 

^'leee, 
You 'ye got Detirinm Tea-meni 
From drinking too muoh tea*'' 



OUK DOMESTIC DIGGINGS. 

A COKTEICPGR^ET qnotos a letter from one of oar largest ooal- 
owners, also an M.P., addressed to a friend, in which the writer, 
haymg stated the diffionlty in raising ooal he had to contend with, 
owing to the want of colliers, proceeds to say :— '* 8o, if yon should 
come across a good yein of skilled collier labour, content with 10«. 
to 15*. a day wafi[es, pray inform me." To be content with from 
10«. to 15«. a day IS to be satiified with, say, some £234 a year. If 
that is to be earned by mining here, there can be no inducement for 
any skilled miner to betake himself to gold or diamond diggings. 
He can liye in clover, on enough to satisfy all his wants, bj raising 
black diamonds at home. For a miner, an income of the aboye 
amount is a salary much more adequate than £5000 for a Law 
Officer of the Crown. The miner has no appearances to keep up in a 
, mine, where any ostentation would be so yery impcHrfectly illumi- 
n&ted by the Dayy lamp as to be inappreciable ; besides that, if it 
oould be seen, it would, from its incongruity with coal-grime, be 
derided. He needs not incur any expenses but those which are 
ner^^-iTj f ^ h^,n persoTial wants and pleamres, including cnampagne 
and doit-iightiiig ; which, the former Itucury as well as the latter 
amusement, he oan man aire to aifbrd well enough by a Judioious 
economy » abgve- ground, of lod^np, furniture, and clothes. 

Eeunomy in oatenution is puinleM to the ayerage miner. Culture 
ha^ not Itid him to imagine that other people trouble themselyes 
about bis looka^ nor does r<t?fleetion^ in ease he is endowed with any, 
admonish him to citre if they did ; because, in his line of life, any 
opinion of theirs on tiiat subject oould have no possible eflbct on his 
income. Herein he has the ady&ntafe of a lawyer, or a parson, or 
a medical man, whose professional reoeiptj or earnings, how beggarly 
soever, aTfi always more or less coutingent on the respect for Society. 
whi oh Society t'xpet:'^^ him to de monst rata by certain proprieties oi 
costume, residence, and carria^ Whereas a miner is free to 
inhabit a hoyel, and to go about in clothes and boots patched to any 
extent^ that suits his conyenience^ with a billycock hat of any 
antiquity on his headi and a short pipe in his mouth, as black as his 
hands and face. 

It used to be common for a young man. come of parents in 
KSMotable c^cumstances, to talk of going into this or that liberal 
Profession. These yocations will henoeforUi be monopolised by the 
sons of milliopTi a ir es. Olie only liberal profession possible for any 
other youUi will be one liberally remunerated, like that of mining. 
A boy not bom with a silyer spoon in his mouth, if rationally 
brought up in or within reach of a mining distnot, when asked what 
ne intends to do for a hying, will answer, not that he shall enter the 



Ohurchf or the Army, or the Nayy, or the Law, or the Medical 
Profession, but that he intends going into the Mine. Could he do 
better? 



SHOETEN TOUK DINNERS. 

QtUPki^ioxQ Ms. Punch, 

Ttti^ melancholy time of year is now full upon us when 
otHHmved immanity is sentenced to its annual three months of 
hif d kbour, in the way of driying» dressing, dining, dancing, and 
generally dmng all sorts of disa^oiltling and health-deBtroying 



Ifowi you and I, and other fellow dociil raiferers, would not so 
bitterly complain of the hardness of ouf krtf were our punishment 

Smfbed within the limits of the period assigned for its duration. 
uL so lasting are the ii^urietf it causes to our health, that, eyen 
bjr the yery carefuUest of li^g, ^e are barely able to restore our 
shattered neryes and battered eonstitutlofLB, efe the time for the 
recurrence of our suffering r«rtii|fis« 

To you and me, and otheri whose daaeinsr days are oyer, dinners 
Are undoubtedly the worst pifl of our punishment, and I rejoice to 
see ^t efforts are brayely beifig lnade« in certaia inflaential quar- 
ters, to procure for us some fei^iie dt the labours that i^iet us. 
How sorely this is needed may be guessed from this sad noan from 
one of your oontemporarie«« which rarely is constrained to murmur 
at such matters :-« 

** It is only neoeitary td waioh the habits of what if termed * Sooiety,' in 
order to arrive at the oonolosioa that they are quite sufficient to aoeount for 
more than half the ilinoiiet loffered by those who indulge in them. ... To 
say nothinff of the late hour at whioh people dine, many of them having eaten 
too muoh luecheon, or none at all, what an enormous variety of food they 
•wallow, or are expected to swallow, before they get up from the dinner table. 
They could assuage their hunger and slake their thirst comfortably in half an 
hour, yet for an hour and a half or two hours they go on eating and drinking, 
night after night, and it the end of the London season find themselyes, as 
they express it, ^ OioroQghly worn out with business.' " 

On sanitary groundif then, let us humbly pray Society— the Jug- 
gernaut we worshii>— io spare us from the sacrifice which its fashion 
of big dinners entails upon oar health. Life is short, and banquets 
of ten courses are decidedly too lonff to be undergone without im- 
perilling one*s strength. Abolish then your entrees, my dinner- 
giying friends, and let us haye pUin roast and boiled, like our 
granuathers of yore. Good soup, good fish, good meat, with a 
salad for a relish, and a morsel of good cheese, is all that man 
requires when he nts at home to dine, and why need cooks giye him 
more when he is tempted to dine out? A surfeit clogs his system, 
and destroys his sleep ; and when slowly and sadly he lays him 
down to rest, depend on it he hears the hoofs of coming nightmares, 
and tlunks bitterly of the morrow, and his yisit to the doctor. 

That we may ere long haye the sense to cast aside our Juggernaut, 
and to prolong our Uyes by shortening our dinners, is the feryent 
aspiration of yours piously. 

The Hermitage, Mayfair. Podagra. 



SWEETNESS AND LIGHT. 



Mb. Pukch has not the presumption to pretend to understand this 
adyertisement, but it is far too loyely to be lost. The fair ady^- 
tiser proclaims the merits of her ** Goyemesses' Institute" in 
BubUn. Something unwelcome seems to haye happened, but that 
is all oyer, and there'is formed in the heayen's sight one arcn of peace 
and loyeliness. Subjoined, be it explained, is a list of distinguiBhed 
patronesses : — 

MISS 0*BOROO is happy to announce that her Establishment— the 
first of its name— is now. and wHl be in future, the only one in Ste- 
phen's Green. So, should another strange oloud yenture. eren to the sur-> 
rouDdings of this, the ** brightest prospeot" of Dublin, the generous breaths 
of the undersigned, like so many refreshing Zephyrs, wiU at onoe send it 
back to its region, truly known by its smoke-like effusions. 



Sense in << Le FoUet." 



« One thing should always be borne in mind, that the material and colour 
that would constitute a robe iimple for a murried lady, is perfectly admissible 
Bs a toiUtpar^e for a young unmarried girl. This is a fact seldom lost sight 
of by our fashionable modist$$y who know that it is the out and fofon of a 
toilette that constitutes its real elegaaoe, and not the amount of money spent 
on it." 

Patebfaioijab, who has copied this extract from the Fashions for 
each of his four yoong unmarried daughters, is delighted to'find 
that the Paris modistee hold such sensible opinions, and earnestly 
hopes the London dressmalcers may imitate them, and come to the 
same economical conclusion. 



173 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDO^ CHARIVARL 



[April 26, 1878. 




RATHER AWKWARD! 

•• Well, and how 's the Beauty, Mas. Jessamt I As Lovely as ever I " 

**0, LOVEUER, IF POSSIBLE, MlU POLKINOTON I SffE'S JUST BEEN SHORT- COATED, POOR DAKLINO, AND ' 

** Jv8t—bems—8bort^Coated, Mrs. JessamyI III" "Yes, op course! My Baby you mean, don't you!" 

**0— ER— NOl I— I—/ MEANT YOUR OPPOSITE NBiaHBOUR— MiSS BbLSUE I" 



TO THE TICHBORNE JURY. 
Gentlemek,— 

To save My Lord, and yon, and Ds. Kensalt (more power 
to hisTelbow) all trouble, I have the honour to inform yon that the 
noble Cartoon opjfotit»t which appears on the day on which Mb. 
Ca8T£0*s trial benns, is not intended to bias you in the - idightest 
degree. I should think it an impertinenoe to suppose that anything 
could bias you, but Dn. Kinsaly has paid you that compliment, by 
making an elaborate complaint about an old shilliuff oook, quite 
forgotten until he revived it. Therefore, Gentlemen of the Jury, be 
plMsed to understand that my picture simply embodies my 
intolerable annoyance that once more society is to be set diBCussing, 
in season and out of season, the details of a case which it is your 



dutv to try, but which I wish could be tried with closed doors, and 
in the absence of reporters. Now, dear Gentlemen, I leave you to a 
duty which I am sure you will discharge admirably, with the aid of 
the Dcet Bench that could sit to preside over the trial, and receive 
your verdict " I will stand (or rather sit) and mark«" as my 
friend the Laureate has it 

Your faithful servant, 



A LKCTUBB AT BXSIEB. 

CoLSBiDOi on WoBDSWOBTH. Duo rebukc 

Administered to scoffing railer. 
In a discourse from Bnt JoHir Duke, 

Which might have come from Saicuxl Taylob. 



WABTKD— A 8FB0DCBB'. 

A Fish kot yet nr ihb BBiasioir ob Cbysial Palagi 
Aquabium.— A Boot Jack. 



REAL EDIFICATION. 

If walls really had ears, and could understand what they hear, 
the walls of some of our proposed national schools would be likely 
to learn, on one subject at least, a great deal more than an^ of the 
scholars whom they contain. That subject is one of no less import- 
ance than the Fourth R. ; as to which the Secularists propose that 
schools provided by school-boards shall be open, out of school hours, 
to ministers of all religious denominations, for the purpose of afford- 
ing the children belonging to each of them instruction, separately, 
in their several creeds. As a branch of education, a great deal is 
wont to be said about religious knowledge. The most thorough 
knowledge, such as that epithet distinfinishes, would be the know- 
led^ of reliffion that the walls of the Secularist schools within 
which the scholars were taught it in turn, would acquire if they 
were endowed with hearing and intellieence. Those walls would 
know all the current religions, instead of knowing only one of them. 
Then they would be in the position of bein^r able to cnooae the best 
for themselveik instead of being merely urejudioed with some variety 
of one-sided dogmatism. Thus a Secularist school would, in a very 
short time, become, more truly than any Church of any one particu- 
lar sect, a religious edifice. 



Literary Oenur. 

A PoBi advertisM a work with the title The Curu qflmmorUMy. 
As we have not seen it, we are not rude in simpoeiiig— f rom study of 
modem poetry— that it has a reasonable nope of escaping that 
terrific docon. Another poem has been published, of which a critic 
sa]p that it is *'notewmrthy." It ur. but the author wouldnot muxm 
enjoy the notes we have made on hiiB margins. A third new publi- 
eation invitee remark. The title is TKelSarojMe$Cro99. Whiohi 
baronet, and what has made him 
refused him apeerage P 



I The Baroness Cron. Which j 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— Apbil 26, 1873. 




THE GREAT *' IRREPRESSIBLE." 



''Macbeth. THEN COMES MY FIT AGAIN: 

HENCE, HORRIBLE SHADOW I 

UNREAL MOCEERT, mSNCE\''^8hak$peare. 



• • • 



Digitized by 



Gqo^I( 



i 



Digitized by 



Google 



April 36, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHABIVARL 



175 



POSTHUMOUS BRAYING. 







HB expediency of 
giving exeoutoM 
Bome dieoretioii in 
o&iea where the 
leatator haa had 
Tkone at all^ should 
h& demonBtrated 
to the legisla- 
tors by the sorap 
of newi sub- 
joined: — 

" EXTBAO&DINABT 

Bbqubstb. — Cap- 

TAJS ••••♦. of 

the 2ad Battalion, 
6th Segment, sta- 
tioned at Drogheda, 
■who died a few days 
aico, requested that 
after hU decease a 
splendid grey char- 
ger, Talue £150. 
should be shot, and 
that a phaeton of 

rit Talue should 
destroyed. Tee- 
terdaj these requests 
were carried out, the 
oharger being shot, 
add the phaeton 



broken up. The deceased officer bequeathed 58, a week to support a Newfoundland dog.*' 
Did yon eyer see a dead donkey P Yes, if yon eyer beheld the mortal 



remains of anybody the fellow of that one who eigoined 
his representatiyes to perpetrate the idiotio absurdity 
of destroying a yaluabie horse and carriage. A^ man 
might die and endow a college, or a cat, or a dog either, 
without making himself an absolute congener of the long- 
eared quadruped, if that were all ; but the additional 
requests that a horse worth £150, and a phaeton of 
proportionate cost, should be made a?ray with, are testa- 
mentary dispositions of which no creature could be 
capable leas stupid than the ignoble animal above spe- 
oined. Legal obligation, surely, could alone induce any 
executors not as senseless as himself te carry out the 
ridiculous directions of such an ass. 

A LEGEND OF THE THAMES. 
The progeny of Juno 

Were monsrels to behold. 
The Keeper tnought they 'd do no 

Good, so the lot he sold. 

A baker, for a shilling. 

The brood entire did buy, 
And of them, after killing, 

He sold a rabbit-pie. 

0, this delicious pasty, 

So cunningly prepai^dd 
Witii condiments right tasty, 

A water-party shared I 

Thus Ponto, Doihf and CarlOf 

Were eaten up, all three. 
Beneath the Bridge of Marlow. 

Ha, hal by whom. Bargee ? 



OTTB SEPBE8ESTATIVE MAV. 

Final touches to the British Museum^HoUday tinie—FareweU—A 
Quiet Watering Place^A Seorit-'An Offer-^Close of this Series. 
Apteb twice considering this interesting collection, I haye arriyed 
at the conclusion that a yisitor cannot begin his examination at a 
bettor point than that offered by Case No. 2, Upper Floor, Third 
Boom, where are preserved all that remains of that once playful and 
amusing reptile, the Dicynodon, It is described, with truth, as 
*' The large and very remarkable." Its teeth were fortunately 
limited to two ; if there had been a few more, it is probable that the 
Megatherium, the Plesiosaurus, and the other quiet members of the 
Happy Family of the Great JPantomimic Period, would not have 
stood much clianoe of a dinner, unless they combined and dined off 
the Dicynodon. 

Do not fail to notice the Gigantic Herring, three feet and a half 
long. I remarked, also, a large number of prodigious Anchovies in 
oil, which were, perhaps, dainty dishes for the Ogres, Cycbpian 
brothers, and Gorgibusters, of the Antediluvian Era. 

I next entered Boom YL, which at first si^ht seems to resemble 
what might have been the exhibited collection of an advertising 
PainlessDentist in*the Edentata period. My friend WiL&a imme- 
diately observed tha( an Irishman would seize upon this last name 
to jump at the conclusion that the Forbidden Fruit in Paradise was, 
probably, a poteto; "as," he urged, "if it wasn't, what could be 
meant by the Eden-^tater period r " 

Promising to represent nis theory in the proper quarter, I drew 
his attention to the " Osseous remains of the Quadrupeds without 
front teeth ; "— &ii^, with such tusks ! 

A board requeste you not to touch the specimen of the " €tiant 
Ground Sloth.^' How different the request would have been had he 
still been Uving I Alas I poor Yorick I 

Every creature in this room belongs to the Ghreat Pantomime 
Period^ which would have been a merry time had they had some 
sparkling music ; but a trifle dull without. 

The Dinotherium (an animal, not a Club) seems to have been an 
eccentric animaL His large tusks, being in the lower instead of the 
upper jaw, and directed downwards, were ^robabljr so placed in 
order to assist him, when in a joyous mood, in turning head over 
heels, either for amusement or to puzzle the loe. 

And now. Sir. in reply to your guestions regarding "my inten- 
tions," I reply that this is holidav time ; and so, farewell. 

I go to the quietest sea-side place that I can at this Easter time 
Oiow did you like the seasonable, because Easterly, winds f), be 
found. Au revcir. 



I am there. I have been here and still would go. 'tis like a littie 
Haven below.— being, in fact, a sea port, and callea Littiehamptqn. 
As WA.Ga, who accompanied me, because he professed to like a quiet 
place, b-^ — ^' JiJ-*5u ^ X ^_a ii. ...i. .V J 

^* There 



but who didn't expect to find it so very quiet, observed, 
re 's precious littie of the Hampton in it" ^ut when I tell 



you that Wag&*s idea of solitude is the Brighton Aquarium on an 
Easter Monday, you wiU be able to appreciate his remark for jost 
exactty ito proper value. ^ , « i.. « ^ 

Here everything is calm and peaceful. Even the Sea seems to 
snore at regular intervals, while ite bosom heaves placidly. Wind- 
mills here go lazily and noiselessly. There are miles and miles of 
sands, and your eve (whichever you like, my littie deart rests upon 
the green sward, lying betireen your front windows and the beach. 
Here oldldren, unprotected, can roam fearlessly by day, and at night 
the bold Policeman is a luxury, scarcely a necessitjr. ^ ^ ^ _ , 
Inland, the country is lovely, and there are the Parks of Arundel 
and Aujrmering, the Grove of Nightingales, and the Romantic 
Bo^^iiuet, wheru the something or other is caught in profusion in the 
picturesque tarn, and the something else sings harmoniously on the 
tepinost boughs; a fact that accounto for my not having been able 
to discover what he was. , . x- • -i. xi. 

I fear I am doing the puce a grievous wrong in mentioning it. it 
is ao quiet and so private that even the proprietors of a very perfect 
little Hotel bare attempt to keep ite existence a secret from the 
world at kr*rt3 ; and I do not suppose I should have ever discovered 
th^ ** Belle Vue " had not an enterprising waiter, havinff become a 
tride tired of his monotonous life, hung up the words Coffee 
Boom " on a label in the front window. , ^ , ,. , , . 

Aladdin^ entering his fairy palace for the first time, could not 
have been more agreeably surprised than was I at the comfort and 
elegance of this esteblishment The Manager and the Waiter were, 
for a few memento, staggered at the sight of a stranger, but, re- 
covering themselves, they proved that the genie of the Eitohen 
could provide an excellent and reasonable repast. They appeared 
alarmed at the chance of my disclosing their secret, and, on re- 
visiting the spot next morning, I expected to find that the Belle 
Yue " nad disappeared, having been spirited away to some more 
remote and less known watering-place. . ^ * xv 

In order to give my readers some notion of the gaie^ ox this 
place in the Season, I wiU venture to repeat the Hotel Managers 
information. "Oh, yes. Sir," said he, quite smiling and brisk in 
anticipation of the future dissipation ; " we 're lively enough here m 
the Season. Why, we engage a man to play the piano in the 
drawinff-room, regularly." x- « «itx • j jtm 

I could only murmur, slovriy and emotionally, " Do you, indeed I 
And then I dined at this Establishment for the Qumtessenoe oi 
duiesoenoe, experiencing less remorse for having awoke them from 
their slumbers, than I should have felt had I not seen three or f oui 
people already seated in the snug and oomf orteble SaUe d Manger. 
^^w, Sir, to my Island Home I Farewell! "Where the bee 

g^oks ^" and so forth. Your Tricksy Sprite is away for his 

holiday, and, for the present, at all events, you will hear no more 
of, or irom, Yoxm BTiPmwwNTATivE. 

P.S.— Of course, if you Uke, I can Represent You on my hoUda) 
trip. It will save your learing your desk, and I '11 only charge yoi 
hau expenses. 



Digitized by VJ^^I^^L^ 



1T6 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Afbil 26, 1873. 




ING foT tfae gftriah eye 

When moonless brandlingra olini! 
Let the frodderiDg crooner erf. 

And the braddkd Bapster Binf . 
For, never and never again 

Will the totteringr beeolilings pUf , 
For brat deed wraekers ars hinging aload, 

And the throngeri croon in Maj I 

The wracking g:lobe nnBtraiJg', 

Unatrunif ia the fritterini light 
Of a moon that knows no daf ! 

Of a day that knows no night ! 
Diving away in the orowd 

Of flparkling frets of ipray. 
The bratticed wrackera are iingicg aload, 

And the throngera croon in May I 

Hasten, hapf nl blua. 

Bine, of the thimmeriDg brow, 
Hasten the deed to do 

That shall roddle the welkin now I 
For never again shall a cloud 

Oiit-thribble the babhling day, 
When hrattiaed wraokera are si agio g 
aloud, 

And the throngen croon in May. 



EARNEST PENITENCE. 

Ws rinoerely hope that the Banians will be kind and gentle with 
the Kklv of imxk. He may have erred, but rarely he hai now 
not only made amendf , bat hai ahown rach a traly noble natare 
that it woald be erael indeed to afflict him farther. Be hai releaied 
the RoBiian priionera. '* That '• bat a trifle," as the aristocrat says 
in Xing Lear, when he hears that " Edmund ia dead, my lord." 
Bat to show how earnest is his sorrow at haying been misled into 
oAbnding Bossiij the high-minded Khut has oat off the heads of 
erer so many of his own ancles and ooasins, indnding his Premier. 
He exoels Asmnrs Wasd, who only said that he woald make 
almost any saorifloe for the good of his oonntry— woald saoriftoe all 
his wife's relations. The great Ehav may want a handle, bat his 
sword dearly wants none. We have . rarely read of an instance of 
more heroio oondnet, or one in which a noble penitenoe was so man- 
folly shown. We may add. that thongh a Khan's life has its 
troaUes, it has its compensations. Think of being able to extermi- 
I nate one's relattres, jost as a sort of preliminary measore, before 
entering serioasly into details of basiness. The thoaght mskes one 
danoe a Khan-khan. 



SAFE, IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES. 

Last Taesday was the commencement of Easter Term. On that 
day the Lord Ghancbllob gave the nsoal breakfast to the Jadgee 
and Qaeen's Connsel previoosly^ to going in procession to West- 
minster HalL The newly-appointed Jadges were in attendance; 
bat a great legal officer, whose office is vacant, was conspicaoas by 
his absence, all the rather that there coald not have been a more 
particalar occasion for his presence than that of the jadicial and 
forensic morning meaL Bat his place was roppUed. More than 
one learned partaker of that repast is nnderstood to have poked his 
neighbonr in the ribs, and pointing to a plate of apmropriate comes- 
tibles, to have whispered, grinning— *' The Lobd Chavcbllor for 
the present takes the basiness of the Misibb of thb Rolls." 



FASHIONABLB AXBITAL. 



Mb8. MiLAFBOP has retamed to the Caledonian Bosd* from Scot^ 
land. She has been spending the East( 
Mas. RiMSBOTHUf , in the Cossacks. 



'Wt^g^y^ba^l 



Apbil 26, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



177 




MATERNAU 

LUtU Woman (hugging her new Doll). '* Isn't she ▲ Dabung ? 

TO TOU, ONLY— SHB's MX OWN!!" 



I'd giys hxb 



THE SONGS OF SPEING. 

I LOYB to flee the tnltry throng, 
And roam the Solitades among, 
Bejoidng in the wild birds' song ; 

There, far away from the suffkws, 
Am aolaoed hj the mingled oaws 
And oaokle of the rooka and daws : 

Haye manj a time diatinctl j heard. 
In singing, more than one small bird 
A Yoioe articolately word. 

The Ni|[htingale throws all away 
A warning, meet for them that stray 
In towns alone, and live on prey. 

For, whether on the prowl, or anng 
in pothouse, oyer jtipe and mug. 
They hear it not sing *' Jog, jog, jag I " 

That word to me snggests no fear 
Of Prison, when it strikes mine ear ; 
Bat bids me think upon my beer. 



A NOTE FOE NATAL. 



, Thb subjoined telegram from Washington breathes 
yengeanoe against a horde of murderous and treacherous 
sayages :— 

** Profound indignatloa preTaib in the army and offioial circlet 
at the assaasmation of GaNBRAL Canbt. Tne Pbbsidbnt aod 
the Cabinet are deeply grieyed, and unreeerredly lanotion the 
adoption of the severest measures of retribution. Ani immediate 
morement of the troops on the Modocs has been ordered, and 
then punishment will be complete and relentlMS." 

Should this meet the eye of Bishop Colekso, it may 
suggest to him the question whether he should not haye 
thought twioe or th^ times before entertaining an ob- 
jeotion based on the extermination of certain races, and 
urffed by his inconyertible Zulu. But, in the interest 
of humanity, Punch is sternly pleased to hear that the 
sayages haye been driyen from their "laya fortress," 
and that the American cayalry haye had their innings. 



BOMB AND BOHEMIA. 
Bt accounts from Austria :— 

** The proTinoial clergy of Bohemia hare endeayoured to found a Boman 
Catholio fiank at Prague, entitled the * Bank of St. John,' the management 
of which was to be exclusively in the hands of priests. The imperial authori- 
ties haye, howeyer, declined their assent to the scheme." 

It is difficult to imagine what particular objection the Austrian 
Goyemment can haye nad to a bank managed by Eoman Catholic 
ecclesiastics. The presumption would be, as to probity at least, in 
fayour of its reyer^ managers. On the other hand there is equal 
difficulty in forming an idea of any special relation that can exist 
between Eoman Catholicism and banking, unless amongst people 
whereof the Protestant bankers were generally rogues, and the 
Jewish, for the most part, no better. The only place which denomi- 
nationalism has occupied in finance has hithOTto beoi filled almost 
entirely by gentlemen of the last-named persuasion ; a small part 
of it <mly haying been held by Members of the Society of Fri^ds. 
Eoman Catholic priests, tumini^ bankers, would find themsdyes in 
a position of express antithesis, jf not antagonism, to a Community 
in relation to whom they, by their own showing, were originaUy 
Protestants. A bank in Bohemia, if the Bohemia were our own, 
and not Austria's, would be a rather questionable concern, whether 
its directors professed themselyes Eoman Catholics, Protestants, or 
Jews. The Imperial Authorities cannot, to be sure, haye oon- 
fonnded the idea of a Eomanist with that of a Eomany bank among 
Bohemians. Some want of confidence, howeyer, must haye been 
the reason wh]f they refused to sanction the banking scheme of the 
Bohemian Po]^ish i^ests. The frustration of that project precludes 
a question which might haye arisen if they had permitted it. Would 
the bank instituted by those reyerend gentlemen haye insisted on 
the practice of crossing all cheques P 



Motto fob Akthbopological Sogisiies.— " The proper study of 
mankind is man." 



SOMETHINa FOE SIE JOHN LUBBOCK TO DO. 

Eastbr-Moitdat was not a hpliday for eyerybody. eyen in the 
Citjr- For instance, one of the papers, referring to what was hap- 
pening on that day, announced that *' at the Mansion House the 
Aldermen and principal officers of the Corporation dine with the 
Lord Matob, and afterwards attend Diyine Sendee in Christ 
Churchy Newgate Street, where the 'Spital Sermon' will be 
preached by the Bishop of Saubbttbt." It must haye been a 
hard task for the principal members of the congregation to keep 
awake, and pay proper attention to the Spital sermon, after par- 
taking of the hospitality^ of tho Mansion House, in which this year 
there seems to be anything but a falling ofil It is sad to reflect that 
the Swordbearer, and the Secondary, and the Aldermen who haye 
passed the chair, may haye been caught napping by a Bishop. For 
a clear recollection of the discourse we can but look to the 
Eemembrancer. To preyent the possibility of unseemly oonse- 
guences, would it not be better in future that the dinner should 
follow uie sermon, instead of the sermon ooming after the dinner P 
An amendment in the Bank Holidays Act to this effect would proye 
an immense relief to those meritorious persons whose annual duty 
it is to spend part of their Easter Monday at church in Newgate 
Street. . 

Hiatorical. 
Ws'ys a book from the pen of old Calib (nS CusHnra}« 
Whidi no honest Yankee can read without blushing : 
But, taken in joke, it is worth any money, 
And *' Caleb,^' we know, was the son of '^G. Finfinr.'' 



A Daring Enterpriae. 

A BUMOVB has reached us that an influential deputation is about 
to seek an interyiew with the Chahcbllob of the Exchequer, with 
a yiew to induce him to sanction (at the public expense) an expe- 
dition in search of the Lost Tribes. 



ITS 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April 26, 1873. 




FASHIONABLE DEFORMITY. 

ELL jou. Ladies— 
fashioiuDle Ladies 
—please to spare 
two minates ^ of 
yoar Talnable time 
to reading what was 
said, the other day, 
by Ms. Tbobt- 
MRiKB, before a 
number of the 
membem of the 
National Health 
Society, who met 
to hear him lee- 
tore upon that de 
lightfol subjeot— 
Dress:— 

" The outrageous 
fashion of constriot- 
ing the waist, and 
thas alterinr the i 
tural fonn of the body, 
' wai the greatest enl 
oonnected with fsmsle 
dress. They had some 
to look upon this 
oonstriotion almost 
natural, but it was in 
itself a hideous i 
formity. Not long sco 
he was talking to a lady, whose weight was about twelve stone, and she told 
him that the sise of her waist was eighteen inehes ; and he had measured 
many of the yillanous bands with which the female waiit was bound, and 
found that they did not exceed that size. Into a space, then, of eighteeii 
inches the lungs, heart, liyer, and stomach— the four largest and most 
important organs of the body — were to be compressed." 

A joker might remark that a fashionable ladv is like a striet 
economist, beoanse she makes a great fuss about a little waist. Bat 
the practice of ti^ht-laoing is too serious to be laughed about. It 
can clearly be no joke to squeeze your heart, and lungs, and liyer— 
to say nothing of your stomach (think of thatf ye Aldermen I)— into 
a space that many a man with his two hands could span. Women 
who, for fashion's sake, perform this hateful feat, are virtually 
guilty of committing actual suicide, and deserve well to be buried 
at four cross roads when they die. 

Bat, Ladies, read a little further what was said upon the subject :— 

" The system of tight-laoing was attended with the greatest possible evil. 
The heart oould not act, consequently the eirculation was impeded ; and as 
none of the organs were properly nourished, disease of the whole body here 
and there took place. They got eren the most visible effects of impeded cir- 
culation. Women who tight-laced sutfered from cold feet and got red noses. 
{Laughter,) If they would only bear that fact in mind, it might hare a 
greater effect upon them than, perhi^is, any consideration of healto." 

Here, one would think, is what should act as a deterrent from 
tig[ht-lacingy if t^e fear of even suicide should be found to fail of 
doing so. Many a lady mi^ht oonsent to die a martyr to the fashion, 
who would shrink from it in terror if she thought her nose would 
suffer by it. Yet haply a red nose may, in oourse of time, be viewed 
as a fashionable ornament, and love-songs may be written, by the 
lovers of Mayfair, in the mannw of the following :— 

My love has got a red, red nose, 

Like roses blown in June : 
Her vital organs, dear it shows, 

Are sadly out of tune. 
My love has got a waspish waist, 

A waspish temper, too ; 
i^laok, she is so tightly laced. 

The year she 11 scarce live through* 

My love is like an hour-glass, 

80 slender is her shape : 
Her sands of life full soon will pass. 

Her grave 's e'en now a^ape. 
But ahl red nose, nor gaping tomb, 

Are fearful in her eye ; 
Bather to health sana stays than come, 

She '11 in the fashion die. 



AN EASTERN SUBJECT. 



WAPPura seems a most unlikely place for a person of studious 
habits to select as a retreat. Yet, amongst the pictures in the Inter- 
national Exhibition at Kensington we find A Study at Wapping. 



MOBE PUFFS WAITTED. 

OuB theatrical advertising friends give us v^ delightful, if 
somewhat monotonous, reading, every morning. We are charmed 
to think of '* the still waters of the Thames rushing swiftly," we are 
greatly comforted to know that though a fire is so tremendous to 
behold tiiere is no real danger, we are gratified with the sweet 
English of the announcement that an eminent actor will appear in 
the " dual rSlea " (which they are not, but the two parts) of Some- 
body and Somebody else ; and we are very glad to know that Shak- 
spsabb's comedy of Much Ado About Nothing is, in a Manager's 
opinion, " sparkling." 

- But as this sort of thing has been served up for a long time| we 
might petition for a little variety. Why do net the Managers imi- 
tate another class of persons iHio push off drugs by means of puffing f 
Let us have some testimonials to the efficacy of given dramas. Mr. 
Punch is never ill-natured, and would not hurt anybody's feelings 
for the world* so i;i giving an idea of what he means, he disclaims 
the intention of alluding to any theatre in particular. The stars 
forbid that he should make ** uncalled-for remarks." But why 
can't we nave something like this ?— 

Thxatbb Botal, Blooxbbitbt SatTABB, 
The Management is permitted to pubUsh the followitg letter, the 
original of which may be seen at the Box Office between 10 and 5— 
fee optional:— 

Sir,— I feel it my duty to bear sincere testimony to the merits of 
your great and beautiful drama. The SerpenVs Whisper. For nine 
nights I had enjoyed no sleep whatever. A friend advised me to 
buy a box at your house. I did so, but with little faith in the 
remedy. Before the first Act was over, I was sleeping as soundly as 
ever in my life, and I did not rouse till the box-keeper informed me 
that the house was beiuff shut up. Then I awoke. ** bright as a 
button.** I have attended several times since, with the same happy 
fortune, and I reoomynend The Berpen^e Whisper to all my friends. 
Make Wu^tever use you plense of thu communication, and believe me 

Your faithful Servant, 

"WiDOBBT Popps. 

TflEATBX EOTAL, HAKPtnAD HbATH. 

The following letter will speak for itself :— 

Sir,— I have to thank you for adding a considerable sum of money 
to my means. I had lately witnessed, at a rival establishment, the 
performance of a piece called the Fiery Tombstone, A friend, who 
accompanied me, betted with me, heavily, that this was the worst 
play in the whole world. I took him to your theatre, where we 
beheld the representation of your brilliant piece, the Boiled Owl of 
Avemus. He instantly felt that he had lost, and signed a cheque 
for the bet, while we were partaking of the charmingly warmed 
soda-water ministered at your refresmnent stalL 

Yours very sincerely, 

WlLLIAX BuincDU 

Thbatbx Botal, Salisbitby Pladt. 
Averse to self-praise, the Manager feels it a duty to give publicity 
to this testimonial from a stranger : — 

Sir,— Domestic details cannot be uninteresting to one who, Uke 
yourself, is so succm^uI with the domestic drama. It has been my 
misfortune to unite myself in holy padlock with a lady who is of an 
unsympathetic nature and a bitterly bad temper. We quarrel 
terribly from morning to night. But we are sometimes conscious of 
our unhappy condition, and lament it. The other evening my wife, 
in an unu|iually softened mood, observed that not a misery could be 
added to our life. I immediately ordered a cab, and took her to 
your theatre, to witness your new burlesque. Strabismus ; or^ the 
Winking Walrus of Westphalia, We endured it to the end. and. 
as we returned in abject depression, we agreed that we had still 
something to be thankful for. We are very wretched, but we 
need not see your piece again, unless we like,— and we don't like. 

Yours gratefully, 

Babnabt Fudoi. 

N.3. To Managers. 

The above suggestion is Registered, and any person using it with- 
out Mr, Punches sanction will be prosecuted with the utmost rage 
and f ory of the law. 



Equality on Horseback. 



In connection with Women's Bights, it is whispered that a move- 
ment is about to be set on foot amongst fair equestrians for the 
abolition of side-saddles. Why not? How charmingly Mbs. Bousbt r> 
looked as Joan of Arc mountedl Digitized by^^n^^^^ V V^ 



Mat 3, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



179 




ADJUSTMENT. 

Bootmaker (io^ has a deal of trouble toUh this Customer). " I think. Sib, if 

TOU WSBB TO Cut TOUA CoBNB, I OOTTLD mors KA8ILT FIND YOU A PaIB *' 

OhoUrU Old OtnOenuui, *< Cut xt Corns, SiBt— I ask tou to Fit xb a 
Paib o' Boots to my Fkbt, Sir !— I 'x not going to Planb xy Frbt down 
to Fit tour Boots ! ! I " 



SEBYAMTS AND SOSCEBEBS. 

Of spirits nerer talk to me. 

That through the air with MediTuns fly ; 
Cuitrips that would but witchoraft be 

Without the broomstick— all my eye 1 
Yet if a sonl oonld now be sold 

To bay familiar demons* aid, 
There 's far more motive than of old 

For such a bargain to be made. 

Imps ever waiting at oommand, 

Prompt servioe, and oomplete, and free 
From waste, preposterous demand, 

Dirt, and impertinence, to be ; 
What terms I The Rbyxbbnd Dr. Whewxll, 

Himself, oonld not haye known what can 
More be, for Man's immortal jewel, 

Bid by the Enemy of Man, 

For footman and for serrant maid, 
Who would not decent fiends engage, 

If lawful, and, for choice, arrayed 
As Buttons, keep a goblin page Y 

But now the Tempter Faustus plies ^ 
No more with hints his soul to sell ; 



Because the ** Ghost that still denies 



Knows his own game a deal too welL 

If a suggestion he would shape. 

To work a Doctor's " fiendful" fall, 
'Twould be :— " Aooount thyself Fitz- Ape. 

Believe thou hast no soul at all ! " 
Yet, if his plan were souls to buy, 

No better one oould he pursue 
Than that of proflbr to supply 

And suit with servants me and you. 



Tale of a Tab. 



Thb sanitary arrangement*— ventilatbn, etc,— of our 
Law Courts have often been the subject of complaint, 
but personal cleanliness seems to be held in proper 
estimation within those venerable precincts. In the 
Court of Exchequer, the office of ** Tubman" has just 
been filled up, the gentleman appointed taking posses- 
sion of his seat with *'the customary formalities," 
which we should have liked to see described. 



I 



MAT MEETINGS. 

JfiFls^— Chimney Sweepers' Conversauons and BalL 

2m^.— Private Yiew of the Eoval Academy— Meeting of Painters 
and Critics— Meeting of Mat and Gxbald. 

3r<2.— Anniversary Dinner of the Surviyors of the Battle of Maida 
HilL 

S^^^Sooiety for the Revival of Old English Sports and Pastimes— 
Maypoles (in the City), Morrice-Dancers, Mummers, Tilts, Tourna- 
ments, Popinjav, Qumtain, &o. 

6<A.— Annual Meeting of the Anglo-Indo Suboceanic Intercom- 
munication Company. 

7^^— Society for the Amelioration of the Upper Classes. 

8/A.— Constitutional Walkers. To meet at the seventh milestone 
on the London Boad, and walk across to Bagihot Heath. After 
lunch, to resume as far as Moulsey Hurst Dinner, fietum to 
Town. 

9^^— Cosmopolitan Humanitarians. Decayed Dentists. Society 
for the Suppression of Mendacity. 

lOM.— Anti- Wine, Beer, Spirits. Tobacco. Snuff, Scents, Perfumes, 
Condiments, Essences, Sweets, and Novel- Beading AUiance. 

12^A.— Society for the Introduction of additional Bachelors into 
Genteel DiBtriots. Oldest Inhabitants. 

13^A.— Concert and Ball for the benefit of the Provident, Friendly, 
and Weddinff-Day Dinner Fund of the Amalgamated Carriage- 
Lamp Wick-Makers and Trimmers. 

14<A.— Grand Banquet of the Button-Makers' Company. 

15<A.— Association for Supplying the Ladies of Beyrout and Da- 
mascus with Pages and Parlonr-Maids. 

16/A.— Society for the Expansion of Thought and Elimination of 
Prejudice. 

17<A.--Triennial Festival of the Butter, Cheese, and Baoon- 
Factors* Warehousemen, Clerks, and Assistants' Association. The 
Masqihs of Hah in the chair. 



19^^- Great Demonstration of the Anti- Yaccination, Yentilation, 
Fumigation, Education, and Legislation Phalanx. 

20M.— Humane Society for the Protection of Maisters and Mistresses 
against Domestic Servants. Upper Servants'. /SmV^^ and Ball. 

21s<.— Association for the Emancipation of Women from the 
Shackles of Conventionalism. 

22m;.— Eastern Countries Savings Banks and Shoe-Black Bngade 
Society. 

23rj.— International Croquet Congress. 

2UK^8oirSe of the lion Killers, Tiger Slayers, and Elephant 
Hunters' Club. 

26<^— Society for the relief of deserving Apparitors, Proctors, 
Notaries, Prothonotaries, and Surrogates. 

27^A.— Tercentenary Commemoration of Ancient and Hospitable 
Roisterers. Lobd Rubicon in tiie Chair. 

28^A.~Derby Day— greatest of all the May Meetings. 

29^A.— Restoration of Chables the Second. Meeting of Omni- 
buses at tiie Royal Oak. Oxford and Cambridge Men sport their 
Oak. 

30^A,— Oaks Day. Annual Cricket Match between the Heads of 
Houses of the Uniyeraities of Oxford and Cambridge. 

31«t— Quinqueimial Festival of Executors, Administrators, and 
Assigns. Ceremony of laying the Foundation Stone of the New 
Laundries of the Royal Philanthropic and Patriotic Asylum by the 
Duke of Dunwicu. 

Meetings of Creditors, Unexpected Meetings, Meetings of Old 
Friends. Meetings bv Moonlight, Meetinn in the Yestry, and Meet- 
ing of tne Waters, all through the Month. 



FBOFSR P&OMOnON. 



The Lobd Matob, after his brilliant celebration of Shakspbibe's 
birthday, now ranks as a Citizen— and successful— ** Spectacle- 
maker.'^ Digitized by "KJMKJKJSLVL. 



VOL. LXIV. 



180 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARL 



[Mat 3, 1873. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 




00 D bojB Are alwEjs puuotual 
as to retarning to schtK?! after 
liolidaysi Members of Parlia- 
ment are not, as a rule, bad 
bopsi but they did not muBter 
very Btrotiglj' on thia Monday, 
April 2U&, The Lords oame, 
find aat for about forty miimtes. 
during which they di&aniaed 
two meaiures in the iuter^t of 
those tinfoTtimate little perionB 
whom SiK FRAKCia Hkad, in a 
iamoDfl article in the Quarterly 
M^pmwt made a yonng ladv, 
with .long oorla, call Hilly 
JittixEtties ; tihoie who, in. Mb. Sitagb'S' words,— 

<' live to build, not bMit, a gvMrevi rMe." 

Mb. Gladstoitb and four faithhil ooUeag^oes* appeared, like the knights in 
the Ivanhoe tonmament, to do battle . against all oomers ; bnt the oomars 
declined to come np to any soratoh. 

So we soon ffot on Mb. Fawcbit's Dublin UniTersity Bill. He promised to 
be quite amiable, and kept his word. He had made a sort of bargain with 
GoYemment that he shonld have their support if his Bill merely abolished Tests. 
To that olyect he had therefore confined it, and he thought that the Uniyersity 
might be left to enact other liberal Statutes for itself. Mr. Punc A congratulates 
Mb. Fawcbit on his wisdom and moderation, and would quote a new saying, 
which has neyer yet appeared in print,— 

** The better part of yalocir it disoretiDn." 

Mb. MrrcHBLL-HEXTBY complained that Ireland had been much insulted in 
former debates on the subject, and that herpuise had been caused to beat more 
tumultuonsl;^ than for many years past We are bound to say that the oiitward 
and visible sign of Irish wrath has not be«n lacking to the Hibernian organs, 
and that their Belin's Gate language has been of the strongest. Let us liope 
that, in Mb. Moobb*s words, Ireland will "feel that pulse no more.'' He 
declared the test to be a small matter, it was Protestant *' atmosphere" that 
asphyxiated young Catholics. They cannot breathe where it is taught that an 
eye on canyass cannot wink, and that the earth goes round the sun. 

There was more speaking, but like Thersites (for once) Mr, Punch felt 
inclined to say to the Irish lads, " Be silent, boys, I profit not by your conver- 
sation." At last 

Mb. GLASSTOifrB expressed hisapprovtlof the Bill, although it was confessedly 
of a limited character. He dedaxed, however, that it would be a mockery to 
contend that the measure was payment in full of the educational debt due to 
Ireland. But the Government's business was now to take instruction from 
others. Amendments being withdrawn, the Bill was read a Second Time. 



We went into Supply, and Mb. Atbtoit was a good 
deal catechised. He gave satisfactory answers, and 
mentioned, inter alia, that the Works were restoring the 
' Monument to Enra Johk. in Woreester OathedraL No 
Hebrew Member had the had taste to object, or to show 
his teeth at the mention of the monarch whose odonto- 
logical operations on the JewscBB^torioally interesting. 
Aldbbicah Luse objected to payment for an unfinished 
picture, thei " Judgment of Daniel,** but Mb. Atbtok 
explained that it could not yet be completed because it 
had given sign of " swelling," and this probably satisfied 
the worthy Alderman, who may have supposed that the 
picture was getting bigger, and therefore: more valuable. 

It is still perfectly unoBstain whether ihe Houses of 
Parliament will fall to ixuseea, or not Mb.> Axbxok said 
that we, or posterity, must wait and see. 

That xmluoky monument in St Paul'ato thfrD^ZE of 
WxLLiNGTON camc up again. The souljpte has been 
painfully afflicted, so no more can be said. Bnt Mb. 
GoLDKET was right in remarking tiiat at pvennt all 
that can be seen is a sort of dilapidated ofa^^ and 
something like a chtmney-iaeoe. But Ae uake can 
afford, better than most great meiit to wait ioar '*«toried 
urn and animated bust.'' ^ 

Tuesday.^The Oommons did>cninianial tiixng. Mb* 
AuBSROir Hbbbbbt wanted to introduce a Bill Smiting 
•ertain oompensatiaBS to Univmity'EellowB. TheTHouse 
would not even let him bring it in. 

Then we had a most ''lesnied" ddbateim Ctontral 
Aflia, cndffinated by Mb. Eastwioe, who lahonxed under 
the disaiafantage of knowing all^sibout hiambject, and 
therefore could not be pmdoxittaliaiid amnring. It is to 
be regrattod that dull topics aie tahsn up by well- 
informed men, who are too-maeh in-amnst to he enter- 
taining. Howeisr, we haom not :Tfry(often to make this 
complaint. A joeeae Membaria a tweet boon, though 

'* Eternal smilM hii'VDptiiiCis betray. 
As ■hallow streaau run dimpling all the way.'* 

Vb. G^KAirr Duff was sarcastic on certain Bussians 
who dream of fighting England on the banks of the 
Indus. There was no more cause for alarm now than 
there was four TMn ago. He would watch Russia, but 
remember the Spanish proverb—'* Let him attack who 
will, the strong nian wins." Mb. Glajmtoitb expressly 
declared that we had. bound ourselves te nothing except 
to use " moral force" with the Amxbb of AFGHAinHiAK. 
Nobody suppoe^ that a virtuous nation like Sndbnd 
will ever use immoral force, but, to adapt SHr Menry 
Wildair^s hint, the strictest morality will permit ua at 
need to use a sword of gold. 

Wednefdayr^lt f eenis that J/egislation is necessary to 
enablepnvate persons to endow Canonries. Mb. Bebbs- 
FOBD Blofi kinaly remedies tiie oaae. We own that we 
ahould think a good many times before we-andowed one, 
and then that we ahould not do it, any more than we 
should ' 

« Endow a college— —ivr a oat" 

But it is wrong that .a benevolent wish should be hin- 
dered of accomplishment ** Heaven save the founda- 
tion" that has enabled authority to promote Chabum 
EiNGSLET to a Ganonry at Westminster; and long may 
he eigoy his well-earned repose 

'< In those deep soUtades and awAd osUs 
'Where eaeh aooomptftloMat vithiSTAmoT dwells." 

A Locomotives on Roads Regulation Bill was pro- 
tested against by the Home Ssgbstabt, and withdrawn. 
Mb. Gbegoby justly declared such enffines to be in- 
truders, and to need restriction. But what 's the use of 
talking P Look at those detestable Tramways that make 
a carnage drive into a suburb a 4wrvice of actual danger. 
Look at the Railway Vans that cmsh everything but one 
another. Who thinks of penons who only desire to be 
allowed to traverse London unharmed? Everything is 
sacrificed to commerdai greed. 

Thursday, — JjoiOi Selboske has ^t his Judicature 
Bill bade again from the dutches of the Select Com- 
mittee. There is a chance for it yet if Members of the 
House of Commons will make up their minds to leave 
the discussion of such a measure to those who have 
mastered the questions at issue. Let 's have no Punchy 
and Judi-cature contentions. I 

Mb. Gladstone was again questioned about the CarlistL 
subscriptions. He somewhat qualified what he had 



May 3, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



181 



before iaid about the perfect legality of these eontributioBSi and ' 
he emphatic ally con damned the raising money for Chakles th:b: i 
Setenth* Let lu leave the 8puaiardB to knock one another abmitl 
aa they ptosse, and to axug, if they choote^ with &i& WiXXXE, 
**■ Jheiime ib&il ttme Totiiid 

Whea, fold Lords, Duku^ imd lAidi^ 
The kud trumpete thull iouaid— 

' Hete'i a hfenlth to Kjps» CaAaLM! * " 

It WES then prvpond to go oa with the Budf ttt ^^^ the tint 
giievance was that of the Brewers. After defeats Mb* GtAi>&TOHS 
said somethinR' which the chief malcontent liberally in.teTpreted into 
a promise to deal with the Brewert' licence question yerr «oog* Mb. 
Gladstone replied with a neat shake of tho head, wnieb meant 
that he taire no snoh promise. We discnssed the Budget at jrreat 
leng'thi but there wirre no divisions. Me.^ Lowk r^st^mbles Midaa 
in one particular onLy- EverjthiDg he totiebea (t^xc^pt matches) 
he turns into gold. But he certainlj haa not the eois of which 
ToMUr MooEE wrots bo clcTerly :— 



^^ fiot ^<in» em th* m^em judfi 
' Wsa 1i« ■orteBce kuBcW froia A^Ua*i thnm^v 

For to MidiA vme pv^n the ears «f aa bjk, 
T\'lille M — ML — ¥ was doomed to keep hk own/' 

Fr%daf/.— TesU HLBMAUUxnB of Laitbijowk^, we'hava aattnible 
Breach- i^roadinf bif gttna aa any naticm in. the worH^ or a little 
temhkr. 



Some fools in Nottingham Btuek up a Republican placard* The 
Chief Constable of the County^ hap peuing to see it^ inatinotively poked 
hia atidt throufh it a.nd destroyed it. 'Tia a sig^n of the times that 
a fiotleman in the HooBe of Commons could complain of thi^^ and 
A wofiB sifii that Mjl. Bmtcb^ ELee MAJSiJ^rr's Home Secretary, 
could stand up and condemn the Constable^s coarae. In this dis- 
play of pedantic tiinidity. Me* Beucr showed that he bad forgrotten, 
if he ever knew, the rdo of law» that every man becomes a Constable 
when he see« an offeno* eommitted^ Iltiwever, the lof ai offioer is 
not to be disBiiABed this time^ a publio reprimand for being 
icioensed at an issnlt to hiaUaeen being hold suf^eient by Hak 
Majesty's GoTemment- 

Att^ntion was calLed to the ease of an IrlBh Editor who has been 
imprisoned for cmtempt of Court* The incident wa^ interesting^ 
only aji showing how ntterly impossible it b U get truth in an Irbh 
case. Sift JoH3r Geat, a man oi bononjp, had been informed by 
those who had asked htm to eomplaia^ that the prisoner wat con- 
^ned in a room without a fire^ This would haTC mado out a cruelty. 
** It ia trne/* said Lord HiM-DroTON, '' low th^ cell ia warmed wifli 
hot-water pipes/* Ninety-nine Oiriah griiTancc^ are of this kind* 

Sapply again* but nothing amusing. A MiriisterJal speaker men- 
tioned, at mattw of congratulation, that there w*re a third iVwer 
vagranta in tha Metropolitan Wards than this time last year. This 
is rather a naHPOw way of looking at the matter— the vagrants 
must be somewbero, and the National Bat^payar mnit he charged 
to *' c omprohaiMl a 1 1 yagrom men/' 






PUNGH^S FOLK-LORE. 

XAX*DAT» 

Ldol nuoqr owe of the 
gnat aaauTenarieB in onr 
modem year— Lady-Day, 
Lord Mayor's Day, Miohael- 
nias-DayfMidsammer-Day, 
&c.— Mav-Day, the darling 
theme of eyery poet from 

CUALCEE to &0WEE, ths 

fayimrite subject for the 
paiater's piertoil, the aool^- 
tor's cbistl. and the israsi- 
oiai/ ^ ^and piano,exerttifle8 
a mysterious iniluenoe oyer 
eyenta and oiroamstanoei 
subsequent to it in time 
and date, aocording to the 
day of the week on which 
it falls. If the Firat of 
May falls on a Sunday, 
there^ will be more mar- 
riagea ia the enaoing year 
between ba^d^lofs and 
spinsters than between 
svinsten and widowers ; 
if it happens on a Monday, 
the hena wiU lay throng 
the summer ; if it ooonrs oa 
a Tuesday, the silkworms 
should be looked to ; if it takes plaoe on a Wednesday, the blai&- 
thom will be in flower before the white-thorn ; if, as this year, it 
reonrs on Thursday, heavy rain may be expected aft^ sunset ; u it 
has the ill-luok* to be oontemporary with a Friday, all the goslings 
will not grow up to be geese; and if Saturday is May-Day. seareh 
should be made for a purse of money in growing grass, bexore the 
ash is in full leaf. 

Provided the weather is genial, and there is no snow lying on the 
groundt and the wind is not in tne East and overeeata and sealskin 
jaoketaoan b» safely left in theur reapeotive wardrobes, and the last 
cold in the head has taken its farewell flight, the annual return of 
the month of Mmt, with all ita assooiatbna and Meetings, awakeaa 
reoollections of home and youth and days gone by, of country 
rambles and fresh-laid egn and new-made butter, in the bosom of 
the most hardened political eoonomist, in the bresst of the most cal- 
culating statist, and in the heart of the most impassive woman of 
the world. To listen to the song of the thrush, the nightingale, the 
wmeek, the gioabeak, the hedge-warbkr, and all the other pnnd- 
palpetfonneraia the feathered orchestra; to gather the daisy, the 
daffodilt the leaser oelaadine, the polyanthna, and the periwinkle, 
in «* the flowery meads of May:" to watch the harmless gambols of 
the sguirreU the erioket, the field-mouse^ and the grasshopper ; and 
to saUy fortlu with the first beams of the risiag sun on May-Day 
morning, with the avowed object of washing the bboe in dew, and 
returning home, heavilv laden with odorous branches of perfumed 
blossom, to a comfortable home and nice breakf est— these, next to a 




an unexx>eoted legacy, are anafsltka p i uM i i ytsdsnres 
that fall to the lot of those who are not inansiMe to tbe ekams of 
nature, and the solid advantages of a landau estttha ki th* Jfifland 
Counties. 

Much mi^ht be written about the May-pels aaA ita wwy ^adear- 
ing associations, but, as Parliament is sittmg^ we have only room to 
enunciate one or two of ita leading featuias. The last Census 
showed that May-poles were stiU to be found lingsnng in thirteen 
of the flfty-two counties into which Englsadaad Wales axasaapped 
out, resembling, in this paxtiadbvf the nebdomadal divisions of the 
year. But Innnmphie retsnui wen received from Dunstable, 
HeMba, Ifite End, MaedesMd, Nantwioh, West Drayton, Wigan, 
aadtiie Isle of Wight. 

The descendants of the last surviving citizen and cordwainer, 
who remembered looking out of his onel window, and seeing the 
Corporation of London dancing to the music of tabor and pipe and 
the merry clash of the parish bells, round the May-pole which for- 
merly reared its lofty head ("hij^h as the mast of some tall 
ammiral ") on the verdant sward oxCornhill, are still to bd found 
pursuing their usoid avocations ; and tradition to this day (April 
26th} fondly clings to the memory of that buoyant, light-hearted 
Under-sheriff, who specdally dJstingnished himself by the way in 
which he executed a galliard on the steps of the old Royal Exchange, 
before business hours, " in the merry month of May " (Ssakspsarb 
or BAJtmrxBLD), loag^ lonjragOk 

Much, too, might be said of Chimney flw e e| » and MiflEmaidB, and 
their participation in the mirth and ■uniment of May Day ; of 
QjTHKS EuzABBars going a-Maying-with Baook and BuKLEies ; of 
the Oxford ChoriakarSv wno ascend the f ais tower of Magdalen at 
sunrise to* sing their May-mom oarol; of the- arrival of the Ma]/" 
flower on the shoves of New England; and of Mav'Moona, May 
Marria^ss, May meetinga, and May cleaainga (*'For those omL 
Mays had thrice the lift of thesew''--TKBnnr80ir.) But the fullest 
deteili on all such tovnos may be found ia tha papers and traMae-* 
tiona of those Sootetiea (see« espeeially, the years 1811. 1826, 
1834r-5-6— 7, and 1861, and tne Supplsment aod Appendix) which 
,ea8t the aegis of tiieir protection over the manners aad customs of a 
time growing every day- more aad mere remote from our own 
bustling age, and deabned, perhaps before the next deoeanial 
Census, to fsde away altogether int<» tha vkta of the illimitahli» 
past. 

Boon to Boniflace^ 

The recruits of tiie Isi Surrey Militia were^ last year, instead of 
being billeted in publio4ioases,jDlaeed und^T'OSflivass in the barraek- 
yard by way of experiment This experiment was found to answer 
so well that it hss been reneated this year, and the men are now 
encamped at Biehmcmd. The Bbep of lodgag Militiamea in teats, 
if again suc ce s sfu l, will perhaps he adopted as a peraumeiit and not 
a merely tentative arrangement. 

A Vast Bomain. 

A FRIEND and Total Abstainer, who has hitherto been a great ad- 
mirer of MiLiozr, feeli Ids faith in that poet somewhat shaken, on 
finding that he refers to the *' Empire of Negus," without one single 
word of disapproval. 



le 



183 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Mat 8, 1878. 




* How Tall otjb Shadows abi^ Clauds I " 



A COUSINLY HINT. 

" Yb«, arbn*t thbt ? •• ** Tall ENOuop Yon us to bb Mabbixd, / thqtk ! ' 



8UFFEKEE8 AND SIGHT-SEERS. 

WoBXHT Mb, Pufch^ i. 

'*SPBiNa^ S^ing, M-entle SpringI" I hear a oheerfol 
butober-boT chirping at my aoontep, while I am seated shiyering 
over a winter's fire, and watohing the hail pattering on tiie passing 
umbrellas. The little warbler seems to me a trifle premature in the 
selection of his song : still I cannot help remembering that May-Day 
is at hand, and the R.A«'s are prepared to exhibit their B-riay. 

Soringing thus from one of the Fine Arts to another— from 
Orpheus to Apelles, if I may air my dassics— perhaps I maj be 
suffered to jump to the conclusion that the Show this year will be 
as popular as ever, and that the people who attend it will be as 

nhing and unpleasant and&pertment as eyer. Hmc ilia laerymm. 
^ean, here is the reason d my crying for yeur aid to relton the 
ill-behayiour of the piotuee->seeing world. 

If I may trust my memory of the miseries I haye suffered in my 
study of the Arts, there are at least ten distinct elsssos of obnoxious 
persons, who haye disturbed my oomf ort, if not trodden on my 
toes: — 

1. There are the oiyil people, who, when you are standing at just 
the proper distance to appreciate a picture, coolly plant themselyes 
in front of you, and then back you from your place. 

2. There are the pleasant people, who, by force of wdght and 
muscle, calmly shoulder you aside, and turn a deaf ear to remon- 
stranoe if you think fit to giye it yent. 

3. There are the fashionable people, who come in all their finery, 
and cause you ceaseless fear of bdng tripped up by their trains. 

d. There are the stingy people, who wiU not buy a Catalogue, and 
continually plague you h^ peering into yours. 

5. There are the snobbish people, who affect to claim acguaintance 
with half the lords and ladies whose portraits are exhibited, ind 
audibly proclaim their satis f aetian with the likeness, or complain 
that ** her dear Ladyship " has been *' anything but flattered^' by 
the artist of the work. 

6. There are the wall-eyed people, who stick their noses to each 
picture, as thoufrh they wished to smell it, and thus totally eclipse 
It from eyerybody else. 



7. There are the stupid people, who get puzzled by the Oatalogne* 
and read out wrong descriptions loudly to enli^ten their deaf 
aunts. . 

8. There are the ynlgar people, who, when a crowd is round a 
picture, tell their cronies, blatantly, ** Ah, it ain't so good as mine ! " 
or else, *' I gaye fiye 'und*erd pound for it, and wouldn't take a 
thou." 

9. There are the deyer people, who make unkind comparisons 
of dead with liying painters, and tempt you to belieye that there is 
nothing now worth looking at in all the range of modem Art. 

10. And there are the gushing people (young ladies chiefly these), 
who go into small raptures a;fc eyery oth^r seocnid, and scream ** How 
sweetly prettjr I " or, " 0, isa't that too charming I '' when they see 
a scrap of miUinery or a sentimental face. 

If you could bind these harmful people not to break the peace of 
harmless people like myself, you would deserye to haye your portrait 
painted for posterity by the first of liyiny artists (you xnow whom 
1 mean), and would earn the lasting gratitude of yours truly, 

Ibacubdus. 

P.S.— As there are days reseryed for Students at certain of our 
Galleries, might there not be days reseryed for Snobs at the Show of 
the R A. ? 

PPS.— The charge on these days should be raised from a shilling 
to a soyereign. 



Woolwioh Nursery News. 

MoBB Woolwich Infants, yet unborn, are thought of. It is pro- 
posed te construct, within the next year, no less than twen^ of .mese 
little stranffers. They are to weigh thirty-fiye tons each, a nd carry a 
seyen hundred pound bolt propelled by a charge of one hundred and 
thirty pounds of pebble powder, necessitating a cartridge of two 
feet six inches long. There are reasons which haye determined the 
choice of that sort of gunpowder for the Woolwich Infants ; and it 
is certainly more>uitable than yiolet powder would be to those iron 
babies. 






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Mat 3, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



186 



OURSELVES AND OTHERS. 




VOR might V6 to thank goodiMi that wo tre 
not •• foreignon are, nor OYsa -mm theie G«r- 



*<Bbbb Biots nr Basbt. — A saiioui riot iuut 
broken out in M>nTih«iin, in the Grand DuohT oi 
Baden, ariiing from an inereaie in the price of Seer. 
A crowd, numberinf about 6000 people, attacked and 
deitrojed to their foondationi three great brewerie% 
and it waa neoeaaary to call in the troops before order waa re)«4atabllifa0d." 

So much from the Po«e. What an admirable eomtratt to the frantio deftrao- 
tiyeness of those rampant Mannhetmers, infuriated hy a mere riae in the prioe 



bv the pfttienee and resign a tion 
i^lTea hft?e displayed auder an 



oi beeri is presented h] 
whicii we our noble mlT@s . , 

abiolnte prohibition of beer oa Sunday afternoons ; and* 
not on\f tbat» btit dnrioi: an enorraona inereAso in both 
the prioe of tbe meat, wbicsb used to be the Engliahman'a 
food, and that of tbe fuel wbioh seryed to cook it^ and 
TiiiintatB the warmth necosiary to hia life. No inereaie 
of the death-rate in Mannheim attended the dearth of 
beef p as amonifst onfielves it haa that of meat and ooaLa. 
Tet where atood the butcher's shop, which a Britbb mab 
has razedjOr the plant of a ooal-owner, which a popdao© 
of Britoms has demoliuhed ? Moreover, hate not tb© 
Polios Stationa« the head -quarters of the Foroe, inolu- 
eive of spi^ and infomi^rpi iiifitrumantal to Sabbatarian 
lefiatation in debarrinf a Briton of his beer^ been 
florspnlotiBlx res pea ted by a kw- a biding multitude, that 
does not even throw stones and break windows ? The 
popular BritUb Li.'>n may roar in Hyde Park or Trafal.itar 
feqnar©! hut does only when be ta poked up by agitators, 
and eves then (except but onoo, when be pushed ralb 
down) Mb part, Uke that which BM/ Boitotn wanted 
to piay^ ifl y nothing but roaring.** Onfy oertain per^us, 
particnlarly prig& and eit&rtioncra, mifht aa well eon- 
^lider whether it may not b© poasiblid to exhaust the noble 
aniToaUa patienct?, and provoke bioif an«of the«e da; a, 
to a decree of iuf y that he idll *' tear the cat in* and 
make mi apHl/' 



Protoplasm and Fat^. 

Thiee is a freat ohaam 

'Twixt live and dead matter : 
What means Frotoplaam, 

Tbe former or latter Y 
That gap it oan fill 

Not np if 'tie either j 
Nor yet» being nii 

Material, if iteither. 



A EE4Vr TEIAL, 



0BOAJTiir<i boneath the weight of the pM>d thingi 
placed upon it, b, clearly, not one of the Pleasnres of 
the Table. 



TBOM THE SEA. 

(A HoUiay Ntitrfnm yamtoum Tommy Tomi&L) 

I JSATS made, I am afraid, enemieB for. life of sereral kindly 
diapoeed fiiendfy hv indaoing them to oome down andspend a few 
dajiinthiaivtireaflpot It i« called littlehampton. WAOoeame: 




where I am. 

Ebolxhdbs ran down here, and hnraght a portmanteau : it hjg 
one. He impaired it at night, uid apent the following day in 
repacking it. Yet I am happy and oontented. 

EiTGiAMOBi expreaeed himaelf in his nsnal f eMtont way, thuB :— 

^*'So^ aaidhe, **I'mfond of Sammy Shrimp and Peter Prawn; 
alio I like seeing something of Billy Beaoh. But I do miss Colonel 
Company. Daniel I>onk6y and Gregonr Qoatchaise on the Green is 
not quite good enough for your little lorcaaicosB ; and my name is 
not fitde Dicky DuU." 

So he went off, and ieftrme like Ai.BXorBBB thb Gbxat Sklxibe, 
monarch of as much as I can see about me within certain limits. 

Solitude, where are thy charms P Why. here. By the sad sea 
wave, where I now sit down and pen the following little 'Oliday 
Ode:— 

SONa OF XHB .MiLXrABY. 

If for a place in qittti aione, 

Whose face is Quiet stampt on. 
Then quit the Busy Brighthdmstone, 
And seek a shore mit little known. 

And rest at littlehampton. 

Here you can pace the glisf ning sand. 
Which hoots will soon be dampt on, 
For miles you ^11 walk with hook in hand, 
By^gentle Southern breezes fanned, 
at blow on littlehampton. 



Then on the green you'll rest your eye, 
Which bits faaye oft been ohampt on. 
And hare some humUe friends you 'U spy^ 
AjHMit, tl^eedottkevB, and afly^ 
Oontent with litUahampton. 

If theoloffio^lly ioolined 

To study lectures Bampton, 
There 's not another place you 11 find 
So suited to this frame of mind 

Aa sober littlehampton. 

On terrace, Ut by moonbeams pure,— 

The terrace I am campt on~ 
Walln the Policeman ; hut I'm sure 
His office is a sineenre 

In steady Littldiampton. 

Here vndistiirbed ean Artists paint. 

On canvass Barer scampt on. 
Without a crowd of rostios quaint. 
To argue " what it be " or ** bain't," 

We^re none at littiekampton. 

Drive to the Dueal Park— 'tis near, 
The grass ^oa may get cnmpt on ; 

Them ar^fying rodu you '11 hear. 

And see in herds the soelal deer, 
Pive miles from Tattlshampton. 

0, had I Tabal's Lyre famed. 
Which many tunes were vampt on, 

I do not tliink I should be blamed 

If,- musioally, I exolaimad, 
** Hooray for Litaehampt<m I " 



Digitized by \ 
Gbbat " CoKGBEss OP Yimmi.."— May 



GooqIc 

iyl«t,1873.0 




NICE DISTINCTION. 

Lady, •'Toionr Smith, what ib meant by 'Sending Rain upon the Just and upon the Unjust !•' 
T(nnmy Smith (promptly), " Sending it to Wet Good Bots and Naughty Gibls." 



COLD WORK. 

In the International Exhibition may be seen **The Domestic 
Freezer." To many yisitors this will be no novelty, the Domestic 
Freezer being rather too well known in the domestic circle. Some- 
times it is the Head of the Famil]^ who operates as a Domestic 
Freezer, when the business transactions of the day have not be^ 
altogether satisfactory, or dinner is late, or Axtnt Sabah has written 
to say tliat she hopes to be with them on the 16ih, to stay a month 
or six weeks. Sometimes it is Mamma who is the cause of every- 
body feeling chilly and uncomfortable— pnt out because the servants 
have given warning, or the dressmaker nas spoiled her new silk| or 
that projected visit to Bathinghampton is likuy to come to nothing. 
A daughter of the house has been known to perform the part of 
Domestic Freezer, and generally in such instances a gentleman is in 
the oase—FBEDXBiCK has omitted to write, or failed to come, or his 
marked attentions to Emilt are not rejruded with enthusiasm by 
Emilt's parents. But more frequentiy it is the piesence of a son in 
the family circle which acts as a Domestic Freezer— when he has 
exceeded Lis allowance, or is keeping late hours, or finds the billiard- 
room more attractive than the counting-house. 

The bore who takes a liberal advantage of his general invitation ; 
the mother of Mamma after she has had a difference with nurse on 
the subject of the management of infants ; the enfant terrible of the 
family with his inopportune remarks before strangers; and the 
unsopmsticated relative who wiU refer to passages in the early 
career of Cousin Robert, which he would prefer to have forgotten 
—all these Domestic Freezers are additionid proofs, if any were 
wantinff, that it is an everyday institution amongst us, and that 
we need not go so far from home as the International to &id it. 



The Bight Kaa in the Bight Place. 
Genisal Contbbeas has been nominated to the command of the 
army of Madrid. Quite right. If any rule is Vikelj^ to suit Spain, 
now that everything there is turned upside down, it is *' the rule 
of Contraries." 



CONFISCATION AND CONSCIENCE. 

The deputation of one hundred gentlemen from the National Anti- 
Income Tax League, who waited on Ms. Gladstone and the Chak- 
CELLOB OF THE EXCHEQUER tiic Other day, to urge the abolition of that 
popular impost against which they, on behau of the discontented 
mmority, who feel it, are buided, were of course *'fubbed off," as 
Mrs, Quicklu says, with the usual courteous and evasive answer. 
Neither the Peemiee nor Me. Lowe as yet sees his way to the pos- 
sibility of doin^ without that valuable piece of class taxation. 
Periiaps LoBD Noethbbooe could show them. He has discovered 
it in India, and they also, if BngUshmen were as Indians, would 
too soon find it out here. You may take it as an axiom in fiscal Cor 
confiscal) science, that an exaction should, and must, and can, be 
abandoned as soon as its collection ceases to be possible. One would 
like to know how many Baboos have enriched the Indian Exchequer 
witii " conscience-money " P 



Mosio and ICaionry. 

Thebes' walls, through music's power alone, 

Were built by famed Amphioo. 
Whose plastic harp could channel stone 

Like corrugated iron. 
And yet a wag, in whom to pun 

The tendency was rooted, 
Said, what, perhaps, he meant for fun; 

Their pillars all were fluted. 



Nature and Art. 



What are the * * pictorial trees " which we see annonnoed as about 
to be exhibited in the Horticultural Gardens at Kensington F What, 
branch of Art do they represent? Arelihey' 
beautiful woodcuts ? Digit 



jrdens at Kensington F What^ 
) Uiey trees hung round with! r> 
Digitized by VJ^^^^V IjlL 



Mat U, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL 



187 




SENSE AND SENSIBILITY. 

" YOTT 'TE BBAEIi about THE POOR DEAR DUCHE^ ? U^*T IT TOO Awf UL ? ' 

" It la, htdeed I Bed tou haffen to Know her GKAeEf " 

"^ELI^EE^KOI" 

" ^fl'o MORE DID II HAPry TROUdHT— Let tjs trt Ainj bear itp! " 



THE LOED MA.TOE IN MOTLEY, 

{By an eldffrlsrAld&rtnan.) 

MimcaANT-PRiKCEs, and nrngnateB of trading, 

In ooitumes making merry I 
. MatiioipEd masquerading I 

Quefltionable» very I 
Our Aidermftn^B colkri of E^&ei, 

Tnrcied HOTBe-o&Uara, through Bow-bfill-dom I 
. Mr. Mat^b atoofc of fancy dremeu 

On the backs of OLyiQ swalldom I 
. Lord of Misrule and the EevBla — 

Qn^ht a Lord Mayor to he it ? 
« 1m ^iM keying fiilk$ to their levek F 

SomehoWk I don't fieam to eae it* 

I 've been in the habit of f e«ling 
A great respect for Guy'». 

With the Hospital I Ve uad d^aHng, 
Which itj the BoroTij^h Hea, 

Then» on th« fifth i>f November, 
Gay 8 I hold an inBtitution : 

Tbey^re as cJd as I can remember- 
To stop *em were revolution. 

But Guy a in the Corporation, 
And the Loan Ma tor at the bead of tbem 1 

Seems like trains nuining out of their statior, 
And into the train ahead of them. 

Twenty jesters at once reads funny \ 

But th€«y don't seem in place at Guildhall, 

I can eeo mountebanking for monfty, 
At the West End Egyptian HalL 



Where of bronithaiiui so long the rank was 

To A. Smith's Mont Blanc crowding hotly ; 
But hU mountain less of a blank was, 

Than tliose twenty mugs in motley. 
Onoe, callings used to b« teMers 

Of what thoM'iElio iMld them were best m^ 
* But yon 'd soasM^a^ thttse Maaaion-Hoiue jesters 

Had serred their lime to jesting I 

I OLE Bee 7ny Lo£j> Matob presidiBg 

At Courts and Commisaionj of ^orea, 
But not| like a play actor, striding 

About, dressed as Louis Qcaiohzb. 
That Kin ST waj no lish out of wat«r. 

He didu- 1 look Amall— but big ; 
To Ms Fkur-de-Lm mantle no martyr, 

At home in his tuU-bottomed wig. 
" VSiat c'iist Mm^^ said that sovereign, 

Wbicb, for Loms Qdatorke^ was true ; 
But, in such a gilt-gingerbread oov^bg, 

**Xrt CW,"— my Lord— ain*t yot4, 

I like to see things in their plaoes, 

For then they don't cross and hurtle : 
I Hke Aldermen saying §: races 

For lots of green fat in their tnrtle ; 
To see 'em ttandiDg up, manfnii 

For City rights and charters ; 
For these, e'er the eoala, by the panful, 

O&me to be hauled, like martyrs : 
To hear *em each other schooling 

In a Corporation qnsj-rel ; — 
But I don't like to see 'em tom-fooHngp 

In other folks^ appareL 

Imapeod my ideal Lord Mayor, 

In my family I instil it- 
Bow down to the Giyio ohair— 

WithtsoBUfthing solid to fill it 
But Lord Mayors luKfe no call to be funny, 

Or learned, or wise, or witty— 
Though in course they should have money. 

Ana position in ^e City : 
Should DO up to entertaining— 

2%« chapter in Civic story I— 
And subscribing, and sustaining 

The City honour and glory. 

Minor Mayors may inyite— though a labour it is— 

And noblemen, tUy V« our betters ; 
But as for dining celebrities 

In soieinces, aits, and letters,— 
All such new-fangled notions 

My ideal Lord Mayor mnBt drop, 
To MaiBmon confine his deyotions. 

In other words, Mind the Shop. 
And as for BUMiquinjg and mumming — 

If coU>len thoula stick to their last,— 
They Biay suit the ^iieer Time coining. 

They don't salt the eood Time past! 



Chemistry of 0<miiiio& Life. 

Lady Cwiwnar {to 'DrugaUO. Will you let me haye 
a pint bottle of Chloroform ? ^ « ^.«,, ^ 

DruagUt {amazed). PintbotUe-lTm? Of Chloroform, 
M'mP May I be allowed to ask for what purpose ? 

Lady. A ^sinf ectant. . « , 

Druggist {aghast). Disinfectant, M'm! Surely you 
cannot be aware, M'm, "^e use of such a quantity 
would cause paralysis. There Biust be some mistake, 
M'm, in naming Cmoroiform. Aillow me to suggest Eau 
de Cologne, 

Bystander. Perhaps the lady means Chloride of Lime. 



Politics and Praotice. 



Thx Morning Advertiser ammadyerts on the fact that 
a contemporary labours to make out that the Qoyem- 
ment haye come up '* fresh" after ,their recent down- 
fall. In the interests of the public-house, that might be 
good news ; but it would by no means follow because 
Ministers themselyes got fresh, that they would, not 
propose meaeures t^jpjffi^^ ^ei people from getting 
tight 



U8 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Uly 8. 1878. 




^?-C<%^ 



CULTURE. 



Fare {furious at being overcharged\ ** T insist on Seeing touk Book op Fabrb ! " 

Cabby, •* I SHOULD bb most *jLppy to Peedooce it, Sir, but unfortunately I left it on the Plano-Forte in mt Drawbup- 
ROOM, Sir!!*' 



PERPETUAL SPUING. 

" SPRim ! Spring ! Gentle Spring J *» 

Yerv ffood song onoe to hear ; 
Not all day to haye it ring, 

Ornn-gronnd, upon your ear. 
That^B too mnoh of an encore ; 

So the son^ beoomea a bore. 
Grinning Child of sunny skies,^ 

Who art want the streets to roam, 
With uie sparkling teeth and eyee, 

Andjthe hair. that knows no comb, 
" Sfrwg J Spring I Gentle Spring I " 
: Thou that, in eaSoh nnwashedTear, 
W^arest a metallic ring, 

Yarlet, come not playing here ! 

•* Spring! Spring ! Gentle Spring / " 

(jten and mustard time to sow ; 
And thy collar is a thing 

Whereupon the seed would grow. 
Henoe, ere Bobby's glove it soil ! 

I shall call him if thou stav. 
Turn thine hand to ua^ol tou ; 

Grimy Foreigner, away ! 
Greasy Creature, go along ; 

Grinder of the hackneyed song I 
•* Sprinq ! Spring ! Gentle Spring ! " 

Played for more than half a year, 
Like the frosts in May that sting, 

Now hath gotten too severe. 



PnapiTAaBS in their Place.— Ambassadors from Japan at a 
PuliahBalL 



" NOW Ifi PUNCH A CHILD OF CONSCIENCE." ' 

Merry Wvoee of Windsor. 

Mb. Punch raesents hu best.oompUmants to Mb. W. S. Gilbebt, 
the auUior of Tygmdlion and other delightful plays# The former 

gentleman last .week in^rted in his immortal page a poem« of which 
is opinion. was therefore, of course, immeasurably high. It begina, 
'* Sing fer the garish eye,^ This composition he had supposed t* 
be new, and the work of the valued contributor who fonwded it 
to him. It seems that aUquando honus^ etc. The oontributor en- 
closed it with some, other papers, and in the acoompanringi note 
expresdy mentioned that it had' been oe^ed froni a tferap^bdoKJ and 
was remitted only for Mr. Punch's private dive^n. This notifica- 
tion is now before Mr, Punchy but had previously escaped his vigi- 
lance. The East wind must have got into his eyes. The verses (with 
some slight variations) are by Mb. Gilbebt, and appeared elseiHiere 
ten years ago. Mr. Punch nad never seen them, or must have re- 
membered skythiiMT so excellent.' He is the soul of frankness, 
honour, and good humour, and he hastens to say *' Blunderavi** ; 
yet can hardly regret having thus introduced Mb. Gilbebi*8 poem 
to a delighted universe. 



Oity Mftgnataa. 

Webb Gog and Magog at the Lobd Mayob*8 fancy dress ball ? 
They ought to have been among the most honoured guests. Was 
Sib Eichabd Whtthnoton present with his immortal cat ? Did 
KiifB Lud gaze with astonishment on the dazzling spectacle— fancy 
dress balls not having come into fashion i& his time ? Did Wat 
Tyleb and Sib William Walwobth meet fgain in happier oiroam- 
stancesF If any of these emineat civic eq^iraeters were absentees 
from the Mansion House, we hope Ihey sent vaBd excuses. 



New SuNe fob Champagne.— Collier's Popt 



T. 



Piltttoi »f JoM»k emtk. ttf No. M. Voltei4 SfaM«/B tM FMIdi of Sk JftVM. aurlmw«a. IB tte Oowi T of MlMlMn, at tM f^^ 

8ftMt,la U« FiMlaet of Wkltaftten, la tM Atg vf uo a 4oB,«Bd rabUthol bf few^Mifo. M. Fh olSlNot, la tte FtfliB of uTftUo, 



_ ot MMm. Bmttvy, AfMV, a aa»Li 
Oisr of Iioa«oa.-4l4»«B»AT, lUj t, an. 



Mat 10, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



189 




-;^r^^"' 



A SUMPTUARY MATTER. 

Smart VokwUer Captain. ''I TflovoHT I Told tou, Priyatb Fiaanra, on ht last Parade, to have touk Haib out Shobtsr 

BEBIMD ! *' 

PriaaU Piggins {taking U off with mu hand, amd Ma Shako with the othnr). ''You did, Sib, but Cut rr to toxtb owk Liking, 

Sib!!" 



BORN 179S. DIBD AT GHSLTBNHAM, APRIL S7, 1873. 

I8 this the Actor's daath P Whea into dark 
Sinks the last qwrk of a slow-waning light. 

Only the bedside watohen miss the spark 
That qniTered tremnloosly on the n^t. 

The Actor's death is when he qaits the Stage, 
Whence he controlled the beat of many hearts. 

Peeling and making feel more love and rage 
Than falls to those who fill more work-day parti. 

Short life, perhaps, and shadowy— bnt snblime, 
In those rare moments ; when, for joy or pain. 

Actors and andienoes* hearts keep time 
To mnaic from some mighty master's brain. 

A phantom being: bnt who dares to say 
Oor.snbstance than their shadows is more tme, 

Their lampless night less bright than common day. 
Who liye, awhfU, the life that Shaxspeabs drew. 

Kacbeady dead ! 'Twill point a paragraph. 
Inspire a oolomn— leave some aching hearts ; 

Bat not an instant checks the light world's langh. 
As when an Actor from our stage departs. 

He left Aw, many and many a year gone by ; 

And I who write mnst track* with backward thooght. 
Up to my yonth, for the bright memory 

Of all Macbeadt acted, was, and tanght 

He lived the life 'tis fitting they should live 
^Who oommnne with ideal thoughts and things. 



To all he wrought his best brain loved to give, 
Was oold to Fashion's smiles, stout 'gainst her stings. 

Of high aim in his art, whoso dared preach 
Hi^ art was folly, fool wonld bluntly call : 

Still in his craft dared wider range and reach. 
Until he stood it chief— confessed by alL 

He was content to shine, and store the gain. 
With which success tempts men on downward ways. 

But strove to make the theatre a fane 
For noble art, e*en in ignoble days. 

We were boys then, and, with young hearts aglow. 
Followed his hand, that bravely led along 

Through Pro9pero*$ glamour, Loar's colossal woe, 
Hamie^s brain-sickness, and OtheUo's wrong. 

Answered like Englidb, English Habrt's call 
Once more to Harfleur*s walls ; and for the stour 

Of battle mustered round him one and all. 
On the unequal field of Azincour. 

Ah, those were brave times, when each season brought 
Its stately tribute of good work, well done ; 

And kindred spirits at ms biddinsr wrought. 
To help the progress he had well begnn. 

What if no harvest, whose ears men can weighs 
Were housed from that spring-sowing P— fruit it bore. 

And most of good our Stage can boast to-day 
Came from hi$ labour, who is now no more. 

Hail and Farewell— thou last of a great line. 

Who in ideal art moved as at home I^ t 

Because ye bowed at a now empty shrine, "^ r^ /^ I /> 
Was your faith false P Lo, the believers come I 



VOL. LXIV. 



190 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Mat 10, 1873. 




PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

kx* Monday tAi 
28.-A late U 
Bbowjt — now, 
then, Madam, 
wh J this leyity r 
—we repeat, Mbs. 
Baowir, a moat 
excellent Ladr, 
more worthy to 
he mentioneahflre 
than nine out of 
tenpenonBH^ioie 
names frequently 
oconr in these 
oolomns, has left 
£55.000 to pro- 
Tide hetterbath- 
in^ -plaoes for ns 
Londoners. But 
as the money has 
not yet reached 
the Treasury, 
Mb. QhADmovE 
ooold not an- 
nounoe that any 
steps had been 
taken to carry 
out the bene- 
Tolent old Lady's 
wishes. When 
the first new 
bathin^-plaoehas 
been erected, Jfr. 
Punch means to 
oompoM a olas- 
sical inscription 
for it, on the 
model of that 
placed by Pops 
in his grotto. 
«* Nymph of the 
Grot" 

Mb. W. H. 
Smith originated 
a debate which 
lasted thronffh 
two nights. His 
resolution was 
one for which 
Mb. Gladstoitb 
hinted that Mb. Disbabli miffht have a feeling akin to parental fondness. It was that tiie 
House would not proceed with the Budget, and reduce Indirect Taxation, until it knewGorem- 
ment s intentions as to Direct Taxatbn. Ma. Sxhh supported his resolution in a speech 
of calmuMs and ability, and said some yerr hard and just things about the Income-tax, 
uid the folly and yexatiousness of the waj it was imposed and collected. He bdieyed the 
Budffet to have been framed <m a basis of inflation and high prices. 

Then did Mb. Lows assume a somewhat new character, at least one which he has not put 
on during his Ministerial life. He blazed out. He went in for dap-trap, and talked about 
nch and poor," and declared that direct taxation fell on the former, indirect on the latter, 
and that tx>rresponding reductions should take place in both cases. He should be sorrv to tie 
ms suocesaor's hands, as he meant to be his own successor. He had not neglected Local 
Taxation. Then he abused the Opposition for asking relief for &e rich at the expense of Ithe 
poor, and he oomplimented the working classes as being ** neither saints nor idiots." Some 
of us may remember that he did not at all times take so f ayourable a yiew of the artisans, 
and that at a certain Bef orm period he used such strong language about the lower class that 
their organs adyised them to stick up his words in their workshops, and remember their 
yituperator. But times alter, and so do situations, and we are not always looking forward 
to a general election. The speech was a slashing one, and from a partisan point of yiew, 
good, but the haughty cynic descended from his philosophico-economical pedestal to serye 
his party. Howeyer, when the Gods oamedown to fight on the plain of Troy, they used the 
same sort of arms as the mortals whom they knocked about so mercilessly. 
** Full at the chief^ aboye hii oourMii* head 
From Man's arm the enonnous weapon fled— 
Pallas opposed her hand, and camed to glanoe, 
Far from the oar, the strong immortal Umce." 

Sib Stafeobd Nobteootb rose as Minerya, but eyen this cool sage rather lost temper at 
the charges made by Mb. Lowe. The latter had said that more lies were told about Sugar 
than about anything else, and Snt Siaffobd gently suggested that he should haye said 
Imaginary Statements, and that such language made gentlemen disinclined to criticise any 
measure of the Goyemment. 

Mb. Tobbbhs hit out at Mb. Lowb, and demanded a great extension of the area of rate- 
able property. Mb. Kjlyaxjlqr accused Mb. Lowx ox setting class against class. Mb. 
Fawcxtt cut the Budget to pieces, but thought that it was too late to challenge it. 



Mb. GdSGHrar deeUned to reyeal the €K>- 
yernment ideas on Local Taxatbn (of which 
we were to hear on the foUowing Monday), 
and described Ma. Smith's Motion, which 
was designed to f oroe the Goyemment hand, 
as too deyer by half. 

Ma. GLAJMrroini wanted to finish the 
debate at once, so we assumed that Mb. 
GLnr had been able to whisper pleasant 
things to his Chief. But we adjouraed. 

Tue$day,^Th» Lou> OBDorGKLLOB intro- 
duced wlmt is apparently a most yaluable 
Bill for simplifying and cheapening the 
transfer of land. Lobd CAnare was pleased 
that the subject had been reyiyed. For 
those 

*^ Whose freehold *s in a garden pot^ 
And hardly worth a pin," 

the topic baa not much interest; but let 
those who haye eyer 'bought or sold real 
property tell us what sort of language they 
used on looking at the Solicitors* biils ; yet, 
mind, the Solimtor is not oyerpaid for what 
he has to do under the existing system of 
Conyeyancing. 

LoBD Gi.airD HAHtLTOK brought on a 
proposition that the Railways of Ireland 
should be acquired by the State. Mb. 
Gladstovb saw many difficulties in the 
way of this, but he treated the Irish in an 
indulgent sort of style, and had a plan for 
lending money to toe railways at a lower 
interest than they now pay, and by thisL 
and by another deyice of his, they would 
gain Jbl30,000 ft-jf^n?, Wv rejoice to say 
that **a gener^>ue aad grateful people" 
dashed back so im^ultiag a boon at the head 
of the Saxon MLnbler, Mr, DKtAHtrirrr 
declared that he would not toach it with a 
pitchfork, and laid all the mlfleriea of Me 
country at the dmr of the Dublia CaiOe 
officials, who made hsr law*, *' We don't 
come among you m beggari/* med Ma, 
Delahukty. ** Aboliih DablLn Gaatle, 
raise the egual fld^g, and Irel&ad will go 
ahead like a house afire/^ He also men- 
tioned that he va^^ted Eagl&nd and Soot- 
land for the Irish. It was yery diyerting 
to those who like Irish f aree, but when we 
want this kind of thing we prefer to see it 
in MJa. Bouoicii7lt*8 and Mb. Falooitxb's 
deyer dramas. In the end, the Motion of 
LoBD CLkJjj> was defeated by 197 to 65. 

Much more interesting than the clamour 
of wild /reese was an appeal for protection 
to certam other wild birds. Mb. A. Hbb- 
BBBT wt a Select Committee to look after 
some that had been excluded from the Act 
of 1872. '* The amiable and acoompUshed 
Chaffinch," the Thrush, and the Blackbird, 
are to be thought of, and we are not with- 
out hope of putting down tiie Sparrow 
murderers, the most insensate Clowns in 
existence. It was a case of '* the Bird and 
Many Friends," only in the right sense, for 
the Committee was granted by 168 to 16. 

«< Birds in their little nesU agree 
That 'tis a pleasing siffht 
To see great gentlemen aeoree 
To do our WarUen right." 

Wednesday was giyen to the Ladies. 
Mb. Jacob fiBienr moyed the Second Bead- 
ing of the Bill f <Nr doing away with their 
Disabilities— for giyinff them Yotes, in fact. 
It would enfranchise about 300,000 feminine 
persons. We had, he said, a Queen wha 
had showed the greatest tact and judgment 
in a late crisis^ why should not other ladies 
exercise political sway? Women were 
much better people than men, and behayed 
admirably in all social and moral relatione. 
Bin. Eastwicb, in the gentlest and plea- 
santest manner, seconded the Motion, and 
eyen urged that in war times women were 
brayer than men. " 



1 



Mat 10, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



191 



Mb. BoxTTiBix, oi oonrse, objected to tBrnisg Women into 
Men. The former were phytically weaker, and tnerefore oonld 
not nndergo equal fatigne. (Beleakina, ai we tay in Lanca- 
shire, Mil Boutebib can neyer have ahared the levere eojoy- 
menta of a London leaaon.) He made the nsnal jokea aoout 
female Members of Parliament, abont an Attorney-General eloping 
with a Solidtor-Oeneral, and about a Prime Minister being laid up 
with a baby (are Prime Miniaters neyer laid up with the gout P), and 
he ffaye us the rett of the cheap and aged satire customary on 
Buoh occasions. Mb. Lbaisax, too, opposed the Bill, and objected 
to the creation of the monster called yemme'hotnme. His picture 
of a bloominff and engaging First Gommisiioneresa of Works, how- 
erer, made the House laugn. 

Lobd JoHir MAmma, always all chiyalry, stood up for the 
Ladies, and made one good point. If the Ballot were the guarantee 
for order, quiet, and seoresy that it had been represented to be, what 
diffiddtr was there in the way of feminine yoting f 

Mb. Bbvgb waa unusuaUjr idaonraa agamst the measnx^— tfanid 
men are generally ■K)8t afraid ox women« unaware that 
** Woman, bom to be eontiroUed, 
Btoops to the haughty and the bold." 

All thrffogh the history of mankind a broad distinction had been 
made between man and woman,— nacountry had yet conceded femi- 
nine Boftage^in a House whose Members had wivea, sisters, and 
daughtes, their mtevaata weva sue to be looked after, etc., etc. 
Indeed, so fsminiae was Mb. Bxuc9*8 Ic^rio that it did seem to make 
the TOesenee el mote orators of the Mod unnecessary, and so he did 
mischief to the BiU. 

Mb. BBBsnofKBi) Hofb hit stndghler, though not so politely, and 
had adieasantword f> r cliqii«H of i ^» hv , ^md diMigreeable,and8troDg- 
minded womeo, who ht thuMghi ltd the aritatioa in the matter. 

Mb. Fjlwgbxt, of ooune, supported the Bill, and said that though 
women were genevall? GonserT&tiT<ds, and would eertainly hinder the 
destruetion <« the CEnroh of England (^kich he desired} that was 
no reason for refusing thfm justice. 

Mb. Ks^OBBTJiLrUVQXBSss objected to sareasm on ike question. 
But Ptondence had asai|(ned different duties to men and to womsin. 
This is not quite exhauatiye. On both aezss is imposed the pleasant 
duty of reading Mb. K. H.'8 charming story-books, and we wish 
he 'd write more of them. 

Mb. Hbnlbt had prenously been on the side of the— Men, but he 
had seen reason to go oyer to that of the Angels. 

Mb. NBWBBejiTB was very, yery sorry to hear this. He protested 
against the BiU as a deelaration that men were unequal to the per- 
formance of their own dutiea. 

Snt JoHv TiXLkwsY quoted eyer so much out of Lryr, in the 
original, against women, which would haye been rather mean, but 
that most ladiea understand Latin better than offioera, schoolboys, 
and *' self-made men." 

Mb. Obxxhe told the old story about the woman who had no 
** ooals of fire " to heap on her husband'a head, and so took boiling 
water, and he seemed to think that thia would be the course in a 
family where the head of the house did not please his ladies by 
yoting with them. After this descent no more could be said, and 
the Bill was thrown out by 222 to 155 : Majority againat Woman. 67. 

One story might haye oeen told in regiard to the proposal tnat, 
when a woman married, ahe should lose her yote. A Scotchman 
made an offer of marriage in the most cheerful style. He conducted 
his loye to the kirk- yard, and pointing out the grayes of his own 
family, said tenderly, *' Lassie, would ye like to rest with them t '' 
A somewhat lees doleful form of offer, in case of the aboye arrange- 
ment, might be, " Bxldii)^ darling, say, will you be disfranchised 
for the sake of your Alphokso P " 

ThurBday.^lAmj) Sn.BOBHB'a Judicature Bill was ''improyed," 
contrary to his wish. An alteration by Lobd Caibbs was adopted, 
nurporting to uphold the pre-eminence of the Lobd Chaitcbllob. 
Lobd Sblbobbe is a Medea in a new light. He takes the two ugly 
little children— Law and Equity— and tosses them into a cauldron, 
wherein he proposes to fuse than, and to brin^ out a perfect Angel 
oi Justice. Their respeotiye friends are makuig a moat intolerable 
row about the operation, and Mr* Punch imputes no more inte- 
rested motiye than Patriotism to the demonstration against the 
measure. But it is oertain that those who are most displeased with 
it are most likely to lose by it 

One of Mb. Pbtbb Tjitlob*8 *^ grieyances"— the case of a culprit 
who was said to haye reoeiyed extra punishment for laughiug in the 
dock, was explained, and of course, exploded. The feUow had 
frequently been guilty, but while his poor old mother paid Ida fines, 
he jeered at justice, which has finally giyen him something which 
he does not laughHit. 

We then resumed the adjourned debate on Mb. W. H. Sxith's 
Motion on the Budget. The Houf e was not well attended during 
the early debate, and the speakers could not be yery cheerful. 
Howeyer, it was known that the Leaders meant to haye a round or 
two, so wA picked up about ten. Colobbl Avootts' mentioning 



that he intended *' to speak truth and shame the Eyil One," was 
assailed with a cry of '* Name I " Mb. Bentdtck walked out of the 
House, displeased that the Spbabbb would not hear him instead of 
Mb. DiSBAiu. 

The Leader of Opposition made an elaborate speech in support of 
the Motion, and was full .of information about Local Taxation. 
But this was not nearly so interesting as his mode of paying back 
Mb. Lows for oertain taunts. He was able to taJce a che^fid yiew 
of Mb. Lowb*s extraordinary speech— it was a specimen of the 

1'uyenile ardour of some primitiye assembly. *' Eyerybody had not 
lad the good fortune to haye trayelled in the Antipodes.'' Trans- 
late this- we shall not— and you will see what it meant He pro- 
posed that Mb. Lowb should do as he had done before, take back 
hifrfiodget, and try to make it better. Speaking (tf tiie duties on 
Viqpmt an4 tobaooo, Mb. Dibbaxli informed the House that he 
neither drank spirits, nor smoked. We may concede to Sa Hbitbt 
Thohpson that spirits are bad lor most people, but 
** Diriae tobaooo, that from aest to west, 
Soothes the Task's labour and the Ttote^aresl I **" 
We cannot hear with pleasure that the friend of Sdmiviii: partaketh 
not of the fragrant ^weed." aa it is proftaely sailed. We had 
imagined him, ientus m umM, watohing the nasghild, and deyis- 
ing the epigram. Some pensiye regret comes onus to leam that 
Mb. Disbaxli has giyen up smoking. He made, haweier, an effoo- 
tuve BDeeoh^ 

It was answered aa effeotHfdf by tiie other, **wai^ perfect 
master." Mb. Cb^ADsroNS delended the Budget, auLdwelt on the 

S-eatboouto the work i it g m^n from the romiesioQei tiie Sugar- 
uty— £750,000. Bat for this Motiun the plan of Gememment as 
to Loeal Taxation would then have been b^Ebre the House. If 
Mb* Lowe had naid iha.t all thd direct taxes fell on the rich, the 
indirect on the p{>0]-, it was a ^tOBs ex afnr^ ration, hut Mb. Olad- 
stovb laid he had i^ot beard this. But it would haye been us just 
not to remit aamueh taxatioD of the pcMir aa we remitted of that on 
the rich. He trusted to the Honse to fulfil the dictates of justice. 

Both I/eadera deelaredf with profuse emphaata, that they would 
not shrink irom a diTiflion* BouDtlcBa tbey would not haye done so, 
but no division was taken. To the Liberal shout of " Ay," the 
OppoaitiDii gave not one aniwerlDg " No," And there was an end 
of the TQatter. Tbis debate, with such a result, has he#n rather 
good for the Ministers. 

i^u/av.— We sat yery long in the Commons. After it had been 
admitted that Knyland had been "put in a hole" in the S. Juan 
business—we haying accepted unfair terms of arbitration hoMiuse 
the Americans would not consent to fair terms, we went into Supply, 
and suppUed away till two in the morning. 



FOLLIES OF THE FASHION. 

HO is it that sets the fashions? 
Whom haye we to thank for all 
the hideous ezoresoences by which 
beauty is distorted and comfort 
is disturbed? Passing periwigs 
and pigtails, as thinga happily 
extinct, we wonder who inyented 
chignons, corsets, stick-up-ooUars, 
cbimney-pot hats, and high- 
heeled boots. 

As regards these last-named 
inatruments of torture, see here 
what is said of them hy somebody 
who knows :— 

'*It was impossible to iaughie a 
more depraved form of foot ooyering, 
or one more injurious, than the high- 
heeled boots BOW worn by many 
women. The fire toes were orumpled 
up together, and a greater weiaht than 
it was erer intended it should bear was 
thrown upon the ball of the great toe, 
rendering long-oontinued musoolar 
exertion a thing impossible." 

Fine ladies may declare that 
fine ladiea haye no need of under- 
going; a continuance of muscular 
exertion, and that they therefore 
haye no need to giye up wearinf high-heeled boots. Of course, fine 
ladies keep their carriages, and, exoept perhaps in dancing, neyer 
haye oocaaion for stretching their ten toes. So they let these be 
deformed and crumpled up hy high-heeled boots, and stow mis- 
shapen and diatorted like the feet of the Chinese. Deformity 
becomes a proof of fashionable breedinf^juidJk iswhe|t|ril»#|a: 
hideous thai not dress d la mode. '•^J^^errDy^n^e^P'^^l^ 




lUJ 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CflARIVAKI. 



[Mat 10» 1673. 




SOME PEOPLE HAVE A WAY OF ACCOUNTINQ FOR EVERYTHING. 

Florence. "My Eoo's quitb Cold! I Wondke why!" Ethel, "SoV mink. Can't totj Guess!** Florence. "No!" 
Bthel, "Why, they've bbbk boilkd in Cold AVateb, StoopidI". 



NAPOLEON IN EXCELSIS. 

It is yery well koowa that, durinflr the late French Empire, the 
celebrated 'Medium, Mb. D. D. Hovb. enjoyed the patronage of 
Napolbon thb TauLDf and used to hold 9ianee$ before his Imperial 
Majesty at the TnUeHes. In oonnection with this matter of historical 
fact, therift seems a peonliar significance in tiie following passage of 
LoTTiB NAPoLBOK'sTccehtly pubUshed will :— 

" II faat penter qae da haut det oIauz eenx qae Toot arei aim^t yous 
regardent et youi protdgent. C'eat r&me de mon grand onole qui m'a 
foujoura inapiii et aoutena. 11 en aera de mdme pour mon fila, oar U aera 
toujoara digne'de aon Horn." 

Perhaps the Kephew learned that he was inspired from Heayen 
by the soul of his. Uncle from raps which occorred in the presence of 
Mb. Homb. Thes^. hQweyer, haye proyed untrustworthy, and are 
not to be depended on.. Therefore we cannot confidently express 
the hope thM NAFOLBoier the Thibd (who ayenged Waterloo by 
doing good offices to England) may haye rejoined his Uncle. We 
wish we could. The assurance that'^APOLBoir thb First had gone 
aloft would be cheering. . In that case, who would need to be a&aid 
of haying to go elsewhither ? fie is in an abode which contains the 
majority, if not all, of the nuiforeB,, Among them must be nearly, 
if not quite, eyery man Jack, of the hundreds of thousands whom he 
sent thither from the battle-field^besides the Dae d*£bohibn in 
cold blood. 

In another part of the late Bupbbob's testament he expresses, 
with reference to the Pbibcb Impbbial, the desire :^ 

" Qa'il n'oublie jamaia la de?iae da chef de notie famiUe, * IbiU pomr 1$ 
FeupUI^rmqaie:*'^ 

It may be doubted if the Third Napolbob understood this motto 
exactly in the sense in which it was practised br the First, its 
Author. A proyerb says that, " lo pere de famUU est capable de 
touV Sj was the Chief of the Napolbob family. In his mind did 
not '* Tout pour le Peuple Frangais** simply mean *' Anything to 
be Emperor of the French." Neyertheless, the ability to belieye 
that he is now in a better place than eyen the Tuileries would be 
satisfactory, because reassuring. 



EIDICULE OP WOMAFS RIGHTS. 

r 

Tsb suffrage both Man 's right and duty 
You hold| and yet deny to Beauty. 
' (Women in general so we caU— 
Some haying more, some less, that 's all.) 
With just aboye an idiot's brains. 
That men should yote ^ou *ye taken pains ; 
To poll admit the multitude 
Of fools : the sagest dames exclude. 
Tou haye enfranchised each male ninny. 
Is Jackass so much more than Jenny I' 
Yes, men of lofty politics, 
For you, because your Jackass kicks ; 
Whereas poor Jenny does but bray ; 
So can be safely answered ** Nay I " 

Say, you whose theory supposes 
The rule of right is counting noses. 
And who, in point of worth, opine 
That snub *s as good as aquiline, 
The petit nez retrou»$4, too. 
Of less account is that to jrou. 
Why, than the gross plebeian pug 
Of tinker SnoiU or joiner Snug f 
Are women in your sight as mud ? 
Are they not, too, your flesh and blood P 



Hard Oase. 

OcB eld friend Jollibotsb, who is still forbidden by his Doctor to 
touch eyen a single glass of his f ayourite wine, speaks of himself, 
quoting Cowpbe,— lor JoLLiBoxaB has more tastes than one,— as 
** Always from port withheld." 



A. 



A WoKAN^s Idba of Cbicebi (abd 07 Abgukebt).— The same 
thing oyer and oyer again. 



PUNCH, OB THB LONDON OHARIVARL— Mat 10, 1873. 




THE NEW MEDEA. 



JasowCMb. Bun.). "GOODNESS GRACIOUS I- (a*Mfc)— I HOPE IT'S ALL EIGHT-BUJC THEM'LL BE^^W|t|p 

. AWFUL KOW I " '^' '^^ ^ ^O 



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Kat 10, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



195 



NIP'S NOTES. 

I%eaineal Nippingt, From the Lyceum to the S^and, from the 
I. Strand to the OpSra Comiique, thenee to the Vdudevitte. 

NncBiB Nip was a funi- 
liar. So am I, only not too 
mnoh 80. I obaorve the 
oantton^ " Be thou familiar, 
bnt bf no meani Tolgar.'' 
Being eager to go eyery- 
where, in order to Keep you, 
my Maater, and your mjnkda 
au oeurant with what ia 
going on — (and, indeed, 
yon most now-a-dayi be 
(m the nm, iHien nothing 
ia at a 8tanditill)^being 
eager, I say, to ffo erery- 
wnere^ and stay^whero. 




I nip into a place, and nip 
out again,— fly here. 



fl] 



there, — ^I ahoud «/, v»u 
here, oab there, and see 
what ia to be aeen from 
one end of London to the 
other. Amcmff the theatres, 
I haye reoently yiaited tiM 
Lycenm, the Strand, the 
Yaudeyille, and the OnSra 
Comwue^ whereon I naye 
the following remarks to 
offer. 
Eyery playgoer will, of 
course, at some time or other, treat himself to Mb. iRynre's per- 
formance of Euaene Aram at the Lycenm. Eugene Aram^ how- 
eyer poetically idealiBed, was, in fact, bat a Bugene Aram-scanim 
sort of a fellow. He was a hero of the Newgate Calendar* He 
murdered a man for his plate, wrote half-a^ozen lines of indif- 
ferent yersifioation, and met a fate that OnrsL might haye expe- 
rienced, had "a 2a lanteme,'' instead of " tear him," been the cry 
in the time of the Boman poet, whom Eugene resembled, only 
inasmuch as they were arcadee umbo, or Sinners both. 

Beautifully put on the stage under the direction of Mb. Bitb- 
KAV, Eugene Aram ia an undramatic play, but a dramatic poem. 
Its leading idea is but the ringing of one change on The BeUe. 

Li the latter, Mathiae had murdered a PoliBh Jew : and fear and 
remorse killed him. Li the present play, Aram has murdered a 
scoundrel (not a PoHsh Jew), and fear and remorse kill hinu In the 
last Act of 2!^ BeUe, Mathiae showed in jpant<«iime how he killed 
the Jew : in the last Act of the present piece, Aram shows Miss 
ISABBL Batbiuk, who hss rather a dreary time of it throughout, 
how he killed the sooundreL 

As for the lan^na^ of the poem, it is, doubtless, excellent; but 
more than one yiait is necessary in order to form an opinion of its 
literary merits. Were the book published, the more satisfactory 
method would be to read it first, and then see it played. 

One thing more. The Bells, to which it bears so striking an 
affinilj, was called a '* Psychological Study." This is not so styled, 
thouffh it ought to be. Now, Sir, I submit that the stage is int^ided 
for Plays, and not for •• Psychological Studies." HanSet is, himeelf, 
a psycholoffi(MU study ; but he is the central figure of a strong play. 
So <tf Macbeth, so of Othello. Howeyer, there is the piece, and as it 
u, not as it im't. we must all pronounce upon it llie yerdict will 
decidedly be in fayour of Mb. Hbkbt iByme's performance ; buti 
sincerely trust that with this second '* study " of "murder as one of 
the fine arts" will terminate what threatens to be *<The Bells 
series." If murder will out in this psychologically-stagey way, then, 
instead of bles^g the BeQs, play-goers will be exclaiming, with 

Mrs. Oamp, *; Drat them Bdls," and'so will Mb. Synre. The 

inece is completely successful, and has, up to the present time, 
attracted more attention than either of its predecessors. 

After Eugene Aram^ enliyen yourself with Nemetie, a piece of 
muical buffoonery at the Strand, and one of the funniest, brightest, 
and most extrayagantest packs of nonsense that this little Tneatre 
has had since— well, no matter since when— let me say, generally 
and yaguely, smce the last 

There is not a dull bit of music in it, and though there is no par- 
ticuhfflyibrilliant yocaliiation, yet, as all the singing is well acted 
(which is nearly eyerything in tiiis sort of thing), and as the people 
fit tiie parts, and the parts the people, it all goes with spirit 

Oyer the way at the Opira ComSque, Mbs. Gbobgb HoiriT, Miss 
rATTt LjtyxBNB, Miss Gabltlb, and the numerous dramatis 
fersona, do their yery best with the bright music of tiie rather too 
long Bohemians. There are excellent thibigs in it, but fer fun it 



is some way behind the general run of Opiras Bouffee* C!ostumes 
and scenery, brilliant Singing, capital. 

Finally, for a genuine bit of comedy, commend me to the per- 
formance of Mb. Fjlbbbk as Sir Peter Teazle, and Mb. Clittof as 
Joseph Surface, in the celebrated Screen Scene in the School for 
Scandal. It has run for oyer two hundred nights ; and, were it 
acted all round now, as perhaps it was at^ first, and as it stiU is by 
the two gentlemen aboye mentioned, it would not "surprise me 
to hear." at some future time, that it was celebrating its four 
hundredth representation to a crowded house. Played as it is, 
the adyertisements ought to announce that the Screen Scene com- 
mences punctually at such and such an hour, and add the time of 
its finish. This would draw tiie latest diners, while the earliest 
would haye their full six-penn*orth. I make no charge for this 
yaluable hint, and remain your own familiar, 

Nip. 

^=ia==^g^i^=! I . as 

FOUa BOB. 

Thb policy of RoBDr Hood was not, Mb. Robbbt Lowb, exactiy 
what you represented it in your remark on the proposal to reduce 
Direct Taxation rather than the Sugar-Duty :— 

«It ia roToniiig the poHoy of BoBor Hood— stripping tike poor to feed the 

Why not be accnrateP It was, you know, the policy of Eobik 
Hood not merely to strip the rich, but worse, to rob them. EoBiif 
Hood subjected the rich to a iK>cket-tax. With part of the proceeds 
of this direct taxation he bribed the poor to support him. This, 
you see, Mb. Robbbt. was. as it were, sugaring the poor. Would 
not reyersing the pohey oi RoBiif be something like reyersing the 
policy of Robbbt r What 's in either of those two names to differ- 
ence them ; do they not accord in the first syllable ; and is not Bob. 
politically and financially, in the fullest sense equiyalent to Rob r 
Recollect there ware two noted Robs— Robdt Hood and Rob Rot. 
The English Rob robbed the rich, as you should haye said, to nye 
to the poor, so thst he might curry fayour with the latter. The 
Scotch KOB leyied black mail— on priyileffed classci, look you— and 
wouldn't he haye made a famous Cluuicellor of the Exchequer P As 
to another illustrious Rob or Bob— long life to him, and— d!^ vivis 
nil nisi bonum. 

You do not say much to discredit the policy you so deyerly mis- 
represent when you declare that— 

<< Snoh s DoUoy wiU be an injwtioe to the iogtr trade, which would, 
while thflio bettloi were going on aboat looal taxation, be hong up betweea 
heaven and earth." 

Well; in that pass would not Society be well rid of a great many 
fraudulent grocers? In tiie meantime, Mb. Robbbt, you coolly 
assume it to be an incontroyertible fact that the payers ef direct 
taxes consume no sugar. Now— not a^in to mention the two 
Bobs already referred to in connection with a name that makes a 
third— is not that rather too much like a fourth Bob- Robbbt 
Macatbb? 

CRADLE-SONa OP A "WOOLWICH INFANT." 

LuLLABT, lullaby. 
What a fine babe am 1 1 
Bom only yesterday, 
Thirty-fiye tons I weigh. 

Lullaby, lullaby. 
What a fine yoioe haye 1 1 
List to the dulcet note 
Flung from my iron throat. 

Lullaby, lullaby. 
See how my playthings fiy I 
Balls of gigantic size 
Hurled to the yery skies. 

Lullaby, lullaby. 
Brothers a score haye L 
Rather a costiy lot : 
You *ll haye to pay our shot. 



Flretty Batswomen. 

Tbbbpbisstblb Woman is again in the field. ** Ladies' Cricket ** 
is adyertised, to be followed, there is eyery reason to apprehend, by 
Ladies' Fiyes. Ladies' Football, Ladies' Golf, fto. It is all oyer 
with Men. They had better make up their minds to rest contented 
with croj[uet. and afternoon tea, and sewing-machines, and perhaps 
an occasional game at drawing-room billiards. 



*9i 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDO^ CHARIVARI. 



[May 10. 1873. 




MISTAKEN IDENTITY. 

Mm en FtdgOy Mare, '< Gbntlt, Old Labt t Gently I Ko Hitery I " 

Stout Lady erouing the Ride. <' Who abk you, callino ue * Old Lady/ I should likx to Enow t 
I CAN Tell you I ** 



I don't intend to Hubby, 



OUR WHISPERING GALLERY. 

Wb are in a petition to eontradiot the rumour whioh has lately 
been gaining groiind, that in oonseqnenee of the dailv i^Qreumg 
demand for mSh fruit and yegetables in the Metropolis, Mb. Atbton 
has dedded to oonyert a large portion of EenaiDgton Gardens into 
liarket Gktfdens. 

There is no foundation for the report that Mb. Glabstonb is suf- 
fering from harassing donhts as to the personal ezistenoe of Hombb, 
and the anthentidty of the popular aoooonts of the Trojan campaign. 

We have reason for belieying that Mb. Lows has no intention of 
sabmitting to Parliament a supplementarv estimate for the estab- 
lishment and maintenanoe of a Ifational School of Cookery. 

A littie bird has just whispered in onr ear, but we cannot Yonoh 
fnr its heing well informed, that the leading supporters of the 
Women's Wayward MoTement are about to ahandon their native 
shores, and St. James's Hall, and Mb. Boutebde and Mb. Lbatham ; 
and form a new settiement in one of our Transooeanio Colonies — 
Mb. Jacob Bbioht to be the President of the Community, pro tem,y 
uatil the Ladies have settied among themselyes whioh of them has 
the best right to take the lead. 

A statement has gone the rounds of the Press, but we understand 
without sufficient official authority, that the Shah of Persia, 
during his approaching Yisit to this country, will be iuTited to lay 
the foundation-stone of a new win^ to a well-known and popular 
public Institution, with full Masonic honours, a Municipal Muress, 
a prooession of five hundred young ladies, dressed in the height of 
tiie folly of fashion, to deposit purses of gold at his slippers, and a 
luncheon after the ceremony in the nearest Town HalL 

A rumour is afloat, but we cannot trace it to its source, that a 
healthy young sea-serpent is expected at Whitsuntide at the Brighton 
Aquanum ; and that at the Crystal Palace an elegant chamber (in 
the Bockoco style) is in preparation for the reception of a mermaid 
of prepossessing appearance and fascinatiog manners, now on her 
Toyage to thii oountiy from the Cannibannauan Seas. 

The report that a large number of Equity Barristers are about to 



present the Lobd Chancellor with a fnll*-length portrait of him- 
self, holding the Judicature Bill in his n^siit hand» seems to require 
corroboration. 

The news seems almost too good to be true, that the Boyal 
Academy haye decided, after this year, to hang; ail the poortraits m 
a room by themselves, to be conspicuously labelled "Portrait 
Boom,'' and to whioh there will be no ad^tional charge lor 
admission. 

It is whispered in the Clubs that the future position of this 
country with regard to the oyster is likely to eng[age the attention of 
the Cabinet before next season. The question is one whicUi cannot 
long be shcdyed.— No epigram about shely-fish implied. 

Great excitement has been caused in the House of Cammons hj a 
report that the Gbyemment haye serious thoughts of not adioummg 
this year for the Derby Bay, but intend to add an additional holiday 
to the Whitsuntide recess, by way of compensation. 

We rcffret to announce that, alter the most seardhinff inyestiga- 
tion. we haye failed to meet with anybody who eaw the Members of 
the Metropolitan Board of Works twudng garlands of flowdrs round 
the lamp-posts on the Thames Embankment, on the morning of the 
First of M!ay. ^ . 

It is whispered that the fltst stone of the new Courts of Justice 
will not be htid until Pbincb Albebt Yicxob is of an age to take 
the chief part in public ceremonials. 

We must leaye it to our listeners to say what reliance they think 
is to be placed on the assertion that Goyernment intend to delegate 
to a Boyal Commission, with its head-quarters at Greenwioh, the 
delicate task of settling the long-pending question— What is a 
whitebait? ^ ^ 

A rumour has reached us— we giye it for what it is worth— that 
through the liberality of the great City Companies, all the London 
Bridges will be thrown open, toll free, after the 3l8t of March next. 

A project is said to be on foot for forming a Company to supply 
the streets at the West End of London, during the season^ with 
scented water. The carts to be elegant and ornamental in^ their 
structure, to reyolye on noiseless wheels, and to be flttedup with an 
ingenious musical apparatus, by means of whioh a seleouon from 



Mat 10, 1873.1 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAMVABL 



197 




'^ %< — 






ON THE FACE OF 



Boa. "I don't likb this Lapittx HAKT 80 w 
Hate tou noticed ant DirrxBXNOE t ** 

Nno ButUr. ** Well, Six, vob Mtsklf I wm't Drink Claist 

AOBKI8 WITH MS 80 MUCH BETTIB 1 1" 



IT." 

ELL AS TSX LAJrr, BlIQSB. 



I fobFobt 



PALLAS; Oft THE WOBLD OP WISDOM, 

BxHOLD yon Pltnet bright and fair. 

Ton world of splendoor, Madam : 
TheT manage matten better there 

Than we. the race of Abax. 
For them the pasiioni ne'er enthral 

WMbh 118 are apt to seize on ; 
Beoanse they haye their feelings all 

Babordinate to Reason. 

Their earth indndes no battle plain, 

Renowned in song or story ; 
For knowledge is their onhr ndn : 

No thooght haye they of fflory. 
No martiiJ hero there they know. 

Low knaye, or lofty plotter ; 
No soldier hath his soars to show ; 

His stripes hath no garotter. 

Folk aet for ends wMoh meet they think, 

Regardless of sensation ; 
On principle they eat and drink, 

And not from molination. . 
Their bodies, which, unto their sonls, 

Mere engines, ruled by thought, are. 
They stoke with food as thongh with ooals; 

Turn liquors in like water. 

No riyalries are oyer bred. 

In that wise world, by Beauty. 
For there, too, people only wed 

Because it is their duty. 
Herein the wisdom of their law 

Transcends e*en all Egyptian ; 
The lot of marriage husbands draw, 

Wiyee also, by conscription. 

Hence, on that whole resplendent globe. 

There's not a single nation 
Which will be stripped of Natnn's robe 

By oyer-Bopulauon. 
We, too, this island of our own. 

Might saye the flowers and trees <m, 
Woukl we, supreme upon its throne, 

likewise, eetablish Reason. 



FooT-NoTBB.— Dance Music. 



some fayouzite opera will be giyen each morning. The driyers wHl 
be habited in a tasteful uniform. 

Another new tripos (Athletic Bzerdses) is spoken of as being in 
contemplation at uambrid^ It is not improbable that a scheme 
for the reyiyal of the ancient Public Games will, before long, be 
oeoadered by Conyocatbn at Oxford. 



HOMO CAUDATUB. 



Ivthe eoune of his admirable oration in Catironem, HAWsnt, 
Q.C. (we do not say Mb. Gigbao), thus beepolce the Jury :^ 

« Tou know that the £100,000 upon the Tiohborne eftatei was not touched 
by the will at alL The MttlemenU had done that Bat the Defendant, when 
Questioned aa to the general object of the wiH, said it was to < create a reserre 
fond by entailing my father.* "^ 

This guotation was followed by "great laughter; ^ aflsr which 
our learned friend proceeded :— 

" There is a dIstinguUhed conreyanoer behind me (Ma. Ohafman Barber) 
who might poeiibly make me understand how that could be done, but he 
would be a long time about it." 

A distinguished Naturalist could, j>erhapB, eanly elucidate in a 
few words what it would task a disttnguished Conyeyancer to ex- 
plain in many. Has not the Author of the Origin of Species entailed 
hia ancestors r If you want to know how to entail your father, ask 
Mb. Dabwib. ^ 

Xlegaaoe with Economy. 

Madam, yon pmch your waist so tight 
As to shook all men in their senses ; 

Your husband still you could delight : 
As eloeely poll in your < 



TEE GOLDSN LAND, 

Thb true Tom Tiddler's Oronnd must clearly, one would say, be 
near the Bank of Eagluid. And what a lot of gold and silyer must 
be constantly picked up there, when we And the land is purchased 
at the price wnioh we here quote :— 

*<Tkr Yalve or Citt Lahd. ^Premises in Coleman Street (once a lead- 
ing ^oroeghfiire of the Oity, but linoe the opening of Moorgate Street not so 
much used), with an area of about 2,000 feet, were yesterday sold at a turn of 
£12,000. bang at tha rate of £6 per foot, the largest sum, we beliere, yet 
obteMatthk^Kyt" 



Sit pounds per foot I This well-nigh beats tiie diamond-fields. 
Faney owning a few acres of land which may be yalued at six 
pounds for a foot I Well, in spite of all one hMrs about the deca- 
dence of England, there is certainly small fear of her prosperity 
decreasing wmle her soil is thought wurthpurchaiiiig at ten shillings 
anincL 

[RUSSIAN HIDSa 

OiTB by no means remote ancestors used to aooonut the Russians, 
whom they called Moscoyites, barbarians, little better than down- 
right sayages. Hence they would haye beenprepared to misinter- 
fret a telegram, concerning the Smpbbob William's yiiit to St. 
etersburg, which conoludee with the statement that :— 

«* This being the birtfadarof the Osui, the toihi ii decorated in a festiTe 
manner. The etreets are filled with joyous orowdi. In the ereniag there 
wiU be a grand tattoo." 

Thanks to the yast increase of interoommunication with our 
nei^bows, which has been effected by the maryeUous instrumen- 
tality of steam, we are, happily, far too wise to understand that, in 
Russia, tattooing themselyes, after the fashion of South Sea 
Islandors, is one of the manners and oustoma of the natiyea. 



198 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[M4T 10, 1878. 



^ 
/' -' 



.-A^ 



THE 8TAGB AND THE PULPIT. 

Oir tlie aftenuxm o| .Sunday lagt week the Ret. Pbofusob 
LiGHTFOOT^ 0mm of 8t. Panl'i CethedreU preeohecU at St James'a 
Church, Piooadilly« a eemMm which, from a imhlished summary of 
it, appears to haTe been an altogether awakemng disoourse, and not 

one of that numer- 

ous kind by which, 
on the oontrary, a 
nareotio effect is pro- 
duced on a conirrega- 
tion. The subject of 
it was *'The Drama," 
whereon the preacher 
•poke as to wise men, 
and n ot to sanctimoni- 
oos fools or itloomy 
hypooritei. He told 
them that it *' was an 
enormous and power- 
ful instrument in the 
hands of Society— an 
engine for good or for 
evS," and that:— 

*^Iti populaiitj would 
inentaolif leeure for it 
a great lofluoiioe, and 
he thought that the 
Drama ihoiild be an- 
eouraged, and hearty 
lympathr with it ex- 
pretaed for ail its noble 
efforts. It should be 
raised up and made what 
Qod would have it made, 
to purify the moral 
■entimenti, to be the 
oommon edueator of the 
people in all that was 
heroio, j Oft, pure, loTely, 
and of good report." , 

And, he asked,— 

<* What waa there to 
prerent the English 
btage from taking its 
proper place to as to 
inculcate all that was 
healthy in morality in 
the hearta of the 
people?" 

Nothing, to be sure, 
in the nature of the 
Stage itself :— 

<*But the present 
wtate of the Drama was 
far fh>m • satif factory ; 
all honour, then, to 
those dramatic writers 
and stage managers who 
were attempting to raise 
it by not pandering to 
the Titiated tastes of 
some of the public.*' 

The Stage, well 
conducted, would be 
auxiliary to the Pul- 

S it— that- well con- 
ucted too. For if 
the state of the Drama 
is unsatisfactory, so, 
in general, is not that 
of the Sermon? If 
the former ii, in some 
instances, immoral, 
is not the latter, im 
Yery many indeed, 
unpractical; and is 

f rivolousness on one 

hand not matched by 
imbecility on the other P ' Many sermons are light as the lif:htest 
literature, adapted to the meanest capacity by Uyity consisting in 
the mere absence of thought. 

Oaitov LieHXFOOT'8 discourse, aboye quoted, may be OMfaous of 
better things for both Stage and Pulpit. BeUtiag to a matter of 
practical interest, with moral and sinntoal bearings, it is calculated 
to attract the oongregation who heard it to come where they may 







expect to hear the likeu and also to go i^iere dramas, which 
exemplify ** noble efforts,*' on the pert boUi of their authors, actors, 
and producers, are perf armed. Thus people might be tent from 
Church to the Theatre, and from the Theatre to Ghnrebu And eo 
the Stage would edify the public six days a week ; and the iatelleo- 
tual and moral edinoe would be erowiied from the Pulpit eyery 
Sunday. It is sefd that a 

moyement has at last 
been begun to the 
amelioration of ser- 
mons. If so. Cavov 
LieHTFooT has eyi- 
dently taken a hand 
in it To call his 
exceptionally sen- 
sible sermon on the 
Drama, as oompared 
with ayerage ser- 
numi, an inteUectoal 
treat, would be to 
characterise it by a 
phrtse wUch pro- 
yinoial reportersusu- 
•Ur^PPlytoapwny 
reading from Bick" 
wick. Yet it was 
inteUeotnal ; there- 
fore, a teeat lor a 
sermon* A good 
sermoUi truly, is 
meat for the ioner 
good 



Now, in the ancient 
ballad of Tke King 
and the Wtter of 
MatUfield, tJie Id- 
ler, entertaining his 
Soyereign unawares, 
regales the hungrj 
monarch with a yent- 
son pasty, which, in 
respect of its oon- 
tents, was deriyed 
from his Majeaty's 
own de^r. He.dii- 
tinguishes this deli- 
cacy by a name in 
point with respect to 
the foregoing obeer- 
yations:* 

«* Here's dsintyLfght- 
foota! la fidtb, 
said the King, 
I nerer before ate so 
dainty a thisg.", 

The material yeni- 
son is not to be had 
in season and out of 
season too. The 
metaphorical is al- 
ways ready, and long 
may it continue in 
prime out eyery Sun- 
day, and other f eeti- 
yal or holy day of the 
Church. 



Iron duakefi. 
Thk Peace Sooie^ 
may be glad to hear 
that the new rifled 
howitzers, of ei^ht- 
inch and ten-tneh 
calibre, which haye 
been tried at Shoe- 
burynem, combine 
.tiieVuditiflaof boft 
a howitser and a mortar, so that they are capable of eiUier wtioal 
or horizontal fire; lor the ealntation, if neoeasary, of En^ands 
enemies. All such applianoesof the strong man armed oonmimte to 
the preseryatioh of peace ; so much so, indeed, tiiat a can did a t e in 
a competitiye examination, if asked the doiyation of howitser, 
would make no bad goess if he answered that it came from Howm, 
a distinguished onuunent of the Society of Friends. 



AN ARTISTIC DUOLOQUE. 

** What Pionna havx tou got this TiAn I ' — ** Oh I Thaitis I " 

•'BoATl"— "YaasI** "GiRt8t»'— "YaabI" . ••In WrtiTB MirsLnrr'— "YaabI 

•*Ah! good sTrBjaoT!** "What's roi7B5 f "— ** Oh I Thamxs!" 

••Boat?"— ••YaasI" "GiblsI"— " Yaas I" «'Whitb MTOLnrl"— "YaasI" 

" FiafiT-&ATB SUBJECT I " 



ntBtoa fer 'mt^ aaiM, or no. m. He 

Sintt,U tko PTNUMt or WklttMMt, 



aqoMo.tota>Fonofcofat.loM^,Otorfc— wott,imtaoODi»tyoflft<iHiw. — taol , 

M» th« Oltf of Loaaest •»* r«oliia«4 fey )ua ot a*. «, flcfl Simli U tat VHlia «c ei.1 



jrajwsr* 



Mat 17, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



idd 




JiTT^r 



TROUBLES OF OUR CLERQY. 

** Bjk^w, How is it that you did hot come for toue Soxtp to-djlt, Mrs. 
Smith t" 

Jfr». iSwiOA. ** "Wkll, Sib, thsbx wash*t ko Tabts m rr last Webk ; and 

THBT TaLL MB THKHB BE HABDLT XNOUQE SeASONDIO IN IT TO-DAY I" 



TOO GOOD. 

Abroad I take my deyions way 
When flowers their petals new unfold ; 

With hyaointi^ and tolips nty 
My neighhonr*8 garden I behold. 

Had I the leisure and the means 
(Perhaps 'tis best that I haye not), 

I'd grow the like; and I'd rear greens 
And parsnips for my lowly pot. 

Sweet blossoms ! I eojoy their sight 
As mnoh as e'er their owner can. 

But is my pleasure wholly right P 
Their owner is another man. 

Shonld not the pleasure they impart» 
Since they belong to him alone, 

tell me, my misgiving heartl 

Be none of mine, and all his own? 

Methinks that, as I pass along. 
To look npon them I may dare. 

And smell them too, and yet not wrong 
My neighbour when his joy I share. 

1 relished oft a schoolmate's oake. 
Saying within mjrself, ** How nice I " 

I roboed him not. I oonld partake 
His happiness without a uioe. 

I loved ; was not beloved again. 

My love became another's bride. 
But soothed was momentary pain 

With balm which sympathy supplied. 

In fancy I reversed the case ; 

My rival I imaged me ; 
My own self put in that man's plaoe^ 

And felt—and feel—more glsid than he. 



A Beoent Election. 



The reason why Bath preferred Ghel8EA is a very 
obvbus one. It has nothing to do with politics, so the 
Liberal party may dismiss their fears. There was a simi- 
larity of tastes quite sufficient to aoooont for the choice. 
Both Bath and Chelsea are associated with— buns. 



PUNCH'S PICTUBE GALLBBT. 

SnroE the opening of the Boyal Academy Exhibition, a just sur- 
prise has been expiissed that so few pictures are to be found on its 
walls illustrating the stirring times in which we live, and that our 
painters so seldom attempt to depict the remarkable events which 
have happened, both at home and abroad, during the last ten or 
twenty years. 

It at once occurred to Sib Joshua Fbangis Puvch, P.R.A. (Presi- 
dent of the Bight Sort of Academy), that the Artists only reauire to 
bave appropriate subjects suggested to them on proper authority : 
and he therefore proceeded, in the few moments of leisure he could 
snatch from the duties and delights of the Season, to jot down some 
recent historical events of importance, which appeared to him to be 
eminently suitable for pictorial treatment. 

In doing this, the President soon found the contemporary history 
of his own little Island so exuberant in subjects deserving a 
permanent record on canva^ that he was obliged to postpone his 
mtention of offering some addational hints for pictures derived both 
from the Old and the New Hemisphere, India, Spain, China, Japan, 
France, Germany, Italy, America, Australia, Boumania, and the 
Papal States. 

THE GALLEBT. 

The Metropolitan Board of Works deciding on the Demolition of 
Northumberland House. 

The Mob destroying tiie RaOings in Hyde Park. 

H.M.S. Devastatum saluting the old fligship, the Victory ^ at 
Portsmouth. 

The BioffT Hoir. Bobert Lowe, MP. A Triptych :— 

1. MediUting the Match Tax. 

2. Beducing Sugar a Farthing a Pound. 

3. Signing the Cheque for the Alabama Award. 
The LoBD Mayob's Fancy Dress BalL 



A Bitualist Clergyman defying his Bishop and the Judicial Com- 
mittee of the Privy CounoiL ^ « w tr 

The New Licenong Bill— Closing the Doors of a Pubuo-House on 
the First Night of its operataon. „ ^ ,:. xv x^ -*v 

A Debate in Convocation— Are Haasoeks as old as the Fourth 

The oeremony of throwing open the Bridge at Eingston-on- 
Thames free of tolL 
Winchester— A good tunding. , . ,, . ^- 
Mb. Hbnby M. ftcAHLEY in the act of uttering those ever memo- 
rable and never to be forgotten words— "Db. Ltyikostone, I 

presume." 
The Bank Parlour— raising the rate of discount 
Opening of the New Foreign Cattle Market at Deptf ord. 
The Metr^litan Board of Works taking formal possession of 

Tr2!2^ Square by Limelight— Mb. Odoeb addressing the 

^^iSig for the Division— Deceased Wives' Sisters and their 
Brothers-u-Law in Palace Yard. , .^^ ^ . ^ _, .. 

Journeymen Bakers in the attitude of threatening to strike. 

Mb. Aybiof visiting Eew Gardens. 

The first election by Ballot 

The Battle of SalisburyPlain^ 1872. , . ,^ « , 

The Claimant quitting Westnunster HaU— entering the Brougham. 

Arrival in the London Docks of the ship Kangaroo, bearmg the 
first cargo of Australian Preserved Meat 

A Sunday^ Demonstration in Hyde Park. 

Majob-Genebal MABToreALE Mabtiebt assuming the command, 
as Honorary Colonel, of the Twentieth Draroon Guards. 

Anniversary Dinner of the Licensed Higglers' Benevolent Associa- 
tion— the Chairman proposing the Toast of the evening. ' 

The First Patient— Db. Lydia Shacklebpybee in her Consulting 

Equestrian Group^the Lobd Mayob and Sheriffs at Temple Bar, 
February 27, 1872. Diniti7fid hv VT V fK f\/f^ 



TOL. £ZIV« 



800 



PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Mat 17, 1878. 






PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

OB thifl relief nmoh thanks, Lord 
Rkpksdat.k. Tou are yery watohf al, 
our flfood Lord. Ton pointed out to 
your fellow Peen that oertain Gat 
Gompanief are trying a dodg^ They 
want leaTe to inereaae thur prioee, 
permanently, beoanae ooala are dear, 
temporarily. You mean to be down 
upon them at the right moment 
"Steai^ and diligentty" is yoor 
motto, and j^m. are worthy to bear it 
on yovr ahield* More power to its 
EMdes. This waa Monday^ May Uh. 
The Jadioatore Bill was read, hj 
tha Lords, a Third Time, and passeo, 
after a onrioiu littla debate about 
letthq^ Biahojps sit oil the Judicial 
CosBBittee. uxsD Auobbitry did not 
waat tiieir assistuioe. However, he 
withdnw^ his Moibn, but strongly 
objected to be oalleck *'a dtiarter/' 
This is right Quurter is what the 
gallant debater nef«r eiTes. 

In tiie Commona me Member for 
Peterboroufirh (a plaee that has a beau- 
tiful Catheoral and one of tiie oleyerest 
bi^ops ** out," and yet it elects Mr. 
Whallrt) brought i^tha Orion esse 
again, and demanded public assistance 
for tliat person. Mr. Brt7CS snubbeidhim. and bade 
him make his application to the proper offi(»al, and 
not bmig mick maitlers befssseithe House. This 
angered the Member lor Peterbeiongh, as shall be 
Been* 
Ma. Stj^NinDj) iBtradaoai a poction of the Go- 
TemmeiLt Boheme in regmr d to Local Taawtion. and' explained it all, 
a prooess which oooapied necirlf an hour and a half. But at present 
M^dam, all w« need tell you is, that he proposes to rate all s<vts of 
yUnm, Wo(Ki«, Saaday Sohools, Eagfped Schojls, and to exempt only 
Churches and Chapela, and certain Goyernment property. Sir 
Mj^bi^bt LorE2^ deelared that Ministers were actually riveting the 
chaina of thoee whp already laboured under grieyances. 'Tis a dull 
stihieot;, dear Madam, k Soot once introduced into the middle of a 
book on Planting: Pinea, or Cleansiiig the Clyde, or some other serious 
matteT, an mdeoorona and utterly irreleyant story, lufged in by head 
and «ar«, and said he did it because he had be^ told that his work 
** r«miired to be more lively." We doubt whether we could make 
Local Taxatloii lively by a similar process (bating indecorum, of 
couree), but we can try* 

** Our ehalM yoa shan't rivet," 

Sa;» Mabsby, sostout; 
<* ill 'irigbtss a trivet," 

Says Stahbfbld, with flout ; 
** Your befllths in Gleolivst," 
8ii} I Pimcht tbumb to snoot 

Do you feel eheerluUer, M'm ? Then you will be- prepared to 
bear that certain In&bmen tried to spoil Mr.' FAWC«rT*s Dablin 
Univerdty Bill by propa^iD/? to hook on the **Catholio University" 
to the formir. On divi»ii>ii, the House smashed the project oy 
85 to 9. Then Mr. Fawcatt's Bill Passed. 

So Brighton*! Fawobtt, oogle-handefL won 

This Victory— which great Gladstonb had not doae. 

Tui9day.^Th» Lords read, a Second Time, the Bill creating the Three Esilwajr Dictators— the Traffic Triumvirate. 

Sir Charles Dilks made a speech in favour of what he calls redressing the inequalities of the distribution of electoral power* He 
)omplained, for instance, that thm are 100 Members returned by 80.000 electors, and another 100 who represent 1,080,000. He cannot 
lee the constitutional fitness of this, and talked about such a state of things bdng a menace to the peace of the country, at which unwisdom 
'^e House ** murmured." It may be impossible to make Sni Charlbs understand that a small out an educated constituency is likely to 
choose a better Member than a great ignorant crowd, and that Parliament requires sundrv balances, and not a Bule- of -Thumb system, 
yhich would probably induce a great retain of Tom Thumbs. However, Mr. GLADSioins, loudly cheered by the Conservatives, strongly 
apposed the scheme, and soon afterwards the House, impatient, brought matters to an end by cries of " JDivide I " Sir Charles got 
n votes, and those against him were 268. 

Mr. Trevsltah tried to convince a scanty audience, chiefly composed of soldiers, that there ought to be no more appoiutmenta 
o Honorary Coloneloies. Mr. Caruwrll opposed him, and threw out his Motion by 80 to 40. When you consider, Madam, what a 
rlorious being a f ally-uniformed (and not necessarily fully-informed) Colonel is— the nearest approach to an earthly angel— you will 
lot desire that such angelic ai^>aritbns should be few and far between. 

Sir John Lubbock had a very meritorious Bill— one for i^reventing our Vandals from destroying Ancient Monuments— read a 
Second Time, but Mr. Bruce refused to promiw any public funds in carrying the measure into effect. Of course. We can make magnificent 
^resents to foreign arbitrators for fining us heavily in the cause of philanthropy, bat we cannot afford a shilling for tiie preservation of 
aonuments of the days when England neld her own against all the world. The House grew pensive, and let itseu be Counted Out. 

Wednesday.—BiR Wilfrid Lawsof moved the Second Reading of his famous Permissive Bill, the Bill for permitting those 
rho drink water to lock up other liquors from other people. The debate was not unamusing, and morning performances of 
srces are now so common tluit we cannot object to the Westminster Theatre following the fashion. But Mr. Punch is displeased 




Mat 17, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



201 



at the eyidenoe that the Screw is pat on, palpably. 
if the fanatics of abstinenoe. and by the licensed 
yiotnallen. The ** insolence " ot both sides was strongly 
censured, and proof was giren that English gentlemen 
are indignant at dictation. Mx. Bbucx opposed the Bill 
heartily, and it was thrown out by 321 to 81. 

TkHr$dat/.—LaBJ> Bspssdali carried Besolntions f or 
prarnrting tiie Ghis-folks from nermanently raising their 
price. Some day we should like to know why they do 
not, on Bunday sishts^jpat on ptessnre enongh to light up 
our houses properly. The '* dim reUgions light " we get 
on those eyenings elicits remarks which are only rdifions 
in a comminatory senii, and ** dim** become M a nt^lim a n 
injnomoiBiation. 

Bal The Constiltiition wss in danger, for a Momfist 
But the Spxaxxb saved it. The promot«n of a Bradford 
Bill introdfMed it in thi^ Ix^rds, notwitbitanding that it 
ccntBOMdlloDcy OUiise0--Qoii(]ucjt worthy of JoiriZHAir 
BByoVQBD. But Mb. Foabtie instantly nudertook that 
snhausBieiLahoiild b« made^ and we breathed agamn. 

Mb. Baxrb stated that an awful aiuDtmt of tobacco is 
annually destroyed at tbe Custom House — smoked in 
whatisciUedtheQaeen'BPip«}— but that it is aliyery 
bad. Bettsrito, than that it should be sold to our yeath, 
for the«lHtoung of ihair faces, and the stontingafllMir 



.Wkhist on Qaxur agiiii. A«ain snubbed, he de- 
dMrtherilB. Bbucb would prosecute him if he 

certain letters. The Hoia BECBXtAXT referred 

i^ihe AiTOBiriT-GBirBRAL, and the House roared. 

Yet Mb. Whallxt can talk good sense when he has not 
got hold of a crotchet, and m a subsequent debate he 
pointed out that a fine of iorif shillings would not deter 
the Liverpool Liberals from choking up their register 
with <ttilaous yotas, particularly Irishmen. 

MB.LoeiB 4niiht act to haye been asked a questu>n 
about 8sBiaBls,JMKfiBg himself had an unpleasantness 
with an lasoiflit Teetotal Butler, whom, we are happy to 
say, he def ealed in open Covrt Asd, Madam, we aio 
quite sure that yon would ambnd the tme and lady- 
like courage whidi prompted Mb8. I/ywx, whom the 
fellow had msulted, to appear and giye testimony against 
him. Bham fine ladies would haye declared that they 
should faint away if asked to do a reasonable act like 
that Kindly ring the bell for your butler, '* a spirit of 
another sort,^' as we should like, respeetfully, to drink 
to Mbs. Lowb's health. To proceed. Mb. Hbrmon (has 
he any fine mountain dew, as his namesake in ancient 
writ had f) asked whether, if the Chavcbllob op thb 
ExcHZQUXB gaye a party, he would pay the tax on his 
extra waiters. Mb. Lows was qnito certain that he 
would do nothing of the kind. 

There was a good deal of miscellaneous talk, but we 
fear that it must haye been dull, for the Euro op tbb 
Bbloiahs lo(dLed into the Qalkry of Honour, but stayed 
only ten minutes. 

JVufay.—LoBD Btjsskll made his first appearanea this 
Session, out showed that he meant to make up foi- lost 
time, moying for three seto of papm, on the subjects 
whereof (Irish) he promised that their LoFdahipa should 
hear mieehes. They were so delightad that thoj 
instantly rose to go home and tell the good news to their 
Peeresses and the younger ladies. Obserye the esquieito 
delicacy of the comparatiys. All ladies sere young, 



" ToimgnMs is vcur fint law. Vat this eonfait, 
Some are, and must be, younger than the rest" 

Mb. Etbtk spoke out for the Police, who hsye-maay 
giieyaaees, and shall haye our aid in procuring redress, 
A great deal moro ought to be done lor the braye and 
miMh too-goodnatured xellows who at the risk of life and 
limb, keep the brutal ** roughs" in some kind of order. 
Mb. Bbucb made the usual ofiioial reply, and praised 
CoLOHBL HkNDBBaoK. who deseryeSy we oelioye, all the 
praise ho lecoiyed. But 

mien it's a ease of fair play to Imye Bobbr 
Xet trery good Mcmbor select the light lobby. 

Mb. PxTiB Tatlob's grieyance about a man who, it 
was alleged, receiyed extra sentence for langhing at 
the Shifihal Magistrates, came up again. The ATXOBiniT- 
OsNXBAL rose this time, dignus vmdiee nodaSf and Mb. 
PxTEB got something wuch he would not haye had from 
the mild Mb. Bbugb. Sib Jomr made great fun of 



Mb. Tatlob*8 grieyanoe-mongering. and stated that the decent and tidy man 
for whom he was making fight rot ^' mad drunk " lour times in four years. 

Should you be surprised to hear, Madam^ that Mb. Whallxy got at Obtoit 
again, for the third timo in fiye days, and tried to drag him in on a Bankruptcy 
Court yoto, on the ground that Obtok had been a Banlmipt. It is true. He 
tried to explode seyeral times, but was '*sat upon," the House roaring. 
Finally he complained of the ** insolent " manner in which he was treated, but 
a cry arising, he withdrew the word. Mr, Punches best compliments and con- 
gratulations to the deotors of Petorboioiif h on their Eepresentatiye Man. Aro 
theyo^WHAUiBsP 



LIQUOR LAW LOQIC. 




owcKfiNTFG the Per- 
misaive Prohibitory 
Member for Carlisle 
OB Ms leg's and his 
hobby, ui>on Wed- 
tiesday Ust, the 
Time9 is bo Hatter- 
ing as to aay that : — 

**He coiild not oon- 
rince biB oppoaents, 
but ho droY« Bome of 
them into a corner. 
Mr. Dalktmplb, for 
inatflnce^ who etUI pro- 
poses to lock up the 
dnmkard, Wfti jw^t- 
^&\y aske<i wbether 
ihvTa viuuiil not be 

Suite M muob reston 
1 locking up the 
dxink." 

If Mb. Dalbtkpui did not instantly bolt out of his comer, and oyer his ques- 
tioner, he could haye been withheld only by unilatoral regard to a two-sided 
proyerb of the wise King's! There woula no^ be as much reason in locking up 
the drink as in looking up the drunkard. By locking tip the drunkard, you 
preyent him from domg harm. You do not at the same time preyent nim 
from exercising a power of doing good ; because he is drunk and incapable. 
But, by locking up the drink, you do not only preyent it from doing hsirm to 
the sots who abuse it, but you also hinder it from doing good to the sober 
who use it in moderation to the refreshment of ^eir bodies^ and solace and 
satisfaction of their minds. In thus answering a certain description of reascner 
according to the measure of his wisdom, with a yisw to rectify, if not his own 
estimato of it. at least that which may haye beoi formed thereof bjr otiiers, it is 
humbly hoped that the mistake has not been committed of beoominf like unto 
him. 

Tho Nomenolatore of Ficttoa. 

Is a new dsss of titles for Noyels coming into yogueP Or aio tho Noyels 
themsdyes going to be meteorological, like our oonyersation ? It looks so, when 
we see adyertised, the one under the other, Wild Wither and ^ruiht Morn- 
ing. Plenty more names of the same sort could be suggested^The Rainy 
D aj, Ap ril Showers, Something in the Wind, Angry Clouds, All in a Fog, 
A Storm Brewisg, »c. 

Shavings. 

A Mmehvo of Carpenters and Joiners, in Lambeth, the other eyoninir» 
resolyed to memorialise their employers for an adyance of wages by one hidf- 
penny an hour. If their demand be complied with, let us hope these British 
workers in wood will know a deal bettor than to expend the increment of thehr 
earnings in any description of beyerage^ * ""^ ^" '^ * ' 

'' timberdoodle." 



'd^^fffm ^~ 



202 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Mat 17, 1878. 




AFTERNOON TEA. 

Study of a Bashfitl Man, who has priyatklt told an AmrsiNa Sfory to the Host, and has been beqihested by hiic to 

KEPEAT IT ALOUD FOB THE BENEFIT OF THE COMPANY. WE HAVE TRIED TO DEPICT THE WRETCHED INDIVIDUAL AT THE PRECISE 

MOifENT When, having managed to Stammer through two-thirds of his Anecdote (which is rather long), he becomes 

CONSCIOUS, ALL OF A SUDDEN, THAT HE HAS COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN THE POINT. 



THE SCOTTISH CRAZE. 

Thb t7i>ioal Sootohman, if a reader of the Eecord, miut haye 
perused with mingled feelings of pride and horror the subjoined 
paragraph:— 

'* The Bsfosm Club and Sundays.— A.t the Anniisl Meeting of the 
memben of the.Beform Glab. held on TtajorMUj last, Lord Bbubt presiding 
— a atrong nrotest wai made bjr Sia John M asEAY, of PhUiphaugn, against 
the uae of the billiard and card rooms on Bandays, He moved a reaolution 
that an order should be given to close the rooms on those days* The resolu- 
tion was supported, and, after considerable discusilon, an OTerwhelming 
majority of the memoers decided npon keeping the rooms open." 

Sawvxt cannot but feel proud of Bie Joilet Mueeiy, of Fhilip- 
haugh, for the valiant testunony borne by that uadaunted Beot m 
Che attempt, wherein eren failure was glorious, to Yindioate in the 
faoa of^ the Beform.Club .the obserYanae of the Boottiab Sawbbath. 
Bat neiUier can Sawnbt not he horritied by the deter mLnation of the 
Reform Club to suffer cards and billiards within their walla of a 
Sunday. For Sawnbt is the subject vi a Exed idea that, apart from 
gambling, yioioos on any day of the week, it is sinful to play cards 
or billiards on the first, which he eoufoutids with the aeTeatb, to be 
observed as it was appointed to be by tbe Jewi^ with certain Pres- 
byterian additions of his owitt i^d thai kept ia a @coto-Judaic 
holiday. 

Ana Sawvxt does not ask himself whether he would not inyade 
religioas liberty^ if he shnt the card and billiard rooms of a Club, 
comprising Jewish members, in the faces of those gentlemen on his 
own Sawbbath and not theinu 

Perhaps Sawkst is afraid that things will ultimately go so far as 
to be managed here as thcT are in France ; so that, one <n these fine 
mornings, £e will be shocked by an announcement correiponding, 
for London, to the statement, in Monday^s Fall Mall Gaz^Ue^ 
respecting Fferis, that :— 

*^ M. Thisbs attended the races in the Bois de Boulogne yesterday. He 
had preTioualy reoeiTed the Eimo op Naples." 



To receiye. the KiNe of Naplss on a Sonday was probably bad 
enough, in the estimation of Sawitbt ; bat afterwards to go to the 
races, and that for the mler of a nation, was it not absolntely 
awf a' P Sawitst may well shndder as he imagines himself reading 
of a similar iinpiety announced as haying been committed by a suc- 
cessor of Mb. Gladsioits. 



SKIRTS IN THE STREET. 



A coNOjnsioir, which the organ of millinery appears to consider 
great, has been made by Fashion to Ckmunon Sense and Cleanliness. 
According to Le Folkt *' the out-door morning dresses " for Hay 
*' are made just to touch, or even to clear the ground." How ultra- 
reasonable and how exceedingly pure must be the skirts of the latter 
description, those which are so moderately long that they do not so 
much as quite touch the ground, but even actually dear it I Of 
some of these morning dresses the length has been retrenched to the 
immaculate extremity of deariog the ground to the extent of almost 
an inch I For, as to obe of them :— 

"It was of dttst-coloured poil de chdrre, with narrow hair-stripes of a 
darker shade. The skirt was about an inch from the ground, and had five 
orossway flounces bound with green at the lower edge, and occupying about 
half the skirt ; at the top of these there was a green ruche an inch sad a half 
wide." 

For crcflnray flounces, especially, those flounces are of coune the 
best adapted of whioh the lowermost one does not sweep the crossing. 
In that case the '* dust-coloured poil de chSvre " flounce admits of 
relief in being *' bound with green at the lower edffe." But other- 
wise it would yery soon get that gayer tint obwurea and assimilated 
to its own, whilst it acted as a besom. 



(xnreEVouB couplxs. ^<-^ t 

If there 's a well-matched pair in marri^K]^ Q i C 
It is a Horsey Man and Nagging Wit. O 



PUNCH, OB THE LONDON OHABIYABL^Mat 17, 1873. 




THE PRELATES PUZZLED; 

OR, « WHAT WILL THEY DO WITH IT?" 

Abohbishop of Castebbxtbt. *'IF I KNOW HOW TO DBAL WITH THE aiIESTION» MAY I BE-AHEMl— 
DISESTABLISHED I '' 

Abchbuhop op Yobx. '' IF I EKOW WHAT TO SAY IN THE MATTER, MAY I BE-AHEM I-DISENDOWED I " 



Digitized by 



Google 



Mat 17, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



205 



THE INCOMPLETE ANOLER.. 

Cha?ixb l.^A Conferenee between an Anjfkr^ o^MmtfTiMnd a 
Hawker— What came of it* 

THE FIBST DAT. 

FiSCATOB. YXKAIOIU AVdPS. 

PkeeOor.YoxL^xe 
well oTirtaken^Gen- 
tlemedi I A food 
moTBlnf to you 
both ! I hop* your 
btiEimeig amr OM*- 
«ion yoa fcwvrcb 
Wafe,wfaith6rlan 
^dn^ tbii fin* May 




titbe 
Hftwker. 



My ware 
'on of my 
I Am a 
You may 



know tl»t from mf 
paek^ 

Vemaiar, And I, 
^tr, am a simple 
fltint«r, thongb yon 
uould not oome at 
tJmt knowledge, iee- 
i Of me without my 
y««k. 

Pweator. I am 
right glad to hear 
your answers. lam, 
air, a Brother of the 
Alalia 

Aueept. Macry^IliadASiBteriA aCinli. flhalmofWAGoIum- 
bine. 

Pmoo^. Nay, you nlrttko my nianiflr* I Mi is Imnst fishffr- 
man. and Ipurpoee taking my momfaig onp at tho ** Walih Harp." 
Venator. Sir, I shall by your f ayour bear you company, for, in 
sooth, I do begin to nustrost the coming of a fox in my way, this 
May morning ; and, indeed, my horse and I haying parted at the 
last privet hedge, he preferring to remain on one side while I oame 
oyer on to the other, I doubt whether I shall oome up with the 
hounds,^ which, if I am rightly informed, are appointed to meet 
some miles hence. 

Fieeator. Here is the ** Bald-faced Stag." Let us turn into it, 
and refresh ourselyes with a cup of drink, and a rest 
Aueeps. Most gladly. Sir. This is very excellent ale. 
Fieeator. I exchange courtesies with you both. A small glass of 
Oeneya thrown into it, thus, leayens the whole, like a spice of Oal- 
yinism in the Thirty-nine Articles. 
Aucepe. Ay, and assists to setde it : like an arbitration. 
Venator. Sirs, your diBCOurse charms me to an attention. 
Fieeator. Why then« Sir. I will take a litde liberty to propoee to 
you that one should be at charges for the oUier. 

Venator. Nay, Sir 

Fieeator. I accept your courtesy. Hostess, take my young friend 
Masub Ybkatob^s proffered coin. 

Aueepe. Prithee stay your hand an instant I will try chances 
with you. good Sir, to discoyer idiich of us two shall discnarge the 
score of we three. 

Venator. Nay, Sir, I cry you mercy 

Aueepe. Marry, you should haye cried *' Heads," for 'tis ** Tails," 
and jrou haye lost 

Fteeator. I am glad we are on the road once more. We shall 
soon oome to where the riyer will stop our morning's walk. 
Venator. me I I haye lost my cigar-case. 
Aueepe. Nay, Sir, neyer look so downcast at this ill-stroke. I 
haye in my pack two bundles of cigars from the Hayannahs, all 
excellent good, which I am minded to let you have a rare bargain. 
See how brown and glossy is their appearance: tied about, too. with 
a yellow fillet Many there be those of high degree who should not 
deal with me at one shilling a-piece. But, since your presence and 
fair conyersation like me, you shall haye them for sixpence each, 
uid I protest this ii, as it were, to bestow them with an open hand. 
Do you smoke, Mb. Fibgatob ? 

Fieeator. I do, Sir, in good truth. Indeed I haye a soffioiency of 
the Wb, in my pouch, for my own wants. Were I not thus for- 
nished, I would— while our yery young friend Ybnatob is counting 
his money, apart and out of h^iring^ would. I say, take a liberty 
to inouire three things of you. liretb/. Of what colour is the 
grass P Secondly, Do you notice a reflection of that colour in either 
of my eyes f And, thirdly. Are you, as a sportsman, soffioiently 



skilled in the art of approaching a weasel with so neat caution that 
he shall not be disturbed by your footsteps, and therewith proceed- 
ing so skilfully to shaye off ms eyebrows, that the creature shall not 
discoyer your trick until he be awoke ? 

Aueepe, Marry, Sir, I think I do pereeiye your meaning. Silence 
issilyemP 

Fieeator. A]r, now. Sir, you talk like an artist Nay, I am not 
to be put off with less than seyoLaad thcM, mark yon, good. 

Aueepe. Give me your hand. Thers, Sir. 

Venator. Honest AuoiPt, here are two pounds ten for one bundle. 

Aueepe. It is a match. Sir. Marry, hm is one tiiat strikes only 
on its OWB box. And now. Gentlemen, I must part with you at this 
nark-wi^ for which I am yery serry. But, I assure you. Mr. 
FiBOiSKft^ that, howeyer fishr I may hate hitlMrto considered your 
geJMwl conduct, yet I now part with you full of good thoughts, not 
oaly of yourself, but your recreation. Heayen keep you both. 

Fieeator. Well, now honest Atjobps is gone, Mb. YEirATOB, I will 
tillyou all I know about angluic. 

Venator. Sir, ay patience and diligence shall not be wanting. 
But I would fint ask you if yfm, can teach me how to jerk a coin m 
the air so it f idl this or that side uppermost, as you shall list 

Fieeator. 0, Sir, doubt not, 'tis an art, whereof honest Auckps is 
a master. Favour me with half-a-crown, and I will show yon how 
tbvieat may be suitably accomplished. Nay, this is an indifferent 
piete. 

Venator. Harry, Sir, it was one given me in change by honest 
Avmm. But here is another. * 

PUcaton You dntt pot my skiU to the trial when we haye 
br«i.kfa«ted. 

Vmatfir, I woidd I had breakfasted ere I had attempted that cup 
d ale and these aipuau 

Pigcat^r, Nj&y, Sr. you look pale. Here is the " Weldi Harp." 
HottetSi liow do ypa r I wUl myself see this poor young gentieman 
safelf iK^stowed in bed. Now, Hostess, a cup of your best, and 
brti&klast at once. 

Soeteee. I will do it, Mb. Fisoatob, and with all the speed I can. 



AN SSTEAORDINABY GHAIB. 

Thebb has been a conference at tiie Hall of the Olothworkers' 
Company, to consider the best means of promoting technical educa- 
tion m connection with the clotii trade. One of tne si>eakers at the 
meeting was in favour of the establishment of " an itinerant chair, 
with an eminent man at its head^ to teach physics and chemistry in 
the most important clothing districts in the country." 

This proposition is as hard as any in Euclid. It presents three 
almost insurmountable obstadee. First of all, the notion of an 
itinerant chair— a chair on its lefi[s journeying from place to place, 
is not easy to take in. But we will suppose tms difficulty overcome, 
by the kind assLstance of the Railway Companies, and that the chair 
is fairly started on its travels— the position of the eminent man at 
its head, not, be it obeerved, as u ordinarily the case, seated on its 
bottom, does strike us as uncomfortable, dangerous, and for anv 
length of time well-nigh impossible. No salary, however liberal, 
oould compensate the most eminent man for being placed in such a 
situation. Then| lastiy, highly intelligent as modem chairs and 
tables appear to be, not even the most confirmed spiritualiBt has at 
present succeeded in finding a piece of furniture competent " to 
teach physics and chendstry." 

Unluckily, we have not had the advantage of a technical educa- 
tion, or this magic chair, which it was soggested might go about the 
oountry, with an eminent man at its headl teaching natural philoso- 
ihj in the clothing districts, would probably appear as simple a 
''- — as logarithms or local taxation* 



pay u 
thingi 



Proverb and Freacription. 

Teat " what 's enough for one 's enough for two," 

The saying is but in a measuro true ; 

That is, a physiologist might say. 

For each, of his or ner three meals a day. 



Science Gk>ssip. 

BoTAEnsis have observed that the langna^ of flowers is not a 
faculty developed alike in all blossoms, borne possess it moro than 
others. For instance, flowers of speech haye it to a remarkable 
extent 

THE NBEDFUL LA.W BBFOBX. 

Thbbe is one glaring deficiency in the Lobd Chakcellob's Judi- 
cature BilL No clause provides for the creation of a Lord Cheap 
Justice. 



206 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Mat 17, 187S. 



MPm 




SELF-SACRIFICE. 

JBoy {(o Lady Visitor), " Tkachxb, thirb's a Oal oyer thbbb a Winkin' at ksI *' 

Teacher. " Wsll» then, dom't Look at hsb I " 

Bay. *' But it I don't Look at bss, shk 'll Wink at Somirodt else f" 



ACADEMY EHTMES. 

(From the Margin of Mr. Punches Catalogue,) 

FiBfli Batch. 

[MoUo of the Catalogue : ** Labor ei tngeniumJ^) 

Should % mountain in labour be our Art's deTioe, 
WhoM " In^fenium et labor " brings forth* mostiy, mice ? 

(5. " Sanctuary.''- J. Psthk, AR.A) 

When J. P. painted these blaek nnns 

And yeUow f nrltiye, I bet, he 
Said, smiling, to nimself. " Bar pnns, 

Whatever my work is, it 's not ' Petth,' » 

(11. "An Irish Weaver.^^k. Stocks.) 

** The right man in the right plaoe" give me still: 
And Manchester while Fenian riot shocks. 
What place oonld ** Irish Weaver " better fill, 
Than that he is assigned to here— A. Stocks P 

(12. •* Cordelia.''- J. B. Bidfobd.) 

This sweet and sorrowfol Cordelia f—'^etver^ 
Nor more than a live torrent is a dead ford I 

Let 's own the painter careful, even clever ; 
But our Cordelia never lived in Bedford. 

(13. O, Norman^ Esq. 36 W. Spottiswoode. Esq. 214. The Duke 
of Cleveland. 281. ** The ProdigaL" 915. Miss May Prinsep. 
— G. F. Watts, E.A) 

The men starved, sallow, shirtless all, to booti 
Fair ICay in Ulster slop and worst of hats ! 

Such shabby get-up Prodigals may suit ; 
But belles and swells I— we ask what 's oome to Watts P 



(28. "A Lion in ike Path:'''T. P. Poole, B.A) 

That undad traveller, bare sword in hand, 
Advanciug on the Einff of Beasts, looks oool : 

Figures so so, as usual ; landscape, grand : 
Think of a naked man, turned out by Poole I 

(44. '* Good-night." 126. '* Take, O take tkose Lips away^ 
181. "^ MonnUght Serenade." 215. " Victory." 232. W. 
E. Elwyn^ Esq.—?. H. Caldbroh, R.A) 

For Mamma* well— let 's oall her fair, not pale : 
For baby, ne'er was bonnier, brighter, balder 'nn : 

But still— isn't the subject rather stale P 
A crih is not all one expects from Caldeboh. 

As for his " Victory " and " Serenade "- 
In neither is the point of the subject miss'd : 

The storv 's dear, oharaoters well portrayed ; 
What^s Caldsboit, if not a dramatist P 

Ha, Mb. Elwth, are you there P I twig you. 

Where PortraiU are so good 'tis good to show 'em: 
But ** take, toke those fips away," I beg you, 

For they don't speak the spirit of the poem. 



(20. 



•• The Fishing Raven." 35. " Smg and Accompaniment'^ 
227. *' Fishing by Proxy."- J. C. Hook, E.A. 

In this fair lassie's basin, fiae fat mussels ; 

Her duffle bed-gown's arms, too, muscles brave in, 
With laden creels and long lines fit for tussles ; 

Yes, a Hook's the thing for a fishing Haven I 

And when he sets this young nurse-tender tinkling 
With spoon on can, by way of '* hush-a-bye|" 

** The Boatie rows " comes back to one in a twinkling ; 
'Tis Hook and ear, as well as Hook and eye. 



Mat 17, 18T3.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



SOT 




COMPLIMENTARY. 

ArUsL "Well, you sbs, I got dsto a eaob, and took out the hn puk- 

•CIPAL FlOUBBS, ALL THE SkT, ASJ> MOST OT THE BaCKQ&OUND." 

FrimUL *• What a wowderfxil Impboymmmnt, to be sure t " 



CAB BEFOEIL 

Pbizu for improved Cabs haye been generoTialy 
offered, and ipeoimens of new yebioles are now being 
exhibited, which we may hope, if we live lon^ enongh, 
to see some day in public nae. When we have miproyed 
our Cabs, perhaps we may begin to hope for some im- 
provement in onr Cabbies, for which it may begranted 
there is actually room. Who drives clean Hansoms 
shonld himself be clean, not in person merely, but in 
raiment and in speech* So, piojeoting our prophetic 
mental eye into the fntore, we can see the British 
Cabman oonrteons, civil, deajily, cheerfnl^ and content- 
edly receiving his proper leffal tare. A Cab will be no 
longer a mere vemde of aonse. and its driver will no 
more offend against ^e laws oi grammar, or show his 
lack of chivalry when a fair lady is his fare. Instead 
of slamming the door savagely, and blurting out, 
*' Yere toP'' he will perform the shntting softly^ and 
say gently, " May I bw. I%r, to know the destination to 
which I heme to nave the honour of oonductinff you P " 
Moreover, far from groidinf out '*Yot'sthisr" when 
tendered his right fare, he will bow politely, and accept 
it with a smile and a civil phrase A tiuus. Indeed, 
there is no telling at what an altitude of refinement our 
Cabmen may arrive, when their caniafes have been 
improved. They majr actually abstain from smoking in 
their Cabs while waiting for a hire, and their manners 
may become so altered for the better that the title of the 
Growlers will be exdianged for that of Smilers, while the 
Hansoms may by synonym be hailed as the Polites. 

aUESTION AND ANSWER. 

Seett-two thousand Members of the Church of 
Eneland, and more, have memorialised the Archbishops 
with a oomplaint tiiat Roana doetrine is systematically 
preached in Anglican pulpitB. '* If it were so it were a 
grievous fault,'' the pleaders for Pseudo-Popery admit : 
^* but then," they say, *' we must settle what is Boman.'^ 
That may seem no ea«y thing for anybody to do. and 
clearly, if the Pops, and no one else, is infallible, 
BMnanism can be defined with certainty by the Roman 
Pontiff himself alone ; but, if the word of his head-man 
in this nation is to be taken for what is Roman, then, 
as to the fact that Roman doctrines are preached within 
the Bstablished Church, it is only certain that Db. 
MAKHiKe has said so, and exulted in it ; that is alL 



FUhing hy Proxy " in a Surrey brook P 
Long may such cormorants be nere unknown, 
A fisher at first hand may use a Hook ; 
Fishers by proxy should leave Hooks alone. 

(72. " Th^ JRwntowi."— G. D. Lislib, A.R.A.) 

Wherefore a triptych f And why all so sallow f 
Is your fount Viehy water, sought expressly 

To cure these maidens d the jaundiee yellow r 
Purer skins, please, and shapeUer arms, my LeslibI 

(64. •• Wrmrf."-PmB Geahakb.) 
See how the Scotch firs bow beneath the breeze ; 

How the cloudHMarts fiy, and the spate foams brown I 
They may abuse you, Peieb, as they please : 

You've raised the wind, and who shall put you downP 

['' The Tkr9e SUUrs:' J. Abchke, R.aA.) 
When this keen Abchbr asked these three to sit 

For hnn to shoot at, he was dazzled, maybej 
The two sweet elder sisters he has hit, 

But, somehow, as it strikes us, missed the baby. 

(108. ''The Last Evening:' 121. " The CapUMd Daughter:'^ 

J. TiSSOT.) 

English and French, 'tis said, see through two glasses. 

But what JoHW Bull ooula more right English show. 
Than he who paints these English tars and lasses P 

Who dares say 'tian't, iriien Punch says Tes-sot P 

(21. Mr9. Heugh, at. n. 29. 

Biichoffsheim. 260. *' New 

Stemdaie Bennett. 1085. " DreaiiM."— J:e. Mniiis, R.A 

Hbuoh! Eheul— No! Time, by this hand is stayed 
Painter and sitter worthy of each other. 



*' Early Days.*' 228. JkTre. 
Laid Egge.'* 598. Sir W. 
«."-J.E. 



SmQe, RracBBAjfixE's ghost : approve, Yela8Q!UBz'8 shade ! 
OimMiLLAES one of a thousand, and your brother. 

Both of life's entrance and its exit doors 

He in his potent pencil holds the key, — 
See Infancy its kitten hugs, in fiowers. 

And Age awaits the hour that sets it free. 

Rich Splendour flaunts in {ewela and in laee. 
And Country Innooenoe in gems more rare : 

And musio breathes from Bebbbtt's gentle face. 
And fond, fair Dreams sadden a face as fair. 

'Tis iMurd to gauge our own at their true rate : 
Small, throu|$ IHme's mist, looms large: large, near, 
looks small: 

But if thou be not great among the great, 
My M£LLAi8,^PtiiicA, henceforth, false prophet call. 



DOMESTIC EXPECTATIONS. 

Clbablt. Servants now-a-days are not to be contented with mere 
pigment of their wages. To judge by this advertisement, they have 
more than mere pecuniary expectations, when they condescend to 
apply for a new place :— 

" A thorouffh Housemaid, where men-MrvanU are kept. Christian privi- 
leges expected." 

What are the Christian privileges which this young lady expects P 
Church- or chapel-^iog ooubtleM may be reckoned in their number, 
and possibly flirtation may likewise be included, or why should she 
have stipulated that men-servants should be kept P Another Chris- 
tian privilege may be the wearing of the dresses of her mistress on 
a Sunday: at least this is a privilege which some maid-servants 
in Christendom are pretty sure to exercise, if they can get the 
chance. 



S08 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHAMVARI. 



[Mat 17, 187S. 




PROFESSIONAL CAUTION. , 

Mr. Bhuhag {wl for a Day's Shooting wUh his Articled Clerk). ** Stop a Mikute— don't Fibe I^Let *8 ssb if that Bird 's in the 

Schedule H " 



CRITICISM. 

Ms. PuirCH seldom quotes, except when he is in a fit of admira- 
tion. He is now in a perfect conmltion, caused by that aektiment. 
Read this, from the Momina Advertiser ('tis part of a IoycIj; notice 
of the Boyal Academy), ana rejoice that artists haye such critics to 
appreciate them : — 

** Mr. Val Pbimoip contribatas two eiamplei, one of whioh lepfeieiitt a 
scene in the oountry of the Gadarenes, illustratire of a herd of twine niihing 
down fome preoipitoua.and jagsed oUfia into Uie sea. It if bold, and iMsen- 
tially noTel in treatment it la ofJled *' The Qadarene Swine " (988). Two 
Udlet ascending the staireaae in ** DeTonthire House " (896) it a totally 
different subject, showing that Ma. Pjuncbp is not limited either in reiouroes 
or power." 

*' Mb. Yal " is slightly familiar, th^ Catalogue merely giyin^r the 
gentleman's initial ; but the Critic would probably haTe us infer 
an intimacy between himself and Mr. P. The eziatenoe of this is 
the more probable, inasmuch as the Painter's name is spelt wrongly, 
twice. Of the ** scene" depicted it is eyident that the (Mtic never 
heard at all. But we entirely af:ree with his last jnroposition ; 
namelv, that a painting of two gracious youn^ ladies going ui>-stairs 
to a dance is ^' totally different " from a painting of scTeial littie 
black pi^s going down a cliff into the Sea. On the whole, however, 
puch oritioiBm is hardly fair to the patrons of the Morning Adver^ 
tiser^ whose parlours are usually adorned with works of Art whioh 
show that their owners are imbued with true aesthetic principles. 



Bomantio Nonsenfle. 



It is pretty weU understood that there is a large and inflaential 
section of the Community— unmarried ladies looking out for a 
settiement, an establishment, a position— who do not agree with the 
author of a modem noem, that Love is JBnoisgh. Many other things, 
they say, are wanted besides— such as a town and a oountry house, 
a carriage or two, saddle horses, some creditable jewellery, perhaps 
a box at the Opera, and, above all, plenty of pin-money. 



FOOLS AND FIEEWORKS. 



It is now some time sinoe there has been an illumination, such as 
was heretofore customary on certain festivals, of St. Peter's at Rome. 
Can that discontinuance of a popular exhibition of fireworks account 
for the oircumstanoe thus stated by a contemporary's Roman oorre- 
spondentP 

'< The silly and dastardly habit of throwing exploding missiles in the neigh- 
bourhood of places of wonhip, and sometimes in the yery midst of ,the con- 
gregation, continues to be occasionally practised at Rome. An instance took 
place on Sunday last. at the Church of Santa Maria in Trasterere,. which was 
▼cry much crowded, when a petard, only consisting of gunpowder tightly 
bound with paper, but sufficiently noisy to produce a great deal of alarm, was 
diMharged in the external portion of the church." 

Surely the Roman populace have not turned Protestant ! When 
they fling crackers into Catholic churches it can only be to hint to 
the ecclesiastical authorities their dissatisfaction at missing their 
accustomed pyrotechnic displays. They doubtless as little intend 
any demonstiation of thsir religious feeunn as our own Cads do on 
the Fifth of November, when they use to fling about explosive pro- 
jectiles in memory of the Gunpowder Plot. The Roman Rough is 
probably ignorant of the claims to canonisation which might be 
advanced on behalf of Gut Fawkes, incendiary and martyr. 



LaW| Ancient and Modern. 



" In a case in the Common Pleas on Friday, in whioh a well-known lady 
applied for, and obtained, a rale for a new trial, a prerious ▼erdict^being 
against evidence, Mb. Suusamt Ballantii» handed up to the Bench the 
garments for the price of whioh she had been sued. * Qod bleis me ! ' said 
the LoBD Chibf justich, astounded at the charges." 



Wheit Phbthb^s counsel off her mtntie threw, 

The Court decided for her ** on the view." 

Our modem Phbtki British virtue knows, 

And veils her charms, but sends the Court her clothes. 



pogI( 



^ >7 JoMpk Smita. of Wo. II. WolferS Sq«w«.tB tte Pwlah oC St. ift««. OI«rk*awtU, la the Oofut 
ibrr«i,iata«Pr«eiaet»rWklt«frian,iaca« jitj«cijoaSfaa,udraMi*aMlb9MW| 



»U, la the Oofuty «r M tdilMm, M th« PrtaHaf oflew ot McMn. Bradbvr. af««w. a Oo., hamUxA 
, at Mo. SI. PiMt StTMt, la ta« Fartaa of SkJiiat, Oltj oC I«>aaaa.-«4t«aa4T, IU7 17. IVt. 



Mat H. 187S.1 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAWVARI. 



209 




PATRIOTISM. 

Pint Riveller, ** Chanosh'lor 'Sboheqitee sratsus we Drunk otjr8hilvb8 

OUT O' TH' AmBRIOAN DlPr'ULTTl" 

Seeond BtveUer, *' Jubh bho! Then let*8H fr'vidb 'gaiksht possh'blb 

r'sHULTS 0* l^EMHT {hic) 'Nt*NA8H-AL AeB TRA-SH-N I I 1" 



A BBITON ON THE BALLOT. 

My Enlen I have oaiuo to blen, 

Albeit none ftt all too soon : 
Bat 0, the Ballot, I oonfoM, 

To me has prored a predons boon. 

I was bnt in a meitsnre taught 
To think what it wonld do for me, 

And« till I got it. neyer thought 
How great a blessing it would be. 

To Tote as oonsoienoe might require 
That 'twould enable me, I knew ; 

As well unmindful of the 'Squire, 
As reckless of the Parson too. 

But now, besides, I also find 
It stands between me and the strong, 

In Union, League, or Club oombined, 
Unto whose party 1 belong. 

I *m free to Tote as any bird ; 

An ox no longer in a drove. 
No sheep nor pig in flock or herd : 

Now I 'm an independent cove. 

And other fellows, if they please, 
Both oan, and will too, TOte alone ; 

And not in swarms, the same as bees. 
Instead of queen that serve a drone. 

They'll vote for steady men and sure, 
who '11 rights preserve and wrongs amend, 

And British prox>ert7 secure. 
And British liberties defend. 

I question if the great and good, 
Who gave the Ballot, fully knew 

What thev were at, or understood 
Quite all the wonders it would do. 



Legml InteUigeno*. 

The Court of Queen's Beneh, Westminister, at Nui 
Prius^ the other day, was occupied during nearly the 
whole of it with the tnal of a running-down case. This 
is a lawsuit, dears, altogether different from an action 
for slander or libel. 



COOKEEY AND CRIBBEET, 

WoBTHT Jfr. Punchy although by nature the reverse of niggardly 
or skimping, I am perforce a praetioal economist ; for. having a 
small inoome and rather a large family. I find it needful to econo- 
mise that I may make ends meet Indeed, with mutton chops at 
fifteen pence a pound, it is no euty matter now to make ends (purse 
ends) meat ; and one might certainly be tempted to become a vege- 
tarian, if asparagus were only not so ruinous in price. 

Now, I observe that at South Eensingion duly lessons in plain 
cookery are given for the benefit of people Mke myself, who have to 
make the best of what is not too bad to eat With the best of 
things, indeed, one may set but a bad dinner, if one has the mis- 
fortune to be served bv a bad cook. So I welcome with delight any 
effort that is made to further the advanoement of the culinary art, 
which certainly in England faUs short [of such perfection as leayes 
nothing to be wished. 

That man, I ima^e, is deserving of a statue who simply teaches 
ladies what to do with their cold mutton, in order to secure its re- 
appearance on the table in a palatable shape : and he who further 
oan invent some ingenious dleviation from the ordinary course, or 
courses, d our dinners, I consider as a noble benefactor to his 
species, whose achievements should be blazoned on the deathless 
bcroll of Aune. 

But there is one point which, I fancy, as yet has escaped notice 
in this useful School of Cookery, and one on which, were I tiie 
Lecturer, I should plainly say some words. The point is that of 
Per^uisites—which^zor sake of proper emphasis, please to print widi 
a big P. Perquisites, I fancy, are one of the chief causes that 
ruin English Cookery, and make our Cooks dishonest and their 
dishes vapid, tasteless, and unworthy of their cost For instance, 
over-fattened meat is purchased for the sake of conversion into 
dripping, an end which rearing fires are facile to promote. The best 

Sart of the gravy is thus dried out of the beef, and its place supplied 
ut badly with hot water from the tap. In short, wnile Cooks are 

VOL. Lzrr. 



dazzled by the golden vision of their perquisites, thev cannot keep a 
proper eye upon their spits and stewpans, and the Black DoU of the 
Done-shop is the idol whereto sacrifice of made dishes is made. 

A Course of Lectures upon Cookery can, I think, be hardly perfect 
without mention d this idol, and the evils which its worship must 
inevitably work. Down with the Black Doll I then, A ba$ la Pirn- 
pie Noire! cry I to all our English, or French-English Cooks. 
^' No Perquisites Allowed " be the postscript to advertisements. Let 
no more dirty circulars be dropped into our areas, giving last quota- 
tions of the market rate of Eitchen-stuff, or mentioning the prices 
current for old Bmes. Stop pilfering, in short, which is another 
name for perquisites, and depoid on it the cost of our dinners will 
diminislu and their excellenoe increase. 

Humbly hopeful that, at any rate, poor people like myself may 
find that it is possible to act upon this hint, believe me, 

Tours respectfully, 

Queer Street^ Eve of Rent Day. EPAimroirDAS Jonss. 

PS.^** All Fours" has been considered a favourite kitchen game ; 
but one even stiU more popular, I fancy, has been " Cribbage.'' 



Competent Juries. 

Some diBCussion has taken place in the House of Commons re- 
specting the pecuniary qualifications of Jurymen. The only such 
quaUfioation tliat oan make a man really fit to serve on a J ury is 
pecuniary independence. If he have to live by any business, from 
which he is dragged away to sit in a jury-box, there he may sit ; 
but he will be utterly unable to attend to anything that is jgoing on. 
His mind will be distracted by anticipations of loss and rum. i eur 
Lordship may compel him to swear tliat he will well and truly try. 
&0. ; but then you will oblige the man to tdce an oath that he will 
do what it is impossible he can, and will force him to commit that 
misdemeanor for which the trial of Castbo, alide O&TOir, is 
pending. 



310 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Mat 24, 187S. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 




ABTLE*8 (we mean Sib Baitu Febeb^s) ICinion 
to Zanzibar, to pnt an end to the aUye-trading 
in tiiat regioa. was stated (Monday, May 12) to 
hare failed. Tne ScriTAir kad two excellent reasons 
for beinsT ebdnrate : he BMkes much money by 
the traffio-HiLat is one; but we are snre that the 
other had the greater weig^ with his pions sonL 
His Cardinals, or Ckmfessors, or whateyer name his 
spiritnal direoters bear, assure him that slayery is 
ordained by the Sioran, and, therefore^that it would 
be wicked te suppress the system. We may re^t 
that he does not think as we do, but it is impossible 
not te respect (^ feeUncs of a rdiigious soyereigrn, 
who listens to the oeonaeref holy men. Lobd Grajt- 
TiLLB stated. howey«r, tiist Sia Bajetlb Fbbrb had 
obtained ymnable information, and hod made two 
new treaties with inflaentifll chiefs. We are quite 
certain tiiat Si& Babtle did ail tiiat man oould do^ 
esnnon might hare done a little more, but England 
uMther speaks cannons nor mas &em, now. 

On complaint in the Conmons that a paper called 
The Christian was refused resfistration for the foreign 
poi^ the Post Master ezpiaiiied that it did not 
mamly consist of news. Cynics might say that such 
a name, if ite meaning were canied out in the 
columns of the i^aper, might well entitle it te be 
considered an entire noyelty. 

ICb. Wait, the new Conseryatiye Member for 
Qlouoester, took the oaths. 

** They alio serre who only staaft and wait." 

But tiiis gentleman oidy stood snd— was elected. 
Conwspondente will please te be meroif ul witii their 



pleasantries on a '^waiting policy being that of 
Toryism,'' and the like effulgences. 

Me. DiELif tk tried to abolirii the salary of the 
Lord Priyy Seal. Now it has been explained, oyer 
and oyer, that this is a most useful offiaial, that he is 
the Odd Man of the Cabinet, and has to do all kinds 
of work, in order to relieye his yarious colleagues. 
The Motion was a bit of radical pedantry, and Me. 
OLADSTOins stamped it out, getting 229 to 59. 

Pieasanter words from Me. Walpolb, who, as a 

Trustee of the Museum, asked for about £100,000, and 

teld us that we had the finest collection of Roman 

coins in the world, and had lately purchased one of the most beantif ul collections of works of Art oyer brought inte this country. We 

had gained, inter aUa, a glorious Juno, and a diyine Yenus. The Museum beaste and birds would speedily be exported te Kensmgten. 

It will take some time to get rid of the abominable smell of camphor, thougL 

" Out with the fusty creatures, and their camphor, a 
Nuisance, and in with urn, tnd bust, and amphora." 

/Among the questbns raised in Supply was one which is what Sha.espsa.bb calls ** a question to be asked." To a gentlelnsn named 
TauRLOw a pension was granted about forty years ago, and he has now receiyed about £493,000. There cannot be, of course, the faintest 
doubt that he has deseryed eyery half-f arthiug of it, but noue of the Ministers oould giye the slightest information as te the histery of t^ 
grant. Probably the recipient is the Tourlow who was Secretary of State te OLiyaa Crohwell, but we mighti)e teld, we think. 

A yote for £6165 was taken for the Deep Sea Exploration. It would be a pleasant and also a profitable thing if oor gallant Dredgers 
would bring up some of those 

" Wed^ of gold • • ♦ heaps of pearl, 
Inestimable stones, unyalued jewels, 
All scattered in the bottom of the sea," 

which were seen one night by a late Duke of Claebecb. 

Me. Siaesfbld obtained his Select Committee on Boundaries. This is part of the Local Taxation scheme. He wante te get rid of old 
parochial and other arrangements, and, in fact, ^dU 

*' Let Tulgir Bounds with braye disorder go. 
And snateh a Bate beyond the reach of Lows.*' 

Tuesday.^Jjoiaj) Caibhs, Conseryatiye leader, moyed the Second Beading of Mr. Fawcbti*8 Dublin IJniyersity BUL He did not 
approye of the policy of which it was part, but as Teste had been abolished in England the same thing must be done for Ireland. 

Lord Denbiqh, as a Catholic, comd not accept the Bill as an instelment of justice, but as he could not support teste which he deemed 
blasphemous, he should not yote. Now the Teste may be unjust, but te call them what he called them was te telk nonsense. Jfr. Punch 
is reminded of something that appeared in a Conseryatiye paper twenty years a^o--it would admit no such blunder now— where it was 
said that ** a mob tiien Myanced, bearing banners lettered * Crad made us- all,' with otiier blasphemous inscriptions." 

Eael Oebt painted Irish prospecto in black, and Ea.el Oeabtille huag up a companion picture in rose colour, and the Bill was read 
a Second Time. It passed at the end of the week. We compliment Brighton on ite Member, also on ite Aquarium. 

Something is bemg done, for preseryation, to Me. Maclisb's great works in the Boyal Ghallery, but Me. Abbl cannot report upon the 
result until he shall haye waited to know it. Abel is from a Hebrew word signifying ** transitoriness.'' We decline to acoept the omen 
as regards the pictures. 

In the Commons we had a capital eyening. Madam, bear with a brief explanation. Anne Ladt Daceb, by will, dated Decem- 
ber 20th, 1594, left funds which it is perfeotiy clear that t^e good woman meant for the benefit of the poor of Westminster. Neyer 
mind details. The Corporation of London got hold of it, lainully enough, but did not act with faithfulness, and now, out of sixty 
children in the school Ljldt Dacbb founded, Westminmer has only thirty-two. The esteblishment is called Emanuel HespitaL LAor 
Dacsb is buried, under a stetely monument, in Chelsea Old Church. The Endowed School Commissioners propose te take the institution 
out ef the hands of Gog and Magog, and to carry out the intention of good Aene. But it is not in Qt, and M.'s nature willingly te giye 
up anything .they haye grabbed. To-night Ma. Ceawfoed (the excellent M.P. for London) moyed for the rejection of the scheme of 



Mat 24^.1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



211 



the Commif uoners. He oonld not say miioh for his clients, bat he 
managed nnconseionsly to represent their grieyanoe as it appears 
most frightfol to themselves. The idea of interfering with the 
august Corporation of London I 

Now, Mb. Oladstokx has plentr of Teneration, hut he does not 
bestow it at random. To--night he bestowed something else. In 
noble and. Homeric wrath he stood up to the two-headed monster of 
Gtiildhall« and 

Nay, look at the Cartoon. 

'' WhatI the City of Londoiu littsd, gmved, not ta> say Bloated 
with charities— the City of LoBdna stenfgiinff to hold what w«s 
meant for poor, helpless WestmnstBrl And ukb Cil7 aloiia,.of ail 
the InstitoDons in Knglaad, la not to hava a. hand laid nwrn jit! 
Take thal^ and tli«t».yoa '» Bnibwheve'sanmP 

««'ABa, swifts Bimiadealfceiiiiiighty mm 
Fall en Cfatt GHeell of liianiiwaiy «Mb 

Ik>iin dropftffhdtmSrSm, and «BlBMMllAy» 
Like^a.]««» fiOi, nktn winds md>iwiBWi rwwy 
^ Byao»shntsbdlsM(^4s9heda«iiMatiMdtoisii'' 

The^4h■lll-blow wm timm^ hot tiiare wm] 

•<S^rlliaprnt wMstm^snd he ttnMJHr liftb' 



But the Hmion came, asd. GkMr and llago|^w«» diMbnsd extinot 
by 286 to 238. They died haiSb*4licewise iMBanirwit. Be it said 
that Ms. QiupszoirB noYermada abetter flajltinj snaash in all his 

TFircfn^Mfay.^ Yesterday, Madam, your ftOHHnaaveaBBd as tiie 
ohampion of property, and as the npfanUfar ofi tl|£i aaendness of 
beqnests. To*day he showed as a bnlwaalltof tfcatOlaBdi of Bog- 
land. 

Mb. CowFBft-TncPLB promoted a Bill for nmnum ih»^ Cawreh; 
pulpits to otherparsons than Clergymen. He thought Ui&t there was 
a great deal of preadiing poweroutside the Esublibhment, aad that 
it was a pity that a panon who nm not himBt;ilf % Bouierges, or a 
Boisaet, or a Wiiberaoree, should not be able to oali in a uJented 
friend to edify a flook. 

After 8ome disenssiQn, Mb. GiADflETon aaid thaAlia* Iiiaee.laab 
year had rejeoted the BiU, not as a. PaHy qiieotioii,.biit by ik» fsee 
ejq^rsssion of all shades w opinioB, and it was not equitable to in- 
trAnee it» :f ear after year, in ebedienoe to the dictates of a Church 
Bef orm Society. How could we allow persons nnder no subscription 
or declaration to get up in our churches and preach just what they 
pleased P The unrestrained Uherty of the priest was the sUwery of the 
congregation. (Note that, young fiituaUst) He would oppose a 
measure that would be the harbinger of religious chaos. 

Mb. iLLDfowoBTH, a Dissenterj made a funny little objection to 
the BUL If the idea was that Dissenters were to be smuggled in to 
preadi in the afternoon, when the best people stayed at home, and 
the congregation was composed of auud-serrants, he was quite sure 
that the Nonoonformists wanted no suoh fayour. But fie should 
like A Diseetablisbmeut Bill. 

Mb. CowpxB^TofPLB did not eare about dividing, but there was 
some dispute, so the Bill was oast out by 1^ to 58. 

Mb. Chabi*bt'8 Bill, to prevent Inf anticide^ was read a Second 
Time, but will not be pressed. The subjeot is a difficult one. A 
jury will seldom oonivict an unhappy creature whose misery may 
haye driven all her feminine instincts out of her, and thus child- 
murder is not dealt with at aU. 

Mb. PuifBOLL'e own Bill, for the survey of Shipping, was talked 
out of the HoDse^that is» Mb. Eustacb SmrHi who answered him, 
was speaking when the time eame to rise, and the Bill dropped. 

Thursday. -~ The Commons gave the |iiffht to Ireland. The 
0*Exbffb case came up. In brief. Madam, that case is this. Cab- 
niFAL CuLLBV (who wss, bv the way, sent to Ireland by Rome, 
when somebody else would have been much more welcome to the 
Irish Catholics of the higher sort) took upon himself to suspend one 
Fathxb O'Ebsffb. and this the Cardinal did as Legate of the Pope, 
not as the Fathers eo(dssiastieal Superior. It was done, because 
Mb. O^Eeuffb dared to exercise his rights as a British subject, and 
appeal to the law against what he deolared to be prieatly slander. 
Ulan the Irish Bducation Board dismiss the Father from his sohool 
at Callan, on the ground that he had been suspended. Of course all 
this looks very lilra abject obedisnce to Cabdival Cullbb, and Mb. 
BoiTfSBiB wasa,boat to take the sense of the Imperial Psrliament 
on ^ matter. But on the Board are several men of high rank and 
real emiiaeBee, and they ojjieet to be jodged by the House until they 
can be heard. So Loan HABmraTOF, Minister, asked for a Seleet 
Committee. Mb. Bouvbbib eomplained tiiat he had been '* raped*" 
but it is a pity to use horse*raeeir slang, espeoisUy when you don't 
understana its dirty meaning. ^ Boping " means a mode of oheat- 
ing frequently practised on wat great finglish institution, the raoe- 
eourse, out it is palling a horss to prevent his winning, not shoving 
him te the rope, as Ma. Bouvebie thought He let out pretty freely 
on the matter, and irreverently described the Commissioners as the 



mere creatures and serfs of Cabbhtal Culleit, language which 
should not have been applied to several of them. After some 
wrangle, Loan HABTnreTOF carried his Motion, but by only 159 to 
131. Now 28 is not the sort of minority .for a Government, when it 
puts out itsstrsDgth. 

Then a Peaoe Freservataon (Irelsnd} Bill was read a Seoond Time. 
Some Irish Members opposed it, but The O'Dofoghue came outwith 
the manly and frank deolaration that he believed that the BiH was 
wanted, that it wae no grievance, and wonUlnot have been talked 
of as one, but for a knot of I>uhlin newi^iq^ soiibblenk Me. 
MU178TEE was utterly unable te deeoribe the munstrous indignatian 
he felt at sneli a^speeofau but the flonsa did not seem to rs^«t his 
inability, s«d laughed at hiob 

FHda^.—Th'& Traffle THiimvirs were ^lally confirmed in their 
authority by the House of Lor<K 

This was & GLAD^roNM we«k. A thifd titne. Madam, did our 
ighting PEKHUta a4<lm«a him self to bftttle. On W^ednoAday he WMB 
the bulwark of the Clmruli, to-day hti wa^ her Champion. 

Mu. MunLtf ia a tempe?at€ spef^oh, brought on his fiesololfan 
againat matntdning the l^tabUabiDent 

BfB. OLAj:teTOKE d^clEired that the feeling of the nation waa egainst 
Euby^raioii of th« Churoh, as would be ahown at a general eleotipn. 
The qqeation was mdefijiitely remote* ** Take the Churoh of 
Eng]acdi out of the Hietory yf EnglaDd, and that hiatory beoomes a 
ohaea without order or life/' The Chiirah had played a ^reat part, 
** BO Yital, entering lo profoundly into the life and aotion ol the 
oonntx^yt that the very attempt in mind to Bever the two leaves 
nothing but a bleedins^ and lai^erated maas," And hear Ithe PHa- 
, miee'b ooneludin^ words, B|Hjken after hi5 had described Ma* MxALL 
' as the Peter-the-Heroiit of an ri.Hii^('t!'>r iH^> ^ ni^fir]»^ : — 

''-liaite the House diitinoUj tmi deaWTely to refose its ssMBt to Oil 
lfeBCioB>.beeaiue it is a Motion tfaeosadusimB of wbioh axe alike at Tariaaee 
with the inaocioal wishes and desires, with the inteUigest opinions, and with 
the seligioiu oonviotions of the large SM^otatgr ef the people of this eountrj ." 

Tremendous Gouservatiye as welfc aa. liheral oheers greeted this 
penmstioQ. Miu Y. Habcoubt hw^t to be oonstitutional on the 
Sana side. 

But, «* Diride, Diiide^ Unde ! " 

Bla fiaasi eC: ilwinfl iaa<«Mf 

and lor Mft. Miall^s Motion there were 61, while Ms. GLAnsroirB's 
'*inyitatiou" was aoeepted by S56, majority for sustaining the 
Ghuroh 295. 

The Peaoe Preserration (Ireland} Bill went throujrh Committee, 
oertain Irish Members hindering it by divisions in whioh their small 
numbers justified Mb. Hambbo's taunt that they had no ease 
against the Goyemment. It was not a pleasant thing, however, to 
see even a small body of |)olitioians struggling desperatelv against a 
measure for the proteotion of life and property, and Mr, Punch 
went, sadly, to his Club, where he indignantiv rebuked the usuallv 
intelUgent waiter, for asking him whether he would take Irish 
whiskey. 

ANALOGIES OF LANGUAGB. 

LoBD LnmsAT has written a learned work, in whioh he tries to 
make out anoient Btmsoan akin to modem Hi^ Dutoh. From this ^ 
attempt, says the Saturday Review :^ 

*' He is not eren deterred hv the mysterious phrases Mhy^ ^v«(, by whioh 
the wonhippeis were dismined at the Kleuriniaii mysteries, end whioh some 
haye identified with the not more intelligibie form Cantha Paohsa, with whioh 
the Brahmins dose their religious terrioes. For Loan Crawfobd these 
words hare no myetery at all, and represent simply Oang tu mmbaehSj or 
zumbachSf-^* Go to your praotioal duties/ * Go about your business.' " 

LoBD Cbawvobd*8 authority ia weighty, and the yalediotory 
worda of the Blsnsiniftn hierophant may haye nearly oonreivondea 
to the Ite^ missa est of another. It may, however, be worthy of 
oonsideratioQ whether those sonorous expressions were not intended 
by the reyerend m]Fstery-mea at onoe to impose upon the Tulgar 
and conoiliate the wise, by the latter of whom m^( was understood 
to mean ** noses,'' with the suggestion of *' taking a sight;" whereas 
V'ol was the original word whenoe, with the addition of an afipirate, 
we have derived^' humbug." 



A Kaa of All Work. 



A TSLieBAK from Yienna, the other day, said :— 

" H. Slatt^ the President of the Hungarian Ministry, has arriTsd here." 

The Smpbbob of AjmuA, being also Edtg of HuNChABT, the 
Minister, M. fiLavr, may be desoribed as one of His Majesty's 
servanto ; and a fool would perhape add the remark that, as that 
Sovereign has beeome a Constitutional monaroh, it seems odd that 
his Premier should be a Slavt. 



212 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Mat 24^ 1873. 




Morieu {vjiihmgto be poliU). 
\Boti (y^Mng to be poliier). * 
Mb. Loyiboxo dobs 1" 



COMPLIMENTS. 

•* Good EvBimro, Mr. Lovibond! So sobrt tottr Wipb coxHirN'T comb too I" 

Nobody hbbb is likblt— haw— to kbgbbt Mbs. Lovibokd's absbnob hjllf so mtch— haw— ib 



• PARALOGY OP THE PUMP. 

QooD Templars, Beloved Brethren, ft word in yonr ears— if they 
are not too long. It is not ffenerklly sapposed that the Rbt. 
D^wsoBT BuBira is ^professionally oonnected with the provinoial 
Press. Bnti'Dear Friends, a letter in a country paper from its 
London Correspondent, lil^y to be rather widely read, contains ft 
specimen of reasoning exactly like that of which examples commonly 
'appear in communications to. which our reverend and Permissiye 
Prohibitory brother has signed his name. It relates to what the 
writer calls ** Mb. Bxbitil 09B0Birx*s astounding statement that 
Protestants have just as much right to forbid Catholics to eat fish 
during Lent, as two-thirds of the rate-payers have to prevent the 
sale of intoxicating drinks." Astouncung Mb. B, 0/s statement 
may be to us, Brethren ; it is not, however, original, being merely 
the converse of what has previously been often urged elsewhere, 
with the differences only of meat for fish and Catholic for Protestant 
majority. These differences do not at all affect the aptitude of the 
illustration, which some logician, who, if not Mb. Dawsobt Bubits 
himself, argues just like him, thus impugns : — 

<* It ii by no moans neoontiy to bo a sapporter of the PenniniTe Bill in 
order to see tbo fallaoy of thii argament. Indeed, the opponenU of the Bill 
theniBelyw donounoed Mb. Osbobnb'b neooh in the loboy after the diriiion. 
No one oan lay that eating fiah either mjurea the eater or throws upon the 
rate-papers the burden of lupporting his children whom hit indu^ence has 
pauperised. When rato-paTon find that unlimited drink-aeUing mipoaet a 
neary penalty upon them, tney have a right to protest, and something moxe." 

Yea, Dear Friends, they have, certainly, ft right to protest ftnd 
sametmni^ more, but 0, that something must be something dee than 
the invasion of personal liberty. We should abstain from injustice 
as well as intoxicating liquors. Everv one has, we must sadly 
admit, just as much right to drink beer, or anything else not 
poisonous, as he has to eat fish or meat either. It is too true that, 
because rate-payers are aggrieved throogh A's drunkenness, they 
have no right, therefore, to debar B from nis drink. No more right. 



unhSppilv, have tli^y to prohibit C from selltng drink to B, who 
keeps sober, merely because if A can hnj it he gets drunk. A is 
the nuisance, which only they have a nsfht to abate. Brethren. 
They have no case against either B or C. If they had, then indeed 
they would be warranted in shutting up. not only pubUo-houses, 
but likewise wine-merchants' and grocers' shops, and, more than that, 
would enjoy the glorious privilege of interfering with the privacy 
in which, according to another Bubbs (alasl) than our own Dawsoit— 

(• Willie brew'd a peok o' mant" 

They might jost as well ask to be empowered to itoD domestic 
brewing as to abolish inns and taverns. In shorty you romps, the 
principle underlying the paralogism above quoted is thftt ft mi